THE RECAPS
STORMSEEKER.COM RECAPS! Reality writer Chico Alexanderprovides
recaps of each show.
January 16, 2004 January 23, 2004 January 30, 2004 February 6, 2004
I'm Chico, a city slicker that's about to come up with more Cowboy Bebop jokes than I did during "The Next Joe Millionaire". And you're about to see the first two hours of CMT's entry into the booming reality genre. So saddle up, partners, because class is in session.
Class 101 - Cowboy Basics
Here's the score: eight city slickers - Frank Prather, Elli Wooten, Chris Shurley, Megumi Hosogai, Amir Raziq, Dani Armstrong, David Bauman, and Brandie Lyons - come to "learn a dying tradition, get tired, sweaty, sore, and even hurt", all for a shot at $25,000 and the right to be called "cowboy".
You heard me. All that for a day's work at the Pyramid IF you were to win the game twice. But enough about cheap comparison shots, let's meet the city slickers.
Chris, the neat freak who loves his daughter, sees winning as the ultimate goal, and second place as "just another loser." Elli, a gym freak and dental assistant, is not really aggressive, and not really green on the concept of the show. Pierced and tattooed Lex van den Burghe wannabe (see "Survivor Africa") Frank loves a challenge and is up for anything, except negative people. Megumi is high maintenance, lactose-intolerant, and a bit obsessive. She wants to go to Cowboy U because she always wanted to ride a horse. City slicker Amir loves to party, to flirt, and to have a good time. His passion for differences in culture drew him to Cowboy U. "Tomboy-turned-flirt" Dani, a singer and dancer, is "your stereotypical Gemini". Being a Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius, I really wouldn't know anything about that. Anyone? Anyone? Brandie is an animal lover, so much so that she's committed to vegetarianism. Finally, David is an author who hates to get pissed off. He's simply looking for a change of latitude.
We're all zipped up, so it's time for the fantasy to end and the PAINFUL (read rattlesnakes and scorpions) reality to begin. Hey, it's reality TV. A turn like this isn't just allowed, it's expected. And so far, the feeling is the same: everyone who thought that this was going to be a piece of cake is getting nervous.
And with good reason because here are the wranglers and headmasters of all things cowboy: Rocco Wachman, Judd Leffew, and Shawn Stephens. They tell our slickers of their ten-day boot camp before the six-day horse ride and the big rodeo to decide the $25,000 winner. But before anyone can get on anything and ride anywhere, we have to go to the beginning. The VERY beginning.
The Cowboy Code (along with handy translation by yours truly):
1: Your first duty is to your horse (don't expect anyone to handle your business when you're perfectly good and able to handle it your own damn self)
2: Always think of your crew (that's pretty self-explanatory)
3: Cowboy up (when life screws you, screw back)
Hope you're paying attention, guys, because half of your overall score will be determined by this code. The other half is based on three events: barrel-racing, calf-roping, and what some call "eight seconds in Hell" (that would be bull-riding for you and me).
After that, it's off to shed any and all evidence of a city life and get duded up in some cowboy gear. Megumi takes it hard, as all of her makeup is literally trashed ("I better be reimbursed for that"), Dani reveals a shoe fetish, and Chris becomes the Ironman because of his... iron. They then report to the bunkhouse, the bathroom (and by that I mean two portapotties), and the open shower (and by that I mean... open shower). Bunkhouse has six beds, David and Dani get the double. I'll pause so you can come up with the dirtiest joke you can think of for that.
Aaaaand now. Elli swapped with David, so it's all good. Until they actually hit the rooms and see... fly strips. FULL fly strips. The Judd arrives with ten minutes to get ready. Elli is the first to complain about her ranchhand get-up: "My Wranglers are so tight!"
Again, pause...
And back. It's 12:30p, time to saddle up. Pretty hard work to get hides on a horse, but they manage... barely. And already Megumi is violating the first rule of the Cowboy Code, whining that she can't slap leathers on her steed. But when you're a wimp, then you really don't have a choice, as Megumi says.
Two hours later (although I don't believe it takes two hours to saddle a horse... well, for Megumi, maybe), it's time for our first riding lesson. Remember, always mount your horse on the left. Left side, left hand, left foot. This very well could take two hours. David hopes he doesn't wake up tomorrow with a bow-legged walk. And Rocco, on the other hand, hopes he doesn't wake up tomorrow with a migraine after telling people to slow down and be more careful with their horses.
"David, I love your enthusiasm, but you are laughing in the face of death. Chris, you seem adrift. You just need to be more alert. Amir, if this was a beauty pageant, you'd win it. Brandie, you almost fell off twice, although you didn't see it. Frank, you are absolutely brutally strong. Dani, if I had to leave tomorrow, I'd take you with me. Elli, I'm sorry, it just seems beyond you. Megumi, from the waist down you're one of the best riders I've ever seen. From the waist up, I want to ship you out for some therapy."
Rocco follows with this stern warning. "If things don't ship up, then someone is going to get hurt. This is absolutely scaring me."
Dani complains that she can't get her horse to stop moving. Frank complains that he can't get his horse to start moving. Amir is moved... by Rocco. "Rocco doesn't BS. He tells you how it is."
Six p.m. Time to EAT! Everyone can't stop talking about the bull. And by that, I mean the actual kicking brahma that someone's gonna ride.
9:30p. Everyone starts to gel in the bunkhouse. "Everyone's all lovey dovey," Rocco notes, "but it's still early. And when things get tough. That's when they'll start to fall apart."
Gellin'? Like a felon. Splittin'? Like a mitten. Okay, that was dumb.
Day 2, as we rise with the rooster... at 5:30a. And it's soon to work, bailing hay for pigs... and the bull. Right: "Soo-eeeee, pigpigpigpigpig". Wrong, as demonstrated by Dana: "C'mere! C'mere! Wrong way, dude!"
Now it's onto roping. And the prospect? Oh, a couple of lost limbs, a hand here and there, you know. Good stuff. Shawn entertains the crowd with some rope tricks. It takes a while to get the wrist motion going, especially for ... yeah, Megumi. "It'd be a lot easier if it weren't for the cowboy hat." But Amir looked like he had it down, even though Dani was the first to rope in a fake sheep... three times. Winner, winner, lobster dinner.
And now the moment we've all been waiting for: the bull. We mount a dummy on him, but "in two weeks, this dummy is going to be you." Whoa... dummy torn in half. Someone send in the clowns.
"Any questions?" No? Okay. Back to roping! While everyone else is roping, Megumi... washes her face? Well, she was crying at the bit about the whole bull riding thing.
Back at the homestead, though, it's a fly onslaught, as one bit of syrup turns the house into a case for the Orkin man. Chris definitely had issues with the living arrangements.
Shower time later, and Brandie's naked. Look for Amir and Brandie to maybe hook up with all the prospective cuddling he talks about. Meanwhile, Frank brings up why David is cuddling with Amir. David does admit his homosexuality, though he doesn't want it to be an issue. One day earlier, he did tell Dani, but she took it into her own hands. "Some people you can trust and come people you can't."
Day 3. 1am. Brandie fast asleep. Amir and Chris, fast asleep. 5:30a. Brandie, Amir, and Chris fast awake. Sometime in between, namely 2:30, when Chris was asked to take the single: Amir and Brandie end up in the same bed. "The whole thing with Amir," Brandie teases. "You'll never know!"
Now it's off to advanced roping. From a "horse". Rocco advises David, who's up first, to stop thinking too much. His sage advice pays off with everyone... except Miss Facewash. "She definitely needs a kick in the ass," Frank says, "but it wouldn't help." You know what would help? Lunch! But she doesn't get any! Ha-ha!
2:30p: Riding lesson #2. Much smoother at first. "If you live through these next two weeks, you'll drive better when you get back home." If they don't know how to steer, they WON'T live past these two weeks. Moving to the jog, and things go downhill. No one really stands out at the beginning. Except for, yeah, Megumi, who gets called out for violating another horse's personal space. And look, she's still doing it! "Everyone's so pissed off, like I allowed my horse to be kicked. Like it was totally my fault!"
Like, it WAS totally your fault, Megumi.
Chris sees Rocco about a letter home to his daughter. Chris says that he's beginning to miss her. But Rocco will ensure that it gets mailed.
Later that day, we have ourselves a little competition. It's a bull-riding sim, where Shawn rides a horse around a barrel. Strapped to the horse is a piece of cowhide. And on that cowhide will be eight pairs of city cheeks and one hand. The other hand is up in the air as if you were really bull-riding. Chris and Elli go round the bend; they're co-winners. And Megumi just flat out refused to do it, because she's more concerned for her face. Chris and Elli's prize for winning: a half-hour massage by another teammate.
Elli: "I'm thinking maybe I might ask David."
Chris: "Brandie, if you would be so kind..."
That night, Rocco rounds up his troops for evaluations, which is important, because the Cowboy Code is half of the determinant for the winner of this show.
Chris: Improving each day.
Frank: Needs to work on riding skills.
Brandie: Gaining confidence.
David: Overthinking roping, but thinking tall in the saddle.
Amir: No worse, but no better.
Elli: Lacks confidence.
Dani: Has a good grip on roping.
Megumi: ... has had enough. She wants out, but, as a personal favor to Rocco, she agrees to sleep on her decision. Some are surprised, some aren't. Frank doesn't care either way if Megumi quits or not.
And there are the first three days at Cowboy U. Will Megumi be at the stalls? Or will she violate the Cowboy Code for a quickie? We'll find out on the second episode... which, coincidentally enough, is right after the first.
---
Class 102: Cowboy Limits
Here we are at day 4, 12 days until the big rodeo. The crew is awakened to the sound of someone pitching horseshoes. After four or five hours of sleep, which Amir can't do. Chris deals with it the only way he can. By cleaning. Which is really beginning to annoy everyone.
Later that morning, Megumi meets up with Rocco. Giving her the "you haven't truly failed until you have stopped trying" spiel... isn't enough, as Megumi rides off into the sunset. "I think a person's greatest strength is knowing their limitations, and I do respect you for that."
Megumi corrals her bunkmates to inform them of her decision. Elli tries to get her to open her mind, and Megumi rebuts, "I know who I am, and I'm not interested." So, no more Megumi. Oh well. No big loss there. At least not to Frank: "I only have one thought of Megumi leaving. 'Bye.'"
And Rocco's take, as a little bit country and a little bit Simon Cowell: "Everyone's saying that the weakest link is gone. I guarantee that another one will pop up shortly."
And who's this mysterious lady rider? I don't know, but if she's as deadly as she is fine, she just might be the key to unlocking the next weakest link.
Aside from wishing Megumi off (and yes, this is the last time I'll mention it), it's also the day of the first real test at Cowboy U: the barrel-racing. And yes, the mysterious rider that we just saw is a part of it. She's actually Fallon Taylor, a world champion barrel racer and a good friend of Rocco's. Barrel-racing involves riding round three barrels. Simple, right? Amir seems to think so. Yeah, right. "Son, you're letting a lady get off her horse to get YOUR hat?" Rocco steams. Brandi drops a barrel and her hat. Amir goes to fetch on his Rocco's commands... twice. Chris doesn't have that problem, as he fortifies his brim with the double winged protection of a leading brand of maxipad.
But the real problems came when Elli mounted up and rode out. She couldn't steer or control her horse. Fallon checks in to see if she's alright. Crying out of frustration, Elli quickly emerges as the new soft boot. But she gets her saddle back up and running to pass the course. Now THAT's the cowboy way.
That night at eval, Chris shares that he's missing a lot of people back home, "namely my daughter. It's a big risk, and when you have a big risk you have more to think about." Chris takes it really seriously. Basically, and this comes out when we're back in the bunk, everyone sees Chris as an asset, and agrees that he needs to cowboy up. "If you do leave," Frank says, "I hope you leave for the right reasons." This tells a different story than earlier, when he said "If you need to walk because your priority is your child, f(^_^) everybody. 'Cause you know what... that makes you a f(^_^)ing man."
Day 5. 10:30a. The ups and downs of bucking bull breeding. First thing, make sure your cow is pregnant. Yeah, that involves hand-digging inside the cow's womb. And hey, we finally found something that Amir isn't good at. Meanwhile Dani can't tell the difference between a cow's porthole and a cow's anus. Hilarity ensues. And yes, all the cows are pregnant. Good for them. Means the bulls are doing their biological duty.
Next up, more bull riding. And no, we don't have a bull, yet. We do though have a barrel. And watch it, it kicks. The key here is to keep a relaxed, erect position. (Amir: "I can't do that!"). David can, though.
Another night, another eval. Rocco is still looking for the person who's really looking to win this. Too much camaraderie! On a reality game? Are you serious? My God... Anywho, here's where things stand, five days on...
Frank: Too strong for his own good.
Amir: Needs to toughen up.
Elli: Timid, but learning to Cowboy Up.
Brandie: Has the guts to be a winner.
David: Has talent, but nervous with animals
Dani: Has spirit, but needs to improve her skills
Chris: Not going anywhere. But as he said afterwards to his mates, "We're really starting to get on each other's nerves."
So who's up for more instant gratification?
---
Class 103: Cowboy Up
Day 6. Ten days until the big round up, and the start of the second half of training. This only gets more dangerous from here on out. The crew is up at the barn and given the job by Rocco to clear out cobwebs. Chris immediately freaks. "I have a real phobia about spiders." Lucky for him that Brandie trades a big stick for a little one. A little later, she signals him over to check out... a SPIDER! Wow, look at that guy fly!
Shawn wrangles the crew up for an exercise in teamwork. Pig-Catchin' Contest. Whoever catches the most pigs - men minus Frank or women - in two minutes wins. The men catch two. The women only catch one. Men win... a glimpse of the women showering! The women, as a runner-up prize, get a glimpse of the men showering. Amir, as usual, turns on the charm. "Were you looking at my ass? Hey! Come here and look at my ass again?" Yes, that was Brandie checking out the man's ass.
Frank on the other hand doesn't wait for the shower to give ANYONE a glimpse of his butt-cleavage.
After all that butt-showing, it's more bull-riding. With a horse. Hold on, this is going to make sense. See, the horse will not chase you once you dismount. The bull... will. David doesn't mind one bit as his dismount is perfect. Chris, on the other hand, didn't let go of the rope and ended up ground potatoes. Elli, likewise, but she got back on the horse again. Frank, likewise, but his landing wasn't as comical as Elli's or Chris'. He jammed his elbow and hurt his back and, as a result, is carted to the hospital.
Self-eval before dinner. Dani gives herself "the closest thing to a 10 while still being humble as possibly could." David, hard on himself, gives himself a 7. Elli gives herself an 8. Chris walks like a freak. Amir's confident, and Brandie's doing as best as she can.
Truth or dare time. Amir was 17 when he did the deed. Chris asked two females he stopped for their digits. Frank returns with beers all around!
Day 7: It looks like our faithful are getting the hang of this. Good thing too, because it's time for the next lesson: bull calf tagging. These will be the same calf breeds that will be roped in the rodeo. The slickers have to rope, bind, and tag their cows. Dani and Chris do the deed in 50 seconds. Brandie and David go for 1:04. Elli ropes and Amir rides for a full five minutes. Dani goes one more time, with Frank this time, for... a tackle. Dani's hurt her wrist. It's just a strain, luckily. She'll be fine, but she needs to be more careful in trying too hard. "Some of these slickers are dropping like flies on the injury list. Live with it. Cowboy Up."
With two days left for training, it's time for evals once again.
Chris: More focused and determined.
David: May not survive the open range.
Brandie: Better attitude. could go the distance.
Amir: Fearless, but needs to think of his crew.
Elli: Hanging tough isn't enough.
Dani: Tough competitor... has the heart to win.
Frank: Strong... but injury prone.
Call it a night, start fresh in the morning. And that's what we'll do for now. Someone get some beer for my horses.
Class 104: Cowboy Motivation
Injuries, injuries, and more injuries last time, as the slickers learned more of the events that will determine who will win the title of All-Around Cowboy. Meanwhile Elli learned that Chris was afraid of spiders.
We're at the halfway mark at Cowboy U, and the crew heads on a trial run before their six-day sojourn to the big rodeo. Elli points out that the terrain was rough, while Amir's horse was pretty rambunctious. "It's scary being on a hill that steep and not being able to have control of that horse." Frank's thinking that this is a tension reliever. And what a reliever, as no one fell or sniffed another horse's behind.
At high eleven, it's time for the bull! The mechanical bull! Remember, arm up, chest out, chin down, and pray for eight seconds. Amir's up first... and down. Chris is up, and ... "That mechanical bull (^_^) sucks." Elli gets swung off, as does one of Frank's testicles. David gets dumped. And so does Dani, who doesn't use her good hand. Rocco doesn't think she's Cowboying up on the pain ("I don't think her injury is as serious as she makes it out to be."). And Brandie sexes up the full ride. Not without a little bruise to her wrist, though. Dani's a little jealous, as Brandie gets the whole 911 treatment while Dani's wrist got a wrapping and not much else.
Back at the house, it's all thumbs and crotches as the crew nurses themselves back to adequate for the next challenge: fly-swatting. David swats, while Amir bitches.
But that's just a start, because next up is the bull! But they don't ride it. They're just training for (hand to God) how to run from it once you dismounted. Actually it's pretty serious, because those horns can gore you up really bad if you're not careful. Luckily for our slickers that they're using a 1/4 scale model of the bull they're to ride.
In this particular version, there's a rectangle, and whoever stays in the rectangle longest wins. Stay in a minute, and you're automatically a winner. Chris lasts the full ride, as does Frank, David, Elli, Brandie, and Dani. Amir lasts only a paltry 17 seconds.
Next up, more roping. Only this time, both the horse and the target are moving. Chris can't target his prey, despite the headstart that the wranglers give him. "I know they think I hate it out here... Well, I do." Amir's close, but not. Frank's not even close. Elli's not really close, either. "The whole key to this is position, and no one's got position yet," an annoyed Rocco says.
Needless to say, there's a LOT of work to do, and that comes up in evals. But first, here's a little treat for the seven slickers for not dying yet. Rocco calls up Blake Shelton, who performs his story song guy repertoire with "Playboys of the Southwestern World".
So I guess there's no real eval tonight, as we're off to bed. Well, without Amir and Brandie, who head to the saddle room at 11:25 and don't leave until 11:49. Hmmm... well, this is a family site, so...
Evals time:
Amir: Fun loving, but the rodeo is no joke.
Elli: Improving, but tougher days ahead.
David: Has heart, but may not have the stamina.
Brandie: A natural on horseback.
Chris: His own worst enemy.
Frank: Determined... but lagging behind.
Dani: The leader of the pack.
Well, so far, we have two favorites: Dani the easy pick, and Brandie the longshot. But who'll be ready for the big rodeo? We're running out of time, and the three wranglers are running out of patience.
Class 105: Cowboy Blues
"We have one more day of boot camp and then we literally go to war, and it's scaring me to death that they're just not prepared." The words of Rocco at the last eval, on the eve of the last day at the ranch. Today is the last day before the ride up to the rodeo.
First, the final barrel-racing lesson. We're looking for the MVP, the star, the man/woman/horse of the hour. So far Chris... ain't it.
Next up: the roping final. Shawn makes this look easy... So far, far from it. "At one point, I just chucked the rope. I know I wasn't 100 percent focused." Shawn thinks that All-around Cowboy will be decided on this event. If that's the case, then David... isn't it, either. Amir might be, though. He ropes himself a target. But all around, it's a definite "needs improvement".
Finally, and at long last, it's bull time. Everyone was all jitters. Except the wranglers, of course, who, yeah, make it look easy. Hint: "Sometimes you just have to forget the form and just get the eight seconds." Will Frank's huge adrenaline rush turn into a big nightmare once he mounts? We'll find out, but first, the rain...
Judd instructs the slickers in slickers on how to rope the bull before you ride. Brandie mounts and gets back up. Of course, you've got to mount before you can ride, and everyone gets to mount before anyone gets to ride, just to get the feel of Cowboying up to the situation. Dani eventually gets on the bull, but not without crying a hissy fit. Elli... can't do it. "I just wanna get out!" I think she just needs a moment.
Rocco enters the fray with the sub-corollary of Cowboy Code #3: "You haven't truly failed until you stop trying." Megumi heard it (woops, there's that word again), and now Elli's hearing it. Will Cowboy U claim a second casualty? Not this time, as Elli wants to try again. And it pays off in a successful mount. That is "Cowboy Up."
Tonight, it's evals inside the barn, and not just because it's raining... well, actually, that's the only reason, but there's significance in this, as we are in a crossroads. It's the final evaluation before we hit the trails, and here's what our wranglers think of our slickers.
Chris: Still thrown for a loop in roping.
Frank: Still too tense in all events.
Dani: Lost points. Needs to Cowboy Up.
David: Improving, but still nervous with animals.
Elli: Overcoming fears... has a chance to win.
Amir: Has the look of a champ
Brandie: Favorite to win barrel race.
So we have three potential stars here: Brandie, who's now a sure thing, Amir, who moves into longshot, and Elli, the potential dark horse (gets stuffed horses thrown at him for such a bad pun). Okay, okay, I get it.
As for the ride up to the arena: let's just say you never know what's going to be around the next corner. Right now, if they want to turn tail and head home, that's fine. But they stay, they're in for the long haul. So, as they say on "X-Fire", are you warriors or are you wimps?
Chris: Without a doubt.
Frank: 100 percent.
Dani: Definitely.
David: Absolutely.
Elli: Yes.
Amir: Yup.
Brandie: *nods*
All in, and I'm not even watching WPT! Because we've got a long road ahead, everyone gets a free phone call tonight. Frank calls mom. Chris calls his girlfriend. Elli calls her boy friend. Dani calls her boyfriend... and gets the machine. Amir calls his brother about having his hand up a cow's barren-below-her-waistland. David calls his friend. Brandie calls her sister.
But back to Dani, who's still upset that her call didn't go through. "I'm dating a 35-year-old f(^_^)ing child who knew exactly when I was calling!" That's not a morale booster, especially not for someone who feels like she failed at everything else.
Dude, if you're watching... you've got some serious 'splaining to do.
Later that night, one satchel to pack. Amongst the packings, medication, underwear, and "some BO control". But it's going to take more than Old Spice to get through this ride.
"They don't know it, but tomorrow, they're entering a whole new world." Enter the "A Whole New World" montage, and then don't you dare close your eyes until next time.
After a ten-day cowboy boot, spur, and Wranglers camp, our seven intrepid slickers are about to head up to the arena for their final test. But first, a grueling six-day trek by horseback uphill. WAY uphill.
Day 10... Six days until the bull... err, the rodeo. The day starts at 5:50a. And what better way to wake up our heroes than ... PIGS!
"Top of the morning to ya!"
Yeah, joke's on you, pal. We're having pork chops for breakfast today. Back to business. The arena is six days up, and Rocco, Shawn, and Judd will evaluate the slickers every day, mostly on the Cowboy Code. Half the score may very well rest on this week. Head'em up, MOVE'EM OUT!
David's thankful for the experience. Elli's nervous. And for good reason, as it's very steep, and very slick. A lesson Amir learns the hard way. Hold the trail... man down. Rocco thinks that Amir did the right thing by jumping... horse. "The difference between that and a really serious injury was how you handled that."
Judd calls for a break in the action with a little relay race. We'll have four two-man teams. David, being the odd-man out, pairs with Shawn. The frontmen have to saddle up and ride to the anchors, who'll then ride back. We're ready to start until Amir loses his horse... again.
Chris and Dani jump to an early lead, followed by David and Shawn. Amir and Brandie are in dead last due to Amir's poor saddling and/or horse handling, while Frank and Elli are way ahead of them. It's a dead heat, but many lost hats later, the winners (by virtue of the fact that Dani was going the wrong way) are David and Shawn! Dani and Chris take second, and Elli and Frank are DQed due to a forced dismount ("Either I go home or I get another horse. I'm going to have to talk to Rocco tonight").
First day down, we didn't get that much ground covered, but we did get through much of the tough terrain. Amir... had a good day. Elli tells Rocco of her horse problems. Rocco, citing her concern for the crew and her Cowboying up, agrees to the switch.
Day 11... And Amir looks like ass. Elli meets Chief, her new chief. It's a quick exchange, as they have to cover more ground than expected to make up for yesterday. All while eating meals from a can. They eventually reach their destination, just a regular rundown cottage, but hey, it works, right?
While at the cottage, the slickers practice their barrel-racing. David, whom Rocco thinks is drunk, gets it done at 35.85 seconds. Frank comes in at 30.44. Chris leads so far at 27.22. The speed's coming back to the jockey-looking clean freak. Elli and Chief saddle up for 35.66. "New horse, new day." Dani overtakes Chris with 25.65. Brandie's in at 29.22. Amir's horse is a runner, and it shows, as he wins at 24.78. "Let's get back to the barn," Rocco says.
The barn? Big trouble if your name is Chris Shurley. "I do NOT want to sleep in the barn tonight. There's a possibility of large spiders. A GREAT possibility of large spiders. In the barn. With all the hay." Don't worry. We have something for panic attacks. I think.
The girls talk about the guys, and the guys talk about the girls. Brandie notes that Amir would be a good kisser. Of course, she would know a thing or two about that. (See Class 104)
Everyone's tired, but Elli's got a little bit of fight left in her. Taking it to day 12, where it's more about mental toughness than anything else. And for the night at the barn, the team works some stray cows for the rancher. A little water (all over) and we're on our way. Everyone cowboyed up, Frank says. But not too much time to celebrate the successful mission, as it's time to pony onward.
Sorry, excuse me... "Moooove over, Butter..."
After a while, they stop in camp, as they have a little mudpit tug-o-war. It's Brandie, Amir, Elli, and Chris versus Frank, Dani, and David. Ready... set... TUG! And Brandie's first in the mud, baby. Then Amir, Elli, and Chris. And they all jump in for one big hug. Excpet Amir, who jumps out and runs. Chris pursues, tackles him to the ground, and... okay, we have a problem. I think Amir's hurt. General consensus: Amir didn't see that one coming (duh!). Chris took fun and games a step further, and Amir's rather pissed about it. Chris, on the other hand, makes a big deal out of a little bruise. "Whatever happens to Chris, I don't care," Brandie says.
Eval time:
Brandie: Riding well, but needs to Cowboy up.
David: Follows the Cowboy Code.
Elli: Improving slowly, but still hesitant.
Frank: Frontrunner for All-Around Cowboy.
Dani: In a rut, needs to get back on track.
Amir: Great on a horse, injury may be a setback.
Chris: Bad attitude with horse and crew.
I think that rough-up with Amir might have cost him more than he realizes. If I were making bets, I'd say Frank has the best chance to win, then David, Dani, and Brandie on the fence, Elli and Amir as the longshots, and Chris as the NCIBH guy (as in "No chance in Bloody Hell")
Well, for Amir and Chris, who are at the hospital, it's a wait-and-see. But you won't have to wait long.
Class 106: Cowboy Roundup
Bull horns. They're big. They're sharp. And they can kill you. You know what else can kill you? Wrestling mishaps. At the beginning of day 13, Rocco delivers the news that both Amir and Chris have a two-day warning before they are expelled from the arena events. "But as far as the Cowboy Code, they're losing points in my book." The crew will be at a loss if Amir goes, more so than Chris, anyway.
The trail continues. Last chance to bathe between now and the rodeo comes at a stray pond. They drop their stuff off at high camp on a hill tonight. The next morning, it'll be all gone, with nothing but a letter and a compass to show for it.
"Dear crew, you've come a long way in a short while. Now it's time to see what you can do on your own. Follow the map and get to the meeting place before dark."
They spot a tepee... A little game of cowboys and Indians, maybe? Nope. Just cowboys and ... more cowboys. And still more cowboys, as Amir emerges from the tepee. "I understand that you guys had a pretty little trek, and I felt horrible that I couldn't join up with you." Dani notes that every time someone goes to the hospital, he or she's seen as an outsider. On the other hand, Elli says that Amir has a lot of courage to come back after what he's been through.
A second surprise... More cowboys, as Chris emerges. Turn on the darkness. "Both of us were told that we couldn't do anything for 48 hours. It's amazing that someone could have a better call than someone with a doctor's degree." He complains that he could've died of a fractured sternum, while he expects everyone to feel sorry for him.
Nope. Not happening. Who's next? Megumi? (sorry, last time. I promise) Nope. Time for the campfire. Amir and Chris were given 48 hours. They made it, but tomorrow night, they find out exactly how deep they're in.
We've finally made it. Day 15, the penultimate day before the rodeo. Amir is regretful of the turnout for yesterday's events, while Chris thinks that everyone's just jealous. Dude, I'd shut up if I were you.
It's 8:45a, ten miles to town. It's daylight, and we're on horses. HIT IT! They reach an actual town. With cars and power lines and everything. Welcome to Los Alamos. "Cowboys in town, trouble expected." Their camp tonight: The Union Hotel, a real working saloon equipped with all the modern amenities. Four posh suites and enough time to sleep, shave, and bathe. And use the toilet if they have to. "This is probably the happiest I've been in two weeks!"
And then I said, "Libations from the bar, dammit!" And there were. And they were good. Meanwhile, on the other side of the bar, it's time for deliberations/evals. Shawn thinks that Brandie goes above Dani in that she actually got on the bull. Judd thinks otherwise. Rocco's calling "head games". Here are the final standings, as far as the Cowboy Code go. Remember: it's "Your first duty is to your horse," "Always think of your crew," and "Cowboy up."
7th Place - 40 points: Chris.
6th Place - 50 points: Amir.
Tie for 4th - 65 points: Dani and Brandie.
3rd Place - 80 points: Frank.
2nd Place - 90 points: Elli.
1st Place - 100 points: David.
Tomorrow, it's the big final exam. It comes down to this: Seven city slickers. Three events. One winner. See you then, space cowboy.
Class 108: The Final Exam
To refresh your memory, last time we arrived at Los Alamos, site of the Cowboy U final. Rocco, Shawn, and Judd rated the seven remaining slickers on how well they fared adhering to the Cowboy Code. Judging from those standings, David and Elli can get away with a few short losses, while Chris and Amir, thanks to a hospital stay for injuries, have to really buck up. But remember, we only determined half of the score so far.
The big day's here, and so are the horses, the calves, and that big-ass bull. It's all mental now.
"Here we are, people. End of the trail," Rocco shouts as we come to the arena. Our slickers are calm on the outside and a bag of nerves on the inside. They get a feel of the arena, the footing, and the people who came before. Many a cowboy was made, and many a cowboy was broken. And many a cowboy's appendage was broken. Elli thinks that this is a great day. Frank is a firm believer of self-fulfilling prophecies. David tries to balance the mental, physical, and emotional responses of the day. "I tend to race around my head too much." Amir sees himself as a dark horse. Chris thinks he made the right decision to stay. Dani thinks that the history of the place will make her make it happen.
You've met the competitors. It's time (and about damn time at that) to meet... the bulls. The private running of the bulls has Dani scared, but Frank pumped. "They all want to do it," Rocco notes. "They all want to dance with the devil." Speak of the devil, Rocco, and he appears. But not yet. For now, it's time to rodeo! At stake: $25,000 and a new saddle.
Event 1 - Barrel Racing. 30 points max.
Chris is up first. He drives to a time of 24.47, thinking that it was going to be a lot more difficult. Amir's speed could've been faster, as he gets 22.68. Amir's girl-toy Brandie is third. She knocked over a barrel in practice, but the only thing she knocks over this time is Amir's time with 21.66. Dani was a natural on a horse, but at 24.03, it wasn't natural enough. "I can't (^_^)ing steer 'em." Frank's next, and he's too little speed, too late at 24.82. Elli's up, trying to put her first horse out of her mind. But we have a knockdown, That'll give her a penalty time of 27.75. Finally, we're up to David, who's the leader in the Cowboy Code standings. He's middle of the track at 23.84. So after event one...
BARREL RACING Event Score Total Score
Brandie Lyons 30 95
Amir Raziq 25 75
David Bauman 20 120
Dani Armstrong 15 80
Chris Shurley 10 50
Frank Prather 5 85
Elli Wooten 0 90
At this point, David is still in the lead, but not by much, as Brandie catches up. With 70 points still unaccounted for, the best that Chris can do is tie. Needless to say, he's only in it for pride at this point.
Event 2 - Breakaway Roping - Three minute time limit. 5 points per catch, 20 points max.
Shawn thinks someone's gonna catch a calf. "Definitely." He may want to rethink that. Chris is first, as he comes close three times. And then there's something about horseshoes and hand grenades. Chris scores zero. Amir was the only one to catch a calf in bootcamp. Perfect swing, but again, another donut. Dani can make up some ground here. Close twice, but still scoreless. Frank roped himself in bootcamp. He might as well have, though, slipping and missing three times for yet another bagel. Elli's gonna have to Cowboy up here. We go from honky-tonk background music to techno, meaning that something's definitely going to happen, right? Wrong. Still scoreless after five. Brandie's up. But what happens when the calf goes out of the gate? Send in the clowns, of course. After a restart, we determine that the calf would've been better off still outside the ring. Big question now... Can David catch something? Nothing at the minute mark... And David connects! the only catch of the day boosts David's lead by five.
BREAKAWAY ROPING Event Score Total Score
David Bauman 5 125
Brandie Lyons 0 95
Amir Raziq 0 75
Dani Armstrong 0 80
Chris Shurley 0 50
Frank Prather 0 85
Elli Wooten 0 90
With fifty points up for grabs in the bull-riding, Chris is now officially out of the running, but he will ride for pride. The best he can do at this point is second. And finally, after five weeks of waiting... "It's time to ride a bull!"
Event 3 - Bull Riding - Eight second time limit. 50 points max.
Hint: if he tries to kill you, you try to kill him. Chris is first. He lasts for 5.4 seconds. Pretty decent. Amir is up. He may come out on top if he lasts the full ride. And he does! "Winner, spinner, lobster dinner!" Dani needs to last the full ride if she want a good chance at winning. But remember, she had some fears to overcome. 2.1 seconds. Not good. But still happy. Now time for Frank. Well, the bull's ready, at least. Tied with Dani at 2.1. More than that, Frank's arm went limp. Medic! While he nurses his arm, Elli's up. She too had some fears. But she's ready now. Not too ready, as she bails at 4.1 with a bruised leg. Brandie wants to get the money, but only comes in at 4.7. Finally, it's up to David. He needs at least a 2.1 time to win the money. Ride'em cowboy, get the money. 2.5 bailout. That might do it.
We go right to the award ceremony. First off, "to finish is to win." And to finish means that each of our seven remaining players gets a Cowboy U belt buckle. Think of it as a diploma you can wear. Because me with my UNC sheepskin around my neck, people would think I've gone mental. But I digress. Before we award for the All-Around Cowboy, we award the most improved, the people with the most demons and the biggest uphill battles, with another belt buckle and a custom-made saddle. That award... goes to Elli. Congrats, Elli. Now for the big one. Your All-Around Cowboy for Cowboy U 2004 is... DAVID! He gets a saddle, another buckle, and an over-sized novelty check for a very real $25,000! But for overcoming their worst fears and setting a pace for a dying, but very noble art, they're all winners. And it was a pleasure to watch that long and bumpy road. But now it's back to what passes for real life these days, as our newly-minted cowboys ride off into the sunset.
"How 'bout one yee-haw for the road?"
Oh... what the hell. YEEEEHAW!
