January 27, 2003
So we're down to four. Let's see what Paul has to say about today's episode. "Who would enjoy simply Evan's company, or as Evan would say, hanging out?"

Now that we're back at the chateau, we're going one on one -

Evan and Sarah: Bike ride to wine tasting.

Evan and Sarah ride through the French countryside until they come to a country home, where they are greeted by a French wine master (who speaks very little English). Evan suggests that they just nod and hold their glasses out. How much wine do they actually drink?

Sarah: "Two words: reckless abandon."

Meanwhile, Evan sees that Sarah's into the money, so he decides to change the subject. And what better way to change the subject than a long, hot, wet kiss. And there's the moon. Yes, it was THAT long. They sneak off together into the front lawn of the chateau. The somehow manage to ditch the camera crew and... well...there are some sound effects... and some more... and some more... "It became a lot more comfortable."

Meanwhile. Zora washes her laundry before joining Mojo in a game of chess.

Sarah and Evan return to the chateau, where Sarah begins to go into reluctant detail of her date. Melissa says, "So you did everything you said you wouldn't do on TV. Disrespectful." Hey, technically, we didn't see any of it. She then sums Sarah up in two words: "She's drunk."

Evan and Melissa: Baking. How's this for stripped: sweat pants, t-shirt and flip-flops. "And I was like, 'Oh! Great!'" "It would be nice to be with someone who knows his way around the kitchen." So how was it? Well, let's just say that if this was Iron Chef, even Chen Kenichi would run circles around her. Remember, steak is best cooked, garlic is not onions, and mushrooms are, well, mushrooms.

"Paul, remind me to fire the chef." Nevertheless, the meal is done. Let's go to the panel for tasting and judgment: "It looked like dog (^_^).". "You're cleaning up, don't laugh." We learn that Melissa is fun, but she needs to be pampered. Melissa reveals that she would help out a third world country if she were in Evan's shoes. Evan, on the other hand, is confused. And he should be. After all, Melissa doesn't want to be a big baby complainer.

"Missed opportunity, retard."

Evan and Zora: Walking... that's it. Just walking. After all, Zora was uptight in Paris. "Just to stay sane, I have to keep my guard up." Zora is afraid that she would be next. Evan senses that she is afraid of getting her heart broken. "I just hate having to reassure her all of the time."

So after all that pent-up emotion... We're going horseback riding. That perked Zora up straight away. At this time, we learn that she's the outdoorsy type. "I'm getting that Perma-Grin again." Of course, that could just be the horses talking. Or is it?

At the gazebo, "It's like being in a Disney movie," says our faux king of bling. Now cue the music... and the woodland creatures... Perfect! "I feel so bad that the other girls aren't enjoying this," Zora said. Ah, but they are... enjoying something. But that's not important. Get back to the furry woodland creatures! As the two return to the chateau, it's time... for the hot-tub of love. And he didn't even get to level five yet (Sorry... Sims moment.). Anyway, the ladies come back to find... a topless Joe. And a commercial.

"We're going to a hot tub. Meet ya in three."

So as the others get ready, Evan and Zora are in the tub just looking at each other. And here come the other three!" Evan's just sizing up the situation as the competition is beginning to heat up. "The other girls are kinda crashing our date, and that kinda bothered Zora." Didn't bother Evan, though. He's just assessing the situation. And by the situation, I mean... well, you know.

Evan and Mojo: Fencing. Replete with costume. "There has to be some type of attraction," Mojo says, as she proves quite the master of the foil. Mojo had a surprise for Evan, a poem and a puzzle. The poem:

"Butterflies of passion, excitement and fun,
Waiting patiently, I for my husband and you for your wife, (Evan: "A little scary.")
Ready to take a journey, ready to live,
Loyal, caring, independent and true,
If the tables were turned...
Complete the puzzle for the end...
Or possibly the beginning."

Well, we know that Mojo has no gift for iambic pentameter.

The puzzle: A picture of her, with the Photoshopped line: "I CHOOSE YOU." All of a sudden, this is a Pokemon episode. "I guess it was pretty sweet."

Wait, there's more poem:

"Longing deep down inside, that you are the one.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't know you just yet.
But who is to say if we only just met?"
Evan kisses her before she finishes. Good call.

Then there's her photo album. And a check? "The check freaked me out a little bit."

The morning after... in a few hours, it'll be the mourning after, as one of these ladies gets the royal boot. "Evan was using me as a sounding board," Paul says. "He was trying to ask me which one he should eliminate next." And here comes the invisible woman. No, not Kristin Holt, that's tomorrow. The OTHER invisible woman. She offers three rubies. Three rubies. Four women. "I'll go get Evan." Before saying anything, I'm thinking that either Melissa or Zora will hear the bell toll. After we hear it a jillion times.

Evan hopes that for the eliminatee it is a positive experience and not a negative one. Here are his choices:

Sarah - Our date couldn't have gone more perfectly, and I really like her.

Zora - She wasn't trying to be someone she wasn't, but she was having a hard time trusting me.

And... too many random pans! Go to black! Go to black!

(commercials)

And we're back. Evan says to Mojo, "I'm really glad I met you." Mojo smiles, not knowing what that really means... it ain't her.

Melissa - A great sense of humor.

But the question remains. Why not Mojo? "The gift was absolutely wonderful." Eliminations are always painful, but Mojo "can handle it." "Maybe he likes high maintenance and drama. I have so much true deep love waiting inside me for the perfect man. I would really like for Evan to tell me what's wrong."

Here's what Evan thinks. "I don't know what's going on inside Mojo. If she was given a choice between me and someone who really had $50 million, she'd go for the one with $50 million."

But one thing's for sure. She liked him. Truly.

Is it me or is this guy's choices getting painfully unobvious? I guess we'll have to wait until the next chapter. Paul's notes: "I didn't get a necklace, but I did swipe the puzzle. I might be the real winner here." Next week, we go from a French chateau to a French beach. The Riviera to be exact. Via private jet, to be exact further. Evan might have won Zora's fancy over, but there's still a matter of Melissa's prying and Sarah's actual coming closer to Mojo than she realizes. It's the penultimate chapter of the biggest lie on TV, next week.

As always, I'll be right here... oh, you know the rest.

February 3, 2003
Sarah, Zora, and Melissa. By the end of the hour, we'll have one less belle to answer, and the other two will have one more piece of valuable hardware.

Here's the scenery, as our friend Paul notices. Each girl will be chartered to the French Riviera for a date with Evan.

The morning begins when Paul tells Melissa that she needs to pack up and leave... by noon, or else she'll be late for her jet. "The destination is a surprise." Struggling to find something to wear (after all, it IS an overnight trip) ups the pressure, according to Sarah.

Evan lets us know that he's going on overnights with the girls to exclusive resorts in the Caribbean. He's really "raising the stakes" as he puts it, because next week's the finale, and he's going to have to make a pretty important choice.

Evan and Melissa in Cannes: That million-dollar smile is beaming again, as Melissa wonders if she should turn it off. "I don't want him to look at me like a little sister. I was strategizing." They head to the beach, as they let the waves play with their legs, like something out of a poem or something. I've been watching this footage a bit too long. Evan takes the obligatory fancy to her, saying that he can talk to her about anything. Including staph infections. Cute. Here's a medicinal tip: If you put superglue on a cut, it heals right up. Scientists haven't found this out yet, but (speaking as a scientist by day), we're working on it.

The moon digitally pans as we go from sunset to full-on nightfall, as Evan and Melissa walk back to their resort. Let's go to "The Tale of the Tape."

Evan: "Melissa's very appealing (smile shot). She's curvy and I like curvy girls (boob shot)." Then, later, "I'm trying to hit the eyes and I'm going a little lower (cue Melissa discretely showing off some cleavage)."

And for dinner, crab meat. Or at least that's what the guy in the penguin suit says. Evan doesn't want anyone to get any illusions of grandeur on his part. "You're going to battle that for a long time," Melissa says. Then she starts a bomb ticking: "You are such an average person." Did Evan pay attention, or is that thought welding its way into his subconscious? "I was trying to listen to her, but I couldn't keep my eyes off ... her dress." Guess that answers my question. And so, the guilt loop begins. If you don't know what a guilt loop is, think about a giggle loop. If you don't know what a giggle loop is, might I suggest watching the Coupling episode, "Sex, Death, and Nudity."

But here's another thing: Melissa goes into confessional and says "I'd be lying to you if I was to sit here and say that money doesn't matter at all. Money talks." Then there's some talk, some leg, some dinner, some desert, then some flirting.

Back in the room, Melissa is making no secret that she wants to share the sofa, so to speak. She takes the ball and runs with it more than Evan has in the entire series up to this point. Things get hot as we see Evan and Melissa kissing and... commercial.

Evan and Zora on the beach. "Bring a bikini." Just when you think that Zora couldn't get any more like a Disney princess stereotype, in comes a rainbow. "Not really real." Evan talks about seeing Zora, and Zora talks about... that rainbow. They venture to a resort just touching the Caribbean. Evan catches a glimpse of a bulldozer (guilt loop grows bigger).

They take in the scenery with open eyes, and it appears that they both have a good time. He wants her to trust Evan. He wanted to make the upcoming dinner date work.

His line: "Did you get that dress in Paris?"

What came out: "Did you get that breast... err, dress, with you, or...?

Her line: "I'm going to kick you under the table, okay?"

Later, an offer for dessert in the pool... denied. She's insecure. He's wanting to do whatever she likes. They get in the pool anyway. "When Zora lets her guard down, we really have a good time." Then there's some kissing and synchronized swimming at the same time.

Zora's post game interview: Evan's a great guy who's very attractive and considerate. She "really doesn't know" if he's attracted to her. She tells him of a dream where she asks "Is your name really Evan Wallace?" (Guilt loop). "Every time I hang out with Zora, she freaks me out, you know... one way or another. After I heard her dream, I could barely look Zora in the eye. She must be some kind of psychic or something." The guilt loop is taking hold.

As she returns to the chateau, we start to see a mysteriousness and a queer oddity in her. Maybe she's not the little miss innocent that everyone sees. Could she be flying under the radar. We'll find out at the end of the show.

Evan and Sarah in Nice. Sarah and Evan always seem to have a great time wherever they go. And this time is no exception. While Sarah basks in the glow of her new suite, Evan waits downstairs. What does he have in store for her? Well, whatever it is, it'll have to wait a tad longer. Sarah left her dress in the jet and her shoe broke.

Dinner comes first. "Sarah's very sophisticated," Evan says as he notes that she is into the finer things in life, so to speak. They talk about gnocchi, as Sarah thinks that Evan's not extraneously intellectual," but that's something that will change over time. Evan is having a time getting fed Sarah's entrees.

That night, Evan and Sarah are treated to moonlight champagne. Sarah, noting the perfection of the night, gets closer. Eventually, they start kissing and telling each other how great dinner. They agree to rendezvous at 8am. She knocks at Evan's door, considerably earlier, asking him to look at the moon. "We've already seen the moon, so I don't think that's what she was after. But I didn't mind!" Then Evan gets it clear to his mind that she could possibly be the one. "What's going on under the blanket? Uhh, a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell." But sound effects do. Hopefully, they aren't subtitled this week.

The morning after, Sarah discloses that she had broken every rule that she set for her. Evan, on the other hand, rates her a 9. After she leaves, the guilt loop comes full circle.

Back at the chateau, Paul informs the ladies that the eliminations are tomorrow.

Back to Evan and the guilt loop. It was about to spiral out of control as it gets way too intense for him to bear. That night, at 1:30, Evan stayed awake, having a Fox-created dream sequence based on a montage of, well, past episodes.

3:30a: "I'm not a millionaire. I just spent a month pretending like I'm a millionaire." Evan needed to counsel someone, and since Paul is out of his reach, he talks to the only other one who can help him out of his rut... the producer, Ray Guiliani. Evan believes that for a month, these girls have not known the real him. "Now I've got to face whoever girl I picked and say 'You know what, I lied to you this whole time.'" Ray tells Evan to remember what this is all about: "It's to find out who likes you for you." Evan rebutes, "But I've never lied about anything to get a girl in bed. I'm living the biggest (^_^)ing lie in front of America and it's the most (^_^)ing ironic thing in the world. The more I think about it, the more it eats my brain."

Smash Mouth: Then the morning comes. By the time the sun rose, Evan's head was clear, but still overwhelmed at the task at hand. Not only will he have to pick a woman that he enjoys, he'll have to pick a woman who will accept him for what he truly is.

That said Evan flies back to the chateau in time for Alex to give her elimination spiel. This week, we fill the jewelry blank with diamond pendants. Money made for one scene. I'd kill for that salary. Wonder if she's working for scale. Anyway, it's time for Evan to make his choices. No speeches.

Sarah - "I think Sarah and I really bonded." I could make all the tasteless jokes in the world, but I'm going to leave this next line to Gordon.

(Gordongram: You apparently have that 'Meet My Folks' first story loop embedded into both your VCR and your brain. What you decide to do during your free time is none of my concern. G.)

Okay, there you go. Back to business. One more.

Zora - "Mysterious and intriguing."

As for Melissa, it wasn't you, it was him. Simply put, he just wasn't attracted. Something that has been developing for the past two episodes, really. Melissa thinks that Evan was a cool guy. Meanwhile, Paul puts it tritely, "It's the pumpkin and the rats for you, my dear."

We're down to two, as Evan looks to the moment that he's been waiting for and dreading the entire series. They say a diamond is forever. Will forever last one more episode? You'll just have to find out next week, when Evan makes his final decision, and then reveals the truth.

Until then, I'll be here, awaiting what might be the most shocking act of reality TV since the incident on Big Brother 2. Cheers!

February 10, 2003
Mark "The Voice of Fox" Thompson filled everyone in on the goings-on, but you could've easily read above this line, no problem.

But now for this week - Evan is finally reaching the end of his journey as "Joe Millionaire," a working stiff who gets a lucky break by portraying a well-to-do jet-setter. With only Sarah and Zora remaining to claim his heart, Evan has the weight of a dream world on his shoulders, with 1) having to choose which of his two suitors the gold-digging presser is, and 2) telling the other one of his million-dollar (or absence thereof) secret.

Paul (amazingly not in the butler's garb he is usually sporting - he even wore it to Pyramid) instructs the ladies to come to the patio, where Alex is going to make her scale-a-minute spiel about the final events. "Tomorrow, he will present one of you with a final invitation to a happy ending in this fairy tale, and a new beginning in the real world. The keepsake will be a ring." Both mouth "Oh my God!" Alex then tells that, because this is Evan's hardest decision, he needs to spend time with both of them. And there goes Alex, dejected as to why she got so much face time this week. Following her, both women return inside. Sarah makes the understatement of the year: "This is getting intense."

Okay, we all know what the ring means, so there is no point in talking about it. So let's get to the "Hey! Do you remember when..." portion of the program.

The Ball: When Evan met Sarah, he thought that she wasn't shy, but at the same time, she was not overbearing. When Evan met Zora, she thought that he exuded goodness.

Back in the present, Sarah and Zora remember the necklaces that they got in return for staying on the show. "I need to stage a bridal shower to get all this stuff," Sarah notes. My, aren't WE thinking too far ahead?

Paul returns to notify Sarah, who's still lost in her own world, to change for a walk in the woods. He does the same for Zora, but for some reason, Zora doesn't need to change. Sarah leaves with Evan close by. Zora still tries to maintain her distance. On the walks, Evan talks about the dates...

Paris date: Evan remembers Sarah's tango lessons, as we once again see Sarah's gifts of tango garb (It's STILL called a corset, dawg) and how Evan and Sarah exuded making love on the dance floor. Evan also compares his relationship to Zora as a roller-coaster. After all, this was the lady who didn't really go over well on her first date with dinner and music by the river. Now, in case you don't remember, Evan broke three rules of good dating: never talk ill about your woman, never compare your date with others, and never directly answer the question "What's going on in that head of yours?"

... the French countryside...

Country date: Evan and Sarah get sloshed at the vineyard, yak about the "money", and emit various other onomatopoeias in the woods (Here's a tip: if you're going to "sneak away" on a reality series, make sure your microphone is off!). Zora tries the old evasion approach while she and Evan remember the "Disney" montage. Well, as one can remember without having footage added in post. But it seemed that Zora and Evan were definitely at home with their horses. Then came the hot tub and the infiltration of five bikini-clad party crashers.

... and the Riviera...

Riviera date: Remember those rules that Zora set? Well upon a rainbow, a misplaced chat-up line, and a Corsican swimming pool, with nary a crasher in sight, she broke them. Meanwhile, in Nice, Sarah and Evan had harmonic convergence after dinner, wine, and looking at a moon.

"So who are you picking tomorrow?" Sarah bluntly asks. Without answering the question directly, Zora expresses that she's taking a lot from the experience, while Sarah thinks of her and Zora as friends. And if you're anything like me, you're getting dizzy from the shoddy editing.

That night, the so-called Showdown at the Chateau begins after dinner. The two begin to think about who Evan will pick tomorrow. Zora has no idea, but "the fact that (Sarah) lives in LA really helps." Later, Sarah begins to think about what she will wear, as Zora doesn't try to get her hopes up too soon. Zora confesses after dinner, "Would I have been friends with her outside of this? Probably not, but that doesn't mean I'm going to tear her apart or point out all her flaws." And Paul puts a cap on all of this conflict by saying, "Evan has captured both of their hearts. But alas, soon he must break one." Evan echoes that, but with a caveat: "The minute this is over, I'm still a $19,000-a-year construction worker. I really have nothing to offer them."

And now, and at long last, the moment we've been waiting for. Zora and Sarah are called down to the grand salon for a final verdict, as well as a final revelation. There's basically no other way to recreate the moment in a recap than to just go by what we saw. And here's... what we saw:

Evan: What I'm going to say right now might come as a shock... (cue outside shot of the chateau with the clouds moving in) I did not inherit $50 million. I'm a heavy equipment operator. (Cut to black).

So the truth finally comes out... But... and this is the part that Gordon has to put in larger than average bold letters to signify what I was feeling at the time when I watched it...

TO WHOM?!

(Gordongram: You mean like this?)

Paul once again rejoins us. "I am truly sorry that you're not privy to Evan's final choice this evening, but you will find out soon enough. Next week, in fact on our two-hour grand finale, not only will you find who Evan has chosen, but Evan will finally be forced to confess the truth which we have known all along: that Evan is not a millionaire at all. Oh, and by the way, in the past I have refused to comment on rumors that our Joe Millionaire story ended with a twist. But this evening, I will comment. Those rumors are not rumors at all. In fact, the final chapter of our story does indeed have a big, surprising, and remarkable twist."

You know, you could just flash "To be continued..." and be done with it. Anyway, I'll be right here, as always, pouring up another round and awaiting your return.

February 17, 2003
"The final chapter of our story does indeed have a big, surprising, and remarkable twist."

Those were the words that Paul left us with last week. We're left meanwhile with the questions, "Who does Evan choose," "Will our hero and his choice see a happily ever after", and "What the heck is this twist?" By the end of this recap, you'll know all of the answers...

BUT FIRST...

Let's take a moment to update ourselves on several of the key players for this little story.

First, Dana, who bought the whole story, "hook, line, and sinker." Reality TV tip #1, the old adage is true: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. So many people thought that Evan was going to choose Dana for her good nature and basically, the whole package. Result, she ships out at the end of episode 2. "For him not to see that doesn't say a lot to me as a person."

Next, there's Mary, who was also denied at the end of episode 2. You don't remember? Well let's show the clip of the sunglasses. Reality TV tip #2: using a series as your personal soapbox, no matter what the reason, is a sure ticket home. "If Evan had known about my sense of humor, maybe he would've kept me around a bit longer." If anything now, Mary will not be known just as one of the infamous women of Joe Millionaire, but also as "the one with the hula hoop." "But Evan, if you're into hula-hoopers, then you're definitely missing out, because I can hula-hoop like nobody's business." And she proves it in a time-lapsed marathon of hypnotic hula-hooping.

Next is Katy (with a y), one of the most outspoken outcasts from episode 1. Katy starts by delivering Reality TV tip #3: "People who think they can go on a reality show and it can somehow change your life or make your career better are morons to begin with, 'cause it doesn't!" Then she delivers Reality TV tip #4: "If you're going to lie, do it like a champ." Katy reasserts herself that she will be no one's guinea pig, and that she's perfectly okay without the jet-set millionaire lifestyle that was formed around our construction worker. Hell, if she had her way, she'd take the construction worker! And since coming back from France, she has continued as an assistant to a producer. So much for not being anyone's guinea pig.

Now here's Katie (with an I-E) the pediatrician, who reminisces about meeting Evan for the first time personality-wise on the train. She knew that she wouldn't click with our hero from the start. But then she drops some wisdom: "There's nothing wrong with being fun and flirty, yet being serious and career-oriented."

And here's Amanda the flight attendant, who opens her confessional rather directly: "I think he likes big breasts. I happen to know that the final five were all big-booby girls and more power to 'em!" Amanda happens to know that Evan likes to use the term "damn hot" a lot. She then recalls the blow to the ego not only living it in France, but also watching it on TV. And for the record, she doesn't think that romantic futures should be judged on cup-size.

"I expected to go meet Prince Charming. And instead, I got Evan," says Dayana, the secretary, who was dismissed from episode 2. She reveals that Evan was cute in a dorky type of way (aren't we all, really?), she didn't like the dress she wound up with, and she is a "daddy's little girl" princess type who likes tight shorts and drives a Mustang. Yeah, you wouldn't want Evan, anyway.

Well, that was charming, now wasn't it? Now that we've met several would-be suitors that didn't quite make it, let's revisit our three lovely runners-up.

Alison: "Continental breakfast is horse(^_^)." Her time with Evan could be best summarized with... well, silence. The New Yorker would rather not go and actively search out for love, especially after this show, having recollections of Evan not really being the couth connoisseur that he's supposed to be. "There's no amount of money that would make me want to date Evan."

Mojo: "People say I've got the mojo working!" If by "mojo working", you mean that thing with your eyebrows, then mission accomplished. Her strategy was "Let him know who you are." And she certainly did that, especially with the train ride, the cowboy hat, and the poem. "I was there for love, and he let that go." Amazingly enough: her friend said on the radio that her motto was "If a guy won't buy you a drink, he's not worth talking to."

Hmm.

Melissa: Also known as the "Oh my God!" montage. "I love surprises." Melissa was in it for the adventure of new things. She had a gut feeling that Evan was for real. "There were little hints that something was wrong, something was different." And then comes Reality TV tip #5: You're going to forget that the cameras are rolling, as we see Melissa cozy up to Evan on multiple occasions. "But that doesn't make me a bad person!" She truly believes that she had a connection with Evan.

And then... there's Heidi. But before we revisit this vixen, let's take it to the streets as we ask several Angelinos who will "win" Joe Millionaire:

Final Count: 43% Zora, 57% Sarah.

But back to Heidi. Everyone thinks she's rather b(^_^)y. Truth be told, from the girls' perspective... she is. Heidi says that she's been like that since birth. We relive the dress fiasco, the horse fiasco, and the boyfriend fiasco. And speaking of which, here he is! And, at least as of this taping, they're still together. Heidi tells us that if Evan chose her, then she would've broken ties with him.

Okay, we're down to the three players remaining.

Evan: We already knew about the modeling... and the photos... But what we didn't know is that 1) he's from Virginia Beach, 2) he made regular calls to his parents (gee, what a momma's boy), 3) he went to military school, 4) he was into construction at an early age, and 5) "If I ever see another glass of champagne, it'll be too soon." His friends also reveal that the Evan that was on TV was the real Evan. "He's not being fake. That's him. You can take him to a five-star restaurant and he's going to pick up that burger and drive it down." And his friends sensed genuine angst in his participating in the lie to its breaking point a couple of weeks earlier. Evan departs us with some sage advice: "You can't be happy with someone else unless you're happy with yourself."

Sarah: We already know about the independence and the fast life she leads. But what we don't know is that she was actually recruited by one of her friends. "I like to go into things not knowing what to expect." Two big mysteries about Sarah though... solved. The party in the woods: "He was holding me and kissing me." Oh yeah, and there's really "no big deal" about those bondage and fetish films that we know about now. But how does she feel about Evan? "Evan's really adept at making each of us feel special."

Zora: The true dark horse in every way possible. Whether bouncy or repellant, we see her charm as she moves from whispering horses to whispering sweet nothings into Evan's ear. Well, we all know that she's very compassionate, she loves animals, and that she grew up very poor. But what we don't know is that the mayor declared Zora Day in her hometown of Lambertville, NJ. She once considered selling the necklaces to try and save her aunt's life. Now about the hot tub: "I get the sympathy votes and she gets the 'oh-my-God, she's so hot!' Fans..."

Okay, the table's set. The appetizers are all gone, and we're still hungry, damn it. Let's cut right to the chase. We last left our two ladies as they meet our hero in the grand salon. Through clever editing, we think that they arrived at the same time. The thing is... this is not the case. Zora is first. Evan arrives to meet her in the salon with some news.

Evan: "It has been one incredible journey. The time I've spent with you has been pretty unbelievable. However, it's been a roller coaster ride. You were difficult to read." Going through the motions and the dates, Evan finally tells Zora, "I really think you're an incredible person. I always saw something in your that kind of really made me feel at ease. You have a passion for like, and you make that known." Okay, now Evan says it.

"I've chosen you."

And the smiles start beaming. And just when all seems right with the world, harsh reality sets in.

"I've been going through this whole event, and the hardest thing I had to do was tell you to trust me." And here comes a rather rapid dissemination of the truth.

"I don't have $50,000,000. I don't have $50,000. I'm sorry I lied to you, but I needed to find someone who loved me for who I am, not for what I may or may not have." Evan then tells Zora to give it some thought, then return to the ballroom that night for a final answer.

Again, harsh reality must set in, as now Sarah must know a double truth: 1) that she is not the one for Evan, and 2) that Evan's not really as made as Fox made him out to be.

Here we are again, going through the motions and the dates until Sarah tries to ease her confidence. Fire one.

"What I'm about to say might come as a shock. I did not inherit $50,000,000. I'm a heavy equipment operator for a construction company."

Then Sarah says, "Did you feel like I was concerned with that?"

And fire two...

"I haven't chosen you. I just had a really good time." And with that, Evan and Sarah part ways, and Sarah's heart parts hemispheres.

But Evan's explanation was quite simple: "I felt like Sarah was into Joe Millionaire, not Evan Marriott."

Back in her room, Sarah packs her suitcase and prepare to return to real life, or an approximation thereof, when suddenly...

Paul: I've got someone to help you with your packing.

That someone, surprisingly enough, is Melissa. Sarah gives her an approximation of the events of the last two acts, as Melissa gives the "Melissavision" version of it. ("I'm really actually broke.") Melissa's perspective on the series: "Money doesn't make you suave. It doesn't give you charm or class or all those things." But in a way, all the scoffing that they do leads Melissa to one conclusion: "I think she was sad about not getting chosen."

And away Sarah goes forever.

Zora, after watching the caravan depart, decides to get dressed and head for a walk in the woods, as Evan, meanwhile, prepares for a possible ballroom rendezvous. "I really really hope she shows up tonight."

That night, after Zora finishes packing...

Evan and Paul stand patiently and nervously in the grand ballroom, where it all started. Sort of. Nothing left to do but watch and wait for a happy ever after... or a big game over. Evan is honestly expecting the latter.

After a while, Zora makes her entrance, in the blue dress that she wore when it all started. "I'm glad you came," Evan said. It's time for Zora to do all the yammering now.

"The qualities that kept me interested in you are that you seemed really genuine, really down-to-earth, really honest. You just kept whispering, 'Just trust me.' And as hard for me to do it, I allowed myself to trust you. When I heard the news, I felt like you had deceived me. I think I've made it abundantly clear that I was grateful for bring able to experience this journey with you, but I've kinda had some regrets."

Someone's got to say it. Lady, spit it.

"But the good news is I was really turned off by the fact that you inherited that money. After spending all that time with you, I was pleasantly surprised to find out how many wonderful qualities you have. So, I would like to continue the journey, and see what happens. Is it still being offered to me?"

So Zora gets the ring, more of a promise that Evan is going to continue this beyond Joe Millionaire. And the ring fits. More good news! They share a kiss and Paul congratulates them in a celebratory toast that Zora leads. "To the journey after France."

But wait. There's more, as Paul reenters the room with a new plate. "Evan, you are to be congratulated for choosing a woman who truly knows the meaning of openness, generosity of spirit, and a real love for a simple and unfettered lifestyle. And even to a somewhat battered old sneak such as myself, true love is a great treasure. And with love in your hearts, all things are possible." If Gordon was writing this now, he'd say "Awwwwwwwwwwbarf".

(Gordongram: I wouldn't do it yet. Wait for it, wait for it...)

But let's let our Aussie friend continue here. "Now all good fairy tales must have a bit of magic. I guess we're going to have to call on a little bit of magic so that you both could live happily ever after." Twist alerts all over the country are going nuts at this point.

"And Zora, because you were able to accept Evan for who he truly is, I am able to give you both this. And Evan, this is something that even you don't know about. I am now going to make you, Evan and Zora... instant millionaires." With that, Paul hands over a plattered check from the Banque Nationale du France made out to Evan and Zora in the amount of...

ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Both Evan and Zora gaze in amazement, awe, and, in the case of Evan, dumbfoundedness. "Really?! WHAT?!" For the first time this series (actually, for the sixth), Evan is speechless. And Paul witnesses the fruits of his final duty as butler, shoving off with "Good luck, enjoy, bye!"

"Zora," Evan said, "would you like to dance?" As they embrace themselves in a celebratory song, dance, and kiss, one thing enters Evan's mind: "Enjoy it. $500,000 richer. And you met me, for crying out loud." Now I'm kinda wishing I was chosen. Oh well, everyone has their time.

And one thing enters Zora's mind, the thing that just caps this series off perfectly: "I can't believe I'm hearing myself say this, but I DO believe in fairy tales!"

(Gordongram: NOW I would do it. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWBLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHBARF!)

And so ends the fairy tale of Joe Millionaire. Right down to the cliched cursive writing.

But is this really the end? Come on, it's Fox. What do you think?

Next week, Evan and Zora reunite for the first time since France to discuss fame, fortune, and their future together. Far be it for us to intrude on another couple's love life, but if it's "Joe Millionaire: The Aftermath", then we're all over it. See you next week.