(formerly Walter Pigeons)
One Act Black Comedy
Chris Mackey
Performance by special arrangement with Samuel Frenchfry Publishing
Sandra /BeBe , a 50 years old + woman/homeless pigeon-feeder
Walter, a Late 20's man/new account executive
Arturo, Under 40 male/odd thinker
Crystal , Under 40 female / odd thinker
Eric Falcone , Male in uniform - any age
Steve Peregrin , Male in uniform - any age
Jim , Supportive male - any age
CeCe , Challenged female - any age

Props needed-
Backdrop painted as a City Park. (On backdrop paint some pigeons, close to bench placement).
Park Bench, big enough for at least 3 people.
Feed Bag with crumbs.
Trash, Debri strewn nearby.
Fake Pigeons , Papier Mach'e or Ceramic ?
Inspired by ' Poisoning Pigeons In The Park '-Tom Lehrer song and ' Tuppence For Birds ' Woman from 'Mary Poppins ' movie.

DAY ONE: Opening scenes: Show three couples walk onto stage, jogged out at different times & going to different points of stage.
CENTER of set is Homeless woman, surrounded by pigeons on park bench.
1st couple - ARTURO and CRYSTAL
A and C are both looking at the woman and pigeons and comment -
Arturo: Hey, Bet you didn't know that pigeons don't hop like most birds, but, walk or run with their heads bobbing back and forth. (Arturo would show as a visual, bird-like.)
Crystal: Well, What I studied was that most birds take a sip of water and throw back their heads to let the water trickle down their throats, Pigeons suck up their water, using their beaks like straws. (This would be a visual demonstration).
Crystal and Arturo flap arms like wings and generally like birds out of scene and off stage.

( As we see this ,we are introduced to ...)
(WALTER passes by the bench and SNIFFS loud and dramatically,
SANDRA and audience can see he is disgusted with her taking this available bench.
He goes off to other side of stage.)
2nd Couple STEVE and ERIC / Peregrin and Falcone
( As These men come into scene ,we see uniforms ( Police ?)
( They too glance at woman on bench and comment).
Steve : You know we're supposed to make her stop feeding them birds and move on�
Eric : 'Ol Buddy, You know City Hall is trying to pass a law against her .How�s that go again ?
Steve : Now, that's a mouthful, Worse than Miranda, I'd say.
Heck, whatever it takes for them damn birds to quit pooping and you know some even croak they eat so much!

Eric : Is that what that smell is ?
Steve: Or it's just the old lady lacking soap,or the sink,It would be comforting IF a suds were coming from the bird bath�
Eric: Sometimes, I think you should be committed too !
(This would be where the third couple comes into scene.)

3rd Couple - JIM and CECE
(They appear to be wearing vests from Dept.Store , perhaps on their lunch break.)
CeCe : So, What should we discuss today ? , Instead of snacking like we used to at the store. Dr. Seacrest says : ' TO LOSE THE POUNDS,LOSE THE FROWN !' I know it doesn't rhyme, But it is a great start.
Jim : Well, I don't know if It will 'turn your frown upside down',Think we could discuss why women are homeless, like that lady on the bench.
CeCe : Alright, It'll still help me and definitely get my mind off food.( glancing at park bench).You know she reminds me of that lady from MARY POPPINS the one who feeds the birds, odd huh ?

Jim : Seeing her and you saying that explains ,why I was going thru childhood memories of SOUND OF MUSIC and DIAGNOSIS : MURDER being connected somehow .
CeCe : Focus, Jim , Sheesh 'You'll make me wanna go back to junk food with all that rambling'
Jim: Seriously, Do you smell that ?
CeCe: Probably all that junk food strewn thru park ,preservatives keep that stuff fermenting,ewww.
(With this we've introduced others in the park,and now should go to main couple).

DAY TWO - As this scene opens, We see Walter make another attempt to takeover the bench from Sandra.
The pair of police come into scene (observe Sandra on her bench, AGAIN.)
Eric : Let's just run her i.d. and see if we can add to her list of misdemeanors�
Steve : Righttt,and look at all the regulars,who pay taxes and watch Americas Most Wanted ,It would cause a scene,if not a riot.
(police are circling and spying on Sandra.)
( Walter comes nearer to bench, As if building courage or guile).
Walter - ( Talking DOWN to Sandra )
Okay, bird shit for brains,(mumbling, for Sandra to hear only) Slide it or lose it�(temper flaring with failure)You can�t even afford to feed this birds.
Sandra : (looking up slowly,as if guessing Walter will attack)

Sandra- For such a new friend, I like your smarts. I was thinking the other day, Money is getting tighter and tighter and how can I fund my little group's meals. Then, It hit me on one of my scavenger adventures in the trash, A cup,Or penny pot as we used to say.
(Reaches behind her and presents the cup).
(Sandra holds the cup out to Walter, who shies away with disgust, not offering any change. Walter does sit on the bench.)
Walter: The smell of that cup is nauseating...
(Sandra looks at the cup, looks at the AUDIENCE�)
Sandra : (Looking at Walter as she rises.)
Sandra : Entertain my babies for a moment�Momma needs seed.
( Sandra steps OFF STAGE and enter row of AUDIENCE).
Sandra :(looks around for accepting faces.)

(speech is sing-song fashion).
FEED THE PIGEONS, feed THE pigeons
I need help buying the seed, which I feed
To The PIGEONS, This park's PIGEONS

(Sandra finds a male member in the audience, leans down as if he is whispering to her, Grumbles as if arguing, then SMILES, SITS ON HIS LAP ).
Sandra : DOLLARS FOR DUCKS,(grinning at man),
(leans down one more time)NOPE- No credit for OLD ROOSTERS.
(Sandra heads back to stage, Walter has been eating his lunch and leaves bench as Sandra approaches.)

(Show Arturo and Crystal (odd thinkers) come into scene as Walter goes off stage.)
(Arturo and Crystal see the cup of change in Sandra�s hand and put in some change.)
(Sandra is back at her bench and putting money away, slightly acknowledges the odd couple for donating and acts as if police didn�t see her panhandling.)
Sandra : Thanks, Now get away from my bench � It's feeding time (said with smile).
Arturo : Hey, check her out,At least the Salvation Army rings a bell,when you drop change.
Crystal : Don't pick on the 'Ol Lady, She's like a DOVE AMONG PIGEONS.
Arturo : What does that make us ?

Crystal : You're a hawk for sure, Remember last night and the silly string, cheese.
(They walk off and curtain goes down).

( Background noise of bird wings flapping, chirping incidental bird noises) SANDRA (using a Cooing type tone, as not to scare birds) " There you go, eat up my pretties ." ( making mannerisms as spreading bread over large area, from sitting position).
Enter WALTER , he is on lunch and wants SANDRA�s bench.
(stage is centered with Sandra in middle, park bench is angled toward Walters entrance, Sandra continues to feed pigeons, But we see Walter entering from off stage).
(Walter glances around park, sees no other place to sit down, acts disgusted and cocky enough to think he can remove her and get whole bench to himself, notice lunch type stuffs in his grasp-HE SITS DOWN).
SANDRA and WALTER strike up adversarial conversation.
(She acknowledges that he is next to her, he seems to smell the bench area as if disgusted with stench of her and pigeons).
(They make eye contact warily)

WALTER: Can you finish feeding those birds, and move off my bench, My time is short.
While your at it, Why not use the bird bath to remove some of the stench of you.
SANDRA : (ignoring most of his speech) What�s your name, young man...people rush into anger without any introduction...?
WALTER: (perturbed) Lets just say ITS Walter, and YOURS ? ( done as throwaway pleasantry)
SANDRA: Neighborhood nicknamed me 'Bird Brain' aka BeBe, but it's Sandra...? (said sheepishly)
WALTER:(continues his tirade) Those BIRDS are so nasty, hate pooping birds...
SANDRA: (almost in a teaching tone) ... PIGEONS, Walter! , Pigeons they are not Just birds.

WALTER starts to eat lunch...
(He has food stuffs in mouth, but, seems to need to make an observation)
WALTER: Have you seen that MARY POPPINS video?,You remind me of That OLD lady in the square who sings, that song how's it go...(dramatic pause as remembering)... ...? TUPPERWARE FOR BIRDS...TUPPERWARE FOR BIRDS...(sing/song fashion of reciting).
SANDRA continues to feed pigeons...
(She appears indignant to his treatment, facially it is obvious she has her patterns).
SANDRA: MISTER BIG EXECUTIVE , in such a rush thru life...?
WALTER demeanor worsens...

WALTER: Would you just move on, so, I can eat my inadequate lunch, and get back to my 9 to 5 grind, ALL READY !!!?
HE grabs bag of SANDRA bread crumbs (croutons?).
(Walter makes this BIG, sweeping motion of grabbing the Pigeon Food out of Sandra�s grasp and scooping out most of it).
SWALLOWS a handful of them .
WALTER: LADY, give me the pigeon-snacks ( munching noises /almost choking as it goes down his throat, scraps of food tumble down his front/over bench/onto ground).
SANDRA carefully explains...

SANDRA: First off, Walter-I have'nt been feeding the pigeons, I've been POISONING the pigeons(her look changes into wicked smile)...Would have warned you of Feeds bite, BUT, you're in such a rush to Nowhere, maybe in Heaven you�ll learn to slow down(bigger grin).
SHE was'nt feeding the pigeons, BUT, poisoning them.
(They are making eye contact as she does her speech). HER philosophy of life and crowds(riff on Arsenic and Old Lace Ladies).
WALTER: I'm NOT feeling well, maybe call me a cab...better(voice is trailing off, delirious) dial 911...Where's my cell phone ?
Sandra, help meeee...?

SANDRA: Walter, I am helping you(reassuring tone) out of this ho-hum existence...Just as I've helped many a pigeon make room for others in My Park, On My Bench, Out of this harmless looking paper bag of poisoned morsels... They say my monthly check will run out soon (almost resigned, with shoulder movements)...
Sandra : Walter, You have just assured yourself of no , such worries?.
WALTER seems to have a fit...
(Using perhaps Alka-seltzer, Walter's character is foaming at mouth and convulsing in death throes...lots of shoulder twitching, wriggling to fight the inevitable end to his situation.).

WALTER: Gurgling noises (grasping for words to speak)?.
LEANS against SANDRA on bench.
SANDRA: There, there(soothing tones),no more worries for the New Accounts(said sarcasticly) executive ...
HE dies with his head on HER shoulder.
SANDRA: Oh, Walter now your journey begins. No More misdirection. Idle chit-chat. You are either going to have a scintillating ,Warm conversation below -OR(pause)- an enlightening chat ON HIGH ( emphasise ).
SANDRA continues feeding pigeons.
Looks at Walter,One more time.

Sandra: Now, Who smells ?(Grinning).
(SANDRA is making bird/pigeon cooing noises)
(Reaches to bottom of the feed bag, where most, potent morsels accumulate.)
(Seems very pleased with herself , acknowledges WALTER still beside her.)
....CURTAIN closes as lights dim on scene.


A one-act play

Updated 06/08 Back to Guestar


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