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| RETAIL HELL | ||||||||||||||||||||
| (JUSTICE AT LAST) | ||||||||||||||||||||
| By John Psycho | ||||||||||||||||||||
| After viewing Governor Gray Davis of California and his latest freedom-bashing crusade, John Psycho decided that enough is beyond enough. Time has come for politicians to go to Retail Hell. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Joe: "Hey John. I came up with a cool idea. Check this out dude. When we send the politicians to Retail Hell, they will go there with REAL attitudes. I cannot wait to get started. I must say that my wizardly powers are fully charged and ready to roll!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| John: "Right on Joe! So let's go!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| John and Joe begin their month long campaign manipulating behavioral patterns of each politician that they target to send to Retail Hell. The first victim: Governor Gray Davis of California. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Gray Davis: "Hello, welcome to Walmart of Orange." Joyfully, he adds, "We just have such a lovely bunch of crap for sale. You are such a fucken idiot that you will let us sell you authentic crap at retail!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Customer: "Well, you Governor Davis wannabe, you have lowered your standards beyondsewer sludge! I want to speak to your manager!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Gray Davis: "Lowered my standards? Impossible! I have been a slime-ball most of my life. How do you think I have succeeded in politics?" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Customer: "You can't govern, and neither can the REAL Davis; and you can't greet! I want to see your manager, NOW!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Gray Davis: "Fuck you lady! Find the manager yourself!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| A big burly guy overhears the events that have transpired at the entrance of one Walmart in Orange, California. Hold onto your hats, my friends. It gets better. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Burly Guy: "HEY! That is not a way to talk to a lady. You better apologize now, freak, or you may be the subject of the next funeral." | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Gray Davis: "Go to Hell, you iron-pumping moron! It appears to me that your brains are located in the seat of your pants!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Burly Guy: "Because you look like the moron governing this state, I am going to hurt you like you have never imagined possible." | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Gray Davis: "I am Governor Davis, you moron! That would explain why I look like him! DAHHH!!!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Burly Guy: "Ya right! So that is why you 'greet' people at Walmart instead of residing in Sacramento?" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Gray Davis: "You don't understand. All politicians, including myself, have been condemned to Retail Hell. We are all fucken door greeters! But it gets worse! All stores with door greeters fired the previous door greeters and hired us instead. Now, the door greeters, who were fired, hate us and throw stones at us!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Burly Guy: "That is the biggest bunch of bullshit I have ever heard in my life. Apologize to the lady now! This is your final warning, wacko! | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Gray Davis: "It's Davis, Governor Davis, you moron!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Burly Guy: "That's it! $#$%##!@%$#%$####%$#%$!!!!!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Not only did Governor Davis wake up in the hospital with a fractured skull, broken arm, two black eyes, broken leg, and a busted nose, he will be in the unemployment line, once he is able-bodied. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| The latest breaking news reveals that all politicians are now working as door greeters and some are finding their way to the unemployment line. And yes, the news revealed the condition of Governor Davis in the hospital. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Burly Guy: As he sees the news clip, while hanging out with the guys, he yells, "Holy shit guys! That was no impostor at Walmart. I REALLY DID kick the governor's ass!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
| [This installment originally appeared in the November/December 1999 issue of THE THOUGHT.] | ||||||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO RETAIL HELL HOMEPAGE | ||||||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO MAIN INDEX | ||||||||||||||||||||