Wife speak
Parenting Help
Kitchen Humor
My mother tought me
Why men can't win
Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
"If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum." "If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better." "If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity." "If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference." "If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive." "If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman." "If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor." "If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob." "If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful." "If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious." "If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore."
You know your a mom when
Mom isms
You Know You're a Mom When: 1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care. 2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding. 3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket. 4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats. 5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you. 6. Popsicle become a food staple. 7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon. 8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day. 9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on. 10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off. 11. Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it's funny. 12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU! 13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent. 14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds. 15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions. 16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it. 17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.
"Is that what you're going to wear'" are made clear. (Translation of the last Momism: "I wouldn't be caught DEAD in that outfit.")
Women rules
Real mothers
1. The Female always makes The Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules. 5. The Female is never wrong. 7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.) 8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times. 14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp. 15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm. 16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining. 17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it. Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sand box. Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids. Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets. Real Mothers sometimes ask "Why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "Because I love you best." Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height, years, or grade... it is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom. Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Training courses for men just ask any women to sign up
Women�s 50 Rules for Men to Follow Call. Don't lie. Never tape any of her body parts together. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rule, "No Petting." The correct answer to, "Do I look fat?", is never, ever, "Yes." Ditto for, "Is she prettier than me?". Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lard___", and "B____" are bad. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. Her cooking is excellent. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking. Dish soap is your friend. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. Answering, "Who was that on the phone?", with, "Nobody," is never going to end that conversation. Ditto for, "Whose lipstick is this?". Two words: clean socks. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk. Burping is not sexy. You're wrong. You're sorry. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is. Ditto for your discourse on football. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound. "Will you marry me?", is good. "Let's shack up together," is bad. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist. "No." means, "No." "Yes," means "Yes." Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, or nothing at all, and it could change without notice. "But, we kiss," is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 P. M. Chivalry and feminism are neither mutually exclusive nor mutually interchangeable. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. If you do, tell her you love her, often. Always, always suck up to her brother. Think boxers. Silk boxers. Remember Valentine's Day, her birthday, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names. Don't try to change the way she dresses. Her haircut is never bad. Don't let your friends pick on her. (please note that the following two have been mentioned not once, but twice) Call. Don't lie. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labour while you sit in the waiting room on your butt smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything out.
Training Courses Now Available For Men Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore! Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill store Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
My Mother Taught Me... TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to fight with each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about." The science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!" STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." How to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!" THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!" ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
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