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| DEMANDS FROM THE DEAD | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| (Uphold the Purity of the Good 'Ole Days) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| By Robert Clapp | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| It was the strangest phone call I've ever received, and I've had some doozies. Fighting for the Birthright to my own body has not only gotten me the attention of government goons, media morons, and loads of Luddites from the public, but now the world of the truly weird. The voice calmly said, "I am a psychic, a medium, to the other world; please do not hang up." Always curious, I responded, "I wouldn't think of it, most likely it can't be any stranger than this world, please go on." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Unfortunately, I didn't think to tape our conversation. What follows is the result of rapid note taking and my best recall. She continued, "The world of the paranormal has been unusually volatile and disturbed for several months now, even more than after 9-11." I quipped, "Given the Richter scale hysteria over that event, it hardly seems possible." She coldly replied, "I'm not here for humor or sarcasm. I'm here in the name of the dead." Now that sent a chill down my spine, and effectively shut me up. She continued, "When the other world becomes disturbed it usually portends grave consequences for our world. So, it is very unwise to further upset it. We must listen to their concerns very carefully." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I quickly apologized and said, "I'm all ears!" "The disturbances began to rise," she continued, "when many of the dead were receiving reports of how the dead heroes of baseball are being cheated by our world's players. Considering the un-earthly powers they have, upsetting them is dumb and dangerous. It's their concern that their records are being broken by our players' use of anabolic steroids. Something they did not have." I politely interrupted, "I really don't think they need worry because the people of our world, who believe as Swift stated, 'That they came into the world to watch and govern' have made anabolic steroids illegal and have banned them from baseball." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| With disdain she chastised, "You foolish man, that is not the point. The world of the dead is a place of consistency, no semantical shenanigans, no hypocrisy. They demand a level playing field in ALL things." By now I was truly confused and inquired, "Help me out here - what kind of level playing field?" She answered, "In the nether world a level playing field includes more than just a kid's game. It encompasses objective based ethics, no weathervane (pick and choose) ethics. In this case anything about physical improvement or enhancement includes all such aids. It is the failed philosophy of our world not to base such things on either the universal principle of Bodily Sovereignty of each Individual Human Being, or under the total control of collective force - one or the other; NO EXCEPTIONS!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I defensively replied, "That's precisely the battle I wage! I've devoted my very life to the absolute law that stands above the universe itself: MY BODY BELONGS TO ONLY ME!" She interrupted, "They know, that is why I was told to contact you. The world of the dead believes that you might get their warning to those who suppress such a law. That you might tell them that they better include all scientific advancements for physical enhancement, previously unavailable to the dead when alive, or there will be a punishment meted out more horrible than all biblical plagues or pestilence. The devastation will render Sodom and Gomorrah a celebration!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| At this point, my body trembled and my voice broke, "Since my fight against these mini-Hitlers and throw back Luddites has covered many years, I have had contact with some of them and know of many more. I could write them of the disastrous consequences of their evil acts against the Birthrights of Individual Human Beings. Either stop your vile and vicious attacks upon anabolic steroid users OR include ALL modern scientific methods of bodily enhancements not available during past lifetimes." I then swallowed hard, "If I do this may I ask that when the dead reign terror for our world's lack of compliance (and they will ignore you; their ignorance is infinite) will they place a 'MARK' on the doors of the innocent before their avengers come?" She responded, "This shall be done." She ended the call with, "A recording is being sent to you, in evidence, of the on-going violations against the dead in our world." That was the last I've heard from her, but as promised the recording arrived a few days later. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The recording is very definitive and long. Hence, I offer but a sampling of the deads' demands. I've mostly picked those whose names will be recognized. The warning is clear : either be consistent, right and wrong notwithstanding, or uphold the universal law of Bodily Sovereignty! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| At the top of the list is a demand from Mickey Mantle. NO! He is not upset about home run records being broken by anabolic steroid users. He does not believe that such guys are not good enough to carry his jock. What concerns our "hero" is the limp impotent bat inside that alcohol soaked jock! What infuriates our "hero" (that role model of a good father) is the TV commercials by Rafael Palmeiro proclaiming the miracles of Viagra! A drug not available in Mickey's day. He demands the even playing field of the good 'ole days when one had to live with no bang in the bat! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Next on the list was a host of female starlets from the past led by Rita Hayworth. With thunderous outrage they demanded the end to "plastic in a syringe!" If there was ever an insult to the aged of the dead, this was it. It is unfair in the extreme that today's women can inject a toxin into their faces and metamorphose into a plastic mannequin. Believe it or not, among the outraged women was Honest Abe who considered such unnatural wrinkle removal to be an insult to his cragged face. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Two famous singers from the past came next: Kate Smith and Maria Callas. They demanded an end to cosmetic liposuction. They held in their hands an advertisement by a prominent surgeon who offered to remove unwanted fat right in his office. They reminded us that no such surgery was possible in the good 'ole days. Ms. Callas told of her only option in the good 'ole days: She would swallow a tapeworm in the larva stage and it would grow by eating her fat; then pulled out later! To my surprise, standing with these ladies, with a drink in his hand, was that icon of physical fitness - Babe Ruth. Slurringly, he yelped, "It's not natural to staple your stomach. The only thing that should go in the stomach is good 'ole natural, booze - 'Hic.' That's what 'Hic' good role models 'Hic' like I do!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The anger continued to rise with a smoldering outburst from Marilyn Monroe. Though she had always been a sex symbol at the box office, she truly believed her lips were too thin, not voluptuous enough. When she saw Laurie Dhue, a dizzy blond who read news for Fox TV, and Julia Roberts pouting their swollen lips, she bit hers. She demands that this injecting of women's lips with unnatural silicon be immediately stopped. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The Rev. Bob Richards followed our sex symbol. He demands that the unnatural carbon-composite vaulting poles be banned. They represent impurity. Furthermore, he demands that such an impure act never be honored on a box of Wheaties. As a high-flying man of the cloth, he reminds our world that he has "special" connections for exacting revenge. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Standing with the "Rev." was one Y.A. Tittle who growlingly demanded that the unnatural practice of injecting cornstalks of hair into the skulls of bald men cease at once. "Let them try a toupee as I did." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The recording contained hundreds more. Demands that the impure practice of implanting teeth into gums be stopped. People should do as they always had in the "good 'ole days" - keep them in a glass beside their bed, or just gum their food, Gabby Hayes style! Demands from people who otherwise had 20/20 vision but cataracts had blinded them, but now they use the unnatural practice of having the bad lens cut out and synthetic ones put in. Demands to stop the unnatural acts of cutting, implanting, injecting, etc. for droopy eyelids, artificial knees and hips, rotator cuffs (allowing the unnatural act of extending a pitcher's career), flat stomachs, etc. completed the list. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| At the close of the tape, I pondered what would be the best way to honor their request of me? The answer came to me as I watched a media demagogue, named Bob Costas, on the Phil Donahue Show pontificating with great ignorance on anabolic steroid use and with feigned indignation calling for tests, bans, imprisonment, beheadings for this unnatural act that's damaging the purity of baseball! I knew immediately that I would send the demands of the dead to Costas and cohorts-all those who fit the description below. It is a quote from Frederic Bastiat, a truly great man now among the dead, | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "If the natural tendencies of mankind are so bad that is not safe to permit people to be free, how is it that the tendencies of those organizers are always good? Do not the legislators and their appointed agents also belong to the human race? Or do they believe themselves made of a finer clay than the rest of mankind?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Here is the initial list of those "organizers and appointed agents of the finer clay" to whom I sent the demands from the dead. While I do the psychic's bidding, I see no reason for its success. These are, after all, the organizers and agents spoken of in Proverbs 4:16, "Evil men who cannot sleep until they've done their evil deeds." It includes: | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jim Rome, The Loudest. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Bryan T. Gumbel, The Dumbest. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Barry Bonds, King of the Hypocrites. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Phil Boas, The Most Accomplished Liar. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mark McGuire, Barry's alter ego. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Senators Biden and Dugan, The Despotic Duo. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Luis Gonzales, Barry and Mark's Lackey. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Bill O'Reilly, Goebbels clone. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| George Will, Diseased Philosopher. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rob Bickley and Pedro Gomez, Pavlov's Dogs. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| John Madden, Tower of Babble. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mike Wallace, The Second Most Accomplished Liar. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Bob Costas, A Punk. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Names will be added in the future. Remember, what they all hold in common is the fanatical belief that your body belongs to them. Essentially they are slave masters and rapists by another name. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I close with a few observations about these slavers and rapists; these people of the "finer clay" and their hysterical harangue about the purity of baseball. They ask the world to believe that they love baseball; they claim to honor its American tradition; they celebrate its heroes; they extol its history; they bleed for the poor fans; they shed tears over its greed and use of anabolic steroids. This plethora of fiction could go on for pages. They are cold-blooded liars - obvious and provable. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| If any of it were true, they wouldn't continue to write, speak, attend, or support ONE single professional game. They would devote all such time, money, and words of praise toward the REAL purity, the REAL heroes of the game at junior and senior high schools; little leagues and youth sports played daily throughout the year with few fans and little funding. I absolutely know of what I write. I coached such youngsters for years, in and out of schools in baseball, football, basketball, track and field. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| We always struggled for fans, for fields, for uniforms and equipment, for funding; there was never enough. School Boards were made up of the kinds of people who buy season tickets to see the phonies, but budget little for the kids. They are always at the bottom of a priority list. Look at any sports section of any newspaper and you'll find little attention paid to these kids. Even though their participation FAR outstrips the phonies, the media give 99% of their coverage to the phonies. They're always too busy bootlicking for the "Pros," like rock and roll groupies. In other words if I were to finish the spelling of "Pros" it would be Prostitutes! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| If they truly believed in helping the game of baseball, in helping kids, of building character, they would blow off the pro-players and throw ALL that money, ALL that equipment, ALL those stadiums to the ones who really count, the ones who the game was meant for in the first place-The Youth of America! They don't and they won't because in the final analysis they are ALL full of shit! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Robert Clapp | 5244 E. Hashknife Rd. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| (480) 664-2633 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Phoenix, AZ 85054 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [This article originally appeared in the January/February 2003 issue of THE THOUGHT.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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