100
things to do in a crowded lift
1)Make race
car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2) Shake the person's hand when he/she
enter the lift.
3) Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
4) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your
kleenex to other passengers.
5) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead
and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!".
6) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small
World" incessantly.
7) Sell Girl Scout cookies.
8) On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural
frequency of the elevator.
9) Shave.
10) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
11) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
Wear yours upside-down.
12) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off
13) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank
the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
14) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie
patrol coming!"
15) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
16) One word: Flatulence!
17) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand
that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
"plink" at the bottom.
18) Do Tai Chi exercises.
19) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and
then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
20) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the
back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
21) Give religious tracts to each passenger.
22) Meow occasionally.
23) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your
nose.
24) Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then
sigh and say "oops!"
25) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks
infected.
26) Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while
continually pushing buttons.
27) Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator
descends.
28) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head"
on the side.
29) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
"You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
30) Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
31) Leave a box between the doors.
32) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the
button for them.
33) Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other
passengers "through" it.
34) Start a sing-along.
35) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask
"is that your beeper?"
36) Play the harmonica.
37) Say "Ding!" at each floor.
38) Lean against the button panel.
39) Say "I wonder what all these do" and push
the red buttons.
40) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
41) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and
announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
42) Bring a chair along.
43) Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger:
"Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
44) Blow spit bubbles.
45) Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
46) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more
suitable host body."
47) Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
48) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
49) Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at
other passengers.
50) Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting
larger."
51) Announce to the person stood next to you "I
really need the toilet. Can I use your bag?"
52) Ask the other passengers "Wouldn't be great if
this lift were to plumment to the floor, what do you think will happen?"
53) Petend to get your leg stuck in the door as it closes
53) Without letting anyone see, press the emergency stop
button. Act surprised and start talking to yourself "its ok, it wasnt your
fault you killed your family. It was SATAN, damm you SATAN! DAMN YOU!!!"
Then press the stop button again and act as if nothing has happened.
54) Scratch yourself excessively saying "fucking
headlice. They're all over me. I knew I shouldn't have played with that dog so
much"
55) Set out a pinic set on the floor and suggest to the
other passengers to join you in afternoon tea
56) Break wind and blame it on the person next to you
57) Pretend your are a repair man here to fix the lift.
Wait untill its busy and tell everyone to get out of the lift. You get in, get
your paper out and sit and relax
58) Start to talk about your sexlife. Tell them that all
of your three children were concived in this very lift. And point and say
"it was up against that wall"
59) Have sex with your imaginary friend
60) Say you have just won the lottery and you are on your
way to collect your winnings. See how many people are listening to you
61) As the lift descends, shout "Bombs away!"
62) Offer to polish their shoes. When they say no, tell
them you need the money to feed your ten starving children back home in Estonia
63) Hand out leaflets - "what to do when the lift
cable breaks. The ten tips that will keep your body in one pice (although these
tips will not save your life, it will make the rescue a bit cleaner, and we wont
have to spend ages cleaning the blood of the walls) Hope you will live to do it
again!"
64) Perform a striptease
65) Act surprised when it starts to move and say "THE
GROUND IS FALLING!"
66) Fake an orgasam when the lift starts to move. Announce
that it was your best ever
67) Let your mobile phone ring - dont anwser it.
68) Walk in to the lift with a clear bottle of apple
juice. Start drinking and say "ah, theres nothing like your own urine to
quench your first. Does anyone want some?"
69) Say "this new g-sring is really starting to
hurt." Then attempt to adjust it.
70) Walk into the lift and say "this reminds me of
being burried alive. Ah those were the days"
71) Suggest to the other passengers that you all should
play a game of twister. Then get out the board and lie it on the floor
72)Paint the walls of the lift.
73) On entering, ask the passengers if they want to be
your friend. Burst into tears if they say no.
74) Stop the lift and say "twenty years in prison for
murdering the whole family, and I get stuck in a lift after being out for two
hours. Just my luck!"
75) Get back to nature - go in naked
76) Pretend to be the pilot of the lift, speach into a
headset "this is lift number 1, ready for decent to 1st floor. Waiting for
permission to depart, over"
77) Announce in a computer like voice "this lift will
self destruct in 5 4 3 2 .....oh heres my floor"
78) Serve tea and coffee
79) Take shoes off before entering, Look shocked and
disgusted when the others dont
80) Act like the sergent of the lift. Order people around.
Tell them to get in line.
81) Suggest to the other people that your should play
musical statues. Bring a tape recorder along too
82) Teach the people french. Dont let them leave till they
get it right
83) As you are coming to the end of the journey, get
enmotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
84) Insist, the lift ride costs £2.50
85) Describe in detail, how you're "hung like a
horse"
86) Pretend to be a flight attendant (particularly
affective if you are dressed like one), instruct the passengers on what to do in
an emergency
87) Yodel
88) Bring out a magnifying glass, closey inspect the other
passengers skin and say "ooh, look at your pores"
89) Sing "I know a song that will get on your nerves,
get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves" Over
and over again.
90) Ask the others "Do you mind if I do my eminem
impression?", then bring out a chainsaw and a mask.
91) Try breakdancing
92) Bring out a fake toy gun and shout to the person next
to you "you lookin' at me?"
93) Challenge the guy stood next to you to a "thumb
war".
94) Explain your ideas of world domination to the wall.
95) Force people to read to Kama Sutra while asking
"do you wanna try this one?"
96) Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and
in a deep voice announce "it is time..."
97) Pretend to see a spider, repeatedly and violently
stamp on the floor while screaming "Die you bastard, die DIIEEE!"
98) While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper,
"Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
99) If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler
"Bad touch!"
100) Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around
your head.
New! Added 27th April 2002. With
thanks to John
101) Explain to the passengers that this lift
looks the same as the ones on all the other floors.
102) Re-enact scenes from a movie where someone climbs out
through the roof.
103) Tell people their clothes are stuck in the lift door,
when the look round and see it isn't, apologise, then 5 seconds later say it
again in exactly the same tone of voice.
104) Strip naked and ask if 'your' (not my) bum looks big
in this dress.
105) Release cockroaches and rats or doves.
106) Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to
be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
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