LOVE CRUISE

EPISODE RECAP #5
By reality editor, Gordon Pepper

(For information on the players, visit FOX.com)

So we now have half of the crew in the land of diving and bitching about their teammates, and the other half of the crew in the land of nanny goats and bitching about their roommates. And judging about the fact that they put all the nasty juicy bits in the last week's recap, it looks like we're going to be seeing more of a version of 'Hate Cruise' than Love Cruise...

Michael discusses his Chi-Town four idea with the rest of us (not that we can't figure this one out ourselves) - now that the group is in half, you can ride the alliance into the final two and may the best couple win. (It's no longer looking for love, its now Survivor on a boat). Michael brought in Melissa and Ralph, and Ralph brought in Toni. Ralph bringing in Toni is the official dumbass move of the episode, because if Ralph the toesucker has any brains in his head, Toni is the LAST person they want bring on - they all know that Toni and Andrea are an item (in a non-homosexual way (thank, you Rudy)). Michael gets the runner-up dumbass award - if he was smart, he would have brought in Andrea and Toni and booted out Melissa. They would have cruised into the finals with no problems. But I digress. On with the sumary...

Back to the recoupling - and the women get to pick. Everyone gets to switch partners. Michael goes with Andrea, Ralph/Tomiko, Darin/Melissa and Toni/Anthony. It is pointed out that some one in the alliance will get the Switch Card, but they're wrong - only ONE of the two people in the couple get the Switch Card, so it is very possible that an alliance member does not get the card.

Darin and Melissa talk about whether or not these feelings that they have for each other are more than just being on a ship with a shot at $200,000. Ralph is wondering why Tomiko, the girl thats been trying to get him off of the boat since day one, wants to hang out with him now. Gee, I don't know - could it be because you've gotten rid of everyone that she's been hanging out with?

Here's where Ralph deserves to get the Dumbass Award. Toni has a mouth thats even bigger than the artificial boobies that she has. She, of course, tells Andrea about the foursome. The catch is that she has Andrea believing that she is the fourth person in the group - and not Melissa. Michael decides to go along with this and not saying anything to her. Playing the role of Lisa this episode will be Michael.

Oh - remember in the earlier episodes when I mentioned that Melissa has a boyfriend (yes, I really really did - check out the earlier episode). Thats comes back to bite her in the fanny as after hemming and hawing in the hot seat about her feelings for Darin, they are the bickering couple at the end of the evening. Melissa weasels it out with 'Well, I don't know how long we're (her and the boyfriend at home) going to last'. If you win the money, not that long. If you don't, we get to hear, 'Oh honey, you know I didn't really meeeeeeaan to say those things on TV...'

Meanwhile, back in Skankville, Aruba, where the losers are, everyone has gotten tired of playing with the nanny goats and we hear endless whining from Laura and Lisa, who ironically, did it to themselves. The only person who I really feel sorry for is Bob, who got booted by trying to be chivalrous. And by the way, if you really feel bad - I'll use the switch card and I'll play with the goats while you get to take a nice 2 hour commute (both ways) and work 9 hours a day by a computer terminal.

Back on the boat, and of course, by now, everyone knows that there's an alliance going on. Andrea wants in, and Melissa, speaking to Darin about how wonder ful he is, wants out. She wants to stay with Darin and by this time, you get that feeling that Melissa and Darin are the next ones that get to feed grass to the goats.

Meanwhile, Michael tells Melissa what's been going on and Melissa asks to dropped out from the foursome because of what Michael has done. Now if Michael kept his mouth shut and let Melissa talk to him saying that she wanted to drop out, then there is no problem, but the biggest downfall of people on this show is to blab when they should keep their big yap shut. To keep Andrea happy, Michael explains to her that Melissa is part of the group, which she says ok - but she is not really a good math major here. Ralph + her + Toni + Michael + Melissa = 5. You can't have 5 people in the final four. Michael has also figured out that Toni is now the queen in the game of chess that Mike's been playing - she is now the biggest threat.

Instead of a competition based on this episodes' theme - committment (bwa ha ha ha ha), we have the 'Poloaroid (must get in that blatant commercial sponsor) Lost Love Switch.' Anyone who wants to can put a picture of themself in a drawing, and whoever gets picked gets to send the person that they are with now over to Skankville and can pick someone from there to bring back. Surprisingly, only one person puts their name in the drawing - but not surprisingly, it is Michael. That allows him to get rid of a major problem - Andrea. In the monkey crap quote of the evening - Michael says that Andrea and Toni wanted to get Jeanette back on the island, to he did it for them. This, of course, is a huge steaming pile of monkey crap and everyone knows it.

Jeanette, of course, is thrilled that she doesn't have to feed the goats anymore, so she is more than happy to come on board. Lisa and Laura want Jeanette to do one thing - get Anthony off the boat, so that they can feed HIM to the goats.

Toni, of course, goes nutso on Michael and Michael better be glad that there wasn't a jury vote on this episode, or he is all sorts of Iloveyoubuhbye. I think there is a bell somewhere on the boat for you to ring, Mike, and you can transfer the extra weight in your gut to make a nice hunch on your back...

Michael tells Melissa that Toni and Andrea manipulated the whole situation. Melissa doesn't seem to buy it. But her tune changes when Jeanette gets on the boat. Toni's tune, on the other hand, is sour for Michael and says that she will protect her if she gets the switch card - in return - she makes a split the jackpot if either of them happen to win deal with Jeanette, who agrees. Can anyone else smell a backstab coming from miles here?

Well, so there is a couples competition after all, and since they are in the Netherands, the men get to sled the women across the sand. Anthony/Toni and Darin/Melissa advance to the final round, where the team has to hold on to chinup bar. Weight proves to be the disadvantage here, as Toni and her superboobies go down in flames (or at least in silicon). Melissa gets the switch card, which makes her decision next episode very interesting - stay the course, or create a new alliance?

And if she creates a new alliance, it probably wont have both Anthony and Michael in it together. They get into a catfight as Anthony, who is probably the last person to figure out that there was an alliance brewing, tries a last ditch effort to make Mike look bad.

No one is safe on the boat - everyone has someone out to get them. Which makes Melissa's choice all the more interesting...

To be Continued...