THE RECAPS
STORMSEEKER.COM RECAPS! Reality writer Rebecca Golden provides
recaps of each show.
August 26, 2003 September 2, 2003 September 2, 2003 September 2, 2003
Bright lights dance around an ugly futuristic set in shades of electric
blue and more electric blue. If the American Idol set mated with a steel
plant, this is the venue you'd get: a multi-leveled stage with a bridge
floating high above it. Picture lots of girders and faux metal against a
shiny blue backdrop (panels that look like TV screens even though they
definitely aren't).
Out host introduces himself. It's Todd Newton, that guy who hosted Talk
Soup (badly) and Coming Attractions on E! Todd Newton is easily one of
the most caucasian people I've ever seen on television (outside of an
albino I once saw on Oprah, back in the day before she went nuts with
all that angel crap and the book club). Anyway, Vanilla Newton tells us
our wannabes have been working with teams of industry professionals who
will make them up and coach them.
First up is Conchita Leeflang. Originally from Suriname, she came to
California on a "one year modeling contract." If you think J.C. Penny,
not Victoria's Secret, you get the idea. She's attractive in an
industrial strength sort of way. Conchita takes vocal lessons and dance
lessons so she can perform as Tina Turner. Tina Turner is a lot prettier
than Conchita (even now). Conchita is trying to do 60s Tina, to wit,
"Proud Mary." While I'm thoroughly sick of this arrangement and song
(having watched way too much American Idol), I'm at least glad we're not
seeing a 6 year old try to belt it out, or (worse) a white girl from the
suburbs.
Conchita comes out in a gold fringe-y mini dress -- very 60s Tina. The
wig is 100% wrong. It's 80s Tina (blond, spiky shag). When Tina sang
this song, she had long, straight black hair. And Ike. They played a
recording of an Ike-like baritone for Conchita to sing with at the
beginning of the song. They should really have just gotten Ike Tuner. I
think he could be had for $5 or a dime bag of low grade blow, assuming
he's not in prison or dead.
Conchita sounds okay. She's on key, the dance moves are good -- very 60s
Tina, very high energy. But unlike 60s Tina who had Ike to provide
discipline (in a manner of speaking), Conchita is on her own. She lacks
breath control, especially as the song works toward its frenzied
conclusion. She gasps out the last words of each line of lyrics. And
she's not so much in key as the dancing begins to wear on her. Her
phrasing isn't that great, either, and she drops her esses here and
there. She finishes with a whimper: "Rollin'! GASP! Rollin! GASP! Rollin
on the ruh-vah Gassssp!"
Vanilla Newton tells us that the wannabes will be judged by "music
industry heavyweights" (heavy like Randy Jackson? And here I thought
he'd had a gastric bypass). The judges use a two pronged rubric for
rating the performers: one half is vocal ability and talent, the other
is "star quality" and how much they "embody" the celebrity they wannabe.
Each of five judges gives the wannabes a score from one to ten for each
of the two categories. Vanilla reveals that Conchita got an average of
9.1 on the first category, and her star power and mimicry scores will be
revealed at the end of the show. We get teasers for the upcoming
wannabes and then commercials.
After several billion commercials, we're back. Vanilla introduces us to
the judges. First up is Damon Elliot. He produced songs for Pink and
worked on the Austin Powers soundtrack. He looks a bit like a younger
Randy (Hey! They really are heavyweights). Next is the president of Hits
magazine (no, I've never heard of it either). Her name is Karen Glauber.
Vanilla introduces us Jerry Greenberg, a white haired gent who used to
be the president of Atlantic Records. Next is Bridget Barr, who managed
Carole King and the Backstreet Boys. Finally, Vanilla introduces Steven
Ivory, the gayest black man since Ru Paul strapped on a Cross Your Heart
bra (two words: pirate sleeves. Okay, one more word: ascot). Steven's a
music journalist who has written for Vibe and other fine publications.
These folks have nice credentials and (bonus) we'll be spared ever
having to hear them render an opinion of anyone's performance.
Performing As is all about the digits.
Vanilla introduces the next contestant, Buck McCoy, a sound engineer who
wants to be Tim McGraw. No, not so he can bang Faith Hill (the only
logical reason to emulate the Timster). He thinks Tim is a great
artist. Buck promises to give it his all and not "leave anything behind
in the dressing room." While the cowboy hat he's wearing is certainly
large enough for him to hide any number of stolen goodies from the green
room, I don't think that's what he meant. He sings. I sleep. I wake from
a naughty (and un Christian) dream about John Arthur Martinez and Buck
is still singing "Your Love." He's almost as bland as the real Tim
McGraw and he has an 8.56 from the judges to show for it. Next up is are
FauXtina and NotCeline, but first, commercials.
Vanilla welcomes us back and introduces Pamela Newlands, a woman from
Scotland who feels extra close to Celine because her American husband is
employed by the visual effects company that worked on Titanic. She's
"blown away" by Celine's passion and gets all teary, thinking about her
dead grandfather and how "My Heart Will Go On" reminds her of him.
Pam is a lot prettier than Celine, a lot younger and isn't skeletal.
Cheap CGI mist gives way to a faux ship prow. Pam has the Celine hair
and the white dress. Her expressions are just as overwrought and cheesy.
Sadly, Pam, though a decent singer, doesn't have Celine's range or her
power. She also lacks Celine's facility with the headset mike, and she
starts the song with some sibilant huffs directly into it.
"My Heart Will Go On" annoys me when Celine sings it, simply because I
still listened to commercial radio when it was popular and they played
it 900 billion times (give or take a billion). Even after hearing
Celine's version for the 899 billionth time, I could still appreciate
her talent. When someone with a limited range and a slightly hesitant
style sings the song, it's pretty horrible. Pam's grandfather was
supposed to be watching from heaven, but I'm thinking he probably
switched to English League soccer about halfway through. Pam gets an
8.01 from the judges and we get even more commercials.
Vanilla tells us that tonight's winner gets $20 thousand, and will come
back to compete for $200 thousand. No record contract (presumably
because impersonators are mostly a live Vegas phenomenon). Vanilla
introduces FauXtina. She's blond, foxy, and she tells us she "ran away"
to California at 18 to pursue her dreams. Sweetie? When you leave home
at 18, it's called "moving out." Unless you're in a cult or something.
Her real name is Keela Collins. She looks like the lab created bastard
child of Carmen Rasmussen and Kimberly Caldwell.
She wears leather chaps and undies with the word "dirty" printed on the
ass in rhinestones. She sings the song of the same name. The real Xtina
has quite the range and has sung some difficult songs that show it off.
"Dirty" isn't one of them. Keela sounds slightly like Xtina. Her dancing
is okay. Nothing to write home about. She tells Vanilla, well, nothing,
because she's breathing too hard to speak. FauXtina gets a 7.94. These
scores are only being revealed to the home audience, by the way, which
explains why FauXtina still looks so happy. And then commercials.
Vanilla tells us that our last singer is Lawrence Faljean and Lawrence
will be performing as Freddie Mercury. Lawrence is a cute redhead who
teaches autistic children. They show him with the kids, singing to them
and pretty much embodying everything suburban white chicks like me were
conditioned to want in a man. And he doesn't even seem gay, despite the
teaching and the Queen love and his use of phrases like "open my throat
and warm up my instrument."
Lawrence claims his magic singing unlocked an autistic kid's voice.
Mkay. We're going to ignore that one. Vanilla interviews Lawrence on a
structure I'll call the Bridge of Destiny. He's been conducting (very
forgettable) interviews up there all night. The wannabes stand there in
street clothes and talk about how much they love to sing/their idol,
etc. Then the producers cut immediately to performances, some of which
involve huge amounts of make up and intricate costuming. So this show is
heavily edited (and not live, of course). But it moves a faster clip
than AI, and there's much less annoying blather (aka, no Seacrest or
Abdul), so I'm letting it slide.
Lawrence comes out in warmups, very Freddie. His red hair has been dyed
a fairly scary shade of black. He has a fauxstache glued over his upper
lip. He's got a nice upper body, but his gut is noticeable, not at all
the washboard Freddie had. He tears into "We Will Rock You" and does an
amazing job. He has terrific range, a lot of charisma, and he sounds
exactly like Freddie Mercury. He finishes with part of "We Are the
Champions," and gets a huge response from the audience.
Of all the performers, he's the best by miles, and Vanilla gets carried
away, reminding us that that's really Lawrence's voice. Well duh,
Vanilla. This whole real voice thing is fast becoming Vanilla's hobby
horse. It's a bit like Dani Behr reminding the audience that some of the
gay dudes on Boy Meets Boy are straight. After the nine hundredth
repetition, we all know. Lawrence scores a 9.1. Vanilla promises the
star quality votes as soon as we watch yet another bunch of commercials.
Before the commercials, we get a montage style preview for next week. We
have FauxJovi, PseudoBrittany, and a teenager pretending to be Elton
John (funny, since it's usually the other way around).
We return to find all five wannabes lined up on stage. Before we can
find out who the winner is, Vanilla treats us to a clip show of their
performances. Conchita's features some of her worst singing -- she's
totally out of breath. Then McSnoooooze, My heart will go oooooonnnnnn,
Dirty!! and We are the champions.
Vanilla says they've done some tabulating and he has the results. 5th
place with an 8.00 average score goes to FauXtina. 4th place, with a
score of 8.05 goes to Pam/Celine. 3rd place with a score of 8.61goes to
Snoooze McGraw. BadTina and GoodFreddie stand next to one another.
BadTina towers over Lawrence. And the winner of $20 thousand
is...is....wait another beat...BadTina! Who sucked. A whole big bunch.
Vanilla throws it to her to sing us out.
BadTina's singing again, and she still sucks. And the wig? Real Tina
would probably disembowel a stylist who brought her something that
nasty. It looks like shaggy roadkill. She sings and the show
(mercifully) ends. Poor, sweet, badly dyed Lawrence. But he'll probably
get scores o' chicks (possibly even chicks o' Scores) from this
exposure, so there's still a little bit of justice in the world.
Tonight on Performing As...Five people will sing terrible karaoke out of
misguided love for a wide variety of pop stars. Or voice over'd words to
that effect. Vanilla Newton stands on the deep blue stage and invites us
to get to know Ferras, a teenager who will soon be taking regular
beating at school because he A) will perform as Elton John and B) just
admitted enjoying a good snuggle wrapped in a blanket with his mom. Who
looks like she's clinging to forty with grim determination (and a bottle
blond do Tammy Faye would find embarrassing).
Ferras is young and sweet and his name is Arabic for "freedom." He and
Vanilla gab atop the Bridge o' Destiny about how neat it would be if
Elton John were watching. I think Elton has better things (and people)
to do, but the kid is sweet in his sincerity.
He wears a feather boa (make that letter C on the beatings list) and a
striped suit and sings "Tiny Dancer" while he plays the piano. He has a
good voice, powerful and with a unique character. He sounds great. Not
really like Sir Elton, but very good. His playing is good. They gave him
a flipper, so he has the gap toothed smile. I admire him for being able
to sing so well with a (no doubt cheap and crappy) dental appliance.
I've seen Real Elton live, and this kid doesn't have the charisma
(pretty much no one does. Elton John live is -- pardon my language --
fucking amazing).
Ferras scores an 8.76 for vocal ability and Vanilla VOs that the score
is for the home audience only. We get previews to the Waitress Who Would
be Britney, and then commercials.
We're back. Vanilla is introducing the judges again. Feel free to read
last's week's recap re: introducing the judges. Steven Ivory is wearing
another ascot (claret colored). And large, open cuffs over a dark suit.
Steven is still out and proud, apparently, though nothing's going to top
the pirate sleeves from episode one. Well, nothing short of full on drag.
Vanilla introduces Kyah Combs who'll be performing as Britney. Last week
we had Keelah (or something similarly stupid). This week Kyah. Why can't
back country hicks stick to the Bible or a good mainline soap opera when
they're naming little girls? Lest I sound classist, I'm not thrilled
with the teeming tide of Taylors, Tylers and Madisons my own middle
class suburban sisters are spawning. Stop it with the dead presidential
baby names, dammit! Maybe if they were naming their daughters "Taft" and
"Hoover" I could get behind it.
Oh yes, show. Kyah's all chained up and singing "Oops I did it Again,"
my least favorite Britney song. I much prefer "Hit me Baby (One more
Time)" and I do a kick ass version of "Not a Girl/Not Yet a Woman" when
I'm drunk. Kyah kyant sing. She sounds horrible, very breathy and sort
of tone deaf. Her dancing sucks, too. She has hands like Honey Baked's
finest. And, thankfully, she's done.
Vanilla quietly mentions that that's Kyah's real voice. Well, duh. Who
would lipsynch to something so bad. Kyah gets an 8.70. And commercials.
Vanilla welcomes us back to Performing As and asks if we're in the mood
to rock. I'm in the rude to mock, which is close enough, methinks. A
greasy, dreadlocked guy who once worked on a Bon Jovi video as a PA will
be interpreting Jon Bon Jovi for us. He's livin' large with a Harley and
a pool and an iguana. GreaseMonkey interviews that he was worried about
the costume not fitting or about the wig being wrong or crushing his
dreds or something. He squicks me out. I think he should cut his hair
and get a job.
Vanilla and GreaseMonkey stand atop the Bridge o'Destiny. GreaseMonkey
says he's from Jersey, just like Bon Jovi. We all silently ask "Which
exit?" but none of us really gives a rat's ass.
GreaseMonkey takes the stage singing "You Give Love a Bad Name." Lots of
trashy women back him up, their dance routine a mix of pelvic thrusts
and wildly tossed hair. His wig looks like something my cat puked up the
other day. He gives the song a bad name. He sounds okay, but this song
isn't exactly a vocal challenge. Mostly he runs around the stage, climbs
the Bridge o' Destiny and works the crowd.
His vocal ability score, for the home audience only, is an 8.64. Vanilla
reminds us that we'll see GreaseMonkey's star power scores at the end of
the show. Then previews of later in the show, and commercials.
Anyone else freaked out by the Nestea Cool commercial with the snowman
skeleton? I knew it wasn't just me.
Vanilla welcomes us back and gives the blah blah blah 20 grandcakes.
Next up is Jasmine Chadwick, who'll perform as Cyndi Lauper. She looks
like an older Julie Benz (aka TV's Darla from Angel) with darker hair.
She says Cyndi is "full of joy" and reminds her of her sister. The voice
coach thinks it's going to be a tough row to hoe. I agree. Weird hair,
gross ex boyfriends and all, Cyndi Lauper has an amazing voice and
really fabulous range.
Atop the Bridge o' Destiny, Jasmine and Vanilla talk about how great
Cyndi Lauper is.
Jasmine takes the stage in the worst. wig. ever. Cyndi had some colorful
dye jobs back in the day, but this hair is ridiculous. The red part is
too clowny, the blond part is too shiny -- it's just a great, big, fugly
disaster. I wonder where they found the stylist for this show? I'm
thinking there's a drag show in Biloxi, Mississippi that just lost its
hair dresser.
A-hem. Jasmine has a high, annoying soprano. She talks through parts of
"True Colors," and it's not charming. She's also gratingly off key in
the high notes. I admire her taste, and she seems like a nice enough
person, but (to quote Television Wihtout Pity's Shack, my own American
idol) "Girl can't sing."
Jasmine gets an 8.23 and Vanilla does his bit about the judging and the
money, and more commercials.
Vanilla welcomes us back and asks if we can handle another "amazing
performer." Another? Oy. Speaking of oy, next up is faux Barbra
Streisand. She's a suburban house frau with two kids and a husband who
will probably beat her to death with a table leg if he has to listen to
her sing "Papa Can You Hear Me" one more time.
She has a Barbra-esque schnozz, and her name is Sharon. Sharon tells us
she'll be singing her Barbra song directly to her dead dead who's
watching in heaven. With NotCeline's dead grandpa from last week.
Personally, I think both of these good dead gents just listen for a few
seconds and then switch it over to football, but I could be wrong.
My sister and I watched this together and were stumped about what our
dead dad would want to hear if he were listening to us sing from heaven.
We ended up having a fairly depressing conversation about terminal
illness and pie, but later decided he'd probably like something by the
Capital Steps (who he once took us to see) bashing the president for the
poorly housebroken moron that he is. Dad didn't live to see the
ascendency of Dubya, but as a yellow dog Democrat, Dad probably would've
hated the guy with the white hot fury of a million suns. My dad hated
Bob Dole, and Dad was a World War II vet, if that gives you any idea.
Oh yeah, show. ICan'tBelieveIt'sNotBarbra wasn't really like buttah. She
sings "The Way We Were." She has a great voice and great range and
sounds a lot like Barbra. She's also singing the song at a slightly
slower pace than the background music. This drives me crazy. As does
ICBINB's wig. She's dressed as 70s Barbra, she's singing 70s Barbara,
and she's got 1968 TV Special Barbra's hair. 70s Barbara had a big,
scary perm. The drag show in Biloxi probably fired that stylist.
They also show a photo montage of ICBINB's dead dad while she sings.
Sheesh. Her makeup is overdone and her gestures are a little too on the
nose (horrible pun totally intended). In short, she sings very well, but
looks more like a really good drag queen Barbra than like La Streisand
herself. Oy. The judges care nothing about these things. They give
ICBINB a 9.74, the highest Performing As score to date.
Commercials.
Vanilla welcomes us back and explains the two part rubric. Blah blah
blah 200grandcakes. Next week, someone imitates Madonna. Outstanding.
And then commercials.
Who'll join BadTina on the "road to the finals?" Well we'll know in a
minute, so settle down already. Vanilla gives us a montage of all the
performers (see above for detailed descriptions. The ones who sucked
still suck. The ones own didn't still don't).
Now, eliminations. In 5th place, with a score of 8.26: Jasmine/NotCyndi.
In 4th place, with an 8.61, Kyah (seeyah latah, NotBritney). In third
place, with an 8.66 we have GreaseMonkey. Ferras and ICBINB stand side
by side. one of them had an 8.75, the other had a 9.75. And I can't
believe it's ICan'tBelieveIt'sNotBarbra. Ferras leaves. ICBINB sings us
out, and that's it for this week.
Tonight on Performing As, five people will wear some of the ugliest
wigs ever produced by child labor in Thailand, some of the cheesiest
costumes ever assembled by the disgraced former stylist of Billoxi's
third best drag revue...oh, and they'll sing bad-to-mediocre versions of
songs by famous artists. Tonight we'll get Madonna, Garth Brooks, Toni
Braxton, Annie Lennox and Meatloaf.
Todd "Vanilla" Newton stands high atop the Bridge o' Destiny. He
reminds us that all the aspirants will be "singing in their own voices"
and that there's no lip synching on Performing As. Oh, and some of the
performers are straight.
Vanilla sends us to the video bio of our first hopeful, Jessica
Keenan, who will perform as Madonna. Jessica identifies with Madonna
because Madonna "was a small town girl from the midwest" just like
Jessica who is from Iowa. Um, no. Madonna is from Detroit. Some might
call the Detroit-area neighborhood Madonna grew up in a suburb, but it's
really just Detroit with a different zip code. Jessica lost her
confidence for some stupid reason (Oh -- she was performing at a
baseball game and forgot the national anthem half way through -- what a
dumbass).
The voice coach says "Jessica isn't Madonna" and he seems to doubt
her Madonna potential. Jessica is awed by the choreographer, saying
nobody gets to work with her. Yup. She choreographs in secret and no
actual dancers are permitted within 1000 feet of her. Jessica has
Madonna's pretentious thing down. All she needs now is a fake British
accent an about half a billion dollars and she'll be a dead ringer.
Vanilla introduces Jessica and she tears into "Holiday." She's
wearing fugly clam diggers with enormous flares, a crop top and a
blonde, curly wig that looks like a reject from the Dolly Parton
collection. Her clothes are late 80s Madonna, but the song is early 80s.
Jessica sounds like a slightly breathy Madonna. Not Madonna after the
Evita voice lessons, either. She dances pretty well, and hits all her
marks, but she lacks the confidence and authority Madonna projects
onstage.
Vanilla gives us Not'donna's performance score (8.95), explains the
two part rubric and that the total score will be revealed at the end of
the show, We get previews of stuff we'll be seeing in about five
minutes, and then commercials. What's up with previewing all the stuff
we'll be seeing after commercials? With all the time they waste on that
they could get a sixth performer in. Not that that's necessarily a good
thing, but it'd make Fox look a little less cheap.
We're back. Joe Lieberman is talking about the war in Iraq. Oh,
wait a minute. My sister was flipping channels while she was taping this
for me, and we've got a little Democratic debate action mixed in with
the fluff. For a moment there, I thought we might get an Iowa farm girl
Performing As Condoleeza Rice, but luckily, it's an actual news program.
I fast forward, and we're really back. Time to introduce the
judges. Again. See the recap from episode one for a full introduction of
the judges. This week Steven Ivory is wearing a black shirt with
oversize cuffs and a cranberry ascot. What Steven doesn't know is that
some of the audience is straight. Sorry -- second time I've made that
joke. For all the ass it sucked, I guess I'm still missing Boy Meets Boy
just a little. Just don't tell its advertisers.
A-hem. Vanilla sends us to the video bio of Lenny Hirsh, a former
lacrosse player and Colgate University grad who used to work in finance.
Then he got bored and decided he wanted to imitate Garth Brooks on
national TV. He's also climbed a few mountains and played a lot of
lacrosse. I think the technical term for his second career is
"unemployment," but who am I to judge? He has less soul than the
genetically engineered bastard offspring of John Tesh and Jimmy Osmond.
Miraculously, even less soul than the real Garth Brooks.
Lenny looks nothing like Garth as he takes the stage to sing
Thunder Rolls, a great song whose disturbing, domestic violence-themed
video scandalized CTV. His voice is Garth light, but not bad. Of course,
he probably shouldn't be quite as smiley as he is, considering that the
song is supposed to be about beating your wife after a night of screwing
your girlfriend.
He tries the frowny thing about halfway through, along with some
"choreography" that looks as if he's kicking a prone woman in the gut. I
think I liked inappropriately smiley better. Vanilla reveals Lenny's
performance score as an 8.48 and sends us to the one-two punch that is
stupid previews and commercials.
Dennis Kucinich scares the living crap out of me, fastforward, and
straight into Vanilla introducing Darren Tolliver, the college football
player/short order cook/education grad student who wants to be Meatloaf.
He says he's "a cook who loves Meatloaf," and America rolls its
collective eyes. Darren says he'll be "in pregame football mode" when
they introduce him. He seems like a sweetie. He loves kids and having a
job and he's sensitive 'cause he sings. First Lawrence the autism
teacher, now this guy. All the suburban white girls swoon.
Darren comes out in a cape and a Meatloaf-y suit, complete with
ruffled cuffs and shirtfront. I think the stylist raided Steven Ivory's
personal wardrobe, so Darren dresses a little bit better than your
average Performer As. The wig is hard to pin down. I want to say
roadkill possum, but it might be badger. Hard to tell, really, but gross
and skanky either way.
Darren does a pretty decent Meatloaf. He knows the secret is a
packet of Lipton's onion soup. I kid, I kid, He does a good Meatloaf. A
lighter Meatloaf. Like a Meatloaf comprised of the cheap Spam-like
foodstuff Treet. Like a Treetloaf. Treetloaf has a decent range and good
breath control.
He gets an 8.95 average (though Steven Ivory gives him an 8.15 --
what a stingy bitch). We get previews/commercials.
Ah, John Edwards. New Clinton. I swoon for him. Howard Dean has a
really huge head. Yikes! Lieberman.
Vanilla talks about the money, honey ($20 thousand for tonight's
winner, $200 thou for the overall champion). He introduces us to temp
worker Arlys Alford, a cafe au lait complected faux blonde with big
bambi eyes. Arly$ was in an accident a few months ago, and feared she
might be paralyzed. But she pulled a Gloria Estefan and now she'll be
performing as Annie Lennox.
Arly$ comes out in a man's suit with dyed red hair. She sings Sweet
Dreams (Are Made of This). She does a horrible job with the opening
"ahhs" -- off key and shrill. She doesn't really sound like Lennox, but
she has a decent (not great) voice and she's a natural onstage.
She works the hell out of some great choreography. Dancers in black
cat suits do a slinky, creepy shimmy at about waist level. It's dark and
edgy and cool, sort of Tim Burton meets Twyla Tharp. Arly$ brandishes a
riding crop. She has a lot of presence, but her voice is pretty weak.
She scores an 8.75 for performance. We get previews/commercials.
What up with Dick Gephart's eyebrows? He says something unkind (but
true) about the President and the economy. Blahblahblahtaxcutsfortherich
cakes. I fast forward and note that Kucinich is even scarier when you
speed him up, like some sort of demented troll on crystal meth.
Vanilla says it's time for us "to get to know Carmel Helene."
Carmel really loves Toni Braxon because she's beautiful and "classy."
Classy if you like personal bankruptcy and songs about masturbation. Not
that I'm judging. Carmel's mother was a blonde hippie chick. Her dad was
"a black congo player." Carmel was raised by a single mother. They were
poor. Video of their house reveals that Mom has since come up in the
world, money wise. She's surrounded by Carmel's pallid, blond half sibs.
Carmel will sing Unbreak My Heart, the video of which used to
disturb me to no end. If you haven't seen it, Toni's boyfriend falls off
his motorcycle and dies. After he hits the pavement, Toni runs to him
and cradles his head in her hands. Which has to be the stupidest thing
you could ever do to someone with a head or neck injury. And Toni wears
a Streisand wig in the video, as well as a white dress. We're talking
about a wig resembling 70s Streisand hair, i.e., a huge perm.
FauxToni has the dress right, but wears no wig, just her own badly
dyed, over processed hair. I never thought I'd want this show to pull
out one of its patented varmint wigs, but FauxToni's real hair might
actually be worse.
She has good range and a pretty voice. She sounds a lot like the
real thing. She could use work on her phrasing -- especially when she's
trying to do longer runs -- but she sounds good, looks good and has a
lot of potential.
John Kerry pops up on my screen. He's talking about something.
Growing sleepy...coma approaching...some Larouche nut job starts
screaming and I wake up. Howard Dean supports AFSCME's efforts to
unionize on the campus of the university hosting the debate. Yay union
organizing. Then Kerry starts talking again and
snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooze......
After smelling salts and a long hit on the fast forward button, we
get the review of the performers. The mediocre ones are still mediocre.
Which would be pretty much all of them, even FauxToni and Treetloaf, who
were the best of the lot.
Vanilla talks about the tabulating and the two part rubric. In
fifth place with an average of 8.41 we have Lenny Hirsh as Garth Brooks.
Then Vanilla tells us we have a three-way tie for second. First to go is
FauxToni, then Treetloaf. Arly$ and Not'donna stand side by side. And
the winner is...performing as,...wait a beat...Not'donna!
What the hell!!?! These judges keep picking the wrong people.
People who obviously aren't as good as their competitors keep moving
ahead, one by one, till all you have are the dregs of famewhoredom
slugging it out for $200K. Well, I suppose ICBINB isn't terrible, even
if she does strongly resemble a drag queen. The show is almost as lame
as American Idol. Which is also on Fox. I smell conspiracy in the wind.
Oh, and Not'donna sings us out. Badly.
Next Week: Episodes four and five will air back to back on Monday,
starting at 8pm with the last preliminary show and concluding at 9pm
with the crowning of the King or Kween of Karaoke. Oh, and the awarding
of 200K. Should be more fun than an episiotomy. Most things are, but why
not spin it positive.
Five karaoke "stars" will inflict their "talent" on the tiny
percentage of Americans still watching Performing As. Which includes me,
sadly.
Our host, Todd "Vanilla" Newton explains the rules, the two part
rubric and sets up a video introducing Luther Campbell, a small town boy
who wants to be like Justin Timberlake. Not in a good way (i.e., so he
can get wit' Britney) but to sing like Justin.
He sings an old style Justin song (from back in the day when he was
with Backstreet Boys or 98 Degrees or which ever crappy boy band it
was. I have a limited knowledge of boy bands, like every self
respecting adult should. Justin could've been a New Kid on the Block for
all I know).
Timberfake sings (badly). He has zero breath control, a bad combo
with his bad (but athletic) dancing. I snooze a little. Then previews
for later in the episode (when a waitress will be Faith Hill and a
housewife will be Cher) and commercials.
We're back. Vanilla introduces the judges again. See my first
recap for this info. Steven Ivory wears a scarlet ascot and a snow
white shirt with open cuffs. Not his most spectacular outfit. He tends
to give the lowest scores, so I sense a kindred spirit. Not that I'm
going out to buy myself an ascot or anything, but I like his tough love
approach.
Vanilla introduces the video for Tiffany Baldwin who will perform
as Faith Hill. Maybe she can hook up with the dude who bored the hell
out of us with his Tim McGraw impression a couple of weeks ago. Anyway,
Tiffany admires Faith for not being seedy. She's a small town girl.
The vocal coach makes his usual lame pronouncement about the singer
(she doesn't have confidence, blah blah blah), then Tiffany stands on
the Bridge o' Destiny and talks about her mom who gave up her own
famewhoring dreams to raise the next generation of famewhores.
Finally, Tiffany takes the stage. She looks like the Billoxi
stylist gave her an old Tammy Wynette wig. Perhaps even the wig Tammy
was buried in. Faithless wears a gold colored slip dress and sings
"Breathe," one of Diane Warren's many crimes against humanity. The dress
makes her look pregnant. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but
probably not the look they were going for.
Her voice is decent if unremarkable (much like the real Faith
Hill's. Whoever called this crap country has never heard Miss June
Carter, Miss Patsy Cline or even Wynona.) Faithless Shrill bores me.
Her score for vocal ability is an 8.45. We get previews for stuff later
in the show and then commercials.
We catch up with Conchita Leeflang (aka BadTina from episode one).
She owns birds. She wants to win the $200K. Yawn.
Vanilla tells us to welcome "a young man who has the soul of an old
crooner," Brian Duprey. Apparently, he has Sinatra's soul in a magical
crystal paperweight stolen out of the props bin for Buffy the Vampire
Slayer. No? He just wants to make a living in Vegas as a Frank Sinatra
impressionist? Wow. I like my story better.
The vocal coach was on tour with Frank. So far, this guy has
dropped virtually every name possible related to this show (Annie Lennox
and Madonna are some of his other clients). Too bad none of his tips
filtered through to Notdonna (who we'll be enduring in the finals).
Vanilla interviews Brian atop the Bridge o' Destiny. Brian says he
has lots in common with the chairman of the board. They're both only
children. Frank had blue eyes, Brian has blue contacts (odd that he says
that since he doesn't wear them), they both have mob ties and enjoyed
banging Mia Farrow. Well, not the last two, but the rest of it's true.
SinNOTra sings "The Way You Look Tonight." He sounds uncannily like
the real thing. He has a beautiful voice, great range, perfect phrasing.
He's very good. He doesn't have Frank Sinatra's confidence, raw charisma
or sex appeal (young Sinatra -- I'm not a total perv). But he's not bad.
The judges give him a 9.63 for vocal ability. He even squeezed a
9.5 out of Steven Ivory. Not bad for a (fully clothed) white boy. We get
previews and commercials. The "Dance Monkeys, dance" commercial for
Pepsi Vanilla is pretty funny. Though if Vanilla Pepsi is anywhere near
as revolting as Vanilla Coke, the ad's not terribly believable.
ICBINB says she's going to "give the performance of a lifetime."
I'm counting the minutes.
Vanilla introduces the video for Lisa Cash, a Michigan housewife
who wants to be Cher. Lisa has a truly tragic dye job. She has blond
hair with chocolate streaks. It looks like something she did at home, by
herself, drunk and in total darkness. She does a cheesy Cher impression,
full of "whooooaaa's" -- much like Sean Hayes' Cher impression on Will
and Grace.
Atop the Bridge o' Destiny, Lisa talks about her love of Cher.
Snooze. She takes the stage in an outfit meant to recreate the Bob
Mackie spiderweb unitard Cher wore in the video for "If I Could Turn
Back Time." Except far less slutty, so as not to annoy the FCC or any
parents dumb enough to let impressionable children watch this twaddle.
Not that kids will all turn to smack and prostitution if they see some
hausfrau from Cheboygan shake her bootie, but I wouldn't want my kids
strutting around pretending to be Cher or Faith Hill, either. Not that I
actually have kids.
A-hem. Lisa sounds like she's doing a really cheesy Cher
impression. Her voice is very goat-y. She sounds like Carmen Rasmussen
doing a Cher impression. Her wig looks like something Elvira would've
rejected. It's huge, curly and 100% manmade fibers. Not attractive. Lisa
does a dragtastic Cher, complete with fake sailors. She gets an 8.54
from the judges (Steven Ivory gives her an 8.05 and he seems like a guy
who would know plenty about Cher). We get previews and commercials.
Vanilla introduces a "husband and father of two" who will become
James Brown. Ron Knight calls James Brown "the king of soul." No, James
Brown is the Godfather of Soul. Jeez. If you're going to famewhore it up
as someone you supposedly idolize, you should at least get the nickname
right. Ron is tall and bald and muscular. He likes James Brown's moves.
Ron is stylin' atop the Brodge o' Destiny. He wears a collarless
black shirt and sunglasses. He says his kids are sick of him singing
James Brown. Me too. Oh, wait -- I haven't heard him sing yet. Well, no
matter. I have pretty low expectations.
Ron takes the stage in full James Brown regalia: pleather tux in
electric blue, high heel boots and a wig that will give me nightmares
for weeks to come. It looks like they scalped the president of the
Hairclub for Men to make it. Ron struts and shouts and does an okay
James Brown. He scores an 8.95. Vanilla tells us that he'll announce the
star quality scores soon, then throws us to commercials.
Vanilla welcomes us back and gives us the recap of performers. The
ones who sucked still suck. The ones who were passable still pass. Then
he announces the scores. In fifth place, with a score of 8.49, is Ol'
Faithless. In fourth place, with a score of 8.63 is, Lisa Cash, aka
Cher. In third place, with a score of 8.91, is Ron Knight, the King of
Soul. SiNOTra and Timberfake stand side by side. And the winner, with a
score of 9.59, is...wait, wait...who will get $20K and come
back...wait...is Brian Duprey, aka SiNOTra. He sings us out and the show
is over. At least he isn't wearing a wig.
