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| Retail Hell (Sangela Impson) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| By John Psycho | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The night seemed to be peaceful. John was sleeping better than he had in 10 years. Suddenly, the most horrible nightmare overtook him. John had heard horror stories from a very good friend about his ex-wife, Sangela Impson. The nightmare goes something like this: "Sangela, Sangela, get off of me! I would have wild, passionate sex with a crocodile before I would even begin thinking of you, if it was possible to think of you, and believe me, I try hard not to think of you." End of nightmare. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| About 2:07 a.m. John wakes up in a sweat and notices (momentarily) that his penis suffered an inversion, quite the opposite of an erection. Folks, that ain't good. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 2:25 a.m. John is now stable and the inversion has passed. He is furious and calls his buddy Joe. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOE: Hello!! If this is another prank call, I will find you and cast a spell on you that will enable the phone to ring just as you have reached your highest level of sleep, every day for the rest of your life. If there is no phone in your room, you will hear a phone-ring coming from your heater duct, speaker, or a variety of other devices... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOHN: Joe! Joe! Joe! Please, this is not a prank call. It's me! John! I really need to talk to you. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOE: Sorry John. Some snot nosed brat has been crank calling me for the past few nights. So, what can I do for you my friend? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOHN: I have been having this recurring nightmare... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOE: Oh, let me guess. The one about Sangela Impson? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOHN: You got it. It sounds like we need to initiate another round of Retail Hell. Will you help me? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOE: I have daytime nightmares when I think of Sangela Impson. At daybreak, we will send Sangela to Retail Hell. Our nightmares will end and hers will begin. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| In the morning, in Upland California, John Psycho and Joe Wizard arrived. As they arrived, Sangela?s ex-husband was picking up the kids so they could spend a quality day with their father and a real mother (Darla) that cares for them. Suddenly, Sangela's screechy voice arose from Hell, "KWIIIIIIS!!!!!!" (Any ordinary individual would rightly refer to him as Chris.) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOHN: Joe! I can't stand it! We must send her to Hell now! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOE: The spell is ready. Hocus Pocus... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| SANGELA: Hi, welcome to Dave Helm's Ford Dealership. Come test drive me, um, I mean, test drive a new Taurus. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| CUSTOMER: Well, O.K. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| As the customer is getting comfortable with the test drive, Sangela reaches for his... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| CUSTOMER: You stupid bitch. What the hell are you doing? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| SANGELA: What do you think? You are test driving the Taurus and I am test driving you. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| CUSTOMER: The hell you are! I would rather have wild, passionate... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| SANGELA: (Sangela interrupts) sex with a crocodile before I would even begin thinking of you, if it was possible to think of you, and believe me, I try hard not to think of you. Why is it that 20 guys have told me the exact same line over the past two days? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| CUSTOMER: Probably because your come ons give guys penis inversions. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| SANGELA: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| NEWS FLASH | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Good evening. This is Mario Alvarez reporting. Have you been to Dave Helm?s Ford in Buena Park lately? No? If you get a chance to check it out, you will notice a screechy, dingy woman named Sangela Impson who tries to test drive the driver as the driver takes the car out for a spin. If you are a guy and want to know what the opposite of an erection is, come see Sangela. What puzzles me is that for two weeks, she has not sold a car, yet she remains employed. Go figure. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| JOE: John, I suspect that your nightmares will end now. Dave Helms is stuck with her now. Ha, Ha, Ha..... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [This installment appeared in the January/February 2002 issue of THE THOUGHT.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO RETAIL HELL MAINPAGE | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO MAIN INDEX | |||||||||||||||||||||||||