THE COMMENTARY
Reality Editor Gordon Pepper and News Editor Chico Alexander provides
commentary.
(This show was recorded on Feruary 23, 2004)
(This break has been sponored by American
Bunny. Come support a bunny for pop Superstar - and
let's face it - they sound much better than what we heard
last week on tv).
Chico: And then Gordon gets to kill it!
(The Big Board is brought to you by the
American Express Black Card. You can't afford it. You
can't use it. You can't even apply for it. An invitation is
being sent to whoever wins the $10,000,000 this week.)
Gordon: The card is designed to make people in the black
go in the red?
Chico: Alright... Sup, dawgs, this is Randy
Jackson alongside Simon Cowell...
Gordon: You suck, you suck, you all suck. That's pretty
much Simon's opinion of the past AI week - and I
completely agree with him.
Chico: That and more on this week's WLTI
show... But first, obviously, big news tonight, the Super
Millionaire... More money, more lifelines, new set?
Gordon, what's that all about?
Gordon: Well, I was in the audience for the first night of
the new Super Millionaire tapings - and I had an absolute
blast. The taping was over 3 hours long, and Regis, who
was suffering through his malaise, was in fine spirits. The
show looks great and the new Lifelines look hot. The Lifelines are the 3 Wise Men, which
combine 3 experts (including a previous Millionaire
Winner) to help the player out with a question, and
Double Dip, which gives a player 2 shots at an answer.
Chico:
Other than that, it's the same old game, and...
Malaise, what malaise?
Gordon: Regis was suffering through food poisoning, and
he admitted that he threw up 4-5 times during the day,
which sparked the audience into applauding him.
Chico: Ah. Well, it's deserved. I betcha that you
won't even notice during the taping.
Gordon: Regis was almost on top of his game. He still was
a little unclear about the strategy, especially at the 11th
question, but from a hosting standpoint, it's the same old
phenomenal Regis. You'll notice it because of his voice - it's clearly
not as strong as he usually is. And he does mention it in the intro
Chico: Ah. Well, he fought it, and that's the
best thing.
Gordon:
He sounds good - and it should look very good for the first episode. Tape the
VCR's because this one is a classic - especially the 11th question, which I
won't go into but it's hysterical. The first player was very good - but he didn't
grasp the complete Millionaire strategy. The first person
who does that will go VERY far in this game.
Chico: Are you calling that right now?
Gordon: Yes I am. The game has now made an extra layer to it - and knowing when to use what Lifeline is even more
crucial than before. The first person to know when to use
what Lifeline will be leaving there with 7 digits.
Chico: I can't wait to see. I'm hoping that it
catches on, but not to the point where ABC starts to
depend so much on it.
Gordon: They were talking about a 4 times a year, weekly
stint - which I think is the best way to do it.
Chico: I agree. Overkill is bad. You know what else is bad?
Gordon: The week of American Idol singing?
Chico: Very bad.
Gordon: UGLY
Chico: HORRENDOUS, even. It was bad to the point where five of the
eight got ravaged, but one of them gets in the top two.
Not even by a distant margin. What's up
with that?
Gordon: This competition has ALWAYS been about the
making of a pop idol/icon. It has NEVER been about
who is the best singer - and the past 2 weeks have been
painfully evident by it. This competition is 50% singing and
50% charisma. Although someone who is the total package will
always win, someone who isn't all there in the singing
department can always go far if they have a good back
story. Season 1 - Nikki, Season 2 - Josh, Season 3 -
Matt Rogers. Matt is a very good singer - and I like his voice -
but he got in with a half-assed singing effort and a
boatload of charisma - including wearing a pin for cancer,
etc. Matt is truly playing this game the way that it is meant
to be played - and his win should have everyone sitting up
and taking notice on how to play AI.
Chico: Nikki was the stripper, Josh is the
Marine, and Matt is the psychotic football player. Feel
the love, everyone.
Gordon: Psychotic football player who can sing Italian
opera - how many guys can do that?
Chico: Well, I've got half the formula, I can't
play football.
Gordon: I can be the psychotic bowler who can sing
Carmina Burana.
Chico: But it's interesting you mention AI as a
game. You know, eventually, the game stops and it's all
about who rises to the top (should the public vote right).
Gordon: The game never stops. Charisma is all about it - the best players in both
categories win. Ruben beat Clay because he marketed
himself better with 205 and the teddy bear - plain and
simple.
Chico: Better by 130,000.
Gordon: Yep - Kelly blew out Justin - but Clay and
Ruben were very close - and in that game, charisma was
the blatant deciding factor.
Chico: That and deciding to go forward instead
of backward. Like Rob last week on Survivor (you like
that set up, don't you).
Gordon: I'll give it 4 stars.
Chico: *thubs up* Rock star =p
Gordon: Rob, the best player to never win, played a
rotten game this time around. He made the cardinal error
of being the follower and selected the wrong ponies.
Chico: The other Rob, on the other hand, is
picking up exactly where he left off.
Saying one thing, doing the other;
ponying up on the right shoulders; getting the right
minions; manipulating them... This guy's just king.
Gordon: Boston Rob has learned a lot about this game
from watching the previous episodes - you can tell that he
came back to win - and he could very well do so.
Someone who I also think is playing a great game is Mr.
Hatch - I do think that his bulls-eye is a bit too big for him
to get out of - but he is playing a masterful game.
Chico: He's trying. And he didn't drop trou
once... last episode.
Gordon: We really didn't get to see much of him on the
last episode - but he's there to play.
Chico: He's cocky and arrogant, but at least he
can back it up, but he better hope that no one finds the
keys to the rice, because then he might be seen as
redundant.
Gordon: He may realize that - and I want to see how he
counters it.
Chico: Me, too... Speaking of counters, (there I
go again!), TPIR is nearing 6000, and we're nowhere near
seeing some permanence on the show... I mean, we can
only take interim announcers and phone-a-beauties for
so long.
Gordon: Why? If it ain't broke,
don't fix it
Chico: Again, that's just me. I mean, I've heard
the best and the worst out of Rod's absence and I'm
personally lobbying for Randy to step up for a more
lasting gig, you know?
Gordon: I don't mind seeing different beautiful women
paraded across my screen each day. I like Randy - but I also like Art and I wouldn't
mind seeing them do a tandem. The announcing gig, I think, needs to be
consolidated. As for the women - if they don't have any
personality, I may as well see different ones every day.
Chico: We never get a chance to see that, as
they're constantly going from one group to the other...
and I honestly think that Art and Daniel Rosen both
made me question as to where they're getting these
people.
Gordon: Daniel has the personality of a brick - but I like
Art - and he does a good job in bursting out with 'A
NEW CAR!'
Chico: Yeah, but it takes more than just A NEW
CAR!!! to land this job.
Gordon: He also pronounces the names better than Randy
Chico: As far as game show announcing is
concerned, this is the Holy Grail right there.
Gordon: Well, honestly, right now they are performing the
Monty Python rendition of it
Chico: I'm waiting for the invisible horses,
myself.
Gordon: All of the voices aren't really distinct enough for
me - I need someone clear, distinct - and maybe a little
darker in tone
Chico: Burton Richardson?
Gordon: Look out - KILLER BUNNY! Killer BURTON BUNNY! Burton is too high - I know he'd never do it, but
Chuck Woolery's voice would be great
Chico: He's got work, already. And a nice piece
of ... You can vote for your favorite at CBS.com. 6000th
TPIR is March 1. We've got a break while Gordon kills
bunnies. When we return, the eight simple rules for
scoring at an AI audition, as demonstrated by... the
auditions themselves.
Gordon: Come here little bunnies - want some candy?
Gordon: American Bunny Iron Chef?
Chico: American Bunny Iron Chef. Yeah, that's
a good idea right there. But later. Right now, it's easy to
play on a game show. It's even easier if you follow the
rules. We've got eight of them in "8 Simple Rules". Today,
analyzing the audition trail at American Idol.
Gordon :
Seems to be a good place to stick the BIG
BOARD
Chico: Well met.
Gordon: First thing - YOU MUST KNOW HOW TO
SING . PLEEEEASE PLEEEEASE SING WELL!!!!
Chico: After all, this is a singing competition,
right?
And if you can't sing, don't do
something else... Paul An, I'm talking to you, Mr. 8-Month
Monologue-then-Raps-instead-of-singing.
Gordon: Maybe he was auditioning to be the next guy on
the Geico Commercial.
Chico: "I've got good news. I've saved a lot of
money by switching over to Geico."
Gordon: 'I think youre better to taste the sloppy
chow....' ok - next one.
Chico: But let's just say you do know how to
sing, what do you do with it? Enter 2) Don't just sing the song, tell the story.
Put simply, you know you're in deep when you hear the word, "AFFECTED".
Gordon: Charisma, Charisma, charisma, Matt, Nikki,
Enough said.
Chico: And make it your own. Own it, sell it,
work it. Diana DeGarmo used it, and now she's in the top
12.
Kiira Bivins didn't use it, and she's... in
a trailer park somewhere.
Leading us conveniently into rule 3)
Don't think you're the second coming.
Gordon: There is nothing that turns off an audience more
than overconfidence
Chico: Sure it's entertaining for us, but it's
embarrassing for you should you not make the show.
But look on the bright side. It's
entertaining for us!
Gordon: Just remember that
the audience loves to
comfort the afflicted and make the unafflicted uncomfortable.
Next one?
Chico: 4) Don't question the judges on their
sexuality (or anything else for that matter).
Kira Scott? Yeah, right here.
Would've been a hands-down favorite
had she just kept her fool mouth shut.
Gordon: Even if Simon is or isn't gay - how much of the
gay audience have you now alienated by that comment?
Chico: I'd have to say... a great majority.
But that still remains to be seen. She
did creep into the top 32, didn't she?
Gordon: No she didn't,
but
even if you get to the final 32, you're toast when you get to the audience.
Chico: But let's say you did get to the final 32,
that's when you use rule 5) The best person you can be
is yourself.
Goes back to charisma, charisma,
charisma.
Gordon: Do not be or represent a previous American
Idoler - if you don't live up to the hype, the audience will
notice, and down you go.
Chico: Matt Metzger. Couldn't really sing THAT
well, but he just worked it to the best of his ability, and
MAY come back as a wild card.
Could be a dark horse if he builds up his
game, I say.
Gordon: I don't see him coming back as a wild card - he
just wasn't that good
Chico: We'll see. But if you don't make the
show, what the best way to take the news? Enter 6)
Don't beg. Begging just makes it worse.
Gordon: That does not show a good side of you at all -
and that turns off us, the voting public
Chico: And it completely makes you look
desperate. Idols aren't desperate.
Gordon: Exactly - show me you want it bad by singing
well - not by singing badly and then pleading your way
out of it (ie Michael Keown)
Chico: You keep saying "but but but," and
you're just sounding like an outboard motor. More important than that, 7) Keep it
nice and legal. Two words: Jonathan Rey.
Gordon: Remind everyone what happened with Jonathan
Rey.
Chico: Splashed Simon with a water cup, and
nearly escaped an assault charge.
What can you say to that?
Gordon: I thought Simon was wearing Docker
splatterproof pants?
Chico: He probably was, but he's still wearing
the same $20 JCPenney white shirt, so you be the judge there. Needless to say, the worst ending you
can think of is being escorted by security off of the
premises.
Gordon: Well, it happened for Edgar - and he's a
STAR...sort of.
Chico: Yeah, we're lucky we didn't have to hear
him this year. Actually, we still had to see him, but we
didn't hear him.
Leading us to the big rule of all... 8)
When in doubt, schmooze. Again with the charisma.
You're singing. You're singing well. You need to do
something that makes you stand out.
You start making sweet camera lovin'.
Gordon:
Schmoozing with the camera helped Clay - it
really hurt Vanessa Olivarez, who alienated herself.
Chico: And it really hurt Erskine Walcott on the
Group 1 show. He was a good singer... He just couldn't
make the camera lovin'.
Gordon :
Yep - that separates a lot of final 32 people from
the Final 12.
Chico: Then it's an outschmooze fest and all
bets are off...
Yep. Follow these rules and you too may
be on the right foot to placing second, then selling an
abysmal 400,000 CDs and being dropped by your label.
Gordon :
But it's 400,000 cd's more than what I've
released singing Carmina Burana. If I make a bad movie and only sell 400,000 CDs,
I still have enough to retire if I'm smart about it.
Chico: Good point there. Anyway, after the
break, we've got the Trios, the big finish, and more Carmina
Burana. Gordon, play us out.
Gordon: Oh Fortunaaaaaaa.....
Chico: It's designed to make RICH people in the
black go in the red. That's why you have to be invited first.
We are back,
and
it's time for
the game seg. What are we playing
today?
Gordon: We bring back the return of TRIOS. Chico -
remind us how we play this.
Chico: I basically give out three items and one
question.
Gordon: like, for example, the first question -
Chico: which is?
Gordon: Celeb Spelling Bee, The Littlest Groom, or Man
Vs Beast - which one of these One Shots will have the
best shot to come back as a series?
Chico: Well, if you're talking about feasibility, I
say Man vs Beast, simply because it already came
back. If you're talking about logistics, I'd say Celeb
Spelling Bee, because there're a lot of celebs out there
hurting for more work (see "Celeb __________"). I don't see
Groom coming back at all, so I'm going with Spelling Bee.
Gordon: I agree with that - if they can spell out ratings, it
could be a hit - but do you see any of these shows
coming as a regular series? I mean MVB has specials -
but as a regular series, it could work too.
Chico: If they find enough beasts. I mean, you
could find a million freaks of nature for one or two
beasts. Wait, you only need one or two beasts,
don't you?
And if not, there's always the man vs
dog staredown.
Gordon: PLACE
BET NOW!
Chico: I miss Banzai. Anywho, next question:
"Cousin Danielle", "Mrs. Meek", or Adam
Mesh. Question: Who is a more convincing woman?
Gordon: OH that is cold
Chico: Thank you, thank you...
Gordon: Adam is more convincing then Melana Scantlin?
Chico: As an ordinary guy, but not as a token
woman.
So that's out.
Gordon: I'll take the high road and say
Cousin Danielle.
Chico: But they're both put to shame by the
easily-pissed off Mrs. Meek...
Not even my own mother is that scary.
Gordon: I'll give you that one.
Chico: She's a very scary woman! And she's not even real! She's a very scary fake woman!
Gordon: OK - next up - The Apprentice's recent
apartments in the last challenge, The house in House of
Dreams, or the show My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance -
which one is the most fixed?
Chico: Fiance... Definitely. So many fixes, it's
not even funny anymore... Or at least it won't be. It's
still kinda funny to watch now.
Gordon: Its funny - but you
can't help but think that
everyone is now in it - including the supposedly oblivious
family.
Chico: All I know is... I can't wait to see how it
ends.
Gordon: It's getting the ratings - do you think that FOX
can get a successful sequel?
Chico: If they know what's good for them... No.
They won't even try.
Gordon: lol.
Chico: But this being Fox... I dunno.
Gordon: They'll do it - and it will tank, just like
Joe Millionaire 2 - European Boogaloo.
Chico: Okay. Celebrity Lookalikes,
Ex-Husbands vs. Ex-Wives, or the Stars on Ice. Question:
Lamest Family Feud idea... ever!
Gordon: I like the exes with the twist in there, and I think
the stars on Ice isn't that bad. The celebrity look-a-like
idea seems like they tore it right from Hollywood Squares - so
I'll go with that one.
Chico: You think so.... That's exactly right.
Gordon: Goodie - what do I win?
Chico: Plus, the Stars on Ice gave us a first...
the first six-man Feud ever.
Gordon :
Yep - and it wasn't that bad. Now if they can only
get rid of the one question sudden death tiebreaker...
Chico: As for the prize, you get to read.. the
next question!
Gordon: Excellent - 'Pulling a Tammy', 'Hatchiavellian' or
'Camilleified'. I heard all three of these phrases mentioned
at the Millionaire tapings last night. Which one of these
phrases has the best shot of being used in common
everyday game show language?
Chico: Oh man. Tough choice. I mean, they all
have named. I'd say "Pull the Tammy." Simply because
it rolls better. I don't even know what they mean.
Gordon: 'Pulling A Tammy', which actually came out of
my mouth, means to say something completely
inappropriate during a conversation - a conversation
killer. 'Hatchivaellian' is playing a game where the ends
justify the means, regardless of what action it currently
has - a la Richard Hatch in Survivor. 'Camiliefied' means
someone has diva-like aspects, like Camille in Next Top
Model.
Chico: Well, in that case, Hatchiavellian.
Makes more sense.
Gordon: I like it - but like you
said, Pulling a Tammy, or
calling someone Tammy, rolls off the mouth better.
But I liked all 3 phrases.
Chico: Unless you're calling a really big guy
Tammy. Then you get your ass kicked.
Okay, final question: David Daskal,
Jenna Morasca, or William Hung. It's a match up: Most
honorable loser, most valuable loser, or loser who won.
Go.
Gordon: Tough tough tough - Hung, who has this
newfound fame, has to be the loser who won. Most
honorable is Jenna. I think that valuable also has to go to
Hung, who has given Idol even more of a buzz with him
even being considered to go into the Wild Card round -
and I think they better not do that, because he could very
well in the round. Daskal, like his stint in AJ2, gets shut
out. Your opinion?
Chico:
Honorable, obviously, goes to Jenna. Loser who won goes to Hung, because he
scored a $25,000 contract and voice lessons out of the deal... Most valuable...
I'm going to go off the board and say George Wendt.. because how can you not like George
Wendt?
Gordon: Going off the board??? FIX!
Chico: You're just mad because I thought of it
first :-)
Gordon: Grrrrrrrr.
Chico: Fine, fine... William Hung.
George Wendt can come, too.
Gordon :
Fine. I'm happy then.
Chico: Okay. Running short on clock, so we go
to the Big Finish. H2 tapes its final episodes this week.
Will you miss it?
Gordon: I'll miss it just solely because we'll be stuck
with...The Insider (shudder). Apprentice - has Omarosa
finally worn out her welcome?
Chico: She wore out her welcome a long time
ago. Next chance she gets, she better make a convincing
argument, or else she'll be given the four-finger point
and the elevator to the taxi. Will we get any standouts in
the next two weeks of Idol-dom?
Gordon:
We better, or we'll be seeing William Hung in the Wild Card Round. Rate from 1
to 10 the new shows that you are looking forward to see (10 being high)?
Forever Eden, Nashvilel Star, Mad Mad House.
Chico: Mad Mad House gets a high mark from
me, because I like seeing people scared to death.
That gets an 8.
Nashville Star is a blatant copy using
my least-liked genre of music, so that gets a 4. I'll stick Forever Eden in the middle with
7, only because Fox, sooner or later, will come to
the realization that it has to end somehow...
You know, once it stops being profitable.
Even Melrose had an ending.
Gordon: General Hospital is still going strong.
Chico: And As the World Turns, but then again,
this isn't CBS or ABC we're talking about.
Now if you were to bring up the
Simpsons, then you'd make a presenting argument.
Speaking of which, looking forward to
both Super Millionaire and Simon on the Simpsons
tonight?
Gordon: My ratings - MMH - 9, NS - 4, FE - 8. I cant
wait to see how they do Super Millionaire - though I can
do without dealing with Simon on Sundays.
Chico: Okay, anything else or are we outta
here?
Gordon: I think we put in a full day's worth of stuff.
Chico:
Sounds good to me. We'll start off fresh next time. For Gordon Pepper, I'm Chico
Alexander and until next time...
Gordon :
Be nice to your honey, or they'll turn into a bunny.
Chico: And that's what we would call... a game
over.
Gordon: Bunny
stew... yum yum yum...
