THE RECAPS
STORMSEEKER.COM RECAPS! Reality editors Chico Alexander, Anthony Rojas and Gordon Pepper provide
recaps of each show.
March 5, 2003 March 7, 2003 March 10, 2003 March 24, 2003 March 31, 2003 April 7, 2003 April 14, 2003
(Chico Alexander)
MARRIED BY AMERICA: Byte 1 - Here Come the ... Newlyweds?!
As you can see, the set of MBA is Greedesque, with a tip to the builder of the Pyramid over at Sony Pictures Studios. And here's our host front and center, Sean Valentine.
So here's the first question on my mind... Who the heck is a Sean Valentine and what the heck does a Sean Valentine do? After a search on IMDB, we find that he's a virginal host being broken in (welcome to the week of the virginal hosts). But upon FURTHER research, we find that he's a comic and DJ at KIIS-FM, where he spins tunes as simply Valentine.
But I'll give you one thing. For someone who hired Alex McLeod for Joe Millionaire, it's an improvement.
But the show isn't about him. It's about these five single men and women, who are waiting for 25 single suitors. They will be whittled down by family and friends before the power of matrimony is vested to the viewing public. One by one, each couple will be eliminated, until the final couple says "I do," like it or love it. At the end of this skewed rainbow, a pot of gold: a luxury car, $100,000, and -- if they STAY married -- a house, all totaling nearly half a million. I don't believe the stakes have never been this high, except for another show on this network. And maybe CBS.
But more about that later. We have out our five suitors who will pop the question on Wednesday night, and, in the words of Jim Lange... "Heeeeeeeere they are!"
JILL: A career-oriented reporter. Her type of guy is someone who she can do things with. She's into sports. She tends to push herself away from something she's close to. And she looks like Paula Abdul.
STEPHEN: in college, he was a hottie and a horn dog. Today, he's a hopeless romantic who's at a point in his life where he's ready to meet someone. According to his family and his own testimony, he's been watching "Pretty Woman" one too many times and, as such, has adopted the fantasy of being able to give a woman whatever their heart's desire. But that's why this is called "a reality series."
BILLIE JEANNE: A bartender who's date card, according to the commercials, is composed of drunkards and wankers. She's vivacious and beautiful, and proves it by saying, "Are you ready for me, world? Because I'm ready for you! I'm going to kick your ass, m(^_^)er!" She's always been a fighter. She wants someone who is ready to love her for her. Sean uses one word to describe her: "Firecracker."
JENNIFER: The cat girl. She's very much ruled by her head than she is by her heart. She will not settle. She needs someone who has his own ideas and his own opinions. And in case you haven't figured it out by now... she's more than ready. Why the risk? "You can find true love anywhere, so why not here?" Lady, I can give you three reasons.
MATT: The dog boy. The Atlanta native gives off a "Yeah, you know" vibe. He has a dry sense of humor, this coming from his mother. "I don't hit on people. I don't have game. None! If I did, I wouldn't be here, I'd be with someone," Matt declares. For five years, his lack of game has cost him relationship after relationship. Now he's ready for America to give him the hook-up.
Okay, you've met them. Now off to the stasis booths. Or something of that nature.
Now, the 25 men and women who are also looking to snatch their 15 minutes of wedded bliss: Jack, Denise L., Joshua, Jennifer, Kevin P., Trisha, Xavier, Darrien, Vincent, Darcey, Kevin G., Smithy, Alessandra, Brian, Markus, Denise D., Tony, Jeff, Cortez, Michael, Paul, Sally, Jeremy, Scott, and Kelly. I could spend all recap detailing why these people want to get married on national television, but it won't matter for 20 of them anyway.
Matchmaking experts were hard at work, whittling down the field to five for each contestant. Here are their picks.
Judging for Jill are mom Michelle, dad Anthony, and best friend Deirdre. Their picks are Markus, Vincent, Kevin G., Brian, and Smithy.
After the rapid-fire inquisition, Sean reveals a secret twist, an envelop containing a deep dark secret. The person who has it can either reveal the secret now or play the odds and hope that it's not his secret. For the first round, no one is talking. So Sean decides to out Markus about his first kiss... with his TEACHER?! They decide to let Brian go, because dad thinks he needs to dress "more modern." After the file question round, Smithy is given his walking papers because of his small-town roots. Smithy is quite the gentleman in defeat. The other three are carted to the isolation inquisition.
Judging for Stephen are best friend Mo, sister Paula, and roommate Mark. Their picks are Trisha, Alessandra, Denise D., Denise L., and Darrien. After round 1, no one wants to hear a secret. But Sean wants to tell a secret. Apparently, Denise L. has posed nude for a national audience. The first casualty, though: Alessandra. After the file questions, Trisha is sent packing. No one likes baggage. And Trisha has more than her fair share.
Judging for Billie Jeanne are roommate Duane, best friend Paige, and coworker Jeanmarie. Getting the nod are Tony, Jack, Jeff, Michael, and Kevin P. It's secret time once the rapid-fire questioning. This time, we learn that Tony engages in m�nage-boogies. "Well, someone had to hold the camera." Oh, now that's something we were better off not knowing! So Kevin P. takes the stroll. After the file questions, Jeff joins him.
Back from the break, Jill's party is back on stage for the final reveal. But Jill is still in isolative stasis. So all that there is left is Markus, Vincent, and Kevin G. Sean wastes no time in stretching out the outcome to fit the allotted two hours. Markus... is safe. Kevin... is also safe. So the vote: Markus vs. Kevin. These two get to hear a little bit about Jill, as well as the sound of their own groveling before Fox cuts the dogs loose.
Stephen is also still in vegetative isolation. Also returning are his party and his three remaining suitors. Denise D. ... is safe. Denise L. ... is also safe. So that's the second vote. Stephen talks to them, as the others talk to America.
Billie Jeanne has also yet to emerge from habitation, as we reunite with her party and suitors. The two suitors who await America's vote are Michael and Tony. Engage groveling.
And Sean has stretched the situation so far that we will have to wait until Wednesday night to find out who will compete for Matt and Jennifer. Good one, man. My picks will come at that time, so until then, "good night, America... and don't forget to VOTE!"
(Chico Alexander)
Once our couples are all engaged, they will move into a stylish love shack where they will live together, eat together, and did someone mention foreplay? But FIRST, we have to get to that point. And we're two people short because Sean overstretched his welcome. So join us for this special Wednesday edition, as Matt and Jennifer prepare to be...
MARRIED BY AMERICA: Byte 2 - (Matt and) Jenny from the Block
Before we match up Jennifer and Matt, let's reacquaint ourselves:
JENNIFER: The cat girl. She's very much ruled by her head than she is by her heart. She will not settle. She needs someone who has his own ideas and his own opinions. And in case you haven't figured it out by now... she's more than ready. Why the risk? "You can find true love anywhere, so why not here?" Lady, I can give you three reasons.
MATT: The dog boy. The Atlanta native gives off a "Yeah, you know" vibe. He has a dry sense of humor, this coming from his mother. "I don't hit on people. I don't have game. None! If I did, I wouldn't be here, I'd be with someone," Matt declares. For five years, his lack of game has cost him relationship after relationship. Now he's ready for America to give him the hook-up.
And that's the last time that Matt and Jennifer will be together onstage, as they are carted to isolation.
Judging for Jennifer are brother Stephen, mom Joyce, and best friend Alicia. Their picks are Joshua, Xavier, Scott, Paul, and Jeremy. You know how this works by now. We have the general question round, followed by a secret that Jennifer's loved ones would be interested to know. The five decide to let it ride. Scott, on the other hand, has a card that says that he lives at home... with his MAMA! Thirty-three years old and lives with his mother. After that bit of entertainment, Paul is given his papers and kindly sent on his merry way. Now we head to the personal questions, where Jeremy is cut due to geographic reasons.
Now onto Matt. Judging for him are mom Georgina, sister Sarah, and best friend Mike. They don't get any picks as the dog-boy is left with whoever's left. That would be Kelly, Sally, Cortez, Darcey, and Jennifer. Sean unearths the envelope of destiny as the general questions are taken care of. And for the fifth time, the fivesome let it ride. Darcey's shocker isn't that much of a shocker. She's a celibate. Not that bad of a girl, now is she? On the other hand, Jennifer is subject to mom's scrutiny, as she is sent on her merry way. Now onto the intimate questions. And after that, yeah, here's a shocker, Darcey's gone. Mom says, "She's not saucy enough."
But back to Jennifer. Xavier, Scott, and Paul are back onstage. Scott's a risk-taker, and may be too reserved. Xavier is close to his family, but a bit too suave. Joshua is motivated, but a little too immature. In the end, Xavier and Scott are safe. Joshua's sent home to do some more growing.
Matt is back in the mix, as we return Kelly, Sally, and Cortez to the stage. Cortez is a sweetie, but maybe she's not tough enough. Sally knows what she wants, but is flighty. Kelly is. holding her ears shut right now. But the truth of the matter is that she's just like Matt, but she'd make a better buddy. Moving on to the public vote are Sally and Cortez.
Sean: "Kelly, what are you feeling right now?"
Kelly: *raspberries*
Well, two of my picks for Matt are shot. But let's try and make do with what we have. Here are my picks.
Matt: Cortez
Jennifer: Scott
Billie Jeanne: Michael
Stephen: Denise L.
Jill: Kevin
So we'll see how bad I am at this thing on Monday. As Sean says, "Good night, America... and don't forget to VOTE!"
(Anthony Rojas)
Hey everyone, I'm covering for Gordon because BUSH wanted to give a speech that will send our economy even more south. As a result, they moved this show to the same time slot as FEAR FACTOR, which is covered by Gordon. So thanks to Gordon, I had to tape this dreadful show and watch it. Thanks, Gordon - BITE ME!!
(GordonGram - Hey - you're the rookie. You get to do all of the rookie work. And WHERE'S MY COFFEE?????)
DAY 1: So we have 5 beautiful couples, and one will be voted off at the end of the show. The show kicks off with the couples driving to their new place of stay, the Copper North Ranch. Each couple runs off to see the house and inside they have the luxurious living room, den, fire places and *cough* *cough*, the bedroom, where they will be sleeping together as a couple. Of course they had to show off the outside property and the backyard pool. I smell bikinis!!
Each couple has a letter on the bed, explaining their trip for the next day. Every couple has a different note, of course. More on this in DAY 2.
After the couples get settled in, Matt and Cortez were having dinner in their bedroom and out of all topics they are talking about 'drowning'. FUN FUN FUN, Cortez quickly changes the subject and asks, 'I wonder what the other couples are doing?' Yes, I wonder...
Tony and Billie are found drinking some Tequila and laughing and seemed to have a good time. These two looked the most comfortable so far.
Jill and Kevin are found wrestling and enjoying their room. Jill flirts with Kevin, who is wearing boxers, and says 'Let's see that ass' This couple seems to be enjoying themselves very much.
Next up - Denise and Stephen have some dinner as well and talk about what they did before this show. Denise mentioned 'a lot of time being alone.' On the side, Stephen says to the Camera 'sometimes I like the idea of being engaged and sometimes I don't.' Hmmmm, interesting eh?
Xavier and Jennifer are up and Xavier gets all excited cause he started the fireplace in the bedroom. Come on everyone stand up and 'clap' for this talented guy. As they eat dinner Jennifer says 'You eat like a European' Where's the love here? Gordon, did I mention that I hate you? (GordonGram - No, I don't think you did. You mentioned that you wanted me to bite you though. Is that a sign of affection?). Xavier goes on to say on the side to the camera that he is trying to be himself and make Jennifer feel more comfortable with him. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Who is this guy? Is he blind? Jennifer, on the side, talks to the camera and says she thinks Xavier is 'attractive guy but I don't know yet' Riiiiight!
Now comes the time where everyone decides where thay are going to sleep. Stephen takes the couch and Denise gets the whole king size bed to her. Fun. Xavier makes his usual comments and says 'We could sleep on the couch, floor or bed together.' Notice the 'we' and 'couch' in the same sentence. Things steam up in Jill and Kevin's room as they are found making out under the sheets. Gee, I wonder where they're sleeping? Jennifer tells Xavier 'we'll just sleep in the bed; it's a big bed, no big deal,'
Xavier just drinks some wine sitting on the couch. I feel the excitement! Maybe he should check on another couple's room; maybe they need help on lighting their fireplace. Xavier then tells the camera 'It seems like she wants to stay on her side' Am I missing something here?
Billie and Tony add to their fun by getting dressed down to something more comfortable and turn off the lights and start making out. As things just get started, Tony walks to the bathroom and Billie follows and the door closes. All of sudden the sweet sounds of love fill the room where the cameras wont show.
DAY 2: Stephen and Denise are boating in the ocean watching the whales and holding each other close. Awww, I'm going to hurl.
Meanwhile, Cortez and Matt are suited up with their life jackets and get ready for their Cannery Row trip in the water. Cortez and Matt still haven't clicked here and they look like friends more than an engaged couple.
Kevin and Jill still haven't left their room and seemed to be having fun laughing together and kissing. They decided not to go on their mountain bike trip and continue flirting and kissing, kissing, kissing, kissing and more kissing, 'Lucky dog'.
Xavier and Jennifer go to the Bright Ranch and go horseback riding. They seemed like they were having fun and Xavier kept trying to make Jennifer feel more comfortable with him but Jennifer still didn't loosen up.
Tony and Billie went to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, an amusement park. This hot couple had the most fun going on the rides and enjoying their time. Tony even mentions that the trip was perfect for them because it brings out even more excitement that they feel about each other already. I think this couple is my favorite so far.
Back to Cortez and Matt rowing in the water - this couple didn't do much here but Cortez tells the audience 'I don't really feel any connection with him yet and hopes that she will soon.'
Later on in the evening, Cortez and Matt are back in their room and Matt says to Cortez that they 'should invent some imaginary friends, like another couple,' HUH?? This couple is going nowhere and fast. Cortez then grabbed Matt's wine and quickly drank it all, while Matt thinks Cortez is opening up. 'Poor man'
Tony and Billie were found having dinner and talking about where they were going to live and how she sees herself not asking him to move to New York, but rather to California. She goes on to say she thinks things are moving great and fast.
Cortez then starts to cry in front of the camera and explains that she doesn't feel right and she doesn't want to hurt him.
Xavier and Jennifer make it up to their room and Jennifer quickly says that she's tired and goes to bed. Where's the love again? Xavier says he doesn't know what it is but he wants to make it work. 'Why even bother?'
Denise and Stephen are back in their room as well after their boat trip and Stephen was pretty quiet and walks to the bathroom. Denise cries out her emotions to the camera and says that they still haven't kissed yet and its making her feel like she is doing something wrong.
DAY 3: Well its Day 3 and each couple gets the same card stating that they must begin planning their wedding and make a list of people up to 20.
As the couples do their thing and get prepared, they start to wonder who will be eliminated by the end of the night.
They all get ready and walk into the living room, where Dr. Jenn Berman, a Marriage and Family Therapist, Ms. P., a mother/grandmother who spends time talking and listening to people, and Don Elium, a Marriage and Family Counselor, are there to decide each couples fate. These three have been secretly watching the couples and will ask questions to each couple.
Stephen and Denise
Dr. Jenn Berman 'You guys are perfect on paper but when Denise gets affectionate with you, you start to cringe.'
Reply: 'I wouldn't say cringe but I felt a bit awkward and we need to take things slow and our own time.'
Ms. P. 'Do you feel attracted to her'
Reply 'Oh yea, definitely.'
Don Elium 'Are you frustrated with Stephen'
Reply ' I understand if he's not ready but I need more affection'
Jennifer and Xavier
Dr. Jenn Berman 'We noticed that last night when Xavier puts his arms around you, you stiffen up.'
Reply 'As far as the affection, that happened so late in the night and I don't like to be bothered that late in the night'
Don Elium 'Xavier from what I hear, ladies throw themselves on you and you get this lady who's not throwing herself on you'
Reply 'I actually like it to be honest with you, it's almost like a good pain and I guess you have to force yourself to be a better man and force yourself to be a better person in order to seduce her.'
Cortez and Matt
Dr. Jenn Berman 'I'm a little confused. You are so clearly attracted to her, why are you not making a move.'
Reply: 'She is very attractive and when it comes down to it I don't think she is attracted to me'
Ms. P. 'so you feel that way Cortez?''
Reply: 'We have so many things in common but do I feel anything?; No.'
Kevin and Jill
Don Elium 'Kevin you have been sleeping with Jill, sharing the shower and you have deep religion thoughts, how do you deal with that?' 'Are you comfortable with premarital sex?'
Reply: 'I have been in the shower with her and I give her privacy and I don't grope her but I am open to premarital sex.
Billie and Tony
Dr. Jenn Berman 'You are such a passionate couple. I feel like I have to be in a cold shower when I see you in a room together. One our concerns is, what happens when all of that passion hits a low?'
Reply: 'I don't think there's anything extraordinary with our passion right now. We are very comfortable with each other and I like kissing her and she likes kissing me.'
Don Elium 'You guys know the difference between love and love?'
Reply: 'When I look at Tony and he looks into my eyes, I can feel the depth and seriousness of the person that he is, so I don't think the passion would run out'
The panel got together and discussed silently which couple should be eliminated and when it came down to it, they handed their decision and chose Cortez and Matt to end their engagement. Cortez had to give her ring to Matt and Matt seemed pleased with the decision, rightfully so.
So Matt and Cortez said their goodbyes and went home. This goes to show just because you have many things in common with someone; it doesn't always mean that you have chemistry with them.
Next week, with only four couples left who will be eliminated next? Will it be Xavier and Jennifer (like I believe it will), or will it be Mr. non-affectionate Stephen and Denise? We shall soon see. Gordon will recap next week's show, so stay tuned and stay safe in time of war.
(Gordon Pepper)
Have you ever been in the situation where there was this rotten kid and no one wanted to baby sit for him? So in a compromise, everyone decide that they will each take turns watching the kid as he knocks over the food, pulls your hair, and makes your life generally miserable? Well, it's my turn to take care of the kid, otherwise knows as Married By America. Stop pooping on the rug, kid.
So we're down to four couples - and the only one that looks remotely happy is Billy Jean and Tony - theres a blatant physical connection and they continue to exploit it. The judges are wondering if it's just lust and not love - and that's pissing off the couple.
ON the other hand of the anti-love spectrum are Xavier and Jennifer, the prime targets of going next. Kevin and Jill are surprised at how that happened, and they think that they are in very good shape. Stephen and Denise are going the wrong way - Jennifer is just wayyyy to pressing for love and kisses - and it's annoying Stephen - and me as well. Is it just me, or is it that the women who's relationships are not working are falling apart simply because they are being too demanding too early?
Next morning, over breakfast, the couples get to move into their own home - their little villa, Denise and Stephen decide to have a cocktail party. I wouldn't call it a villa, though - but the house is nice. Tony thought that it was very romantic. In a less romantic atmosphere, Marcel says that they can be more romantic. Jill and Kevin think that it's a good test, and Stephen is hoping that the villa will calm Denise down.
It won't. Denise, who just can't leave a good thing alone, wants a kiss from Steven. He wants to do the chasing, and he wants Denise to do the running - that's not going to happen, and Stephen even said that if Denise shut up, he would have kissed her. But she's pressing, and she is annoying even me.
Billy Jeanne is falling into Tony, but she is afraid that it's too much, too soon. Tony is discussing his opinions on women, and you can see by Billie Jean's reaction that she is not 100% agreeing with what Tony is saying. Not a good sign.
It's time for the friends to show up. Usually, friends can be just as insightful, if not more so, than the couples. And it stays the same here. Billy Jeanne's friends come over and say that this is a good match. Marcel and Kevin's friends come over, while Denise's sister Dawn (who thinks that Stephen is a hottie) appears. Billie Jeanne's friends start asking questions - and they seem blatantly contrived - like the producer is asking them and not the friends. This seems really staged. Billy Jeanne even tells them to back off, adding that she would be devastated if Tony didn't feel the same way for her.
'I thought at this point, that they would be more comfortable with each other.' says Xavier's friends. Her sister nails it right on the head. 'She is not attracted to my brother.' Marcel adds 'The bottom line is that she's not into this - she's not into making this work.' I would be shocked if they are not the next couple to go.
Apparently, Kevin's friends didn't have many bad things to say - because we don't see much of him. Denise's sister, Dawn, however, also hits their problem right on the head - they need to communicate more and she is shocked that Denise hasn't gotten the passionate kiss. Dawn even tells Denise to not care about making out - which gets a dirty stare from Denise and she tells Dawn to back off. Meow, Meow, Meow.
'I don't want to force him into anything, but I need what I need' says Denise, as once again, she tries to get Stephen to kiss her, and once again he doesn't. Then Denise rants off as to what's wrong with her and Stephen has to calm her down. He finally gives in and kisses her. THAT turns into some behind the sheets moments, and maybe they have turned the corner.
What else would help turn the corner? A visit from a SEX therapist! After all the friends have gone, the couples get to meet with Dr. Pepper Schwartz as they talk about their sex lives - and try to hep them out. THis couldn't come at a better time for Denise, who looks like she would jump off the cliff if she didn't get any.
All of them talk about their fantasies. It seems to help Denise - as well as Jill. Denise dons the schoolgirl costume - and THAT turns Stephen into an animal. Billy Jeanne wears a French Maid outfit, and they also get down and dirty. Jill and Kevin have some fun in the pool - and then in the bathtub as they get Nice and sudsy. We don't see anything from Xavier and Jennifer. That should be a sign right there that they are not getting out of the second episode.
It's time to go back to the panel of three people - and they, of course, have seen the video footage and have debriefed the friends before-hand. We have the same music from Joe Millionaire in the scenes that they are all together. That's pretty cheap.
Kevin is asked about his income and he says that it's not important. jill says that she pays her own bills, and that she'd be willing save money now for the long run.
Denise was asked about Dawn's comments about the lack of communication, and she said she downplayed it to make her feel uncomfortable because they are communicating. Stephen says that they have no clue on what he's going through - but they say that they do - and they say that they notice that he's pulling back when it comes to being intimate. Stephen says that it's
They do a reverse in terms of Billie Jeanne and Tony, saying that the intimacy is the only part behind it. Tony takes offense, saying that they are not asking about any other part of the relationship and they are only picking on them in terms of the high value of intimacy instead of love, etc.
Now to Jennifer and Xavier. The board doesn't see anything going on and love - and they are accusing her to be nice as a front to rejecting her. She denies it - but Xavier says that she has been hurting him. Don accuses her of being cold, brittle and distant instead of opening up. Jennifer takes offense to that too. But let's face it - she's a witch. Everyone is taking offense to the three person panel today.
We come back with the verdict, and sure enough, Xavier and Jennifer are the ones to go. But not without a final shot from Jennifer. 'I was here because I am open to what you have to say about me, but I think that there's more constructive ways of telling people than using the words cold and brittle, and I think that if I went to a therapy session and I had somebody actually say that to me, then I think I would go out and find a new therapist.'
Ouch, I would agree that they were being harsh, but I think that they were on the money. In the words of Xavier, 'The panel put a mirror in front of her face and said this is who you are...the truth hurts.' Jen says that she does have feelings (though we haven't seen them on this show) and they both drive off in the night.
My take? There are 2 real easy reasons why this show is dropping in the ratings.
1. The 'panel' is not only unbelievable, they are not realistic and though they may be acting like this for the camera, is just doesn't come off well, and they look like morons.
2. This is the more important one. These couples are simply not likeable. Most of this is FOX's fault. We don't get to see any of the constructive things about them - we see the negative things about them instead. It may be drama TV, but it's not good TV because you are not giving anyone a couple to get behind. This is how Survivor - and American Idol work - they give you the personalities. This show doesn't.
Speaking of mean people, the couples get to take their others to meet the folks. I'm sure hilarity will ensue....yawwwwwwwwn.....
(Gordon Pepper)
So we have a lovely wodnderful moments with the couples - until the are invited to spend the weekend with the folks. Uh-oh.
Billy Jeanne and Tony come first - Billie Jeanne likes the house - but it could do with some remodelling. Tony wants nothing to do with that, saying that his frat boys like the house like it. His Frat Boys?
Next up is a visit to Jill's place. Daddy is very over-protective - like when he tells Kevin that 10 days is not a long enough time to be engaged and to get married. Apparently, Jill's dad has been living under a rock and has forgotten the premise of why that are there in the first place. And daddy seperates them into their own rooms, to boot. Are we supposed to be liking thses people or are we just staring at their utter cluelessness?
We get the same response from Steen's parents - but at least they snicker at the thought of them sharing the same bed for 7 days. Unbeknownst to them, it's been exactly and only that - just sharing, and not necessarily implementing any action on the bed.
'My family is Dysfunctional with a capital D' says Jill. Apparently, they get to see how the other half lives - here comes Kevin's family - mom, dad and Maureen the sister. We have a big Italian get-together. 'I think Kevin would fit right in' says Tony, Jill's dad. With Kevin's strict religious parents? I don't think so. Jill adds 'I was nervous to find out how they were going to react to my past?' What sort of past? A Trenyce sort of pass or a Frenchie Martin sort of past?
Let's see if things are better in Tony and Billie Jeanne's neck of the woods. They meet Tony's family and everything seems well - until the last toast, where Billie Jeanne adds 'To beers, cheers and queers.' - not something you want to say to a conservative family.
Maybe some friends will help lighten the mood. Billie Jeanne and Tony's come down and hang out. Bender, Tony's friend, wonders what sort of housewife Billie Jeanne will be, but he also says that Tony is infatuated with her. So far, so good.
Savona's Plza Pizza is the destination for Stephen and Denise. This is a romantic evening dinner? Yuck. Well, it's a good place to meet family members and relatives, which is what happens. Denise's family comes through ther door, and they are followed by Stephen's family. Everyone felt comfortable. Dawn, the pain in the ass from last week, is very happy about the fact that they are more romantic towards each other.
Stephen pulls the classy move of the evening, and asks Denise's father for his daughter's hand in marraige. Lots of brownie points. 'I think they are going to make a great couple.' says Denise's dad. Stephen may be the only person who got along with all of the fmaily members.
Tony decides to ask Billie Jeanne's father - but she doesn't have one. The closest person is Duane. Duane gives a goofy smile to the camera, but says yes, and he also thinks that it's a classy move as he is crying to the camera. Awwwwbarf.
Duane then loses it - much less awwww and much more barrrrrrf. He breaks down and wails to Billie Jeanne about hos he loses his roommate and he's tired of the whole scenario. He feels like he is the loser and everyone is having a good time escept him. He plays the role of the psychotic gay person who's splitting up with his man - and I guess for him, it is, because he is losing his best friend. Man, this guy, who is not in touch with reality apparently, is getting unhinged at the seams. Even Billie Jeanne is concerned. Dude, build a bridge and get over it.
We finally get to hear Jill's past - she posed for Playboy. And she may want to do it again. This freaks out Kevin's parents, and not even Kevin is too happy about the fact that she would do it again. Kevin calls her 'sweetie', and that unhinges Jill's dad, who tells him to call her Jill Marie. That doesn't work, and Tony goes off on him. Maureen, Kevin's sister, gets on Tony and chaos ensues.
These people are all psychotic. If these main people aren't likeable to you, you can clearly see why - their parents are even less likeable (if you can believe that). Jill believes that she is not going to be accepted by Kevin's family. I would't accept her if I had to get authority-dad as part of the deal.
'Once Kevin gets to know me and I get to know Kevin, I can get to be one Hell of a nice guy.' says Tony. I don't think that's going to happen - but he does turn nice when Kevin asks Tony for Jill's hand in marraige. Jill's mom seems to be nice and optimistic about the whole thing.
Back to Billie Jeanne - and her mouth. Tony decides to have a chat with her on that, as Tony's parnets seemed very offended by it - and brings up the cheers, beera and queers comment. 'I'm not sure if she;s girlfriend material, or wife material or somewhere in between...I can't wait to get back to the apartment and to decompress for a while.'
So we're done with the parental problems - but back to the lack of emotional problems with Stephen and Denice. 'It's difficult' says Denise. Jill is concerned about the panel's reaction to the feuding families. Tony and Billie Jeanne - well, they aren't really concerned about anything.
Billie Jeanne and Tony are first - and Billie Jeanne may have to choose between Duane and Tony. Billie Jeanne says that she would pick Tony because she's fallen in love with him. Tony looks VERY uncomfortable about that, and he says that he wants to make sure that ths can survive on it's own. Billie Jeanne sees that - and looks very concerned.
Stephen says that the chemistry has grown, but you can see that he hasn't gotten to that point of love. Denise still hasn't gotten the aggressiveness from Steven that she is looking for. She is disappointed in the fact that Stephen has pulled back - and one of the women thinks that they are here on pretense and not on love. Ouch.
On to Jill and Kevin and Playboy. Jill is convinced that she wants to go back, while Kevin is having a very hard time about it. They bring back the qrgument and they squabble about it - but they agree that they want the other person to be the first influence.
It seems easy to see where this one is going - and it is just that. Denise and Stephen, despite making progressions, are not progressing enough, and the panel decides that it's time for them to go. It's now Denise's turn to break down and she gets back into her 'why me - I feel really dejected' spiel - especially when Stephen said that the chemistry wasn't as far along as he wanted. Once again, Denise is rejected.
'I had that gut feeling that this is not the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with - and I couldn't fake it.' says Stephen. 'I felt hurt, betrayed and disrespected.' replies Denise. 'I was true to myself and I was honest, and that's all that really matters.' says Denise. You were also whiny, overbearing, and not open to criticism, and that's why you're gone.
So we're down to Tony and Billie Jeanne vs. Jill and Kevin. Barring Tony and Billie Jeanne doing something stupid, this is their marraige to lose - but this is Fox, so there will be plenty of stupidty abound on our next episode.
(Gordon Pepper)
Well, since the GRAND FINALE is next week, I'm expecting what I usually see for an hour every Monday night at 9pm - garbage. ONe hour of filler. We don't get it on American Idol, but we will get it here. Yuck.
We start the hour of pain with Tony and Billy Jeanne attempting to renew their love right after the meeting with the guidance counselors, especially after his comments about he thought this was moving too quickly. We have an equal amount of trouble in Jill and Kevin's camp, as although they toast later on that night, they are still haunted by the comments earlier of them not being true to each other.
Let's break here for a quick editorial. There is no way that I see either of these couples lasting for a month after the wedding. Didn't work for Joe Millionaire. Didn't work for the first two bachelors. It looks like from early indications that it didn't work for the third and current bachelor. Though I do admire the fact that they are doing this with the couples together and that they are not waiting for months to hook up together, I don't see it here.
We start the morning with a breakfast with the 2 remaining couples. The panel will be the guide and confidantes - BUT they will no longer be the judges. The AUDIENCE is the judges. If the couple that the audience vote for says I do, they get $500,000 worth of goodies (including $100,000 in cash). If they stay together for a year, then they get a house.
They are all talking about the money now. Way to go - there is no way that either of them will turn down the money. Will they last for a year? I doubt it - but who needs to? For $500,000, I would say I do to Leona Helmsley - and see the relationship last for a week. If FOX really wanted to be interesting, they'd reverse it - give them the house, and THEN the $500,000 worth of goodies if they stay together for a year.
But it's not my game, it's theirs. The next item of fun for their game is a visit from Jill's sister Jennifer and Kevin's friend Robert. Jen is there to take Jill for a wedding dress. Bender (Tom's best man) and Paige (Billie Jeanne's friend) do the same for the other couple.
We get to see the ladies try on their dresses - and they both believe that it's a dream come true. Meanwhile, Tony wants to look like Ricky Martin. 'Does my ass look fat?' Well, he is definitely sounding like Ricky Martin. Bender is upset that he's losing a friend. Bender and Billie Jeanne's psychopathic mentor Duane need to get together and maybe they can have their own Married By America moment.
Both couples come back to see a note telling them that they are both going to Vegas for their own respective bachelor (and bachelorette) parties. Billie Jeanne is excited. Tony? 'I'm scared because I have cheated on my girlfriend in Vegas before, and I don't want to hurt Billie Jeanne.' Uh-oh...
The next morning arrives - and so does the driver for Billie Jeanne. 't will be nice to get a little alone time for both of us, I think' says Tony. That does NOT sound like someone who wants to be married. Sure enough, the men and women are separated and they can go their own way.
'The bachelor party is not something to fear, but something to embrace.' says Tony. Billie Jeanne and Jill are embraced by all of their friends and relatives. The women get to hang out at the Aladdin. Billie Jeanne and Jill propose - to themselves. They dance, get crazy - and this was just amongst the women. Then the male gigolos come in and the women do what most wacky women do - they party. This is truly FOX's women gone wild.
Here come the men, and it's the guys turn to be seduced by the female party favors. They take off Tony's clothes and put him on all fours and spank him. The women get a stripper and have fun with her - yes, her. A FEMALE stripper, and they have more fun with her than with the male stripper. Wha?
Billie Jeanne sees that Jill is slowly doing less things with a stripper, which leads her to say, 'The bottom line is that Jill is worried about what Kevin thinks - and that bugs me.' Uhhh...shouldn't you be worried about it, too? Billie Jeanne gets upset with Jill, and tells Jill to be herself. Jill draws the line and will not lick whipped cream off of the strippers boobs. 'I'm ok with what I did - and what I didn't do.' Billie Jeanne is upset and misses Tony.
Tony is not missing Billie Jeanne that much, and he gets dragged into another room with a stripper. Kevin is laying down with a stripper, but he's not into it and his friend sees it. His friend gets rid of the stripper and Kevin is missing Jill too. Awwwwwwbarf. Tony has no problems kissing the stripper before the wedding - 'It's when you kiss a stripper after the wedding that the trouble begins.' I think the trouble is already beginning...
We have come to the morning after - day 15 to be exact - and Jeanne Marie and Billie Jeanne has a heart-to-heart during breakfast. 'I know I have a guy who's a great guy, ad he's not going to disappoint me.'Jeanne Marie tells her to just be true to herself. Tony and Bender also have a heart-to-heart - and Bender wonders if he is ready for the marriage with the stripper. He says it was only kissing and that was it - and he doesn't consider it cheating.
Kevin's turn for breakfast - and it's more of a real heart-to-heart - like the Playboy issue, which he doesn't ever want to see again. He also thinks that he needs to speak to Jill and let everything out. Jill does have a concern - and it's about finances. Kevin still doesn't have a job - and he's 34.Jill wants to talk to Kevin about his goals and getting him to follow those goals.
The trip is over - and it's time to go back to the villa - with the horses (which Billie Jeanne says hi to). The couples reunite 'I wasn't pining over not having Billie Jeanne...but I was happy to see her when I got home.' Tony tells her everything, including being spanked - and the kiss. Billie Jeanne tells him about her encounter with the female stripper - and she was hurt a little by Tony's kissing, reiterating that 'once we say I do, that's it, there's no more'.
Jill and Kevin come back - and it's cuddle time. They have no problem getting intimate and although they have questions to be asked, they will asked them after they massage each other.
It's time for them to go back to listen to Moe, Larry, and Curly...I mean the panel of judges. No couples will be eliminated tonight, but after this, the audience has the final say. He says that the audience will take what happens now as the most important pieces of info - I doubt it, and for the 30 people watching, they have probably made their mind up long before this segment.
Jill and Kevin go first - they both want to have 2-4 kids. They even talked about kids names, and Tony gave a noticeable grimace while Jill and Kevin were talking about it.
Kevin was asked about being the breadwinner - he replies by saying that it won't matter - however it gets done, it gets done. Kevin says that he can pay the rent for a while. He can probably do it more so with the money. Jill says that Kevin can find himself and she will help him do it if need be. 'Kevin needs a strong person to give him direction.' Kevin is asked that "Sure - don't you?...i have a great family and friends and a wonderful person sitting next to me...I want to get to know more and more about her.' Jill seems very satisfied with Kevin's answer - and for the first time in the show, so am I.
Tony and Billie Jeanne are asked about a 'switch' moment - and Tony says that she is learning more and more about her. Billie Jeanne is asked about trust - and she trusts him completely. She is asked about Vegas, and if she loves him. She responds that she wanted to wait until the wedding and she says that she loves him. Tony is asked the same question, and he says that it's an evolving relationship. He says that it hasn't clicked on yet. UH-OH. BIG Warning Flags go on right now. Billie Jeanne tries to downplay it that she feels it in her heart 'When you fall in love, then you tell me, and I'll be waiting until then.'
The host then tells the couples that it's up to the audience. The panel's work is done. The vote is now in your hands.
I have to disagree with myself earlier. The last segment WAS the most important - and it was good enough for me to change my mind. Jill and Kevin are in love with each other. Billie Jeanne is in love with Tony, but Tony is NOT in love with Billie Jeanne. The final little thing from Tony could even have been a plea to the audience to not vote for him. That is enough for me to vote for Jill and Kevin.
So we see clips of the 2 hour finale. Wait a sec....if they are supposed to wait for the audience's decision, then how in the world can we be seeing clips from the finale if no one knows the results of it because it's pending the audiences vote? I smell something fishy here....we'll see if the final episode is a whopper or the one that got away.....
(Gordon Pepper)
Will Kevin and Jill get married? Will Tony and Billie Jeanne get married? Will either of them be married? And who gets the money? Does the audience care?
We won't know about the last one - but we will find out about the first four in the next 2 hours.
We start with the obligatory recap about how they got here. We see the fact that they are in the final stages of this game - and are in the final two. We also see their drawbacks - Kevin is not thrilled about Jill's past, and Tony seems to not be thrilled about Billie Jeanne, period. I don't see either of these relationships lasting. I didn't see any of these 5 relationships lasting.
According to the announcer, the couples have been living together for 4 weeks, but according to the opening graphic, it's day 17. That would mean that they are living together for 2 1/2 weeks. Wha? Typical FOX shenanigans.
Jill and Kevin seem ready - or as ready as they are going to be. Tony looks sort-of ready - and Billie Jeanne gives us one of I'm sure a ton of annoying flashbacks of the earlier part of the show. They have brunch with Jill and Kevin, as Jill tells him that she's driving. Meow.
Sean comes up - and it's time for wedding preparations. It's time for some soul-searching. They will be getting their marriage licenses right after brunch - and three days later, they will be going to the altar and making their decision in front of their families right before getting married. This is just a disaster waiting to happen. BIllie Jeanne is worried that he will say no - her fear is justified, as it sounds like Tony is trying to figure a way to get out of this. Kevin has no problems with the marriage - but it's now Jill that has doubts. Uh-oh. This is not sounding like 2 happy couples here.
Kevin talks to his best man and brother - Sean. Or it would be the best man, but he decides that he's against this whole thing and he will not be the best man. Is it just me or are there people who are coming to their senses and thinking that this is a big sham? He talks to Jill about it - and it hurt both of them - but that may be the light shining through.
Meanwhile, we are at the wedding registration place, and Tony is definitely having second thoughts. 'The lady is typing away...The every click of the type is one more nail in my coffin.' I don't see any possible way that either of these two are going to be married = and I think the show is setting us up as much. Joe Millionaire ending, this ain't.
There is a letter waiting for the couples when they come back - they now have to go and write up their wedding vows. Everyone is nervous - I'm just sort of disgusted. Billie Jeanne knows what she is going to say. Tony knows too. Uh-oh. Billie Jeanne asks Tony if he wants Chicken Cordon Bleu. 'Whatever' answers Tony. She is trying to get an answer out of Tony in terms of chicken, but Tony says that she should be thinking more about her. This turns into a spat. I am completely convinced about 2 things - 1. These people aren't going to be married. 2. Tony and Billie Jeanne's wedding is going to be a disaster and the full video tape will be on for sale at the next Pay Per View - Marriages Gone WIld and Wrong.
Billie Jeanne writes up a letter to Tony wondering what is wrong. Tony reads it - and now he's nervous - as he should be. How in the world is he going to break this to Billie Jeanne - or is he going to be a complete moron and save it until the wedding?
Morning 18 - Tony is very bewildered. It seems like if this was a normal relationship, both of these couples could be married - but not this soon. Both couples meet the pastor that will be uniting them in marriage. He gives a lecture, and Billie Jeanne is comforted. This is also the first time that she knows that Tony has a lot of doubt and is afraid. He's seen unsuccessful marriages and he doesn't want to be in it for only a few years. Billie Jeanne is rightfully frustrated, but she thinks that it could work. I don't know...
We have dinner for the night at Jill and Kevin's - and Kevin has no best man. Jill is upset about that. Jill suggests a member of her family - flashback to her family's psycho night with Kevin. Kevin absolutely wants no part of that in the best man group. That starts Jill thinking that Kevin may not be the right one for her family. We are now zero for two in the marriage department.
Back to Tony and Billie Jeanne's dinner. She tries to make up and tells him that she loves him. Tony responds by saying that he is not in love with her right now. Billie Jeanne still wants the wedding go through, saying that he's scared, and that's what is triggering this. Well, Tony did tell her, but she refuses to believe it. She's sweet - but she's seeing the signs and she's still not responding. This is trouble. It gets even more so when a letter comes out saying that they have to be separated. Both Kevin and Jill seem sad when they get the news. Billie Jeanne is upset, while Tony is relieved. That's a very bad sign.
Day 19 has arrived. The wedding is tomorrow. Billie Jeanne is getting second thoughts - then realize that he needs to let go. Message to Billie Jeanne - you don't get MARRIED thinking that the other person needs to let go. Tony says that a part of him is missing - but it's difficult to be away from her. I can see Tony's plight - what can you do when the woman doesn't accept no?
Jill is nervous. So is Kevin. Their parents come over - and they say the same thing. Neither family is for it, but they'll deal with it as long as the other person is happy. Jills dad (though he likes Jill in the wedding dress) is against it, but the mom is for it. Kevin's whole family agrees with his brother and they don't like the idea either.
Here come's Billy Jeanne's psychotic mentor Duane, shoe happy for her. Maybe Billie Jeanne's and Kevin's family should get together. A family of psychopaths. Gee, what a hoot. Bender comes over to him and tells him to be happy. He is not in favor of the wedding either - and notices that Tony hasn't said the 'L' word. (LOVE). I see another L word coming up - LEFT. As in Left at the altar.
Kevin decides that the person that he wants to see replace his brother is his best friend Robert, who would be honored to do so. Paige and Billie Jeanne has a heart-to-heart, and she is convinced that Tony would tell her before-hand if he wasn't going to go through with it. Really? heh heh heh...
We start the second hour with Tony's dinner - and his friends trying to talk him out. Are any of these people wanting any of the two couples to get married? Duane, the psychotic one does and so do Tony's parents, but the parents have a look of concern on their face as well. Tony's friends (except Bender) all think that he's not going to go through with it. While the parents think that she's the best one that Tony's been with, I think that the friends know best.
Onto Kevin's night before party. The family says Grace, and Kevin's family works on him to call off the wedding. The family talks about Jills issues, and Playboy is the major factor. Kevin says that she won't do it again, but the damage is done. Jill starts ranting off on Kevin at the family, and it looks like the family of one of the people has finally made their mark and have taken their first victim - Jill. She is convinced that Kevin is still attached to his mother - and that he may not be attached to his wife. That seems to seal the deal.
Day 20 comes up - and its the wedding day! It's also the last day of the show! YAY! Everyone is getting dressed up - and Jill has a final heart-to-heart with her parents. Kevin can't wait to tell her how much he cares for her - and he seems ready to propose. The problem is that I don't think that Jill thinks the same way.
Over to the other side - Billie Jeanne is hoping that nothing bad happens. Tony is ready - 'Once Im up there and I hear the words - I just might change my mind' that sounds like someone who is going to say 'I Don't'.
Here comes Sean. He gets a last second talk with everyone - and they are all ready. Billie Jeanne has found a guy and she's ready. I sort of feel bad for Billie Jeanne, she's about to be shattered into millions of little pieces - but she should have seen it coming.
We star with jill and Kevin's wedding. I'm going to skip through all of the 'I don't know if I'm ready' garbage, because we all know that you guys want to get down to the meaty stuff. We see the procession, blah blah blah, the look on everyone's faces (that they REALLY don't want to see this happening), blah blah blah...It's funny. With all of those intros, they say that they love the other person
We start with the vow reading. Jill goes first - she says that everything happens for a reason and that she looks forward to the future. Kevin says that
she is everything that he is looking for.
The pastor asks Jill if she will take him as her husband, and she says that she wants to wait until they get to know each other better and that being like this is how it should be for now. Jill's mom is shocked, Jill's dad is smiling, and even Kevin's family is breathing a sigh of relief. Kevin is shocked a little, but he says that he would have said I do, but he's willing to wait. Jill says that it's the fact that Kevin has no job or sense of direction that was the final deal-breaker. 'Kevin needs to find himself before he can give himself to another person'.
Is anyone surprised? No, Everyone says that this is the best thing to happen, Of course Jill's dad was thrilled, but even Kevin's family was shedding tears of happiness. The only person that wasn't happy was Kevin, but even he sees that it's for the best. Then again, it looks like he was drinking a lot of booze before, during, and after the session. Burp. This may have been the best wedding that never happened.
That was from the couple who I though would have had some sort of shot at this. Now we will go to the couple that I think has NO chance of having a wedding.
But don't tell Billie Jeanne that. She is having the time of her life. Everyone on Billie Jeanne's side is happy and smiling, but everyone on Tony's side is looking visibly concerned. It looks like they all know something that Billie Jeanne's side is about to find out...
We come down to the vows - Billie Jeanne says "I do". It's time for Tony's turn to speak. Here we go... "I've absolutely no about about you...you know that my feelings are not the level that yours are. If I asked you to, you would love of me in you. I couldn't ask you to do that. You deserve to be up there with somebody who loves you as much as you love them, and at this points, that not where I am. I couldn't live with myself if I didn;t have those feelings. I'm sorry.'
If Billie Jeanne's head was not connected to her body, it would have fallen off the floor. Duane looks like he wants to take Tony's head off of his body and bounce it up and down on the floor. Billie Jeanne runs off while Duane calls him a loser. 'And you asked for my blessing?' he yells as he follows after Billie Jeanne.
Billie Jeanne goes to hide into a closet. Duane, who looks like he's had as much to drink as Kevin did, is now looking to go After Tony - not that I can blame him. 'He's going to fry in Hell for this.' Tony probably wants to hide into his own closet right about now.
'You can tell her now, or you can crush her in 6 months.' That comes from Tony's dad, as he and Bender tell him that he did the right thing. I don't disagree with it - but why at the wedding? He would have done it way before the wedding - but of course, that wouldn't make good television.
Duane doesn't find Tony - but he does find Bender, and they get into it while Duane smashes the bottle all over the place. That fracas convinces Tony's parents to have Tony talk to Billie Jeanne.
Tony and Billie Jeanne finally meet up - it it looks forced, contrived and like a bad soap opera. I'm not even going to go through the quotes, because it was so contrived. Tony doesn't want to hurt her, but at least in a show of integrity, he is more concerned about the relationship than the grand prize. They decide at that point to stop making contact with each other and BIllie Jeanne leaves, saying that she wants to be alone. Tony realizes that he should gave gone through with it. Oops.
So we have a double whammy (yes the one with the people covered in rice). Everyone is covered in rice, but not love - and not money, as the $500,000 worth of goodies gets saved in the budget. For the record, Jill and Kevin would have won the big prize, as that was who the audience voted for.
We end this with a final Where Are They Now motif...
Matt and Cortez have not spoken to each other (shocker).
Xavier and Jennifer have not spoken to each other (shocker). Xavier is dating a woman that he met - WHILE he was on the show. Well, that's a good way to rebound now, isn't it?
Denise and Stephen have not spoken to each other (shocker). Denise wants to get in touch with Stephen, Stephen wants nothing to do with Denise.
Billie Jeanne and Tony have kept in contact and will try to make things work out. Yeah, ok, sure, good luck.
Jill and Kevin, the only group with any hope, are still in a sort-of relationship. They are still engaged, which is nice, and Kevin is going to move to NYC. Whether or not it will be with Jill is another story. That's if, fade to black.
My take? Well the last episode ALMOST gave me cause to redeem the human spirit. Sanity finally grabbed some of the people, no marriages happened, no fairy tale ending, and proof that the sanctity of marriage was worth more than $500,000.
That being said, the show still sucked. It was a sham from Day 1. When the announcer says that they have been together for 4 weeks and the experiment didn't even clear the 3 week mark, then that raises eyebrows. Can FOX EVER be honest about a show?
If you REALLY want to do a relationship based show, then do it over the Summer, wrap it around to May, and do the finals LIVE with the marriage. That's close to a year in terms of a relationship.
Oh wait, they already have that one. It's called life.
Needless to say, this goes down with Hot Or Not for biggest stinkers of the season, and if FOX was smart, they would divorce this one from a second season.
