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| RETAIL | HELL | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| (HAPPY XMAS) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| By John Psycho | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| John Psycho and Joe Wizard have been on vacation for a while but they are back and ready to set the record straight, once again. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOE "Hello John. Have you been thinking about X-MAS and a way to stir a hornets' nest?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOHN "Yes, Yes, Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. In fact, Retail Hell, this X-MAS comes courtesy of Al Gore and George Bush." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| So, with that said, Joe Wizard has begun mixing Al Gore/George Bush potions from Hell. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOHN "Joe. Are the potions ready?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOE "Almost John. Almost." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The date is now November 20, 2000. John Psycho has landed in the North Pole. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Little does Santa Claus know, John Psycho has sprinkled his Al Gore/George | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Bush potion all over the toys. Yes, the Al Gore/George Bush potion has also arrived at the Mattel, Hasbro, Parker Bros, and all other toy factories around the world. The potion discreetly finds its way into the toy mainstream. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| X-MAS EVE | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jingle, jingle, jingle, go the bells. "Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry, Merry Christmas to all the good boys and girls." Santa Claus and his thousands of clones now circle the globe delivering all sorts of wonderful toys. Oh what a surprise these children will receive this year. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| LITTLE MARY "Mommy, daddy, I must open this gift from Santa Claus. Please, please!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| PARENTS "O.K. little Mary, go ahead. Open it." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Little Mary opens the package which appears to be a... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| TOY DOLL "Hello, Little Mary! I am Al Gore. No matter what you do, what you say, or how you think, I will be watching you!! HE, HE, HE, HE!!!!!! But, guess what? Tomorrow, I will be George Bush and you will help me destroy the environment. We will have so much fun!!!!!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| LITTLE MARY "AHHHH! Mommy, daddy! Bad Santa! Bad Santa! Santa gave me a devil doll, a devil doll!!!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| NEWS BREAK | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Hello, this is Harry Yokohama reporting. You will not believe this folks unless you bought a toy this year, especially within the last month. It appears that every toy bought on or after November 20th, and especially the toys delivered by Santa Claus are cursed. That's right! Every one of these toys, even Playdough, bear voices of political propaganda from George Bush and Al Gore. Quite frankly, this is scaring the shit out of kids and freaking out the parents. Hey kids, you deserve better! Write Santa a long letter telling him what he can do with his politically corrupted toys." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sure enough, Santa Claus received letters by the truckloads. Meanwhile, Wal-Mart, Target, K-Mart, and all major markets were swarmed by angry customers, demanding their money back. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOHN "So, Joe. Do you think we caused enough mayhem in both the North Pole and the retail sector this year?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOE "Oh yes, John, and then some. We gave all the children the best gift they will ever receive. All the talking toys, which included ALL toys, reeked of political bullshit and showed the kids at a young age that they should be wary of politicians." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [This installment originally appeared in the January/February 2001 issue of THE THOUGHT.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO RETAIL HELL MAINPAGE | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO MAIN INDEX | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||