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| RETAIL HELL | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| (DEALING WITH ODD NUMBERS) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| By John Psycho | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| As John was looking through some ads, something dawned on him. He noticed that | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| almost every price, big or small, seems to end with a nine. So, he brought this information home and conversed with his partner, Joe Wizard. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| John "Joe, let me ask you something, and I want you to give me a fairly quick answer. If I buy some items that cost $8.99, $6.99, $10.99, $4.99, and$11.99, would you AUTOMATICALLY round the numbers up a penny?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Joe: "Actually, probably not John. The biggest thing that stands out in my mind is the first number and very seldom do I realize that because of the 99 cents at the end, that the first number should actually be increased by one." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| John: "Bingo! That is where retailers have the consumers caught off guard. Most people do not realize that they should be rounding up instead of rounding down!! And, people simply find it difficult to add odd numbers together. It also gets more confusing when the applicable tax is added on." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Joe: "You are absolutely correct, John. In fact, I will do something about it." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| So, sure enough, Joe rounds up his personnel and sends them on a mission that will certainly open eyes in the retail business around the world. The mission is labeled, even numbers, 0, and 5 liberate. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Joe's personnel are so crafty and well skilled that the retailers around the world are clueless to what is about to happen to them. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Welcome to Walmart! Your total is $10.50." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Welcome to K-Mart! Your total, including soap for $2.00, chips for $1.50, and | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| a shirt for $15.00 is $18.50." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "At Chevron, premium gas is exactly $1.35 and no-tenths per gallon." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| This is just a small sample of what Joe Wizard and his crew has concocted. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Retailers around the world have fallen into a panic. What in hell is going on? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| They now know that they have deceived the public for so long and the people may actually fuss about paying a price for an item that ends with an odd number, other than 5. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| But sure enough, the personnel at Sears (still spooked about the mysterious changing of labels and alteration of their computer system to make all prices end in 0 or 5) have had enough of this nonsense. Every Sears store, nation wide, worked like hell to restore odd numbers to their labels and register scanner. Success would seem inevitable... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Next day. This is the ad that was shone nationally on all television stations. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Welcome to Sears. We have shirts for $13.00, $15.00, and $35.00. But wait, there's more! We have pants that begin at $15.00 and range all the way to | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| $45.00! Yes, we are honest for the first time ever! We do not try to screw over the public like we have in the past by using odd numbers such as 7 and 9. There is no such price as $9.99 and there never was! What is $9.99 anyway? $9.99 is $10.00! Why would we use such a deceitful number? Well, we did not want you to add numbers in your head easily. We realize that most people are too lazy to bring a calculator with them while shopping, so, why not deceive and get richer??" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| A letter from "Hell " | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Dear Sears, | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| This is John Psycho and Joe Wizard writing from Hell. We have done you the favor of setting people straight on fair pricing. The national advertisement was not cheap at all, by the way. You will be receiving a bill from us via Hell/Fax. If you do not believe that we reside in Hell, feel free to screw with us. Sears will become Tears. Any questions? You have our Hell/Fax number. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sure enough, not convinced that anyone could be calling from "Hell," Sears launched a massive investigation into finding out where John Psycho and Joe Wizard reside. Considering that the Hell/Fax plugs into the mysterious dimension known as Retail Hell, Sears realizes that they are pooling way too many resources into finding these Psycho and Wizard characters, so they decide to end the investigation and realize that 0's and 5's are here to stay. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Dear Sears, | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Congratulations, you have finally realized that you cannot win in Retail Hell. 0's and 5's are so much easier to work with; don't you think?? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| News at 10:00 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Strangely enough, Sears is the first retailer to confess that numbers ending | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| in 7 or 9 has been used for years to deceive people in thinking the price is a dollar less than it is. Target and K-Mart has also jumped on the bandwagon and I am getting reports of this happening around the world. Honesty? Retail? Can these two words exist side by side? There is some mysterious force out there that insists that these two words do coexist! (suddenly a panic overwhelms the anchorman) Oh my god, we are being controlled by aliens!!!!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [This installment originally appeared in the September/October 1998 issue of THE THOUGHT.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO RETAIL HELL HOMEPAGE | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO MAIN INDEX | ||||||||||||||||||||||||