THE RECAPS
STORMSEEKER.COM RECAPS! Reality writer Chico Alexander provides
recaps of each show.
January 19, 2004 January 26, 2004 February 2, 2004 February 9, 2004 February 16, 2004 February 23, 2004
*huffs and puffs* Sorry, I just got back from New York. American Idol auditions. Whoa. And I wasn't even singing.
Anywho. One all-american girl (Randi Coy). One fake fiancˇ (Steven Bailey, a professional actor). One hell of a slob. One fortnight to get the family's blessing. One giant rift waiting to happen.
Claudia DiFalco welcomes us to your stereotypical mansion, where we have our stereotypical walkthrough of the stereotypical idea that our stereotypical Randi has no stereotypical clue as to what's stereotypically going on. "I've been on lockdown in the past two and a half weeks." The con: convince the family to give her blessing to marry a complete and utter stranger for $500,000. What the family doesn't know, though, is that the reality of the situation is... well, there isn't a "reality of the situation." Steven, the person chosen for Randi, is a professional actor hired to become the most obnoxious, abhorrent person known to man. And no, I'm not talking about Dick Cheney.
Randi emerges from stasis to the mansion, where, one piece at a time, she is endowed with a wedding gown. Now she doesn't know of the concept of this show. Claudia introduces Randi to ten of her suitors, none of which will actually appear for the rest of the series, and the concept of this show, which will be to fool her family into believing that she was on a reality show, fell in love, and got engaged. The plan is two-fold:
1: Every family member involved must attend the wedding.
2: No one must object.
3: Randi must actually go through with it without telling anyone.
Did I say two-fold? I lied.
Jeff, Nick, Craig, Antione, Braeden, Scott, Eric, Tyler, Cleveland, and Damon all propose to get in on the deal. Randi can see herself with Jeff, Nick, and Scott. Too bad that meant absolutely nothing. I mean, there's half a mill riding on this. Therefore, Fox chose...
Steve. Thanks, Fox.
Randi: "Are you freaking out?"
Steve: "Yeah?"
Needless to say, they're shocked. "The most important thing is that she believes me as a real person. And I think she's buying it," Steve says. They make it official... well, as official as one in his position can. "The deal is sealed," Claudia says. "The con is set."
Tour of the house, and Steve admits to being in the house for three days beforehand. Of course, Randi doesn't know that. Randi pays attention to the house. Steve... eats. And lays on Randi's bed. "This is where Randi gets randy."
Steve goes into his room... with a bidet... that he can't stop playing with... as well as pottery... that he can't stop breaking. "Right now, what I know of Steve, he's NOT the total package," Randi says.
First night's over, and Steve kisses Randi on the cheek. Much to Randi's chagrin. Randi's overwhelmed. Steve's "a baaad man" for doing this.
And this is only the beginning.
Next morning in breakfast, Randi and Steve (with a fake nosebleed and a plate of meat - wonder if he's on Atkins) have a heart to heart talk about what I would call... showmanship. At least that WAS the plan. But he can't stop going up to the steak bar. Randi tries to jolt him back to earth for a game plan. Her parents are hard to please. "Stick with my sister," she says. "Stay away from my sister," he says.
Claudia enters the room with wedding invitations after a sob story about Steve's folks. After today, there are 12 days left until the wedding of the century of the month. Claudia also springs up with a first date: a spa day. "Use this time to get some history together."
"Every girl loves a spa treatment," Randi said. "Even if Steve's next to you!" Randi couldn't even take the time to relax. Steve was relaxing enough for the two of them. Actually, Steve was relaxing enough for a third world country. "It's fun to watch her wiggle," Steve notes. Wiggling ensues as Steve suggests to Randi that she see him as God created. Plus dancing. Of course, he's got tighty-whiteys on. "If he did something like that in front of my family, it would be a complete disaster," Randi says.
Randi can't stop talking about how hard it is to even tolerate Steve. "There's something more that he sees in this and I don't know what it is." Well, Steve's mission for planting the seeds of interest: complete. "Don't be getting any feelings now. This is a business plan."
"My actions have got to speak louder than my words," Steve says. Both words and actions scream as he wants naked hot tub time while Randi's in an interview. "I want to go home right now. There's no way I'm going to pass this guy off as my husband. I don't want to be in this with him. I don't know what to do."
Man, this is just fun to watch. More fun ensues next week. See you there.
Last time, we met Randi, who, in an effort to get some quick cash from a reality TV show, entered into a deal to pass off a complete stranger as her fiance. Seemed simple at the time, I know. Then she met Steve. And things went downhill from there.
There's got to be a morning after... and this is it. Randi's more optimistic about the deal than she was last night. "It's a new day, it's a new start. We're going to try this again." New day. New start. Same Steve. Well, maybe not, as he tries to calm Randi down by picking some flowers. Looks like he wants to start over again as well. "I can't believe they put champagne on the table after last night," he says... with his mouth full.
Steve's back.
Wait, he's not drinking it. Wait, he is. Okay, he is. Just a little to send a message that "you're not out of the woods yet."
In this case, "just a little" = the whole glass.
Randi insists on no pet names. Steve insists on a pet name, strictly for practice. Randi still insists on her way. "The worry's on me right now. It's not really on Steve."
Enter Claudia with today's agenda: it's a trip to see a real-live wedding planner. You know, as compared to J-Lo. Randi's thinking that this is the couple's first real test with someone from the outside world. Steve's thinking that Claudia's "pretty hot. Maybe I'll try to hook up with her after this plan is over."
Hmmm... I like the way this guy thinks.
Time to meet planner Jill. Hi, Jill. She takes our couple down to a veritable smorgasbord of cakes, appetizers, and, for Steve, loads of comedy fun. Steve eats and wipes and spits out his sushi. "That tuna was excellent." Keep in mind that Steve's an actor and he's just pretending that he didn't like it. And what better way to wash down a sushi than with some champagne?
Over to the cakes now, and I see some disasters waiting to happen. First one's a gastric one on the part of Steve, as he makes some kind gas noises from his mouth. No real disasters with the cake, but Randi goes berserk inside every time Steve calls her honey or touches her. Pretty entertaining to watch her keep a straight face. She might lose it when it comes to the little people on the cake. Basically, Steve wants them, Randi doesn't.
Okay, NOT the cake disaster, as Steve shoves a piece in Randi's mouth. Everyone gets a good laugh at it, but not before the wine disasters, as Steve gargles, burps, and gargles some more.
But the best is yet to come, as the planner presents her best wine, a love potion by the name of Eros. And Steve presents his best Dionysus (the god of wine and after-parties), as Jill notes that you would really piss off the gods if you don't kiss. Well, better Randi gets pissed than an angry deity, so, there you go. One inescapable kiss. Soon... ish. Okay, there it is. Randi didn't like it. Steve must've LOVED it.
Onto some swank swag. Randi has no problem slinking her impressive body into a wedding gown, while Steve can't even get his cummerbund on right. Randi wins the award for "worst liar ever" when she says that she can't divulge into the details of how they proposed and what not. Meanwhile, Steve's looking sharp. If you can get past the pink cummerbund. Well, try getting past... POLKA DOTS! "Representing the dairy farmers of America."
Randi's growing concerned that Steve is developing a crush on her. Meanwhile Steve is sensing said concern. If I were in Steve's position... I'd kick it up another notch! But that's another show. Anyway, Randi doesn't like this one bit, mainly because she's not romantically fit to be tied with Steve. They better keep up the play-acting, because someone just brought in an orchestra. An orchestra at a fitting? What were you thinking? Oh, it's Claudia. She's always thinking.
"To give you an idea as to what that day will be like, why don't you share your first dance?" Thanks, Claudia. Randi must be a wreck by now. Heh. All of the sudden, Steve is getting emotional. "This is really..." Then he runs off. Randi thinks that he's thinking it was a moment he shouldn't be caught up in. "I just feel bad that his emotions are getting caught up as well."
Randi's thoughts: "This is getting too real. This whole situation."
Steve's thoughts, smiling: "Oh boy. This is a very interesting job. I just hope she'll forgive me when this is all done."
The next morning, Randi wanted out of the lie, and Steve wanted to make up for it, thinking that maybe they went too far. Steve and Randi finally meet to talk. Randi talked about how she thought that she was more emotional about this than he was, and Steve dissuaded her fears with one phrase: "You are totally not my type. I like Asian chicks, mainly." Randi was instantly infused with enough confidence to show Steve this...
"I have game plans. I made a list."
Oh boy, not the whole "I have game plans" thing. That NEVER works. Even if it is "you". "She's stronger than I thought," Steve notes. Even if her one defense is "I have a list".
Okay, you got a list, you got a list, I get it. Can we please continue? Here comes Claudia with another bad news situation. Clue, nothing good ever came out of a conversation with the phrase "feelings of intimacy" imbedded within. Today, they'll be meeting with a sex therapist. "Be very open. Don't hold back," Claudia says.
Easy for Steve, hard for Randi. "I'm a very private person. How am I supposed to tell this person about our sex life when we don't have one?!"
Steve doesn't hold anything back, thinking about going camping on the beach or something. Randi just lets the truth speak for itself in her body language. Steve strikes it down with something even more outrageous than before. Pattern continues. But you know what they say, "Never bull a bull."
Dr. Mandel the therapist then asks the $10,000,000 question: "Have you talked about sexual fantasies?" Got to think. Must think... Handcuffs? No... schoolgirl uniforms? No... The doctor switches to another game plan: "What's your favorite body part to be touched?" "Legs, waist, hips. But..." Yeah, but's a good one. Wait, one T. Sorry. Then comes Steve with "Sometimes when we're having sex, I get a little winded." Randi's starting to grate on her nerves. More so than usual.
"I truly wish you great luck," the therapist says. With a wrench forthcoming, she'll need it. It's time to meet... the BEST FRIEND!
"Anna knows the kind of person I'm supposed to bring home. And it's got me scared that she'll see right through me." Don't worry, it's only an hour. Then Steve shows up and we all get a good rise and then we have pie. But no pie to be had for Randi if she can't convince Anna to attend the ceremony.
Anna meets with Randi, and Randi flashes the ring, telling her everything about Steven that she can, given the fact that, I don't know, it's a compete and total lie?! "I'm sure I'll like him. I better," Anna said.
"You better" is right, because it's dinner time, next time.
After a botched wedding planner visit, a botched formal fitting, and a botched sex therapy session, Steve is feeling secure in his ability to botch things for the lovely Randi, but the ultimate botch is yet to come. Will Randi be able to contain herself in the face of friends and family? Will Randi be able to contain STEVE in the face of friends and family?
Luckily, Anna, Randi's best friend, was a convinceable. But not for long. "You can see in the background 'Okay, this is not what I expected.'" Hmmm... Not a big talker, this Anna. Guess it's time to turn on the charm. Cue the crystal dropping and the fondue fanatics. "It looks like toxic sewage or something." Always a good sign when you attack your "fiance's" best friend with a shrimp. Randi's busy trying to think of a way to stop him before... opps, too late.
"I really didn't see Steven as husband material," quotes Anna. So would Anna really think that the parents would like Steve? "... Yeah." Even though you think Randi's making a mistake. But hey, your parents'll really... wait a sec. "When Randi's parents meet Steven, I really think it's going to be a shock."
On the next morning's agenda: teaching Steve yoga. "We really couldn't resist laying a fart joke on her," Steve says. Ever see a large man do yoga? Pretty gruesome stuff. Even more gruesome? A stink bomb in his pocket... and a stink bomb in his colon! Cue Steve running for the nearest WC. And all Randi can say is "Holy crap!" Exactly.
Claudia comes in with more events, namely a Randi Coy makeover. Thursday night at 8, I bet. Steve gets a haircut ("No mullet") and a back wax ("He has a nice little rug"), and Randi gets enjoyment for once. "Watching Steve scream? It was the best! It was so funny!" Randi thinks that Steve has finally become presentable to humanity as we know it.
Just wait... Claudia appears out of nowhere with news of an upcoming arrival. Her parents. Time to tell the folks the entire story (that she's at liberty to say, anyway). First, Steve tells his in-laws (and yes, more actors -- they're at a hotel waiting for Steve's call). On the phone: Richard and his "wife" Laura, talking amongst themselves. "Believability is the most important factor." Believe this, it's now Randi's turn with the phone. Big question from the mom: "Will I like him?"
Randi, after remembering all that went on so far, "You'll adore him."
But the big surprise? Dad is really reluctant on Randi's meeting Steve. "I have a feeling that he's going to be the biggest problem in this scheme." But they do agree to come. "It sounds like we need to go out and see her. She says she's in love and she'll choose someone that's very sharp." Well, sharp-sphinctered, anyway. Then Catherine, the mom, releases the ultimatum that we've heard all series long: "If I don't like him, my claws will come out and I will bring Randi home."
Ouch. Next morning, breakfast in bed, Stevie Williams style. Of course that means, you know, orange juice on the bed and eggs on her PJs.
And here comes another list, this time from Steve, basically of things that she wouldn't be caught dead doing:
1. Be flirty.
2. Play with his hair.
3. Touch me at least three times.
4. Tell a dirty joke.
5. Family wants the hot tub, I gotta come.
Six, be surprised by Claudia's info. "It's time to see your parents." One group of in-laws... Steve's... will arrive in an hour. "I have a feeling that his family's not going to be easy," Randi says.
And heeere they are! Three actors, like Steven, who are ready at will to be just as annoying as Steven is. They get the grand tour of the house and a champagne toast. Randi's plan was to wait until later, preferably dinnertime, to spring the news onto them. Steven, knowing full well of his fake brood and that they're in on the story as well, opts for other plans during the champagne toast:
"Momdadwe'reengaged."
Wow. That was quick. Randi thinks it was stupid. And Steve, taken aback by her surprise, drops another glass. You think that's surprising? Kristina, Steve's "sister", hasn't even begun. "Wait until dinner." "The Williamses are all about invading people's space. She's probably screaming right now, 'Oh my god, there're four of them!'"
In the kitchen, Steve's mom begins to talk about breastfeeding. "I breastfed Steve until he was five." I'll give you one thing, she doesn't waste any time, especially when she measures Randi's hip.
Dinner time, as Laura has prepared a... unique... arrangement of macaroni tuna casserole and bread soufflˇ. Coupled it with mushy cauliflower, it's a Martha Stewart nightmare. Randi is a sport about downing the food that Sugarhill Gang was talking about in "Rapper's Delight". Then comes the gas attack, first by dad, then mom, then Kristina. And then Randi?! The family that burps together stays together. And speaking of gas, it's hot tub time, where the family can indulge in talk about tantric sex while Kristina pretends to be dead. "You know a lot of whales commit suicide." Well... that was... random. Meanwhile, Richard needed to feel a little warmer in the hot tub, so he removes his trousers. Given recent events, we don't spend much time here. Randi's overall assessment: "Once my parents meet his family... it's over."
The next morning (yes, there's another one), Randi is completely soured over the whole family as she suspects that they may know about the million dollars. Or at least Randi can go through all that for the million dollars. They talk game plan for Randi's folks, which do not include pants-dropping and Claudia popping out of nowhere... again. "Randi's family is packing their bags and will be arriving this afternoon." The folks from Littleton think good thoughts, as Claudia invites the happy couple on a yacht excursion, but to make things easier for Randi, the two families will not meet, and Randi will only introduce Steve as her boyfriend. Think it's easy?
Come on. Is it always this easy when you're dealing with Steven Williams? Another set of in-laws when we return next week.
If you thought that Steve was a one-slob wonder, think again. His whole family's like him. Yep. Just a brood of improv actors trying to make it to Randi's wedding. And did Randi's little pampering help Steve out any? We'll see, as the real family is on their way.
Randi's scared, and Steve's really hearing it, even as Randi hopes that Steve will love him as much as she's supposed to. The keys to victory: talking about Colorado and sports, no drugs, and no excessive manliness. Meanwhile, Steve thinks, "What better way to make her freak out than to have myself freak out in front of them!" And so it was... and it was, well, freaky. "I looked at him and he was pale white. Steve, I think, was having a panic attack!"
They stop the car and Steve, basically, needs a moment. "Falling over" on the road and "needing a drink" sets Randi into hysterics... Wouldn't give him mouth to mouth or help him up or anything. Eventually they get back in the car, and Randi gets the feeling that she's not out of it yet.
Meanwhile on the dock, Randi wonders if Steve can handle it. I bet he can. He just chooses not to... or something. But he won't have to, as Randi meets the family first, spending about a year and a half hugging each and every one of them.
"And then the game began."
The Coys meet Steve. Melanie's going to be a tough sell ("This is not my sister's type"). Bruce, on the other hand, may be the throwaway ("He's polite. Seems to be a real down-to-earth guy."). Steve had to shift the story a bit for fear of losing them too soon. But Steve flips the script and does a very good job of serving. Wait, is that right?
After some champagne, it seems like Steve has rubbed onto the Coys. They like him! They really like him! "Steve played cool the entire time. They drilled Steve and he just gave it right back to him." Was it the makeover? Prolly not. But Randi thinks so, so who really cares? Steve does, as he's just beginning to turn on the charm. To quote the Joker... "Wait'll they get a load of me..."
That night at dinner, Steve, much to the surprise of Randi, presents Cathy (mom) with a gift... a vase. Uh oh. Randi wonders where he came up with it. It didn't click that the vase was on the show before (more specifically the dining room bureau). She'll click in a moment, as Randi gets the news in the kitchen. What's supposed to happen: "What?!"
What did happen: "Who cares?! Like, to win my Mom over is frickin', we're good. We're real good." (Note to self: Regifting is good).
Randi, meanwhile, sums up her version of the Art of War by Sun-Tzu. "Step 1: A good game face. Step 2: Taking the reaction and going with it." Randi's more freaked out about the proceedings than Steve was, as she points out that Steve was acting, well, civilized. "I felt like I was in love with you," Steve tells her. "Okay, that's scary," Randi says.
But of course, it's all a show. Tomorrow, the real charm comes out.
Next morning, Randi's confident about her newfound great guy. Steve thought he did too good of a job with playing a show that he has to play another show to counteract the initial show. Up in Melanie and Bob's room, Steve has his breakfast (read: donuts) and his gas attacks. Yep. Steve's back. Oh yeah, and so is Melanie ("That's so not Randi's type of guy!"). And you want charming? Imagine Bob (little brother) being told that Steve took a monster (defecation) this morning. By Steve. "He just basically ran away." And then he tells everyone he comes in contact with afterwards.
And he really takes a dump on the croquet field while Randi gets ready. "Steve Williams doesn't know proper croquet etiquette." And just as Randi thought that she was in the clear... she wasn't. "There's something not quite right about Steve, and I'm not sure what it is," Catherine says. My guess. He's big. He's fat. He's obnoxious. He's... oh, look there's Randi!
Steve takes Randi away to the patio before she gets a chance to talk to her relatives. And besides that, there was another surprise for her. Funny, we haven't seen Claudia all episode and we're 30 minutes in... Well, speak of the devil!
"Today, you and Steve will join your family for brunch at the Pavilion." They will have to tell her family that they are engaged. Then they'll meet the inlaws and tell them that the wedding's three days away.
Brunch: Randi's torn. Steve's... having another panic attack. Or making like a transformation or something. The trading of "I love yous" seals it. Of course, they sounded like they were practicing. Joining the family today is Anna, the best friend. Everyone saw that Randi wanted to say something (either that or they saw that big gut that was on the croquet field the other day). They're about to see something else...
"I have news. Steve and I did fall in love, and Steve asked me to marry him." Stonefaced. Catherine doesn't know whether or not to be happy or disgusted. Mel was cold, Bobby was shocked, and Pat looked like he wanted to rip Steve a new one. So she manages to wrap the 'rents in, but Randi's going to have a hell of a time convincing the sibs to agree.
Pat: "I'm really pissed off. Any respect I had for Steven is now gone."
Melanie: "None of us wanted her to be engaged to a guy she hardly knows."
Wow. It's "Family Ties" all over again. Randi meets Bruce (dad), and they talk about support. "He knows there're something different about me." Bruce calls out that there are some foes out there, but there is still some time to think about it for both of them. Well, Mr. Coy, time is not a luxury for anyone right now.
"What tonight has in store... a huge nightmare, I think." Bruce is looking forward to meeting the Williamses because of shared interests and circumstances. Catherine, on the other hand... "Ex-hippies are hippies, which is okay, but I don't know if I would have a lot in common with... hippies."
Coys, meet the Williamses. Williamses, meet the Coys. All we're missing is Richard Karn. And a luau. Well, we have the luau. And Richard has some intent on playing to a lot of insecurities. We also meet Jimmy, the fake best friend.
Steve tells Bruce that he and Randi are not having sex... yet. "I'm surprised you would even bring it up, though. We'll... leave that alone." Bruce didn't really want to discuss it at the party, though. Meanwhile, Richard talks to Bruce about... well, everything! From urine to dodgeball to drinking.
And from there we go to yet another belching contest. Oh god. And Randi joins in... again. Awkward smile moment. "It went from good to bad to awful." Yeah, that's an accurate assessment, Randi. And then came... the moose. Everyone talked Steve into doing it. He said no. Everyone continued, he eventually said yes. Awkward smile moment. "I must say looking at their chests," Bruce said, "they were big, hairy... moose."
Catherine is getting a little more than annoyed with the family. "This is a nightmare. They were the family from hell."
Randi pulls Steve aside as Rome was beginning to burn to the ground. "As much as I can cry and freak them out, they don't think you're the one for me. So I need you to help me. I mean as much as you can."
They go back inside, and Steve remembers that champagne is the cue. Here comes the cue, and here comes the news.
"We have one more surprise for you. We wanted to get everyone together, and we're very excited. We are engaged. We're getting married on national television... in three days."
Fire in the hole! Will Randi have to get through another panic attack? Will the Coys grow to accept Steve as their "son-in-law"? Will Catherine keep the vase? And what does a kilt have to do with this? More familiar hijinks ensue next week. See you soon!
So last week, there was the meeting of the families. The Coys liked Steve. Catherine liked the vase. The next morning, Steve liked to take monster dumps, and the Williamses liked to push boundaries. Now the Coys like to check Randi in for some therapy.
We left our prospective wedding party with the news that the wedding was going to be in three days. Yes, that's fast. And speaking of fast, Bobby and Pat are heading for the door. Just follow the trail of obscenities.
Back in the living room... "Wow, this isn't really the way I had hoped it would go." Well, how DID you expect it to go, Steve? They're very traditionalist, and this, well... isn't. "I just thought, this is a nightmare!" Catherine says. Steve tries to understand that concern, but it's more disturbing than concerning. Well, as concerning as a fake wedding with a fake fiance would be, anyway. Randi begs the family to be at the wedding. Not working. Now is Randi questioning the validity of the entire operation? "A million dollars is a lot of money, but I love my family, and I would throw away a million dollars to save my family." She needs to save herself after the family interrogates Randi on Steve's vitals. After the answers, the family agrees to sleep on it. Except for Pat, who says that he's not going to be a part of it. Randi tries to seek an ally in Catherine, who is apparently the glue that holds the Coys together, but she doesn't know what to do about the situation either. No one does. When Steve said that he wasn't sure how it was going to go down, he wasn't kidding. None of the actors knew how it would play. "It was worse than we thought it was going to be."
And all Randi, after seeing the Coys buy more than what they can afford, can say is "This isn't funny."
It's getting there, don't you worry. We're approaching 48 hours until the fakest wedding since Trista and Ryan. And the Coys wake up in disarray. Bruce replays the last 48 hours in his head. "I don't think we like the idea that they're rushing into this as fast as they're rushing into this. I don't think I'm quite ready for it." Bruce talks to Randi about the kids wanting to go home and the parents being buffaloed. Randi just wants everyone to support their decision. "That's not going to happen right now," Bruce tells her, right as he leaves.
Did I mention that the family was in disarray? Because if I didn't, then there, the family's in disarray. Randi meets Steve at the patio o'love. Talking about their families' reactions, Randi just says "If they only knew... If they only fricking knew." She thought about quitting, but when you're this close, you don't want to give up. "I'll do it for your family."
36 hours and counting... Randi tries to mend fences, first with the parents. In her mind, she's telling them to trust her. In reality... nothing. Instead, profuse apologies and trying to trust Randi's decision. She tearingly tells her mom that Steve's the guy. But Dad relieves the stress (somewhat), by telling Randi that they knew we had to be there. That challenge... taken care of. Now the biggie. Convincing the fraternals...
Two hours later, it's time to meet with the brothers. Pat's the hardest to convince, but at the same time, he's the most in need of the money. Eventually, she finds them, and again... nothing! Bobby and Pat still are hard sells, especially Pat, who's seen by Randi as the protector. Again, they flat out refuse to take part. Actually, Bobby reluctantly agrees, while Pat still doesn't want to trust Pat's decision. "I'm mad as hell, too, but I don't want the whole family to fall apart," Bobby says, to which Pat replies, "That's the thing she's not thinking about." Then again, Bobby does say that if the other Coys don't attend, then he won't. Guess liars run like water in their family, eh?
We're at 24 and counting... The stage is being set, and the plants are falling all over the place. The real plants, not Steve's family. Bruce watches on, still not really ready to accept it. But he'll go with Steve, Jimmy (Steve's "best friend"), and Richard (Steve's "father") to the tux fitting. Richard thinks that Bruce is a very private man, but will try his damnedest to go public with him. "He was really together, trying to put on his best game face." Well, Bruce can only laugh at the prospect. Or at Jimmy's striptease. "I did get a buck from him."
"'Let's get in the damn limo and let's get the hell outta here.'" Okay, Richard, if you say so. We're in the limo and we're outta here, as Bruce takes pauses in his enjoyment to ask the million dollar question: "You're really going to go through with this..." He also asked the same two questions that were asked of Randi, those being the birthday (July 1) and the favorite color (red). Slide it, Earl! They match! So that leaves the worry of Steve's enormous girth crushing her on wedding night. Or so Jimmy said.
Only 18 hours left... The girls in the wedding party, sans Melanie Coy, are meeting with the wedding planner (you remember Jill, right?), where Laura (Steve's "mother") brings up Rice Krispie Treats and Hot Pockets and freezing placentas instead of freezing cakes. FREEZING PLACENTAS?! Please, I just had some cake!
Wait, we're not done yet. It's time for Pole Dancing 101 with your instructor, Laura Williams! Can't say anything about that. I can't, but Cathy can, and she does, to Bruce, that night. "It's cute. It's fun. It's... (awkward pause) different."
It's time for the rehearsal dinner, and yet have we to see Melanie. Steve's family is ready to go with dinner, as are Randi's parents and best friend, but the sibs are nowhere to be found. Not good. The rehearsal goes off without a hitch (sure morbid Kristina can't keep her head up, but oh well, what are you going to do), and this wedding is playing more to reality despite the lack of emotion. Jill mentioned objections, and Randi shot a piercing look to Bruce. "I'm not real crazy about Steve, but what are you going to say when your daughter's head over heels over someone?"
Another toast. And Randi and Cathy are torn. Cathy doesn't agree, but she will support. Even if it means taking the kids by the ears (and there are a lot of ears to be taken) and dragging them downstairs. Pat and Bobby are the most vocal, but Cathy matches them voice for voice, saying that "it'll break my heart if my kids are not with me." Mel, meanwhile, remains silent.
Meanwhile, all Steve can think is that "tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life." We'll see, because next week is "My Big Fat Wedding." Will anyone object to the marriage? Will anyone come? Someone's making something official, and it won't be over until after someone says "You may now kiss..."
Even if it ends in "my ass."
The families have met and Catherine Coy is trying to put the pieces back together in time for Randi's wedding. But can it be done? Or will Randi be out half a mill? We're getting ever so close to the wedding. At this point, failure is not an option. But then again, it's not a real wedding, and Steve's not a real slob, so expect anything... and I do mean ANYTHING... to happen.
Right now, we are at a rain-soaked five hours until zero hour. Randi's finding it hard to keep lying about the wedding. "If they only realized I was lying for their benefit, it would be bittersweet." Needless to say, Randi's ready for this to be over. And so are the Coys themselves. Particularly Melanie, who thinks that she's been left out.
Did we mention it was raining outside? Forrrreshadowing.
Steve meets Randi for one last minute assessment, complete with one last minute appearance by Claudia. The rules, one more time, everyone must appear at the wedding, and everyone must not object. With a "good luck" Claudia disappears for the final time, to reappear in another series down the line.
"I'm just going to sit back and let it all happen!" Steve says.
Two hours to go. Bruce is dispelling any notion of a last minute change of heart. Melanie's still defiant of taking no part in the wedding. Randi's hoping to keep her distance from her family. No such luck, as Bruce finds her in makeup, hoping to get her to talk to Melanie, who, at the moment, has a feeling that something's up. End result, Randi won't meet Melanie until the wedding... if she shows.
Cathy lets us know why. Because she had ideas for her sister's wedding herself. Understandable. "Me and my sister have a special bond, and it was completely broken."
Well, she was in hair and makeup, so I'm assuming that yes, she'll be at th wedding, but I don't know.
Meanwhile, back at Steve's place, he's busy psyching himself up for what's coming. "Randi's been working so hard to get through the I dos without the final objections that she won't expect our final twist."
Gee, I wonder which twist is that. Couldn't be men in kilts, could it? Cathy always told the boys that when Randi gets married, they're going to wear kilts, citing pride in their heritage. Hopefully they'll let tradition slide, and there'll be something on underneath those kilts. They will be at the wedding, but they will not support it.
Meanwhile, it's still raining on our Irish wedding. And I don't know what's sadder, the look on Randi's face or the half-arsed bagpipe playing (okay, little too overcritical there). Steve's on the scene, and so far, only Cathy is there. And so is Pat and Amy. Meanwhile, we're still waiting on Melanie... Still waiting... And there she is with Bobby. "This was supposed to be her wedding. And I hated it."
Here comes the bride, hoping her family will gain from this somehow. Bruce is losing Randi in a way that he knows her. They're buying the wedding so much that they're "freaking out about it." Albeit a tough sell, it's finally time for the climax.
Oh, wait! There's Claudia! Although I wouldn't've picked out that horrid dress for her. Okay, it's checkout time. Bruce noticed that Cathy looked the best, but the sibs were looking more and more pissed than ever. "We're all angry. And sad. And in disbelief."
Back at the altar, Steve is bungling his lines in the ring exchange. And Cathy starts to cry as we reach the million dollar question:
"If anyone objects to this marriage, please speak now or forever hold your peace."
Every eye in the place shifted toward the Coys, who are still half defiant in accepting. A deafening silence upon the crowd. Pat is vice gripping his mom and sister, keeping them (and to a certain extent, himself) from objecting.
No one objects. As far as Randi knows, she's won. "All that's left is the I dos and we couldn't possibly screw those up." Wait. We didn't say we're finished yet. Randi gets through her half. And Steve...
"I... I can't. I'm sorry. This is fake. This isn't real. We're faking it. This isn't a real wedding."
And there go the Coys, even as Steve pleads with them to hear him out. Bruce returns, ready to hear everything. Cathy, on the other hand, gathers Pat, Bobby, and Melanie together in preparation to depart. All Randi can say is "I destroyed my family."
Enter producer and expert crisis manager Ray Giuliani. "Don't stop here. This is not the point. Randi's intention is not to make fools out of any of you. You need to go back down and hear what Randi has to say. I mean it!" Cathy and co. give the party five more minutes. One by one, they return to hear what Randi has to say. "Maybe this would make for a good comedy."
Randi mentions that she did this for her family. Bruce is interested to learn how. Well, Brucie... sit down.
Steve explains that Randi and himself did not meet on a reality show, but instead met in a challenge to convince the families that they would get married. "It was not intended to have any malice. And if we succeeded in this challenge, we would each win $250,000." (Randi: "And $250,000 for our family.") Randi wanted to give them the best present, moving out for Pat, traveling for Melanie, college for Bobby, and financial security for the parents.
"This isn't about money," Bruce says, thinking that she's embarrassed the family. Well, revenge is soon to be exacted as Steve turns to Randi and blows the lid off of the whole damn thang.
"I'm not who you think I am. My name is not Steven Williams. I don't work for an internet company. I don't eat like a pig. And I'm not even that much of a klutz. In fact, up until the other day, I've never had a burping contest in my life. These people are not my family. Jimmy, although a hell of a nice guy, is not my best friend. My name is Steven Bailey, and I'm a professional actor."
Randi's response: "What?"
He explains that he was hired to basically be... well, you saw. The original idea was for the show to be about beauty and the beast revisited. I say "original", because... well, listen.
"But we actually got a better show than that. When the Coys arrived our story hadn't change. Because their love for their daughter and sister was so strong that they could not sit idly by and watch Randi make the worst mistake of her life. So our story shifted. And for the better. Because the Coys were great. They were very kind. They accepted all of my imperfections and welcomed me into the family, but they did have to voice their concerns. And the real tribute of love for their family is that despite their concerns and their cares, they're still here today. And they came to this wedding in support of you, their love for you, their trust for you, and that became the story of our show. The love of a family, and the bond that keeps them together."
And since such love needs to be rewarded, Steve presents his fake family with... well, nothing. But he does present a couple of checks, don't worry.
"Randi Coy... My friend... Here is a check for half a million dollars." The other half goes to Randi's family. Relief over the crowd, especially for Bruce, who came to understand that she didn't do this for the love of money, but for the love of her family.
Randi's take on the whole situation: "I want my family's acceptance more than anything, and I would give the money back in a second if I didn't have you guys behind me." Isn't that touching. Anyway. We replay the entire series for Randi's folks in hopes that they'll get the entire story. We get everything from Claudia's first sudden appearance to Steve's manscaping. We also get the post script:
"After leaving the estate, the Coys, including Randi, returned home to Colorado where they spent several weeks together as a family. Randi reports that her family has forgiven her... but are going to be 'very frickin' suspicious' the next time she brings home a new boyfriend. Randi Coy is currently dividing her time between Colorado and Arizona. She's planning to use some of her winnings to take her family on a trip to Ireland for her dad's upcoming 50th birthday. Beyond that, the future is wide open."
It probably won't include a teaching gig, though. Well, this was a pretty entertaining series, riddled with twists... And we couldn't leave without one more. Here's Steve:
"You wanna know something funny? I'm married."
And who saw that one coming, eh? Although, I am a bit confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending? It's an ending. Be glad for that.
