Title: Summer
Author: Lolita Malfoy ( [email protected] )
Pairing: Lucius/Draco
Raiting: R
Warnings: hints of incest
Summary: Lucius POV, a father and his desire.
Authors Note: I dedicate this to Lorielen for her inspiration and wonderful art. I'm grateful to know you darling!

~*~

Summer

Nobody can have the soul of me. My mother has had, and nobody can have it again. Nobody can come into my very self again, and breathe me like an atmosphere.
~ D.H. Lawrence

~*~

It's summer. All the windows and doors are wide open, the rich smell of flowers from the big garden is everywhere in the manor. The air is vibrating, merciless heat of August. My breathing is slow and calm, my eyes are only half open and I try to read a book from our library...at last I fall asleep, drift into dreamworld.

As I open my eyes again it's dark outside, the book lies open on my chest. Everywhere there are candles, which lighten up every angle of Malfoy Manor. I hear curbed voices, laughter, a discussion. Narzissa and some of her friends. I'm not sure I'm really awake.

I put the book aside and stretch. My whole body feels narcotic. I tie my long fair hair with a black silkbow. The candle flames begin to flicker as I walk trough the rooms to the terrace where the laugther comes from.

Marla and Edward Parkinson sit together with my wife in the garden and are having a quite enjoyable time. I don't think that they are here without their daugther. That fact fills my heart with enviousness.

I hear steps, too light and insecure to be the ones of my son. Seconds later, Pansy Parkinson stands beside me.

"Good evening Mr.Malfoy."

Her voice is the one of a pubescent girl, I can already hear the disarming clay of a woman. Soft and seductive. I look at her for a long moment, taxing her.

"Where is Draco?"

"Here I am father."
We turn both in the direction where the voice comes from, the looks we direct at him are similar.
Pansy is obviously in love with my son.

"The Parkinsons are here?"

"Yes, mother has invited them, do you want to join us?"

Draco wears black pants which are extremly short, they rather remind me of underwear. His shirt is open and of expensive material. His hair is messy, his mouth is pink though somebody had kissed him.

"No...I don't think so."
I smile a bit artifically, hide my inner tautness, my anger.

"It would be a pleasure for me if you would join us father..."

He takes a few steps, touches briefly my left arm and goes together with Pansy outside in the luminous garden. I can smell her perfume on my son.

I follow them after short consideration. I acclaim Edward and Marla, take a seat on one of the designer-chairs and jump in the discussion of the new elite club. I drink one glas of champagne after another and the periods I spend looking at Draco and Pansy get longer and longer.

"Haha, yes and do you remember, father? When we were in Russia on a ball, I think I was twelve, and I wanted so badly to dance with you? Everyone was totally delighted!" Draco laughs and gesticulates, his cheeks are a bit red and his eyes glitter. Pansy giggles and everybody has pleased expressions on their faces.

"You looked like a prince, we were so proud of you, even Severus was grinning and that means a lot!"
Laughter again. Pansy strokes Dracos hand with her small fingers. I nearly crush my glass and suddenly I feel melancholy getting me, how I'm going through a low. I grin and bear it.

It's late as the Parkinsons leave, I feel effete and hollow as I lay hours later in the cool meadow near the lake, which is not far from my house. Darkness and silence around me, just the ripple of the water and the chirp of the crickets.
Sickness, is what I feel after this evening, disgust, horrible bitterness.

I think of the tight pants he wore, how they stretched, how handsome he looked in them. I think of his swollen lips, of the kiss he has obviously shared with this girl. I feel madness.

The sky is clear, I can see the stars...steps, steps in the grass destroy my peace, my darkness in nothing.

"Father?"

I sit up, look at the dark shilouette.

"Can I join you...?"

I smile even though he doesn't see it.
"Sure."

He lies near me, I can feel the heat of his body, I can hear his heart beating. Then he bends over me to see right into my eyes.
"What is wrong with you?"

Straightforward he asks me this, confronting me with my inner demons.
"How are you, Draco, are you ok?"

"Yes I think so...but how are you, your voice sounds somewhat sad..."

"This is none of your business...the essential is that you are auspicious."
My All.

"I've never said that..."
His naked upperbody, the fact that I get an erection again.

"Do you love me father?"

"How can you ask me that? Surely I do love you."
My heartbeat gets faster. Breathlessness. Panic.

A light breeze is blowing as Draco stands up and goes to the bank of the lake. I don't know if it's clever to follow him, I do it nevertheless, driven by my desire. Like a predator.

"It's a beautiful night..."
He takes off his shoes and goes in the knuckle-high water, every move is graceful.

"Yes...it's summer."
My words are meaningless, I say them merely to speak.

"Father..."

"Yes?"

"I want that you know, there is nobody that I admire more than you, I trust you completely and I'm grateful that you love me."

"That pleases me."
I smile and my feet dive into the cool water of the lake.

"Can I kiss you father?"

My eyes go wide, then again I feel this bitterness, the certainty that he means it in a different way.
Like a son... and I hate myself for how sad this makes me.
"Sure."

Draco comes very craven up to me, nearly insecure. The breeze is gone. His eyes are locked with mine, his heat leads me to shiver, his young body so near to mine in this intimate situation. The kiss is gentle, his lips are soft and closed. And as I think that this ecstasy is over again, his mouth is still on mine. Then he embraces me, tighter than usual.

"Is everything alright Draco?"

"I don't know father...I just don't know."
He sounds broken-hearted.

"Could it be that you keep something from me?"
He removes his arms from around me and turns away.

"Do you know how it feels to want something... and already knowing unerringly that you never will get it, never."

"What could that be, Draco?"
Malfoys get what they want, any other way would be contrary to nature.

He laughs haggardly, cynical.

"Good night father."
With these words he leaves me.

~*~

I sit in the dining-hall and eat my breakfast. This room is one of the most beautiful at Malfoy Manor but also one of the darkest. The floor is of black marble and there are a few very expensive and old carpets on it. Baroque ornaments and many paintings decorate the blood-red walls. The big crystal chandelier hangs heavy from the high ceiling.

Narcissa tells me something, she has been sitting here for a while and talking to me. I stare into space and don't regonice her voice. My lack of interest in her and my melancholy.

"...he thinks so an....time no proble....now you.......Oh yes, Draco said to me he wants to visit the city, if you could go with him."
A flare of childish happiness.

"Yes I also have to settle a matter."
Liar. I'm a cruel man and I have never been considerate to anyone. I am Lucius Malfoy, I don't know charity, all I know is avarice.

Nothing is worthy of being loved by me, even my Lord doesn't have that privilege.

My love is only true for him. I must bear the blame. The only earnest feeling I have, the greatest sin of all.

Slowly I go up the stairs to his bedchamber, past the many paintings of my ancestors. I also hang there in a silver frame, in the pretty age of 16 and I'm smiling snotty at me. Amazing how similar to my son I look.

I knock on the heavy door and wait until my son opens it. He still wears his dressing gown, his hair is already combed and overall he looks quite awake.

"Good morning father."

"Mother told me you wanted to go to the city, shall I wait downstairs until you're finished?"

"No, come in and take a seat, it won't be long."

I step into his chambers always with the respect he deserves. Almost the whole first floor belongs to him. I wanted that, Narcissa was against it.

I sit on the edge of his bed and take off my black leather gloves. Draco stands before his garderobe, which is as long as the whole room. It opens as Draco says the right spell for it. He takes off the dressing gown, lets it glide to the floor. It takes my breath away.
Pure beauty, perfection.

Draco sleeps like I do, without any clothing and this is how he stands now before me. My mouth is open and I devour him with my eyes. It's amazing that someone can feel so much joy and so deep pain at the same time.

Then he pulls on his shirt and pants, there is just silence and when he turns around to look into my eyes, I see the same emotion that I feel.

"Could it be father, that it is the same thing that gives us so much pain?"

My gaze is helpless, like the ones of my own victims.
"I don't know what you are talking about, let's go now."

I stand up and leave the room, the coach is already waiting. Draco rushes after me.

"Wait for me, father!"

As we sit in the coach Draco looks abysmal like a scared animal who searches for refuge but doesn't find it. It breaks my heart to see him like this. I don't understand.

"Speak to me, what is it that aggrieves you?"
I'm begging.

"No father, forget it, I'm fine, really."
His expression changes as nothing had happened, perfect Malfoy-facade. He strokes his hair back and smiles at me.

"However, what do you want in the city?"

"I need suitable clothing, next week is the dinner-party of the McNairs and because I'm to go there with Pansy I will attract even more attention than usual."

I swallow before I answer.
"Yes I understand....it seems you get on well with her."

"She is nice."
He doesn't say more and looks outside of the coach-window.

It mortally offends my arrogance that he gives someone else his attention. I play with the thought of getting her killed, of course I won't do that but it crosses my mind now and then.

It's raining as we get out of the coach, I use my black umbrella and Draco links arms with me. Again I notice how beautiful the hands of my son are, so well manicured and feminine. On one finger he wears a ring, I had this unicum made for him, a present on his 16 birthday.

"Unseasonable that it rains."
Maybe I have something to do with it...but he doesn't have to know.

"Yes, strange..."
I smile and open the door of "Black&Beautiful" for him, the most expensive wizard fashion-store of england. I love buying him the things he wants. Draco is a spoiled brat, that's my fault.

"Thank you."
He grins snottily and goes inside the store, immediatly the pretty sales girls hurry to him and welcome their favorite patron. They take every opportunity to touch my son, to speak to him or give him equivocal looks.

We have a whole room for the try-on, Draco has an exquisite taste in clothes and it pleases me to go shopping with him compared to Narcissa.

"What do you think, father?"
He wears a black frock coat, a medieval shirt with quillings. His pants are tight.

"You look incredibly beautiful in it." He bows before me, grins and offers me a hand as though he wanted to dance.

"Come on father, I want to know if I can dance in it."
He nestles to me. This closeness and how I pine over it. Thrill.
Undescribable emotions. Our steps are slow, his head on my shoulder. I breath his sweet scent in and I wish that it didn't have this twisted effect on me.

"I think I'll take it."
Happy expressions of the sales girls, who have seen our little play.

I pay. A little death. Every day I die again.

~*~

It's deep night, the sallow moonlight shines trough the high gothic window into the room. I lie alone in my private bedchamber, Narcissa is away, she spends the night at friends of us.

The whole evening I drunk martinis and engaged myself with paperwork of the ministry.
The escape and fear of myself.
Now I have headache and try to sleep for hours, vainly.

I think of my son.

My love to him is not at all wanted or intended, I don't have the disposal of it, for the first time in my life. I see him and there is this hunger in me, this longing and it feels so demoniac and dark. I have killed so many and felt nothing but nothing is like this, nothing will ever touch my soul so deeply. In such moments I call my personality in question, do I truly lose control over myself. Can it be, that a simple smile of him destroys everything I am.

A knock on the door.

"Father, are you awake?" No, please go away.

He opens the door, steps into my world without permission. My son is silent and his moves are feline. He can't see if my eyes are open or shut in the darkness. For him it's easy to move so freely but he doesn't know what he harms thereby.

"Father?"
A whisper.

"Why aren't you sleeping, Draco?"
A sigh. I can nearly feel imminence, like when the sky turns black and you already know there will be a tempest.

"I had a nightmare, can I sleep in your bed?"

Draco, you are sixteen, don't you think you're a bit too old for that. That's farcical. This is what I should say, instead I let him. I'm sure he has other reasons or maybe I just wish that he had.

"Why are you really here?"
Silence.

"I demand an answer."
That's not a fact, it's a threat.

"I don't know, perhaps I want to be with you."
It was difficult for him to say that because it sounds honest. He looks to the ceiling and tries to escape my attention on him.

Then he just begins to speak...
"Words are power, especially when people have secrets. They can destroy, they can connect. You believe in this power, you taught me what I can affect with speech. Now I fear it because I fear to say something that I will regret. It's the first time that I fear to hurt someone and get hurt in return."

"And who is this someone?"

"If I could tell you that, I wouldn't have the problem."
That's the answer, unless it's clever arranged and as I realise that I begin to panic. Immediately I feel shame and disregard about myself. I could not bear if he knows it, if he noticed it.

"I can not tell you father.....I don't know what I should do..."
Despair. He cries, it's five years ago that I have seen tears on his cheeks.

I want to die.

"Draco, no don't cry."
I wrap my arms around him, feel his fast heartbeat, how he shivers.
A kiss on his forehead.

"Father..."
He sobs and hugs me tight. I've never seen him like this. The touch of his body makes me so lustful in this emotional situation and I loathe myself.

"I think you should go to sleep now."
That's the last thing I say in the darkness of the room.

~*~

I sit in a shadowy garden, abundantly covered with vegetation, in my hand I hold a glass of red wine. I'm on the run again. I left the manor early in the morning and drove to one of my friends', still fraught with yesterday night.

As I opened my eyes this morning he laid beside me still sleeping, his chest moving up and down. His face was pale but lovely and alluring like the one of a nymph or a faun. I touched his rosy lips, which looked like two petals on his white skin, carefully I ran my fingertips over them and held my breath.

A few minutes I just looked at him, drunk his beauty like a precious essence. Then I left him and flew.

Were my emotions music, they would sound like Beethoven's moonshine sonata. There is no anti-venom for what slowly but surely kills me. There is no salvation and this hot, merciless summer seems to scream this to me with its colourful butterflies and narcotic flowers.

Walden McNair, a man at my age, his hair is shoulder-long and hazel. With his greygreen eyes he looked with fake sympathy in at least as many faces as I have, to then take their lives in a cold-blooded manner. As well he works for the ministry. As well he is a Death Eater.

"I think we should talk seriously with Verlanders, he is getting exceedingly annoying. Sashays trough the ministry as if he is someone. Dear me, very funny."

"He annoys me too, you know how they are in the beginning, he just doesn't know how he has to act in our presence, we will teach him."

Walden laughs, knowing what I mean, and takes another sip of his drink.

"Will Severus be at the dinner-party?"

"If he can leave his cold Hogwarts-dungeons alone for an evening, maybe, you know Lucius, I believe in wonders."

I look amused and roll my eyes.
"What did he say when you asked him if he could come?"

"I'll quote literal, A omnium-gatherum of decadence, high-society and your bothersome wives, do you really ask me this McNair? I'd rather would go with the Gryffindors to Hogsmead than that. He is always so charming, I think he will be there."

So I spend my whole day at the McNair's and try to forget why I'm actually here. At the afternoon as I see a few photographs in many different and ostentatious frames on a big sideboard, my mind gets me again. One of the photographs shows me, my wife and our six year old son with the McNairs.

Draco doesn't smile, on no photograph that I know has he ever. His look is always serious and mainly proud. I touch the bewitched picture of my son and remember the time when he was really a child. A blessed and uncomplicated time.
As he turned twelve everything changed, even the sound of his name, when I say it now there is something strange in my voice, a disharmonious undertone which should not be in it, above all when it's the name of my son.

"It's late, I will go now Walden, It was a pleasure to me, we'll see each other on Wednesday."

On my way home I can nearly see his reproachful face because I just went without saying where to and when I would come back. He will hide it but I will feel it nevertheless.

As I enter our estate it's nine, the sun is already lost and the sky is fulfilled with the colour of a still light blueviolet.

Before I go inside I take a seat on the terrace and wait until it's dark.

I can already see the stars, Venus beats down on me like she wants to satirise me. The inescapable fact that I must look into the mirror again. Love is really sickness or is it just my love which is so sick?

"Father?"

I close my eyes briefly, open them again and see Draco as he stands before me in short, tight jeans and an open shirt. He is pure sin.

"Where were you?"
Wrath.

"At friends."

"I don't believe you. Where were you really? You are so frequently away recently, you keep out of my way or sidestep me! Have I done something that deserves your contempt? So that you creep out of the house early in the morning and leave me alone in your bed? What have I done, what, father?"

For a moment I just look at him, as if somebody has pulled the rug out from under me. Rarely I have seen my son so emotional, it's beyond the pale for a Malfoy.

"I don't owe you explanations."
My incompetence to handle it.

"I've always thought I meant something to you, it's summer, mother is away, I already don't even recognise it here and now you let me all alone in this wretched house! Why do I still actually come here? I don't see you the whole schoolyear and expose myself to Potter and Gryffindor dissimulation and when I'm here where I should feel at home there is nobody who gives me attention!"

"Enough!"

"NO! It's not enough! I LOVE YOU! I can not bear this state any longer! Damn, I love you, father!"
He is frantic, drags on me and clutches my arms.

"What's got into you, Draco?"
Control. A balance on a knife's edge.

"How can you be still so emotionless?"
He runs a hand over his hair desperately, tries to gather himself but it seems that it doesn't work.

"Just forget it, father, forget it!"
Furiously he leaves the terrace and disappears in the darkness of the house. I stand up and follow him, grab his wrist and pull him close. Just briefly I see his tearful eyes, I move closer to his face, inch after inch, my mouth opens, I shut my eyes and my lips touch his, soft and tender. As well he opens his mouth, lets my tongue glide in and taste his sweetness. The forbidden fruit is mine.

I wish time would stop, that I could forever dwell on it. A eternal dream. I wish there would be no consequences, not the fact that everything will change because of this. I know that, in the end, this love will destroy me. May it be.

~*~

Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.

I'm in the basement, you're in the sky,
I'm in the basement baby, drop on by.
I'm in the basement, you're in the sky,
I'm in the basement baby, drop on by.

Hold your breath and count to ten,
Then fall apart and start again,
Start again
(Placebo//English Summer Rain)

~*~

To be continued....