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| RETAIL HELL | |||||||||||||||||
| (THE VIDA LOCA) | |||||||||||||||||
| By John Psycho | |||||||||||||||||
| "Livin the vida loca. Livin the vida loca." | |||||||||||||||||
| SMASH! CRASH! MASH! goes the 20 pound mallet. | |||||||||||||||||
| Joe: "John, John, JOHN!!! What the living hell are you doing? That was a $100.00 radio that you obliterated!!" | |||||||||||||||||
| John: "Joe, I am sorry. I promise, you will have a brand new radio in your hands, after I resolve some matters." | |||||||||||||||||
| Joe: "What on earth propelled you to do something so insane, like this?" | |||||||||||||||||
| John: "Simple, my wizardly friend. I CANNOT TAKE ANY MORE RICKY MARTIN!!!!!! This loser sells music because the girls think he's 'so cute'. BLAAAAH!!! Whatever the case may be, his music sucks and I am going to do something about it. Joe, will you help me, please?? With sugar on top?" | |||||||||||||||||
| Joe: "But of course, my psycho friend. What do you have in mind?" | |||||||||||||||||
| John and Joe discuss their evil plot to dismantle the likes of Ricky Martin and rescue the guys in the world who are tormented by this freak from Latin America (no offense intended for the Latinos or Latinas; only toward one and ONLY one individual). | |||||||||||||||||
| Suddenly, the short stint of success that Ricky Martin has experienced has turned on him like a Pit Bull gone bad. For some strange reason (only John and Joe know), each time The Vida Loca is played on any radio station (in any part of the world), Ricky Martin loses $500.00. | |||||||||||||||||
| Ricky Martin receives a letter from Hell: | |||||||||||||||||
| Dear Ricky, | |||||||||||||||||
| Hello Mr. Martin. You do not know me, but unfortunately, I know you (too well). You have made a fortune off of The Vida Loca, for which I will never understand why. The song sucks, but hey, if you can use vanity as your marketing tool, the music doesn't matter. Unfortunately, many young girls fall for this type of thing, and probably look at the C.D. cover more than they play the silly thing. Whatever happened to selling music by having talent? Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones is probably one of the most hideous looking human beings on the planet, yet he is worth about $240,000,000, AND he can sing, to boot. I am sorry to say that if you looked like Mick Jagger, The Vida Loca would be a flop! | |||||||||||||||||
| So, it is only fair that each time this ridiculous song plays, anywhere in the world, you lose $500.00! Have a wonderful day. | |||||||||||||||||
| By now, Ricky Martinis in a panic.Although he was able to close all of his accounts, it did not matter. All certificates, bonds, securities, and all forms of money have disappeared. | |||||||||||||||||
| Now there is a new problem. Since the song continues to play, Ricky now has negative funds, like the Federal deficit (just not as bad, yet). Somehow, Ricky Martin is receiving cart loads of bills from guys, all over the world, for the average amount of $17.00 a pop, for having to suffer through listening to their girlfriend's, sister's, or wife's CD. And somehow, these bills are 100% legitimate. | |||||||||||||||||
| The second letter from Hell: | |||||||||||||||||
| Dear Ricky, | |||||||||||||||||
| I am going to cut you some slack, heh, heh, heh I will lift this curse that my friend Joe Wizard has cast on you under one condition: let other musicians know that they need to market their music with talent, not vanity! I will be monitoring your success of fulfilling this agreement. Oh, heh, heh, have a wonderful day! | |||||||||||||||||
| One month later, Ricky Martin was granted his wealth back but fully regrets The Vida Loca. And yes, Joe Wizard has a brand new, fully loaded radio, compliments of ... | |||||||||||||||||
| [This installment originally appeared in the September/October 1999 issue of THE THOUGHT.] | |||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO RETAIL HELL HOMEPAGE | |||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO MAIN INDEX | |||||||||||||||||