DEEP THOUGHTS * by Jack Handy
deepthoughts
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick
your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would
be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But
then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just
looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the
patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?"
and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't
even pay his bill.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started
to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you
say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask
for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd
probably be able to get a lot of free games.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
feel it.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy
said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and
started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just
say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun
of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a
free drink.
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all
get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too,
and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an
astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into
Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just
slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and
say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any
toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it
with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the
face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and
offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but
then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a
little, but that's the way of these people.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula
AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word
itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank"
and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is
mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
ideas.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin
Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then,
when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite
and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny
plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like
ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a
good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I
guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending
he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A
HUMAN HEAD!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When
the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the
porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a
note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep
the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what
is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made
a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive
and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat
some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things
never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said
it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -
just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started
to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he
picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and
how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell
on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was
a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm,
boy.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an
enemy planet.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we
should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and
since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and
give it to him.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First
of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that
looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to
laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet
that will really throw you into a panic.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says
something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?"
or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink
is our friend.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons
sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could
shoot beer out of you nose.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks
at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not
Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets,
because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But
what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and
Angel gets set on fire.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw
one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war
is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very
large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if
someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean
this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes,
where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from
a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't
get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose
your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes
a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they
thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start
faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases
you...
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with
no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization
out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people
or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so
confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---
unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody
called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class
and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to,
but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the
Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house,
but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him
out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run
out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a
sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those
ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for
about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West
and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was
doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is
gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by
a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten
feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with
him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying.
That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up
and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just
said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking
out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or
something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone
double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that
Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it
didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he
went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat
down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he
got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that
dull?
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was
fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I
said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick
insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth
like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't
say it was an interesting story.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the
cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but
instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then,
later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake
cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good
cigars!"
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was
coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't
I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that
uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy
space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and
make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at
inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I
thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees
something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when
I felt the handcuffs go on.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,
because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the
inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we
would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless
a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and
nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it
round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped
he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was
crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old
stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the
treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have
a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the
treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long."
But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is
getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You
know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was
about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long,
though.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going
to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may
the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start,
and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could
explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a
good laugh.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and
cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person
open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't
a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or
something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.