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| RETAIL HELL (EASTER BUNNY) | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| By John Psycho | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| John Psycho has noticed that Easter, like other "Holidays" is nothing more than a way for retailers to make shit loads of money. So, after conversing with the mastermind and world class magician, Joe Wizard, Easter of 1999 was going to be different, according to John Psycho. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| John Psycho: Hey, Easter Bunny, aren't you getting tired of delivering | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| eggs by the billions each year? | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Easter Bunny: As a matter of fact, I am! I get no respect from the retailers of the world! They use me, abuse me, and make tons of money off of me. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| John Psycho: I can imagine how tired you are of fattening the pockets of the retail giants, while you do all the work and make no money. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Easter Bunny: Exactly! But, what can I do? I am locked into a lifetime contract of pleasing millions of ungrateful brats, every year. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| John Psycho: I have just the remedy, my bunny friend. This year, you are going to have fun creating retail hell and holiday mayhem. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| John and the Easter Bunny converse, in length, on how the Easter Bunny is going to have fun creating retail hell and spoiling Easter for a bunch of ungrateful brats. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Once again, the retailers have made a mint selling Easter baskets, chocolates, eggs, stuffed Easter Bunnies, and so on. The kids are in for a huge surprise. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Joshua: Hey mommy, mommy, something is wrong! I dipped an egg into the egg dye and the egg vanished!! It's gone! | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mother: Joshua, that is not funny! Where did you put the egg? | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Joshua: Mommy, I told you. It is gone! | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mother: Go to your room and come back when you are done playing games!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Here is another trick that the Easter Bunny played on the kids, but also proves to be costly to retailers. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Samantha: Mommy, daddy, mommy, daddy! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Father : What on earth is the matter with you child? | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Samantha: My stuffed bunny is giving me evil looks!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Father: What the hell are you talking about child? That bunny looks happier than a deceitful politician! | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Samantha: But, but, but, daddy, he, he, he was looking at me very evil! | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Father: Samantha, you are so ungrateful. The bunny goes back to the store, first thing tomorrow morning! Good night! | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Eggs vanished into egg dye, yet the egg dye is harmless to the skin. Stuffed bunnies look evil to the children, but happy in the eyes of grown ups. Chocolates turn to horse manure, Easter baskets bust open when carried. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| The day after Easter, retailers are swamped with angry patrons demanding refunds on all Easter apparel. Definitely doomsday for retailers, but a true holiday for the Easter Bunny... | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| [This installment originally appeared in the May/June 1999 issue of THE THOUGHT.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO RETAIL HELL HOMEPAGE | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| RETURN TO MAIN INDEX | ||||||||||||||||||||||