12 . 24 . 04
In reading this page, I hope you can better understand where I'm coning from, and maybe put yourself in my position sometimes. Especially if I may be in an unpleasant mood. Also, maybe you'll understand why I say the things I say, do the things I do, and act the way I act. Basically, I hope you can better understand me as a person.
On my 2nd doctors visit, I had an x-ray done and it showed a birth defect where my hip hadn't completely formed and there was no cushioning between my bottom 2 disks. Doc didn't do anything about it. The pain kept getting worse. I made a 3rd appointment with the same doctor, not much variety down here, and he couldn't figure out what was wrong from the x-ray so we arranged to have an MRI done.
The results from the MRI came back and as luck should have it, I have 3 bulging disks (one of those close to rupturing) and an already ruptured disk. I set up an appointment (01-21-04) with a pain specialist and he was a *really* nice guy. The first doctor suggested a steroid injection in order to help with the pain, and the specialist administered the shot. I have to admit it was painful. **REALLY** painful.
The good news, however, is that the pain in my back did decrease a considerable amount.
The bad news is that I had to have surgery on October 11th, 2004. So far it's going good, but the surgeon thinks I may need at least 2 more surgeries in my life to repair the injured disks. No telling when though.
UPDATE: (11. 09. 05) I have a new pinched nerve. I'm probably going to need surgery to relieve it. It hurts SOOO bad. I'm going to be filing for disability soon since I can't find a job that I could do without hurting myself worse.
Anyway, she found out late last year that she was pregnant. She didn't quit doing dope until about her 3rd month. Lucky, the baby turned out just fine, but still. How the hell could you do that to your child.?! I know as soon as she had Jasmine though, she was right back on that shit. I just don't understand it at all. She's a sad excuse for a mother. Her 2 older kids live with their dad because she can't take care of them. Which is perfectly fine with me, I think they're far better off where they're at.
Amanda is hiding from the cops for a domestic battery charge. She punched the father of her other 2 kids when he came home one night and told her he was taking them and moving out. She missed her court date, so there's a warrant out for her arrest. Chris is facing jail time too. The smart guy he is. He used to work at KFC, but one night he and a co-worker plotted this scheme to get some money. So they were closing, and told the manager that some guy had some in and robbed the store. They filed a police report and everything. Come to find out, Chris and his partner had stolen the money (close to $6,000) and lied about it. The manager found out, told the cops, and now Chris has a warrant out for HIS arrest. He has court tomorrow. I hope to GOD he gets put away for a good long while. Too bad Jasmine may be left with both parents in jail, but we've been thinking about filing for adoption anyway. At least for guardian's rights. She doesn't deserve this crap.
Oh, and the icing on the cake. Amanda, Chris, and Jasmine live in our house now. Mom & Dad's bedroom is now the living room, and they stay in their old bedroom. How wrong is that?! Making mom & dad move their bed, dresser, and everything else out of their own bedroom, and into the living room. All the fuckers do is eat, and go out with their friends, leaving Jasmine with us. I tried to get my parents to see that we're being used like a bitch, but they just say "well she's our daughter, we can't let her be homeless" but maybe that's just what she needs to knock her ass into shape! We'll keep Jasmine, they can go fuck their lives up.
She says she hasn't touched meth in months, but I know for a fact she was tweeking just a few days ago. She thinks I'm a moron I guess. She's always bragging about how fucked up she "used" to get, and she thinks she's cooler I guess, for doing it.
Instead of letting everything get to me, and bring me down, I've decided to redirect my "stressful" energy into some more positive things. These are the things I do to relax when the world is just too much for me. I find these things to be somewhat theraputic, and a good way for me to release my stress. I also decided to fill you in on how these particular things are relaxing for me.
It helps me to realize that I'm not the only person with personal conflicts. Sometimes, it makes me feel as if my problems are hardly even worth worrying about compared to other peoples problems.
I get a great work out, and letting all of the physical energy out, helps me deal better with the emotions of life. It really clears my mind. I love just going to the court and shooting around, instead of playing a rough, competitive game. When I'm shooting by myself, it's really relaxing, because I don't have to worry about what someone else may be thinking about me. Just me, my basketball, and the open court. Ahhh, nothing better. Lately, of course, I haven't been able to play since my back and everything is all messed up. I do miss playing though.
Being able to see that something that I've said or done can put a smile on someone's face, or brighten their day, even if it's just a tad bit, it really makes me feel good. I know how hard it is to smile through tears, or to laugh with a brokenheart. Being able to help someone do that, and possibly making them feel a bit more lighthearted, despite their situation, makes me feel like I have a purpose. I see it like this: If I'm sad or depressed or whatever, I just want to be by myself, and sort of dwell on things until I've decided that it's just how things were meant to be. I also know that if I'm depressed, and someone can manage to make me crack a smile, they've really done something amazing. It makes me feel like a better person when I see the joy on someone else face, and knowing that I'm the one who was responsible for putting that joy there.
Not just dancing, mind you. I'm talking about rounding up the girls on a Friday night, loading up the cars, and heading out to the club. You can't go wrong if you're surrounded by happy people. Dancing gets the blood flowing; the endorphins pumping; the adrenaline going. You get so much out of your system by simply moving your body, laughing with friends, and not caring who may or may not be watching you. And by not caring what those people may or may not be thinking about you. Besides, when you have a night out with the girls, you don't have to impress anyone. You've already got all the love you need right by your side.
This is my favorite creative outlet. I get to transform a blank space into anything I want.I can express myself freely, knowing that nobody ever has to see what I've done. I also like knowing that what I've created is something that, in one way or another, is a small representation of myself. It's my ideas, my words, my pictures, my thoughts, my skills that built that site and turned it from a blank "canvas" into something incredible that I can show off, and communicate my inner thoughts without ever saying a word.
I relax by taking pictures because of all the emotions that nature evokes. With all of the different colors, sounds, patterns, smells, and abstract things that can catch one's eye when you're observing the finesse of everything nature envelopes. I love it because there are so many different things to enjoy visually. There's really no limit to what kind of emotions may be brought about when you're really, just about enjoying everything that nature represents. It can take you back to a time when you were stress-free, happy, independent, carefree, and free spirited. There's nothing to tie you down to one single aspect of the big picture. Another reason is because, long after you take the pictures of nature's beauty, you can take out the pictures and be taken right back to that special place.
I think the reason I enjoy writing when I'm burdened with problems is because in a way, it feels like you're dealing with a problem, without really admitting it. It's like you're getting away with something. We all know the saying that "the first step is to *admit* that you have a problem", but it seems as if the words don't actually come out of your mouth, then you're not really admitting anything, but you can write down everything that's burning to get out, on a piece of paper, and sort of come to terms with things that way. Also, when you verbally admit that something is wrong, there's a chance of someone hearing you, who you don't want to be involved in a particular situation. When you write it down, you have control over who gets to read it and who doesn't it. It's a controlled way of expressing yourself, because it's only between you and the paper. Your emotions just flow through the pen.
I like being crafty because it takes my mind off of whatever may be bothering me. It's sorta like my frustrations and emotions are the inspiration for what ever it is that I may be working on at that time. I can get so deep into a project that the "outside" world seems to vanish. I don't hear anything, I don't see anything, I just work on my craft. Not only that, but if you spend time letting your emotions be free and letting your freedom come through on your project, you have something to show for it. It's not like you used all that energy and emotion and feel like you accomplished nothing, you have a solid, tangable object that will, every time you see it or think about it, remind you of the hard work you went through to create that final masterpiece.
There's just something about cooking for people that makes me feel good. I love to cook. I love to try new recipies, looking through my mom & Gramma's old cookbooks, watching Food Network. Food really brings people together. How many times have you said, "We should get together for dinner/lunch sometime?" That's because it's a social thing. It's something that everyone can do. Just go somewhere, have a big meal, talk, laugh, tell stories. It's great. Not to mention, food is a BIG part of my family gatherings. Just look at us. :)
Music has been a major part of my life for as long as I can remember. When I was young, I used music as an escape when I felt trapped. Music was the answer to so many different questions. It was my language when I couldn't get my words to come out. I love the way that a single song can represent so many different things to so many different people. Think of the emotions that come out when you're laying in your room listening to music. Think of the freedom you feel when you're cruising down the highway singing at the top of your lungs, out of key, and knowing you're the best vocalist on that stretch of open road. There are so many different emotions and music has a way of bringing each and every one of them to the surface. When I'm laying in my room, listening to music, I think about the times that are being represented by the music. It's no secret that music is a healing tool. You listen to a specific song when you're sad, or when you're lonely, or happy, or when you're stressed and want to un-wind. When you want to think of a certain person, or a certain time in your life, you know exactly what song to put on. Another great thing is that, as a listener, music gives you an option. When you play a song, there's no doubt that a memory, maybe from your past, will be brought to the front of your mind. Your choice, then, is wether or not you want to be taken to that specific place. If you do, then you take in every note, every key, every pitch, every word, and you relate that to your memory. If you don't want to be there, you hit the stop button, you change songs, and you give yourself another option on which memory you want to be taken back to at that particular time. It's such a deep process when you sit and really listen to music. Mind you, there is a huge difference in listening to music, and actually hearing the music. When you listen to music, you may not always be completely open to whatever emotions are going to be coming out, you might try to keep those in. However, when you really hear music, you open your mind, body, and soul to every emotion humanly possible and you don't shy away from your true emotions, the true reason why you're feeling that certain way, or from the message an artist had in their heart when they wrote that song. Still, you feel like it was written for you, to help you through that certain time in your life, for your situation, and for you to be taken over by.
