I Loved

I have loved. At least, that is what I think.

If you say that love is feeling extremely jittery, feverish and crazed when you catch sight of your beloved, I have loved. Whenever I see a particular guy, I glance and sigh, “Damn, he’s good-looking!”

If you say that love is going out on non-group dates with a guy you like and likes you back, I have loved. I have went out with a crush before, but it was a barkada gimmick. We were not exactly sitting next to each other and whispering sweet nothings.

If you say that love is hugging your pillow tight and smiling because you will be dreaming wonderfully about Mr. Oh-So-Right, I have  loved. I have had dreams with my dream guys in it.

If you say that love is talking to each other until the wee hours of tomorrow and clogging the cellphone network with  text messages, I have loved.

I know that I now sound like a very boring and almost inanimate being to you for I have loved, if those are what love means. If those physical thrills mean love, I have  loved for. I look for a love that dives into the skin and stays there before spreading out to the external.

If you say that love is admiring a person for his intellect and personality in spite of his dubious personal history, I have loved. I had once showered my attention and affection on this particular guy who I barely knew but had this incredible wit and simplicity that sparked my interest. He impressed me with his being uncannily knowledgeable with stuff I loved to discuss.

If you say that love is cherishing someone who just plainly respects you, I have loved. I fell for this complete stranger who did a remarkable chivalric deed. He showed that he cared and respected me. That alone was enough.

If you say that love is making sure that your beloved is getting enough sleep, nutrition and leisure. I have loved.

If you say that love is finding wholeness in seriously sincere in-depth talks about life, I have loved. I have shared my desires and thoughts with him. He has confided in me his wishes and dreams. 

I have loved if these mean love to you.

I have loved and have been hurt. I have felt again and again that indescribable pathos of sheer joy. Yet, I have always felt that despicable emotion of a desperate heart. Still, I stand every time and open myself to the possibilities of encountering love again.