THE RECAPS

7/9/03
Meet Lisa Shannon. She wites TV commercials, she has great friends - 2 of which are Kim and Laura - and she trusts them more than she does her family. She trusts her so much that she is hoping that they find her the man of her dreams. If they do, and she stays with the guy for a year, the couple wins a moillion dollars.

This is the premise of Cupid - and this creation was brought to you by Simon Cowell, Mr. 'American Idol', who prefaces us for the first group of guys by saying this - 'Lisa is ready for the man of her dreams, the Rottweilers are ready in defensem and the guys...they are just lambs to the slaughter. '

Playing the role of Ryan Seacrest is Brian McFayden. And in thie 'American Idol' meets 'Married by America' fest, we start in Chicago. The best pick-up line? 'Your eyes are like the ocean' when you have that, postal employees shoing their legs and people who are named 'Superdan', Chicago is probably not her kind of town.

The leg shower is a 41 year old man named Michael. He seems a little full of himself, and his ego shows out in the interview. He was doing ok until he says that the hair is from 'Hairclub For Men' - and talks about his past - a gambling problem - and a drinking problem from 16 years ago. The women take a page from SImon Cowell and shoot him down like Snoopy nailing the Red Baron.

Simon's response? 'He's ugly, he's an exdrunk, he's an ex-gambler, and I say welcome to Chicagi. I didn't know that the worst is yet to come.'

We have a martial arts demonstration from Superdan and his friend Gabriel - and that gets the ladies laughing - but he doesn't get the idea and when he wants to have her 'like a trophy', the ladies eject him very quickly. Gabriel accuses the women of finding someone better than Lisa, and Superdan's 'S' looks more like sobbing.

Domenic invites the women to a picnic, complete with basket, food and wine. He wants to open a restaurant and he brings the 2 girls in his life - his mom and his sister. Lisa finds him adorable, and the women can't take him apart. he gets the first invite to Los Angeles. AwwwwwBarf.

We have people jumping off chairs, people who won't say their age, bad singers and poets, a weightlifter, someone who has a parrot on his shoulder, someone who does a stritease act, a Fabio look-alike. It's becoming apparent that the men would have probably preferred to have Simon Cowell as the judge than these women.

Kevin is next - and, as a 35 year old massage therapist, he brings a mini-massage table and works on Kim. He's not married, but he sees his daughter once every three months for 5 days. That does not work out well with the women, who say 'What happens when you have sex?' Kevin says 'I'll show you what happens' and that's good enough to get him booted.

Kevin brings out roses instead - and Lisa says that he's the first person who has sent out a rose. He's a 28 year old trader, and he gets in unanimously. If you get romantic, you get in.

Michael returns to 'give her a second chance'. He makes them sing 'Take Me Out To the Ballgame.' The women finish the song 'One, Two, Three Strikes You're Out!' 'It wasn't enough to see the guy once?' complains Kim.

Joe is a real estate developer who wants a family - and he brings his family over. He may have wanted to bring different family members - they then proceed to savage him - but the family eventually wins the three women's heart and he gets to advance as well.

Hank is a 25 year old options trader and he bgins with him a picture of him catching a baby shark when he's 7 - one of the last gifts from his dad. Lisa wants - and gets - a hug, and Hank also gets to advance.

We next visit beautiful sunny Miami. Land of the beaches - and sharks - and whales. Big nasty flabby whales. Can Lisa find a Latin lover? Jose is a 24 year old singer - who wants to spend every penny of the one million dollars - he may have to see it on tv - he makes a rotten first appearance. He tries to save himself with his singing - and he's better when he isn't singing. He switches between accent and non-accent and the women see right through him. He's gone. 'Whatever'.

Apparently Miami is the land of the failed actor - lots of bad acting, dancing, (though I was very impressed with the iguana that one of the guys brought in - I love iguanas). Eric hasn't been on a date since 1983 - and he's a 44 year old groundskeeper who wanted to give her a dandelion bouquet. He is turning into the Ricky of Cupid.

Micah is a 22 year old Art Manager - and he gets shot down when he tries to hand off a lei (what are handing out fake flowers a symbol of?). Wearing a white pimp and ho suit wouldn't help - and neither would the misuse of the word 'Stigmata'.

Nate is a former college athlete who's getting an estate license. The two judges aren't sure, but Lisa likes him from an appearance standpoint, so he gets to advance.

That's a shaky Miami person, at best - can the women find any real love interests in Miami? Maybe Paco, who brings his mom and best friend, who are there to make sure that they don't tear him apart. He is covered in tattoos, but mom stands up for him and she says that he is great husband and father material. That seems to be the deal-maker as Lisa thinks that he is cute and different than what she has happened to see. Paco can thank mom for the big help.

Darren, who is a 36 year old chiropractor, also brings his mom - and he brings her orchids - and a chiropractic table. Laura gets nasty - until mom gets in - then she really gets nasty. 'You both go to the same plastic surgeon.' This is the first time that a guy who brings mommy gets spurned. Laura is definately about to be the next Simon.

Mike, who's 35 years old, is ready to tear the girls up. He brings up some pictures as to where he has gone - and it's the women who do tearing up - they tear up the pictures and tell him no. He won't go away, and it takes security to send him away. 'It was my chance to get married and win a half a million dollars.' wails Mike as they take him away. Have you ever noticed that the guys who use money in their speech are not the ones who get selected?

"'I was pretty disappointed in the sleection that we had Miami.' says Lisa. Then she sees Darren, who is an equities trader - and he brought a toy dancing dog with him. "I've seen enough freaks to know that I like you.' says Lisa, and Darren gets in.

And so we end part one of the man search. We continue to NY and LA, and if you think that there were freaks before, I have a feelign that next week will be even freakier.

7/16/03
So we got to see how wacky the South and Midwest can be when looking for a woman - now we get to see how wacky the East and West can be - we're talking NYC and LA, baby. If the stereotypes are true, than the women will be in for a wild time in the old house tonight.

So far, they have a grand total of 7 suitors. In order to get their quota of 20 people, they somehow need to find 13 people in the next 2 cities. Can they do it? Or will they be relying on people wearing gladiator helmets?

Brian McFayden is back - and he's reminding America that your vote will decide who Lisa goes out with - and whether or not Lisa and her husband can snag a million dollars. But to do that, Lisa has to go to the Big Apple - and avoid the worms.

But NYC has plenty of those - and Laura and Kimberly decide to be the worm ranchers. We are looking at a guitarist, an Amish farmer, and a guy who doesn't take no for an answer. That person is Christopher, who brings flowers - and he wants to put her in his tattoo. Lisa likes him - but the 2 girls aren't going for him. Lisa is trying to work on the girls - but the saliva coming out of Christophers teeth and his spitting does him in. 'Ewwww' yells Laura, and 'Are You Crazy?' comes out of Kimberley's mouth.

Cardboard comes out of the next person, as Steve breakdances. He is a failed copywriter - and he's going to be a failed suitor. He says that Lisa has lovely teeth - and the women are just stunned. Laura escorts Steve out of the room.

Zach is next and he's 32 years old and unemployed. Steve decides to strip down and play an 'Ode To Cupid' - playing the role of the cherub as he is hiding behind the chair. I now see why he is unemployed. Well, New York people are not the most sanest of people. He gets a hug from Laura and inexplicably, the women allow him to pass.

We have a bunch of failed dancers in a moontage - including the Amish farmer. Next up is a failed poet who comes out in all pink. He answers to the name of Paul as he gives a coffeehouse rendition and asks her to dance. They decide to dance and the women think that the actor is not playing to the best of her intentions. They let him in anyway, but Laura still isn't convinced about Paul.

The women won't have that same problem with Greg - who tries to turn it on with his charm - and wounds up drowning them. 'Bitch, Trophy, Bitch...are you ugly?....nnnnno.' It's obvious that he wasn't attracted to them. 'I feel like I just got paroled.' Simon's response? 'You're ugly, you're fat - and you're wondering why you didn't go through.'

Renda is not ugly nor fat - but he is a street hustler. He does some street poetry - and Lisa is not convinced that he is here for love. Renda wants another chance - and even though he doesn't give his first name, Lisa gets convinced, but Laura warns him like Renda has a lot of work to do. We'll see what happens...

Here comes the guitar player - his name is Omar - but Angel is nowhere to be found (I wonder who here knows where that reference is from?). It didn't matter. 'I was a yes the minute you walked into the door.' The serenader hit nice sweet notes.

'For some of them, the harmony was just not there.' says Lisa, and that leads to - yes - another montage. We get another musician who gets some nasty notes - and Kim and Laura get at each other. 'I told you to shut up.' 'Sorry'.

The women get back together with Ben, who delights them with a cute basketball shtick. They all like him and he gets to move on. Scott does a rendition of Digital Undergrounds 'The Humpty Dance.' Yo, that was my shtick! That, plus a pic of him and Lisa convinces Laura, who was doing the humpty dance right along with him.

In total, there were a bunch of guys as NYC has the most people to be suitors. Can L.A. say the same? So far - no. We have actors and Austrians - and a gladiator. A gladiator?

'I think I understand that women are gifts.' says the first guy, who is a blatant actor. He gives Lisa a toy computer, a little night, and a little car. The girls ask if he is a stalker. 'I'm not leaving until I get a yes.' He's not getting one, and out he goes.

Spike, the 48 year old gladiator is on next - and the girls very quickly show him the door and give him the thumbs down. Robert, the 35 year old Austrian Fitness model gets his shot - and he frames her picture. 'I have fallen in love with your picture, and now I want to fall in love with you.' he reads poetry to her and it does the trick. They invite him in - but I would be shocked if he got past the second round.

Errol is a 39 year old personal trainer - and he's an African-American who loves white women. 'I gave a girl a vibrator with my name on it...anyone likes to watch porn?' Errol blows it right there. 'At least he was honest'. says Simon. 'He admitted it.'

Speaking of porn, we get a montage of people taking off their clothes and doing push-ups. Lisa's reaction? 'No way in a million, billion years.' Guys, you get to a girl by undressing her heart, not undressing your shirt.

And then there's Scott - who p[lays the bagpipes. 'There's no volume on that, is ther.' says Laura. 'Are you ready to get married?' 'For a year'. D'oh. 'Busted'. Then there's Tai Kwan Do guy. 'Bring on the next freak!' yells Laura. Then there's the guy who comes in slapping his butt. 'It's a shame that there aren't as many quality guys in L.A.' moaned Lisa.

Well, next is a quality guy. Here's Corey - who's an African-American in the Air Force. So is Lisa's dad, so that's a connection. 'How many friends that you have who's a rocket scientist? You need one in your life.' Apparently Lisa does, as she accepts him and he salutes her.

After a brief interlude, we bring the freaks back. Scott, a 32 year old elementary school teacher, brings in his aikido sword - and doesn't let anyone touch it. 'I don't hold the door for anyone.' That doesn't bode well for Scott - and that really doesn't bode well for him when Lisa tries to touch the sword - and winds up touching Lisa. Lisa sends him out - and it looks like if she did get the sword, she would impale him with it. 'I'll take that sword and shove it up his butt.'

Scott, a 25 year old car salesman, gives Lisa a fortune cookie message that says romance and travel go together now'. He gets in - as does Mark, a 22 year old valet attendant. Rob shows her a picture of his grandmother, and that's good enough. Evan, who is a volleyball coach, gets in too. Dane lets it all out - he puts his clothes in front of him and the lawyer connives his way in too. That brings the guys up to 7 - and those are the people who get in.

There are your 20 guys. Next week, it will turn to 10 - and then it will be your turn. Next week, the women get one more chance to pare 20 down to 10.

7/23/03
We have toured four cities - and we have had four cities worth of....interesting contestants. But after all of the freaks and psychos, there are 20 people who have been considered 'dateworthy' by the trio of damsels. We will be getting to know only 10 of them by the time the show is over.

In the first city sweep, the 20 people were selected by Lisa and her friends. For this show, Lisa will be the person wh is doing the selecting. The men have been grouped up into sets of 5. Group 1 is the serious people, Group 2 is the 'little rough around the edges' group, group 3 is the 'jocks' and group 4 is the troublemakers. Though Laura and Kim will not be making any decisions, they will still be advisors.

The men have to make the date count - because at the end of the date, one of the men will be eliminated IMMEDIATELY. Those men are Dain the attourney, Darren the trader, Robert the Austrian, Rob the sales representative, and Evan - who sems like he would be the wildest in the group with the spiky hair.

What better to loosen yourself than Karaoke? Rob starts and my ears are going back into their normal sanctuary place - the bathroom. The men are just as good as you would expect them to be - they suck. Evan gets the most amount of points by coming out his shell. Darren gets a different song - 'Pretty Woman' - and he sounds halfway decent, I guess. Dain continues - and we only hear the last 5 seconds of his song. That does not bode well for Dain - but we'll wait on that.

Lisa invites Rob, Evan and Robert very quickly into the limo - and in they go. Losa's decision? 'Dain, you just didn't seem into it, so I'll ask Darren to come into the limo.' 'I'm not used to getting the girl' says Dain. Well, get used to it. Kim was happy about the decision - but Laura wasn't happy about it.

On to group #2 - Renda the street writer, Zach the unemployed Cupid artist, Nate the young college football player, Ben the therapist and Mark the bartender. How would these macho men react to a trip to the beauty salon? None of the guys have problems being prettied up - It's hard to take these guys seriously in what they are saying with white fluffy gel in their hair.

Everyone has something to say - except Zach, who has a problem telling Lisa what is intriguing about him. That doesn't give Lisa much to work on - and when you only have a day for Lisa to get to know you, that is another sign of disaster. Lisa invites Nate, Mark and Renda (and she changed her original vote on him from no to yes). Both remaining guys get chided by Lisa for being too shy - but Ben gets the nod. Both Kim and Laura were happy that Zach gets dumped as the main who was acting as Cupid behind a chair gets floored. I don't see Ben sticking around for too long either.

Now these 5 guys are all creative types - and Lisa wants them to get a sensitive side. Omar the guitarist, Scott S., Paco, Paul the playwright and Joe the real estate developer all get to go to the gun range to find some masculinity. Oh yeah, that's the way to find a guy - see how well he shoots a gun.

The only thinks that Joe seems to be shooing off is his mouth - but he is getting Lisa's attention and that's the way to play the dating game. This isn't Lisa's first time to the range - she nails every single shot - and she nails Joe, who is more than happy to come into the limo. Paul and Scott accompany her into the limo. The 2 shy people, Omar and Paco - are left. Lisa thinks that neither of them are there for her love, but she is willing to give Paco another chance. Omar's guitar playing has hit it's end.

Finally, it's the macho, macho men - Hank the trader, Ken (another trader), Dominic the bartender, Corey the rocket scientist and Scott R. the car salesman take off their athletic cleats and put on their dancing shoes. Hank and Lisa get the magic connection and they dance nicely. Lisa thought that Ken was too stiff, bordering on immature. Lisa liked the way that Corey dance - but didn't see an interaction with him. Dominic is not doing too well with the dancing - but it seems like he's doing very well with the charming. Scott R. had a terrible start - but he has size 14/15 feet. He also has been very quiet on the date - and we all know that Lisa does not like quiet.

Lisa does like Hank - and he gets the first ticket to go back into the limo. Dominic gets ticket #2 and Ken gets a shaky third ticket. The silence apparently wasn't as bad as the playing to the other guys, and Scott goes back indoors. The rocket scientist can go back to working with the metal toys - instead of the fleshy ones.

So where do the 16 remaining guys go to celebrate? Pool Party! Unbeknownst to the guys, one of them will be all wet when the party is over. Robert is asking Lisa to come sit on her lap - and he's playing with her wrist and arms and touching her bikini top. Robert is really trying to go after Lisa - perhaps too hard. 'Lisa may need a restraining order against him.'

Robert is not the only one who is a wooman-grabber. Evan wants Laura to sit on his lap - and he says that it's strictly platonic - and also saying that a vibe will come if he's interested and talks to her. That's not a good sign. Paco shows Kim his ear piercing. It's good to hold cigarettes, exclaims Paco. Oh yeah, that's attractive. Evan asks Kimberly to join him on his lap, but she declines - and tells Lisa what happens. Also joining the Dog Pound list is Marc, Nate, Robert and Paco (who's hygiene is awful).

That would be 5 people on the list to choose from - but Lisa only has to pick 1 of them. 'Evan - you can't ask 2 of my friends to sit on their lap and flirt with them.' and 'Robert, you can't touch my bikini top.' are Lisa's warnings to both men. Those two can stay - Paco, however, is gone.

We are down to 15 - and the next morning, that will be cut to 10. Those people will be staying in the bachelor pad - and they will be eliminated by the general public. Right now, 5 of them will be eliminated - but they each have a few minutes to spend with Lisa. There's nothing new to be learned here - it seems like the favorites keep saying the right things, while the people on the borderline seem to still be on the borderline.

Lisa has made her decisions - and instead of selecting 10 to stay, she will select 5 to go. Scott R., who had a very shake date, is the first person to go. Ben (which is not really a surprise, based on what happened on the date) is next. Nate the football player (who may be a little bit too immature) is the third to go and Mark (again no surprise) is fourth. 'I can't see myself getting married. Maybe she saw right through me'. The final person to go is Dan, who also had a shaky date.

The dates must have been more important than the pool party, because Evan the ladies man and Robert the Austrian is still here. joining them are Rob, Renda, Joe, Scott S., Paul, Hank, Ken and Dominic.

So who do I like to win? This seems weird, because it's not really a talent competition. But it's still a competition, and I think that Joe, Dominic, Rob and Hank are your forerunners. I also think that if this audence is twisted enough (which is a very good possibility), you may see the Austrian hanging around for a long time.

Next week starts the audience participation, and in 7 days, let the voting begin!

7/30/03
Today is the first day that the audience gets to decide who gets - or doesn't get - the hand of the lovely Lisa. We first get to see the thousands of people who had a shot at her, and then we take you to the screaming crowd of people in our studio.

Unlike America Idol, the men don't walk in - they are all seated down. Lisa, however, does walk in and the audience gives the traditional standing ovation for her. Laura and Kimberly are once again by Lisa's side, awaiting to give their opinion on how well - or awful - they think the guys are.

The dates aren't dates - they are more like challenges. This first challenge is for the contenders to get money from the audience - and then figure out a date with Lisa with the money that was earned.

Renda goes first - and I would expect him to do very well. He does, as he makes $47,24. Renda takes Lisa out on a frolicking shopping spree. He buys Lisa a matching outfit - which, in this case, is an afro wig and a black and white stripped shirt. He also takes Lisa out for hot dogs and reads poetry for her. The crowd seems to enjoy it, and I thought it was cute. What do the girls think? Laura is cncerned about his well-being, while Kim hopes that he sticks around - though she doesn't think that it's romantic. Renda wanted the date to be an extenion of him and Lisa agrees. She had a good time, which is a good start.

Next up is Ken the equity salesman. He is selling roses rolled up with newspaper, which worked very nicely - $86.28 worth of very nicely. He takes the money and takes Lisa out to dinner and a trip to the winery. That may not have been the right move, because the tour took a VERY long time. The date was very stuffy - and it doesn't look like Lisa likes stuffy. 'When Lisa chose you as one of the top 10, I thought it was a mistake. After seeing that I'm positive it was a mistake...all of the wine in that winery would not have helped her in that date. America, please do not vote for him.' Kim agreed with that and Lisa didn't want him to try so hard. That didn't go too well.

Bachelor #3 is Hank - and the options trader options to imitate George Bush. Apparently, we have some Bush-supporters - he makes $60.38. Hank sets up a little picnic with Lisa, who is very impressed with the spread. She is also impressed with the conversation and she gives him a hug, with her saying 'I don't want to leave you' at the end. It looks like a success. Laura is happy with his progress and Kim appreciates him being gentlemanly and not asking for the kiss after the first date. Hank can't wait for his next date - and neither can Lisa.

Evan is the volleyball coach - and he attempts to breakdance badly. The audience believes that you get what you pay for - he makes a measly 9 bucks. 'It's going to have to be a very cheap date.' They wind up creating castles (and jacuzzis and hot tubs) in the sand - and Evan buries Lisa in it. Evan loves the chemistry, and they shared a smooch under the towel. Layra says that she may have been wrong, as they had a great time. Kim? 'Evan, I trust you as far as I can throw you...You don't really like her and I don't really like you.' Evan - 'Can I lie down and you start kicking me?'

Maybe people will be kicking Joe, as he offers affection and hugs for money. I don't see this working at all - but he made a surprising $51.30, which shocked me. It shocked him too - because he was expecting money in the hundreds. Joe treats Lisa to a pedicure - and Lisa was all over it. 'This is what marraige means to me.' she says - and he treats her to a pizza and food in an Italian restaurant. The conversation, which is more important, worked for Lisa - but what was more important was that he spent $80 on the date - he only made $51, remember? So Joe did cheat and disobeyed the rules. Should he be knocked out for that? Or should the fact that he paid out of his pocket for the date give him bonus points? Laura was happy that he spent more money. 'At least you spent the money on a wig.' while Kim plays the other way and was upset that he did break the rules. Lisa? 'Honesty is really the most important policy for me, so keep that in mind for next time.' Hmmmmm.....

We start the second half of the dating with Scott the corporate strategist. He offer smacks for a dollar - as he offers people to hit him for money. Apparently, there are some very angry people - he makes $61. 'When I meet her, I expect to get to second base.' Wha? They talk movies and movie references, and Scott was very impressed with her - maybe more impressed than Lisa was with him. We'll soon see, but the other 2 women disagree. 'I can see you walking down the aisle - but as the best man, not the groom' adding that he can be the best friend. Kim, on the other hand, likes him a lot and Lisa wants her husband to be her best friend and she had a great time. Mixed reactions here.

Let's see what Robert had in mind. After a bizarre funeral display, Robert changes his act and becomes a Chippendale model. That works better, as he makes $40.25. That's enough to take her around an amusement park, but the look on her face looks very similar to the one with Ken - no chemistry. There was a LOT of silence on Lisa's part - and that was not a good sign. Laura - 'I despise you...she didn't even look at you. If America votes you back in, I'll think the whole country has gone mad.' Kim - 'Surprise - me and Laura agree on something. If America votes for you, It means that you and Lisa will have to go out again, and I don't think I can bear you going out on another date with Lisa.' OUCH. Robert reads some unintelligble poetry, and Lisa, taking the VERY high road, tells Robert to ask questions if they go out again.

Domenic is a sports therapist - and he decides to take his talents to the streetm using massages for money. He is good at his trade - he makes $68.22 and decides to take Lisa to see some other animals -= at the zoo. That is a great idea for a date, and Lisa seems to be thrilled with that. Domenic had a great time with her, and it seems to be one of the keepers. Laura gives her an sign of approval and Kim thinks that he's adorable. Lisa agrees and Domenic looks like a keeper.

Rob, who is a salesman, is going to try to pitch his siging talent. After hearing him, it sounds like a strikeout, but he hits a homerun - $95.45. That is more than good enough to have a sushi dinner, which impresses her. She doesn't seem to be having as good of a time - and less of a good time when the bill came and he didn't have enough money to tip. Laura and Kim go down on him, but Lisa comes down to Rob's defense. Too bad she didn't say anything about liking the date, and that silence can speak volumes.

FInally, we have Paul, the playwright from NYC. He plays guitar, but he hits a sour note with onlt $43,08. He decides to do the picnic thing as well - He wants to enjoy the moment and he plays some music for Lisa. She likes it, and they hang out like friends, but I don't see any sparks here either. Laura doesn't buy what Paul is selling why Kim thinks that him being here is for self-promotion. 'Lisa hates to be sung to.' Lisa said that she had the best time with Paul - but was it good enough?

After the 10 dates, our host Brian asks which of the people will America not vote for. This one ought to be a slam dunk against Robert the Austrian - and it is. 8 of them say Robert the Austrian (with Scott and Paul getting the other 2 votes). Laura also want to see Robert out, while Kim wants to get rid of Ken. We end the show with the traditional 'Here are the numbers to call if you want to vote for these guys' and we are out.

So what do I think? In this case, like American Idol, there are 3 levels of guys - the forerunners (Hank, Domenic, Joe), the people who are borderline (Renda, Paul, Scott, Rob) and the people who have no chemistry whatsoever (Robert, Ken, Evan). The key here is to see what the audience thinks - if they are a normal audience, then Robert, Ken and Evan are destined for the bottom. If they are a loopy audience (and in this sort of show, I can imagine there will be a percentage of America who would love to make this a farce), Robert will make it to the Final 4. Tune into the show next week to see which portion of American is voting right along with us.

8/5/03
I am doing this recap right after the recap of Last Comic Standing (which makes sense, since this show is right after the end of Last Comic Standing). Why am I writing this? Because I wrote something in the review that I can also use here:

The show should NEVER have been painted in such a way that would give a comedian an edge over his peers by making him an underdog - just simply because the audience votes for the underdog, regardless of how good he is.

The 'he' is, of course, Dat Phan, who winds up winning the competition because, in my opinion, he was more likable than the competition, not that he was funnier. What if the opposite is true? What if someone wins a competition because other people are deemed not likeable?

This show is the case in point. Meet Lisa. She is nice enough - but she has not exactly beet portrayed as likable in my eyes. Her 2 friends have not been painted as sympathetic characters at all, but witches who take great pleasure in cutting the perspective suitors down. At leas with SImon, in American Idol 2, you can see where he's coming from and you can agree with him. I do not share those same views and I am leaning towards the side of the suitors.

Why is this dangerous for them? Because in this group, inexplicable, there is one person by the name of Robert who is an Austrian who is just blatantly the wrong person. He doesn't speak English, he makes a grab for Lisa's bikini top - yet this person has so much more personality then the other suitors (and I am mischevious enough) to vote for him to stay on the show. If there are many people who feel like I do, then this could turn into a giant farce as we keep seeing Lisa go one miserable date after one miserable date with Robert. That could be far and away more entertaining than Lisa going out with the man of her dreams. Does the audience want to play the game - or is their contempt for Lisa's friends so equivalent to mine that they will purposely keep the Austrian on the show?

We will find out right now, as it's time to begin! Brian is here to tell us so - and he's also here to tell us that each guy has a little toy arrow. As long as he has it, he is still in the game, but when he gets the lowest amount of votes, Brian breaks the arrow and sends him home. 'You think it's bad getting dumped? Try getting dumped on live national television.'

After being reacquainted with Lisa and her 2 wit...I mean friends ('Who needs guard dogs when you have Laura?' asks Brian), as we find out that the people with the fewest amount of votes are...Ken (which is to be expected)...and...Rob. Not Robert the Austrian, but Rob, mr sushi.

Well, that's interesting. Apparently not only is the Austrian not being eliminated, but he's not in the bottom two. Robert may have a fan club. This is obviously not what Lisa wants. It's really not what Lisa wants when we see that ROB is eliminated and Ken gets to 'live to love another day'. In his final speech, Rob says that he enjoyed her company, and Lisa hopes to see Rob in the outside world. Rob hugs Lisa and leaves the studio set.

But Lisa may not be as unhappy with the fact that Rob is as much as she has to have another date with Robert and Ken. Meanwhile, for all of you people who want to date Rob, go to cupid.com and MAYBE you can be Rob's date on the final show. Oh joy, oh melodious rapture.

So here is the second date - the people have to take Lisa on a date based on their hobbies. Joe starts this week - and he enjoys driving around to star at houses. Uh...yeah. He takes Lisa around to look at dream houses - and they cuddle together on the couch, Is it just me, or does Lisa look very uncomfortable with Joe's arms around her? They get to see houses with a swimming pool and a 2 lane bowling alleys. They get to know more about each other, and besides the sofa scene it's harmless enough. Laura adores Joe and Kim agrees. Joe is at a loss for words and Lisa had a great time. Joe stays in the front pack.

Evan is up - and he wants to skate. 'I don't know how to skate, but my hobby is that I like to learn hobbies.' That sounds like a copout from someone who doesn't to reveal that much about himself. Evan does reveal that he's quiet and a class clown. They do get to skate and Lisa gets to sit on Evan - and stroke the back of his neck and head. Hmmmmmm....he has a crowd supporting him - and Laura supports Evan too. Kim says that she may be wrong. Lisa would like to see a third date and that opposites do attract.

Renda, who didn't get raves on the first date, is third - and as a street poet, he reads her some poetry in the park - which suspiciously seems like the first date. Blah. This time, he has Lisa write poetry and he does like the good suitor should do - he praises her and lets some balloons go. They wind up with an 'eskimo kiss' as they rub noses. Did he rub the women the right way? yes - Laura is happy - but she wanted to see some action. Kim was impressed by that too - but she doesn't think that there is a connection and I have to side with Kim. Lisa tells Renda to not listen to Kim. Hmmm...

And here's the date that we all want to see - Robert. He takes Lisa BOWLING! This, of course, is one of my favorite things to do, and he shows her how to do it - strikes and all. He also sings and raps to Lisa - and lets just say that we're better off seeing him bowl instead. Lisa once again has the 'please get me out of here' look. The audience eats it up, though - and I'll have to see him back just so I can get more comic relief. 'I hope there are more dates coming like this one.' says Robert. Laura hopes not. 'I am embarrassed to be in the same country as you...vote for him, America - I will hunt you down one by one.' Lisa wants Robert to find out more about her. 'Work with me more.' I think Laura's hate is going to royally backfire on her - and I don't see Robert leaving yet.

Do I see Hank leaving this week? Not at all, as the forerunner takes Lisa fishing. Lisa has never fished either, but she does catch a fish. Did Hank reel himself a catch? The date was nice and simple, and he did a decent job. The women love her -but they want the kiss, which Hank hasn't provided for the past 2 dates. Hank says that they will get it eventually - and they get goaded into doing it now. Awwww w- big marks for everyone.

Scott wants to make the grade - and as a movie fan, he takes Lisa on to a movie studio set. She is talkative when it comes to movie trivia - but less so when Scott is asking about kissing - Lisa turns him down - and judging by the fact that almost all of the other men have kissed her, that spells trouble. The audience lets him have it and boos him. The women let her have it too - 'Are you reading her body language? If you aren't, read my lips. Lisa is not attracted to you.' I'll have to agree with that. Lisa accuses him of being too forceful and tells him to let it happen naturally.

Someone who didn't let it go naturally last week was Ken - he tries to make it up this week by taking her to a volleyball match. She challenges her to a volleyball match - and it's more like a lesson than a date. This was truly painful to watch - at least Robert's date was entertaining. Ken does score points by talking to her - but the conversation about buying cars and discussing about mathematical inaccuracies is about as entertaining as watching paint dry. We once again get a 'Get me out of here' look from Lisa, as Ken tries to speed things up - which of course, doesn't happen. Poor Ken - but I see him back in the bottom two. Paul is up - and he likes to ride on horses. Lisa is invited to come horse around with him. She is not a horse buff - and that is an early problem, but she seems to be more comfortable as the date goes on. They wind up cuddling at the end, and it seems like with Lisa's kiss, the date is solid. Laura is still thinking that Paul is a player - but Lisa trusts Paul. Does America trust him enough to keep him around?

Dominic wants to show Lisa that he's mature, so he's going to show her how mature he is by...going to a bar. Nice. Seriously, Domenic went to bartending school, so he's going to show her the ropes and show her how to mix drinks. They d o mix drinks - and Dominic shows that he can also mix in some good conversation. The share some drinks - and share some saliva. Dom calls Lisa the best bartender ever, and he could be a dark horse here. Laura thinks that he's hot and that he passed the test - but Kim doesn't think that he's ready for marriage. Lisa doesn't want to hear the age thing from Kim again and she had a great time.

That's it for the dates - but we still have some time left to show you the phone numbers of all of the guys. Once again, we get the poll who the guys should get rid of - and this time around we have a split decision. The girls aren't asked the same question this time, and it's a goodnight to everyone. This looks like a pretty obvious one to me - Ken and Scott get to go into the bottom 2, and Ken gets shown the door. Have I read the audience correctly, or will we be getting more surprises? We will see next Tuesday.

8/12/03
As we continue to cut people, I can't help but wonder - to make up the time lost on the fact that we have less dates, will we be getting a performance by Ruben Studdard in the waning hours of the series? Will that be enough to post up ratings?

That is waiting to be seen - but we do have to get rid of another person - which means that we do have to get rid of another person. After the silliness that starts the episode, we see that Ken again is one of the bottom two. Joining him this week is Scott - and I'm guessing that based on the last date, he's toast. But wait - he now have someone else. Like American Idol, we have a bottom three - and the third person is Renda. I'm right - Scott is indeed gone, and Ken gets to hang out for another week.

Robert the mad Austrian is again nowhere near the bottom, and I am sensing that he may be near the top in terms of voting. Wouldn't it be fun to see Lisa get stuck with Robert? Then we'll really see if she's in it for the love of the million dollar dowery.

But I digress - we still have 7 dates to go through - in addition to Robert's date, as well. We get the theme - and someone, apparently, has been watching too much Cram. How much fin would it be to have the guys not sleep for 24 hours, then buy Lisa an outfit with $1,000 in cash? To make things even more fun, she has to wear the outfit to whatever date the guy plans. As long as Graham Elwood isn't involved in the sketch, I guess I can go with that...

Especially after I see what Ken, date #1, picks out - a nice backless dress with a pink bra - which you can see through the dress. Nice, Ken. Laura gives Ken back the bra - and they finally get to having a normal conversation. Now where was this for the first date? Laura and Kim both like him, which means one thing for next week - odds are that he's toast.

Evan decides that he wants to try on the women's clothing - so he puts on both the bra and the panties. He thinks that they look fine, and naturally, that doesn't fit Lisa. Neither does his date, which includes them going to a surf-like restaurant, dancing in a parking lot, and Lisa kissing him off-camera and through a ole in Evan's button-down shirt. Maybe Evan needs someone like Tom in Paradise Hotel. Neither Laura or Kim like him and neither do I.

Dominic is at least thinking about this the right way - why look stupid getting her a bra, etc, when he can get her pajamas? Cute pajamas with a butterfly on the rear end. They wind up having a pajama party, and they drink - what else - booze. That seems to be a running theme with their dates, and sure enough, they wind up liquored up on Domenic's bed by the time the evening is done. I wonder if they have a no-sex clause on the contract, because if they don't, date @4 will wind up there. Domenic obviously wins if this was based on lust, but I don't see much love here. The girls let him have it. Dom loses a lot of points in my book, and it wouldn't surprise me if he winds up in the bottom three next week.

Paul returns us to the land of women's lingerie - and he gets her a miniskirt. But it should be called more of an itsy-bitsy-teenie-weeny skirt. Lisa sees this and immediately gets a napkin to cover her...uhhh....assets which pop out when she sits down. They decide what to eat by each of them eliminating items on the menu until they settle on steak. Lisa tells Paul that she likes him, and this is the first time in this episode that you can actually see some sort of chemistry going on. Kim and Laura still don't like him and are accusing him of promoting himself. He denies it - but he does mention the play that he is doing. Hmmmmmm...could the women be right this time?

Could Renda, who finds himself on the bottom 3, redeem himself? Not starting out, when he brings a model to the counter and tells the cashier that he wants what the model is wearing. Lisa and Renda wind up dating at a health food store and they talk healthy. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. They do converse, which is a start, but Renda, Evan and Paul are in the same 'these people are weird' boat. It did look like Lisa enjoyed herself, but Laura and Kim want to know what on Earth she's thinking, and frankly, so do I.

I can't wait to see what Robert does this time - and he does not disappoint. He puts his fingers through the lingerie and he actually squirts perfume on the panties. I am not making this up and I don't know whether to be laughing or to be disturbed. He compliments this with a yellow slinky dress and mirrored shoes. Lisa is shocked to see this - and she's really shocked when Robert bawls to Lisa. He explains this to the audience that he misses his family in Austria and that Lisa reminds him of his family. Robert is crazy - crazy like a fox. There is no way that he will be getting voted off in the next few episodes and he has elevated himself to a serious threat to win this whole thing.

Another favorite is Hank - and he picks out a safe black dress to match his black outfit. We find out that hank and Lisa like the same type of food - tongue. They finally get a kiss - and they say that they didn't use any tongue. The women still think that he's sweet and I still rate him in the top 3.

We end this with the other person that I think is in the top 3 - Joe. He is the smartest of them, as he doesn't pick it out himself - he lets a salesperson, who has apparently have gotten sleep, select the best thing for Lisa. That is smart - and the date, which has them going under different bridges, is smart too. Perhaps the most telling thing is the conversation - they talk about their future together and Lisa definitely has a connection with him.

Brian, in fear that the people who are voting for Robert actually want him gone, remind us that you are voting for the person that you want around. This means to me that Robert may actually have the most amount of votes. Well, I don't want Robert gone - and I do want him to win this thing. They may be getting the message when Brian asks the audience how many people think that Laura and Kim should be the next to go - and the audience goes nuts. This comes right after Laura says that she wants Robert gone, and Cupid may have gotten the hint that they are painting Robert to be the sentimental underdog.

Can Robert win the whole thing? Will Laura and Kim figure it out? Will Ken survive another bullet? We'll find out in a week's worth of time.

8/19/03
In our last episode, Brian McFayden showed us all why Ryan Seacrest is getting the big bucks by making a impassioned, yet horrible plea to check their voting (aka - GET RID OF ROBERT). He said it, not me, as I have been voting for Robert every week. Did Brian's plea work? Or is the audience more like myself, who is much more entertained with the bad dates than the good one, and just wants to get rid of the boring people first?

We find out now, as we get the suitors and the suitee, and the friends of the suitee. We start off - instead of the booting off, a little 'guy talk'. Everyone misses Scott, Paul is getting upset that he is a player, Robert is in love with her, and everyone else is being catty about everyone else. This cattiness gets to be seen across America - and only Robert looks good in the video. Way to make your candidates look good, gang,

And speaking of the candidates, Renda, Paul and Even are your people in peril. Everyone was shocked when Evan's name was called - and the women are upset that those three are there. Well, kids, you savaged them last week, so it's no wonder that they are out there.

Evan is the first person to be sent back to the happy set of chairs - and Laura and Kim are flustered as to who to get rid of. Paul gets to be sent to...the outside - he has the lowest number of votes and there will be no more play promoting on the show. Paul says that he'll never forget the ride - and to see his play on monday (ok, he didn't say that, but he wanted to). Brian does some promoting for match.com, and Paul has gone bye-bye.

What's amazing is not that Paul is out - but that neither Robert nor Ken are in the bottom three. 'I don't understand what America is thinking...there's clearly people sitting up there that I don't have as strong of a connection with that I had with Paul...I thought it made it pretty clear that Paul and I had a great time and there are people up there who shouldn't be up there.' Laura calls the audience out - and wonders why Paul is gone and why Robert is still up there. 'I Can't imagine how America could do something to someone as sweet as Lisa is.' Well, I have the reason - Lisa isn't sweet - she's a whiner, Laura is a witch, Kim is mean-spirited and I hope that Ken and Robert are 2 of the final three people left. A candid moment with my thoughts...

On to the theme for the week - all of the men get 4 kids - and they have a date with Lisa and the kids. At the end of the date, they also asked the kids what they thought of the guy, This should be interesting on what they thought about Robert...

Dominic is up, and being that he's 22, he should do well. Robert tells the kids to go trace themselves. That's what Dominic considers fun? The kids thought that he lost control. When Lisa shows up, they Trace her and put glitter in her hair. That leads Dominic to say that he's not ready for kids. Lisa is. Uh-oh. The kids say that he's not mature enough and that he wouldn't make a good dad. That's not a glowing review. Laura and Kim both agree and she gets booed by the audience. Dominic is starting to get into it with the women, and that's not the way to stick around. Lisa tries to play the peacemaker, but this was clearly Dominic's first bad date.

We get the AT and T poll - and most of you say that you met the love of your life as friends first. Whoopee.

Evan is next - and he takes them to a mock karate class. He's trying to impress Lisa, but wouldn't you think that he should make the kids happy? Apparently, he succeeds - the kids were happy with the fake karate lesson - Lisa was less than thrilled, but she played along and the kids were happy. Evan is very good with the kidlets and playing along with his 'no kissing in public' rule (which works in front of the kids), he gets her under the karate robe. Wowzers. Laura was impressed, but Kim wants to see the real Evan, who wants some little ninjas of his own. Lisa says the she needs to be more clear and that Evan is one of his favorites. Since she says that, I expect him to stay in the botom three.

Joe says that he loves kids. He's going to do a skit with the kids - and saying that they are playing house. The kids look very very bored. The kids thought he was nice - and the play does turn up well when Lisa shows up. They did give them freedom to have fun, and they liked it. Lisa really enjoys Joe - but I think Joe could be covered in mosquitos and tar paper and Lisa would be enjoying Joe's company. The kids liked him too - another positive date. The women are nitpicking when they saw Joe give his kid a fake wad of money - and Lisa really had fun with the date.

Will she say the same thing about Robert? Of course not - but Robert loves children. He does a puppet play - and he tells the kids about his adventures with Lisa. They do a puppet show - and that goes over very well with the kids. They also do a puppet show where the kids play with the puppets and Robert tells Lisa that they have to do what the puppets do - and Robert weasels out his first kiss. Lisa gets the upper hand, though, and calls 'Pillow Fight!'. The kids deck him with pillows and that ends the date. The kids liked Robert as a dad - but they think that Lisa would only like her as a friend. Laura savages him about the date with the kids and Kim says 'Congratulations, Robert, you have won the prize for the most creepiest date ever.' Laura continues her tirade, which gets this from Bryan - 'Laura, you don't have to be a complete bitch every time you speak.' Good words, but the women continue to trash him anyway. Let he restate my opinion - Robert is clearly not the man for Lisa - but I want to see him on the show for the ever-dwindling entertainment value that this show has.

I think the kids will do well with Renda - and he starts by sending the kids through art school. They are showing Lisa pics - and the theme is wedding bumper stickers. Sure, that's not being subliminal, is it? The kids continue to paint and it seems like they have a good time. Laura agrees - but wonders about the financial stability. Laura, that wasn't in the skit. Wha? They want to keep him there - just because he's not Robert.

I'm guessing that Ken may be joining Robert - especially when he tells the kids to hit him with bottles and to do exercises. 'I have no idea what this is going to do for me.' says Ken. Neither do I. 'It's not easy to get to know him when you're making him doing sit-ups.' The kids are playing ball with him and Lisa has that 'Please take me anywhere, maybe even back to Robert, but not here.' look. Even the kids say that Lisa did not want to be here. This was a total disaster - it was a complete mess and Ken dropped around 50 notches below everyone else - maybe except Robert.

Hank, the other favorite, is up - and he teaches the kids to learn things in a different language. This goes about as over as sticking a cat in a vat of boiling water. 'You have to know the languages before you teach them.' Plan B - and the kids decide to talk. The conversation gets across well and the date was nice enough. If it was Ken or Robert who was doing this, they get savaged, but since it's Hank, the women love him. Lisa tells Joe that

How desperate are they to get rid of Ken and Robert? Brian now does a display of what to do with your wireless keyboard. And they are setting the audience up, for the first time, to boo the guys they don't want. Laura wants to see Robert go - because she thinks that he's a pervert. Kim wants to get rid of Ken.

Are the kids going to be a better judge of character than the adults? The kids were pretty right on - but it's the adults who are voting. You know who I personally want to see in the top 3 (Ken, Robert, and Renda). But how will the audience vote? The same way that I think they have voted for all show - the people with the smallest fan clubs will leave - which means the people with the milquetoast personalities. Renda, Evan and Joe should be at the bottom three, not because they should, but because that's how I think America will vote. Am I right? We'll see on Tuesday.

8/26/03
After tonight, we will almost be down to the halfway mark, which makes you think - if Robert again isn't in the bottom three, that means that he's in the top 4. Could there be any chance that he's in first? Could there be a realistic shot that he could actually walk off with Lisa? How cool would that be?

It will not be cool for one of the guys left, because they will be leaving. Bryan gives us the news that 3 weeks from tonight, one of the guys may be marrying Lisa live! Let's see - 3 weeks, 6 people to go. This seems like another multiple person-dumping mercy series killing to me. (See FAME, All-American Girl, etc.)

We see the guys come in and the women are greeted by this lovely phrase, 'We see the beauties - how about the beasts?' asks Bryan - and we get to see Laura and Kim. We also get to see the ripple effect at the guys house. 'This whole house is in so morbid.' says Renda. 'I just want Lisa to know that the whole dates made me feel good...about myself.' That's NOT a way to get Lisa. Also not a way it so trash Robert, which is what all of the guys do. Ken is getting pissed that he keeps getting trashed by the ladies every single week.

Well, someone will not be getting trashed this week - because they will be gone. The bottom three this week are Renda, Ken and...DOMINIC. Robert is still safe, and Dominic escapades with the kids may cost him - but it won't cost Renda, as he gets to go back to the happy seat. Of course, both women want to see Ken go - and this time, they get their wish. Ken finally gets knocked out of the game. We get the highlights of Ken on the show...well, there aren't many, just Lisa bad-mouthing Ken. Ken takes it gracefully, and thanks them for being there. Lisa says that she has had an amazing time with him - well, that's not what she has been saying on the show. We'll be getting back to Lisa and her sense of hypocrisy.

Speaking of hypocrisy, Laura says that there wasn't that many wrong things with him - and Kim agrees. This lack of honesty is one of the reasons why America wants to see Lisa with Robert.

Let's see what show we can steal from - I know! Meet My Folks and the Bachelor! The guys get to take Lisa home to the guy's friends and family. Renda starts first and takes Lisa to NYC. Renda takes Lisa to see his parents - and they all are wearing groucho glasses and funny noses. They get along well with Lisa, and it's obvious that she's into him. They have seen the show - and they are very satisfied with how they have been portrayed. Renda is willing to change to be with Lisa. Are the women willing to change their mind? Laura apparently has - but she has a problem with their kiss. Wha? 'The kissing thing? You weren't there.' counters Renda. Lisa was very happy with the date, and is happy.

Evan is next up - and his parents live by the beach. They have a big gathering. Jeannie, Evan's stepmother, falls in love with Lisa - but we are starting to see a little friction here when Evan tells her about his insecurities. 'Their dates are nothing like our dates' says Lisa, and they share a smooch. They are both nice to him - which surprises Evan, as it does me. Lisa is happy too, but she is concerned with his maturity. 'You are either going to have to get past it, or we're both going to lose.' That does not sound like a ringing endorsement...

Will she be endorsing Hank? Kym and Meggan, Hanks friends, are endorsing him, and the family wants a to make sure that Lisa is right for Hank. They do - but something concerns me about him - he wants to take his clothes off and tells her that if it extends to the weekends, that he can't share her. Kim is wondering about his Jekyll and Hyde personality, and he says that he will not act the same when he's with the guys as when he's with Lisa. That seems fair enough to me, but I can't help but wonder about that split personality thing and that Hank isn't being completely honest here....hmmmmmmm.....

Now that we know that the friends and family have seen the show, I can't wait to see what happens when Lisa meets Robert's family. 'She doesn't care about having me in the family, so why should I care about having her in my family?' He brings her to meet his friends, and I expect to let her have it. I am not disappointed. 'The whole thing has gotten a little carried away.' Roland takes Robert out and they all break it down in front of both of them. Roland, Robert's friend, explains that Robert is a changed person once he met Lisa and to give him a chance to talk about what's going on. That finally clears the air, and maybe they can get to civilized dating. They hug and even share a smooch. The women tone down their act considerably, which is a good idea to get rid of him. Do I see that happening? no.

Dominic is clearly on thin ice - and he needs a very good date to keep him in this one. The parents quickly tell her that age should not be a factor - they got married at 22 and 25 years. Everyone is very happy with her - and that is a big improvement over last week. Laura says that it's not about age - it's about maturity and he's not mature enough. Kim agrees, but Dominic thinks that Lisa and him are a great couple. I agree that he is the next person to be booted, since it's obvious that Lisa is not as into him as she is with the others.

Finally, we get to see Joe, who takes Lisa to see a house. Huh? After that, he gets to show Lisa his family. Joe has a typical Italian family, and his sisters tell Lisa all about Joe. Lisa wins the family over with a traditional Italian get-together, and it seems like Lisa complies. Laura wonders if Lisa's temperament is right for Joe, but she loves him. Kim wonders if it's competition - Joe says that it is - but he wants to marry her. The women are getting vibes that it's not the case - and I didn't see any pictures of them being romantic. Hmmm....

Who should America not vote for this week? Laura says Dominic, Kimberly says Robert and Bryan says that we have run out of time. So how will America play it this week? The women try to play a different tactic with Robert, but I don't think that it will help - he will probably stay. Dominic, I think, is in severe trouble, and I think that Renda and Evan join him in the bottom three. But with 3 weeks to go in the series, is it possible that there could be multiple eliminations? Or could it be that the top vote getter out of 4 people will win? We'll find that out next week.

9/3/03
With only 2 more episodes after this one, you wonder how they would end this show. If you do the math, we have 6 contestants left - and 3 episodes - which means that if you get rid of one guy an episode, you would still have 4 people left in the running for the finale. This would play right into the hands of Robert, the guy who Lisa would want absolutely no part of. The other idea would be to eliminate 2 people at a time from here on out, and hoping that Robert would be caught in the backdraft to leave Joe and Hank left in the finals. Would that be ethical? Of course not, but since when are any of the big networks shy about changing the rules when it comes to trying to end a show that has been a dog in the ratings.

Strolling right along, we see Bryan barking out orders to the audience to applaud for the guys, then Lisa, then for her two bouncers...he means Laura and Kim, of course. After the pleasantries, we see more footage of the house, and how the guys are once again hating on each other. The focus this time (besides Dominic whining about how he's going to be booted out of the house) is Hank - and how it seems like he's getting away with stuff that no one else is. Hank himself is saying that he wouldn't let himself get caught up in the romance, while both Robert and Renda are already caught up in it - Robert to the point that he can't look at the other guy's dates.

Just another point here - all this video footage is doing is making Robert look good. He and Renda are the ONLY 2 people who seem like they actually love this girl - even your favorites, Joe and Hank, are treating this like a competition, and as a voter, this turns me off to both of them. Now I understand that CBS shouldn't be doctoring the footage - and I'm glad they are not, but if they want to set this up so that Hank and Joe are in the finals, this is not the way to do it.

America, apparently, agrees with me, as the bottom 2 of Dominic and Renda have a new playmate - Joe. Renda gets to go back to the happy chair, which means that either Domenic or Joe would be leaving. The girls, who are still unhappy that Robert is not in the bottom three, would be pleased to see Dominic go - and I would think that America would probably agree - but America hasn't helped the girls much so far - and they are not going to start now. Joe gets knocked out, to the shock of the audience and the women.

Joe, like all of the guys, was graceful about it. 'It's a lot easier to accept getting rejected by America than it is just by you'. Awwwwbleagh. Joe also campaigns America to toss their votes for him over to Evan - yeah, like America will listen to that - although if they do, it would set up an interesting Evan Vs. Hank Vs. Robert match at the end. They hug and Joe leaves, which leaves 5 guys left and a steamed off Laura and Kim.

The 5 people who are left had this assignment for their next date - cook. Not just for Lisa - but for her family, who she is bringing along. Think of it as last week, reversed. Once again, I can't wait to see how Robert deals with this one...

...Especially if it comes remotely close to what happened with Evan. He decides that the best way to do this would be to cook up some Hawaiian Fajitas - and he admits that he's a bad cook. If you are a bad cook, you do NOT want to make something like a fajita - and that shows when the family comes over. Mike, Lisa's father, senses that Evan is as good making fajitas as he is at pleasing Laura and Kim and he takes over the dinner. 'This was a disaster' says Evan - but not nearly as much of a disaster as when Mike asks him if he is ready for marriage. 'Yes...with the right girl.' BZZZZZZ! That is NOT the answer that you want to give when you are vying for Lisa's hand in marriage. The correct answer is 'Yes, if I am the person that America chooses to be with Lisa.' This is showing to me that Evan is looking at this as a competition, and not as a quest for love. Laura and Kim rightfully pound on him for his behavior, but Lisa, ever the optimist (and not allowed to say anything nasty about her suitors), says that he made lemons out of lemonade. It seemed more like he made lemon fruitcake, and if America picks up on this like I did, then I don't think Joe's campaigning will stop Evan from falling into the bottom 3.

Renda, who is looking better and better every week, does the smart thing, which Evan should have done - he creates salads where the family decides what goes into it. It's very hard to screw up a salad, and Renda doesn't do it. What's even more important is that he's starting to make connections with the family. The family also sees that Renda, though making money on the street, can also make money out of business - he has a business degree and him and Mike get serious. That was a great connection - until, like Evan, Renda opened his mouth at the worse possible thing - he suggested that one way to make money would be to throw a party and to have people pay to meet him and Lisa. Wha? Remember when I said that only Robert and Renda were falling in love? Cross Renda off of that list. The girls also savage Renda, and also quite deservedly. Lisa even gets in a quote showing her disapproval, as she didn't want to be a 'a circus freak-show money-making wife.' That's not good for someone who has been in the bottom three for almost the past month.

Hank invites everyone to his place - the farm. Hank also plays it smart - he makes a good meal, and he invites people to ask him questions about him. He is very good in terms of talking about his job, but once again, he falls into footinmouthitis with the rest of the guys when he tells the parents that when he has enough money, he'd like to retire and open up his own organic farm. That doesn't make dad happy, and he can't imagine Lisa on a farm, but he gives his blessing anyway - as long as Lisa is happy. Lisa said that she would be - but when she has kids, she doesn't want to have her job anymore. A million dollars would go a long way to making sure that she didn't need her job...and I'm sure Hank sees it. Laura and Kim still gush over him, but I have to wonder what Hank's motives are and even if he wants Lisa for love, if they are even compatible in terms of future plans.

We haven't had a home run date yet - and Domenic is going to keep the streak at zero. He burns his sausage for starters (that's GOTTA hurt), and then he gets burned by all of the questions that the parents (and Laura and Kim) are throwing at him. Lisa tries to end the inquisition by offering a burnt weenie (which I'm sure that Dominic feels like) to Mike, but you can tell that things aren't going to get better. They don't. Dominic pulls a page out of Evan's idiocy play book, saying 'I think I'm ready versus I know I'm ready.' when it comes to marriage. That doesn't help and he continues to get savaged by everyone. He does get a reprieve with Lisa on the couch, but the message is painfully clear - sure they are a lust-bunny group - maybe even a love bunny group - but he is not ready to get married in 2 weeks.

With none of the dates looking too good, the person who could wind up capitalizing on this is...Robert? The door is wide open for him to have the best date of the episode - and he prepares for it by cooking up some Austrian soup. He almost winds up in the soup when Mike talks to him about his previous dates with Lisa, as they were....uh....shall we say...entertaining. 'Your daughter made me nervous. I don't know what else can I say.' Well, that's the understatement of the year. They wind up eating food that's surprisingly good, and dad is surprisingly impressed with Robert. 'You're a different person than I thought you were going to be. And I mean that as a compliment'. After the food, Robert asks Lisa if she wants a massage, and I expect the world to come crashing down on him. Surprisingly, Lisa says YES, and she wasn't forced into it at all. Wow. He takes her up on the offer, and that ends the date. The women turn on both Robert for offering the massage, Lisa for accepting the massage, and back to Robert, telling him that he still has no shot at Lisa. Is there anything that will make those 2 happy? Sheesh.

With space filler left, we have time for - the guys final statements for the episode. Robert says he's surprised that he's not in the bottom three and that he wants Lisa. Hank says that it's not a competition and that he doesn't care about the money. Dominic wants to convince America that he's the right guy, Evan doesn't want his heart broken if he is not picked, and Renda says that Lisa is worth fighting for.

We end this one with the women. Laura wants Renda gone, while Kim wants Dominic gone. No nay-saying for Robert? Either the women have started to soften (doubtful), or they realize that the only way to have a shot to get rid of Robert is to make him look decent, so the audience won't think that he's on trouble - and won't vote for him. DON'T LET THAT FOOL YOU, AMERICA!!!! VOTE FOR ROBERT!!!!!

This was a great time for the guys to shine like diamonds - but instead, almost all of them have been looking like coal. When you see that Robert, the bizarre (yet entertaining) Austrian, easily did the best, that spells trouble for the rest of the suitors. Could Robert have a serious shot to win this? More importantly, is Lisa starting to fall for him? We'll see if next week continues that pattern - or if this week was a fluke and the coal just wasn't squeezed hard enough.

9/10/03
Any episode where Robert would probably be getting ovtes would be considered a disaster in anyone's book. Let's see if the other suitors can rebound, or if there could be an Austrian that will be elected as Lisa's suitor.

We get the obligatory recaps - and we get the obligatory lecture from Bryan. This time, we find out that America votes this week for the LAST time - whoever wins this vote will get the shot to marry Lisa LIVE next week. How much do you want to bet that it's being closed early because (in addition to bad ratings) they think that Hank has a big enough lead that they would be worried if he is stuck in a head to head against Robert?

But they don't have to worry about that if Robert gets eliminated this week. We see Lisa, the guys, Lisa's friends, and the obvious steaming pilke of monkey crap from Lisa, saying that she thinks that America has done a good choice of getting rid of the people who she doesn't wants, adding a little titter after it.

Joe happened to be one of those suitors that America voted off that Lisa liked - and the guys had a toga party in her honor. We talk about how Hank and Evan don't like each other - and how all of the gyus think that Robert is delusional. Well, a delusional Robert has been MUCH more entertaining than the 'sane' suitors on the show.

We now see who are the bottom suitors, American Idol Style. Evan is safe, Domenic is not, Hank is safe, Randa is not, and Robert...is safe. We are only doing the bottom 2 this week, which means that Robert stays on the happy side. Lisa is giggling, but we know in her mind that she'd much rather be vacationing with a rabid pack of wolverines than being caught on the line of wedding fire with Robert.

As for the women this week? Well, this time they are happy, because they feel that neither of them are ready for marriage. The person who has to leave this week is.....Renda. His arrow gets snapped, and we see the scenes with him. 'I guess America says that I'm not ready, but my hearts doesn't agree.' Lisa gets a hug and Renda is escorted off of the show. We are reminded that Lisa didn't want Renda to go through and Laura and Kim convinced her to accept him. Oops. 'He turned out to not be the right one...he's got a lot of soul searching to do.' says Laura

On to Bryan - 'There are now millions of women out there feeling sorry for Renda, and you know what? Who cares?' Wha? Go to Match.com to be a whore for Cupid, and now even Bryan is starting to be unlikeable.

For the final date, the guys can do whatever they want - no rules. Evan wants to take Lisa out for dinner and to get to know her better. You don't know enough about Lisa already? They frolic on the beach and Evan suggests to take a shower with their bathing suits on. Lisa was about so suggest that, which sparks on 'uh oh' in my mind.

They decide to go whale watching - and Lisa, who's getting sea sick, decides to go toilet watching instead. Evan realizes the blunder that he makes, and he takes care of her while she's on the boat. 'My fantasy date was my best 'worst date' ever' says Evan, and they wind up cuddling. 2 disaster dates in a row is not a good way to end this. The women thinks that there is a charisma between Evan and Lisa - but it's a lust issue, not a love issue, and Laura and Kim both think that Evan is a player. Lisa still sees the walls up - 'I don't think you're ready for forever to start next week.' Evan wants to spend more time with her - but that's not the sound of someone who is madly in love with Lisa.

Next up? the last Austrian date that we will ever see (awewww). Robert wants to show Lisa what's inside of him - so they have a little work out. After the workout, then they break and go out for dinner. We see for the first time that they involve in meaningful conversation. Robert brings out the wine to go out for a nightcap, but Lisa has had enough, and she decides to go to bed, much to the audiences chagrin - and they awwwed at the moment. The next morning, they talk about Robert's dream of Lisa being guarded by a dragon (which, with Laura, is not a bad thing). 'She calls her his little flower.', but Lisa tells him that they are good friends - and that's it. 'It's frustrating that the affection that I am giving to hm is not coming back...my heart is broke right now, but I will get over it in a year from now or 2 years.' Laura and Kim still think that she is delusional. Lisa says that she's learned a lot and this has gone a long way. I still don't care - I'm voting for him.

Will Dominic, the man who was one position away from watching the finals (instead of participating in them), make a final impression on Lisa that was better than Evan's? He attempts to, as they go to Big Bear, and Lisa is looking for more than just lust. It starts out ok, as we see decent conversation, but once we get to the massages (and since we know that Robert isn't the masseur), we can see where this is heading. We see the kids in the bedroom, with Domenic starting to munch on some candy strung in a necklace around Lisa's neck - and then munching on Lisa's neck itself.

Lust connection? Yes. Love Connection? No. Domenic asks Lisa about Hank, and he says that he has her best interests at heart. I'm not buying what Dominic is selling, as this is clearly, for most of the guys, turning into more of a contest than a search for love. Laura and Kim agree with me, and Laura sums this up the best - ÔI'll see you at the wedding - but you're gonna be a guest.' Dominic makes one last shot at wounding Hank's credibility, but he should be more interested in why he is the better suitor, not why the rest of them are worse. These are clear examples of his immaturity, and this will nail him at the end.

Finally, we get to Hank, who takes Lisa to a vineyard resort in Carmel Valley. Ken got himself brutalized when he tried to do the same thing - but this is Hank that we are talking about, and the chemistry here does not incline Lisa to w(h)ine (yuk, yuk, yuk). This is obviously the guy that Lisa wants - well, it better be, since there are no other guys left to pick from. Fortunately, for Lisa, it is - ÔWe could be engaged and married in a week.' Thinking that this would be a good similarity to life on the farm, Lisa talks to the head of the resort - and Hank doesn't like what he hears when the guy talks about the wife turning into a ÔHarvest Widow'. Oops.

Hank quickly ends that potential disaster - but then he brings up what I think is his weak point - asking about the competition. He uses Ôcompetition' too often to me - what ever happened to trying to win her heart? In another classic no-no, Hank asks her who she'd pick, and she refuses to tell him - though it's blatantly obvious now that she would pick him. After dinner, Lisa asked if Hank could see himself with her and he said, of course, that he could. After the video segment, the girls love him and they can't wait to see him at the wedding. Lisa makes her point especially known - she comes out from behind the podium, goes to Hank, holds his hands, and says -"I most definitely choose you." Well, that sort of makes the rest of this episode academic, doesn't it? Since I have to recap this anyways, we see Lisa talking in a taped segment about how America should vote carefully - but I'm guessing that neither she (nor the producers) wanted to leave any of this to chance in terms of even letting the audience wonder who to select. She wants Hank and implores America (who has her life and million dollar check in our hands) to select wisely.

We end this with each suitor getting a final 30 seconds to appeal to the viewers. Well, there's not much to appeal to when the woman of the show has made her decision. Evan, realizing this, takes the graceful way out. ÔIt looks like you've already made your decision. I have to respect that, and I hope America respects that when they vote.' The rest of them were the same way, sort of giving a concession speech instead of a vote for me speech. Even Robert got the massageÉerÉI mean message, ÔI came here without you, and I guess I'm leaving without you.'

Well, if you have been reading my columns, you know who I voted for - and you know that it wasn't for Hank. Yes, I voted for Robert. I did it for a number of reasons, which I will list here. 1. I picked the suitor, who in MY mind, was the best for Lisa. Think about it. Domenic is too immature, and Evan is not only immature, but he's a player. I am convinced that Hank does not have the best interests at heart - he is already talking about retiring and setting up a farm, He also looks at this like a competition and even though he has said a lot about him loving Lisa, you wonder what will happen after a year's time - and after he picks up his share of the money.

There is only one person there who has not bad-mouthed any of the contestants, who has professed his love for Lisa in every episode, who has not let the Macbethian Weird Sisters deter him from his dreams, who has expressed himself , who has let all of his walls down, and who has only started to wane because Lisa has stated that she wants Hank. That person is Robert. Is that the best choice for Lisa? Not if she has any say about it - but she doesn't.

The second part of the equation is on Lisa. As much as Lisa was trying to get through with this, she was trying to be a sympathetic character - and even though her 2 friends were trying desperately to make her unlikable (which was rubbing off on me), she did not go out of her way to do anything bad to any of the suitors - UNTIL THIS EPISODE. The fact that Lisa just blew off Robert when he offered to sit down for an after dinner talk not only stunned the audience, I'm sure that in a bunch of households it made Lisa look incredibly bad and it made Robert look like an incredibly sympathetic character - and the underdog, which is the most powerful character in any popularity game. Ask Dat Phan about how far an underdog role can take you. If there was ANY thought of me voting to finally let Lisa off the hook, it was gone after she did that to Robert.

I'll put more of this into my final take, but based on this show, we see why Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson are both vital for the success of American Idol, because if there were three Simon Cowells up there as judges, and America continued their voting pattern based on Cupid, then Nikki McKibbin would have won American Idol 1 and Josh Gracin would have won American Idol 2.

My dislike for Lisa's friends and my wanting to truly see Lisa be on the show for love (vs. the million dollar dowry) convinces me to vote for Robert for one final reason. Lisa - If you are truly there for love, and if Robert wins, then you will have no problem whatsoever turning down one million dollars and marrying Hank right there live on stage. I will also call this - I am sure that the CBS men in the blue suits (the ones who do have access to the contest results) have something planned just in case Robert does win this - and it would not surprise me at all if they talk to her beforehand and tell Lisa that if she does marry a second place Hank, that she will get some sort of money in her dowry anyway. You don't promise a wedding planned by America and don't deliver, right? (Well, maybe not - see FOX's Married By America recaps to note that the last time us wacky people decided to vote on love in 3 months, the plans wentÉshall I sayÉhideously awry).

Who will America pick? Will there be a wedding? Will CBS chicken out and give Lisa a dowry anyway? Tune in next Tuesday to see how this mess ends.

9/17/03


We are down to the final episode - and it couldn't have happened sooner. We start with the 10 minute recap - but it's very evident, as we all know, that Lisa chooses Hank - and she may have had to do it to fend off the audience, who keeps sticking Robert on the top (and in my opinion, was probably in first before last episode).

The TV editing is set up so that Hank is the man to vote for - but did America do that? Or were most of them as fickle as I was and decided to vote for Robert anyway? We will find this our LIVE as Bryan McFayden has the results - which will take 2 minutes, the marriage, which will take around 15 minutes - and the filler - which will take 40 minutes.

Bryan recaps the situation - and we start with the filler, which starts with the 6 dumped exes - and their dates. We then get the intros of the 4 suitors left in their tuxes (Hank, Dominic, Evan and Robert), the bridesmaids - sort of (Laura and Kimberly), and finally, Lisa - who is in a white dressy thing - but not a bridal outfit. A shadow of things to come? Lisa says that she still trusts America, which is of course, why she let it all out on the last shoe and did everything except threaten to cattle prod the voting public if they didn't vote for Hank.

We get the dopey 'what happened back at the bachelor's pad' montage, as they compete for Lisa's heart - so to speak. Evan plays it corny, and Hank wipes out Evan - and barely beats out Robert. More shades? They goof a little more, and Domenic is where you would expect him to be - on the chair, getting drunk. They actually showed the guys in a good light this time around - now where was this for the first 8 weeks?

Bryan asked the women who they voted for. Laura voted for Hank and Kim voted for Hank. The women say that the guys are wonderful - now where was this earlier also? The women lie their way through this and say that they both love Robert and that they like the way the audience have voted. We'll see if they like the way the audience voted in 45 minutes...

After another dopey montage - this one of all of the final guys' journey of where they came from to how they got here now - we find out that one of the guys will no longer be 'here' in terms of contending for Lisa. Bryan calls up the 4 guys, and he admits that he's wanted to play with Robert's arrow for the last 11 weeks. Uh...yeah.

'The person with the lowest number of votes...is Domenic.' Dom is gone and he gets his arrow spliced. He loves everyone, and 'You know you've been killing me about my age and I'm not old enough to get married - and do you know what? You're right.' That's how he ends it, and it felt more like an imposter being revealed on To Tell The Truth than a jilted suitor.

'I don't know who's going to be the groom - but it's not going to be one of these 7 guys...don't laugh - you didn't like them either.' That's classy, Bryan. We go through a little bit of the booted people. Rob once again tries to advertise himself with the women, and Scott has now gotten women who are interested. 'I've learned not to listen to a bunch of yahoos who trash me.' Touche.

Paul wishes Lisa the best - and this is really painful to watch. Ken? 'There is no greater rush than watching your date go right down the toilet...being vulnerable to America was such a rush.' well, there's Ken, still trying to be weird. Joe decides to ask Laura out on a date - 'Hell, if you even want, we can tie the knot here tonight.' Renda says that he's that much closer to understanding love 'like a roses petals are opening up to love.' He loves mom. Awwwwbleh.

We'll be adding one more chair to the loser side right about now. After the 5 minute babble from Bryan, we find out that...Evan comes in third place. Lisa is laughing like a little school girl, because the love of her dreams is still there - and so is the man of her nightmares.

So will Hank or Robert be sent to the altar? With yet another montage of Hank Vs. Robert over and done with, we har final words. Hank puts on a display of arrogance, saying that he's confident that he will have Lisa, while Robert (along with half of America) is stunned that he's still here. Bryan then announces that...we will have a montage of Lisa going through bridal wear and wedding preparations. Sigh.

Finally, we get the announcement that we all want to hear...no, not that the show has been cancelled. We get to the final 2 and Bryan makes the announcement...'America has decided that the right man for Lisa is....Hank.' with that, the contest is over and Hank has won. I can't really argue with that, as much as I would have love to see Robert win this. The bad news, is that we're stuck with seeing a fast crappy 10 minute wedding.

And speaking of which - here we go. Lisa's dad congratulates him on how e has been for the past 3 months - and he gives him Lisa's hand in marriage. We start the ceremony, and Hank is asked if he takes Lisa to be his wife. 'I absolutely adore you, and because I adore you so much...I want you to be able to pick the wedding , the flowers, everything...I want to have everything for my family, and because of that, I do not want to do it on national television.' Lisa agrees, and the wedding is off. We get a very mixed reaction, and we cut to break. Well, there's something I wasn't expecting.

Hank explains that he owes it to Lisa to have a special wedding - and that she is special to her - she is worth more than a million bucks. Lisa? 'We don't want to share more of ourselves...I came on the show to meet the man of my life - and I did.' So that's how the show ends - and with Bryan McFayden saying 'See you next season.' In your dreams, Bryan.

My take? Well, I think you all know my opinion. It's nice to see that the couple shrugged off the money, and maybe the idea looked well on paper, but it came out horribly wrong here. The dating version of American Idol fell flat for a number of reasons. One of which is that Bryan is not Ryan Seacrest. He is very green and needs a lot of work. It also came to mind that if those 15 suitors were the best that they could find, that maybe there wasn't enough 'Talent' in the talent pool to go by - and that's a problem that you can't prepare for.

Continuing the American Idol references, the format was not too bad, but the judges, shall we say, never did their homework. They wanted to make the comparison with them and Simon, but they made SImon look like a saint.

The one thing that Simon NEVER did, though, was cross the line - he attacked the singers on their talent, their choice of songs, and their image (which, in my opinion, is all fair game), but he never violated 2 things that the women have continuously done - 1. He NEVER went after ethnicity or insulted them on their background or anything that was not related to the show, and 2. Though he has gone overboard in terms of analogies and descriptions, when you thought that Simon was off-base and nit picky, you thought that he was crazy, but not insulting, and you could still see where he was coming from and politely disagree - but still respect Simon. Telling Evan that he was a player and accusing Paul of self-promotion is fine. Telling Robert to get back on the boat to his own country and telling Ken that he leads a boring life not only crosses the line, but I'm sure was a primary reason on why they both lasted into the game as long as they did.

The format could work - but the people were not likable and that cost the series big-time. This gets a 'D' from me - which is too bad, because it could have gotten better if the talent coordinators got a better lead character and host. Hopefully, that will be looked at for the next dating show - but hopefully, it won't be this one.