THE RECAPS
STORMSEEKER.COM RECAPS! Reality editor Chico Alexander provides
recaps of each show.
April 21, 2003 April 28, 2003 May 5, 2003 May 12, 2003
"We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides out cheeks and shades our eyes.
This debt we pay to human guile,
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile."
-Paul Laurence Dunbar
And welcome to episode three of the Fox Pseudoreality Hour. In episode one, a woman had to choose between love and money (*Family Feud strike*). In episode two, a couple had to live together as chosen by the American voting public (*Family Feud strike*). Today, our test is simple: looks vs. everything else.
Premise is simple, really. You remember the Masked Magician from early Fox specials? It's kinda like that.
Over the airing of the series, our lovely female, with the assistance of her "friend", will whittle twenty masked men down to one true love of her life based on personality alone. And I, being the immersive recapper I am, will do this entire series under the guise of the Masked Writer. But just to let you know, it's just me, the daytime guy.
Let's meet the players, shall we?
First, there's Hayley Arp, an associate for an investment firm from Atlanta who likes cooking. It's been six or seven years since she had a buddy buddy who she could buddy buddy up to. Her sister Heather says that she had tried to play the field (*Family Feud strike*). Her brother Dodger tried to fix her up with one of his friends (*Family Feud strike*). Her grandmother said that "good-looking guys aren't worth wiping your feet on," this according to her sister-in-law Adrienne. Hayley personally can't stand when guys can't express their personality past their semantic good looks and is personally thrilled with the idea that she can't see who these people are until it's too late, so to speak. "Hopefully, it won't matter what he looks like, because he's touched my heart in a different kind of way."
Then, there are the suitors, twenty men whose identities and facial physiognomies are known to us, the viewer, but will NEVER be known to Hayley until she chooses one. General consensus, a leveling of the field and a tome of nervousness. Twenty different personalities, twenty different occupations, each with a range of salary from zero to $270,000. "One's even a millionaire." We'll see which one in a moment.
And finally, the "best friend" in this case, the host, and after what has become really a shotgun search, they arrived at... Monica Lewinsky. Well, say what you will about her (that HASN'T been said, guys), but at least it's not Alex MacLeod again.
As we meet the entire cast, Hayley is shocked at what appears to be a clan of numbered hooligans. No, seriously, each person has numbered their mask. "I was surprised as how hard this is going to be," Hayley says.
Now the rules for the boys: One, you can never reveal your age, occupation, salary, or financial status. And they can never take their masks off. If they do, they are "outta here for good!"
And if that wasn't compelling/pressuring enough, ten of these men will be gone by the end of the hour. It's the standard snap judgment gambit.
And Monica sets Hayley loose, saying, "Let the masquerade begin! Have fun!"
And for you folks playing the home game, HERE are the suitors...
1 - Brian, attorney
2 - Bill, investment banker
3 - Michael C., publicist
4 - Jim, graduate student
5 - Tim, substitute teacher
6 - Robert B., pharmaceutical representative
7 - Johnny, personal trainer
8 - Richard, marketing director
9 - Ted, musician
10 - Robert F., NFL mascot
11 - Aaron, bar manager
12 - Michael L., computer technician
13 - Peyton, investment associate
14 - Noe, loan officer
15 - Will, developer/millionaire (If you guessed #15, Gordon has your free GSNN t-shirt at the door)
16 - Pete, unemployed
17 - Chris, motivational speaker
18 - Joseph, real estate agent
19 - Stan, software sales
20 - Trevor, shoe salesman
At the dance, all twenty men pepper Hayley with every line in the book... and some that aren't. Hayley likes it when each of her dances begins with a kiss on the hand. "I'm a big believer that chivalry isn't dead."
Interesting thing you have to know about Chris, he believes in neuro-lingustic programming. So far, it seems to be working, but I'll have to check is out with my psychology student brother.
After the masquerade, there is a gift-giving, and Hayley's nerves are still at overdrive. Aside from journals and teddy bears, Hayley gets a walkie-talkie, ear plugs, a jewel box, and a "frame of unity". Monica takes notes. There's a joke in here, but I'm not going to go there. Richard presents Hayley with a guitar sculpture, Aaron gives her a scrapbook of his dog Buddy, Trevor gives her a joke book, and Michael C. gave her a joke. You can print this out and take it to work, or you can print it out, wad it up and throw it away. But here it is.
"I went through all the obvious things, teddy bear, perfume, jewelry, all that kind of stuff, and then I said, you know, I want to give her the most special thing that somebody could give to another person. Unfortunately somewhere between high school and this evening, my virginity already got lost."
Back to the gifts. Noe gave Hayley a weird-looking frog thing. Brian gave Hayley a painting of Khalil Gibran's work. Will gave Hayley an inquisition about her parents (it's what every woman wants). We soon learn the method to his madness, as he lost his father early in life. Ted, Chris, and Michael L. gave her poetry. Some was good, others sounded more like Stephen Hawking. In addition, Chris gave Hayley a memento of a championship he won.
At phase three of the preliminaries, Monica thinks that there's a really cool way to find out what these guys are feeling (if it ain't Graham Norton's Stand-Up-Sit-Down routine, I don't think it'll work). Her plan: get astrologers to read the charts for all twenty men.
And no, that wasn't a special effect; that was the rippling glass of the windows on the doors of the house. But pretty cool, nonetheless.
During this session, we find out that Robert is one of the best lovers, Jim likes to talk dirty in bed, Stan uses power tools and whipped cream, Brian is "pretty good in the sack", Johnny likes to please his women (and then please himself). And then more hilarity -- and some disagreement -- ensued, particularly with Robert F., who doesn't believe that he needs the stars or the seaweed to tell him how to treat Hayley. "#10 scared the crap out of me!" she said. Chris, on the other hand, forgot about the astrologer and made another move on Hayley. Man, brother don't quit!
And after all that, it's time to choose, and unmask, the first ten losers. Ten players are on the courtyard waiting for Hayley's decision. And Monica informs them that they are ALL history. So we see the reaction to each as they unmask and exit stage right. After dismissing the rejects with the standard "this was so hard to me to choose speech", we see who exactly gets sent packing.
Bill - "An absolute pleasure being here" but "there wasn't any connection".
Johnny - "If it was meant to be, it was meant to be."
Tim (with a clown nose) - "my clowinging abround on the slow may have hurt my chances
Robert B. - "Any of the guys that you choose are great guys."
Richard - "I'm a little more than disappointed."
Robert F. - "I think this actually totally sucks. I was having fun until a couple of minutes ago, and I think you totally missed an opportunity, so I'm sorry for you, but good luck."
Aa... oh, Robert's not done yet.
"And another thing. You let a 1-800-number psychic make your decision on who you're gonna be with for the rest of your life? Why don't you go with somebody who has a little bit of passion and does something that's different from everybody else instead of some psycho who's reading sea flowers or something like that, it's ridiculous." And Robert leaves as Monica dismisses him, saying "Thank you, Richard."
Richard, Robert, Robert, Richard... Okay, I'm confused now. 10, are you done? Yes? Good. On we go.
Aaron - "I don't feel that anyone was better or worse than me"
Michael L. - "That hurt."
Noe - "I never thought I would make it as far as I did."
Trevor - "I would've wanted to show you more of who I am."
And now, the suitors who will continue to the next round, with their new colored masks.
Pete - Gold
Will - Silver
Peyton - Orange
Brian - Blue
Joseph - Light Blue
Chris - Dark Green
Stan - Light Green
Ted - Yellow
Michael C. - Red
Jim - Purple
And so the masquerade ends, and the game begins as we are introduced to more elements, including the dark room, where each player can unmask, but Hayley must wear a blindfold. Hmm... Interesting. *Unmasks* See you next week!
'Tis I, the Masked Writer, once again spreading the tidings of a woman who has nothing to go by other than the personality of ten bachelors. And so the adventure begins for Monica, Hayley, Pete (Bronze), Will (Silver), Peyton (Orange), Brian (Blue), Joseph (Light Blue), Chris (Hunter Green), Stan (Minty Green), Ted (Yellow), Michael (Red), and Jim (Purple). And, as the night progressed, Hayley will have to taste four less colors of the rainbow in fruit-flavored Skittles. And it's a good thing, because this joke will only work once.
But first, I'm going to watch Catherine Rahm on Wintuition... Aaaaand she's done.
Hayley and the boys are having a housewarming party. "Things seemed to be going perfect until alcohol comes into the mix," Hayley says. And you know what they say about wine and men who drink a little too much of it. Chris hopes some truth will come out tonight (yeah, the medina will do that). It turns out that Hayley wasn't drinking as much as she lets on, and she suggests that they hit the pool. Now, I don't know if you've seen ten grown men in Halloween masks jump into a pool and complain about a) hard nipples or b) shrinkage, but ... let's just say Hayley coming out more than makes up for it.
Thank you, Mr. Fox.
Unmasked, Will confesses that Hayley has a rockin' body. Unfortunately, we don't get to see more of it, as Chris, being, well... Chris, comes and sweeps her inside for yet another drink. Michael pretty much sums it up: "I didn't really like it when Chris pulled her out of the Jacuzzi. We never got a really good look at her in the bikini. And now I'm stuck in a Jacuzzi with three drunk guys." Let the good times roll.
And now, it's time to hear what Chris, who is as sinister-looking as he is sinister-sounding, had to say. "Let the games begin. Let's start the backstabbing."
Altogether now... EVIL!
"This is not a competition," Chris tells Hayley. "This is a, quote unquote, game of the heart." Hayley admires Chris for coming up front and taking the initiative to get to know her. Will, on the other hand, waits up like a confused parental waiting to catch the naughty-boy next door take his girl out after curfew. "He's quiet, he doesn't talk to anybody, and now when we're in a group situation, he throws so much game, it's mindboggling." But he makes up for it with some game of his own. Hayley didn't sit well with the topic of conversation being "Why did you leave the group and why were you so rude?"
... What, what? That's what I want to know!
"Who cares! I mean, this is my one chance to sit alone for the evening!" Surely Hayley could have come up with a better rebuttal than that. "He kind of, he almost blew it!"
In the end, Hayley spends some time with each one of the ten. Actually, she just talks with Chris, "discusses" with Will, wakls with Jim up to her room, and watches Joseph make a complete ass of himself. Meanwhile, Chris makes like Spiderman and watches from the balcony top, thinking that he won't be noticed. Wrong! "I don't know if Chris had been up there the entire time. I thought it was a little strange. Maybe he thought he was protecting me like a guardian angel, but it's kinda creeping me out! I just don't know what I'm going to do with him." Well, you can answer this question. What kind of guardian angel makes the subtle-butt-cheek-grab?
The next day, and it's lounging at the pool. Which may or may not give Fox yet another idea for a reality game. The boys forego the BEvERages for something a bit tamer: plain old OJ. Will thinks that the guys were a little too aggressive with our hamster. Peyton doesn't want to sit idly by and watch his chance slip away. He sends a note via courier butler to her. What did the note say? We don't know. All we know is that Hayley's going sailing with the guys later.
I think there was a song about this written in the 1970s, but the eleven mariners kick back, enjoy the view, and let the wind carry them to wherever people can accept them and their masks. Joe takes the initiative to make up for last night. "He didn't really take full responsibility," Hayley notes, suggesting that his actions may have put him off her list further. "I'm getting a little too much revelation from him and I think it's a little too soon to... go there." Wherever there is. Wow, what a mysterious bunch.
Example: Joe: "You [Brian] could be my soul mate. There's a bunch of interpretations in my mind about soulmates."
Brian's not doing too good, either, asking the one question that all men should NEVER, under any circumstances, ask ANY woman. And brothers, take this question and remember it.
"Why should I fall in love with you?"
Hayley would have to find out more about Brian before asking to him. Brian shrugs it off as important.
Enter Stan, who is curious as to their connection. Hayley's not feeling him at all. Stan gets that impression. Actually, Hayley has that feeling about everyone.
But that's all in the past, as it's time for a luau. Hayley thinks that this will separate the men with masks on next week from the men without at the end. Everyone learned from last night and it seemed to go fairly well, UNTIL Stan took the floor with what Hayley described as "some lame speech."
Stan: I'm kinda agonizing over something a little bit, and I'm really kinda torn. I'm not too sure what to do. Hayley's awfully pretty, nice, kind, intelligent. I'm just thinking about taking off the mask and ..." Hayley's pleas for a reconsideration go unheeded, as Stan removes his mask -- and himself -- from the running. "I was kinda glad when Stanley took off his mask," Hayley says, "It was definitely a case where the personality definitely matched his looks."
Stan shows his own way out. And the party continues as Hayley dances with the other girls. The guys notice... the other girls. "I was surprised at how immature a lot of these guys could be."
I think I'm going to take this opportunity to apologize on behalf of my gender. It appears that Fox (once again) scraped the bottom of the barrel for this one. It's going to be a blast figuring out how the boys will bounce back from this.
Hayley, obviously disgusted, takes Mike back into what we will call the Dark Room. This is kind of where the tables are turned as Mike can unmask, but Hayley must wear a blindfold. But thanks to the magic of night-vision, we can see everything. Back at the party, Pete was making a complete joke of himself (as if his Ace Venture garb didn't do it already). But it's enough to give Pete a free lap dance. Chris, on the other hand, didn't want any part of it. He's focused. I'll give him that. But that's it, okay?
Brian goes back to his room and takes one of the hula girls with him! "What is strange about one of us going on a date with another girl?" Brian unmasks, as said hula girl propositions him (according to the Joe Millionaire-like subtitles and sound effects).
Back in the Dark Room, Hayley was waiting for something from Mike, who said explicitly that he was going to be the aggressor. She got... NOTHING! Well, sort of.
Outside, Will takes a peek at Brian's bedside manner and... "Just not on my bed."
And instead of waiting for clip special after clip special to admit it, Brian goes on record as saying that "nothing happened in the bathroom." The hula girl has a different story. "We fooled around a bit. Did I b(^_^)w him? That's between he and I."
Well, she definitely b(^_^)w sixth-grade grammar.
The next morning, everyone wakes up after 4-6 hours of sleep. Will thinks that there are some people that definitely deserve a one-way ticket out the door. And if they are still here by the end of the night, then he more than likely won't be.
Jim thinks that Hayley is his type, more so than the hula girls. Brian, on the other hand, will gladly take anyone not of Jim's type.
And while the other guys are deliberating as to who Hayley's going to kick out of the love shack, Monica shows Hayley the Deliberation Room, a secret room in the house where Hayley and Monica can basically gawk at whatever misdoings plague the house. And once again, there's a joke in here, but I'm going to take the high road.
The girls take a seat in time to catch the big show last night on high-definition, which means that anything that the guys thought Hayley wouldn't know about the luau, she will. The scene plays like a bad movie night at a sleepover. Among the outtakes: Pete's lap dance and Brian's booty call. Hayley decides to get up in both of their respective grills.
Pete and Hayley talk about the lap dance. His defense: "There was no touching. It was, in all honesty, good clean fun." Translation: She offered! Brian and Hayley talk about his little rendezvous. His defense: "I did spend time with her. Nothing happened. What's good for the goose is good for the gander." Translation: Well, you read the subtitles, didn't you?
It's decision time, at long last. Before Hayley can make a final decision, Brian pops up and unpops his cork, much to Monica's... shock? I don't know; Gordon, does that look like shock to you?
(Gordongram - I think that anytime someone pops their cork in front of Monica, she flashbacks to shock and delight. I thought she was going to do her best Anna Nicole Smith impersonation.)
"Hold on, I can't do this," he said. "My heart, my mind, and my soul are not into this. So in fairness to you, I think I have to unmask."
But Brian has really no need to worry, as Monica, after a seemingly-semi-predictable host moment (she's really coming into this role, you can tell) where she tells him to suck-it-up-buttercup, and tells him that he was one of the three to be eliminated anyway!
Trivia time: Hayley's middle name is Valentine.
Back to the game: Hayley thought that Mr. Brian Caroless was confrontational and really not much of a gentleman to our object-of-affection here.
Hayley's final six are... Michael (despite his stopdown in the Dark Room), Jim, Peyton, Ted, Will, and... Chris.
On the other hand, Joseph "I get no satisfaction but plenty of alcohol" Jensen and Pete "Who cares; I got a lap dance!" Chen are unmasked and promptly wished that the door wouldn't hit their masks on the way off the premises.
Once again, I have donned my mask to chronicle the latest chapter in the ongoing saga of one woman (Hayley) and six masked men (Mike, Jim, Peyton, Chris, Will, and Ted). By the end of the night, two will unmask and take the long walk up outta here.
We pick up right where we left off as Monica departs. "You got the good guys" is the general consensus after Hayley is left with six men to group hug. Hayley seems to agree. "You guys are great and I'm sure that the frat house days are gone." You'd LIKE to think that, wouldn't you?
After the ceremony, Yellow Ted seemed really nervous, almost sure that he wouldn't advance. After a drink or so, he started miming to the other guys. Let's see if I can't translate. (Ted points to his eye, to his chest, and to Hayley). Hayley has cataracts and heartburn? Oh, I love Hayley. Gee, that's nice...
Red Mike believes that to get to the next round, all you have to do is hand the guys some ropes and they'll hang themselves, also the philosophy of Green Chris (coupled with being a gentleman, saying the right things, and... well, you'll see later). And speaking of which, Ted heads out, presumably to have another drink. "Are you drunk?" Silver Will asks. "Stop drinking, dude!" As Ted is, at the moment, incapacitated, the rest of the guys volunteer to drag him off to bed. Reluctantly. "Ted was so drunk, I thought 'here we go again,'" Hayley vents. I think it's a safe bet that he's going home.
So Hayley is done for the party, but not for the night, as she carries Chris to the Dark Room. All together now, "Ooooooh. Aaaaahhhh." Or, should I say, Chris carries her. "I was thrilled when she asked me to the Dark Room, and I was hoping for some intimacy with her." So Chris goes off to finish was Mike started last week.
In the Dark Room, Hayley divulges her wanting someone to take the ball and running with it. Chris questions her on the ideal scenario while holding her hand. Hayley believes that this hand can be trusted, like "everything's going to be okay." But this hand, we'll eventually find out, is the hand that rocks the cradle. Or something. Anyway, they peck and return upstairs. There you go.
And I'm not the only one feeling slighted by Greenie, as Purple Jim notes that "the last thing I want to do is drag Big Bird's drunken self throughout the mansion while Chris was downstairs with Hayley!"
The next day, it's one-on-one dating with three of our six men. Who does Hayley want to spend extra time with? We'll find out the answer after Hayley wines, dines, and 69s these dudes. Well, maybe two-out-of-three. Anyway, the three men are Jim, Chris, and Will.
Jim and Hayley are on a picnic, packed by Frasier (the butler, not the call-in psychologist, although I would take my chances with the shrink). They head out to a winery, which was very posh given its Malibu setting. They hang out and take in the scenery. Jim didn't feel like he had the mask on as Hayley thought that she was playing an unnamed detective game manufactured by Hasbro. Let's analyze this, shall we? We have a Professor Plum (Jim), a Mr. Green (Chris), a Miss Scarlet (Mike), a Col. Mustard (Ted), a board tile (Peyton), and a lead pipe (Will). Let's play!
Jim and Hayley indulge themselves in a game of bocce (Hayley won) before indulging themselves in a little... okay, a BIG kiss. But it's the first, so it's something. "The nose got in the way." I bet it did, Hayley. And here comes the second BIG kiss after walking through a wine field. Hayley calls this date an eight, "a pretty good deal' to Hayley.
Will suggests that Jim has his own element back at the house. Chris ("not really the grab-the-bull-by-the-horns type that she's looking for") and Mike ("he's really really vanilla") seem to agree.
Afterwards at the house, Ted thinks that Hayley has lost all respect for him. "Everybody makes mistakes. Hopefully she'll understand that." She won't for long, as she goes on a date with Will.
Will and Hayley take their pet show to the Steamers of Pismo, where they go Hummering on a sand highway. Hope you're strapped in, because this is about to get fierce! Hayley calls it "so awesome". Well, when was the last time that you hopped into a Hummer with someone who looked like a well-dressed Putty Patroller?
Am I the ONLY one who remembers the first season of Power Rangers from my childhood?
Will finds an X-factor that he hasn't found in other women in Hayley. Hayley seconds that emotion, saying that he's the kind of person that can't be anyone other than himself, and that she finds that attractive. After the Hummer ride, the two head to the ocean for dinner, where Will reveals two faults: 1) he's too friendly with everyone to focus on one woman, and 2) he treats women like a business transaction. Well, I'd gladly trade any woman I've known for one night with Hayley. Okay, maybe not any woman. Hayley really doesn't appreciate the business transaction sentiment, but they embrace at the end. That's it. No kiss. Hayley is really surprised at the lack of confidence.
Back at the house, the men discuss that any man who would end up the winner would have to have more than one dimension. But all that aside, Chris is starting to freak everyone else out with the books that he's reading: "Prime Directives of the Unconscious Mind", for example. The rest of the guys mock him with the help of a spoon and the chant of "Look into my eyes!" "Whether he believes in it or not is great," Ted says, "but whether a guy can manipulate Hayley, that's a crock of (^_^)." Chris adds that "it's bugging me to death that he may have a secret agenda going on."
Well, in some way, it's working, as Chris gets the third date, a helicopter and a night on the town. "Chris has become very comfortable being very physical." So we come to a helicopter ride. If you notice, a similar visual was used in the opening of "Greed". They finally land at a tarmac to head for dinner. Hayley had to trust Chris into leading her to said meal. WARNING: Do NOT try walking down stairs with your eyes closed without someone you deathly trust!
At dinner, Chris is playing his mind game and Hayley is all but hooked. "There's something about Chris that's so sexy and so intriguing and... his green eyes!" Chris, on the other hand, is more focused on his plan than he is on Hayley, which is really a contradiction of terms, as his plan IS Hayley. We're treated to a vis-a-vis of Hayley and Chris' varying opinions on this third date. The good news: Hayley's concentrated fully on Chris. The bad news...
So is Chris.
All together now... EVIL!
Back at the house, the rest of the guys talk to Monica about why they should win the game (because after all, this is a game. That's why it's on the page, right?). Be careful; that could well be fodder for her next decision.
After she gets back, Hayley invites Ted to the Dark Room to explain his drunken fit. "You made me so nervous." So he admits that he popped a Xanax. And for those of you watching, Xanax is, and I know this because I monitor people's drug levels for a living, is used for short-term relief of symptoms of excessive anxiety or panic attack. Couple it with alcohol and the result can be extremely. truthful? "What worries me is you felt like you could've had a panic attack so early in the process," Hayley said, right before Ted laid all his cards out on the table. Will she give him a second chance? We're about to find out, because it's time to ... okay, not yet.
Peyton finally gets some Hayley time poolside before that night's "date-off," as he puts it. Jim won't kiss and tell. Everyone's wondering about Will's game. Mike is being overconfident and under-funny. Chris "kind of seems to be Mr. Sensitive," according to Mike.
Alright, NOW it's time... for a heart-to-heart. Will and Hayley meet out front, where Hayley struggles to get a feel out of him. Will finally comes out and says that it's not a game for him anymore. It's about Hayley. Ted is next, as he lets out his feelings that Hayley should know what his heart wants to say outside of one stupid mistake, before presenting her a present.
And after more fakeouts than your run of the mill episode of American Idol, it's finally time to unmask two players. Hayley's final four are... Chris, Peyton, Jim, and Will. On the other hand, Not-Really-Funny Michael Chekway and Way-Really-Drunken Ted Berger mount their masks on the memorial wall, but not without some kind reassuring words to our dear Hayley.
So this is where we leave our lady in waiting, as we are left with the body, the mind, the soul, and... Peyton. Which we saw NOTHING from!
MR. PERSONALITY - Byte 4: Green Eyes Behind a Silver Mask
Four people remain in the quest for Hayley's heart, but by the end, that number will be reduced by half in preparations for next week's finale. In hopes that said finale won't be stretched past its breaking point, it'll be a two hour date fest that I'm sacrificing Boston Public for.
But in the end, it's better than the alternative.
So far, all we've seen of the four are Chris the sadistically evil hypnotist and Will the toyingly pathetic millionaire. But that is set to change as they, Jim, and Peyton (yeah, remember THEM?) are guaranteed dates with the lovely Hayley.
We start with a videogram from Chris, still in the green mask, filled with all the earmarks of one who, outside the realm of this game, would be a creepy little bugger. He is date #1. Hayley is looking forward to seeing a more real side to him. According to the other guys, he's more of the weird type who keeps to himself. So Hayley, Lupin reference #1 is dedicated to you: "Insh'allah. That means good frigging luck, pal."
Chris and Hayley go off horseback riding. Gee, talk about symbolism. Remember Evan and Zora? Chris mumbles something about a fairy tale and a princess while trying to tie in some Native American myth about the hawk being "fantastic" for the two. What that means, I don't know. "I think it means that you and I are looking forward to a great journey."
It was a vulture. The kind that circles about dead people. Process that, friends.
Later, it's off to a mountain top picnic, where he breaks out a kiddie book (if that's his idea of foreplay, then his back game must be a monster... Like Elmo or something). "Females won't admit it, but they enjoy that mystery, that curiosity," Chris notes as he plans out his strategy. Said strategy is working, because she's "really drawn to him," despite getting absolutely nothing in the break of day. So apparently, Hayley's only attracted to Chris at night. Sounds weird, doesn't it? Hayley's left with one question: "Is this the real Chris?"
Will, still silver, is more emotional according to the guys. Will is next on the date cycle. Hayley looks forward to "the next level", while Will is nervous. "This little girl from Atlanta is rocking my world and it's scaring the hell outta me!" And for good reason. Hayley counters, "He said that his girlfriends were like business attractions and with me, he's anything but businesslike!" A small plane takes Will and Hayley to a private island on Catalina for some fishing. First on Will's to-do list is some fishing for a kiss. Hayley's seeing a funny side of Will that's "sooo attractive." But as time went on, Will became more vulnerable. Everything was beginning to come into place, so Will must move his lips into the Fischer Random position (I have NO idea what that is) and... Checkmate. Will had to stop for a moment and watch the fireworks, so to speak. "It was magical," Hayley said, "but is he going to be the same guy when the mask comes off?"
I'd rate this one an eight. So would Will.
Peyton is number three. Hayley, despite his breakfast, doesn't feel that he's opening up to her. Meanwhile, Peyton is on the grass driving a few practice balls colored green, purple, and silver. And of course it's no coincidence that there are no orange balls. Peyton was very supportive of Hayley's sucking at golf. "He was instantly able to make me forget about my dates with Will and Chris."
Back at the mansion, Will is very serious about Hayley, saying that for 28 years, he's been looking for a woman to call his wife. "I find her in a mansion in Malibu hanging out with other guys."
Back with Peyton, Hayley admits her love for the theatre. "My mother can sing any showtune known to man." There's a good quality. I think.
Peyton comes back with a sneery smirk on his face, as Will wanted to know exactly what happened. Peyton ain't talking. All he said was "My coat smells like Hayley." Now what the hell does that mean, I ask you? This leads to a coming-at-odds with good friends Will and Peyton. "It felt like I got the better end of a deal than he did," Peyton notes.
And finally, there's Jim, who got the first caress of Hayley's lips against his latex nose. Sorry, I thought I was watching another Michael Jackson special for a moment. Their date: Salsa lessons and they have a LOT to live up to, judging from the two teachers. It's very close, intimate, fierce, and almost-impromptu... like Jim's never-ending kiss attempts. "It was sweet that he wanted to kiss me, but it just didn't seem like the right time.
Back at the mansion, Will is getting increasingly jealous, and he doesn't even know what Jim and Hayley are doing!
Speaking of which, Jim and Hayley have dinner after their lessons, talking about how Jim didn't like her spending time with the others because she's not spending time with him. "I always think about what I'm sayng first. I'm not just blurting out the first thing that omes to my mind," Jim says. "I think Jim was just nervous today," Hayley observes, "which is too bad because I really like being with him."
Back at the mansion, the boys are getting ready for a little South American bacchanal, and here comes their OTHER suitor: lady liquor. His rationale: "Every night that alcohol came into the picture, somebody got themselves sent home. If I could move that process along, that would be very helpful."
Smart, Will. Very smart.
It's party time, and Hayley and the boys are doing shots, shaking maracas, shaking "maracas", singing non-sensical words, and basically getting out of hand... AGAIN. Even Chris was getting some play in, dancing with Hayley AND the other guys! Things start getting competitive as Chris gets ripped from getting his drink on and his freak on with Hayley so Jim would be able to do the same thing. Probably good for Hayley, because Chris was beginning to make Hayley uncomfortable. "I really appreciated how sensitive Will was being." Meaning, of course... DARK ROOM!
Just like Will says, "Every time alcohol comes into the picture, someone self-destructs."
Will reaps the rewards of his sobriety, in Hayley putting her hands all over his face. It slowly but surely moves on until it becomes make-out city. Well, Chris, you wanted your kiss, you got it. In spades. But Hayley thought it was moving a bit too quickly.
The next night is the elimination ceremony. First stop for Hayley, the deliberation room, where Monica is waiting with her Voyeur Vision tapes. Among the highlights, Will and Peyton's little talk (which freaked poor little Hayley).
Then came the callbacks. Hayley only called Jim back to look at his eyes. Jim had more questions than she did, particularly about the date. Chris wasn't called back, but he just thought that he'd drop by anyway. Chris immediately started to go off on a tangent about mom's divorce and what not. Hayley is still wondering who the real Chris is, as she makes another tough decision.
Finally, it's time to unmask. Hayley once again comes, this time foregoing the unassuming "this was a hard decision and you're all so amazing and I want to meet all of your mothers" spiel before dismissing the orange and the purple for the green and the silver. Will seem to be enchanting Hayley by his date. Chris, on the other hand, is really only given one chance to back up his game with action.
And THEN comes the spiel, as Peyton "My Coat Smells Like Hayley" Miller and Jim "My Shirt Smells Like Sweat" Thomas, both cute and sweet in the eyes of Ms. Arp, leave their masks and fond memories behind.
So next week's big finish leaves the Millionaire against the Mindbender. Sounds like an idea for a Fox sitcom this fall. Watch for it. Meanwhile, I'll just unmask myself for another 167 hours while I primp for the grand finale next week. My choice to take it all: Tuxedo Mask. No, I'm kidding. I'm going to go for the good guy Will, and I'm hoping that her parents (!) will go the same route.
Needless to say, and I'm starting to repeat myself round these parts, the ending will be quite interesting.
