THE RECAPS

EPISODE 1
It's time once again for a race around the world! There are 12 teams, with one million dollars to be won for the first team across the finish line. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is The Amazing Race - series four! Let's the games begin!

As the stretch hummers arrive, let's introduce the teams. Some of them have some opening thoughts, so I've included them as well:

1. Tian/Jaree: Friends/models/thrill seekers from Miami Beach, FL. "Easier for us to catch a ride/get info"

2. Steve/Dave: Air traffic controllers from Chicago. "Gonna do our darndest to do AR without breaking a sweat."

3. Chip/Reichen: Married from Beverly Hills: "Not going to be made to feel inadequate because we're a gay married couple"

4. Millie/Chuck: Dating 12 years, virgins from Chatanooga, TN: "Scared of commitment".

5. Steve/Josh: Corrections officer and son from Santa Barbara and L.A.: "Trying to find common ground".

6. Russell/Cindy: Close friends from Hermosa Beach and L.A.: Cindy wants to take relationship to the next level.

7. Monica/Sheree: NFL wives and mothers from Atlanta: "hope the husbands will cheer for us".

8. David/Jeff: Bachelors from L.A.: "extremely confident that we'll finish first"

9. Amanda/Chris: Dating 5 years from Sioux Falls SD: "other teams will underestimate us"

10. Kelly/Jon: recently engaged, from Miami: "relationship will be tested"

11. Debra/Steve: married parents from Indiana: "fat, forty, but fun!"

12. Jon/Al: circus clowns (!!) from Long Island, NY: "two fun guys going to have a good time!"

Who will put it all together to win the Amazing Race? (I'm secretly pulling for the clowns).

There are 13 legs in the race, various tasks, cash for expenses (save for plane tickets), pit stops are at 9 of 13 legs: so get there fast! Last at each pit stop is eliminated. Unless of course someone does something stupid like take a taxi when there's specific instructions to walk... right Harvard law students??

Phil: Everybody ready? The world is waiting for you. Good luck. Travel safe.

GO!

And they're off to center field of their start point - Dodger Stadium - to find out that they're going to Milan, Italy!

There are three flights, which they must choose from:

Swiss air - 4 teams
Lufthansa - 3 teams
KLM - 5 teams

But first it's a race to the SUVs, and you have to navigate out of Dodger Stadium. At this point, Tian/Jaree are already behind - they've dropped a bag!

(roll titles)

Russell/Cindy are excited because they already know the pit stop location. David/Jeff can't find their way out, and Tian/Jaree still aren't going anywhere, as their trunk won't close. One of the sits in the back and tries to hold it down, but to no avail. They are issued a replacement car - but no time allowance is made.

Back on the road, Amanda is cussing, and Steve is ratting out Josh. Millie then tells Chuck to focus! And the battle continues. Steve/Dave plot the best way to the airport, as do Monica/Sheree - but there's a cop on everyone's tails! No tickets though. Russell/Cindy then decide to make a left turn where they shouldn't (no mention of a penalty?) But they're first in the parking. Tian/Jaree are still lagging behind, now they're lost!

Russell/Cindy are first on Lufthansa. Chip/Reichen and Jon/Kelly meet in the shuttle bus, but when they stop to pick up Monica/Sheree, they convince the driver to keep going!

Jon/Al are first on Swiss Air. Millie/Chuck and Amanda/Chris grab the rest of the Lufthansa seats. This then means Chip/Reichen's efforts are in vain. Kelly/Jon then secure SwissAir, as well as Steve/Josh, who manage to also grab tickets for Steve/Dave, which does not bode well for Monica/Sheree, because they were the next in line!

Due to their poor navigational skills (more than anything else), this ensures that Debra/Steve, David/Jeff, Tian/Jaree (who are already locking horns), Monica/Sheree and Chip/Reichen are all on the KLM which is a full hour behind the first flight.

And phew, time for a commercial! But kudos to CBS: 20 straight minutes without an ad break!

As previously mentioned, Milan is the first destination. When they get there, they have to get to the Galeria Victoria Emmanuel. At the airport, problems delay the Swiss Air flight, so that the previous 45-minute lead is down to ten. The first six teams get off their planes relatively close to each other. But what about Steve/Dave? Well, remember, they don't like to exert energy: thus they're using the moving walkway... not a way to win a race, guys!

Steve/Josh are excited to be in Italy, as they've never been out of the country before. Meanwhile, Steve/Dave are haggling taxi prices. C'mon guys, lets get going!!

Kelly/Jon are first to the route info. Their task is to search in the galleria for bus tickets, which leave at two, four and six am (four teams per bus). The time information is located on the side of the box, but once they pull out a ticket, they must keep it and can't trade in for another.

Kelly/Jon and Russell/Cindy are the first two on the 4am bus. Amanda/Chris then find the 4am ticket but decide to go searching for the others. Al/Jon, everyone's favourite clowns, are more than happy to get seats on the second bus. Millie/Chuck are first for the 2am bus, and then pass this info onto Amanda/Chris.

At 3.20 pm, the last plane arrives. Getting off, Debra falls, but picks herself up. Chip/Reichen and David/Jeff then decide to take the commuter train into the city, which doesn't really help their cause (taxis may cost $, but at least it's the quickest way).

Steve/Josh and Steve/Dave are the last to get to the 2am bus. Debra/Steve find the first passes for the 6am charter. Josh helps Monica/Sheree get the last 4am tickets. Now they feel that everyone's even. Josh: "It won't hurt us, and I don't want to see (Tian/Jaree) get it". Dave/Jeff, Chip/Reichen and Tian/Jaree then get the last of the 6am bus seats. Which is just more a default situation than anything.

While waiting for the bus, many teams spend time at the nearest hotel. Everyone gets in - except Debra/Steve, who initially pass up a room, and then come back to find out that there's none to be had. Chip/Reichen then offer to share, which they graciously accept. Debra is curious though, if "the boys want to sleep together".

Everyone gets on their respective buses - and find themselves smack dab in the middle of the Italian Alps, in a town called Cortina d'Ampezzo (a former Olympic site, at that). And it's a short stay, as they're off to Cinque Torri, a ski hill outside of town. They have to take a chairlift when they get there, which leads them to their detour! It's called Search or Rescue.

SEARCH: use a locator beacon to find a set of snowmobile keys, then drive the snowmobile to the next location to find the clue.

RESCUE: cross alpine rescue bridge (consisting of only 4 steel cables), then ride a zip line across a ravine.

As one of the best parts of AR is the new things to discover, everyone on the 2am bus takes Rescue. And all four complete in short time. Speaking of new things...

Off topic: Me? I anxiously await my turn on AR in hopes of an underwater treasure hunt, to put my scuba certification to the test (just got it this past weekend)... of course they would have to let Canadians apply...

Back on track, then. When they get to their next clue, teams find out they have to get back to town, and find the Hotel Lajadira. Of course this involves a grueling hike back to the chairlift for those who pick Rescue, but this IS the Amazing Race, after all!

And it's not an easy go, as Millie/Chuck are finding out. Steve/Dave are taking their time... but here comes bus #2! Monica/Sheree are last to get a taxi, and due to this, they decide to go for the Fast Forward. Back at the hill, Chris yells at Amanda to catch up. But he doesn't shout just anything, he cries:

"C'MON, FLO!"

I like this guy! I also wonder how Zach's doing. In any case, she's shooting her mouth off again. Good to see this is a family show. They are then passed by Millie/Chuck.

Over in fast forward world, it takes them awhile, but Monica/Sheree get the Fast Forward. Which, doesn't 100% make sense, as usually it allows you to skip a road block, but not in this case. Bad luck.

Millie/Chuck are first down to the bottom of the hill, but they wait for Steve/Josh and Amanda/Chris. Disaster strikes Steve/Dave. Dave throws out his knee, and wonders if he should call for the real search and rescue. But after some thinking time, they decide to limp along and give it the old college try.

Steve/Josh, Millie/Chuck and Amanda/Chris are all first to arrive at the pit stop, and due to that, they all win trips to Hawaii after the race is done! The producer must have had a fit, though! But you've got to expect that, right?

Flipping back to the mountain, Steve/Dave troupe on. Dave is not a quitter, and that's what this race is all about! Finally bus two's riders get to the hill. First Kelly/Jon do rescue, then Jon/Al; who, being circus clowns, have no problems. We find out that Monica/Sheree's fast forward lands them in fourth.

Kelly/Jon due run into a bit of a problem on the zip line, but Kelly compares the ride to marriage and gets through it! Steve/Dave's persistence pays off: they're fifth at the mat. Russell/Cindy complete Rescue next, and they're having a great time!

Light years after the first bus has arrived, bus three pulls into town. And while trying to call a taxi, Tian/Jaree are offered to sit down and have a coffee - which one of the ACCEPTS??? What???? Hmm... coffee, million dollars, coffee, million dollars...

Kelly/Jon clock in as team six. Jon/Al, clown noses and all, are lucky seven. Russell/Cindy are the last of the first two buses, are eighth. Now it's just down to bus number three. Both of Debra/Steve fall on the way to Rescue. Before you know it, Dave/Jeff are finished and on their way back to the chairlift.

Debra/Steve are having problems - specifically Debra. She's not a big fan of heights. Tian/Jaree decide to help matters, by helping Debra complete those last few paces. Then they pass ïem. Every good turn deserves another, right girls?

At this point, Dave/Jeff should be on their way back to Cortina. But they're not. They've wandered into Search, and after realizing what they've done (and their failure to gain access to a snowmobile), they backtrack.

Tian/Jaree are past the second half of rescue. Dave/Jeff have broken into a light job. Dave/Steve complete rescue. Chip/Reichen finish ninth. Jaree feels she's doing too much cardio for one day - and Tian then pulls Jaree like a horse! Methinks they could be named "Flo and Flo"...

Down at the bottom of the hill, Tian/Jaree get a cab, then Dave/Jeff do, and finally Debra/Steve.

Dave/Jeff are tenth. And who will be eleventh - and the last team to stay? It's Tian/Jaree (sigh.) That means that Debra/Steve are heading home. But they've had a good time. Debra feels that she's done things that she wouldn't have ordinarily done. Unfortunate to be knocked out on the first leg, but good to see that they've enjoyed themselves.

NEXT WEEK: The thrills of snow rafting, but Kelly/Jon leave something behind... Venice gondola races...and a road block that may unmask some teams.

EPISODE 2
Last time... teams raced from Dodger Stadium to Italy. Debra and Steve got behind early and were eliminated.

We've got 11 teams left. By the way, why can't we get a soundtrack for AR? They did it for "Mole"...

(Roll titles)

Teams start this leg in Cortina d'Ampezzo. They have a mandatory twelve-hour rest period to sleep, eat, mingle with other teams - and unless you've brought disposable underwear like Teri/Ian from series three - wash your clothes (presumably).

Amanda/Chris, Steve/Josh and Millie/Chuck are first to depart at eight minutes before midnight. The first task: head to Trampolino Olimpico (an Olympic ski jump site) to go snow rafting. Woo! Fun!

Josh says he really needs his father's support at this point if he they want to go far. The three lead teams jog the one mile required to get to snow rafting central. Millie comments off to the side that being in a relationship and staying a virgin for twelve years is tough.

Chuck/Millie are first up... and first down. This is basically extreme tobogganing, but who cares? It's good TV. The next route marker is at the Ponte Della Guglia Bridge in Venice. Teams have to take off on the train from either of the Calalzo or Alpi village train stations. Calalzo = shorter, longer wait. Alpi = further, earlier train. Teams don't know that right now, at least.

Amanda/Chris (heavily bleeped) and Steve/Josh are next down. All three teams then head to a hotel and go onto Calalzo train station.

And they're in for a wait.

Monica/Sheree are fourth to take off at 12.49 am. The fast forwarding femme fatales (ooh! Alliteration!) call a taxi and get on their way.

Steve/Dave, ye of the injuries, take off at 1.05, while Kelly/Jon are released at 1.16.

Monica/Sheree and Steve/Dave have no problems. In fact, they're just going to steal the next person's cab. Of course, there's a slight issue with that idea. Seems that Kelly/Jon's taxi has taken them to the TOP of the hill instead of the BOTTOM. Seeing as the rafts are located at the bottom... it's time for butt sledding! Jon takes a flying leap and makes it down, and so does Kelly. Eventually they complete the challenge - in the raft!

Jon/Al (go clowns!) leave at 1.22; Russell/Cindy at 1.44. Kelly/Jon's butts are sore, but to save some bucks they take a bus to the train station. Chip/Reichen escape at 2.29. They wanted to run an honourable race, but nobody else does, so why should they? That's a great moral, kids, isn't it??

Dave/Jeff leave at 3.08, and feel luck to still be in it - of course they should have no worries of being eliminated, because somehow Russell/Cindy have gotten themselves lost and are back at the hotel!

And suddenly all the teams are all caught up at the train station. Josh wants the "pretty boys" (Chip/Reichen) eliminated. But at this time, one of the most brilliant nicknames are given:

Steve/Josh are now nicknamed "Weezer/Geezer" by another team. Brilliant!

That being said, there's a big brouhaha when everyone is trying to get a spot in some kind of line at Calalzo. Nobody wants to be at the end.

Tian/Jaree are last to leave at 3.43. Russell/Cindy finally find the hill and get the job done.

Chip/Reichen reveal at Calalzo that Monica/Sheree are both good moles (bah! I voted for Millie/Chuck and was executed!) and found out that everyone is trying to eliminate them, especially Weezer/Geezer. Chip/Reichen also have a confrontation with Dave/Steve as to the establishment of a line. This leads Chip/Reichen to hold onto the door handles like they're five years old.

Suddenly, a bus pulls into the train station. It's going to Alpi (maybe for Alpo? I dunno.) Everyone gets on - remember, the train at Alpi leaves first. There's a shot of teams discussing Venice and they've got a Lonely Planet guidebook! If you don't know what these books are, they're pretty much a traveling bible. I had one in France two years ago and they're brilliant. So if you're going somewhere, make sure you pick up one for your destination.

Here endeth the free plug.

Kelly/Jon and Tian/Jaree are far behind and don't really understand that everyone is on the earlier Alpi train. When they do, Tian/Jaree aren't really happy. We cut back to the Alpi train and realize Russell/Cindy are airing their dirty laundry.

At Venice, all the Alpi team members arrive at the route marker at the same time. It's time for a detour: waterway or pathway.

WATERWAY: guide a gondolier through the city's river system with a map. No help from locals allowed.

PATHWAY: walk/run/jog through the city streets, with as much help from locals as you want.

Everyone goes for the Waterway, save for Chuck/Millie who don't get a boat on the first go around, so they hoof it.

All teams seem to be enjoying themselves, especially when Steve/Dave pass everyone else! Millie/Chuck keep asking locals for directions. Amanda/Chris have a difference of opinion; Chris wants to win, Amanda likes the scenery.

Each gondola gets stuck, which enables Amanda/Chris to go from worse to first. Millie/Chuck find a local who will get them where they want to go. So they're now in the lead.

Their next challenge awaits them at the Palazzo da Mosto. And they get to go to a party.

Steve/Dave yell at the double-parked boat to get out of the way! Amanda/Chris are first off the gondola; the Clowns are next. Then Monica/Sheree, Chip/Reichen, Russell/Cindy, David/Jeff, Steve/Dave, and somewhere in there, Weezer/Geezer.

Poor Kelly and Jon. They have to put up with Tian/Jaree fighting the whole time. But both teams finally get to the bridge. The girls take the gondola while Kelly/Jon take a hike.

But they should have boated. Jon can't read a compass to save his life. They're fighting - again! And they still are when we're back from commercial.

And guess what? The teams are clumped again waiting for the party. But while there's a bit of time to sightsee and jockey for position in the line, Steve/Dave go for the Fast Forward. Their task: take part in an Italian form of theatre called "Commedia Dell'Arte" on the Venice city streets. They really enjoy it - the performers pretend to operate on Steve, pulling out his intestines, his heart (Dave: "didn't know he had one"), his brain (Dave: "he never uses it"), and at the end is the fast forward. It's straight to the Citta Di Padova boat docked in the harbour. And not surprisingly, they're first at the pit stop.

It's time for the roadblock. One team member must take a picture of a mask, enter the party where everyone is masked, and find the exact match. Right = get the clue, Wrong = back of the queue. And only four teams at once can get in, so it's crucial you get it right.

Russell, Monica, Chip and Weezer are the first four in. It's quite a fascinating sight, actually. Looking closely, there seems to be two to three similar choices for each picture, making it just that bit tougher.

Weezer is the first to try a picture: but his first instinct is wrong - his photo is rejected. Back of the line, buddy!

Jeff is the next into the shindig, but Chip is the first out successfully. They're off to the boat. Tian then enters, and we see that Russell's patience has paid off, he's got it!

And then Tian is done very quickly. Apparently it wasn't too much cardio!

Jon is seventh, Chris is eighth. Jeff takes a chance, and it pays off - he's good to go! Sheree is outside stewing because she can't believe Monica's still in there! Jon's lucky, he's done. Millie is the ninth member of our little get together.

Chris rushes his decision - bad move, it's rejected. Al is last in. Weezer gets his second go. And he gets it right this time. Chris heads back in, and Monica and Millie are getting increasingly frustrated.

And now we cut to the boat. Chip/Reichen are second, Kelly/Jon are third.

Back at what the French call "le boum", four players are still looking for their dance card to be punched. But Chris is rejected... AGAIN! But he's back in immediately.

Tian/Jaree are fourth. Dave/Jeff are fifth. Monica's still looking, but Al's free. Millie's detective skills work, she's out.

The clowns pick up major time; they're sixth. Russell/Cindy are lucky seven. Millie/Chuck are eighth. Weezer/Geezer are ninth.

It's all up to Monica and Chris. After looking for something like three days, Monica hazards a guess - and she's right!

Chris FINALLY lucks out, but is it too late? It's a race against each other, time, and the elements.

While both remaining teams see the route marker, Monica/Sheree claim the last spot. Unfortunately, that means by a few minutes, Amanda/Chris are eliminated. They can't believe it's over. Amanda still loves Chris though.

NEXT TIME: an asthma attach holds Millie back, but if Chip gets in her way, the whip she'll crack. And BUNGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

EPISODE 3
Last time: Chris' weaknesses were unmasked, thus eliminated him and Amanda.

(Run titles and cool theme music. I want a soundtrack.)

We're starting tonight in Venice. Steve/Dave are first out at 2.45 am. They first have to travel 300 miles to Vienna, Austria, where they will take a wonderful tour of that city's historic sewer system. Hey - nothing but the best for our racers! Steve/Dave say that they have to travel at a brisk pace (due to Dave's injury from the first leg). They get a tip from a local to go to the Padua station instead of waiting around. This would be a bad move, then. Nine times out of ten, if you go to a smaller station, you won't be able to get the train you're looking for!

Chip/Reichen are next at 5.20 - over 2.5 hours behind. They say that others don't want them to win. Well, duh. And then the next teams are released (play close attention, kids):

5.21 Kelly/Jon
5.22 Tian/Jaree
5.23 David/Jeff
5.24 Jon/Al (go clowns!)
5.25 Russell/Cindy
5.26 Millie/Chuck
5.27 Weezer/Geezer

And, in last place, are Monica/Sheree. They depart at 5.31, a full FOUR MINUTES behind the ninth place team. Can they make it up?? Only time will tell... BWAH HA HA!!!

Sorry about that.

Kelly/Jon are the first to the trains. Then Tian/Jaree, Chip/Reichen, David/Jeff. Tian/Jaree discover that there's no train direct to Vienna for 10 hours. Time to find another way - which there is. Verona-Innsbruck-Vienna.

Everyone else then arrives. Monica/Sheree hook up with Chip/Reichen. "We're two black females, they're two gay males".

Suddenly, Millie has an asthma attack. We cut back to our trainspotters - and they've got to hurry if they want to catch their train. Which they do. Meanwhile, Millie proclaims that she's thrilled to see a clown. Jon/Al have stayed to help. She starts sucking the inhaler.

And whoo boy, Tian/Jaree (Flo/Flo?) are going at it and they won't even sit together. Too much cardio, apparently. Back at the station, Chuck is happy that Jon and Al are so helpful.

Steve/Dave arrive in Padua to find out... whoops! There's no train to Vienna!

So to recap: Monica/Sheree, Tian/Jaree, Kelly/Jon, David/Jeff and Reichen/Chip are on the first train. Millie/Chuck, the clowns, Weezer/Geezer and Russell/Cindy are on train number two. Steve/Dave, the Padua princes, are two hours behind the first train on their own special "train number three".

But none of that matters... as all teams get to play the exciting new game show "Hurry up and wait!" Yes, you remember that lead you built up? It's no more!

The next morning, everyone gets to be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Someone yells (Kelly, I think) "Is this potty water"?

Umm, yeah...

Kelly/Jon are the first to the route marker. Their next task: take a fiacre ride (it's a horse drawn carriage) by grabbing the pass on its door and guide its driver to Schonbrumm Palace. The fiacres depart in groups of three to four every half hour.

Hmm... Chip/Reichen don't seem to be going anywhere - because they haven't grabbed their pass! The clowns grab it, and Chip/Reichen are outta there! BWAH HA HA!

Yes, I like my evil laugh. So there!

Tian/Jaree pull the same stunt on Kelly/Jon - and Kelly isn't happy, she slugs Jon. Jon declares that Tian/Jaree will self-destruct anyway.

As they wait for the next set of fiacres, teams plot strategy. Once they see the fiacres, they can run. David/Jeff make a deal with Chip/Reichen to block for each other.

Of course that plan goes to pot when the fiacres come around the corner - then it's every racer for themselves. Stupidly, most leave their backpacks on... and oh, wait a minute, we've got a collision between Chip and Millie! And David/Jeff don't get a pass - and they're peeved! Chip/Reichen broke their word. Surprise, surprise.

Chip and Millie have some words. Millie says she wouldn't have attacked him if he hadn't elbowed here. Or something to that effect. However, Millie cut his mouth!

Tian/Jaree are the first off the fiacre and onto the grounds of the palace to grab...

DETOUR: Mozart or Beethoven.

MOZART: carry a string bass (!) to Figarohaus, 6 minutes away. Shorter of the two options, but awkward.

BEETHOVER: carry sheet music 11 miles to a specific Beethoven house. Specific, you say? That's because he's occupied at least five of them in Vienna.

Tian/Jaree, Monica/Sheree and the clowns go for Mozart. Nice background music.

The two lead female teams team up. Next to the Palace are Chip/Reichen, Millie/Chuck and Kelly/Jon. The first two go Mozart, while Kelly/Jon take the sheet music. (Jon: "like she was going to carry the double bass anyway!"). And they're having a tiff.

Russell/Cindy and David/Jeff team up as they hope to hit first bass! HA! My wit knows no boundaries, eh Gordon? (Gordongram - and just what do you bass your humor on? I personally find your humor a little off-bass. Yuk Yuk Yuk...)

Jon's figured out something: "Kelly, what about this - what if there's a few places where he wrote music?". Of course, Kelly's not going listen to that...

Weezer/Geezer decide to fast forward. They must find the ballroom in the palace, then put formal wear on, and then carry a tray of champagne filled glasses through the waltzing couples. Both must complete the task.

On the subway, Jon asks for help - and when someone says "Which Beethoven memorial?", Kelly gets the hint.

Steve/Dave are in last place - and guess what? More walking for them upcoming.

Back at the palace, Weezer is the first to give the champagne a good. Then Geezer does, and they both fail instantly. Geezer looks like he's playing human Frogger. He's good, though. Weezer follows his old man's advice, takes it slow, and clinches. So they're off to the Seeschloss Orth in GMUNDEN, Austria. Remember that.

Kelly/Jon find a local that takes them to a tourist office, which helps.

Tian/Jaree and Monica/Sheree are first to visit Mozart. Which means that they're also the first to try and find the Donauturm. Millie/Chuck, then the clowns, then Reichen/Chip arrive next.

We're back to Kelly/Jon, and ... they're lost. But after that ads, they find a "cute little old lady", and they find the house.

T/J and M/S are the firs to make it to the roadblock. And frankly, it's easy, and only lasts about ten seconds. What is it?

BUNGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... 460 feet - the highest tower jump in Europe. I should point out that this is more than double the height of most bungee jumps.

So maybe it's not that simple. The teams make their choices, and the two of them go up. Reichen/Chip (Reichen), the clowns (Jon) and Millie/Chuck (Millie) are next in the queue.

Tian's first to jump, and she loves it. Sheree is a bit hesitant, but she goes. And I'm peeing my pants just at the sight of it. Both teams are now off in search of a train. Weezer/Geezer are already on the train, for that matter.

Reichen's next, no problem. Then Jon (the human cannonball!). Millie's getting another asthma attack - but she doesn't have her puffer. But she does it - good for her!

Kelly/Jon (Jon), Russell/Cindy (Russell), David/Jeff (David) and Steve/Dave (Steve) are the next to arrive.

Jon asks if he can go backwards. He tells them he's gone before, so they him. But really he's a first timer. Kelly's freaking out. Then it's David and Russell.

Russell/Cindy say in a taxi that they argue with the others. Steve declares that they've gone from first to worst and they're toast. But in the race, it's not over until Phil tells you it is!

So Steve jumps anyway! (Dave: "Greenpeace showed up and said Ôwill you please stop throwing whales from the tower'!")

Weezer/Geezer are first to Gmundon. Steve/Dave got advice from a local that they should head to Vienna North, when really they need to get to Vienna West. Russell/Cindy find themselves at Vienna East. Remember I said you needed to get to GmundEN? The ticket agent has sold them tickets to Gmund...

The next pack of teams arrive in Gmunden, while Steve/Dave head to Vienna West. Monica/Sheree are team two.

Russell/Cindy stop in at a travel agent to find a map for Gmunden, and then realize with the guy's help that they had tickets fro the wrong place. They're back over to Vienna West.

Reichen/Chip: third. Tian/Jaree: fourth.

Russell/Cindy and Steve/Dave finally get a train.

Millie/Chuck: fifth. Steve/Dave don't feel confident.

The clowns: sixth. David/Jeff: seventh. Kelly/Jon: eighth.

And who is ninth? It's... Steve/Dave. They find this out after Phil pulls a Chris Tarrant and hangs them for a bit. And they're thrilled.

Russell/Cindy get the bad news. But they've had an amazing time!

NEXT TIME: Chuck has a panic attack at the racetrack. And tempers flare in Marseille, FRANCE! Yay, hopefully I'll get to see some places where I visited! I'm super excited!

EPISODE 4


Last time: Russell and Cindy didn't know their Gmund from their Gmunden, and were eliminated.

(Roll titles)

Weezer/Geezer are first out of the gate at 2.57 am. They have to fly to Paris, and then take a train (!) to Le Mans and head to the famous racetrack.

Even before they get in a fight as to whether or not they should take the train or drive straight through. They go to the train station (Weezer's idea), but wonder if it was the right thing to do.

Monica/Sheree (nicknamed "The Supremes" by another team, so for the purpose of this and future reviews, I'll use that name) are only an hour behind at 3.51 am. They're going straight to Salzburg airport. Reichen/Chip follow them by two minutes and take the same path as the Supremes. So do Tian/Jaree, who are fighting over a used map of somewhere.

Meanwhile, at the train depot, Weezer/Geezer are fighting. They're both equally stubborn, in my opinion.

At the airport, the three lead teams catch up to each other. Save for Weezer/Geezer, who are on a "ghost train". Weezer apologizes to his father as he realized he made a bad decision.

Millie/Chuck are gone at 4.43 am and the clowns are gone a few minutes later, and they decided to team up, having ordered cabs the night before. They're going to take a train to Munich.

David/Jeff leave at 4.57 and are also on their way to Munich. Kelly/Jon leave at five bells.

Back at the airport, where Tian/Jaree and the Supremes have both secured flights to Paris through Frankfurt, Chip/Reichen are a little too late, and can't get on, as it's now full.

Kelly/Jon meet Millie/Chuck at the train station. Kelly asks if they're going to Salzburg or Munich, to which they get no reply. Millie says withholding info is ethical. Kelly doesn't really like her. They all get on the same train (plus the clowns and Dave/Jeff), but Kelly/Jon don't really know where to go.

Weezer/Geezer arrive at Salzburg airport to find out there's nothing left. Chip/Reichen then get the lucky break they were looking for. They're off to Frankfurt, at least.

Steve/Dave are the last to go at 6.04 am. They've got some work to do. Train to Salzburg for them.

Speaking of which, the train carrying four teams have arrived in Salzburg. Three teams stay on, but Kelly/Jon get off. Weezer/Geezer's lead is now gone, but at least they're on a plane.

Kelly/Jon and Steve/Dave get the same flight through Zurich to Paris. Kelly is so frustrated at Millie that she calls her "The Mole". Kathryn? Bill? Frederique? Anderson? Anyone?

At Frankfurt, Tian/Jaree, the Supremes and Chip/Reichen switch immediately to go to Paris. But there's a problem: Chip/Reichen have booked BUSINESS, which you absolutely cannot do! So after some consideration, they get off, fight with the attendant and rebook on a flight one hour later.

David/Jeff, Chuck/Millie and the clowns all take a 10.40 from Munich to Paris. Kelly/Jon feel they are far behind but they are impressed with Steve/Dave, whom they have dubbed "BFGs" (Big Fat Guys). I think I'll adopt that - it saves me typing.

And now, beautiful Paris! Oh look, it's the Arc de Triomphe (Series I, episode two pit stop). But we're not going there, it's off to Le Mans.

The Supremes are first out of the airport after the happy SNCF train man tells them to go to the Gare du Montparnasse (there are six train stations in Paris, BTW). I've been to Montparnasse, it's nice.

But enough about me. While the Supremes take off, Tian/Jaree "lollygagged". This is out of the month of a Supreme. They luck out and get an 11.05 train to Le Mans.

Tian/Jaree and Chip/Reichen get the same TGV (train a grande vitesse=high speed train) at Noon. The Supremes are the first to the circuit in Le Mans, and it's time for a...

DETOUR! No, wait... ROADBLOCK?

Anyway, the object: change four tires on a racecar, then take a ride in the shotgun (passenger seat). The Supremes are the first, as I said, but Monica's problems are numerous - she can't change the tires and their lead is dwindling...

Other teams are now staring to arrive in Paris, but Monica changes those pneus (tires) and finishes her lap.

More driving is in the future, however. It's off to the south - Marseilles, to be specific - 556 miles away. They then have to enter port four, find the lighthouse and get their next clue.

Tian/Jaree and Chip/Reichen's taxis drag race to the track. Chip goes up against Tian, and Chip gets away about five seconds earlier. Chip says it's a dream come true. Both teams are off to France's biggest port city.

BFGs and Kelly/Jon are in Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris and are having trouble figuring out where to go... but they do, and Kelly/Jon are fighting again - what a surprise!

Chuck and Jon do their respective tire fixing, save that Chuck is getting claustrophobic, but Millie is supportive. The clowns are headed to the south. Chuck manages to beat his fears. David/Jeff and Weezer/Geezer finish quickly. Kelly/Jon are last, and Kelly insists she do it, and then starts cursing once she sees what it is! Dave of the BFGs does theirs. I won't repeat John's comment about Kelly at this point as I want to keep this recap TV-PG.

Down in Marseilles, after being told they can't stay the night at the port, Chip/Reichen check into a nearby hotel. T/J do the same. David/Jeff start a long line of people who end up parking on the soft shoulder.

When the day breaks, T/J get told by a port guard to park in front of the gate, and so do Chip/Reichen. This pleases no one else, so the BFG's head a group that want them to go to the back of the line. Both "budgers" don't really want to cooperate. Steve suggests they check their tires when they pull out.

Following the break, Chip/Reichen go to the back of line. T/J are disagreeing as to whether or not they should. C/R want it made clear that their integrity should not be questioned.

9 AM rolls around. T/J let everyone pass. But they're not really thrilled.

Jon ignores Kelly's advice and they're the first to the lighthouse. They've now got to drive to the "Gorges du Blavet" (Blavet Mountains) and find the marked parking lot, park in it, then get their next clue. Other teams follow suit.

Everyone seems to be okay driving, save for a couple. Chip/Reichen are first to the mountain range, except they've parked in the wrong lot. David/Jeff however, have got the right one. We see Reichen/Chip go down a path that is unmarked. Not a smart move, guys.

Cut back to Weezer/Geezer driving what we are to assume is the wrong way. Goodness me, there are many teams that should be on LOST! on NBC.

Chip/Reichen pass through a stream and are getting deeper and deeper into the woods. David/Jeff are first to the DETOUR.

ROPES: rappel down the side of a mountain SLOPES: walk a marked path down to the side of the mountain.

As they were the first there, David/Jeff are the first down. Despite some nervousness, the clowns are second. Kelly/Jon are third.

At least David/Jeff should be first - but they miss the clue box in the forest! Oops. This allows the clowns to head into first. Teams must now hike back to their cars and drive to the Chateau des Alpilles in St-Remy-De-Provence, which, FYI, is about five miles from Les Baux de Provence (series one, episode three pit stop).

David/Jeff are still looking for the box. And Chip/Reichen are just looking for a flag period. They decide to retrace their steps up to the car. They're both not thrilled, but they've got to get going.

Tian/Jaree decide to go for the Fast Forward. They have to arrange twenty paintings, jigsaw style, into a large picture of the Chateau des Alpilles, which they do no problem.

David/Jeff retrace their steps and finally find the box. BFG's are worried about the state of the rope, and C/R are worried about the state of their sanity, as they think they might be out.

Tian/Jaree are first to the pit stop, with souvenir artwork in hand. Millie/Chuck and the clowns tie for second.

Weezer/Geezer are still looking for the Gorges.

The supremes are fourth. Chip/Reichen are fifth. David/Jeff are sixth. Kelly/Jon are seventh. BFG's are eighth, and they survived another scare.

And finally, we're at the detour with Weezer and Geezer. Weezer explains that his Dad his still his hero. They complete their task with little difficulty. Geezer explains that he's letting his son lead this time around. They arrive at the pit stop and are eliminated. Weezer says he got what he wanted out of the race, and Geezer said he already had it.

NEXT TIME: Cruising the canals of Amsterdam. Tian/Jaree look like they're going to really blow this time. And teams are more than knee deep in something...

EPISODE 5


Racing in Le Mans! Fights in Marseilles! Descending the Gorges du Blavet! And Weezer/Geezer fall by the wayside in Provence.

(roll titles)

The Models (Tian/Jaree) are the first to depart at 2.26 am. Their first task? From Marseilles, fly to Amsterdam. Find the Magere Brug (a bridge), look for the clue box. And I notice the liberties taken by the show - since when is "the outskirts of town" (in reference to Ste-Remy-de-Provence) equal to 74 miles?

Mille/Chuck along with the clowns, both depart at 2.41 am. The clowns have decided to concentrate on themselves, not others. The Supremes leave at 2.45. They say they're getting along great, unlike the models, they say.

Cut to the airport. The models are first at the Air France ticket counter and park themselves on the floor. Reichen/Chip leave Provence at 2.54. And it's pretty odd when they decided to sightsee on route. David/Jeff leave at 2.57. Kelly/Jon leave at three bells. Kelly doesn't like that she has to read the maps.

The BFG are the last to go at 4.19. Can they stave off elimination three weeks in a row?

Chip/Reichen arrive at the airport and see the line. Chip decides to ask Tian to book tickets for them, and Tian says, "sure, I'll ask Jaree". Chip interprets this as "sure". We'll see. In any case, Millie/Chuck look worried. Millie calls Tian on it and she says they haven't decided. Chuck/Millie decided to go look for another possibility.

The clowns join forces once again with Millie/Chuck and head for the British Airways counter.

The models get their flight, and after threatening to punch Chip's eyes out if they cut, Kelly/Jon get theirs. Looks like Kelly/Jon will be looking around elsewhere. The models will be flying through Paris - Charles de Gaulle along with Kelly/Jon.

The clowns, the supremes, Millie/Chuck and Chip/Reichen all get a flight leaving at 6.50 am on British Airways.

David/Jeff and BFG get a flight - but it's to Orly, and then their connection is through Charles de Gaulle, and they only have an hour. Having been to Paris before, I can tell you this will NOT be easy.

6.25 departure for Kelly/Jon and the models. 6.50 departure for the BA group.

Cut to D/J and BFG arriving in Paris, and getting their taxis. And guess what kids? There's an accident, and they're stuck.

Kelly/Jon and the models hit Amsterdam first. Clowns, Supremes, Millie/Chuck and Chip/Reichen all arrive three minutes later. Millie/Chuck grab a taxi, everyone else gets a train, except Tian/Jaree who buy a map and have to wait for the next one.

Millie/Chuck are the first to find the bridge. Teams must now choose a boat and drive themselves to the Scheepvaart Museum. Although they are first, they're having problems, and everyone else catches up.

Back in Paris, David/Jeff and BFG finally arrive at Charles de Gaulle to find out the flight is gone. No surprise there! They are able to rebook on a KLM flight at 11.45.

Returning to our navigators, they're having problems with the route's canals. HA! I'm brilliant. The models arrive, and let the problems begin. And Millie/Chuck are arguing. So are Kelly/Jon.

The clowns are first to the DETOUR. If this was in a late night slot on a Saturday, and you know Amsterdam, you might be able to figure out a couple of choices. That being said, I'm happy it's not at 12.30 am on a Monday, so here's what it really is:

500 KILOGRAMS: carry cheese while wearing wooden clogs until you tip the scales at 500 kg exactly. 15 FEET: drive further than the first option, dig bare handed through cow manure for the clue.

The clowns decided to go for cow manure. Chuck/Millie, still on the canals, turn around, as do the Supremes. Both teams feel they need to regroup. The models look like they're going to self-combust. Especially after Tian grabs the map out of Jaree's hand.

Reichen/Chip are second to Scheepvaart. European cheeses for them. Millie declares that they should go for the fast forward. They have to get to the Molen van Sloten windmill in North Amsterdam and ride it! Ten revolutions each!

BFG and David/Jeff have finally arrived in Amsterdam. The clowns arrive at the manure pile first. Kelly/Jon decide to go for "poo".

Millie/Chuck get to the windmill. And they're off! They both feel the time along was some much needed peace. They can now skip the Detour and the Road Block (good call, guys!) and proceed directly to the pit stop in Muiden at the Kasteel Muiderslot.

The Supremes go for poop. The clowns seem to be having too much fun - they're slinging dung at each other. And one loses a boot! But the find the clue anyway - they have to find the smoker statue in the village of Monikadam.

BFG and David/Jeff get their Amsterdam clue. The models once again are fighting. They've lost about 90 minutes with the bickering. But they finally find it. They're gonna dig.

Kelly/Jon arrive at pooville, and instantly Jon finds himself knee deep in poo quicksand.

Chip/Reichen arrive at the world of cheese and start carrying. The crowds gathered around seem to enjoy themselves. In their first run, they've moved 72 of 500 kilograms needed. Better get used to those shoes, boys. Kelly/Jon have found the clue in the poo. Both BFG and David/Jeff arrive at the museum around the same time. The Supremes have found their poo clue.

Chip/Reichen finally finish. The clowns are first to the roadblock. They are to immerse themselves in the world of a Dutch fisherman, by transferring from a boat's floor to a box 25 eels with their bare hands. Al chooses to do it but he wished he hadn't.

Millie/Chuck are first at the pit stop - and they've won a seven day cruise as a bonus.

The clowns have found the eels and finished. They're off to the castle. The Supremes have just done pooville and they're trying to turn around when they get stuck. Thankfully, someone comes along and tows them out.

Kelly/Jon get to the roadblock, and Jon's doing it, and he does it quickly. The clowns are second to the pit stop. In the car, Tian is yelling at Jaree. Dave says that he looks stupid with his shoes on.

Kelly/Jon are third to the pit stop. Reichen/Chip and the Supremes have made it to eel town. Reichen and Sheree both do the task handily. The Supremes ask Reichen to help them, which he does. Tian suspects that Jaree is trying to sabotage them. David/Jeff finish the pooville challenge. Tian/Jaree want to throw it at each other. BFG finish. The models find a poo clue quite quickly.

Reichen/Chip are fourth, the Supremes are fifth. David is in and out quickly in regards to the eels. Jaree does it too - her first roadblock - way to pitch in, girl! Dave does it for the BFGs. David/Jeff are sixth.

Were down to two. Jaree says that although she shouldn't think about it, she wouldn't mind being eliminated.

But they'll have to wait another episode, as somehow, they end up coming in seventh. Tian's stunned. Jaree seems impartial. And that means the inevitable has happened, the BFG are the last to go. Dave says the one thing that he noticed the most along the race track was that he really misses his wife.

NEXT TIME: Racing through India, a very challenging road block, and a harrowing train ride.

EPISODE 6

Last time: Chuck and Millie are trying to get through in the clutch, Tian and Jaree can't stand each other very much, and the BFG's go Dutch, and are eliminated.

(Roll titles)

Millie/Chuck start the middle of the night race at 2.25 am. It's off to Mumbai, India (formerly Bombay) for our teams, and they have to find gate number one in film city. Time to get to the airports, then. Chuck says Millie and he are "super competitive". They're on the cell phone in the taxi to book a flight.

The clowns are next at a quarter past three. Kelly/Jon are next at 3.34. Jon says Kelly has stopped panicking so much. Millie/Chuck find a KLM flight for 10.25 but think they can do better.

Reichen/Chip are fourth at 4.26. The Supremes take off at 4.43. Sheree says they're becoming closer. They're taking a train to the airport to save dinero.

Dave/Jeff leave at 5.05, calling ahead like Chuck/Millie to get a flight. We see that that team and the clowns have got the flight on KLM. The models are last at 5.42 am. Tian has decided to bite her tongue and let Jaree do her thing.

Reichen/Chip are in a dilemma. Do they take the flight that gets in a half hour earlier but switches in Milan? They discuss it with the Supremes but the ladies are taking KLM with the others. R/C can't decide... but they'll have to quick, as they're running out of time for which to print out the tickets. They decide to go for it, and they make the connection no problem. Everyone else takes the KLM flight.

Reichen/Chip seem overwhelmed at the airport. Chip is overcome with the state of affairs in Mumbai - he wonders how it got to be so bad.

The pack arrives at 11.30. Kelly's worse nightmare is coming true - she's not a big fan of small spaces. The models enjoy the new culture.

Reichen/Chip are the first to find the clue box. They must find Studio 10 in the Bollywood film complex while riding on bikes. After they have a rest that is, as hours of operation don't start until 9.30 the next morning. Everyone else arrives shortly thereafter and they enjoy a big slumber party on a big slab of concrete.

And before you know it, it's morning. Jon (of the clowns) states that not very often you realize how lucky you are, after looking at the ruins all around him.

Now it's time for the Tour d'Inde. No, not really, but close enough. David/Jeff are the first to find the next clue, who leads them to a...

DETOUR: SUDS or DUDS

SUDS: take a bag of dirty laundry and wash it in an outdoor Laundromat. The clue is on one of the dirty articles of clothing.

DUDS: locate a hard to find clothing shop, search through hundreds of traditional "sarees" to find the clue printed on one of them.

Both detours can only be accessed through the jam packed public transit system.

Everyone is relatively close in Bollywood - and once they've got their clues, everyone seems to be running in different directions, whereas Reichen/Chip still use their bikes. Concept! They then take a bus to the city, along with David/Jeff, Kelly/Jon and Millie/Chuck.

The Supremes then miss that bus, as do the clowns, but Tian/Jaree manage to locate one.

Chip/Reichen are now at the train station, and they don't know what they're in for. They have to push like nothing they've ever seen. David/Jeff and Kelly/Jon are next, and they can't believe what's going on. They actually miss the first train they have a chance to take, as they've no idea how to get into what appears to be a can of sardines.

Kelly/Jon say they have to push - and once again Kelly's nightmare is coming true (small spaces). Speaking of which, Chuck is very hesitant to get on once Millie is in, but he does manage to beat his fear this time. Tian/Jaree shove in, and Tian complains that someone grabbed her boob. This is definitely a harrowing experience for all.

Tian/Jaree feel like they're second-class citizens in India. The Supremes are in dead last, and they're lost. The Clowns get a place in first class on the train but in the grand scheme of things, it's not much more space.

Reichen/Chip are first to SUDS. But they walk by the bundle of laundry... and have to go back to the beginning, and they do find it. Kelly survives the train ride, as she and Jon and David/Jeff start their Maytag course.

Reichen/Chip are first to wash the right cloth. They have to get to the Mundo Universal Engineering at Sassoon Docks.

David/Jeff are second. Kelly/Jon are falling behind but they find their clue (after Kelly gets soaked). Kelly/Jon get on a bus - which Kelly says is "much quicker than the train".

Millie/Chuck overshoot the bundle - and Millie starts washing someone else's clean clothes!

Models push through and off the train, and head for the cleaners, and arrive find the bundle about the same time that Chuck does.

The clowns start heading for Duds. Supremes hail a bus to the train station. Chuck/Millie find the clue and head for the docks. Clowns have major problems finding the shop, but they do eventually, whereas the Supremes aren't liking this leg at all - mind you, at least they're on the train now. The Clowns start the search. Models find their clue, and hop into a cab.

The Supremes make it to the Laundromat, while Al finds the right dud for the Clowns, and they can move on. Supremes go through the whole load, don't find it, and then have to go through the pile again.

After the ad break, they find the clue, and hail a cab.

Chip/Reichen and Dave/Jeff are first to the ROAD BLOCK. Smells fishy. They have to find 20 Palai fish in a pile with multiple types of fish.

Jeff and Reichen help each other find the vendor, and start piling fish into their baskets. Once they're off, Reichen comments how wonderful it is to be piled with fish guts. Chip/Reichen are first to complete. They must now find the Gateway to India for the pit stop. Dave/Jeff are second.

Kelly nominates Jon to do the road block, while Chip/Reichen and Dave/Jeff are drag racing taxis. In a foot race, Dave/Jeff are first to arrive. And they win a seven day cruise as a bonus. Chip/Reichen are right behind and are team number two.

Jon seems to be just tossing fish into the basket, but in the end, they're good to go. Next up are Chuck, Al and Tian. All three ask questions about their catch of the day. Chuck has to go back as he's only got 10/20. Al has 8, while Tian has done the best, with 14. Still, all have to return for their missing fish.

Kelly/Jon, after Jon's request for a hug, are declared third. Chuck and Al both have their new fish stock. Tian's a bit behind. Jaree's happy that Tian hasn't been yelling at her this much this leg. All three teams are off to the pit stop.

The Supremes finally arrive at the docks, and complete the fish task on the first try.

Chuck/Millie are fourth. Tian/Jaree are team number five, and they feel they've mead headway. The clowns are sixth, which makes the Supremes seven, and this time it's an unlucky number. They're out - and one can honestly say that it was just due to a slightly bad leg.

NEXT TIME: Kelly/Jon get nasty! And other teams get down and dirty! (If you've seen the promos, you'll understand...)

EPISODE 6


Last time: Chip/Reichen experience culture shock. Instead of the train, racing women would rather walk. The models civilly talk. A fishy roadblock. And the Supremes are too late at the docks - and are eliminated.

(roll titles)

In Mumbai, Dave/Jeff are the leaders, leaving at 12.51 am. Their first task: travel by taxi to Panvel, then onto Ernakulam Junction. Take the train - 860 miles! Jeff thinks he and Dave can win the whole lot.

Reichen/Chip leave an entire minute later. Reichen says he's made "significant blunders". Dave/Jeff realize that their train ride will last an entire day.

Kelly/Jon are third at 1.19. Kelly says Jon's selfish - and has to remember that she's part of thhe team too! They take a taxi to Victoria Station so as to link up to Panvel. Millie/Chuck are fourth at 1.34. Millie says they're going to try and work together a little better.

The daring duo of the models are fifth at 1.36. Jon and Al (go clowns!) are gone at 1.37.

The last three teams all depart towards Panvel, but the clowns find out it's better to go to Victoria Terminal. So they do. Kelly/Jon find out that the station doesn't open until four, so they and the clowns each find a hotel. Kelly/Jon fight over whether to leave at six am or seven; Kelly wins, they're leaving at six. She doesn't want to be squished.

Tian/Jaree have an ever so slight problem with their taxi driver: HE'S GOING DOWN THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!!! And his lights are off! But they're okay in the end.

Dave/Jeff end up at the OLD Panvel station (read: Ôwrong') and wake someone up. They then get to the NEW station, which while slightly rundown, is the right one. They decide to go to a hotel.

Millie/Chuck, Chip/Reichen and the Models all make it to the train station and decide to camp out in their space blankets.

Jon/Kelly make it to Victoria station in plenty of time to get a seat. They catch a 6.38 am train. The clowns get one about a half hour later, and have some thought-provoking commentary on the social system they are struck by.

Kelly asks Jon to watch her back, and as a joke, he gooses her. Jon thinks it's funny, Kelly doesn't. Big surprise there!

All teams are now on the 24-hour train ride. There are varying thoughts of how comfortable the train is. While on their journey, most teams upgrade to first class at a cost of $16 each. Save for Chuck/Millie, who decided to save some big bucks, and hopefully avoid the last place whammy.

The models enjoy the idea of doing nothing and watching the scenery. It's a nice time just to take a breather. Millie/Chuck like being in second class away from the other teams. Kelly/Jon go into their five-year-old insulting mode on the topic of Millie's facial features. Hey guys, the playground is on your left. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Finally, the train arrives at Ernakulam Junction. Everyone's out quickly and finds taxis. Teams have been told to search along Highway 47 and look for a billboard that give directions to their next clue.

Chip/Reichen are the last ones out due to the checking of gas levels. Reichen's telling him to just get in and go.

Teams can't believe how many signs there are - thousands, almost. Dave/Jeff are first to the route marker. They must continue in their taxi to the sports field in Alleppey.

We see the Models, Kelly/Jon and the Clowns all finding the route marker. But Chuck/Millie are out of gas. They've got to make a pre-pit stop pit stop. Chip/Reichen find the route marker, but they're still in last. Chuck/Millie's car overheats, and they're falling behind.

After the break, Chip/Reichen are out of gas. And unlike Chip/Reichen, they have to pay for it. Chuck/Millie's cab is finally going. Dave/Jeff are first to the next clue box, and the clowns trail them. It's time for a...

ROAD BLOCK: one person must be pulled through the mud by bulls. If they hang onto the end: clue received. If they can't: it's to the back of the line. David and Al are the first two to go.

Back in the taxis, Reichen feels bad that he didn't pick the right one. He sure didn't - the models and Kelly/Jon arrive at the road block. Tian and Jon are the next to go.

David is first through the mud pit. They must now find the marker on Beach Road. Al confesses that he didn't want to think of what was in the mud. Tian's first go... is a bust. She makes it about three feet. Jon does it no problem, and as soon as he gets out, Kelly is rushing him! Tian's second go... is a no go.

Millie/Chuck arrive in fifth. Tian's third go... is good to go, and now she looks like she's going to do her own poster spread. Tian says she's happy she's getting a facial. Chuck gets it on the first try. Chip/Reichen are last. Chip gets into the mud and gets it done.

The next route marker reveals... DETOUR.

BASKET: load ten live chickens into bicycle bearing baskets and teams navigate themselves to a chicken farm. TRUNKS: load two bundles of "coyer" onto an elephant and find the marked shop.

Dave/Jeff and clowns both take elephants. So do Kelly/Jon, although they say that it's not like riding a horse. David says it's not comfortable. The clowns agree. Tian is thrilled that they get an elephant ride. Millie/Chuck take elephants.

The models have left one thing out - their cargo! So they lose time. Chip/Reichen decided to go for chickens. Jon comments that two hours dragged by bulls is better than five minutes on the elephant. David/Jeff are still first, and they must find "The Finishing Point", where the pit stop is.

The clowns are second to complete. Chuck/Millie have got lost, so have Kelly/Jon. Reichen is trying to direct Chip (albeit unsuccessfully). First to the stop in Alleppey is David/Jeff. And they've won a cruise for their troubles. The clowns are second. Jon/Kelly are third to drop off their cargo, then Chuck/Millie do as well. Chip/Reichen are having major problems with their chicken bike. Maybe a call to Chicken George is in order? Then they're at the "Chicken House", which is not "Geogi's Chicken Farm". Tsk tsk. At this point, the models and Chip/Reichen are off to the races at the same time.

Kelly/Jon are third. Chuck/Millie are close behind and are fourth. Phil keeps saying "you are the __________ to arrive", so I suspect there's time penalties that we're not aware of.

It's a taxi race to the finish... and Chip/Reichen are fifth. Which means our models, Tian and Jaree, are last, and are eliminated. Which is a shame, because they're a good team. They comment that once they stopped fighting, they lose!

NEXT TIME: Jon buts in line. Millie gets pushed out of reservation. Jon gets his shirt in a knot. And Millie falls in!

EPISODE 8




Last time: A long train ride. A muddy bull ride. A short elephant ride. And for Tian/Jaree, then end of a wild ride - they've been eliminated.

(roll titles)

For the first time in a while, we get to see teams mingling in between legs. Chip/Reichen are celebrating their first anniversary, so they tell the remaining teams that they're a couple. Chuck doesn't seem amused. Chuck/Millie reveal that they've been dating for twelve years and are virgins. Kelly/Jon find this hilarious - they say they've been living in sin for years.

Enough of the small talk. David/Jeff are first off at 4.02 am. They must fly to Kota Kinabalu in Malaysia and find the Monsopiad Cultural Village. Clowns are next at 4.06 am. Kelly/Jon are third at 4.16. These two teams get involved in the usual taxi drag race. Not far behind are Chuck/Millie at 4.16 (?) and Chip/Reichen at 4.17.

Dave/Jeff arrive at the Cochin airport. A porter suggests taking Jet Airways to Mumbai and then fly to Malaysia from there. They have to find domestics, though. Kelly/Jon catch up with David/Jeff, and so do the clowns - they're all at the ticket wicket waiting for it to open.

Chip/Reichen get directed to the Air India office to get a ticket. Millie/Chuck find Chip/Reichen at the office. Reichen doesn't like Chip/s work being stolen by Millie, and he tries to close the door. Millie's foot is lodged in there pretty good, so it really doesn't work.

Back at domestics, there's problems. The locals have been jumping line, and Jon (of Jon/Kelly) is not happy. They make it through anyway. Chip/Reichen are looking at booking Madrass to Kuala Lumpur but are told to go to a different domestic terminal.

Kelly/Jon, Dave/Jeff and the clowns all book an 8.30 to Mumbai. Chuck/Millie are getting upset at each other. They consult the clowns and get the same 8.30 flight.

Chip/Reichen are trying to book a Malaysian Air ticket through Jet Airlines, which surprisingly, they can't do. They get an offer from a travel agent to go with him to his downtown office where his boss will meet them and try to book them the ticket they want, but it's a gamble. As the other teams depart, the owner of the travel agency isn't there to meet them and C/R are getting antsy.

After the break, he finally arrives and tells them... there's no space.

In Mumbai, Kelly/Jon book a flight to Singapore, while Millie/Chuck get a ticket all the way to Kota Kinabalu. Same one in fact. The Clowns decide to go through Kuala Lumpur. Dave/Jeff will go through Singapore.

Back in Cochin, Chip/Reichen book a flight to Kota Kinabalu, but they're now several hours behind.

Kelly/Jon and Millie/Chuck both arrive in Singapore. While Kelly/Jon decide to crash on the floor in anticipation of their mid-morning flight, thus evoking memories for me sleeping in Buffalo en route to see "The Price is Right", Millie/Chuck go looking for a better flight. Through Millie's persistence, they land it. They leave at 8.40, a full two hours ahead of Kelly/Jon, and Dave/Jeff who are now in Singapore as well.

It turns out that Millie/Chuck, the clowns, and Chip/Reichen are all on the same flight to Kota Kinabalu. Dave/Jeff and Kelly/Jon are on a later flight.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, our out of flight entertainment will begin. Kindly put your headsets in the pocket in front of you, and put your tray table up and seat back in the full upright position before we land. Thank you kindly.

Millie/Chuck are first to the Monsopiad Cultural Village, where they receive a traditional cultural good luck blessing and their clue - they have to head to the village's boat jetty. The clowns are second. Chip/Reichen approach... no, wait... pass the cultural village, and have to go a mile down the road to turn around.

Kelly/Jon and David/Jeff have now arrived in Kota Kinabalu. Chip/Reichen are third to village, and Reichen feels that the ceremony was like getting married again.

Chuck/Millie are first to the jetty. They're on the way to a fishing trawler, which contains their next clue. Jeff says the lady at the ceremony looks like his grandmother but is very much with it.

Millie/Chuck are first to the DETOUR.

NET: catch fifteen fish contained in marked pens. TRAP: pull up a weighted lobster trap.

Millie/Chuck tell their boat to go to TRAP. So do the clowns. Kelly/Jon are the last to complete the ceremony, although Jon thought it was very slow moving.

For some reason, Millie/Chuck are driven to NET. They decide to stick with it. The clowns are pulling at TRAP. Millie/Chuck decide to physically get in the pen to help with the effort. In what might be the most brilliant bit of on screen graphics yet, it reads "MILLIE & CHUCK: 4 fish caught" and then changes quickly to "3 fish caught" when one jumps out.

Clowns are having problems with traps but they end up being first to complete the Detour. They are told to take their boat to Manukan Island for their next clue.

Reichen/Chip arrive at NET after requesting TRAP. Unlike Chuck/Millie, they do insist on going back to the right place.

Graphic: 8 fish caught.

"We've got to drain this water, Chuck!"

Graphic: 7 fish caught.

Classic.

Chip/Reichen get their clue. They're in second.

SPLASH! Millie falls in. That would be a bummer, then. But somehow they miraculously complete, and are now in third.

The clowns have hit the island and they've hit a ROAD BLOCK. One person has to hit targets with bow and arrow, blow guns and spears. Survivor: Pulau Tiga, anyone?

Jon chooses to do it for the clowns. Once he and any other teams are done, they run down the beach to hit the pit stop. Chip/Reichen are second. Chip's doing it. And not surprisingly, Chuck does it for his team. All three are shooting at the same time.

Dave/Jeff and Kelly/Jon have hit the boat jetty. Chuck is feeling stressed. Jon completes target #1. Now Chip is done the first obstacle, but before he gets there, Jon's onto the final stage. Chuck's still having problems.

David/Jeff decide to go for NET. Kelly/Jon are trying TRAP. Dave/Jeff arrive but stupidly, they choose an UNMARKED pen. They get really small fish from the wrong bin, and have to do it again. Kelly/Jon are having serious problems with the TRAP.

Chip has caught up with Jon at spears. Chuck finally finishes bow and arrow. Reichen/Chip are the first to finish the road block, but seem oblivious to where the path to the pit stop is. Jon/Al are done almost immediately afterwards, which leads to Chip/Reichen realizing this, screaming "Jon, let's win it together!". The clowns are first, with Chip/Reichen pulling in second. The clowns pick up a trip to Mexico.

Chuck's done with the blow darts, and David/Jeff finally complete NET. Kelly/Jon are having problems with TRAP - they let it go. They end up going to NET. The trials of Millie/Chuck continue.

8 fish caught... 7 fish caught... the total is sinking for Kelly/Jon. Chuck nails the spear, and they're third. David/Jeff are done the first, then the second, then the third, and they're in fourth for this leg. Which means, after arguments in the deadly weapons challenge, they're last.

And they're bloody lucky too, as this is a non-elimination leg, so they're still in the race.

NEXT TIME: climbing to the top! Bad decisions rise to the top! And whose car will end up on top!

And a postlude: Up here in Canada, Outdoor Life Network has an "encore presentation" of AR on Sunday night, and we get the full credit crawl - how exciting!

EPISODE 9
Last time: Chip/Reichen try to save a buck, the toll is taken on Millie and Chuck, Jon/Al finish first because their shooting doesn't suck, and Kelly/Jon experience a lot of luck - they're still in it, despite finishing last, because it's a non elimination leg.

(roll titles)

The clowns and C/R are neck and neck, both leaving at 2.03 am. They have to get to Poring Hot Springs, where they'll find their next clue.

Millie/Chuck are third to leave, at 2.19. Millie says that they haven't had much sleep since the last leg. David/Jeff are fourth at 2.50.

We see that C/R and the clowns are deterred somewhat by deer in the middle of the road. Jon/Kelly are last to go at 3.39 - and Jon wastes away by trying to haggle with the taxman for a better price. Buddy, it's four in the morning. Just go.

Chip/Reichen are first to the springs at 5.02, but too bad for them that they can't get in until 6.30. Everyone catches up, save for Jon/Kelly.

All teams run in, drop their backpacks, and start running on the rope bridge. Chuck/Millie are first to the clue box. They now have to drive 145 miles to the Trushidup Palm Oil Plantation, where they'll find their next route marker. And they get a map to boot. The show knows no limits!

All other teams then follow Chuck/Millie in getting the clue, while Jon/Kelly are getting out of their cab. At which point Jon stops to take a leak. No, seriously.

They get into the hot springs... and promptly are lost.

David/Jeff are first out to the cars, Millie/Chuck are second, with Chip and Reichen in third and the clowns in fourth.

There's a slight problem with the cars though - they're fogging up quickly. The defrost doesn't work that well, but Chip/Reichen took the time to put it on before they started, so they're able to pass everyone else.

In the cars, Millie/Chuck are very very tired. But they seem okay. Jon/Kelly get a nice "Stairmaster workout" as they are still hopefully lost.

After the break, they finally find it. Kelly tells Jon just to open the fast forward. To claim it, they have to find the Sepilok orangutan reserve, and each team member must feed two pieces of fruit to the wild orangutan, after hiking deep into the forest.

Jon states that "the idiots are back". In reference to themselves, that is.

Chip realizes that he and Reichen are heading in the direction of the fast forward. They decide to continue instead of backtracking... which really wont help the case of Jon/Kelly, who declared it's "do or die" time. Umm, that'd be the last one then, love.

The clowns are first to the palm oil plantation, which turns out to be a DETOUR.

CHOP: use local tools to chop down palm nut bunches which have a clue envelope attached. One out of every four has the clue, the other three are empty.

HAUL: push 25 pound nut bunches in a wheelbarrow and then throw them into a transport trailer. They have to throw up 25.

Clowns go for HAUL. They find it's not easy as they're cumbersome.

But at least they're at the detour. Chuck/Millie are going nowhere fast. They get out and ask for directions, but it doesn't help. And they're emotionally drained to boot.

But at least they're as not as thick as David/Jeff. They pass the clue wheelbarrow several times. They finally find it and decide to HAUL.

Clowns are first finished. It's time to drive themselves to the Gamantong Caves. Dave/Jeff are very proud of themselves when they're done that they didn't picked the wrong numbered truck (see also: fish pen, choosing a marked). In any case they're done.

Jon/Kelly are on their way to the FF. They say it doesn't make sense for the other teams to grab it. But that's exactly what Chip/Reichen are on their way to do. Chip/Reichen both agree the hike is beautiful. Chuck/Millie start with HAUL at the detour. Then they switch to CHOP. And then back to HAUL.

Chip/Reichen have reached the orangutans and after some deep thoughts, they get the FF directions to the pit stop. They have to get to the Sepilok Nature Resort. They wish they weren't racing, otherwise they'd stay with them for a week.

Back to Chuck/Millie, the stubbornness continues, and they wonder what this will do to their relationship. They do finish the task though.

The team of Kelly/Jon arrive at the nature reserve to find that the FF is gone! Kelly starts babbling, and Jon swears at her. She's not amused. Jon speculates that Chuck/Millie asked the clowns to FF. Kelly tells him that they should just finish the races as best they can.

Chuck/Millie are having problems reading the map. They actually drive by the turnoff sign, oh dear.

The clowns are the first to the caves. It's a DETOUR. One member has to climb a traditional fifty foot rattan ladder in order to get to the top where a clue is hanging in a basket (attached to a horizontal ladder).

Jon does it for the clowns. It's a nice view. Jon comments that some of the ladder rungs have poo on them ("It's like pooville!" to quote another episode), which he's not very fond of. He's the first to finish. They now will drive themselves to the Sepilok Nature Resort. They pass D/J on their way out.

Chip/Reichen are the first to the pit stop. And they've won a Latin American vacation to enjoy after the race.

Jeff is climbing up for his team. Millie/Chuck are still hopelessly lost. And Jon/Kelly are finally at the detour - they've gone for HAUL. Jeff is done the roadblock. Back at the plantation, Jon/Kelly can't see the number on the side of the truck that matches their wheelbarrow. Kelly asks "how are we so stupid?"

Ah, I have a few suggestions if you'd like...

They decide to switch to CHOP. They get it on the second try. Meanwhile, Chuck/Millie are now officially contestants on NBC's "Lost!" Because they are. Still. Millie realizes that it's generally just a bad day. They both went an hour out of their way - the wrong way. They do finally reach the detour - about twelve seconds before Jon/Kelly do! Ladies and germs, we got ourselves a race!

Jon and Chuck are the appointed members of their teams to do it. Chuck takes a sizeable early lead, but at the top, they're level pegging.

The clowns are second. Chuck and Jon are still neck and neck, but Jon starts to pull away, and Jon/Kelly are the first out of the caves. Kelly is amazed they're back in the race. Frankly, so am I.

On the other hand, Chuck decides to follow Jon/Kelly because that way they can't lose (theoretically).

David/Jeff are third. Jon passes a car, but Chuck can't do the same as he can't find the gear. Jon/Kelly find the turnoff first, and both teams prepare for an all out footrace.

And here it comes... who's it going to be?

I present to you the fourth place team... Kelly and Jon.

Which means Millie/Chuck are the last team to arrive, and they've been eliminated. Millie says that they've learned a lot about each other, and Chuck agrees that they're not sure what turns their relationship will take next.

NEXT TIME: Diving into ice! Diving into new food! Diving into trouble at the North Korean border!

EPISODE 10
Last time: Teams pause to clean their windows. Chip/Reichen play with orangutans, causing Jon/Kelly to undo their fast forward plans. And the stop button applied to Chuck/Millie - they've been eliminated.

(roll titles)

Before we start, congratulations to Amazing Race: they're Emmy nominated! Good luck, guys!

Back to Sepilok now. Reichen/Chip depart at 10.26 pm. They have to find the Pujunsi (sp?) Buddha Temple, and search thousands of tiny figurines for the one with their names on it. It will contain a key that opens a bag, which in turn will give them their next clue.

Chip/Reichen say they have to "watch their backs". They feel there was a sense of peace in the temple. They find the key, which tells them to get to Seoul, South Korea, and find the Seoul tower. Vans leave from the temple for the airport every half hour, but can only carry one team. Chip takes a moment to say a prayer. They leave the temple at midnight.

Jon/Al (go clowns!) depart at 12.56 am. Dave/Jeff are third at 1.11 am. Dave/Jeff say the clowns are their greatest competition. Kelly/Jon are last at 2.42 am.

And lookie here kids, we're back in Kota Kinabalu, albeit at the airport. The ticket agent asks Chip/Reichen when they're at the airport in first "how early must you reach Korea?" Oh, maybe next Thursday... NO, NOW!!! They've got tickets, through Singapore. The clowns do the same. Ditto for Dave/Jeff and Kelly/Jon. This would be bunching, then.

When they get to Singapore, Dave/Jeff purchase a standby tickets for a flight that goes through Hong Kong and gets to Seoul one hour earlier than the others. And so do the clowns. Chip/Reichen take the time waiting for the flight to chow down on burgers.

The lady at Singapore Air says to Dave/Jeff that they bought a ticket but didn't check into their system. Huh? There seems to be some miscommunication - they can't understand what's going on. They persist and both they and the clowns get on the same flight.

Jon/Kelly and Chip/Reichen take off three and a half hours later.

Dave/Jeff and the clowns arrive in Seoul at 5 am. They decide to make a van caravan to find their clue, which they do, and it tells them to proceed to Rafting Korea in the Sundan Valley - located right near the North/South Korean border. Due to the high cost, they decide to split on a cab.

Jon/Kelly and Chip/Reichen arrive in South Korea forty minutes later. Chip/Reichen look like they're having problems, which continues for their next destination. They want to find someone who speaks English.

Dave/Jeff's driver stops to ask for directions, which doesn't inspire confidence. Suddenly, they're passing army tanks near the border, which makes them quite nervous.

Chip/Reichen are the first to the valley, although they've no clue how. Jon/Kelly are second, Dave/Jeff are third, and the clowns are last. And it's time for a ROADBLOCK. Very simple. Go for a swim. Oh, and you have to swim under a bunch of ice. Piece of cake. If I can just excuse myself to go get my dry suit... WHAT? I HAVE TO DO IT IN MY SKIVVIES? ON NATIONAL TELEVISION? You've got to be joking.

Oh, wait, you're serious. Chip asks "What are skivvies?" Hardy har har.

As everyone is tense, the clowns break into song and dance. Good on ya, guys. Oh, ladies, for you keeping track:

#1 - Chip: briefs
#2 - Jon: briefs
#3 - David: briefs
#4 - Al: boxers

According to the friends I watch with every week, only Al is the real "man's man".

All teams complete the chilling task as quick as they can, and now have to find the clue box in subway station #228.

And the nice guys that they are, Dave/Jeff almost take off with the taxi that they were sharing with the clowns, but they do hang back eventually, deciding that they will split up when they get back to town.

Reichen/Chip are sitting in first place and sitting in traffic. So is everyone else for that matter. Our leaders get off and start navigating the subway system. The clowns have the same idea. And Kelly/Jon are fighting, Quel surprise! Dave/Jeff are now on the subway too.

Dave/Jeff ask for directions and... they're wrong. They decide to try another cab. Chip/Reichen are first to the station, but Kelly/Jon are first to find out about the...

DETOUR!

STRONG HAND: break three sets of boards each with your bare hands

STRONG STOMACH: eat a plate of live octopus (their words: 'a Korean delicacy')

Jon/Kelly go for HAND, Reichen/Chip will try STOMACH.

I don't think I've seen bigger eyes then the ones that Chip/Reichen had at this moment, as they realize they're going to be eating octopus.

Dave/Jeff are hopefully lost. Reichen/Chip are having real problems - one of them asks if they're allowed to vomit (answer: no!).

Jon breaks his boards no problem. Kelly... well, she missed the first couple.

In order to finish their meal, Reichen starts throwing back octopus shooters. Not my idea of fun, but it works.

Back at Sir-Chop-A-Lot, Kelly is on her last board and Jon is annoying her. He solves this problem by saying (in reference to the boards) "That's me, hit my face", and it worked. Incidentally, that was the title for this week's episode.

Teams must now drive across town to the Gyongbokgung Palace where they will find the pit stop.

The clowns reach the subway in third. They're going for HAND. Dave/Jeff arrive and go for STOMACH... until they see it, and then switch to HAND.

After some problems, the clowns are off to the palace, and Dave/Jeff finish shortly thereafter quite quickly.

Jon/Kelly are first at the palace, but the pit stop isn't easily found. But Jon seems to make all the right moves, and they're team number one! They've won a Kodak Easy Share camera!

What's that? We're out of them? What? Okay... I guess they can have a Caribbean cruise instead. Chip/Reichen come in second. And there's a race not to be last... and in third... are the clowns!

That means that Dave/Jeff are last... but it's a non elimination leg. That means they live to see another episode... and so will we!

NEXT TIME: Running through airports! Rappelling down buildings! Swimming with sharks!

EPISODE 10
Last time: The roadblock is quite a chill! Breaking boards, what a thrill! Chip/Reichen looking quite ill! And Dave/Jeff look like they'll take a spill - out of the race, but they're saved by a non-elimination leg.

(roll titles)

We're into serious business here - one of these teams will win $1 Million.

Kelly/Jon are first to go at 3.45 am. Their first task is to find Hangang Park, on Yeouido Island. Once there, they must pull on the string of a traditional Korean kite to receive their next clue.

Kelly/Jon's first taxi driver doesn't speak any English. So they try another, with the same results, but they take it anyway, because they don't want to get stuck behind...

Chip/Reichen, who leave ten minutes later. Both taxi don't have English speaking drivers - this should prove interesting!

Jon/Al (go clowns!) leave at 4.04. And they get a taxi driver who speaks perfect English! Chip/Reichen are starting to get antsy with their driver. Kelly/Jon decided to stop at a hotel, get directions, and get a new taxi to boot.

The clowns are the first to the kites. Chip/Reichen are starting to get PO'd at their driver, to which I say "Welcome to the race, guys".

The clowns are also the first to find out their next destination is Brisbane, Australia! They then have to find a specific hotel, check in with the concierge, and be escorted to the penthouse suite.

Reichen/Chip are second to get to the clue. Jon of Jon/Kelly fame starts pulling on the main kite string, and actually breaks part of it. Well done, dingbat.

Dave/Jeff are last to leave at 5.15. Jon/Kelly do get the clue eventually.

The clowns are in the lead at the airport, but discover that ticketing doesn't start until 6 am. Dave/Jeff get the kite clue.

Kelly/Jon are stuck driving in a fog. The clowns are calling a travel agency but find out that their previous reservation (not shown in detail) is the best way to go. Or so it might seem.

Chip/Reichen go and get a Singapore Airlines flight, which will get them in quicker than the clowns. Jon/Kelly then proceed to get the same flight.

The clowns are the only ones at the Korean Airlines gate and are starting to wonder where everyone else is.

They'd be waiting to go on the Singapore Airlines flight, then. Where Dave/Jeff are now flying out of as well.

And then all flights are delayed due to heavy fog. The clowns are reassured by a worker that the flight will leave on time - otherwise, they could miss their connection.

The fog has now lifted, and Chip/Reichen, Dave/Jeff and Jon/Kelly board their plane.

John realizes that he and Al are in trouble as their flight is near the very end of the queue to leave... and they ask a passenger if the flight is delayed - which it is! Two hours, in fact.

So they go looking for another flight - and find the one that everyone else is on. And we're starting to cut it close, they might make it... but due to security reasons, they can't get on. They figure this may be the end.

After the break, the clowns land a direct flight to Brisbane. They take the time to clown around and amuse themselves and those in the general area.

Dave/Jeff, Kelly/Jon, Chip/Reichen all land in Brisbane. Dave/Jeff had decided to go for the Fast Forward, which entails passing a local lifeguard test. They have to pull a swimmer out of the water and return her to the beach.

Chip/Reichen are next out in a taxi, and Jon/Kelly take a commuter train. And they're pleased, because there's bumper to bumper traffic. But Chip/Reichen are the first to the penthouse, with Jon/Kelly close behind.

And it's time for a DETOUR!

FACE FIRST: rappel face first down the side of a hotel building. FOOT FIRST: walk down the stairs, find another hotel, walk up the stairs.

Both teams decide to go for face first.

The clowns have now landed. Dave/Jeff are still driving to FF. Chip and Jon start their respective rappelling, and get it done quickly.

Dave/Jeff arrive at the beach for their FF. It's not as easy as it seems, though. The waves are high, it's tough paddling, and they're getting nowhere fast.

Back at the hotel, it looks like Reichen won't have problems, but Kelly might. She can't even make a fist because of the injury sustained breaking boards. Reichen finishes first between he and Kelly, while Kelly is STUCK. She's really scared, as she floats, but she finally lets the rope go and gets to the bottom.

Both Chip/Reichen and Kelly/Jon must now choose a marked car and drive to Underwater World in Mooloolaba.

Fast Forwarding now starts to seem like slo-mo for Dave/Jeff. Eventually they get the girl on the board. Jeff says he has problems because it's 20 degrees warmer then he's used to. THAT'S A PROBLEM? Wanna switch climates, buddy?

They get it done though. The pit stop is revealed as the Mooloolaba Yacht Club.

The clowns have made it to the detour, and Jon is first to go... but Al is having second thoughts.

Chip/Reichen and Jon/Kelly are on their way to Underwater World. Somehow, Chip/Reichen screw up, allowing Jon/Kelly to get there first.

Al musters up the courage to get down and John is very proud.

Jon/Kelly and Chip/Reichen are neck and neck when they get to the clue box, which is a ROADBLOCK!

One team member has to don SCUBA gear, walk across the floor of the live species aquarium, find a treasure chest, grab the clue, then get back.

Oh, and there are sharks. No big deal, I figure.

Reichen and Jon decide to do it for their respective duos.

Dive master to Jon: "And you're not allowed to stand on the sharks underwater. Otherwise they'll bite you". The reaction on Jon's face is priceless. He's first in, and Reichen is in shortly thereafter.

Jon is so concentrated on the treasure chest that he doesn't notice the wonderful sea life around him. On the way back, Jon passes Reichen and says his eyes are open very very wide... Reichen, however, decides to unlink his arms (the Dive master said not to) and comes dangerously close to being bitten.

Jon is first out, with Reichen close behind. Teams must now travel on foot to the Mooloolaba Yacht club. Dave/Jeff arrive first at the yacht club, and they've one a FLOKATI RUG! No, not really. A trip to Mexico.

Kelly/Jon are running around trying to figure out where to go. However, Chip/Reichen are considering driving... wait, they're getting into the car... they're driving a way... yes...

THEY'VE PULLED A "HEATHER AND EVE"!

A "Heather and Eve" occurs when you decide to use an automobile because you can't acknowledge the clue reads "ON FOOT". This eliminated these two in AR3.

The clowns are now speeding towards Underwater World, but once Al is in the tank, he's going VERY slow.

While running, Jon/Kelly are passed by Chip/Reichen, which causes Kelly to exclaim that "They didn't walk!". Right you are. As a result, when they get to the pit stop, Chip/Reichen are told they are the second team to arrive, but are assessed a penalty of 5 minutes for the time they gained in driving, and 30 minutes for their mistake. If the other teams make it within 35 minutes, they're out.

Jon/Kelly are now the third to arrive, but move up to second with the Chip/Reichen penalty.

The clowns are now done... and the clowns arrive. They are informed of the penalty, but it's not enough to cover how far they were behind. They've been eliminated. Excuse me for a second.

Lucy: WAAH! Ricky!

I miss them already.

NEXT TIME: Hopping with kangaroos, jockeying for position, falling in dune buggies.

EPISODE 11
Last time: The roadblock is quite a chill! Breaking boards, what a thrill! Chip/Reichen looking quite ill! And Dave/Jeff look like they'll take a spill - out of the race, but they're saved by a non-elimination leg.

(roll titles)

We're into serious business here - one of these teams will win $1 Million.

Kelly/Jon are first to go at 3.45 am. Their first task is to find Hangang Park, on Yeouido Island. Once there, they must pull on the string of a traditional Korean kite to receive their next clue.

Kelly/Jon's first taxi driver doesn't speak any English. So they try another, with the same results, but they take it anyway, because they don't want to get stuck behind...

Chip/Reichen, who leave ten minutes later. Both taxi don't have English speaking drivers - this should prove interesting!

Jon/Al (go clowns!) leave at 4.04. And they get a taxi driver who speaks perfect English! Chip/Reichen are starting to get antsy with their driver. Kelly/Jon decided to stop at a hotel, get directions, and get a new taxi to boot.

The clowns are the first to the kites. Chip/Reichen are starting to get PO'd at their driver, to which I say "Welcome to the race, guys".

The clowns are also the first to find out their next destination is Brisbane, Australia! They then have to find a specific hotel, check in with the concierge, and be escorted to the penthouse suite.

Reichen/Chip are second to get to the clue. Jon of Jon/Kelly fame starts pulling on the main kite string, and actually breaks part of it. Well done, dingbat.

Dave/Jeff are last to leave at 5.15. Jon/Kelly do get the clue eventually.

The clowns are in the lead at the airport, but discover that ticketing doesn't start until 6 am. Dave/Jeff get the kite clue.

Kelly/Jon are stuck driving in a fog. The clowns are calling a travel agency but find out that their previous reservation (not shown in detail) is the best way to go. Or so it might seem.

Chip/Reichen go and get a Singapore Airlines flight, which will get them in quicker than the clowns. Jon/Kelly then proceed to get the same flight.

The clowns are the only ones at the Korean Airlines gate and are starting to wonder where everyone else is.

They'd be waiting to go on the Singapore Airlines flight, then. Where Dave/Jeff are now flying out of as well.

And then all flights are delayed due to heavy fog. The clowns are reassured by a worker that the flight will leave on time - otherwise, they could miss their connection.

The fog has now lifted, and Chip/Reichen, Dave/Jeff and Jon/Kelly board their plane.

John realizes that he and Al are in trouble as their flight is near the very end of the queue to leave... and they ask a passenger if the flight is delayed - which it is! Two hours, in fact.

So they go looking for another flight - and find the one that everyone else is on. And we're starting to cut it close, they might make it... but due to security reasons, they can't get on. They figure this may be the end.

After the break, the clowns land a direct flight to Brisbane. They take the time to clown around and amuse themselves and those in the general area.

Dave/Jeff, Kelly/Jon, Chip/Reichen all land in Brisbane. Dave/Jeff had decided to go for the Fast Forward, which entails passing a local lifeguard test. They have to pull a swimmer out of the water and return her to the beach.

Chip/Reichen are next out in a taxi, and Jon/Kelly take a commuter train. And they're pleased, because there's bumper to bumper traffic. But Chip/Reichen are the first to the penthouse, with Jon/Kelly close behind.

And it's time for a DETOUR!

FACE FIRST: rappel face first down the side of a hotel building. FOOT FIRST: walk down the stairs, find another hotel, walk up the stairs.

Both teams decide to go for face first.

The clowns have now landed. Dave/Jeff are still driving to FF. Chip and Jon start their respective rappelling, and get it done quickly.

Dave/Jeff arrive at the beach for their FF. It's not as easy as it seems, though. The waves are high, it's tough paddling, and they're getting nowhere fast.

Back at the hotel, it looks like Reichen won't have problems, but Kelly might. She can't even make a fist because of the injury sustained breaking boards. Reichen finishes first between he and Kelly, while Kelly is STUCK. She's really scared, as she floats, but she finally lets the rope go and gets to the bottom.

Both Chip/Reichen and Kelly/Jon must now choose a marked car and drive to Underwater World in Mooloolaba.

Fast Forwarding now starts to seem like slo-mo for Dave/Jeff. Eventually they get the girl on the board. Jeff says he has problems because it's 20 degrees warmer then he's used to. THAT'S A PROBLEM? Wanna switch climates, buddy?

They get it done though. The pit stop is revealed as the Mooloolaba Yacht Club.

The clowns have made it to the detour, and Jon is first to go... but Al is having second thoughts.

Chip/Reichen and Jon/Kelly are on their way to Underwater World. Somehow, Chip/Reichen screw up, allowing Jon/Kelly to get there first.

Al musters up the courage to get down and John is very proud.

Jon/Kelly and Chip/Reichen are neck and neck when they get to the clue box, which is a ROADBLOCK!

One team member has to don SCUBA gear, walk across the floor of the live species aquarium, find a treasure chest, grab the clue, then get back.

Oh, and there are sharks. No big deal, I figure.

Reichen and Jon decide to do it for their respective duos.

Dive master to Jon: "And you're not allowed to stand on the sharks underwater. Otherwise they'll bite you". The reaction on Jon's face is priceless. He's first in, and Reichen is in shortly thereafter.

Jon is so concentrated on the treasure chest that he doesn't notice the wonderful sea life around him. On the way back, Jon passes Reichen and says his eyes are open very very wide... Reichen, however, decides to unlink his arms (the Dive master said not to) and comes dangerously close to being bitten.

Jon is first out, with Reichen close behind. Teams must now travel on foot to the Mooloolaba Yacht club. Dave/Jeff arrive first at the yacht club, and they've one a FLOKATI RUG! No, not really. A trip to Mexico.

Kelly/Jon are running around trying to figure out where to go. However, Chip/Reichen are considering driving... wait, they're getting into the car... they're driving a way... yes...

THEY'VE PULLED A "HEATHER AND EVE"!

A "Heather and Eve" occurs when you decide to use an automobile because you can't acknowledge the clue reads "ON FOOT". This eliminated these two in AR3.

The clowns are now speeding towards Underwater World, but once Al is in the tank, he's going VERY slow.

While running, Jon/Kelly are passed by Chip/Reichen, which causes Kelly to exclaim that "They didn't walk!". Right you are. As a result, when they get to the pit stop, Chip/Reichen are told they are the second team to arrive, but are assessed a penalty of 5 minutes for the time they gained in driving, and 30 minutes for their mistake. If the other teams make it within 35 minutes, they're out.

Jon/Kelly are now the third to arrive, but move up to second with the Chip/Reichen penalty.

The clowns are now done... and the clowns arrive. They are informed of the penalty, but it's not enough to cover how far they were behind. They've been eliminated. Excuse me for a second.

Lucy: WAAH! Ricky!

I miss them already.

NEXT TIME: Hopping with kangaroos, jockeying for position, falling in dune buggies.

EPISODE 12


Last time: The clowns develop stress. Jon becomes a pest. Jeff/Dave find their life guarding skills aren't the best. Reichen hunts for an underwater chest, and then they have penalties assessed. And the clowns are put to the test, but are done and eliminated.

(roll titles)

For the purpose of my typing skills, teams will now be shortened to just to their initials (ie. D/J for Dave/Jeff). Speaking of which...

D/J leave first at 10.41 pm. They must drive to the Aussie Wool Shed in Ferny Hills - and then look in wool for their clue. Their strategy all along was to Fast Forward in leg 11 and increase their lead in this leg.

K/J leave at 10.59. Kelly says she and Jon fight but it has made them stronger.

R/C leave at 11.33 pm. They are happy to still be in the race. Chip says he and Reichen want to prove each other that they know what they're doing.

D/J are first, K/J second, then C/R are third at the woolshed, and they're all stars on CBS new CBS sitcom "Clumping". The shed isn't open until 6 am.

Fast Forward to 6 AM. Kelly asks Chip if he's chipper - she loves pushing C/R to the limit. All teams quickly pick a woolshed and try to pull the wool over each other's eyes! HA!

Kelly says it smells like butt. That's nice, dear.

D/J thought they'd find the clue easily. In fact, K/J get it first. They need to fly to Cairns, and go to the Wild World Zoo. They're quite happy to be first.

D/J are now going through for the second time. C/R are second to leave.

Following the ads, D/J find their clue. K/J are first to the airport and get a flight on Qantas at 7.45 am. C/R do the old J/K trick: "Can we just do the same thing they did?". D/J aren't too far behind.

J/K talk about the "airport equalizer" - everyone catches up. It's a race to the vehicle. And the drag racing begins. The game of cat and mouse is afoot! Chip can't pass anyone and it's really annoying him!

Teams arrive at the Wild world to discover that there's a task to be done. They must grab a Kodak easy share camera to take a picture of one teammate feeding a fish stick - no, wait, a fish *on a stick* - to a fifteen foot croc. Then go to the souvenir shop, develop the pic at the printer dock and get the next clue.

But what's this? K/J walk RIGHT BY THE CAMERA... and D/J are nice enough not to point this out, so K/J get to go to the back of the line. This leads to fighting.

Dave feeds the fish, Jeff takes the pic. Then Reichen snaps Chip, and then Kelly snaps Jon. Or snaps at him - your choice.

D/J are first to get the clue - time to head to Wangetti Beach. K/J are second because C/R can't work the printer dock correctly.

In their car, D/J proclaim that they want to win, while K/J apologize to each other.

D/J arrive at the beach - it's a detour.

SADDLE: explore 1.5 mile beach for a cluster of clue envelopes. But there are four clusters, and only one has the clue. PADDLE: inflate a kayak, paddle out to a buoy.

D/J take horses. Jon has driven by Wangetti Beach. Quel surprise. C/R are second to the beach and go for horses. One of C/R says that he "loves horses" in a way that would indicate to me that he's had some Foster's on the way. This becomes a running gag for my friends.

D/J go right on the beach, while C/R go left. K/J are going nowhere as they've passed the beach.

At this point, the power went out. Thank goodness for the Canadian Outdoor Life Network's Sunday rerun show!

C/R are first to a cluster - but it's the wrong one! D/J get to a second cluster - which is also wrong. D/J arrive at the third one and it's the correct one. They must now drive 35 miles to the town of Julatin and find "off road rush".

J/K finally arrive and go for horses. And they wisely follow C/R, who pass D/J, who are having quite a bit of problems.

C/R find the fourth cluster and it's wrong and then find the right one. In their anxiety to get out quickly, Chip runs over Reichen's foot. This is not good, but they carry on. Then Chip yells at Reichen? Yeesh.

J/K finally get their clue. C/R get out and ask for directions and get some, while J/K don't.

D/J are first at the Road Block. One player per team gets into a dune buggy and drives through a marked course. David is the first to go, and he GUNS IT!

J/K stop for more directions and have better luck. C/R find off road rush and are not quite there yet when D/J finishes. Chip's doing it for the married couple team.

D/J must now drive to Ellis Beach, the next pit stop. Methinks Chip needs more practice -he spins out and they have to wait for a new buggy. Cue expletives. But he finishes, and they're off to the Pit Stop.

K/J are far behind, but they're at the Road Block now. Kelly wants to go because it's her turn, but she can't wipe the smile off of Jon's face, so she lets him do it - she says he's like a kid in a candy storee. And he's off... no... he's stalled... and he's going now. He's giving it all he's got, until he FLIPS THE BUGGY and there's real panic.

Thankfully he's okay, and he finishes shortly thereafter.

At the beach, D/J are team number one and win a European Vacation - and they didn't even have to go on Pig in a Poke!

Second to the beach are C/R, and Chip says he's seeing a different Reichen then before.

That means that the last team to the beach is K/J, but leg 12 is NEVER elimination town, so they're still in it. Kelly says that she and Jon have decided they'll never have kids because they don't want them to inherit their stupidity.

NEXT TIME: It's the SEASON FINALE! Jon's naked! David jumps out of a plane! And one team will win ELEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS! Or something like that. Sadly it won't be me :)

EPISODE 13
In the last twelve episodes, twelve teams set out from Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles in a race around the world. They conquered fears and endured devastating setbacks. One by one - Debra/Steve, Amanda/Chris, Cindy/Russell, Weezer and Geezer, Big Fat Guys (their nickname, not mine), The Supremes, The Models, Millie/Chuck, and the clowns (sniff) - fell by the wayside. Still competing are best friends David and Jeff, engaged couple Kelly and Jon, and married couple Chip and Reichen. And in the next hour, one of them will win ONE MILLION DOLLARS (before taxes!). Advice to the other two - if someone offers you a spot on the "surreal life", I've got three words for you...

TURN THEM DOWN!

(roll titles)

Heading into the last leg, David/Jeff (D/J) have the lead and depart at 1.47 am, making their way to an aboriginal cultural park where they will participate in a ceremony in which they'll get their next clue.

Jeff comments that they've made the least amount of mistakes by a team so far. This then segues brilliantly into a bit where he can't close the door. This is why they're nominated for an Emmy!

Reichen and Chip (C/R) are second at 2.14 am. Reichen says most teams didn't expect them to make it this far because other perceive gays as very "queenish".

D/J arrive at the park to find out that it's not open until 6 am.

"Hello, Lead? Is that you? Yeah, see you later."

Kelly/Jon (K/J) leave last at 2.38 am. Kelly can't believe that they're still in it, because in her words, "we're so stupid". I'll leave that one alone then.

6 am arrives, and the ceremony starts. Kelly says it's nice to stop and slow down - to take their minds off of the race for a bit. Teams then get their clue, which states that they must drive themselves to the General Aviation Terminal at the Cairns airport.

On the road again... just can't wait to get on the road again... Jon flips the bird at C/R. Chip retaliates by passing... and then they SPIN OUT! I think I actually heard K/J's cameraman laugh. Reichen comments that "you can't do that again". Well, DUH!

D/J are first to the terminal... and it's time for the last DETOUR!

WING IT: tandem skydive at 10,000 feet. WANDER IT: drive a boat, then walk to "wing it" drop zone.

Well, the placement of this challeng is interesting... if it was at the start, you'd have alot of wanderers, but it's not, so everyone's winging it.

Reichen comments that he'd rather jump then be in the back seat of a car when Chip is driving. Kelly can't believe how nervous she is.

D/J are first out, followed by a somewhat panic stricken Kelly with her fiancee Jon in second, and C/R third. All six players seem to have enjoyed themselves, save for Kelly, who may have revisited "pooville" (remember Holland?). Teams must now fly to Hawai'i - we're getting close to the finish!

En route to the airport, D/J determine that their best option would be to go through Sydney. K/J go into the international terminal as well. C/R however have gone to domestic - they say that Qantas will help you anywhere.

Kelly inquires at ticketing and she finds out that there's a flight to Sydney leaving in minutes, but that would cause them to miss the connection to Honolulu. D/J don't know that though, as they're still going to the home of the 2000 Olympics. This is NOT looking good for them.

C/R are of course at a different ticket counter, and get the same flight as K/J - both are going to Honolulu after passing through Tokyo. Cut to D/J in Sydney, and they've come to the conclusion that they're getting nowhere fast. They try to get through with JAL, but all their connectors have already left to Japan. They spend a further three hours trying to make the connection, but are out of luck and have to wait until the next morning.

Once the flight lands in Tokyo, both C/R and K/J have 45 minutes to connect. C/R get good directions in the airport and K/J don't, because they end up getting on a tram which they shouldn't (even after the lady who gave them directions catches up to them to try to correct her mistake). C/R catch the appropriate bus link, while Kelly chews out Jon. They do however, get help from a nice Japanese lady, who calls a special bus and tells the driver to step on it.

It's VERY TIGHT... C/R get on the flight, and with all their pleading and help from the Japanese lady, are out of luck.

Oh dear.

They do get another flight, but they're now 70 flight minutes behind C/R, who are in first and find their marked car quickly outside of the terminal. They are quickly stuck in traffic en route to the Southernmost point in the US, Kaluana Bay.

Incidentally, I now live about 20 minutes away from the most Easterly point in the Western Hemisphere. Just a tidbit about my ever so changing life...

Meanwhile, D/J are very far behind - still in Sydney, in fact. K/J arrive in Hawaii. And R/C are first to the last ROAD BLOCK. One person has to swim out in the Pacific (?), dive down, grab a heavy rock, bring it back, and use a chisel to get at the clue.

Chip starts the swim, and boy, is that rock heavy. He's having a hard time with the chiselling though. K/J are catching up, but not before C/R are sent to Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, for the next clue.

Jon is doing the RB for he and Kelly. He says that he doesn't want to get his underwear wet, so on a dare, he GOES NEKKED! Kelly says not to "damage the merchandise" - which was an actual 'quote of the week' in the Toronto Star. I personally pity the poor scuba diver who was filming.

"It's like Adam, buidling his first house!" says Kelly, and with that, they're done. And so is my dinner.

C/R arrive at the National Park to find out that they must next find the USS Arizona's anchor, in Phoenix - their final destination city! But K/J aren't to far behind.. and both teams get a flight to Honolulu, and then the same one to Phoenix. While waiting, C/R secure front row seats on the plane, with K/J four rows back. In the same vein of thinking, they find out EXACTLY where the anchor is located (street address). K/J try to do the same thing, with a varying degree of success.

C/R are first off the plane but both teams get to the taxi stand at relatively the same time. Jon starts flashing $100 bills at the cabbie so that he'll go fast, and likewise for C/R. K/J are somewhat lost and have to ask for directions. C/R are first to the anchor, and tell the driver to get to the Southeast entrance of Sun Devil Stadium. K/J are second, and after Jon runs into a brick fence (ouch), they're off to the stadium.

C/R arrive at the stadium to find out that they've got to solve a riddle:

Happy Valentine's Day + White + White.

This translates to the numbers of two retired players, and the answer is their clue, located in Section 214, Row 33, Seat 11.

They hustles their brains... while K/J are getting closer. C/R do find 214-33-11, and find the clue (please make it harder to find next time!), and must now go to the Western entrance of Papago Park, where they'll find bikes to ride to the FINISH LINE!!

J/K arrive, and Jon actually finds one of the "Whites" on the stadium wall, enabling them to make up time - but will it be enough?

And here's the final chase! Look at those cabbie bribes fly! Yellow lights being run!

Wait... someone's out of the cabs... and they're on the bikes! And there's all of the eliminated teams! We seem them in knockout order.

And wait once more... a second team is on the bikes... but the first team is already there!

I'll let Phil Koeghan, our esteemed host, take it from here.

"Four continents. Twenty four cities. Forty four thousand miles...

... Reichen and Chip, you are the official winners of The Amazing Race! You are the winners of the million dollars."

Chip states that it was hard to open up to other teams... but that they are Americans, teammates, and just happen to be gay.

Jon/Kelly get off their bikes soon after... and Phil announces that they are the second team to arrive. And because of the race, their relationshiop is more rock solid than ever.

Cut to: Hawaii Volcanoes National Park. David and Jeff open their route marker to find out the results. Jeff says it sucks coming in third. My personal disappointment would be not finishing the race, actually.

CUe the mass hysteria in Phoenix! Reichen/Chip and Kelly/Jon engage in group hugs, and then there's a group to be had!

And that's all!

POSTLUDE

Thank you readers, for reading my recaps, as always. I really have fun writing them, and I hope I communicate my thoughts well. This has been a different type of show to recap but I have enjoyed it immensely.

Thank you as well to the wonderful amount of support I receive from all of the stormseeker.com staff, especially Gordon and Jason.

And finally, thank you to CBS and Jerry Bruckheimer productions, among others, who help bring "The Amazing Race" into my home. That being said...

HELP SAVE THE AMAZING RACE!!!

It has been reported, in various media outlets such as Entertainment Weekly, that CBS may not pick up The Amazing Race for a fifth series. It has been said that the show is a critical darling (EW gave it an "A" - rare in their grading) but it doesn't have the viewers that something like "Survivor" does (which is a shame).

You, the viewer, can help. Here's what you can do. Call or write your local affiliate, or CBS themselves. Remember the key is to BE POSITIVE. Make sure to tell them WHY YOU LIKE THE SHOW, and please do it in a positive way. Don't for example, make comparisons, saying that you like AR much more than show X or Y.

You can make a difference. Help CBS see that this is a show that so many of us love.

Thank you!