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At long last, the series that was on the air three weeks more than it really should have been comes to an end. In two hours, the sexiest man and woman as ABC saw will be crowned. At stake... Well, there's something at stake; I, like most Americans, just don't really have it in me to remember. But I'm sure JD will tell us how it'll all go down.

But first, JD reveals that because of current events (because there were more pressing issues than how high will Lorenzo Lamas' libido rise), America didn't get to choose, so the semi-finalists will be chosen based on their scores as given by the judges. Doing the math, that means that Crystal Mattison and Rachel Reza move on.

But tonight, it's all about "la package total," an opportunity to do or say whatever they wish in order to prove that they are the sexiest. In case you missed it, here are tonight's semifinalists.

SEMIFINALS

Crystal Mattison (HZ4: 88.1)
Rachel Reza (HZ4: 86.3)
Lisa Piepergerdes (HZ1: 84.5)
Cari Jedlecki (HZ1: 84)
Chantille Boudousque (HZ2: 84)
Renee Russell (HZ3: 82.9)
Valerie White (HZ2: 82.5)
Amber Lancaster (HZ3: 80.6)

Those scores... Gone. That said, it's time for a the one-on-one critiques. If you're thinking A-level appropriate material as seen in a Modern Woodmen of America Oratory contest, think again. Our semifinalists will make a declaration of HOTNESS. This time, our judges will score on secret ballots, the result of which will be revealed at the end of the round.

Lisa's first. She prides herself on being sweet and having a great personality. Randolph calls Lisa the all-American girl... despite her hair. Rachel agrees. Lorenzo checks out the assets and proclaims her hotness.

Next up is fast woman Rachel. She believes that sex appeal is mind over matter. Rachel H. calls Rachel R. trashy. Randolph says her clothes make her look cheap. "There is an innocence about you that you should never ever lose." Lorenzo doesn't mind fast cars at all. Slowly moving towards relevance, Lorenzo checks out HER assets (pointing out a bit of extra... stuff, as Lorenzo calls it) and says, "You are making my falcon crest." (**maniacally laughing**) That's so 1983, my friend.

Cari calls herself flashy. And that's about it. Randolph points out her cancer symbol tattoo right below her belly button. Now he's checking out the assets and... Approved. Rachel isn't really THAT much impressed. Lorenzo says that she has a face that could be seen on the cover of a magazine.

Next up is Amber. She thinks that she's a very outgoing girl, and that whoever wins this competition will be looked upon as a sex symbol (duh!). Randolph tells her to rethink her hair and makeup. Rachel concurs about the entire look. Lorenzo does the Paula Abdul thing. "Don't pay attention to them, okay? Do you like Mexican food? Because I've got a compilation plate for you, honey." (**stares blankly**) I don't get it.

On deck is number five, Chantille (one of my favorites from the last round). Chantille feels blessed by the way that she looks and that she has her own sense of style. Randolph says that looks great about her. Rachel says that she doesn't push it too far. Lorenzo thinks her energy is hot enough to make him forget about the first round critique.

Renee is #6. She thinks that it's a personality that makes people hot, but quickly refutes that by saying, "I've got these legs working for me!" Rachel makes all-American remark #2. Randolph says she has great chances. Lorenzo couldn't understand why husbands leave their wives for nannies in what has to be one of the worst chat-up lines of this series so far.

Lucky number seven is family-oriented Valerie. "Hot is having IT. IT is being sex appeal without trying. Sexy is being classy. And classy is what I am." Okay, she's starting to sound like Yoda here. Not too convincing. Hey, look at that, Randolph agrees with me, checking out the assets. Rachel says that her mouth is great closed and when opened, it's a little bit bucked. Funny, I was going for incoherent. Lorenzo likes her overbite, but is put off by her thick ankles.

And finally, we have Crystal, the leader of the board. She said her sexiness, class, and confidence speak for themselves. Rachel notices her curves. Randolph says she has a star face. Lorenzo loves her body and ... yep, the luggage check. "That's what I'm talkin' 'bout."

Okay, no filler, as we face the hot-not sign one more time to reveal the finalists.

Renee: NOT.

Rachel: NOT.

Crystal: HOT (finalist).

Chantille: HOT (finalist).

Amber: NOT.

Lisa: HOT (finalist).

Valerie: NOT.

Cari: HOT (finalist).

Once again, to reiterate, because of current events (that and their ratings were in the toilet!), America didn't put Crystal, the lone finalist from HZ4, through. At long last, JD reveals that the title of America's Newest Sex Symbols has a few perks: $100,000 to split, a trip for two to Tahiti, and boatloads of exposure.

Cue filler reel of auditions, the initial encounter with the hot-not sign, the Hot Zone rounds and the semifinals, all on "the road to hotness."

Then, the moment that a scant four percent of American households were waiting for...

The FINAL FOUR (which, ironically, is on another network right now): Crystal Mattison, Chantille Boudousque, Lisa Piepergedes, and Cari Jedlecki.

Sure, it would be easy to just pluck the winner from the crowd, but we have an hour of reality TV to fill, so we're going in reverse draw order.

Crystal, Chantille, Lisa, and Cari are summoned to the stage for a little heart-to-heart with JD, which reveals... absolutely nothing game-wise.

It's elimination time. All three judges think that Cari is getting the boot. And the result of the secret vote... is Lisa.

Next on the docket are Crystal, Chantille and Cari. Will Cari be shown the door this time? Yep.

One more elimination, and one more chance to shrug off whatever it is that's making these ladies so nervous. Will it be Chantille? Or maybe Crystal? Not making this look easy, we see the dual hot-not sign (or, as I call it, the hot-not-hot-not sign). Crystal is on the left; Chantille, the right. Hit it, JD. "The sexiest woman in America is..."

CHANTILLE! First words out of her mouth: "You love me!" She is joined by Mr. ABC, David Maxwell. And here comes the confetti as the judges present incredibly cheap-looking medals to the two winners.

So that's the show. Hopefully we learned that real sexiness comes from the inside. At least we better learn that, or else it's another season of... this.