What is a father's great task? To bring himself and his family to God. That task requires self-discipline, wisdom, patience, strength and understanding. Small minds and hearts of children are not easy to guide; adolescent minds and hearts are bewildered and battered at times; the minds and hearts of young adults are often lost or too embarrassed to seek guidance. For them a father is a steady example of perseverance and good, a beacon for wondering and wandering minds. How could a father's task be done unless he remembered his children were created by a loving, wise and merciful God who is with his children - and with him?
A Father's prayer
Parenting help
Childrien need your help. You could be a big influence in thier lives.
Rules for women
Being a good father.
A Man's viewpoint
Dadisms
"turn that racket off in there." But what he really meant was, "turn down your music, I can't hear the TV." And what about this warning,
"Don't you ever let me catch you doing that again!" That simply meant, "you can do it, I just don't want to find out about it."
"I'M GOING FISHING" Translation: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING" Translation: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translation: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR" Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translation: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translation: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translation: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translation: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translation: "I remember the theme song to 'Air Wolf', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translation: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translation: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Translation: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Translation: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translation: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Translation: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translation: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translation: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translation: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translation: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"I MARRIED MISS RIGHT" Translation: "I just didn't know her first name was Always."
"I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO MY WIFE FOR 18 MONTHS. " Translation: "I don't like to interrupt her."
Guy isms
Good advice
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
1. Never test the depth of the water with both feet!!!
2. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple car payments!!
3. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day!!
4. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works!!
5. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it!!
6. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield!!
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket!!
8. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything!!
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!!
10. If you lend somebody $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it!!
You know your a father when
Best things about being a man
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.
Your underwear costs $10.00 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - $75.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to take a little gift.
Your pals never trap you with, "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut or bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th in 45 minutes.
YOU KNOW YOUR A FATHER WHEN...
1. Your famous lasts words are, "Ask your Mother,"
2. It use to be wine, women and song! Now it's kool-aid, Mom and Barney!
3. You use to walk to school in three feet of snow, uphill both directions!
4. You know what "Honey Do's" are.
5. You Favorite Football Team is in the Little Leagues!
6. Everything starts with, "Well, when I was a kid,"
7. You start sounding like your Father!
8. You can't understand how your six year old, turned sixteen over night!
9. You can recite the entire McDonald's Menu by heart!
10. You look at your childrens sleeping little faces, and tears come to your eyes!
Men's 43 or so Rules for Women to Follow
It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet up when you are done.
If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary on display in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
Shopping is not fascinating.
When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
Unless the answer is yes.
In which case, can he videotape it?
If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking jerks.
The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
He heard you the first time.
You know, you can ask him out, too� Let's spread the rejection around a little.
If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
Of course he wants another beer.
The guy doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot.
Dogs good. Cats bad.
Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
"Fine," is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
He was not looking at that other girl.
Well, okay�may be a little.
Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy�
There is nothing inherently wrong with the word (EDITOR DELETED)**.
He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
And all your friends think so, too; especially the cute ones.
Your (select appropriate item:) bottom/breasts/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look really good. Stop asking.
If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm.
It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
(DELETED -- SORRY - IT WAS FUNNY, THOUGH)**
Dirty laundry comes in several categories: looks fine/smells fine, looks fine/smells bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
Yes, Pamela Anderson/Beyonce/Jenifer Lopez/Angelina Joelie is prettier than you. Just like Orlando Bloom/Viggo Mortensen/Elijah Wood/Justin Hawkins is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all (not that you've seen too many others).
His bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency, is cute.
Don't hog the covers.
Watching football is a major turn-on for you, but, please, wait until the halftime show to act upon that�
He does not just want to be friends.
A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence, "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
Guy Rules
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes
complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional.)
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
never ask who's playing.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach.... and it's delivered by a
topless supermodel...and it's free.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't
see nothin'.
Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the
death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly killed it.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.
Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone; Hang up if necessary.
When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only
in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
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