THE RECAPS
STORMSEEKER.COM RECAPS! Reality writer Chico Alexander provides recaps of each show.

October 20, 2003
Eight months ago, the last go-around with "Joe Millionaire" ended not as it should have. Basically put, we went four hours over. Zora and Evan have parted ways ever since, and Fox has been put in a position of dominance over the other 43 bazillion networks, American Juniors notwithstanding.

So for eight months, we were left with wondering how the heck Fox would manage to do it a second time. Especially since a) it's really something that can only be done once, and b) it has been billed as "the lie that went global". Hell, my brother D watched the end... in Australia.

But Fox being, well, Fox, they can't just let sleeping dogs lie. And who's to blame them. After three episodes of filler and a post-game show, we get to be front row to the complete non-action of Joe Millionaire and his woman...

So here we are, with fourteen refined (heh, yeah) European women competing for the affection of one strapping hunk of American rodeo cowboy. And to assist in his efforts, our trusty butler Paul is back in commission. So fasten your seatbelts, put all your trays in the upright position, and chuck all of your N-Gage systems out of the window, because it's time to meet... the next Joe Millionaire.

First off, the ladies, all gorgeous, all refined, and, since they never even heard of "Joe Millionaire", all emergent from living in various rocks: Caterina (Cat), Johanna, and Jerusha from Germany; Olinda and Lina from Sweden; Kristyna, Tereza, Karolina, and Linda from the Czech Republic; Anique and Petra from the home of Lingo, the Netherlands; and Yassamin, Alessia, and Giada from Italy. "Women around the world have a lot in common. Some are nice, some are not so nice, and some are only in it for the money," states Paul. And, if the Fox shirts have their way, one of them will fall in love with this guy...

David Smith, "the next Joe Millionaire." Occupation: champion bronco buster. Salary: $11,000. Humble and raised Southern, his forms of entertainment include the adrenaline rush on the rodeo and his dog. His opinion on the ideal woman can be summed up in this phrase: "You don't want some girl cussin', you know, and bein' like a guy." Unfortunately, buckle bunnies won' t do it for him.

Oh yeah, did we mention that he's supposedly worth $80 million in oil?

David arrives in Italy to meet Paul at Villa Oliva, where most of the action will take place. But what will take David aback more, the spacious surrounding, the indoor waterfall, or having to remember that he's not in the South anymore and that he and his staff of five will have to play by the rules of the wealthy? Apparently neither. The hardest thing so far? Learning the languages. That's next morning. Seven. Sharp.

Before that, though, he has to learn that Paul is Paul, not "sir", Paul. Easy to understand right? So we also get into the "hello"s and world capitals. He learns of Holland and says "That's where they wear the wooden shoes."

Oh s(^_^).

Crack of noon, and the women start packing up and heading for the villa. They pretty much have David pegged on, especially Johanna. Except for Karolina, who thinks that David is a girl.

Once they arrive and unpack, and fawn themselves at the living space, we meet the final player, hostess Samantha Harris (who also hosts G4's "Players"). Good news: She's no Alex McLeod. Bad news: she'll prolly end up with as much face time. Which is a shame, because this one looks like she actually has a pulse. She tells the ladies of David's true cowboy background and untrue millions. Oh, you're still thinking about the cowboy thing, aren't you? Well, for 80 mill, you'll let out a rebel yell, won't ya?

So we learn that most of these women are really... really superficial. And they can't dance. And once they get hammered, they can remember the Dallas theme.

Next morning, the staff complains about being kept up AND having to wake up the little lushes. Having nothing to do until David shows up, the ladies hit the pool. Linda was expecting a banker from Hollywood. She also thinks that ranchers live on ranches and eat ranch dressing everyday. While I can't assess the last statement, I can tell you to expect some serious culture shock.

While they're partying, David gets to choose the mighty steed with which he will officially make his entrance as "the next Joe Millionaire". "I ride bucking horses for a living." Well, he has his time with one who's got only a little fight in him, and one who has too much. "Then they brought out a horse named Hurricane." Steady as your usual Palomino is (my friend Chris rides show horses and breeds her own), he was the total package. "Hurricane definitely caught my eye. You're definitely the horse, my friend. Hurricane, he resembles me." David, the point of this series is to choose a woman, not a horse.

MEANWHILE... More Southern jokes than I can pack into one recap. Hope they don't get too drunk, because tomorrow morning, their knight in shining stirrups arrives. Noon. Sharp.

"I have to look them straight in the eyes, and not be honest! I never told a lie this big in my life." David says as he readies himself for his noonlight ride. So if he's arriving at noon, why do the ladies get up at eight? Because Paul has to make sure they are adequately fed before David arrives. Luckily, there isn't a dress free-for-all, but we do question whether he's ever been clubbing. Well, Johanna does, anyway.

David rides up on Hurricane, which I guess can count as a player in this edition. According to Paul's watch, he's right on time. "He likes you!" David says as Hurricane comes to a stop. Being noble in his intro, David makes with the small talk and bright smiles, as he and Hurricane ride back into the... (Alessia: "Hey, where're you going? Stay with us and have some fun!"). Hold on, I'm getting there! Anyway, David rides into the sunset, and the ladies look forward to the evening get together. But what will happen when these very different ladies from very different backgrounds find out that, at the end of the night, only eleven of them will be sticking around?

We'll see. Until then, I will be right here, watching the Survivor. *tips glass*

October 27, 2003
Previously, we met the staff, we met David, we met 14 European women, we met Paul... again, we met Samantha, we met Hurricane... and that was it. Not that darn eventful. But hopefully, it'll be more eventful, as we start out by getting rid of three ladies from the get-go.

That's right. We start by finishing off. First things first. Someone told me about a ball. "I thought I was at the Playboy mansion or something!" David noted upon seeing the ladies for the first time. "They probably think I have the world right now." The ladies seem to love him. Hope Davey Boy's taking detailed notes, because at the end of the night, three of them are going home.

The ladies start getting ready. Of course, we don't get the bloodshed that we did last time, because these ladies came equipped. Except, of course, for Giada, who, according to Karolina, had the worst dress imaginable. Luckily, David won't have to worry about that... yet. "I just won't want to come across as just some cocky guy who thinks he can have every girl." Well we know you're not that. Thing is playing the role, though. Not necessarily THAT role, but a close approximation whilst maintaining an air of quality.

How do you know that you've made it to quality? Well, for starters, you have your own orchestra playing you down. Granted, some of the music may very well be dubbed over, but who cares? Dave's here to meet ladies, and he starts with the very nervous Olinda Berggren from Sweden. Next up, the very attractive Linda from the Czech Republic. Lina Kukoc (not related to Toni Kukoc) from Sweden is next. Then comes Alessia from Italy, Karolina from Czech Republic, Giada from Italy, Jerusha from Germany (who brings David to the quote of the night: "I'm smarter than I thought I was!"), Yassamin from Italy, Tereza and Kristyna from the Czech Republic, Anique and Petra from Holland, and Cat and Johanna from Germany.

Paul is... really taking it in.

Meanwhile it's open bar for all! And I think David's had one too many, because he's arranging furniture to please Cat. "So far, I think I'm doing okay," David says as we head to break. But if he doesn't know what "Salute" means, then we have a bit of a problem. Probably just nerves. So the girls are storming him with questions, and one in particular regarding Hurricane just floors him. Question: Is Hurricane your horse from Texas? "It didn't dawn on me that I could've just bought one in Italy." Now this can be taken two ways. One way, sentimental attachment. Completely understandable. Another way... keep getting jittered and see what happens.

But enough horseplay, it's time to dance (thank God). He's a smooth one for not having that much training. And even with some improve, it almost made up for the horses(^_^) he spread a while ago. "I just hope I can figure out who's only here for the money." He'll have to figure out fast, as Paul escorts our hero out of the room to make his choice.

Meanwhile, the girls' biggest worries: "No Starbucks?" Enter Samantha, who has no Frappuccinos, but news of the upcoming elimination. Fourteen women minus eleven pearls equals three people eliminated tonight. "This is going to be a difficult elimination. Everyone's so nice, and there are no bones to pick with anyone."

All the worry aside, all the panic, all the commercial breaks, all the random pans, all the slow-mo backtracks, all the notifications that tomorrow is an all-new episode... And we've finally arrived at the moment of truth. A very eloquent David hopes that there is no ill will toward him or his decision. And speaking of which, his decisions are... Karolina (classy girl), Alessia (definite click), Lina (nice-looking), Kristyna (out of this world), Tereza (soft-hearted), Olinda (seems uppity), Anique (absolutely beautiful), Cat (eye contact), Giada (a little quiet), Linda (another classy girl), and Petra (honest person). Yassamin, Jerusha, and Johanna are gone, and for Johanna, not soon enough. Yassamin isn't letting it faze her, and netiher is Jerusha. But for the other eleven, the ride is just beginning, as we get group dates on tomorrow's episode.

As for me, as always, I will be here, awaiting the return of Geocities' servers so I can update GSNN-D. And good night to you and your horses.

October 28, 2003
Last night, eleven of the fourteen women got bling-ified, while Dave gave a soft boot to the other three. And you thought it was fast to suck before? We have not yet begun to suck, my friend, as even the eleven who got pearls still aren't really satisfied ("I like big jewelry"). Among the subject at breakfast: obedience, rodeo, and whether he has either quality... in the bed.

As for our hero David, he's got three group dates lined up over the next three days. Paul warns him that the ladies will be more inquisitive than the ladies that he deals with in America. "It's really imperative that you keep your story straight." Paul gives him a little quiz... which David fails miserably. Yeah, if he was on "Fake Out", he'd be in trouble.

Paul visits our bathing beauties at the pool. Today, he'll date Kristyna, Olinda, and Giada for his first group date, a pottery lesson at Montecatini Alto. He brings along his betrothed steed Hurricane for transport. Olinda doesn't chase guys. Giada hopes for no shyness.

Among stories shared are the ranch and the "flying horse" thing. He manages to shrug them off as regular times in the rodeo. "I don't even know if it's possible to fly a horse, but I figured, you know, since I have $80 million..." This guy's been watching too much "Fabulous Life". But he does manage to convince them that not only is flying Hurricane out possible, but that he's getting it on with some little fillies at "some stables somewhere." Having never made a clay pot before, David was impressed at how quick his pot turned into something akin to what would be given away on "Shop 'til You Drop". Meanwhile, Olinda, in her little Freudian universe, turns her pot into something phallic. "I need super balls!" I think I speak for the 25 people watching this when I say, "What the heck are super balls? You mean those little things that bounce off of walls and such?

Dinner at La Torre, and Giada gets some alone time. Family and friends = a little connection. So finally dinner arrives, and the girls see something that they would never see in a European guy... Saying grace. Yep, that's the good ol' boy in him coming out. Olinda characterizes a bit. But all in all, a relaxing experience when we can just forget about the whole character thing. At least until David decides to open his fool mouth about it again.

Oops, there it goes again. But it's in private, so no big deal. Next big date, though: Tereza, Lina, Cat, and Anique are going cycling with David at the walls of Lucca. Assuming the questions will slow down? Big mistake. You should never assume these things. Cat is the Mojo of this season, taking the chance to sit by David at the lush picnic site. And... yeah, we know, since we're eating, Dave has to give props to the one. He'll need all the help he can get, godly and otherwise, as his assumptions go down the toilet. "Tell us about those sins," Cat exclaims. "I'm not perfect, but I try not to curse in front of ladies," David answers. "What's curse?" Lina asks. Tereza answers this one by dropping a few F-bombs, S-bombs, and the like. Well what do you expect when you're swearing, not wearing underwear, and drinking yourself stupid?

And of course, we couldn't dodge Hurricane. Now he has to remember all the answers he gave. It's like studying for a test. Next quiz: Karolina, Alessia, Petra, and Linda are headed to meet Dave at Pisa to see some leaning tower or something. I don't know. So Dave educates them on the whole surround. Alessia's taking this all in. Well, she TOOK it in... a LONG time ago. She's the Italian, remember? In any event, climbing stairs: tough. Enjoying the view: easy. Alessia proceeds to lei David with a present that she made to match her dress. His big attraction, though? Linda. Nice cap to the date, as we're singing in Italian. It was definitely an awwwwwwwwwwbarfo moment.

So here comes the dinner... and we skip the stuff before hand and head straight to champagne. All in all, three successful dates. And the girls on the latter one are still on a high from the experience. So much so that they hit the pool. So far, the jury comes back with a verdict: Alessia likes Dave.

All the dates are over, so the most pressing issue for the ladies is what bikini to wear at the pool. Enter Samantha with her usual pimping of the obvious: tonight is elimination night. And so we can end this before the end of sweeps, two will be going home tonight. Olinda starts talking smack about Cat. Petra starts the smack on Cat. Cat claims that her boobs are real. And I have some land in Tuscany to sell you if you believe that.

So it's elimination time for Mr. Smith. But first, Samantha comes to deliver the news that we already knew, with a little added incentive; the bling du jour: sapphires. David arrives with Paul and nine sapphires. Cat's the first in (with some reservation), followed by Giada, Linda (who David took more time than he needed ON PURPOSE, and understandably so -- yeah, those are the sins we were talking about), Kristyna, Lina (who has a dry personality), Alessia (Oh God stop trying to chat him up, will ya?), Anique (who's really really cold about receiving her sapphire), Petra, and... Olinda ("Yeah, baby, work it honey"... and then David said...). "I don't like to have to choose. It's like kicking out one of my buddies off of a truck to a rodeo." Tereza got the cowboy boot because she asked about the money. Karolina got kicked because she and Linda are friends, and Linda is a top shelf in his eyes. Let's hope that he won't regret that decision. We'll find out next Monday when David tries to get the nine remaining ladies in the saddle for a little bucking bronco action in the Tuscan countryside.

Until then, I'll be right there, watching a commercial-free "24".