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| SOME THOUGHTS ON LOVE | |||||||||||
| By Ronald C. Tobin | |||||||||||
| E-Mail: [email protected] | |||||||||||
| Finding myself in a committed, romantic love relationship that has now lasted the better part of two years, is something very new for me. I have never had a romantic (i.e. sexual) relationship last more than six months before I met Shelley, most lasted about four. One lasted ten days, if that. I have written about my own experiences elsewhere, so that is not the primary reason I am now writing about love. It is just that there are a few issues surrounding this most powerful of human emotions (some claim that hate is more powerful than love, but I maintain they are just opposite sides of the same emotional coin) that I think really ought to be addressed. And yes, I am really looking for some feedback here. Perhaps I am the one who is out of touch on this issue, as some have seen fit to tell me in the past. I find that difficult to believe, but I am very willing to listen. May well learn something. | |||||||||||
| My opening criticism is that the word 'love' is very overused. People say it when they really mean 'like,' or even 'tolerate.' I think that this comes out of how several religions try to insist that their adherents are to 'love everyone,' or 'love thy neighbor as yourself.? It may sound all well and good, but such attitudes are impossible to uphold. You do not KNOW everyone, so how can you possibly love them all? Makes nearly as much sense as trying to hate everyone. Far better and more realistic to tell people to tolerate and respect one another as individual human beings. Love should be reserved for special people who truly bring meaning and happiness into your life. | |||||||||||
| My next criticism is on the concept of unconditional love. Supposedly this is when one loves another with no strings attached. No matter what that person may say or do, you claim, you will always love them. It sounds so noble, and so frightening, at the same time. It is also not possible in the real world. ALL is conditional. Your very life is conditional. Your life ends, the world explodes, your love goes with it. Further, even though you may be willing to take a lot of abuse from a person (such as your child), it is a well-established fact that everyone has a breaking point. You may not know what it is, that individual may never reach it (thus perpetuating the illusion of unconditional love), but it is there. I say, don't try to love someone because you think that you HAVE to. A person related to you by blood has no greater claim to your love than does a complete stranger who walks into your life. It?s great to love your parents and your siblings - I do - but you don't owe this to them, nor do they owe it to you. It depends on respect, trust, communication, shared values. All conditional, as is love, as is life. I know some well meaning folks strongly disagree with me about this topic, and I do understand why. The concept of unconditional love is a very old one, sounds very noble and polite, and thus many want it as some sort of goal to aspire to. These people wonder why they go through life feeling frustrated? | |||||||||||
| I will wrap up this critique with my final criticism: that of equating lust with love. This happens to most people when they are younger, but it truly can hit at any age. People find themselves sexually attracted to one another, have a few trysts together, and wonder why they only seem to get along in bed. I am not one who believes that a certain amount of time needs to elapse before considering sex (I will say that going out several times and getting to really know each other before having sex is usually a good idea. Most people who have sex on the first date end up in a dead end relationship. Not always, but most), but I say be prudent, especially if you believe the relationship has potential to become serious and committed. Lust helps make romantic love more enjoyable, but lust is not love. It is a part of our 'animal' side, driven by hormones and pheromones. Yes, the women have been correct all these years: it has to do with chemistry. There is nothing wrong with lust, I enjoy it immensely. Love is when you also want to be with that person outside of the bedroom. You know, to share life experiences with, learn from, grow with, stand proudly beside, that sort of activity deals with love. Then, go ahead and rip each other's clothes off and enjoy some lust. | |||||||||||
| As I said, I welcome feedback from anyone else who would care to discuss love and/or topics ascribed to the emotion or related to it. We have all experienced it in some form at some point in our lives. Let us share those experiences and learn something. | |||||||||||
| [This article originally appeared in the March/April 2004 issue of THE THOUGHT.] | |||||||||||
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