THE RECAPS
STORMSEEKER.COM RECAPS! Reality editor Chico Alexander provides
recaps of each show.
March 12, 2004 March 19, 2004 March 19, 2004
"Fourteen cowboys came a-riding, each more handsome than the rest;
Said we've come a-wooing Jackie, we'll submit to any test.
Oh they came to Sizzling Saddles, but the thing she didn't know.
Some of these rugged riders like a different rodeo.
If Jackie wants to find a mate, she's gotta figure out who's Playing it Straight!"
That's basically the series synop in theme song form. Before we continue, let's get one thing straight here (pardon the pun). I'm a straight male, but personally, it makes no nevermind to me as to who goes to bed with whom as long as it isn't my girlfriend (heh). I'm also a poor wordsmith, so if I make any potentially offensive remarks here, I apologize. That said...
You can tell a lot from a series when the series itself begins with a flashy discretional card: "The male contestants in this program may be lying or misrepresenting themselves at all times, including in their interviews." Great, so it's fiction! Well, just follow me here.
Jackie is a sweet innocent Midwestern girl (or so the disembodied voice would have us believe) who is about to meet 14 men, who, in a sense of "Fake-a-Date" meets "Boy Meets Boy", hold the Dani Behr, in a blender set to "stun", may or... get this... may NOT be gay. And it's all done within the setting of a spaghetti Western. That's the part I don't get, but I digress.
Wait, I'm not done yet. If Jackie can find a straight guy to win her heart, they will split $1,000,000 (Jackie doesn't know about the money). However, if she falls for one of the queers, then he'll win everything and Jackie walks away penniless. Each of the gay men know the twist, but they don't know who else knows, so they have to play it straight to find out. Finally, a reality game you can play along with at home! Well, "Can You Tell" notwithstanding.
Our host, a one Daphne Brogdon, straight off of the failed US version of the UK comic-quizzer "Never Mind the Buzzcocks", will let everyone know at once, the first real test for our gay men. Oh, and Daphne has no idea either. See, we're all clueless here. Especially Jackie, who was raised on small-town America values. Wee. Sometimes she makes bad judgments and sees herself as gullible. Like all reality TV dames in waiting, she's a hopeless romantic who loves dating and everything that comes with it. And also like all reality TV damsels in waiting, she has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S GETTING INTO.
Back to Sizzling Saddles, where all the men have to live with each other, Gust (a real estate broker) set himself apart as the most vocal opponent of the twist. John (bartender) doesn't know how to react. Louis (a brokerage manager) and Ryan (waiter) have noticed some wandering eyes and some virtual package sizings in the group after the twist is revealed and at room selections. Eddie (teacher) says you can't really tell, as he asks Lee if he's gay. Of course, Lee says no. Otherwise, where's the game? So in retrospect, Eddie's strategy isn't working. At all.
Bill (event promoter), Ryan, Luciano (personal trainer), and Eddie note that room selections were pretty "hectic" and "awkward". Alex and his roommate get the room with the patio. Oh, did we mention that every room is a designer's worst pink/fuchsia/purple nightmare? Eddie's bummed about the color scheme, thinking that "everyone's going to start to think that I'm gay."
I thought that was the point.
We're down to two people and one bed, a double, as Chris (retired entrepreneur) points out. "Now it's just a matter of getting a bed." Lucky winners: Bill and Ryan. Well, one of them, at least. John sums it up as not being able to wake up with your roommate naked besides you. He and Ryan agree that Bill is "on fire. Bill sleeping in the same bed as me would definitely be crossing the line." It's all down to a coin toss... And Ryan gets the bed. Now that THAT's settled... Here comes Jackie.
Jackie meets Daphne, where she tells Jackie of 14 drop-dead gorgeous men. Her words. They go on the grand tour of the ranch while Chris thinks that the whole contest is a whole graying of the spectrum between really effeminate straight men and really macho gays. Examples: Lee bakes. Banks like plants. Gust thought of doing hair as a profession. Louis is a poet. Eddie's a Spanish balladeer. Sharif is a pretty boy model. Bill's just more in touch with his feminine side. Chad knows "some things" about art. Bradley's never been an athlete. Ryan has a lot of toiletries. Luciano doesn't act the part. And we're missing a guy, Alex, the room-with-a-view person.
Jackie waits outside Sizzling Saddles to meet everyone, Bradley first. Jackie thinks that he's absolutely adorable. Ryan, probably straight to Eddie, is a bit cocky. Luciano is the resident hottie in Jackie's eyes. Sharif thinks he's in Jackie's gaydar after Bill, Louis, and Alex meet her. Gust proclaims to be sensitive and wishy-washy, but says he's straight, citing references. Lee's a bit flat, personality-wise. Eddie's horse mistakes "Wow" for "whoa", while John, Chad, and Banks make their presence known.
So after the meeting, Eddie makes it known that he likes her dimples and her non-chicken legs ("I'm Cuban, I like big legs"), while Ryan makes it known that he likes her breasts. And honestly, who wouldn't? When she's on a step and you're like right below... Wow.
Okay, pig-pickin' tonight. And today's special, 14 pigs for one hot-looking Jackie. It's your usual opening affair for the first 24 hours, as Bradley and John make their own advances. John more than usual. And Jackie's sitting at a table with both of them and some of their in-or-out friends. The others, wanting Jackie for their own, take matters... and woman... into their own hands. And Jackie's loving every minute of it.
John's pretty much figured out who's gay and who isn't. "Everybody but is in here," Louis says to John, Luciano, Ryan, and someone else. Meanwhile, everyone else has their own bets. It all comes down to... well, it comes down to no clear cut winner here.
But we do have a hair dryer. Jackie asked if any of the guys had a hair dryer, and before he even thought about it, Bradley gave her his. Mistake? We'll see, because Daphne is about to make the scene again, as Jackie is oozing over ALL of them. Oh, if she only knew. But she will know about the men and the money, in five, four, three, two, NOW.
"What?"
There's that word again. With a twitch. And another mission: at the end of the night, Jackie must ask two of these guys to leave. TONIGHT. Game commences, and Bradley switches to the defensive about the hair dryer. No big, right? Right?
Jackie thinks about the time together and has to reevaluate her position, as she hurt over the lie. Really hurts. "I can't do this. I don't know what I'm going to do, so I'm going to sit here and keep thinking about it."
But she doesn't sit for long, as she heads on swing dates with Bradley, Ryan, and Gust. Jackie's going to watch mannerisms and possible connections. "I find it hard to believe that a gay man could possibly act straight."
Bradley has to go on about the hair dryer. Gust likes cars. Ryan tries to convince Jackie (and maybe himself) that he's not gay. All coming down to elimination night. But what drives Jackie, money or love? Wait a tick, didn't we do this show already?
Anyway, the men head to the barn. Jackie joins, head low in inner angst, next to Daphne, who informs the group that, upon leaving, the eliminated must reveal their true orientation.
Jackie calls down Banks (who shaves) first... He's staying. Eddie (whom Jackie loves the accent) stays, as do Sharif (not an outgoing person), and Bradley (who has the hair dryer from hell at the moment)... after a lengthy analysis and a commercial break.
Gust, on the other hand, has a reserved sitting and speech manner to blame for his departure. But before he goes, Gust reveals... He is STRAIGHT. "Try not to make the wrong decision again."
Chris gets us back on the winning track, as does Bill, Lee, Alex, Chad, Luciano (whom Jackie thinks is absolutely beautiful) and Ryan (who Bill thinks is gay and who thinks that he is a dead man), leaving two: Louis and John. Louis gets the call down. Jackie wonders why he didn't put himself out there. So he's also getting a boot. Too bad for Jackie, because Louis is also STRAIGHT. "If he's straight," Ryan says, "everyone in the house is straight!"
John gets a panic attack and a golden ticket to the next show. And he's not the only one, as most of the guys thought that Gust was gay. Talk about your king of all grey areas. Just goes to show you that you can't really judge a book by its cover.
Not going to stop me from trying, though. Let's see here...
Straight?: Banks, Lee, John, Chad, and Chris.
Gay?: Eddie, maybe Bill. Maybe.
Confused?: Ryan, Luciano, Sharif, Alex, and Louis.
Of course, opinions, calculations, and calibrations to my own gaydar can and will change from time to time, so it's really up to you to believe me. Believe this, though, tensions flare next week.
Last week, we figured out that Jackie's gaydar needed a little calibration, after she discovered the secret AND the fact that her two exiles, Louis and Gust, were straight. That, of course, means that every gay guy who started this bit is still in it, and, consequently, her chances of bagging a guy and half a mill have just been socked by that much.
The next morning, and Daphne starts turning on the winning strategy of expert analysis. Unfortunately, we don't have THAT button, so Jackie's stuck with breakfast in bed a la Ryan. Ryan's prepared... to show his prettiness. And everyone's ready to hurl about it.
But before we get to breakfast, we have to do our chores. That includes milking the feistiest cow this side of Richard Hatch. Of course, it all turns into a virtual member measure (doesn't ANYTHING on this show not turn into a member measure?), except for Ryan, who is still primping and/or preparing breakfast.
And Jackie is bored with both. How I feel her pain. Ryan finally enters with a rose in the back of his belt. Good plan. Would've been better had it actually worked. Yet he says "I'm a smooth guy. I'm a smooth operator, if you will." Mr. Smooth also notices that two pictures are missing off of Jackie's personal gallery, reminding him that yes, this is a game, and no, nothing is guaranteed.
Ryan demonstrates his hidden talent: catching things in his mouth from far distances. His prize: a kiss. Oh. My. God. He missed. So at least he's promised a kiss on the cheek. Jackie misses, getting his lips instead. A couple misses later, and it's makeout city, population, Jackie.
Later that day, the guys head to the rodeo training camp. It's no Cowboy U, but then again, what is? And then again, these guys aren't really cowboys. Again, it's "measure of a man", and according to the group, John, Bill, Chad, Sharif, everyone except Sharif, Banks, Eddie, Chris, and Ryan are all gay. No, that doesn't make any sense to me either.
In any case, the dudes are now trying to make it to the finish line without getting roped in by a) each other, and b) three ranch hands on horses. The guys are divided into two groups. First group: Luciano wins a picnic with Jackie. Group two: John wins. "They both needed some help, anyway," Ryan said.
First picnic with John, and he's playing the "getting to know you" route. And because he's a Georgia peach (that sounds so wrong), he offers up a Georgia peach and these words of wisdom: "Jackie is not as innocent as she seems." Jackie enjoys laughing with him. They also bring up thinking that Luciano is gay. Other than that, it's a push and pull game for our young buck.
That night, there's a barn dance. It's Joe Millionaire (the good one) revisited as there's a bloodbath in the wardrobe department. Ryan calls dib on the blue shirt. Big mistake. Chad grabs it, and we have a tug-o-war match. Bradley managed to grow himself onto a shirt that looked like "mint chocolate chip ice cream had sex with a table cloth." That, and a mirror, and he fits the bill of a stereotypical gay guy.
At the dance, our instructor pairs up the crew into boy-girl. Well, there's a problem, you see... yeah, you see it right. Oh well. Guess you'll have to fake it. Nothing new here, though. They're looking good at it, but as any straight guy will say, "Don't even try to dance. You're a guy, for God's sake." That's when Jackie enters. And that sound you hear is the short attention span of the guys. Everyone thinks that Ryan is trying too hard. Obviously he's gay. Eddie's not really much a blip on the gaydar as he is a threat to win the whole thing. That's when some guys bring in the tequila shots. Using techniques at his work, Bradley manages to get Eddie wicked pissed in 20 minutes while he's still sober and pretty. "I am from CUBAAAA!" Yes, that drunk. Too drunk to notice that Ryan cut one in his face. Eddie begins to play the blame game, replete with enough obscenities to make a nun - or Jackie - blush. So much to the fact that she leaves for bed as soon as Ryan comes onto Eddie.
Luciano spends some relaxation time in the hot tub when Eddie comes on, still pissed (as in both angry and drunk) in his tighty-whiteys, and gets into the hot tub. Ryan pours on the pain even further. Luciano bails before blood boils, and wisely so. Ryan is invited back into the hot tub by an obviously inebriated Eddie, and both are trying to out each other. Eddie's hugging and whispering and... licking? What's this about wine and Milton again? Ryan runs back to the ranch house, screaming "Eddie's gay! Eddie's gay!" while we're just left with a glimpse of Eddie's ass. Just what we wanted to see. Bradley thinks that Ryan did try to elicit that reaction. Exhausted from being a bastard, Ryan sleeps it off, while Banks rags on him to the others. Ryan hears everything and goes to confront him. Confrontation escalates into a war of words. Little did either of them know that Jackie was hearing everything.
Banks decides to be a bigger man and not let it get any further than that. Next morning, Jackie goes to breakfast a little unnerved and a little more tired. "That one movement they make could cause their elimination."
Jackie heads to the swings for some finality. Banks talks about the Eddie/Ryan confront at the barn dance, as he admits to being pushed by Ryan as well. No kiss goodbye. "Hmm... Alrighty." Eddie's side of the story is next. He lets the fart (story) open, as well as the inner anger and the whole "Hi, I'm drunk" story.
John thinks that Alex is going home, as he's too shy (and rightly so, he only had one speaking line this week). Time to eliminate. Right now, all the men, gay and otherwise, are really antsy. John is first down... and he's in. Sharif is also in, as are Chad, Bill, Chris, Lee, Bradley, Banks (unassuming pause alert), and Luciano.
Alex is up, and the music stops. Will he be sent home? He pleads for mercy... but Jackie isn't having it, so he's gone. Jackie made the right call, because Alex is indeed GAY. "Oh. This is for real," Jackie notes. As for the rest of the guys... Blindsided.
That leaves the two bitches, Eddie and Ryan. One is going to the house. The other lives to play another day. Ryan gets the calldown... "You have to let me stay." After thinking long and hard... no she doesn't. He's gone. He lost the fight in the end, but that's not all that's lost, as Jackie shoots down another STRAIGHT person. As he leaves, he begins to think that half of the house is gay. Everyone's stunned, including Jackie, who honestly thought that they could've had something. "You blew it. Done." Yeah, they really could've had something. Well, I've got something for ya, Jackie. Today's rating.
Straight?: Banks, Lee, John, Chad, Bradley, and Chris.
Gay?: Eddie, Bill, and maybe Luciano
Still confused?: Sharif and Alex.
Hope fades into despair as Jackie says the dreaded four words: "I can't do this." Yes you can. You've got at least another five eps. Oh yeah, and one guy willingly leaves the ranch next week. Or so we're told.
Last week, Ryan was being his jerky old self, and the end result of it is that Jackie says "buh-bye" to him and Alex. Good news: Alex was a gay man, and she's that much closer to a million dollars. Bad news: Ryan was straight, and she's that much further away.
We begin with everyone meeting with Daphne (you remember her, right? The host?)... except for Eddie, who had just plain disappeared. We later learn that as a result of his drunken orgy with Ryan, "he's not coming back." A little weird, but all part of the game, as three people of the ten left thought that he was straight. Those three people (wait, four. Jackie raised her hand)... are wrong. Eddie is indeed GAY. Betcha didn't see that one coming. Chad's happy to see him gone, gay or straight. Jackie, on the other hand, is floored, especially playing the stereotype game. Not going to work, so Jackie tries the flirting game. Again, not really a help, as they're all pretty straight to her.
What's a girl in it for the money to do? Overnight. But first, breakfast via Chad, who has complete and utter confidence that she's going to win this thing. "Most important thing to me is the money." Okay, in that case, we can safely assume that Chad likes the men. Jackie's catching up on that vibe as well.
NOW we get to the overnight, a camping trip via four horses for Johnny Baby, Lee, Chris, and Bill, four men that Jackie has serious questions about. The rest of the guys get mules. There's a joke in there somewhere. Banks and Sharif seem to think that they got mules because Jackie likes them the most. Back on the horse trail, John believes that Jackie is taking this a little more serious. And very much so, because she really wants to know. "It's me versus them. Tehre's money involved, and you know what, I'm watching!"
Jackie is still looking at, of all things, how they eat their hot dogs, trying to gauge who's straight. She's sick of being lied to, so she calls out EVERYONE (notice that we haven't even approached the halfway mark here). She tells everyone that it's a game and she's putting everyone on notice that she will figure this out tonight... even if she's not quite sure how.
Rainbow in the sky. Imagery or symbolism? Bill, Bradley, and Chris get a "little more of a romantic dinner" thanks to our friend Whistler. Jackie asks them who they think is gay, trying to create a reaction. The three think that Bradley is straight, while Chris is a bit too flirtatious to be straight. Meanwhile, Jackie is the only one who thinks that Bill is straight. You can tell that Jackie just may be trying too hard. But she doesn't have to try hard on this, as Bradley lets it slip that he's not here to win a million dollars (in those words). "Hello, why'd he say a million dollars and not half a million? A million dollars, that's what a gay guy would win."
Bradley, I think you were just outed. Back in the camp, we get into trimming, as one person admits to shaving his legs. Meanwhile, Sharif is approached by Whistler with a guitar and a mission. Sing. "It was such a buzzkill," says Chris. Sharif takes said guitar and approaches Jackie's camp. He sings a song he wrote. Jackie hopes he's straight, because he makes her nervous with the song. "I would be lying if I said that I was not using the guitar as a strategy," quips our erstwhile singer. That, and a rescue of a Jackie from a bug on the ceiling while sleeping on the floor scores her some major brownie points. They kiss for a short while, and Jackie begins to think that he's a tease. Chemistry + connection = straight... or a hell of an actor.
Morning breaks, and Sharif and Jackie brush their teeth together. But here's the kicker. Sharif doesn't think he'll ever love her, so he's in it for the money. Everyone agrees that if it wasn't for the dulcet tones, then Jackie wouldn't care either way for him. And that he's better off with all of his fingers chopped off. Gruesome.
Back at Sizzling Saddles, the guys prepare for another elimination. Sharif isn't that worried, but Lee is a bit shaky. John thinks that if the guys, gay or straight, have to choose between Jackie or the money, they'd choose the money. Bottom line: targets are locked on John and Lee. And maybe Banks.
Swing dates/interrogations ensue with Lee (who thinks Bill and Chris are possibly gay, and who could be straight) and Bradley (who thinks that he is deceiving her, and who could be misspeaking and/or going home). Elimination time comes pretty quickly. Jackie calls down Sharif first. Obviously, he stays. Also staying are Luciano, John, Banks, and Lee (!).
Chad is next, and everyone thinks that he's straight. So do I. Jackie cites his overconfidence in breakfast and getting the feeling that he's acting. She thinks he's gay... and she's right... to EVERYONE's surprise. Including mine. But he's kinda glad it's over. Chris also heads to the other hay bail, leaving Bill and Bradley. Bill is up... and back in despite being a tough guy to read. Bradley takes this to mean that he's going home. Is he straight? Is he gay? We won't find out today, as due to Eddie's departure earlier, Bradley is given an automatic go into the next round.
Call him lucky, because Jackie would've sent his ass home. Chad could've been turned straight had he met Jackie ten years ago. But for now, he's got a boy at home waiting for him. And I've got this.
Straight?: Banks, Sharif, Lee, and John.
Gay?: Bill, maybe Luciano, Bradley, or Chris.
Okay, so I was wrong about Chad. Just means I have to watch extra closely, as we go Viva Trash Vegas next week.
