THE RECAPS
STORMSEEKER.COM RECAPS! Reality editor Gordon Pepper provides
recaps of each show.
March 5, 2003 March 12, 2003 March 19, 2003 August 6, 2003 August 13, 2003 August 20, 2003 August 20, 2003 September 3, 2003 September 17, 2003
Palm Beach, Florida. Playground to the rich and famous. Nothing can ruin this upscale utopia, right?
"They've got a bidet!"
Here comes "The Family." And there goes the neighborhood. From Staten Island, Jersey, and Brooklyn, they've come, a run-of-the-mill extended family plucked from everyday lives to live out a four-week game in which one of them will become a millionaire. Almost makes you pine for the days of Regis, doesn't... hold on, I'm getting a note here. Oh yeah, Millionaire's still on syndication. Anyway...
The Family's every move will be watched by the secret Board of Trustees. Who are they? I don't know, but if they're anything like the Boards of Trustees I ran into, they'll be out to put the screws over big time. Well... actually, we DO know who the Board is: the help. The thing is, THE FAMILY don't know that.
Sounds like a cult comedy. Where's John Cleese? We'll see him later... albeit in the guise of George Hamilton.
First up: financial planner Uncle Michael (the leader), schoolbus driver Aunt Donna (the outspoken one), and dance instructor Anthony (the playboy). These three do not know who else will arrive.
Then comes sales coordinator Cousin Jill (the "Gossip Queen"), catering supervisor Ed (the wise-guy), bartender Cousin Robert (the jerk... the reaction proves that), travel agent Cousin Maria (the outsider), teacher Cousin Melinda (the sweetie), warehouse foreman Cousin Mike (the misunderstood one with the bald head and tattoos), and mother Cousin Dawn Marie who takes no crap from nobody.
"This family needs a lot of work," says Ringo. Hmm... well, if therapy doesn't do it, this will.
And here's George to introduce himself and his staff, and to welcome them to their new home. He also tells of the million-dollar stipend that one of them will ultimately win. Basically outlining the rules as we have learned them thus far, and discerning what we already know to be true from other such series, George toasts our family and concludes by saying that "the million-dollar quest has begun."
"To... FAMILY!" George salutes. He should've stuck to Match Game, really...
Next comes the opening equence, which kinda looks like Dynasty, but not really...
As they try to get used to the surrounding and the help, we meet the Board... err, staff.
Andrew Lowery is the butler. Like Alfred, Wadsworth, and Paul Hogan before him, he buttles and is basically the top dawg (woof woof) of the staff.
The catch phrase of social secretary Ringo Allen, who looks -- and acts -- like Rimmer, Chris Barrie's character from "Red Dwarf"), is "We will stop this behavior... NOW." He doesn't really like Rob's arrogance.
Franck Porcher is the chef. To the Family, his cuisine reigns supreme, as long as they ask for it. He just hopes he can understand them, and that they can understand him. According to Aunt Donna, he needs some antipasto, ricotta cheese, and some sauce... Much to Franck's chagrin.
Jill Swid is the stylist. Her work is best appreciated on the red carpet. The men and women she's fitted reads as a who's who of Hollywood. So these guys should be no problem, right? Right?
More of the staff later, now that we're all at dinner. Dawn Marie is apparently waiting for the dishes and forks to sing about being someone's guest or something. Well, ABC is owned by Disney. Anyway, on the menu tonight: snail and frogs legs. Aunt Donna didn't really expect it, nor did she approve. "Aunt Donna is getting on my nerves. I have a bad feeling about her," Franck admits.
Day 2: 7:30a. Cousin Mike thanks Franck for the dinner.
It's Fantasy Contest time, where one family member will win a gift of his or her choosing (sort of) to keep no matter what. The family is basically offered three choices: keep a present and eliminate a family member, steal someone else's present and eliminate that player, or sacrifice themselves and their present.
Cousin Mike keeps his Roman holiday and eliminates Uncle Michael and his new furniture. Anthony keeps his $5000, and ices Dawn and her racing school adventure. Ed steals Jill's Caribbean spa vacation. Rob snatches the home entertainment system from Maria. Melinda steals the Caribbean spa from Ed. Aunt Donna takes the Roman holiday from "the not really family" Mike. Anthony pops a sac fly, throwing away his $5000. Rob sticks with the home entertainment system and bumps off Aunt Donna. Melinda opts to sacrifice herself, allowing Rob to win a new home entertainment system.
"My uncle Michael, I think he's hurt. Does he got something up his sleeve? I'm sure!" Dawn Marie quips.
Back to more of the crew:
Linda Levis is the head housekeeper. She's tough, but she's fair. She's not really liked, but she's respected. And if she saw the girls' room, she's be a little more tough. After a pool-side argument leaves Dawn Marie in tears, she things that she needs to take a course in being mean. Well, you missed American Idol by about an hour and a half, but you could catch the results show.
"Somebody's going to get eliminated every two or three days," Aunt Donna guesses. George summons our Family to the drawing room, where he explains of the Family Pins, which function as the Torches of this series. As long as you have your Pin, you are still eligible for the fortune. If you lose it, then you lose your chance at $1,000,000. Every so often, two people will be presented to the secret Board of Trustees for review, and one of them will lose access to the money (but not the house). Tonight's challenge: bid in $5,000 increments on ten priceless portraits... of YOURSELVES! (ooo-OOOO-oooo) The bids will be taken out of the trust fund, and the players who go for the most money will be up for review. In the end, Cousins Mike and Rob go for the most. Are these portraits really worth $85,000? I really don't think so. Apparently, neither does George, as he turns the bill into trash.
The Board Meeting from Hell: George meets the crew, now donned in the black of a secret organization with something to hide. Tres cool. George hands each member, Andrew, Ringo, Jill, Linda, and Franck with the dossiers of Mike and Robert. Ringo doesn't like Mike tattoos. Andrew doesn't see it as an issue. Franck and Linda point out that Mike was very quiet and kind, and would share the money with his family. Ringo is hung up on Robert's "polish". Geez, where'd they get THIS guy? He must be the fifth guy everyone seems to talk about. You know "Four-out-of-five dentists" and all that? Linda brings up the money issue again. "That money will be gone in a year," she says. Andrew agrees, as Jill thinks that Robert is actually the most supportive of his sister. But the most important aspect of the vote comes from Frank: "The Family sent those two people to us, and now we have to make a choice."
But like Whammy says, "Don't ever press your luck with the Family!"
Jill denies Mike, as does Ringo. Linda likes Mike, though: "He just seems to have a very endearing, bald head on his shoulders."
George comes to deliver the decision. The verdict is...
Cousin Robert: DENIED. Robert removes his crest and puts it back in its case. George reassures him of the obvious: "You are now, and will always be, a member of the family, so instead of leaving, you will continue to live in this estate." But will it stay there? We'll find out soon enough, as one denied participant will get a chance to reenter the game.
So like the Whammy says, "Don't ever press your luck with the family."
Chico's Take - So now we enter the foray of the cheesy reality soap opera. Sure, we had "Big Brother" and "Under One Roof", but everything about this show screams 80's excess. I'm waiting for Joan Collins to pop up as the neighbor for some reason. Say, there's an idea for a reality contest... I better shut up now. But I'll just say, Mike, watch your back, man... If people think you're an outsider, then you're an outsider.
One day after Robert was locked out of the fortune, the rest of the family is crashing. They crash a bit too hard, as the Bo... err, the staff wakes them up tryingly.
Robert, who wakes up with a spring in his step down the stairs, gauges his place in the house: "I'm a selfish p(^_^)k and I make no bones about it." Meanwhile, Ed's trying to figure out who the Board of Trustees are.
And speaking of which, here's a member now, Andrew the butler, who says that Mike isn't all about Mike. "He isn't the type of chap who would squander a million dollars." So already we're playing favorites, while the rest of the family hates him. "He is the son of my brother-in-law's brother," Aunt Donna remarks.
Later, Ringo offers an etiquette class in formal dining, not unlike the one that Evan had on "Joe Millionaire." Okay, so they weren't quizzed on the differences between white meat and red meat, but they are quizzed on flatware. (**D shouts "$1600!"**) Ringo put it knowledgably; "one needn't have a million dollars to have million-dollar manners." He was flattered that 80 percent of the Family arrived (Mike and Anthony are absent, no doubt wagering several guesses about the Board). But even he was taken aback by a missing salad fork that Dawn Marie points out. This puts a smile on his face, but can Ringo hold his iron-clad nerve during table manners? Heh, yeah. Right.
Night falls, as Dawn Marie and Maria paint Anthony's toes all pretty like Aunt Donna (they should be, it's HER color).
Daniel Bedingfield: "And the morning soon will come, and the..." Sorry, guys. I lost my train of thought when Anthony started screaming.
Here's the scene. Ringo is about to teach table manners, of which only Uncle Mike and Dawn Marie take part. "The rest of the Family is uninterested about how to eat like human beings." It's as simple as "food goes in here." (points to mouth) Cue Anthony screaming and Ringo laughing as Anthony screams, repetitively, "Who painted my toenails last night?"
Interrupting the lesson to ask Ringo about his nails, he gets forty lashes of Ringo tongue for not saying "Excuse me". Let's try this again. Anthony steps up to the table and says "Excuse me... WHO PAINTED MY TOENAILS LAST NIGHT?!"
And to make a long story short (rest of GSNN staff: "TOO LATE!"), Dawn Marie confesses. Maria walks, all part of strategy.
Next up, a polo match ("Attendance will be mandatory.") with ... donkeys! We HAVE to keep things interesting, folks. George meets them on the fields for the next fantasy contest, where Mike, Anthony, Dawn Marie, Maria, and Melinda in yellow compete against Jill, Uncle Mike, Aunt Donna, Rob and Ed in blue. I know what you're thinking, and yes, they did this on Wild and Crazy Kids a while back. Same rules apply: team with the most points in 20 minutes wins a fantasy dinner on a yacht. "Helmets on, take your places, and let's haul ass!" George greets. Blue team wins, 2-1.
Back at the house, Dawn Marie watches Franck make dinner. Much to Franck's dismay. Dawn Marie thinks that they're eating the donkeys from earlier today. Trust us, girl. It's cow. To the surprise of everyone, she opts for PB&J over hamburgers. Melinda wants to present Dawn Marie's name to the BOT. Meanwhile, the winners are greeted to a Jacuzzi party back at the house. Anthony, no doubt sick and tired of the whole thing, runs to the pool instead to cool off. Andrew is convinced that he is far too immature to handle a cool mill.
Maybe he should've saved that cold dip for the next morning, when we meet Natalie Garcia, a personal trainer who is, in one word... damn. Aunt Donna wastes no time in wishing that Natalie was buried up to her washboard stomach in... well, something. Long story short again, the men, notably Uncle Mike, get attached to her on some level, and Aunt Donna is jealous on all levels.
Speaking of which, it's time to take the game up to another level, as the family don their crests for the elimination contest, a nice friendly game of Family Craps (yeah, right!), in which they bet some of their 30 chips on how well they know each other as a family. Robert, since he is out of the running, is out of the game. They will take turns rolling a die that says either "secret" or "lie", and George will read a statement about the family. The family will then bet as to whether that statement is true or false. The first person to lose all of their chips will be presented to the BOT for review, BUT they will choose another to go to review with them. In the end, it's Melinda with the least amount of chips and the folder en route to the BOT room. Melinda chooses to drag Dawn Marie down with her, citing overall chip totals. Come on. We all know that's utter donkey.
BOT Review: Pretty much a bloodbath, as they have the two biggest complainers of the group. So now the BOT gets to whine. Jill backs Dawn Marie's guff. Franck seconds. Andrew goes Melinda's way, dating back to the first fantasy contest (remember her sacrificial dropoff?), while Ringo acts Ringo-like and describes who WOULDN'T get his vote as a train wreck.
The BOT votes. And George, after a Q&A session with the two condemned, has their verdict in the gallery...
Cousin Melinda: DENIED. Cause of death: well, we honestly can't say.
But the lesson here is given by Dawn Marie upon her inspection of her hamburgers, and it's one that is held dearly by every writer on staff at GSNN-R: "I WATCH TOO MUCH REALITY TV! I'M SORRY!"
So like The Family themselves, I really can't say what the BOT is looking for, nor can I tell the outcome due to the randomness of the challenges, but if I was basing this on family sentiment... or absence thereof... I would like to put Anthony and Dawn Marie in the hot seats next week, as one's a hothead and the other's a whiny brat.
As with everyone else (and by everyone else, I mean Robert), the Family is surprised as all get out about Melinda's dismissal. And by now, everyone who is wary of the BOT's intentions knows that the winner of the million dollars will be decided upon merit. To a point. That, and the Family hates Mike for reasons of being related by law.
Is that cheap or what? I mean, if he should be hated for anything, it's telling Dawn Marie that the others are afraid of her and that she's a threat, right? Right?
Dawn Marie: "Me? I'm no threat to nobody."
Riiiiiiight. Ringo thinks that Dawn Marie, albeit a train wreck in high heels, is a fascinating woman and should go all the way.
Andrew reveals that his answer to the age-old question of "Who's a lock for the money" will change in a moment's instance. Crap. There goes the rest of my recap.
The next morning, Ringo arranges for the men to have a masseuse, to which he replies, almost repeatedly, "Very good, sir." All of them accept with no hesitation. Ringo introduces each man to the masseuse, and Ringo's thoughts were all but vocal. "They're hormones were racing and it's clear what their intentions were." Well, they're vocal now! If it's any indication, Zena the masseuse was, as everyone says, sexy as hell.
File Mike's time with Zena under "things you don't want to say to a normal woman": "My girlfriend used to rub my head." ... Well he's bald, what are you expecting?!
As the guys chill by the pool talking about ... Zena, Franck has a stunner of an announcement: Italian sausage for dinner. Andrew also has another stunner of an announcement: "As from tonight, the eliminated members of the Family will no longer be dining with everyone else." Andrew presents Robert and Melinda with TV dinners that they can cook their own damn selves.
And tonight's menu: Salisbury steak. Andrew makes the obligatory consolatory remark of the evening, saying that the TV dinners were "presented on a silver platter."
That night, Ringo tells everyone of an important meeting with ... alright, let's just cut this Mr. Hamilton jazz, okay? Anyway, Ringo offered several marbles to the Family. The two players with the colored marbles chose up sides. Those two were Aunt Donna and Anthony. Their teams:
Aunt Donna: Uncle Mike, Dawn Marie, Melinda and Rob, in red.
Anthony: Maria, Jill, Mike and Ed, in blue.
It's fantasy contest time again, it appears. But later, Jill, the stylist, gets flak from Dawn Marie for her uniform being too big. "If it was too long, I wouldn't have a problem!" Jill retorts, "There's nothing I can do about it now." In confessional, Jill reveals that in last week's episode, she was the swing that saved Dawn Marie. "Right now, if Dawn Marie was put before the Board of Trustees, I'd have a different vote."
Next morning: 6a. Dawn Marie alters her clothes, while Mike asks Andrew for some helpful advice in the wardrobe department, particularly with "such a wide range of tattoos." Today's fantasy challenge: a reenactment of the America's Cup, with the two teams racing sailboats at a marina. Long story short, Dawn Marie gets too confused, and the blue team pulls ahead to win... a flight in a private jet chasing two "beautiful sunsets." The red team, on the other hand, stays behind to do what George calls, "hard labor." In this case, hard labor is swabbing the decks. Of BOTH boats.
Next day, tennis lessons. Mike's stoked. But it's Anthony and Dawn Marie that are the Venus and Serena of the group. Meaning, of course, they're good at what they do, and they look good doing it. Sort of. "It makes me feel good," Dawn Marie says, "just accomplishing things I thought I'd never do."
Ringo, as always, has a different approach: "Clearly, they could use all the help they can get."
Later, Maria's on the trainer while being given the sked by Ringo. She begins to think that she was meant to live this lifestyle, while Linda the housekeeper thinks that Maria is coming out of her shell. Maria notices that Aunt Donna has a big influence on her nieces (Dawn Marie, Jill, and Melinda), while she is more on Uncle Michael's side. Mike and Rob talk about their strategy to go after Aunt Donna and Uncle Michael, who they think hold the pocket of power in this game.
Tension leading into the elimination game. Dawn Marie is particularly worried because she is an acrophobic who was just given a jumpsuit (GENIUS MOMENT: An acrophobic is one who has a morbid fear of heights. Therefore, Dawn Marie is worried about getting in a plane, climbing a ladder, and smoking the chronic **rimshot**). The bright side, according to Anthony: "If you die, you die *snap* like that, no pain!" With that, the processional meets George at the front lawn.
Interesting trivia, the Family Crests say "Blood or Money".
The remainder of the Family is paired up via matching hors d'oeuvre. Only on this show, folks. Each team is given one tray to hold together. Every 40 seconds they are given a round of drinks, and they have 20 seconds to stack them on their tray. Last team standing selects two people to go in front of the BOT. Anthony and Mike freeze up and out due to touching their glass. A few trays fall in comic fashion, and in the end, Aunt Donna and Uncle Michael, as the winners, choose Mike and Maria to go before the BOT. While George heads off for a drink. Anthony almost immediately scorns Aunt Donna for being her "free pass" so to speak. Maria sees Aunt Donna's moves as "a bit phony."
Ringo, looking like he can be a rich cousin of, oh, Crispin Glover... saw weakness in Aunt Donna's not choosing Anthony.
The BOT meets for a third time, the second of which Mike's portfolio has been in the fold. Ringo thinks that Mike is compassionate. Jill thinks Maria is very sweet, as does Franck. Linda adds, "When she wants to be." Andrew says Mike has a youthful innocence. Ringo thinks that Maria has taken per position very quickly. Andrew thinks that Maria would be astute enough to handle a cool mill. Franck thinks Mike can handle it, too, but needs the right supervision. Jill thinks Mike is a cool guy, and Ringo thinks that Mike is greater than the sum of his parts.
It is... time to vote.
So here we have two very deserving people. But after a second Q&A from George, in which Maria reveals that she is not surprised by the outcome and that Mike thinks that she is an outsider, which one will be forced to relinquish his or her Family Crest? The BOT's verdict:
Maria: DENIED.
"Until the next time, good night."
---
Well, I finally know the secret of the BOT, but the mystery of the challenges remains unseen. We have those based on the ability of the players themselves, and those based on whoever wins that challenge. But if the Family's plan to get Uncle and Aunt together against the BOT works, then expect the Aunt to go.
Hey, remember that show that was on ABC Wednesdays before the war? You know, the one we'd rather forget? Yeah. THAT ONE!
As a refresher: Ten members of an extended NY/NJ family were sent to Palm Beach to live the life of the rich and famous and to compete for a $1,000,000 trust fund. As each player is eliminated one after another, they will continue to live in the house, but will miss out on some of the perks. So far, three of them have been locked out by the show's all-knowing Board of Trustees, who will decide who is the most deserving of the money. But what the Family don't know is that the BoT is actually the staff!
Excited? Yeah, me neither.
We begin right where we left off four and a half months ago, at the end of the third elimination meeting. Donna was shocked that Maria was eliminated. She's willing to fight this. For only a few seconds, when we move on to something more interesting and relevant.
The Family is trying to figure out who the BOT are, according to Linda the housekeeper. Dawn Marie is the most frantic of this particular case. "The checker's missing. The chess piece is missing. The butler's missing." She's on the case (read: trying a bit too hard), but Andrew the butler is laughing his British butt off. She tells of a statue in the living room: "I think that woman is holding the key to the money."
You're right, Dawn Marie. You DO watch too much reality TV. Get help. Please.
Because Maria, Melinda, and Rob were eliminated, they eat in the dining room overlooking the cool dining space outside. They reveal that sometimes being on the outside looking in isn't that bad.
Meanwhile, Andrew teaches the Family about the difference between afternoon tea and high tea. Kind of like the difference between white meat and red meat. Andrew hopes that this knowledge will benefit the winner. Michael comes away with the whole warm Italian family thing. There's a benefit right there.
In case you forgot, Michael and Donna are married with one son, Anthony. Eddie's Michael's nephew. Maria is Eddie's first cousin. Donna is blood aunt to Dawn Marie, Jill, Melinda, and Robert, the last two of whom are siblings. Mike, only related to Jill, is "the son of [Donna's] brother-in-law's brother". Confused? So am I.
There are changes afoot according to Rimmer... err, Ringo the social secretary. Maria has more of an attitude, probably as a result of being eliminated.
The stairs: 7:38.06... 07... 08... 09... am. Ringo reports for his wake-up call. There was a 1:00 mandatory meeting with host George Hamilton. "Plan on being outdoors for the rest of the day." The mandatory meeting this time is used as George's audition tape for TPIR, as it turns out, as it tests out who has an "eye for the finer things in life". Whoever does will have more than an eye, as they are treated to an all-expense-paid shopping spree at Saks Fifth Avenue (squeals from the female contingent in the crowd). And not the one in Triangle Town Center either. Losers... laundry!
The Family is divided into two teams, green and gold. The green team of Michael, Anthony, Dawn Marie, Donna, and Ed are first. All they have to do is match the right item with the right price. The items are a mother-of-pearl diamond watch, an imperial Shih Tzu, a 1988 Panther Kalista roadster, a 1947 Cheval Blanc red wine, and a polo pony from Venezuela. Looks like they have the best chance with the car. The prices are $4290, $11,230, $14,000, $30,000, and $75,000. They match the $4290 with the dog, $11,230 on the wine, $14,000 on the horse, $30,000 on the watch, and $75,000 on the car. The gold team of Jill, Mike, Rob, Maria, and Melinda match $75,000 on the pony, $30,000 on the car, $11,230 on the wine, $14,000 on the watch, and $4290 on the car. The right prices are $75,000 watch, $4290 dog, $14,000 car, $11,230 wine, and $30,000 pony. Tied at two, so we reveal a secret item: a crystal Dolce & Gabbana coat, only two in the world. Gold team goes $13,801. Green goes substantially bigger tag: $750,000. One dollar! Actual retail price: $78,000. Anthony's screwed either way, as he blames momma for it. "I couldn't care less if they were eliminated tomorrow."
What does Andrew have to say? "Anthony is a lot more vocal. He just needs to know when to shut the hell up."
The gold team heads to Saks with a very happy Jill the stylist and her model friends (which all have to be in their respective windows by midnight or else the results could be most embarrassing) and puts all inhibitions on the platinum (why stop now). The green team (of which Donna really wants to win a game or two) stays behind and cleans house. Both teams reunite and then the green team get jealous.
That night, Dawn Marie and Jill are (reality buzz word in three... two... one...) discussing strategy for the next elimination. Dawn Marie brings up the point that she has to (reality buzz word in three... two... one...) break alliances and point out target. Jill (the player) has insecurities that are getting to Jill (the stylist). Robert, on the other hand, is working his outside influence to start up a coup against Michael and Donna.
Today's elimination challenge is a big black stretch Hummer. Guess who's driving. It's George again. The remaining seven think that they're on their way to something, but they're actually stuck for a while. They will be locked in the Hummer until they reach a unanimous decision as to who will be presented to the BoT next. If a decision can't be made, the first two people to leave the car will be presented. Once they reach a decision, they have to raise a white flag. Only one thing to do now... settle in. They reach a deal whereas Michael or Donna will go up with one other person. BUT there's one person who's dissenting. Michael volunteers. But they now want Donna to go as well... Animosity... More animosity... More animosity... Okay, an agreement... Whoever goes before the BOT will not bitch. Now the MAIN agreement. Donna and Jill will go before the board. But just because they can't bitch about who's going before the board doesn't mean they can't bitch about other things as Donna calls Jill a jerk and Jill holds a grudge against it.
The BoT meeting: We finally have the queen bee! Long time come. They trade experiences and chess nuances. Andrew thinks that Donna is a great wife and mother, but Linda thinks she's the bitchy control freak. Ringo thinks that Jill is flying under the radar. Franck's just making fun of Donna's accent. "They sacrifice the pawn to save the queen. But they don't know that we're going to knock the queen down -- period," says Ringo. Now the votes. In the words of Graham Elwood, "I smell a sweep."
Donna and Jill takes their seats. The BoT has decided... Aunt Donna is denied. "I eliminated myself. I did everyone a tremendous favor, and if they don't like it... Too bad. But Anthony and Michael are still in the game, so it could turn out in her favor anyway. Who's next to be eliminated? It may be the king if the BoT gets their way. And what does Susan Lucci have to do with anything? Find out next week.
$750,000... The costliest mistake on reality TV so far (remember, FLOM2 hasn't wrapped yet).
Last time, we had a wannabe detective (Dawn Marie), a spree with Jill S. at Saks, a black stretch Hummer, and a queen bee (Donna) who had her wings plucked.
Last time, we had a wannabe detective (Dawn Marie), a spree with Jill S. at Saks, a black stretch Hummer, and a queen bee (Donna) who had her wings plucked.
After the elimination meeting, Donna reveals that she's ticked off. Rimmer... err, Ringo spells it out for us: "It boiled down to a likeability issue, and I'm afraid she isn't as likeable as Jill." Agreed. Of course, Donna is playing favorites now, wanting Michael to win, wanting Mike to lose, and waiting for Anthony to take her place in the game.
Lots of drama... not just drama, DRAMMA, ensues.
The next morning, and it's kitchen time for Donna, as the players still in the game are still in the dining room. We can already tell that she's not really enjoying it. A fact that Michael taunts. But he can, because they're married and they do this sort of stuff all the time. In fact, they're doing it after breakfast, as they set up what will likely be called "Uncle Michael versus everyone else."
Ringo has a message from Chairman George: The Family is going to be throwing competing dinner parties. You will be judged on presentation, menu, conversation, etiquette, and the all-important grace under fire (wasn't that cancelled, though? That can't be good). Two special guests will judge. The winning team will enjoy a vacation in Atlantis. Okay, the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas.
The two teams are Jill, Donna, Melinda, Robert, and Ed versus Maria, Michael, Mike, Anthony, and Dawn Marie. It boils down to theme, as Maria's team chose Mardi Gras Italian-style. Jill's team chooses Venetian Carnivale, which is essentially the same thing. Which brings up the question, "Has anybody been to Carnivale?"
Crickets.
Meanwhile, the luckiest BoT member (depending on what your definition of luckiest is) is Jill S., who is allowed to get more intimate with each member. One of the perks with having to dress them, I guess.
The Family waits for their dinner guests/judges. And serving as the judges... Shinichiro Kurimoto and Asako Kishi! Nah, just kidding. It's "All My Children's" Erica Kane herself, Susan Lucci, and... some guy who claims to be her husband. Everyone was floored. Especially Donna. Susan asks if she can have a pin. Which brings up another question... why would you want one of those?
One issue they can't control with the dinners: bugs. It's Florida. It's summer. It's brightly lit. You're going to have bugs. The Venetian Carnivale is first with many surprise tests:
1) Michael, Ed's brother (yes, there's another one)
2) Running out of plates.
3) The freak accident with the wine glass.
... all of which Aunt Donna handled masterfully.
Susan and her companion head over to the Mardi Gras party next. Their surprises...
1) Cousin Michael, again.
2) Dawn Marie's big ass mouth.
3) "The bug" in dinner.
Uncle Michael handled it all well. "I think they hit it off," Andrew says. And then Anthony dances with La Lucci. Speaking of which, Susan is jettisoned away to make their decision. They come back and make an overtly dramatic spiel not unlike her Emmy win. Of course, we have to keep the suspense factor to a maximum, so here we go.
Presentation: Mardi Gras
Menu: Venetian Carnivale
Etiquette: Mardi Gras
Grace Under Pressure: Venetian Carnivale
Conversation: Mardi Gras
Even with sex, team 2 pulls it out and will pull out tonight for the Bahamas. Team 1 has to clean house and develop cabin fever.
Now, if you've ever been to the Atlantis in the Bahamas, you know how grandiose and spacious and all out beautiful it is. The Family's experience is heightened by a sea plane and a stretch limo. Dawn Marie swims with manta rays and slides down water chutes.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the losing team is wondering who their piano boy is tonight. Ed guesses Barry Manilow, which wouldn't be all too surprising considering who they had for dinner last night. Unfortunately, it gets Melinda all hot... for nothing. We get an opera singer, and Ed gets the urge to leave.
Everyone's back at the house, now. Yay. Just in time for an elimination round. BUT FIRST! We've got cross-training! Okay, that was quick. Now it's time for elimination round #5: Sink or Swim. With life vests on, the Family boards a lifeboat and rows toward a buoy on the starboard side. They tie up. And the boat begins to sink. Now here's where the elimination part comes in, and where George displays his penchant for cinematic theatre! He really should've stuck to Match Game. Each of the eliminated players must rescue one person. Whoever's left will sink or swim before the BoT.
Of course, Dawn Marie is having a panic attack, it wouldn't be a challenge without that. But this time, she puts her destiny in her own hands and ready to swim back to shore. Eventually, she gets back in the boat and we plead for a case here. First line: "Dawn's going to (^_^) her pants." She's still in the game because of Robert. Melinda saves Jill. Maria saves Eddie, and Donna... man, just skip it and save your husband here. So Anthony and Mike will go up against the board. Anthony and Dawn Marie get pissed because of it, mostly because Anthony will get eliminated due to Dawn Marie's crying her butt off.
The BoT meeting: Andrew thought that Anthony knew how to schmooze Susan Lucci well. Ringo thought he was smooth, but at the same time, his respect for his mother is completely lacking. Franck thought that he was fake. Linda thought that Mike was out of his element and knew better than to open his mouth. Jill S. thinks Anthony has tender qualities. This vote, if not a blowout, will be extremely close.
Franck denies Anthony. Ringo appears to also deny Anthony. Other votes are cast in secret. George presents the decision...
Anthony has been denied. And is justifiably pissed. "Right now, there are five people knocked out of the game. Mike knocked out three of them. Everybody better watch the hell out, because I'm not (^_^)ing around."
Kinda makes you glad that he was eliminated tonight, doesn't it. Next week, we have fencing, bribery, and blindfolded driving, as lives are put in complete and total danger for the sake of money! Can you dig it?
Well can you try?
Okay, can you fake it?
We'll see next week.
So we have no Susan Lucci this time, but we may yet see some sparks, especially around Anthony, who, after the last elimination saw him picked off by Michael, swore that the kid gloves were off.
The next day, and Anthony is still bummed to be out of the game. "Not to be standing in this point of the game is a hard pill to swallow," says Uncle Mike. Anthony tries to dress it up as a life-or-death situation. Namely, Aunt Donna's life, Anthony's death. She isn't buying it, though. "Anthony gets made at me over a lot of things, so it doesn't bother me." You think the Board is looking for something different... Well, Ringo is ("Frankly, the Trust was fortunate to have Anthony in front of us.").
Now cue the farting montage!
Basically put, Anthony's fronting, hormonal, out of control, and gassy. Mike-O isn't. "They're gonna keep on trying to get me out. I'm not about ready to give that kid up," Mike proclaims. Mike also notes that Uncle Mike and Ed are the only ones who haven't been to the Board and, as such, have a game-winning strategy. Betcha one of them leaves tonight.
That evening, at 7p, we've got a special guest that Ringo invited to "teach the nuances of the sport of kings." Basketball? Hockey? "I'm here to teach you fencing tonight."
Well, it's LIKE hockey.
The Family get dressed in outfits that made them look "like a combination of the Marshmallow Man, the Michelin Man, and Crash Test Dummies." Michael is a kid in the candy store, having grown up watching Zorro. The experience was called "exciting," "exhausting", and "enjoyed". The big match, Aunt Donna vs. Mike. Winner: Mike, 5-3.
Next morning, a fantasy challenge. And hey, a convertible is involved, as George makes his grand appearance. "What if I told you that this little car is the prize for today's Fantasy contest?" That's right, the prize is a one-year lease of a 2003 Maserati Spider. If that wasn't good enough, the winner also wins a five-day trip to the mountains of Italy to test-drive it. Teams must navigate a golf-cart maze blindfolded. Team with fastest time wins. The teams are divided such (drivers are CAPITALIZED):
ED and Melinda: 2:38 plus penalties
MARIA and Jill: 7:36
MIKE and Dawn Marie: 5:17
MICHAEL and Robert: disclosed
DONNA and Anthony (who almost kill George, a move that just begs to say... ONE MORE TIME IN SLOW MOTION, PLEASE!): also disclosed. (To which Linda says "He can't give orders, she can't take orders! Put them together, you don't even have one good jerk."
In the end, the penalties caught up to Ed and Melinda, meaning that Michael and Robert win at 2:46. But wait... "Here's the rub." George pulls out two keys. One of them will start the car, not unlike the current H2 setup. Michael chooses both keys. Whose will start? Not Uncle Mike. It's Rob.
That evening, while the five still in the game dine in the lap of luxury, the other five watch Anthony bitch. Or... Melinda. All she could think about what "Shut the (^_^) up" and how small she felt afterwards. For 20 minutes. That's when Robert had to butt in with his own "Shut the (^_^) up! Just shut up, shut up, over."
And once again, Ringo hits the nail on the head. "Profanity has nooo place in our society."
Andrew has to personally deliver himself the news to "Shut the (^_^) up"... well, not in those words. But in the end, Michael and Melinda make up and apologize. So much that this whole thing is a joke (except for Melinda).
Well, we're looking at the rest of the game here, and the members of the BoT have the same impression on each member of the Family. Robert prognosticates that Uncle Mike is walking away with the million. It's all a matter of camps. There's Ed and Uncle Mike, Mike and Jill, and "Dawn is the X factor" according to Robert.
"The Family Crest is the d'entr�e for playing the million dollars. Once that crest is removed, ALMOST all hope is gone," says Ringo. This before the next elimination. Ten grand is divided into five briefcases. They each contain different amounts, but no one knows how much is in each briefcase. The eliminated family members in the drawing room will try and persuade each eligible member to give up their briefcase. The eliminated player with the most money gets to keep the cash AND decides who goes before the BoT tonight.
Michael is first, but he leaves, as Anthony begs and Donna whores herself. He gives it to Anthony. Next up is Ed, who remembers Maria's saving grace last round. Mikey's next, and everyone's trying to convince him that he won't go to the Board next. Dawn Marie gets the more humane treatment... for about five seconds. Finally, Jill gets the suck-up treatment. The final tally is...
Uncle Mike: ANTHONY
Ed: AUNT DONNA
Mike: MARIA
Dawn Marie: ROB
Jill: ROB
So Rob has the most suitcases, but does he have the most money? Anthony has ... ZERO! Aunt Donna takes $2100, over a fifth of the total purse. Maria takes away $2400, so by default, Rob's the winner, having $5500. He takes the money and puts Ed and Jill on the block.
Stylist Jill was, needless to say, angry. "He sent in his best friend." And of course, Jill thought that him saying "Uncle Mike and Ed" over and over again was a sure sign of something. Uncle Mike's trust is deteriorating.
Someone say "trust"? Let's go to the BoT meeting. Franck says that Jill is not really in the game. Ringo says that she's treating this like a vacation, not a competition. Andrew notes Ed's fighting spirit. Linda likes his arrangement qualities. Leading into Ringo's little soliloquy of the night: "Ed has clearly manipulated us and I don't think anyone knows that except for me, inasmuch as he has cornered me into asking how to best address the staff in order to garner both our thanks and our respect." Could this turn from a vote of worthiness to a vote of protection for the BoT?
The BoT's decision: Jill has been denied. So to answer my question, no. "What the hell? What the (^_^) is up?" Jill says. No one knows why, but Uncle Mike is pleased. But one thing is certain: if Jill has her way, Rob will not get back into the game."
We're back next week with ... well, more blood for money.
Driving, driving, and more driving was the theme, as the staff drove the point home that only the most deserving player would win this game by driving Jill away from the fortune, leaving four players in the running: Uncle Mike, Ed, Mike, and Dawn Marie. And, if we're lucky, there won't be that much killing today.
Jill's still smarting from the stab that Rob gave her, causing her to be eliminated. "This just confirms what everyone has said from the get-go: Rob is the jerk."
The next foggy morning, Ringo awakens the crew of the six outcasts... "I don't like that word. Why do you have to use that word?" "Because we're out. And we were casted (sic) out."
Yeah, anyway. So Ringo tries to weigh the situation as Jill does, as he keeps his identity as a Board member secret. Donna explains it to Ringo (yeah, like he doesn't know already). Ringo and Franck are all smiles. "The masseuse, the chap that does the fencing," Andrew notes, "all those red herrings worked pretty well."
And speaking of which (again), we're having a little art class, replete with naked model. Hopes abound for Stylist Jill. Unfortunately, HE... yeah. Said enough already. "Despite all we've done, this family is WAY out of their element," Ringo notes. Hands down, best drawing: Ed. Three lines. That's just SICK.
We're at the pool again, while Jill and Donna discuss getting back in the game. That night, the Mikes discuss the same thing. Mike figures that once he's out, he's out, so he has to stay in the game even if Uncle Mike and Ed are planning something. Anthony wants to see Ed win. Ed sees something amiss and an opportunity, if needed, for Uncle Mike to push him by the wayside.
Of course, this is all assuming that the eliminated players will have a say in who gets back in the game.
Meanwhile, Uncle Mike goes downstairs and does his best Rich Eisen doing his best Marlon Brando.
George is throwing a party tonight, and he thought that he'd tell the Family of it before he went for tennis. But it's more than just a ball. It's the next Fantasy challenge. The Family will be divided into teams of two. They have to identify several well known socialite guests from clues with several key words. Those words are Taboo (SFX: "TABOO!!"); you can't say them. For every match, the team gets a glass slipper (yeah, BIG hint right there). First team to get three glass slippers wins the Fantasy. And this week's Fantasy? Guess. No hints, just guess. Okay, I'll tell you. The winning team visits the most famous glass slipper... at Walt Disney World. Gee, what a surprise. Riiiight.
Your teams are Mike and Aunt Donna, Maria and Melinda, Uncle Mike and Jill, Dawn Marie and Ed, and Anthony and Rob. Rob and Anthony are first out the gate. They're also the first with two. The Hungarian basketball player puts the boys at three and on the way to the Magic Kingdom.
Only on ABC, folks.
BUT, not only do they get the trip, they also get a visit from home with two other family members each. But who? Rob's mother Camille, Rob's girlfriend Maura, Anthony's siblings Christina and Michael (Jr.), and of course, the guy with the ears.
Back at the homestead, Uncle Mike thinks that Aunt Donna could win the game. They walk and talk on the lawn about being the bad guys and strength in unity. Dawn, on the other hand, talks with Ringo about tight-knit family units and getting throttled. Meanwhile, back at Orlando, "Please welcome the grand marshals for today's parade, the Perinelli family from New York, New York." They didn't tell us about that...
Tomorrow's elimination. Tonight's dinner, and, as an exception, Andrew is allowing the entire family to eat together. They're served Iron Chef caliber cuisine. It hits Dawn in the gut, so much to the fact that she excuses herself. "My strategy at this point is to trust nobody and to look out for myself." Dawn Marie is getting frustrated because of the whole three-men-one-woman situation. Of course, it complicates matters when Aunt Donna decides to play her cards. But Dawn Marie remains determined.
Leading us to today's elimination challenge: getting out of a strait-jacket and a sack of money. But first, Dawn and Mike throw the pigskin around... Okay, enough of that. To the challenge. Players will be strapped into straitjackets (much to Dawn Marie's dismay) and stuffed in a bag of money. Their task after freeing themselves is to put 50 gold coins into a piggy bank. Whoever does it first wins the right to send two more names to the BoT. Dawn Marie is first out of the bag (understandably) and to the money. While she makes her deposits, Eddie and Mike are running like heads with their chickens cut off. Okay, NOW she's running. Now it's a dead heat. But it's "Piggy full" for Dawn Marie as she wins. "My moment on the red carpet. *smile*" She wins one for the ladies and sends Ed and Uncle Mike. Good picks, both. My hat... off.
It's time for the meeting, right after a symbolic game of... some Jenga-looking chip thing. Franck is still in awe of Dawn Marie's win earlier. Andrew pegs Uncle Mike for a cocksure type of guy, and Ed for a more compassionate person. Ringo sees Uncle Mike as a used-car salesman for Satan and that Ed was one of his minions. Jill thought that Uncle Mike was a helper. Linda thinks he's a dictator. Ed got to Ringo for quizzing him on his weaknesses. "He figured out how to manipulate each and every one of you, myself included." Not an easy decision tonight by ANY stretch.
Jill denies Uncle Mike. Ringo denies Ed. But personal opinions no longer matter. They must live with the decision as a unit. And their decision is...
"The seventh family member to be denied access to the million-dollar fortune is... Uncle Michael."
Wow. Not that the board picked Ed over Michael, but that Uncle Mike carried it with the grace that he did. Ed's a bit surprised. And with Michael out of the picture, all of a sudden, it's anyone's game to lose. "Crazy (^_^) coming up."
You got that right. Next week, not only will the three remaning players climb to new heights for the money, but the secret comes out at Andrew, Linda, Jill, Franck, and Ringo reveal themselves. Crazy (^_^) indeed. See you then.
Hmm... All I remember was a blur called Dawn Marie getting out of a giant moneybag, hitting money in the piggy bank, and securing herself another place in the run for the money while Uncle Mike gets locked out. Understandably pissed, he joins the other ousted six in the kitchen table. "Oh, mon dieu," Franck says. For those who don't speak French or haven't seen "Clue", that basically means... "My God." Sorry, I've got nothing this week.
Linda was the swing in the last vote, as she thought that Michael would be more of a dictator if he won the money. Once again, Ringo unnecessarily explains the function of the table. And I think we have a body double here. Ringo and... the Church Lady? Judges?
(Match Game *DING!*)
Yes! Back to the same, we're thinking about getting Uncle Mike back into the game. Robert is in awe about Uncle Mike's plan to split the money, a plan in which Uncle Mike reveals as nothing more than head games. Robert isn't buying it one bit. And speaking of lobbying, that's exactly what Ed is suggesting to Uncle Mike outside. See what you miss when you're dining in the lap of luxury?
Robert analyzes his chances to get back in the game as fairly decent albeit with a few burned bridges to work about (read: Jill). Meanwhile, Michael is still down for sharing, but he still won't say how much.
"Beautiful day for an elimination," Dawn Marie quips, as she (once again) hits it right on the money. Yeah, she DOES watch too much reality TV. But today IS another elimination, and another name will be crossed off the list of hopefuls in pencil. I say in pencil, because someone can still get back in this. Anthony doesn't want Cousin Mike to win because of the outsider factor. He's pushing for Ed.
Cousin Mike, Dawn Marie, and Ed, who are causing the Board to draw blanks, are driven to the location of their challenge, three scaffoldings (once again, stolen from the Pyramid set. Can't you people loot from Wheel or something?). The towers are 100 feet tall with planks at 25, 50, and 100. Each player must stand feet to the edge for one minute on the 25 and 50 planks. If all three get to the 100 feet plank, then it becomes a test of stamina. Last one standing sends the other two to review (naturally, Dawn Marie is (^_^)ing bricks). They all conquer 25. They all conquer 50. Now it comes down to who wants it more. Forty-five minutes later, Ed is wobbling all over the place, aaaaaaaaand he's done. But props for coming with it, leaving Mike and Dawn. "Those two maniacs will be up there all day!" Ed says. Dawn Marie hums for a solid 1:45 before shaking. Mike's cramp is killing him. and it kills him, as he goes down, lasting 2:05. Amazing. And props to Dawn Marie for winning where it counts.
Ed and Mike are the next in line for review. For Mike, it's the fourth time. For Ed, it's the third. Once again, the topic of conversation at the board meeting, Dawn Marie's winning run. But to business, Stylist Jill shared an endearing "moment" with Ed, a week after Ringo and Mike had the same "moment" while Ed just happened to be listening. Argument between Ringo, who thinks that Ed has an agenda, and Jill, who doesn't, ensues. Andrew notes Ed's nervous pressure when confronted with the moneybags and the planks. Ringo's looking for the family member who, nerves withstanding, will do the right thing with the family fortune. So as the Board votes, the Family waits.
The Family meets in the drawing room for the next decision. The next family member to be denied access is... Ed. But the news is still coming. "For the past month, the secret Board of Trustees has been watching this family's every move, judging it. When you first arrived, I told you you'd ultimately learn their true identities. Tomorrow, you will finally meet the Board face to face. I suggest you prepare yourselves, because they still have one final decision to make, and it affects all of you. Get a good night's sleep."
Cue Ringo... again. "I have been waiting for this!" The day is here, and it's time for some reactions. And Ringo (he doesn't get that much camera time, you can tell), puts it all in one word... "Finally."
The Family assembles to see George, who will introduce the Family to the Board for the first time. He starts by assembling everyone who has come into contact with the Family during their stay at Palm Beach. Of course, none of the Board is among them, as we have the trainer, the opera singer, the violinist and other... characters. Enter, at long last... the Board. And with all the effort put into their secret, the applause that the family gives is well deserved. Dawn Marie was in awe, while Mike had to hug everyone (except Andrew, since he doesn't like being touched) for keeping him in the game. Of course, Anthony and Donna are pissed. He argues that he has the best character in the house. She argues that they wouldn't know their family from Adam's. But after all, when the hidden eyes are upon you, the truth comes out in how you carry yourselves. They didn't have a clue, and now they're paying for their actions. And they don't like it. Wah wah wah waaaaah. Cry me a bloody river.
But probably the most in circles in her mind is Dawn Marie, who, had she known who the BoT were, wouldn't have been such a pain.
But now we reach the critical point to the game. Tonight, both Mike and Dawn Marie will plead their case to the Board as to why they should get the money. The Board will decide based on that, as well as everything up to that.
Mike is first. He starts by thanking the BoT for keeping him in the game and teaching him the ropes. Mike realizes that he's been so blind to the outside world and what it has to offer. He feels that for being in the game, he already did win in everything that he has come across.
Now we have Dawn Marie. She's still in shock, admitting that it's hard. She makes a case for being herself. "This is just me and I'm sorry if I offended any of you." Her greatest challenge is leaving her kids to play the game. "I feel... guilty." She hasn't done anything for her in a long time, reducing her to tears.
Jill and Melinda want to see Mike win. Michael, Donna, and Anthony want to see Dawn Marie win. Mike reveals that after the first finalist is selected, the Family will then have to decide who to bring back to go against said finalist.
Andrew applauds Dawn Marie's guts and Linda noticed her newfound respect. Mike gets props from Jill and Franck for learning from the experience. Mike made reference to the money; Dawn Marie didn't. Interesting. But Dawn Marie's a big competitor. Andrew notices a front. This choice is a staggering one.
George returns with the final verdict. Their decision will be delivered by themselves. The BoT thanks the Family for all of the great times and wishes them good luck in whatever tomorrow may hold. The vote was a close one, three to two, but in the end... Dawn Marie... is denied. Mike is the automatic finalist. The Board leaves the estate with a job well done and thanks for it. For the rest of the time at the house, it's everyone for themselves. But the Family still has one job left undone.
"Since the beginning, I have told you that one eliminated Family member would be coming back into the game. You , the eliminated family members will be making that decision." The Family members will vote, not for themselves, but for who is most deserving of the second chance for the trust. They will challenge Mike in a final contest for the $1,000,000 trust. And then we kill the show.
And who knows, maybe it'll stay dead this time.
For the last month, the Perinellis, a ten-member northeastern family, has lived in the lap of luxury, their every move watched by a secret Board of Trustees made up of five members: butler Andrew Lowery, housekeeper Linda Levis, chef Franck Porcher, stylist Jill Swid, and secretary Ringo Allen. Last time, after Ed was eliminated in an endurance challenge, their secret identities were outed for the first time, leaving Dawn Marie and Mike thinking of what argument would get them into the finals. After much heated deliberation, the Board turned in a 3-2 decision in Mike's favor, right before turning in their keys. Now it's up to The Family to choose a worthy adversary for Mike to face en route to the million-dollar trust.
I can't make any promises that it'll get better than that from here.
Jill consoles a worried Dawn Marie, who is still smarting from the vote last night. Meanwhile, Mike is mentally spending every penny of the million on his own agenda. Meanwhile still, Aunt Donna is huddling the rest of the family together so they can hear her John Madden impersonation. "I just want to get a feel of what everyone is thinking. And then we cast our own votes, obviously." So they discuss things in the realms of who would be the most macho and the most competitive. Anthony, given the option, would pick himself to get back into the game. Of course, that option isn't an option. Donna, of course, thinks that he's too immature to handle that money. Anthony preaches to the family that in his winning, he would make not only his life better, but the lives of the other nine, which mean more to him than even himself.
In discussing the vote, Anthony's going to Rob. Aunt Donna's trying to sway the vote to Anthony's way. Mike, on the other hand, isn't saying anything because in his eyes, all the Family is thinking about is winning.
The next morning, they think about winning... AND money. George enters the room with the voting scenario. All nine eliminated members will vote for the person that deserves a second chance, one at a time, of course. Remember, you can't vote for yourself. Anthony voted for Aunt Donna. That's the only vote that is disclosed. George enters with the decision. The cards reveal...
Anthony with seven, Robert with one, and Aunt Donna with one. No doubt about it. Anthony regains his pin and earns the right to challenge Mike for the $1,000,000 fortune. Tomorrow night. Because we could easily do it tonight, but where would the fun in that be?
You know, assuming that there is fun to be had.
And as usual, Dawn's acting all pissy. And this after she votes for Anthony... Oh well. But the big question is, at least according to Melinda, "Who voted for Rob, who voted for Rob?" "I DID!" she answers. Michael excuses himself before he could get a clear answer as to why. But Aunt Donna gets a reason, that being that Rob was the best man for the job. Uncle Mike said that he wanted the decision to be unanimous, so as to not have Anthony doubt his entire family.
And what does Anthony have to say about this? "[Mike] thought it was going to be Dawn or Rob sitting next to him. When he found out it was me, he (^_^) his pants." Truth be told, Mike's more scared of Dawn.
Okay, it's time for the breakdown, as we get to the doubleheader for alllllllllllllllllll the cheddar. Here's how it works: round one is a physical and mental race testing Mike and Anthony's recall about the high life and about their family. They will have to identify three of five dishes that Franck has prepared (lest they eat all five of them). They will have to form each Board member's name (with some fake names thrown in). Finally, they will have to determine which statements about their opponents are true or false. First person to the finish line will have an advantage going into the final round.
Mike and Anthony both had stomach bouts; Mike because he had to eat his three to identify them, and Anthony because he had to eat all five for only identifying two. Picture if you will, lamb brains, caviar, tapioca oysters, escargot, and pate de foie gras. Yummy.
Mike is first into the pool of names. But Anthony, thanks to remembering the ladies, is the first one out. He also zooms through the true-false portion. Horridly, but he zooms through it. Unfortunately, Mike zooms quicker, as he seizes the pin for the advantage in the final round. What can we say except... Mike loves monkeys.
And after all of this, yes, there is still one more challenge left! But will it be enough to pull Anthony out of his sluggish little slump? Mike doesn't seem threatened. But, oh, he should be, because this next challenge is a bit of a freak. It's a test of nerve, "the ultimate lie detector". *Anthony mockingly shakes his head about* Yeah, we know what you're going through, man.
Anthony must open all three safes on George's command. Mike will then ask Anthony two questions to determine which of the three safes holds the million dollars. How Anthony answers is critical, because then Mike will have two chances to find the million. Finders keepers. Otherwise, it's Anthony's game. The money is in safe #... whoa, you just didn't think we'd TELL you, did we? Mike's first question: Anthony, what safe is the money in? Anthony points to the third safe. Mike's second question: "You lyin' to me?" Anthony: "No."
Mike goes for the first choice: the third safe. Empty. At this point, he's pretty much screwed. It's a fifty-fifty shot with no hints. He goes for the middle...
Empty. Anthony's your millionaire. "I didn't know whether to laugh, whether to jump, whether to scream, whether to cry." Dude, you just won a million dollars. I'd scream bloody murder. Mike played the game the best, but in the end, it came down to nerve, as everyone saw that Anthony overcame the odds to prove himself. "I can't believe it's finally over. I won." (insert Pepper catch phrase here).
And what's his thought about the money? "Can't I roll in it or something?"
BUT! It isn't over yet. As holder of the million dollar fortune, Anthony still has one important choice to make. "F(^_^)!" Yeah, that's basically what I was thinking. Anthony can keep the fortune for himself or spread the wealth around. He will be sequestered for the night to gather his thoughts. Probably for the best.
Anthony seriously gives this some thought, especially given Mike's kind heart, Donna's ferocity, Dawn's guts, and the real tight knit family as a whole. Insert filler. Anthony knows what he must do. He... must write a letter?
"There's a lot you can learn about your family in 22 years. I came here thinking that I knew just about everything there is to know. But I have learned more in these past 30 days than I have over my entire lifetime. I learned some people are the complete opposite than I thought they were, and that some people have things buried inside that nobody, including myself, didn't even know were there. I also learned a whole new meaning to the word 'family'. Now I'm supposed to tell the world what I want to do with this money, but that was a very easy decision to make. Although the final competition looked to be an individual event, it was more teamwork involved than anything else. Last night, eight people put their hopes, dreams, and beyond all, trust and confidence in my hands. That motivated me to not lose under any circumstances. And it just so happens that these eight people, and even the one I was competing against, are the most important people in the world to me. In my eyes, I don't deserve one penny more than any of you. I hope you all will take $100,000 out of the fortune, and use it to make your lives and the lives of others easier. And for the rest of my life, there will never, NEVER, be another group of people I could call my family."
Okay, you honestly believe that he wrote that, then you better ask somebody. So it gets all touchy-feely about family. George gets choked up, telling the Family that his life is richer for having met them, as he shows his way out of the family estate.
So everyone is richer by $100,000. Which means, of course, six months of my life have been wasted. And what do I have to say about it? Well, for better, for worse, or for naught...
"It's finally (^_^) OVER!"
You said it, Aunt Donna. Peace and blessings to you and your family.
