Personal
Thoughts : Cloud
10
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Come to
think of it, what's so great about it is that I can laugh at myself. Scribbles
about love and pain all of a sudden seem so pathetic! even childish. But when
doubts come into my head, those doubts that whisper: "did I really feel
something for this guy? at one point, could I honestly tell myself that I did
love him?", my diary assures me: "yes you did."
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When
I find myself thinking about how I used to treat him; of how I used to call him
and text him, I can't help but ask: "did I really do that?" Of course
I did! The sad fact is, I'm not exactly happy knowing I did that. In this modern
age, females are allowed to make the move. The problem is, I'm too chicken to go
through with it. I started it, but I couldn't end it, so I left myself
hanging in the middle with the thought that he didn't have to know how I felt
anyway.
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Looking
back, I wonder, what would have happened if I settled for a a relationship with
him. That instead of running away from him, I would just have faced my situation
and told him what I felt for him. That I was actually waiting for that time when
he will profess his feelings for me. Or better yet, told him how long I was
suffering and just kept being friends with him even though it hurt me wanting
him and knowing I couldn't have him.
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Was
it a better option for being braver and more mature in dealing with my feelings
for him. If I let it go of what I felt and just held on to the
relationship you were offering , would I have been happier?
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I've realized we live on earth by our free will...by other's free will. Our free will depends on the free will of the other person.
I still recall the night when you came and talked to me about your feelings. That after so many years you've realized that I was with you all along and you never gave importance to it. Ahh...my heart was leaping in joy....now you've realized. But...my mind was battling with my heart. My mind says NO. My heart says...THIS IS THE TIME YOU'VE BEEN WISHING FOR....GO! Finally, you told me what's on your mind. I know you have your feelings for me even before but I don't know what made you keep it too. You know what I feel for you. Maybe it was the deep bond of friendship we already had that time. yes, you were my best friend....my brother....my soul mate. I said come back tomorrow when you are not tipsy. That night I slept with a smile in my heart.
My heart and mind was battling with myself. Trying to weigh things. But I decided to choose Dada. I was prepared to tell you that when you come back. But you never showed up. I was asking myself..."Did he come back to his senses after all the things he told me yesterday?" I sighed! Maybe he really didn't love me. I don't know.....I wish he did, LOLs.
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You came to talk to me after 3 days and explained that you've realized that it was not the best thing to do. That you don't want to mess things up anymore with you entering the picture now. I accepted your explanation and you also accepted my decision. WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS...BEST FRIENDS.
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I don't regret the life I chose to trod after that night. I am happy.
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Just one question......
If on
the night of February 13, 1995 I accepted your proposal will you still be alive
today?