Dinners That Will Never, Ever, Ever Be

- David J. Landers

Have you ever dug somebody so far beyond your reach, so superior to you, that you didn't know what to say or do when you were around them? And when they finally do notice you, you just feel like passing out but instead, you gnaw the skin on the end of your fingers off and look like an idiot. And you just want to ask them if they would like to go to dinner sometime, but you know that you never will, because you're too scared of getting laughed at... or turned down... or kicked in the nuts (that would hurt). I have.

What if I did ask her out to dinner, though? We'd probably go to Denny's or some other greasy burger place. You shouldn't get too formal on the first date, right? I would get the Big Texas Barbeque Burger... She would probably get a Chicken Fajita. The two of us would stay until long after midnight, discussing the world. We'd discuss our beliefs, take a bite out of our food, our friends, and take another. I'm sure that, at some point, a bit of that delicious, spicy, maroon barbeque sauce would drip off of the burger and fall with a splat onto the table. Maybe she would giggle and be forced to cover her mouth so the fajita wouldn't spill out. After our little laughing session, we'd get back to our food and the repetitions... eat, talk, eat, talk.

I have, several times, thought about what the perfect dinner would consist of. Friendly smiles mixed with flashing eyes mixed with subtle hinting. "So, what are you doing tomorrow?" she may ask, to which I may reply, "I'm not sure. What are you doing tomorrow?" How pathetic can you get? I vote that I’ve already gotten there.

One of these days, maybe I will ask her to accompany me to the perfect dinner. If this happens, I will be dragged into oblivion, and I wouldn't be able to stop smiling for days. Then, I'd be so happy that not even life could bring me down. I believe this is referred to as being "Twidderpated." That's what I want. Greasy Denny's food... and twidderpation.