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| RETAIL HELL | |||||||||||||||||||||
| (THE "GHOST") | |||||||||||||||||||||
| By John Psycho | |||||||||||||||||||||
| John Psycho and Joe Wizard have decided to bash the retail sector with a "ghost" story. To many of the long time readers of The Thought, you may come to recognize who the fictitious character is, Dan Stephens. If not, I hope you will enjoy Retail Hell, anyhow...John Psycho... | |||||||||||||||||||||
| JOE: Hey there Johnny oh buddy! What type of retail mayhem are we going to indulge in on this fine spring day? | |||||||||||||||||||||
| JOHN: Well there Joe, we are going to take a trip to Escondido, California. We are going to introduce the "ghost" of Max Sterner to Dan Stephens. Poor Mr. Stephens, he is going to be hating life. | |||||||||||||||||||||
| As John obliges with the driving duties, so does Joe perform the mixing of the potions for operation Max Sterner's "ghost." | |||||||||||||||||||||
| After a few hours of driving, John and Joe safely arrive in Escondido, California. And, it only takes a few moments for John to spot Dan Stephens. Of course, as is always the case, John and Joe are once again invisible to their victims. Joe has mixed the potion and John is now casting the spell of | |||||||||||||||||||||
| Retail Hell on Dan Stephens. | |||||||||||||||||||||
| Suddenly, Dan finds himself working a cash register at Sam's Club Warehouse. | |||||||||||||||||||||
| But, as all cashiers will experience from time to time, there is a price discrepancy on a certain item. | |||||||||||||||||||||
| CUSTOMER: Excuse me sir, but the sign said that Sam's Choice Condoms are only $4.99, not $10.99. | |||||||||||||||||||||
| DAN: Ya right. You have the balls to tell me that I am wrong? I am the cashier and therefore I am always right! | |||||||||||||||||||||
| CUSTOMER: Excuse me? Did I hear you correctly? | |||||||||||||||||||||
| DAN: I don't know if your ears are functioning properly, but I said, I am the cashier and therefore I am always right! The ghost of Max Sterner is with me all the time. In fact his ghost is telling me right now that I am right. Sorry! | |||||||||||||||||||||
| By now, the customer is both frightened and outraged. | |||||||||||||||||||||
| CUSTOMER: I don't give a damn who the fuck is right. All I know is that Sam's Choice Condoms are marked as $4.99 on the sign. | |||||||||||||||||||||
| DAN: Max Sterner has reassured me again that everything I do is right. Why the hell can't you accept that? | |||||||||||||||||||||
| CUSTOMER: Accept that? You freak of nature, I am a psychologist and you need to be committed to a psycho ward. | |||||||||||||||||||||
| Sadly enough, Dan was committed to a psycho ward that same day. After hearing Dan Stephen's Max Sterner "ghost" story, five million times daily, some of the doctors and much of the personnel in this psycho ward cracked and were committed to rehab at other psycho wards, themselves. | |||||||||||||||||||||
| [This installment originally appeared in the July/August 2001 issue of THE THOUGHT.] | |||||||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO RETAIL HELL MAIN PAGE | |||||||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO MAIN INDEX | |||||||||||||||||||||