THE RECAPS

7/29/03
A voiceover in a British accent introduces us to "One exceptional gay man...In the end, he must select just one man...but appearances aren't always what they seem." The VO warns us that a few of the suitors aren't gay, but are just in it for the money, honey. All this over a montage of footage shot later in the series. Gay (and gay-in-hopes-of-winning-pay) boys frolic, enjoy a luau, and sip champagne.

"Welcome to Boy Meets Boy," a British chick tells us. We're introduced to the British chick in the flesh. She's a super skanky looking blond in an ugly black pantsuit.

Then we're introduced to James, 32. He tells his life story (born in North Dakota, grew up in Oregon, normal all American childhood). James VOs that he was a high school nerd, and we get another montage of pix of supposedly illustrating this. Aside from unfortunate 80s hair, he looks pretty much exactly as he does now, only younger and less muscle-y. James tells us he's a benefits administrator at a law firm. Where he met Andra, who's in advertising. James is her best friend/Stanford Blatch/gay husband. He plans her mom's birthday parties, so she's coming on the show with him and living with the boys to do research.

Another film montage, this one of James playing while shirtless on the beach. In case you're wondering, James is beautiful. He's tall and tan and young and lovely, like the girl from Ipanema, only male, rippling with muscle and with the sparkliest blue eyes ever. He has perfectly wavy golden brown hair and shiny white teeth. As gay sex columnist Dan Savage would say, he's the sort of guy the girls look and say "What a waste!" and the boys look at and say "What a fag!" In the nicest possible way.

James says he rarely asks anyone out because he's shy and terrified of being rejected. Awww. Poor James. His friends describe him as "competitive" and "a catch."

All the intros over, BritSkank (Dani Behr, if you care about her real name) welcomes James to a Brady Bunch style California mansion (ever after to be known as Gay-dy Bunch House). BritSkank brings Andra in. Andra talks about how she "has James' back." BritSkank has the worst haircut ever. Her hair looks like a blond possum crawled up onto her skull and committed ritual suicide. Faux blond tendrils writhe crazily in every direction. It's not pretty.

BritSkank leaves Andra and James to examine the Wall of (Mostly) Gay Boys, a wall of professional head shots of the Gay-dy Bunch 15. They look at the GB15, and make assessments. "This one," James tells Andra, pointing at a photo of the lone black guy, has a "nice smile."

More montage of boys frolicking. BritSkank: "Who's gay and who's straight as Boy Meets Boy" continues.

Commercials. Go see Swimming Pool. It's seductive fun. Blah, blah, blah. Go to Me-hico. It's seductive. Blah blah blah. Buy Gynelotrimin, your one day yeast infection cure. It's seductive. No, no it's not. But buy some anyway -- your vagina will thank you. Oh, and get the New York Times (your vagina will express no opinion of the Times, but what the hell, it's 50% off the price of regular delivery).

BritSkank leads James outside to the pool and he gets laid. No, he gets a lei, Hawaiian style. All the GB15 are introduced. As each emerges from GB House, they come and greet James poolside, and these touching, romantic encounters are intercut with confessional style interviews where the guys talk about how great they are or how they plan to capture James' heart and/or other parts.

We're introduced to Franklin, 23, who "knows what he wants." Then Brian, 29, from Seattle, who has a "competitive attitude." Brian's occupation is listed as "assistant bartender," so we know his ambition is for real. Next up is Jason, 26, from a small town in Mississippi. He calls himself "a catch" and says "any guy would be lucky to have [Jason]." Then the ambient music switches from Fatboy Slim's "Weapon of Choice" to the Roarin' Guitar of Hot Man Love and out walks Michael, 30, with his shirt open and abs a-ripplin'. He needs to overcompensate because he seems to have a crap job ("computer assistant," whatever that means). Then Jim, 23, blond, and bland. Then Darren, from New York, who claims to be an exhibitionist. His T shirt says "Sober" on it.

Next up is Chris, 23, the hot black guy who I will miss so much -- he seems like a sweetie, and he does have a fantastic smile, very open and natural. He's a molecular biologist, but he might as well be wearing the red uniform shirt from the original Star Trek. Next out is Sean, 27, an "artist" with shaggy, floppy, artist hair. He kneels and kisses James' hand. I think Sean is straight, 'cause he's trying way too hard. He hands James a CD and tells him it has Sean's favorite track on it. You can't see the CD cover, but it seems like something he either burned or like something that (horrors) contains Floppy Sean's original sounds.

James interviews that it's nice of Sean to do all this and brave of him since all these other guys are watching and will think Sean is a "cheeseball." I know I do. Then comes Wes, cute, and "confident [he's] going to win." Next up is Robb. Blond, tan and wearing a T shirt with "For Rent" written on it. Sigh. Did his parents name him "Robbert?" Tool. Then comes Matt, 27, who wants "the whole package all in one."

Next up is Brian the chiropractor. He's a total nebbish. He interviews about his mad skillz as a lovah. Eww. Personally, I love the gay lovin'. I watched every episode of Queer as Folk, and I had a gay roommate in college, so I've seen that show -- at least the opening number, anyway -- live. But Brian looks like a younger, blonder Michael Tucker. So I say again, eww. Next is cute Mark, 33 (the old man of the group) a lawyer. Then comes Paul, 23, from Ann Arbor. He hopes just being himself will woo the leading man. Good luck with that.

Then comes our final GB, Aggressively Blond Dan. This guy is smiling so fiercely I can almost hear him thinking "Fish are friends, not food." His teeth glow with unholy radiance, and he's super confident that he'll be scoring soon. I really want Aggressively Blond Dan (ABD) to be gay, for the sake of straight girls everywhere, but my own personal gaydar is telling me he's straight. Poor, poor James. Dan is wearing the same tank top as James, and compliments James on his taste. So smooth. Only not. Dan interviews about himself, saying he "exude[s] sexuality." Whateva. I think he exudes eau de man skank, but hey, it's early days. I could be wrong.

After introductions and James' mad dash to the bar for some liquid courage, we get a lame, Very Brady Style montage of guys in blue boxes against black screens talking about coming out. Some tell cute stories about denying their gayness in a way that's supposed to make us wonder who's a queer and who's a steer (thank you, Louis Gosset Jr.) The GB15 are introduced to Andra by BritSkank, and then commercials.

Watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!!! Watch the West Wing!!! Watch the Queer Eye/West Wing Crossover where they buy Martin Sheen a Speedo and get him a Brazilian wax!!! Or perhaps not.

We're back. Still poolside at GB House. The boys have all gotten laid...er, leid. BritSkank VOs that James will get to know the guys by meeting them in groups of five. BritSkank VOs, all smarmy, "What [James] doesn't know is that some of them are straight!" Yeah, yeah, yeah, and they replaced his frappachino with Folger's Crystals. We get it, Possum Head. Shut. Up. From here on out, references to the straight fame whores who came on this show will simply be flagged as "Folger's Crystal's moments." This should in no way be taken as a product placement for Folger's.

Anyway, Group Date #1: Jason, Franklin (easily the cutest, with wavy brown hair and blue eyes), Jim, Brian and Michael are up first. James asks them what genre of music they would listen to if they could only choose one genre for life. Way to hit 'em with the hardball questions, James. Brian likes pop. Jim likes punk. Franklin likes "vocal house not regular house..." the editors spare us his expert elucidation of the difference between the two. Michael likes Massive Attack but isn't sure what genre they are.

Franklin says he's strictly a classical fan. Then he loses me by calling Carmina Burana "the hard stuff." No. No, no, no. The hard stuff is Beethoven. The hard stuff is Mozart, or J.S. Bach. The hard stuff may even be stretched to include the Russian five or even Rachmaninov. But Carmina Burana? I'm sorry, but a latin drinking song best used as ambient music in movies about the devil just doesn't cut it.

Franklin interviews that James might find him "a little uptight." Franklin is ummy, so I think James should let Franklin's love of that nasty devil music slide. Talk drifts to other topics. Jason tells everyone he's a submariner and then interviews that he joined the military right out of high school. Since he's active duty military (or says he is) I'm going to call Jason as one of the straight ringers, or, as I'll be calling them, Crystals.

New segment: Guys soaking their feet in the pool. Lawyer Mark tells us that competition will be fierce, but that James has Andra to help him weed people out. Chiropractor guy trades leis with Andra. Jason interviews that "If you put a bunch of gay men together in a house...there will be distractions from the leading man." We cut to Robb asking one of the other guys why he thinks Robb would know where the nasty porn stores are. Um, hello, For Rent T shirt, doofus.

Guys meet and greet and flirt. James says he can't gauge whether the other guys are looking at each other. He says he and Andra are already speculating about the other guys hooking up. Then we get ABD saying that Franklin is his main competition. Not if you bleach your teeth a little more, ABD. If you blind James, he'll be forced to "see" your inner beauty and you can win him. No, that doesn't seem likely. Anyway. More party. My doomed sweetie Chris interviews that it's all about liking yourself. Aww. So sweet. So doomed. I can almost see him in his red ensign's shirt, moving slowly away for a look behind the rocks. He thinks his chances are good. Awww.

Wes and Robb's group are talking about the item they'd want if they were stranded on a desert island (I know! I know! The severed head of Jeff Probst.) None of them want Probst (something they have in common with every other mammal on planet earth). Robb wants a mirror, so he can look good in case he dies. He wants to be pretty when he's buried. Wow. What hidden depths. Wes wants a knife. Creepy, but honest. James likes Wes' "energy. " And Sean wants a bottle of wine so he can "go out with a buzz." Insert random tool joke here.

Next group. James shakes hands with Brian, Paul, Mark, ABD and Matt. ABD interviews that it'll come down to personality and not looks and he hopes to spend enough time with James so James can find out. James asks the desert island question again. ABD says he wants a person on his island. He says he hopes it'd be a guy, but any other person would be good, even if it were a woman. Hmmm. Folger's Crystal? I think so.

James interviews that ABD's answers were "too perfect" and that he might be "too good to be true." Mark wants a CD player. Paul wants a soccer ball. The other guys make fun of him because "That already happened in a movie." Actually, Castaway's Wilson was a volleyball. Yeah, I know, shut up, Clavin. Brian the chiropractor (aka, Poor Guy's Michael Tucker) interviews that his first impression of James was "handsome man" and that his "main competition is [ABD]." Yeah, ABD and all the other buff, non-balding guys who don't look like leftovers from L.A. Law. So Brian's main competition is, well, everyone. Anyway, Lawyer Mark says something about his age (at 33 he's the grizzled grandad of the group) being an asset because James is 32.

Andra grabs James and they go off to sit by the pool and dish about the GBs. Andra says it's "so fabulous." She's having a hard time weeding out the wienies. She likes PGMT because the good chiropractor gave her his lei and talked to her. James tells Andra that Paul was really quiet, but James thinks it's because Paul might be overwhelmed. Andra says something about the "tough questions," and we go to commercial with NZed Skank VOing previews from this episode's conclusion.

This luau is taking place almost in real time. And that's just as boring as it sounds. The commercials for BMB promised me cute boys being thrown into pools and dancing cheek to cheek. All I've seen are guys drinking umbrella drinks and talking about crappy music. It's like My Dinner with Andre. Hey! It's My Gay Group Date with Andra. I'd buy the action figures for that, let me tell you.

Commercials. Presidents. Queer Eyes. Michael Douglas. Rheumatoid arthritis. No, not in the same commercial (though Michael Douglas is getting up there. Perhaps Catherine should take him for a bone density scan).

Dancing boys in sarongs eat fire and the GBs start booty dancing. Franklin blows...a conch shell. The sun sets. Guys sip girl drinks and ABD wonders aloud what it'd be like if girls came and found all these boys. "Whazz up ladiezz!!" Paul hoots. "It's one big sausage fest!" ABD cackles. Hmmm. Folger's Crystal? Hmmm.

BritSkank offers a Folger's Crystal moment, VOing to wonder if one of the Crystals will crack under the pressure of a one-on-one interview with James. Oh! The suspense is killing me! Or maybe not.

First up is my poor, doomed Chris. He and James sit in throne-like rattan chairs. James asks Chris about coming out. Chris says he just came out to his mom two weeks ago. Mom was shocked, but took it in stride, and Chris "knows she loves [him]." James isn't sure about Chris because Chris is "so freshly out." I think this is a little bogus. When you live thousands of miles from Mom, you can be totally out to everyone you know but her. So you can be pretty out without telling Mama. Oh, look! What's that behind that rock. I think Chris had better go check it out. He looks swell in red.

Next up is Paul. He says the show is a new and different experience. James thinks Paul is nervous. James thinks this because Paul is young and cute. I think Paul has about 0 charisma. He's a cutie, but James could do better.

Poolside montage. Andra, a little drunk, is explaining that "fag" is offensive and "hag" in offensive and "put them together and it's triply offensive." I think Andra needs another girl drink and a math tutor, stat.

And here's ABD. he interviews about his "strategy" in "the game." He tells James, he's "thrilled [he's] attracted to [James]. If [ABD] wasn't, [ABD]'d be faking it for ten days, and that'd suck." ABD interviews that he wants to get to know James on the deepest emotional level. Then they go back to the one-on-one and ABD reveals that he has a boyfriend in New York named Chris, but that they're "open" to other guys. H-Bomb! James interviews that his other relationships ended because of infidelity, and he has a real problem with this. So Dan is a giant fame whore, and I'm still pretty sure he's straight. Another thing I noticed in the "sausage fest" scene was that compared to the other guys, ABD is a tiny little man. Pocket sized. Not that that means anything. I'm just saying.

BritSkank comes poolside and drags James and Andra back to GB House to make the first cut. They stand before the wall of boys to make their decision. James asks Andra if there's one she doesn't like at all. She says there really isn't and that's the problem. James says Chris is a problem because he's newly out. He says Matt told him Matt's "been with women." Hmmm? Crystals? Hmmm. James tells Andra about Dan's boyfriend and their open relationship. They think there's something going on with PGMT (who looks extra Tuckerish in the headshot). BritSkank does a quick count down before taking James away to make the unkindest cuts of all.

Commercials. Watch your children like hawks or they'll be giving $2 handjobs for smack!!! Well, they'll be smoking weed, and that's equally bad. Or maybe not.

For the eliminations, James invites each of the GBs who get to stay to come take a glass of champagne from him. He does this one name at a time, so the elimination process is like getting picked last for basketball...only with much smaller balls (one hopes. Elephantism is a bitch). More very Brady interviewlets. Guys say things like "if he likes me, he likes me," and one even makes the basketball court analogy. Jason says "Don't ask, don't tell." Snort. Back to the rumpus room at GB House. GBs sit on a funky, 60s retro, Austin Powers looking sectional. Not in Austin Powers colors -- it's all very neutral and tasteful. Unlike the show and BritSkank who stands next to James and explains that some of the GBs are going home. She says there are 12 champagne glasses and 15 GBs and they should do the math.

James thanks the GBs, and says it was swell getting to know them. Sadly, it's time to invite 12 of them to stay and get rid of three of them. He keeps Brian H (Not PGMT), Cute Franklin, Lawyer Mark, Ab-tastic Michael (who hugs James), Barely Legal Paul, Wes (who James calls "crazy, zany and funny"), Matthew, Floppy Sean (he calls Sean sharing his music "touching"), Jim (another hug), Sober Guy (well, except for champagne) Robb and (suspense, suspense)........ABD (who James describes as "very candid, very honest.") I'm loving James a little less. He blows off Chris (who was a real sweetie) and kept Dan, who has a boyfriend.

Then the show revealed the sexual orientation of the rejected GBs. Jason (surprise, surprise, surprise) is gay. I hope the Navy isn't watching this. Cute, sweet, newly out to his mama Chris is gay. Michael Tucker lookalike Brian is straight. Which I should've guessed. I just thought he was way, way too dorky to be a ringer, but sometimes the obvious choice is the right one. Not that I haven't known any dorky gay boys. Just not very many.

We're moving smartly towards the credits when we get this disclaimer: "The producers have consulted with the leading man regarding his choices of elimination, but the leading man has made all final decisions on his own." So basically, they've rigged it, but only a teensy, weensy, itty bitty little bit. Which may be why ABD stayed. Whether or not he's a Crystal, I have no true idea (though I think he is). But he's 100% pure American fame whore, and that's damned good TV. The disclaimer flashes by at lightening speed, but I taped the show like the good recapper I am and my pause button helped with the rest.

Next week: GBs frolic. BritSkank VOs that there will be "dirty dancing." There are cowboy hats. And BritSkank has a twist she's going to reveal. And damn it! I taped over Drumline. Oy, what a week.

8/6/03
Previously on Boy meets boy: James met the GBs. He and Andra weeded wienies. ABD revealed that he's in an open relationship. James drooled over Franklin. Chris, Jason and Brian the chiropractor get the boot and blah, blah, blah, Folger's Crystalcakes. BritSkank VOs that this week James and Andra are in for a real shock. Who's gay and who's a money grubbing straight famewhore...this week on Boy Meets Boy.

Sunrise over GB House. James, looking tasty in just PJ bottoms, makes breakfast and VOs that he's "feeling very relieved today...the elimination was horrible." James says it was one of the worst things he's ever done.

Poolside with Andra, James says he wants day two to be outdoors and full of fun so that he can get to know the remaining GB12.

Mate's House (What up with that? Mr. Brady designed two fugly modern McRanchions in Palm Springs? Nice of them not to tell us til now.) Gay-dy Guest House features a nice pool in which various GBs frolic. Wes says that BMB is "a bizarre situation." Then we see Dan, Franklin and Robb in their room. Dan says Robb looks guilty. Robb applies some product to his cheek of tan and tells ABD "It's not lube, it's lotion!" Six of one, Robb-ert, just as long as it's water based.

Robb interviews that he's skeptical about the others' strategy. He wants to find himself "in the middle of it and having fun." Robb's talks strategy over shots of hot, wet GBs in the pool. Robb listens at the bathroom door, telling the occupant that "if [he] shakes more than twice [he's] playing with it." Or, in ABD's case, consulting it about career strategy. A-hem.

Speak of the devil (or one of the devil's bleachier minions) ABD makes his entrance for the week as he VOs over shots of GBs frolicking (they sure love that sweet, sweet pool, the lucky bastards). ABD says that they're all laughing and playing, but they're really all out to snag James (or $25 K) for themselves. They give us a way-too-tight shot of ABD's right nipple, then cut to GBs eating [product placed Italian chain food]. How unfortunate for [PP Italian Chain] to have their already unappetizing product shown in connection with ABD's unappetizing product.

Back at the other ranch (GBH, original) James and Andra fold laundry as they work out strategy for getting to know more GBs. BritSkank VOs that James and Andra don't know they've replaced James' frappucino with Folger's Crystals (for those of you just joining us, who haven't read any of the magazine articles, seen any of the ads or who've been living in a Trappist monastery in Kentucky for the last month, this means that they've tossed some non-gay boys into the mix. And James and Andra don't know. What classy fun! Except not.)

James and Andra interview that each of them will get to know different GBs and compare notes. They talk about Franklin, and we see shots of Franklin in the pool doing a nifty backflip onto a double wide raft. They talk about Darren. Andra says James should get to know Darren (and ditto on the pool footage). Andra says Matthew may or may not be "wild." And Sean is a good person and contributes "engaging conversation" to the mix. Marc? They think he's quiet. He looks super fine chillin's by the pool. He's a man of few words. James wants to see what makes the GB12 tick.

Andra says Paul is a wild card, but quiet. Then Andra asks the question we've all been asking, "Do we need to spend anymore time on [ABD]?" As millions of BMB viewers scream "Noooo!" at their TVs, James chimes in "Or do we let him hang himself?" Well, that could be interesting, too. Andra says something about ABD maybe turning out to be "one of the nicest people in the world." If the world is ABD, Joan Rivers and Anne Coulter, I could almost see it. Almost. James says ABD's honesty saved him last week. ABD looks over Brian's oiled, sweaty tum and tells the assembled pool-loving GBs that they should check out Brian's "trail," calling it one of the cutest things he's seen in a while. To which Brian replies "I'm going to kill you." Make it so, Brian #2, make it so.

Sun. Palms. Flowers. GB House. BritSkank walks in saying "Wakey wakey" and asking James and Andra how they slept. She carries a blue shopping bag. Her dead possum hair is slightly better (sloppy pony tail) but her outfit is so tacky Sarah Jessica Parker would almost wear it. Hot pink Palm Springs T paired with the world's ugliest pair of poo brown capri pants. The pants have drawstring cuffs. Not attractive.

BritSkank tells them that even though James hates country music, they're going to make him line dance and also wear the cowboy hat and bandanna BritSkank has in her bag. What a crappy thing to do. They know James hates country, but they give him a country themed day o'humilation. It's a lucky thing they know James digs gay guys...oh, wait a minute. BritSkank adjusts James' bandana "to complete the very gayness that is Boy Meets Boy." Well, "gay" in the seventh grade playground sense of the word. We're only ten minutes in and already BritSkank needs to Shut.Shut.Shut. her piehole.

Back at the Gay-dy Guest House, the GBs enter the living room to find a nice lineup of cowboy boots and hats and a note telling them that Franklin, Michael, Jim, Mark, Dan, and Robb have all been selected for a special day o'country crap with James. Robb interviews that they were excited to be spending time with James, but also to be getting new outfits. Montage of GBs putting on cowboy clothes.

James rides in a limo in cowboy duds. At the GGH, GBs put on clothes. Wes holds up a cowboy shirt and says to Robb "Hi there, I'm Tex, I'm a heterosexual." To which Robb replies, "Yes, yes you are." Hmmm. Folger's Crystal? Wes smells like frappucino, but who knows.

James arrives at GGH and all the guys stand around laughing at how stupid they look in the cowboy crap. The biggest non-humvee limo ever takes them out to the desert. ABD interviews that he didn't know what in the world could be out there, but that he'd just close his eyes and hope for the best. I want to do that whenever ABD gets screentime, but unfortunately I have to recap. Such a hardship. Anyway, commercials.

See Brittany Murphy's crappy new movie. Rent a Hertz. Watch Queer Eye. Bose!!!!! Interactive Male phone sex chat line. Nu? Yipes. The GBs are dressed just like Mr. Interactive Male. Product Placement? I wouldn't put it past the sleazebags who produce the show, but it's not exactly subtle. Again, these producers hired BritSkank, so subtle probably isn't a major concern.

Back to the desert of hot, gay (and faux gay) country lovin'. The GBs are welcomed to a dance lesson by hot Latin Jorge who asks where the ladies are. The GBs fill him in, and Jorge catches on with a wink and a laugh. Jorge wears the tightest jeans ever, with with wear spots on the ass, crotch and thighs. I think he's probably danced with a group of just boys before.

Jorge teaches the GBs and James to line dance, accompanied by the most uncomfortable-looking live band ever. They dance on an outdoor wooden dance floor, with a gorgeous mountain view behind them. It's very pretty, but probably not a lot of fun in the bright sunshine and the heat of the California desert. The dude ranch probably has most of its social dances at night. But they don't have Brittany Murphy's new movie to sell.

Anyway, Jorge asks for a volunteer for one-on-one partner dancing. Marc steps up, hoping it'll impress James and show a bit of personality. James VOs that it's nice to see Marc coming out of his shell. Marc dances a smart waltz with Jorge. Then Jorge decides its time to teach the GBs how to get "more intimate" with their partners. ABD steps right up like the good little famewhore he is.

Jorge tells ABD that ABD will get right in Jorge's front, and that Jorge will be grinding his crotch against ABD and giving him a pantomime reach around. I'm not making this up. James (interviewing from poolside later in the evening) says that at that point he "was really starting to dislike [ABD] because all [ABD] wanted to do was dance with Jorge." James doesn't seem jealous. He mentions ABD's special friend in New York and seems more disgusted by ABD's original recipe whorishness than anything else. ABD interviews that "it was quite an experience," and that he "can definitely see where Jorge got the worn out bottom in his pants." This is illustrated by a nice, tight shot of Jorge's nice, tight ass. Thanks for the subtlety, BMB director. Oh, and bite me.

GBs dance to the live band, which has a nice rockabilly thing going. James dances with Robb. Robb interviews that as he danced with James he could "definitely feel the start of some sort of a connection." Or maybe James was just happy to see you. Robb adds that it was a very close style of dancing, and we get film to illustrate, with GBs doing a sort of faster paced, waltzier, country lambada.

Franklin and Jim make the stiffest couple since Walt Disney and Ted Williams lined up together in the cryogenics tank. James leads and Robb follows and they dance really well together. After a few more spins round the hot, dusty floor, James opens an instruction card telling him to "lasso" one of the GBs for a one-on-one date.

Interviews. Basically they all say the same thing: they all want the one on one time with James. They want to get to know him. They feel like they could connect if they had alone time. Oh, and ABD's hair has morphed into something off one of those plastic troll dolls. Maybe he and BritSkank are sharing a stylist. Who will James' lucky cowpoke be? All will be revealed after commercials.

Commercials. Bailey's is ummy. But drink responsibly. Cower in terror, Costner directed another movie. More rheumatoid arthritis. It's a serious disease. Unlike the other diseases, which are only kidding.

Dude Ranch of Hot Man Love. Franklin wins the dream date, and the two do the dirty boogie Jorge demonstrated on ABD. All the other GBs look on jealously and the band looks on, unhappy that their management screwed them over by setting them up with this gig. Then Franklin and James sit on hay bales (I knew this show was evil enough to have somehow involved Trading Spaces' Hildi). Franklin interviews that he thinks he and James "have great chemistry."

They talk about their dating history (Franklin's is slim pickings -- a high school relationship and not a lot else since). Franklin compliments James on his "masculine jaw" and his "feminine eyes" and how the two blend together. Weird comment. Folger's Crystal? Hmmm. They drink, hug and go back to the GGH. James walks the boys in, then leaves in the limo with Andra.

Limo. James and Andra dish about the GBs. James says Marc surprised him by dancing a lot. Michael was "emotional and lovey dovey" but still fun. Jim was "hilarious." James says he danced with Robb, and that Dan "is such a player." Ya think? Dump his skanky ass already. James talks about the one on one date with Franklin and says there were "probably" sparks. Andra interviews alone that "For James to have chemistry with one person is momentous, but to have chemistry with multiple people is amazing." Unless it's a setup, and on TV and James is the center of attention in a romanticized, wholly phony version of reality. I'm just saying.

Back at the GGH, GBs lounge, and the doorbell rings. Sean, Darren, Matt, Wes, Brian and Paul receive a message that they should be ready at 9 am to strap on their harnesses. Their date involves hardcore S&M. No, worse: rock climbing.

Morning. GBs and James emerge from a limo and enter the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway. A tram car carries them to the top of a mountain.

Back at GGH, Andra meets and greets the remaining GBs and they compliment her kicky boots. Andra's job for the day is to take the non-climbing GBs shopping. Each GB is supposed to buy James a little giftie.

They go to Ye Old Souvineer Crap Emporium, and Andra and ABD discuss ABD's fictional New York boyfriend. ABD backpedals in his story, telling her that he hasn't seen the boyfriend in three months. Then ABD interviews that he told her about the boyfriend and now maybe Andra "will sense that maybe I'm available now totally. 'Great [ABD] is available.'" Troll hair and referring to himself in the third person? And here I thought I might run out of reasons to loathe ABD.

Cliffs, rocks, trees. The GBs and James gather round their guide, the world's craggiest old hippie. With his long hair and mellow tones, he reminds me an awful lot of the Lesbian Seagull guidance counselor from Beavis and Butthead. Lesbian Seagull tells the boys That they're going to put on gear and climb rocks. Wes says he likes harnesses. Lesbian Seagull says "You could almost fit two people in here (the harness)" Wes jokes that that's what he's used to.

Wes interviews that the rock climbing is the most exciting event they've done so far. Well duh, since the only other thing this group of GBs has done was a luau and a day of lounging pool side. James does not seem enthused by the whole rock thing. Wes adds that they all bonded "over getting each other up to the top." Heh. He said "getting each other up." The GBs and James climb a big, phallic rock to the sporty guitar of clean living man love.

James is pleasantly surprised by Paul's get up and go on the big rock. Paul interviews that he thinks James is going to look for the "characteristics and personality he's going to like." Insightful, Paul. Paul's lucky he's so pretty and shiny. Boys climb some more. James gets a third of the way up a fairly big rock and freezes in fear, unable to ascend or descend. BritSkank narrates previews of the rest of the episode (need filler much, sleaze producers?). And then, commercials.

Watch Queer Eye. It's so much better than Boy Meets Boy. No, they didn't say that, but I'm saying it now. Go see Camp, it's homo-rific. Bowflex. Realize your dreams. Bowflexxxxx!

James huddles in fear on the rock. Wes tries to talk him into climbing, telling him how beautiful the view is. James interviews that Wes talked him through the climb, telling him to take deep breaths and focus. James interviews that when he got up there, he "literally felt on top of the world." He says Wes is someone he can relate to, and Wes probably feels the same way. Wes interviews that they have "major potential absolutely."

Atop Bald Knob (hee -- I'm just making this stuff up, but go with me, people) James is handed an envelope by some anonymous blond resort staffer. The note says James should choose one special GB with whom to spend a little quality alone time. Now, Wes just spent the last fifteen minutes talking James up Bald Knob, but James picks Darren (aka Mr. Sober) instead. James danced with Robb and seemed to have chemistry with him during the line dancing date, but he chose Franklin (the acknowledged cutest boy of all the GB12) for the one on one.

There are two ways to view this: either James is thinking with lil' James, or he feels like he got to know Wes and Robb during the group dates and he wants to give other guys a chance. I like James enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. At least he hasn't specially anointed ABD with the gift the evil one most craves: extra screen time. For that, we should all forgive James for his two most recent dating choices.

Table for two with a view. James and Darren talk dating history. Darren says he'd love to find someone he could settle down with. He says "I want my partner, I want my house, I want my kids." Partner is sort of an odd term to use, but James seems touched. They finish up the date with a big hug and what may have been the tiniest kiss ever (intentionally bad camera angle prevents me from being certain).

Back at GGH, Andra welcomes all the GBs, shoppers and climbers alike. They sit outside eating [product placed] pizzas and drinking beer. Andra explains the giftie idea to James, and James examines his haul of treasures from Ye Old Tourist Crap Emporium.

Jim bought James a shot glass because they talked about margaritas once. ABD bought James a pillow with "hope" embroidered on it, saying it "represents the hope James and [ABD] share for love some day." Never mind crying -- somewhere, the Baby Jesus is vomiting blood over this one. ABD needs to Shut.Shut.Shut. He is talky meat of the gamiest variety. Next up is Brian who gives James a drinking chess set.

Robb gives James a card that says "Are you going to come quietly, or are we going to wake the neighbors?" It's probably sick and wrong, but I lie this gift so much more that the hope pillow. And I vote for waking the neighbors. Screw them -- it's not like they have jobs or anything. Wes presents James with a book on travel because Andra told him that she and James have discussed seeing the world. Andra interviews that she just realized during the giftie party that there could really be someone there who James would care about. Then she gets misty and my desire to see the producers of this show roasting slowly over a spit while chained to BritSkank and ABD flares anew.

Paul gives James a book on San Diego, telling him that he should read up and come on down so Paul could show him the town. Paul interviews that there are a lot of big personalities in the group and he sometimes feels like he's on the outside. Paul and James hug. Next up is Matt who gives James windchimes and a candle. Michael gives a gift to Andra because any friend of James is a friend of Michael's. James thanks all the GBs and calls the gifties "very touching."

Then BritSkank interrupts to say it's time for James and Andra to weed wienies. As she leads them away past the pool, James rips on her for her rudeness and bad timing saying "That wasn't cool!" BritSkank makes noises about how she's just following orders and they stand before the wall of gay (and pretend-gay-in-hopes-of-pay) boys. She tells them she has a twist to reveal that could change everything. Then, commercials.

Swim to the bottom of the ocean for your Hertz rental car (no, the bottom is U.S. Rental which offers Vegas tourists black cars with dark interiors to enjoy in the 119 degree heat. But I'm not bitter about that. Not much anyway). Facelift in a bottle. The tiny print tells us that the after pix involve "light makeup." Yeah, and much more flattering lighting. I wonder if AB has stock in that crap.

GBH. BritSkank explains the twist. No, they didn't tell James about how they secretly replaced his frappucino with Folger's Crystals. She tells James and Andra that the GBs have been divided into groups of four, and James will have to weed one wienie from among each group of four instead just dumping the three guys he's least interested in. Andra's pissed. James is pissed. The audience is swearing at their TVs. The producers are counting their fat cash profit and shaking hands with Satan, thanking him for holding up his end of the bargain. Then Britskank VOs the blah blah blah Folger's Crystals cakes for the umpteenth time. We KNOW!! (TM Monica Geller Bing). Shut.Shut.Shut. your peroxide piehole.

Rumpus Room, GBH. James says it's hard to make the cuts. BritSkank explains the group thing and the champagne bit remains unchanged from last week. The first group includes Franklin, ABD, Jim and Sean. Because ABD and Andra had "honest talks," ABD can stay. The hell? Next up is Franklin. He can stay, as can Sean. Buh bye, bland Jim. Next group: Wes, Michael, Robb and Paul. Wes gets the first glass for helping James get to the top of Bald Knob. Robb gets a glass because he's "easy to be around and fun to talk to." James and Robb hug. Paul smiles a twinkly smile, and James picks...Michael, calling him "kindhearted." BritSkank says buh bye to Paul, and Paul leaves.

James interviews that Paul is just too young, and the other three are much more settled. Lastly, we have Matt, Marc, Brian and Darren. Marc stays (and James actually seems afraid he won't want to, which is surprisingly sweet and touching). Darren stays. James is choked up. Marc, sensing the axe, paraphrases the Dixie Chicks and encourages James to let 'er rip. James picks Brian, and exchanges a long goodbye hug with Marc.

Marc interviews that "There was just no connection" and adds that he didn't really struggle to get James' attention and James probably sensed it. Marc is gay. Yeah, big shock. And here we were all thinking a straight lawyer would go on a reality show and pretend to be gay for pay. Cause we all saw that episode of L.A. Law where Harry Hamlin walked on the wild side of West Hollywood. Only not. Paul and Bland Jim are both straight. Paul feels rejected "despite [his] sexual orientation. Jim says something that makes me reach over and hit the snooze button again.

Disclaimer: blah blah blah, the game is rigged, but only a teeny, tiny, itty, bitty little bit; the producers consult with James, but James makes his own picks.

Next week: Andra gets veto power. And credits.

8/13/03
Previously on Boy Meets Boy: Franklin complimented James' "masculine jaw," Wes helped James climb Bald Knob, James didn't know about his frappucino being replaced by Folger's Crystals (i.e., straight famewhores). This week, BritSkank tells us, will feature Boys Gone Wild. We see footage of Sean's wildly roiling ass to back this up. Who's gay and who's a famewhoring Folger's Crystal this week on Boy Meets Boy!

Moonlight over Palm Springs. GGH. In the world's ugliest patio (corrugated tin walls and harsh lighting. Never mind making the baby Jesus cry -- this decor would make Trading Spaces' Hildi cry. It's not for the faint of heart.) Shirtless GBs sit around shooting the shit. Wes tells the other GBs that he only ever tried dating women once. He had girlfriend in college who had "huge tits." He doesn't make that sound like a good thing. He says they dated for two weeks, he kissed her once, reluctantly, and they broke up. Michael tells the group that he's been with women. Michael says he's bisexual. The other GBs react with varying degrees of horror at this revelation.

Robb expresses shock and awe, saying he thought everyone there was "straight up gay." I wait a beat for BritSkank to VO the blah blah blah Folger's Crystalcakes, but am blessedly spared this. The producers showed a little restraint. Don't worry, they'll redeem themselves for the sleazy exploitation artists they are a bit later in this fine hour of television. Instead of the Crystals talk, we get Brian interviewing from blue screen land that "You're trying to date a guy and you're telling us that the last person you dated was a girl. That seemed kind of strange." What Brian doesn't know...

"Rebecca honey?"
"Yes, Guardian Drag Queen Ru Paul?"
"Shut the hell up with that Folger's Crystal shit."
"Thanks for the wake up call, Auntie Ru!"
"Anytime, girlfriend. Now get back to the recap. I can't wait for the part about Dan's ass."
"Righty-o."

GBH. Andra lies on the couch and says that "ABD's gonna hate [her]." She tells James about the discussion she had with ABD at the Ye Old Palm Springs Emporium of Tourist Crap (and cheesy Hope pillows) about ABD having a boyfriend. She didn't buy his bullshit story, so ABD's evil plan about Andra being overjoyed that he was "available" has failed. Drat! Foiled again.

GGH. Robb and Brian lie on top bunks of bunk beds. It's a very innocent, very goodnight Johnboy kind of scene. Brian's bunk sports zebra striped sheets (why can't Hildi stick to ruining just the one cable show?). They dish about ABD and his purported boyfriend. Brian says he has a crush on ABD. Wes and Robb seem a wee, teensy bit scandalized. Brian interviews that he likes James and ABD a lot. Whatever shall he do? Get some taste and in a hurry, sweetie, or just wait for ABD to be eliminated. I know which one I'm praying for (both, actually, but not in that order).

GBH. James and Andra pick out clothes for the day. They're going to a nature park and it's important that Andra look good. Which she won't unless she hits the Clinique counter pretty hard, invests in some translucent powder (this girl has the worst combination skin ever) and gets a chin implant. Not that they do plastic surgery at the Clinique counter. I'm just saying.

GGH. Brian complains about the fact that there are 12 (actually 9) gay men in the house and no ironing board. As GBs prepare for a fun day of group dating, the camera follows ABD into the john. We hear the sound of a shower. ABD interviews from bluescreen land that he's had lots of fun with Brian, "pointing out [Brian's] nature trail."

Robb and Brian are in the bathroom with ABD. Robb asks ABD to put his sweet cheeks up against the glass so they can have a look see. We get a shot of actual bare ass (this glass gives a very clear view -- I was pretty surprised Bravo aired it, but since distinguishing the parts of ABD that are ass from the rest of him is nearly impossible, I really can't blame the BMB editors or camera crew). Brian says "I never thought [ABD was] cute before, but now.." Robb says "I thought I recognized you!" Hee.

Not only does ABD press his ass to the glass, he gives it a cheery little shake. Biggest.famewhore.EVER. I hit the pause button and stared at ABDs meal ticket for a minute. All his time in the gym has paid off, but he's still a creepy sleaze. And there are much cuter (actual) gay boys in that house whose asses are probably as good or better.

Brian gives ABD a towel and sneaks a peak at his goodies. Brian and Robb leave, promising to "visit [ABD] later. I must say, despite the toolish double B, I've come to love Robb just a smidge. He's cute, makes with the quippage, and didn't seem all that impressed with the ass. Or the ass's buttocks.

Limo. James tells Andra that he wants to find out what ABD's story is. They interview that James needs to figure out who the guys really are and start focusing on one person. They pick up half the guys for a trip to the Living Desert (a nature park of some sort). They schmooze in the limo and then we get shots of lions and tigers and zebras (oh my). And snakes. The GBs and James and Andra sit on a retaining wall and a zookeeper hands Andra a card. Andra reads aloud that James will now go on a one on one date and that Andra gets to choose the lucky GB. Who will she choose? We'll find out after the commercials. VO from BritSkank about upcoming events in this episode (jeez, what a bunch of filler-y crap. Plus the Folger's Crystalcakes for the billionth time).

Commercials. Nicholas Cage made another movie where he plays a giant sleaze. Derek Jeter. MMMMmmmmm Derek Jeter. Uggh Steinbrenner's ass conga style. Vitamin gumballs (anyone else here ever eat a whole bottle of Flintstones vitamins? No? Just me, then). Creepy puppets take an Orbitz vacation.

Giraffe, sleeping lion (awww kitty's a-seepin). Andra chose Matthew. He and James feed a giraffe and notice that it has a huge, snake like tongue. The sit together and enjoy the desert view and talk about how tall they are. They also drink rootbeer floats and eat animal cookies. They have all the chemistry of Jen and Ben in Gigli. Not that I've seen Gigli. But still. They ride in a golf cart and discuss their lack of chemistry. Matthew is also worried that they live in different cities.

James interviews that he's "very glad and thankful that [Matthew] is being honest." Matthew VOs that he doesn't want to act like someone he's not. He thinks James should pick someone who's really right for him and Matt doesn't want to get in the way of that. I totally heart Matthew.

Limo. The GBs and James dish dirt about Michael's bisexuality. James is fishing for info, and Brian interviews that no one was giving any info because they didn't want to ruin Michael's chances.

GGH. The boys sit on the patio and have lunch. James interviews that Darren wrote him a limerick. Wes interviews from bluescreen land that they were all waiting to see if Darren would actually read the dirty bits out loud. Here's the limerick:

"There once was a man from Weho who was a big fan of Joe Schmoe...They sat in the pool and pulled out their tools and fucked till they [something that rhymes with "fucked" that was dirty enough to be bleeped. Where's Ozzy to translate when I really need him? Oh well. It wasn't exactly great art.

The other boys call Darren's stiff, uncomfortable reading of his masterpiece "ballsy." I thought it was sort of icky, especially in a group setting, and about as sexy/erotic as a joke from Playboy's Unabashed Dictionary ( which is never in the reference section when I'm shopping for Bar Mitzvah presents, oddly enough). James interviews that Darren may be too much for him to handle.

Andra pulls James and ABD into the GGH so they can call compare stories about ABD's made up boyfriend. ABD and James have a lame conversation about nonexistent Chris, the made up boyfriend who ABD swears "isn't right for [him]." James says he isn't judge-y, but the whole thing seems like a never ending trip to the woodshed. And not in a sexy, hot man love, naked-under-the-overalls, discipline-y trip to the woodshed. More like a special talk with your boss where you backpedal and lie a whole big bunch and both you and the boss know you're lying.

ABD interviews from bluescreen land that he regrets ever making Chris up (he actually said "bringing him up," but we all know what he meant). They reach an understanding, and it's awkward hugs all round for James, ABD and Andra as BritSkank VOs a preview of stuff we'll be watching in about five minutes and throws us to commercials. Oh, and some of the boys aren't gay. In case you'd forgotten.

Commercials. Carnivale on HBO. The cryptkeeper on Inside the Actor's Studio (no, wait, Michael Douglas. Honest mistake). Life demands Lysol (especially the glass shower in the GGH that probably still has ABD's ass germs on it).

"Welcome to Palm Springs" sign. Palm trees. GBH. Andra and James enter the living room and find an instruction card. Over at GGH, the boys find a card of their own "Watch out, Cher...Look out Madonna" because some GBs and James will be ruining some of their "music" via the magic of karaoke. Sean interviews that he can't sing.

Club. Empty save for 5 GBs, James and Andra. And Miss Coco Peru, a red wigged drag queen, most famous for having a bit part in the movie Trick (which also starred Tori Spelling, but didn't suck that much, even with heavy Tori content including Tori singing). Coco says she's thrilled to be there. Robb interviews from bluescreen land that Coco is one of the best drag queens ever (okay, I'm pretty sure Robb's gay now). Montage of James and GBs (including Robb and Franklin) singing "I Will Survive." Robb is charming. James is sort of on key. Franklin sucks, and seems very non-gay. James interviews that he knew Sean was nervous and that Sean doesn't like to sing, but that knowing that didn't prepare any of them for Sean's performance.

Sean takes the stage, sings horribly for a few seconds, before giving up on that and breaking into a very sexy hoochie dance (again to "I Will Survive"). I still think Sean is straight, but I very much enjoyed watching him whore it up on the dance floor. He has nice thighs, even if his floppy haircut makes him look like an unwashed, unemployed poseur.

Coco loves it. "That was genius! That started as a dramatic monologue and turned into a slut dance!" Coco says, adding that she's Sean's biggest fan.

Wes interviews that there are all sorts of stereotypes about guy men not being athletic or masculine. "This show blows [the stereotypes] out of the water," he says, totally serious. Cut immediately to all the GBs on stage singing along to "It's Raining Men." Thanks BMB editors. I hope your little joke still amuses you when you're roasting merrily in hell.

Coco gives Andra a card. She gets to pick a GB for a special duet/date with James. She picks Wes to reward him for helping James mount Bald Knob (I just can't help it. Heh heh heh, I said knob). Andra acts like Wes helped James summit Everest. Dramatic much, Andra? James and Wes sing "Almost Paradise." James sounds pretty good. Wes doesn't know the words. Wes is a baby who doesn't remember Footloose, or its demonic hold on the pop music charts for much of 1983. Coco says James and Wes are going somewhere secret.

Robb interviews that he feels left out and envious because he hasn't gotten enough one on one time with James. Except for all that dirty dancing in country music land. Which Robb has forgotten because it happened long, long ago (two days) in a galaxy far, far away (in the next county). Cry me a frigging river. My love for Robb wains.

James and Wes get in the limo and talk about the BMB experience. James interviews that Wes has been sort of showy and that James wants to get to know Wes' calm side. They go to a coffee shop with a really pretty courtyard and a gorgeous mountain view. Wes tells James that Wes had an "initial attraction...a spark" when the met. They have a very sweet and romantic time and talk about what they're looking for in a relationship. Wes says he wants someone "into monogamy."

They're so sweet together. If Wes turns out to be straight...well, I doubt he will. But they could be sexually incompatible (which I see as the real reason Matthew wasn't into James). I have a feeling all the real gay boys remaining (who I've pegged -- no, not in the Dan Savage sense of the word, you dirty minded freaks -- as Brian, Wes, and Robb) are all bottoms. I think James may be, too. So that pretty much leaves straight boys as his final choice.

Anyway, Wes interviews that James "totally won me over" and that the game is over for Wes -- he's in it for love and not a trip to New Zealand.

Cut to GBH. James and Andra study the wall of boys, The GBs sit on the corrugated tin patio and talk about how terrible the eliminations are.

Back at GBH, BritSkank tells them that the boys are going to be in groups of three (because this game is more rigged than the last yacht to win the America's cup) and that Andra has the power of veto. BritSkank looks better than in previous outings. Her deal with Satan must be kicking in about now. BritSkank VOs a preview to events happening years for now (i.e., in two minutes) and throws us to commercials.

Commercials. Watch Queer Eye, it cleanses your soul of the stain of Boy Meets Boy. Look for love on the internet -- even homely people can get laid at eHarmony if they're willing to part with $40. Well, $40 and their dignity.

GBH. BritSkank reiterates the veto thing. She says that Andra can only use it once, and doesn't make it clear if James would have to select a different GB to leave. BritSkank leads James off, leaving Andra standing around, looking morose in a little black dress that does nothing for her complexion or her figure.

GGH. GBs sit around the corrugated patio asking each other who the most feminine guy of all of them is. Brian says he's seen "Franklin nelly out around the pool" but has never seen that from Sean. Sean interviews that "Stereotypes are bullshit." Darren interviews that his "time with the mates is just kind of a revelation for me. There are a lot of gay guys in this world who are a lot like straight guys." I think this definitely marks him as straight. Back at the tin patio, he tells the other GBs that he doesn't like feminine men.

Darren, despite looking vaguely like Neil Patrick Harris, skeeves me out. He's either a homophobic, creepy famewhore or a gay man who hates fems. Six of one, half dozen of the other, since either of those choices buys me a ticket on the Darren hate train. ABD says people should be themselves, adding that if he were straight, he wouldn't be all uncomfy and say "Hi, I'm a straight guy." ABD says that's silly -- he'd just be himself. Then he gives a very femmy limp wrist wave. Thanks for sharing your special world view, you famewhoring hypocrite. Brian makes fun of ABD, pointing out the femmy hand wave. Have I told y'all lately that I loves me some Brian?

GBH. James stares mournfully at the wall of boys. He interviews that it isn't about marriage. ABD interviews that he doesn't want to be eliminated. He looks sad. Or pathetic. Take your pick.

GBH, rumpus room of eliminations. BritSkank brings in Andra. The guys hoot at her sexy outfit. James gives a little talk about how they've all established great friendships, but now it's about more than friendship, it's about chemistry. BritSkank tells the boys that Andra can save one of them if she so chooses. BritSkank says nothing about a replacement GB having to leave.

The first group of three are up and it's Sean, Michael and Robb. James calls Sean forward and offers him a glass of champagne (they call it champagne, but it looks a whole lot like cheap white Zinfandel). Next, he calls Robb, saying that Robb likes having a great time and James wants to see where their friendship goes. Robb looks especially yummy in an azure dress shirt that sets off his blue eyes. He gives a brilliant, toothy smile and they hug. Andra doesn't veto Michael. BritSkank tells him not to let the door hit him on the ass...or words to that effect.

Next group: Darren, Brian and Matthew. Darren and Brian are selected. Brain and James hug. Andra agrees with James' decision. And...commercials. BritSkank VOs a preview of events from the last three minutes of the episode. Jesus H. Christ on a raft! This showhas the laziest story editors ever. Didn't the GBs ever have one conversation the editors could show without intercutting a million lame interviews? Maybe if they did that and didn't waste time on BritSkank's stupid VOs and all the unnecessary previews, this show would suck a whole lot less. Oh wait, I forgot about the Folger's Crystals. Never mind.

Commercials. I'm too disgusted to plug the morally bankrupt companies who're sponsoring this crappy show. BTW, Orbitz sucks. Pass it on.

GBH. Andra agrees with James. Buh bye, Matthew. Thanks for bringing a bit of class to this travesty.

Last up are ABD. Franklin and Wes. James picks Wes first, saying they had a great conversation and that Wes is a great guy. Wes hugs James. BritSkank makes some noises bout the final selection, but I successfully tune her out. James picks Franklin, saying that the one on one at the hoedown was nice and that Franklin seemed really sincere. BritSkank polls Andra and they tell ABD to hit the bricks.

Packing montage. James interviews that he appreciated Matthew's honesty in telling James that there wasn't much chemistry. Matthew interviews that he really wants James to find someone to make him happy because James is a great guy and he deserves it. Matthew is gay. And one of the classiest people who I've ever seen on reality TV. He leaves the GBs a note: "Bye Guys! It was a total blast! Have a great next few days. I will be thinking about you! Hugs, Matt." Awww. Hugs back at you, sweetie.

Michael, by contrast, is very disappointed. He says gay people "are a higher caliber. They're more sincere." Michael wasn't bi, afterall; he was straight. Too bad about the $25K. He could have used it for community college or a hairstyle that evolved past the wet look of 1987.

Dan interviews that he had a great time and learned a lot about gay culture. He claims that he got very emotional and wanted the guys to know who he was. He said it probably paralleled the GBs coming out experience. Whateva, troll doll boy. Except that when real gay men come out, they risk losing the support of family or their jobs, or physical attack. You risked nothing, save your marginal at best acting career and a chance at $25K. Buh bye, Agressively Blond Dan. Thanks for all the famewhoring. Hope to see you in softcore porn on Skinamax any day now. Oh, and did I mention Dan was revealed as straight? Color me surprised.

Disclaimer: This show is rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Yeah, I know I shouldn't paraphrase, but that's the gist of it.

Next week: BritSkank says the dates will get "sexy, crazy and a little bit out of control." Franklin gives James a lap dance and BritSkank, with a giant smile on her pointy little face, tells James that one of the GBs isn't gay. Speculation: they tell him after the elimination, when it's down to three guys. Classy. Only not.

8/20/03
Previously on Boy Meets Boy: Sean shook his ass, ABD went home (and a nation cheered), as did Michael and Matthew (who showed a lot of class, and not just for a reality TV personality). Men hugged, and BritSkank advised us to watch as "everything changes on this episode of Boy Meets Boy." Except that it won't, so don't hold your breath. Sunrise. Flowers. Cactus. An alarm goes off and we see shirtless James asleep, then scrambling eggs. James and Andra sit by the pool and James says that now that it's down to six, "there's a lot more at stake." Because he likes these guys so much. They're really great and he has lots of fun with them.

Franklin interviews over footage of GBs lifting weights that it's now all about chemistry. He's worried it's not there. because he really wants that $25 thousand. Or a trip to New Zealand if you're living in fantasy land with James. Franklin probably shouldn't worry -- he's the best looking guy in the competition, and James has a proven track record on this show of thinking with his dick. Say it with me, "Poor, poor James!"

Wes bluescreen interviews that he sees "A shift of dynamics in the house. I think Darren and Sean are bonding more than they are before." Wes says he's become close to Brian and Robb and that Franklin "floats" between the two groups. If they were all nekkid, and he were floating between those groups in the pool, this show might be halfway entertaining. I dare to dream.

Poolside at the GBH, James and Andra find an instruction card and a toy horsie. Actually, it's a horse head on a stick. What a horrible thing for a child to play with. It's a little bit too Godfather for me, but at least the producers didn't leave it in James' bed or anything. Because they'd never play a mean trick on...oh, wait a minute. If you're just tuning in: Some of these guys are STRAIGHT. And James and Andra DON'T KNOW.

Anyway, James and all six remaining GBs get in the limo for a trip out to the middle of nowhere where they'll all ride the wide horse (to paraphrase an 80s song I last heard in a strip club full of oily, beefy guys). James wants a girl horse, "the nicest one." Not likely to be one and the same, but no man ever says he'd like a gelding. The ranch types might take the request the wrong way. They boys mount up and chatter about their horses' attitudes. Cheesy Bonanza theme-style music plays as the boys ride through the desert. Wes interviews that he enjoys seeing what makes James laugh. The boys dismount up the trail. Robb interviews that he got the last position in the "horse train" and had to breathe everyone's dust. He says this with a smile, then jokes that he won't shower that night. Darren says the horseback riding wasn't as bad as he thought it'd be.

James reads an instruction card. It tells him to pick a name out of the hat and go on a one on one lunch date with the lucky fella. James picks Brian, then cattily interviews that he isn't sure he'd want to date Brian because Brian is a bartender. "Bartenders sleep around, that's what they do." James says he wouldn't date a bartender because he'd be jealous and that bartenders get groped all the time.

During the date, he discusses the bartending with Brian. Brian explains that he has a day job, he just bartends for money, and that he isn't there to hook up. He's "relationship minded." James asks Brian what the biggest surprise in the BMB experience has been. Brian says he was surprised to meet someone who fit so many of the things he was looking for in a guy (aka James). James interviews that they both opened up and it was a nice, fun date. Yawn. Snooooooze. Oh? Show continues.

They hike a short way and James gets another card telling him to pick another mate to share a drink with. BritSkank VOs previews of stuff we'll see in five minutes because the people who edit this show are lazy and quite possibly evil, and then blah, blah, blah Folgerscrystalscakes as we go to commercials.

Buy a Mac...no, buy a Beetle and get an iPod. Queer Eye will redeem you in just a few minutes. Vitaball gumballs (not as tasty as Flintstones....ummmmm Flintstones). Lysol cleanses all, even the stain of watching Boy Meets Boy. Adam Durwitz really needs to cut his hair and get a J-O-B. Oh, and Save the Music.

James picks Robb. Robb interviews that he's "excited, a little wind blown and really dirty and sore." Just they way I likes 'em. They sit on a picnic table and try to keep a gusty wind from blowing their drinks over. James asks what Robb'd do if Robb made a connection with one of the other guys. Robb tells James he'd go for it, but that that hasn't happened. James asks Robb if Robb'd be disappointed to leave that night, and Robb says he would because he wants to get to know James better. James is wearing a straw cowboy hat. He should look like a giant tool, but he's so pretty he somehow makes it work.

All the guys assemble by the limo, and James gets yet another stupid card. It tells him to pick on GB for a private limo ride home. He chooses Franklin and they pop open a bottle of champagne.

The other five GBs ride home in (as Robb says) a dirty van. They dish about Franklin and his huge hair. We get flashback footage of Franklin with a huge case of bed head. MMMMmmm Franklin shirtless with bed head. Robb says that in the middle of the night, Franklin's hair grows over his bunk and attacks him. The other GBs laugh.

Limo. Franklin tells James he wants to "invest more in this" because "there is definitely a lot of interest" on Franklin's part. First the line about James' "masculine jaw" and "feminine eyes," now "a lot of interest." Franklin has all the sexual heat of a randy Alan Greenspan. Forecast my economic future, baby. Franklin asks James what he was hoping for on the trip. James says he wanted someone who wasn't fake, playing a game or lying. Franklin looks like he's committing these words to memory, in case it might help him later when he's lying, playing the game and faking it. They don't look like two people on a date. They're wedged into opposite corners of the limo and seem pretty stiff.

GB Dirty Van. Robb asks "What if I didn't do very well in my one-on-one?" "Did you study?" Brian asks, adding that he's just "auditing the class." They laugh and Wes adds that he's "taking it for full credit."

Back to the limo of boring faux man love. Snooooozzzzze. Boring chatter. Boring interviews. James and Franklin exit the limo and do the traditional uncomfortable reality show hug. James interviews from the limo that he wants Franklin, but Franklin is probably lying.

GBH. James lies on his bed and tells Andra about his dates. James says there was chemistry with everybody and that he had a one on one with Brian. Andra's psyched about that. great date with Franklin. Then he wonders what he would do if he picked someone who was "playing a game. James VOs that it would be devastating to pick someone like that, and that he hopes his faith in the "goodness of people wins out." Andra says she thinks James can trust the GBs. And I feel nauseated for the second or third time since watching the premiere.

Okay, truth time. The producers of this egregious piece of crap claim that it's a social experiment, that gay people should be tough enough to take the usual curve balls thrown by reality dating shows. Even if you accept this, it loses a lot of validity when you consider two things: there were at least seven straight mates out of an original group of 15, and the producers rigged all the exit ceremonies to insure that straight mates advanced throughout the program. That makes it not an experiment. That makes it a fairly mean game.

I'm watching this show, a lot of people are watching this show. I plan to reward the advertisers who backed this hateful thing by never buying any of their products. If you've read my recaps, feel free to note some of the products and companies I mention in writing about commercials. If you hate the producers as much as I've come to hate them, boycott the sponsors and send them an e-mail to let them know why they won't be getting your business anymore. Okay, enough truth. More Boy Meets Boy.

Nightfall. GBH. The GBs have all come to par-tay. Franklin and Wes have tulips. Franklin hits Wes in the nose with his. The boys eat surf and turf with James and Andra. Franklin talks about how someone's "sweat, blood and tears" are in every bottle of wine. I know which of my bodily fluids would be in the wine if I thought BritSkank was going to drink some. A-hem. Wes interviews that he thinks Franklin is forcing it.

BritSkank comes strolling out to tell everyone that the ceremony is happening soon, but that the producers in their never ending kindness will let James sleep on it. BritSkank has James pick a name out of a hat. It's Darren, and Darren and James will enjoy a special one on one desert. BritSkank VOs previews, and throws us to commercials.

Products and services to avoid like the plague: Gateway.

GBH. Darren asks James if James read his letter. Darren wrote him a note saying he'd felt real emotion for James. Darren is sort of robotic, and James says some soothing BS about knowing what your values are. Darren interviews that maybe he's finally met someone he likes. James and Darren kiss. On the lips, no tongue. Franklin looks like a jealous bitch. Franklin VOs that he's Jealous of the kiss.

The boys assemble in the rumpus room and are just getting ready to play a lame party game (I think leading ladies -- shout out to Six Feet Under or not, it would've bored me into a coma) when the doorbell rings. Surprise! It's a pair of greasy strippers. All the boys are scandalized (yet titilated). Andra decides to send the strippers packing and have the GBs try their hand at stripping instead.

James is shirtless in a chair, and all the boys are giving him lap dances. Robb is reluctant, but soon strips off and sits on James own personal stripper pole. Darren looks super uncomfortable, and does the white man's overbite while showing minimal skin. Sean works his money maker (far away from James). Franklin straddles James and does a neat little wiggle. Wes dances like a pro and gets James to stand up and dance with him. Wes says they're all just trying to make an impression on James and "shake the best ass" they can. Hard to argue with that.

James gets more instructions. He draws a name from a hat and the prize is a private limo ride home with James. The GB whose name remains in the hat gets to come over and make James breakfast in bed. Sean gets the limo ride, Wes gets the breakfast.

Limo. Sean interviews that he's had time to observe James and he can put his James info to use on the date. James asks Sean if he came up to him and asked him out, would he go. Sean says yes, because of James' "physical presence" and because James is an "attractive person." Person? I smell Folger's. But I always have, from the minute Sean pulled out the mix tape. Sean's floppy artiste hair looks especially greasy and stringy. James asks Sean if he's imagined kissing any of the other five guys. Sean says not really, but that he's considered the question from James' point of view. James interviews that this is a confusing non answer, and I join him in asking "Wha!!?"

Sean thinks their parting handshake was romantic. I'd call it painfully awkward, but I'm not the tender hearted fool that Sean is. BritSkank VOs yet another preview and tells us the twist will be revealed (not for a long, long time, so don't hold your breath). Commercials.

Commercials: Get a bootleg of Chicago. Don't buy the Clean Between Machine (you know, I'd be saying that even if it wasn't sponsoring Boy Meets Boy -- no commercial should actually mention rotting food particles), steal the New York Times (or read it online for free like I do),

GBH. Wes interviews that he's glad to have the opportunity to show off his cooking prowess to James. Sadly, the cupboard is bare, but Andra comes out to lend a hand and Wes manages to make a really amazing breakfast including French toast, eggs, and fruit. And garni. He and James discuss the whole crazy dating show thing. James interviews that he thought Wes might be too showy, but that he really liked him one on one. James tells Wes that kissing is very important to him. Wes also values swapping spit, so they have a common bond. They go out to the pool and play with Andra. God how I love that pool.

Tumbleweeds. Rainbow flag blowing in the breeze. GBH. James looks at the sad remnant of the wall of boys. He and Andra discuss the boys and Andra says she thinks James has the least chemistry with Robb. James likes Brian, but really doesn't know about Sean. James says he's afraid of "making a wrong choice." BritSkank tells them the producers will again be rigging the selection, dividing the boys into groups of two.

First up, Darren and Brian. James waits a good two minutes before rasping out "Brian." He's too farklempt to say much of anything, so he hands Brian a glass of fauxpagne and hugs Darren goodbye. Next up, Wes and Robb. Again, pregnant pause. Then James picks Wes, they hug, and Robb looks on, very sad. Robb hugs James and leaves. Lastly, we have Franklin and Sean. And commercials.

Commercials. Avoid Vegas like the plague. Revlon can't make everyone look like Julianne Moore, so why bother.

James interviews that Sean is introspective and Franklin is outgoing (read: hot). James doesn't pause this time, he picks Franklin, they hug and Sean makes a dumb statement about the show being a "big step in the gay revolution." And a nation vomits. Sean's hair is the height of greasy badness. He doesn't let the door hit him on the ass. James is crying and can't make a toast. Andra toasts through tears to the guys still there and the guys who've left and says she doesn't want James' heart to break too much. Sigh.

Here's my theory on the pairings: either Sean and Franklin are both straight, or the producers used their knowledge of James' preferences (lack of chemistry with Robb that he and Andra talked about, his fondness for Brian) and Brian is straight. I'm thinking that Franklin is straight, but it's still not a lock. Then again, the producers have traditionally taken the low road, and it strikes me that they wouldn't bother pairing the GBs for this elimination if they weren't trying to keep their noble experiment alive. So my money's on Franklin as the lone breeder standing.

Exit interviews. Darren is full of shock and awe. Darren is gay. Robb loves himself a whole lot and doesn't care if anyone thinks he's girly. He's gay and he's comfortable with himself. We'll miss him, and we did think he was good looking. Gosh darn it, people like you, Robb. You will be missed, even though you really ought to rethink that double B.

Sean makes stupid noises about bridging the gap. Then he tells us he's so excited to see his girlfriend. And he doesn't mean a big, black drag queen, so he's revealed as straight. He leaves a note with instructions for Wes to read it out loud to the other guys. CoughFamewhoreCough. Sean's penmanship is deplorable and/or he may be writing some of this in latin. The note says someone about Sean being "fortunate to discover" something or other at "such a young age." Young? Sweetie, the bloom is off the rose when you have to grow floppy hair to hide your bald spot.

BritSkank and James have a sit down. BritSkank is wearing an ugly hot pink blouse and looks like a second string newsanchor from Enid, Oklahoma. She holds James and tells him they have a surprise, and that he should "fasten his seatbelt because it's going to be the bumpiest ride of them all." She says this with a huge, sharklike smile on her face. Her eyes twinkle with glee. "Of all the three final mates...one of them is straight." James expression freezes. Then he smiles. It's an angry, hate filled smiled. "Wow..." he says, very sarcastically, his jaw clenched in that tight, angry smile.

Next time on Boy Meets Boy: Andra goes apeshit, the boys go for hot air balloon rides, and I go for a big old bunch of vodka drinks when I think about having to recap two more episodes of this twaddle.

Disclaimer: the show is rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. But we can't rig it anymore, so we'll probably stop running this disclaimer next week. So remember all the rigging with fondness because it's just going to get ugly from here on out.

8/27/03
Previously on Boy Meets Boy: Boys dated, Franklin talked about his investment portfolio and BritSkank gleefully told James that someone had replaced his frappucino with Folger's Crystals. There are three GBs left and one of them is STRAIGHT!!! James looks homicidal, but doesn't even take his hand away from the still gleeful BritSkank. This week, James plays detective, Andra plays the fool (except that she isn't really playing) and Wes plays with fire.

Flashback: BritSkank tells James the blah blah blah Folger's Cyrstalscakes. Ol' Skanky tries to put a pretty face on the pig by telling James that the other two mates are "100% gay" and that, to sweeten the pot, if James picks a genuine homo, he'll get $25K. She continues to hold his hand (I can't believe James doesn't smack her, let alone yank his hand away) and tells him that there are a couple of rules: James can't tell the boys what he knows about the Folger's, and he can't ask them if they're straight. James agrees, interviewing that he was so angry about all this because he "really invested [his] whole self in the process" and feels "really betrayed."

GGH. The GB 3 sit in the bunk room reading Sean's and Robb's going away letters and crying. Then they drink shots from the bottle of vodka Robb left for them as the sad tinkly piano of absent reality TV pals plays. Cry me a river, you big baby famewhores. As long as there are starving children in the world (hell, as long as Corey Feldman is in the world) there are much greater tragedies to weep over than the fact that the GB 3 will have to wait all of two days before they can call Robb (probably not Sean -- I don't even think the other straight guy will bother looking up ol' floppy hair). Jeez.

Andra hangs with the GB 3 and makes ominous comments about how she'd feel if she found out one of them was an actor. Meanwhile, back at the other ranch, James sits around looking morose and wondering how he'll tell Andra about the Crystals.

Andra walks into the GBH and she and James exchange big, girly kiss-kisses hello. James tells her he has some news, and then he'll have to leave for a one on one date. Andra looks a little wary, but she always looks a little wary, what with the utter inability she has to actually shut her mouth all the way. And also because she has no chin. It's harsh, I know, but sadly true. Jay Leno stole some of Andra's chin to augment his mighty chin hoard. She oughtta sue,

A-hem. Re: the twist. James hems and haws and puts it off for a minute. Andra dishes about the GBs and says she likes Brian, but she's worried she'll "look like a laughing stock on national TV" if she picks the wrong one. James screws up his courage.

"There's a twist," he tells her as the synthesizer of overdramatic reality TV twists "dun dun dahs" in the background. James reveals that of Franklin, Wes and Brian, one of them is straight. Do we get a reaction? Nope. Commercials.

GBH. James tells Andra the twist again (well, they replay him telling her). Then James elaborates and explains the cash motivation for the straight guys. We get 30 seconds of Andra with her mouth hanging open. James starts to tell Andra what's in it for him when she screams "This is bullshit!" and stalks out of the room crying.

James goes into the bedroom with Andra, who's still crying. James comforts her, putting an arm around her shoulders as she cries. James tells her that if he picks a real gay gay, James gets $25K and a lovely vacation. "And what do I get?" Andra screams, jumping off the bed, "To be made an asshole of on national television?" National television? Sweetie, this is Bravo, a channel so high up on the cable dial you're lucky if 12 people watch this show.

Andra blathers on about how this is all about her because she's the one "who's been shoving them down [James'] throat." Would that this were literally true, and the next forty minutes included footage of it. Alas, it's not to be.

James makes noises about how he's hanging in there because the show might teach straight folks that gays should be able to marry and hold hands...blah blah blah bridal registrycakes. They hug and make up and then discuss who could be lying. Andra thinks Wes is "100% gay unless he's the greatest actor of all time." I happen to know he played a rent boy in a San Diego theater production of Outrage: The Trials of Oscar Wilde. But that's sort of a bit part, and not really an endorsement of Wes' acting talent. Andra thinks there's something up with Brian.

GGH. James' first date is a trip to a spa. He bluescreen interviews that he chose Franklin for that date because a straight man would be all freaked out to be nekkid or in a robe around a gay man.

Spa. The boys undress. Hilariously, Bravo pixilates the tag on James' man panties. Men rub oil on James and Franklin. Franklin tells James a very boring and canned sounding story about making up girlfriends in high school and coming out of the closet. Which cost him some friends, but not any ones who counted.

Franklin and James sit in a hot tub and drink Dom Perignon, which James describes as "amazingly good." I'm sure it beats the hell out of the box white zin they serve at the exit ceremonies. James and Franklin (still in spa robes) have a fancy dinner and James asks Franklin about his dating history. Franklin says his last boyfriend was too tied into Milwaukee. Franklin had to move to Cali. Snnnooooozze.

I regain consciousness as Franklin is interviewing that James is asking all sorts of rapid fire questions and it's like "playing tennis with Pete Sampras." I'm more convinced than ever that Franklin is straight. A real gay man would love the idea of a one on one with Pete.

They ride home in the limo, looking a lot more comfy that the last time and actually allowing their knees to touch. They walk to the door of GGH and awkwardly hug goodbye. Even if Franklin is gay (huge if, but I won't rule it out), they really don't seem to have any chemistry. Franklin is a yummy mouthful, but if he's straight, that's going to be irrelevant (for James anyway. Straight chicks who watch this show may do a little sighing. Then they'll remember what Franklin did for $25K on a reality show and go right back to lusting after Colin Farrell). Commercials.

Sunrise, Cactus flowers. GGH. Brian answers the door. James give him a huge hug. James VOs that they're going for a balloon ride and they had to get up at 4:30 am. Yech. In the limo, James asks Brian to tell him a secret. Brian laughs nervously and asks James if he's reading that off a script. James VOs that he went into "detective mode" with all the guys.

Brian interviews that he wanted to date to be more personal, but that James was asking a bunch of questions.

Desert. A hot air balloon is blowing up. James and Brian get in the basket. Brian interviews a bunch of boring stuff about how balloons are prepared for flight. The balloon takes off (in tandem with a camera crew balloon) and the boys look down at the palm trees, desert and McMansions making up the greater Palm Springs area.

James and Brian talk about date palms and make lame jokes about James' not having dates being the reason James came on the show. The balloon lands. James and Brian drink champagne. Then they go to [product placed resort] for breakfast.

They sit by a pool on a sunny terrace. James interviews about how hard it is to have to find the straight guy. Brian and James eat and talk about love. Brian interviews that he thinks he and James have a connection and enjoy each other's company. He thinks "there's something there" and that he "has a chance in the end." Which makes me wonder if Brian might not be straight -- Franklin interviewed after his date that they had the magical reality connection, but also said that James is gorgeous. Brian didn't frame his feelings in terms of an attraction, and seemed to be thinking about it more as a game. Damned evil producers and their sneaky editing.

GBH. James and Andra sit poolside and dish more dirt about the boys. James tells her he kissed Brian. She's way too excited about that. Her hair is wet, and it's obvious she's been enjoying the GBH pool. God, how I love that pool. Commercials.

GGH. James interviews that he chose Wes for a romantic date to see if the "straightness would come out." I think that's pretty unlikely in Miss Wes' case. In the limo, James asks Wes if he's surprised to be there. Wes really isn't, but tries not to sound obnoxiously conceited about it. Wes interviews that he's very nervous about being the last to have a one on one date because he really wants "that last glass of champagne." I knew Wes was a jug wine connoisseur. The limo drives them out to the middle of BFE where they enjoy the view and then get back into the limo. Where they discuss the view. Snooooooooooze.

I'm roused from my weekly BMB coma to hear James asking Wes about his last boyfriend. Wes doesn't want to talk about they guy. He says he doesn't want to give the guy the airtime, and that it would just give his ex a big head. Which makes Wes seem pretty cool to me, and not one sequin less gay. James is suspicious about this, but James is pretty thick.

James and Wes take a horse drawn carriage ride and drink some Moet. Wes makes a nice toast and they chug a lug. James interviews that he'd had all these sleuthing objectives for the date, but he felt so comfortable with Wes he just forgot about them. Back at the GBH, James and Wes wander out to the pool. Wes interviews that ending up at the GBH after their last date was "magical" for him.

The pool is tricked out with hundreds of candles. Wes and James have a romantic dinner. James asks Wes to tell him something James doesn't know about Wes. Wes says that in real life, he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve. James asks Wes to tell him something 60% of people don't know about Wes. Wes starts in with, "Well, I'm gay...we haven't really discussed that. You just assumed I was gay. Why?" He says this in the queeniest possible way. He's all raised eyebrows and bitchy grins -- it's like RuPaul channeling Joan Crawford as interpreted by Faye Dunnaway in "Mommy Dearest." James interviews that he had his doubts. Then the candles flare dangerously, and commercials.

We're back poolside at the GBH as the candles explode into a ball of flame. The boys jump back from their romantic dinner as a chubby Teamster in a tank T puts out the fire with a canister extinguisher. Wes and James toast to "no fires." Wes interviews that they just "picked back up where [they] left off." He thinks this is a good sign and shows how spontaneous they can be together.

James interviews that they like each other and that they had a couple more glasses of wine. Wes interviews that he's getting the "green light to move to the next level of intimacy." They walk out holding hands, and Wes gives James a nice, unhurried, open mouthed kiss.

GGH. Wes arrives home and tells the other GBs about the candle fire and his marvelous date. Franklin wears reading glasses and looks sexay.

Franklin interviews that James has quite a selection, and that it's all coming down to taste. Which makes a lot of sense. I think any GB who let James taste him would totally win this thing. If that kind of contact weren't prohibited by the BMB contract, anyway.

Wes goes to bed all smug and satisfied while the other two GBs looks on a little enviously.

James sits by the fire at the GBH and thinks about his situation. Then he bluescreen interviews about how the thought of "waking up and having to pick someone" was weighing heavily on his soul. And he's still pissed about the straight guy.

Preview: Andra throws a hissy and James picks a sissy. Or does he? Duh dun dah! Two worlds collide on the final (thank God) episode of Boy Meets Boy.

9/2/03
Previously on Boy Meets Boy: Andra went apeshit. James went up, up and away with Brian. Wes flamed out by the pool and Franklin got a rub down and took a hot tub. And BritSkank? Seems to have vanished off the face of the earth, not that anyone's complaining.

Well, all but her VOs, anyway. She tells us of the magic fairy tale that has ben Boy Meets Boy, reminding us that what James and Andra didn't know...SHUT UP. SHUT. SHUT. SHUT. We get footage of old dates, Wes doing his best Alexis Carrington and tossing out the "You assumed I was gay" line. What's going to happen -- find out in about five seconds on the conclusion of Boy Meets Boy.

Night. GGH. Our three remaining GBs drink Sky vodka and steal the camera for some cute hijinks. Brian asks Franklin if they're "going to have sex" right now. He calls the other GBs "girls" and they shoot "good night, John boy" style footage of themselves in bed. Franklin is in his bunk, Brian and Wes are side by side in twin beds with the world's fugliest zebra print sheets.

Wes admits to having kissed James and Brian topples a silk ficus plant onto him. They laugh.

James VOs some happy horse shit about how picking the fauxmo will lend a different type of excitement.

Brian is looking forward to seeing what happens. Wes is "living for that last day." The GBs eat omelets prepared by Franklin and Wes interviews that all the GBs were focused on the final decision.

Brian says he and Franklin are jealous that Wes and James kissed. But for very different reasons. In Franklin's case, 25 thousand different reasons. I'm just saying.

James interviews that he and Andra realized some of the other guys were probably straight, so they eat their breakfast and try to weed wienies for the second time. They think Darren was a fauxmo. Well, so did most of us. Hell, maybe the boy's just in the gay closet and is denying his inner hetero. Probably not, but let's keep an open mind. Darren interviews that he doesn't know why James chose Brian over Darren (um, 'cause Brian isn't a freaky stalker type?). He says James will be hearing from him when all this is over. James is probably filing the restraining order in preparation.

Straight Paul interviews that the show was "a pretty supportive experience." Shut it, famewhore.

Next up, Jim talks about how weird it was to dance with Franklin...snoooozzzze.

When I awake from my latest BMB coma, James and Andra are talking about Michael being a fauxmo and not bisexual. James interviews that Michael seemed "very gay" to James. Michael seemed very gay to me, too, but I mean it in the politically incorrect 7th grade way. We get lame flashbacks to the whole Michael/bisexuality travesty (black and white flashbacks, so classy).

Franklin interviews that he's spending a lot of time by himself and he's super lonely. Cry me a river, famewhore. Christ. It's not liek he's stranded on an ice floe. He's in Palm Springs. He's probably spent all of five minutes alone. Whiny much, pretty boy? He's lucky he isn't sharing a meat locker with BritSkank somewhere.

Wes interviews that there's a separation between Wes and Brian and Franklin. Wes and Brian lay out by the pool together and talk about James. What'll they do if he picks one of them and it turns out there's no chemistry, etc.

Brian interviews that the jealousy is starting to build. Franklin interviews that none of them want to lose because they've all invested so much. BritSkank VOs previews of stuff we'll see for ourselves in five minutes and then commercials.

Windmills (alternative energy source variety). GGH. The boys lay around in the sun, exercising. We hear their VOs speculating about who James will pick. It's too close to call, according to all the GBs.

GBH. James and Andra sit by the world's nicest pool (the best thing about this show, the thing I'll miss most) talking about who's gay and who's playing gay for pay. Then they talk about who James hearts the most. James says his feelings for Franklin are mostly physical. James interviews that the most important thing to him is not picking the straight guy. Which is really, really sad because in any other reality dating show, there'd at least be some over arching delusion about picking the guy he likes the most.

They discuss more fauxmos. They've picked Sean as a Folger's Crystal because he was lukewarm on the one on one date. Then Sean interviews about how hard the whole lap dance thing was because Sean wasn't hard like a lap dancing gay boy should be for his TV boyfriend. So he downed his drink and thought of England.

GGH. James and Andra arrive for a final barbecue before eliminations. James tells the boys that it's weird that he's had a date with each of them in the last 24 hours. They make jokes about James calling and the mates mooning and asking which one he's calling for. James VOs that Andra's agenda is to search and destroy the fauxmo.

Andra tells the guys that she didn't know the spectrum of gay men was so large. Franklin talks out of his ass about how rough it is in West Hollywood, what with all the hardbodies telling him how pretty he is. Andra looks at him, slightly disgusted and says "You're pretty?" She's clearly got some issues with Franklin.

Andra goes off into a tirade about how some of the 15 were trying to "play the game" and were only there for the trip. She says Sean was "fucking playing [her]," and was dishonest, though she stops short of revealing the twist. Franklin clearly smells his bacon in the fire and looks very uncomfortable about this. He tells Andra that even if that's true, this was about a vacation, and wasn't a life or death decision. Andra says "that's easy for [franklin] to say." Because Franklin "is only here because [Andra] chose him to be here," depriving someone else of the spot. On this deeply uncomfortable note, we go to commercials.

GGH. They wind the tape back and we get to see the part where Andra calls Franklin on the carpet again. She's crying. She says it was really hard, choosing between Franklin and Sean and that she "loved this competition so much." Franklin looks a little ashamed. Brian and Wes don't get any of this, making the conclusion of this whole happy fun game pretty obvious.

GBH. James showers and changes and deodorizes in preparation for his big choice and interviews about how hard it was to make the decision.

GGH. The boys pack and talk about how empty the house is. Brian is packing ABD's pillow. He asks Wes if Wes has room for ABD's sheets. Um, eew. Brian interviews that he already has stalking plans for ABD. We get flashbacks of ABD in the shower and new interview stuff where ABD makes painful references to Jorge the latin dance guy rubbing his junk against ABD's much ballyhooed buttocks.

GGH. The GBs take some final Polaroids. Wes interviews that Brian is a better choice for James. Brian lives in L.A., as does James and Wes is in San Diego. Alas, Wes is the most obviously gay. He's gayer than RuPaul and the Lady Chablis as bridesmaids at Liza Minelli's next wedding. So even if Brian is a better choice, he isn't James' safest bet for not looking like an asshole on TV by picking the straight guy. Franklin says something about never wanting to hurt any of the guys. We get lame VO about the big choice. BritSkank VOs the previews of stuff we'll see after commercials and, well, commercials.

Fountain. Flowers, Poolside, GBH. Where all the fun began just six agonizing weeks ago (real elapsed time: one week).

James waits alone for the GBs to come out one at a time. No BritSkank in sight. Rumor on the internet is that after BritSkank gleefully revealed the twist, James threw a hissy and threatened to walk, nasty contract or no, unless BritSkank was removed from the show. For the sake of all that is good and holy in the world, I pray the rumors are true. And it gives her more time to bang third string pro soccer players (her hobby of choice, right after posing nude and bridge), so no doubt she's better off.

First up is Wes, looking snazzy in black, Big Boy swirly hair perfectly in place. James says he loves Wes' honesty and hopes that when this is all over, Wes will have a place in his heart for James. Then the producers freeze frame, and switch to Franklin coming out to see James (wearing what looks like an identical shirt to Wes' shirt).

James tells Franklin they had a great conversation, but there's more to this than just the game. The the screen goes to black and white, freezes and we see Brian emerge. They're really drawing this out, and it's pretty annoying. Brian is wearing a blue shirt and looks really handsome. He has the nicest smile.

James tells Brian that he wants to make sure "there isn't any hurt" for Brian, and that the only way he can do that is by not choosing him. Brian nods. He looks sad, but smiles. They hug and romantic music tinkles in the background as we get a reflective montage of Brian's magic time on the show. Brian interviews that he learned that it's okay to be himself. He's revealed as gay. Well, duh.

James and Brian kiss goodbye unromantically. BritSkank VOs more previews of stuff from the next five minutes. Christ. The eliminations are taking half the show. Have I told you lately that this show sucks? It'll be over soon, easing my troubles, that's what it'll do. Commercials. For the billionth time in the last ten minutes.

Rocks. GBH. Blowing Wheat. James and Wes. James tells Wes they've had some great moments and they'll have some tough ones. James blathers on about teaching the world that gay lovin' in sweet and pure, blah blah blahVermontcakes.

Back to Franklin. James tells Franklin that the producers "dropped the bombshell of the twist," and that he had to assume Franklin was the straight guy and for that reason, he didn't pick Franklin. Franklin admits this is true. And says he's relieved, that he's been worried all day. He gives a lame interview about doing the show so people would know that not all classical music loving guys are queer. Franklin is a pompous ass. Yes, he's a nummy mouthful, and we all pretty much want to make mad monkey love with him, but he's a jerk, a famewhore and a loser. He goes on and on. Sexuality is like eye color. He won't forget all the life lessons. I puke, and Franklin is talking to James, trying to peddle this special line of bullshit.

James is having none of it. He cuts Franklin zero slack. James gives Franklin a look that perfectly blends sadness, disgust and boredom and sends him on his merry way.

Flash. James and Wes. James tells Wes that Wes made him feel comfortable and safe and protected him from fire. Seriously, I'm not making this up. James picks Wes. He offers him the final glass of champale. They hug.

Wes says that James is fantastic and crazy and exciting. We flash back to their first meeting. They were both cute and smiley. Wes can't put his happiness into words.

James interviews that he chose Wes because Wes got him to mount Bald Knob, that he was really comfortable with Wes. Wes interviews that James is a prankster. We get flashback footage of pool frolics and their big kiss.

Wes is revealed (the word actually appears on the screen) as gay. Again, I say duh.

James and Wes have a nice, long kiss (zero tongue).

More lame interviews from straight guys about the great social project they've just helped with. Cough.FameWhoresCough. Blah blah blahshatteringstereotypes. This crap just doesn't stop. All the fauxmos try to justify their whorishness. I'm not buying. James obviously didn't buy any of this crap either. Oh, and we're all the same. We're free to be you and me.

Back at the ranch, Wes looks up at James adoringly and says "Let's go."

"Where?" James asks.

"I don't know," Wes says. James says okay and the head on into the house.

And it's over. I'm free. Yay!!!