imported

Murder on the Hill

Savages? Monsters?
Satan incarnate himself?
I need to understand.
Charles Manson?
Somebody please help!

Who knew what evil lived on this hill?
The devil lived across the street??
Demons, madness..Satan himself?
My God how could I not know this?
How could I be so blind?
A brother murders his sister?
No one saw it coming?
This happened somewhere else.
To another family.
It could not have been mine.
Not the house I ate cupcakes in.
Not the children that would swim
Ride bikes and make mud pies
Play hide and go seek
Catching lightening bugs
And as teenagers,
Eventually expirementing with drugs.
No I won't and don't accept this
A mistake a misunderstanding?
Confusion but not murder.
Not this family. Not this hill.
From this day forward
No more ill will?
Still how can we say that?
We didn't see this coming.
I know how.
There is none of us left standing.
There is no one left to knock down.
And the worst of all?
I am afraid, my cousin Jan,
Will never see Jesus and his crown.

She did not worhip our Father
She did not embrace him as Lord
And now as the breath
Has left her forever
Please Jesus love her
Show mercy
Even after her death.

Let Me Go~jen

So this is despair?
My yoke I'm to bear,
Air that is tainted with death.
If so let me go and join those I loved
Let me lay down upon their graves.

Last night the blade of a knife
Cruelly robbed them so early of life
Now no amount of knawing
No time spent thrashing
Even begins to eliminate my strife.

So if this be my life, stripped raw
Naked and void of all emotion
Then so be it. I won't fight it.
I don't have the strentgh
I don't entertain such notion

But rather let me join them.
I promise, you will not hear me complain
Let me join my family that died last night
My loved ones who were butchered and slain
Let me follow the footsteps of those that are gone
That left us with the horror, the shame.and self-blame

But the nightmares and agony
The hearts that have broken
There are no comforting words to be spoken.
There is no emotional barometer to measure
The degree of sadness or depth to their hurt
No prayer, no plea exists, as of yet
There is no such treasure nothing is left
To quiet the moans to console,
To convince or even to cherish
Nothing gives us any form of closure
Not for the loved ones who perished

Only the cries of anguish continue to be heard
Only relatives that are completely destroyed,
Left but mere shells of human beings
That continue to be hollow and disturbed.

Take the blood soaked clothes and vacant stares
That consumed us when my loved one was murdered
Robbed of Life at such an early age
By her brother, my cousin, the murderer
The sorrows never-ending, continue to be
As vast and steadfast as the ocean
Tears that stream into infinity?
As my family tries to so very hard to survive
And continue to go through the motions.

And You Say you Want to Move

summer 2003~jen

You say you want to move in?
well..in addtion to being a sin
I don't even have a drawer
I can give up..to put your clothes in

And you want a place in my heart?
There's no room there either
Don't even start..
I can tell you right now..
I've been accused of being cold...
When it comes to matters of the heart.

So think this all aver
In fact ...think it twice
there's someone for you
Someone whose nice...

Someone who'll love you
Through thick and thin
But don't look at me
I wouldn't know where to begin! .

~jen

Dedicated to my Uncle Herbert, who is 97!

Brain Dead at 92

With each passing birthday
I dutifully chalk up another year
But tell me how it is possible
The older I get the less intelligent I feel?

I thought growing older meant we got wiser
Made excellent use of our brain.
I thought that...it was our reward
For putting up with the wrinkles
And having to live with the weight gain.

But now when I 'm upstairs
I go downstairs to do a chore
Get downstairs ..only to go back upstairs
So I can remember what I came down for!

I want to be sage and wise and mature
But I feel like I'm regressing
Not moveing forward at all
Before long I'll need help with my dressing.

That say with age that things get better
I hope for my sake that they do..
If I continue?... At the rate I'm going?
I'll be brain dead by 92!

As Always, I remain~jen

"My Breasts"

I am a double amuputee you see
Finding out I had breast cancer
Was not the life I had dreamed for me

After eight surgeries over the course of two years..
I was left with a faint memory of what it use to be
But the memory of the woman I was
And copious amounts of tears.
Only left me accompanied by fear.

The first thing that goes through you mind
Is God don't let me die
Then you are sent home
and you are left with pain and scars
And the lies.....yes the lies
The lies that the Dr. told me
Oh yes we can make you like brand new.

But just as a warrior looses in battle both legs
My once source of pleasure and goodness
Has unfairly been taken away.......
The pleasure is explained without saying
The goodness I felt from breast feeding my child
Little did I know that forever would I change
And never feel that feeling
That only a "whole" woman can explain.

I have no have feeling in my chest
Just butchered and horrible medical mistakes
That have left with me sorrow and longing
And made it impossible to feel ever again
Like a real woman ...a whole woman
But rather empty and resolved
That is my woman's fate...
Certainly never what I had dreamed of.
But have thought about much of late.

Obessissive Compulsive Behavior~jen

Twist it ..turn it..
check it.. and see
Just one more time
Maybe this time I'll see...

That it's locked
Shut ..emptied or full
Locked away
Opened up
content with my rule

Obessive ? Compuslive? Behavior?
They say...I get it..I know now..
I Can't "make" it go away

So I feel it
And click it
And pull it until
Maybe just maybe..
I can walk away?
By my own free will?

But always and always
I continue to be drawn
Back to the same regiment
that lasts ....
Sometimes until dawn....

Will I ever get over this?
Will I ever break free?
Of the locking ..checking...
and make sures and sees..

I know what they say
I know there's no cure..
Obsessive?..Compuslive?..Behavior?
Shall rule.....

So forever I'm trapped.
Can't find a way out
Constantly looking and locking
And checking...to see...
If maybe just maybe this time
Will serve
My insatiable appetite .
One last "look see" for sure...
Or perhaps?..Will this time?
I pray this time?.....
Even a cure?
From Obssessive Compusive Behavior
That forever and ever
I shall always endure...
Never break free....
Never find my way out...
Constantly searching
Always in doubt....

Where Do We Go From Here?..~jen

Where do we go from here?
What if we take the wrong path
What if we choose the wrong journey
what if we can't find our way back?

Where do we go from here?
I truly do not know
I just know I can't stay
And I don't know how to let go

You know we have been at this crossroad before
I don't know if we made the right choice
But when it comes to thinking about it outloud
I can not find a voice.....jen

Deliver Me From Evil

Denial
nausea
sadness
grief

No rhyme
No reason
No comfort
Disbelief

God?
Please...
Deliver me
Help me release.
I don't have to understand
Just let me find some peace.

Help me be strong
I'm so depended on by the weak
They look to me for comfort
It is me they constantly seek

Give me strength to hold them up
My heart wants to break.
I can't bare this alone
Please God for Christ's sake

By his stripes, we shall be healed
Please deliver me from evil
Let me feel divine love
Let me taste it
Let me feel.

solitude
gratitude
obedience
praise
loyalty
devotion
steadfast
grace

Touch my soul, please Father
Lift my spirits up
As only you our Lord can do
Help me bare this weight
I can't do it without you.

Hey Mister

Hey Mister? Gimme a nickel..Gimme a dime.
I'll give you the world's finest shoe shine.
I'll take what every price you'll pay..
I just got to take home some money today.

Hey Mister? Gimme a nickel ..Gimme a dime
Take a seat, sit back and relax,
Let me grab my rag, my polish and wax.
You and your shoes are in for a treat!
There's not a shine around that I can't beat
You won't recognize these shoes in a minute
And if it don't suit you, if it's not good enough...
I'll get down on that shine and really get tough!

Hey Mister? Gimme a nickel ..Gimme a dime.
I got to take money back home on time
My daddy is drunk. He's not worth two cents
Mama never makes enough turning tricks!
I need this money for food, my baby sister's sick
Mama will be sick as well, if she don't get her fix..

Hey Mister? Can I give you a shine?
You can pay a nickel or dime.
I 'll take whatever I can get.
It way past supper time
I haven't eaten yet.

Mama won't be home until late
Daddy won't even know his name
I got to help my sister you see?
I'm doing the best I can, Mister please?
I know it's a shame. I'm begging on my knees
I'll shine your shoes better than ever
You won't regret it , wait and see!
Hey Mister? a nickel or maybe a dime?
If you got the money, all I got is time.

Ben and Jen's Song...~jen

october 2003

People hiding behind their masks,
Under a cybernet sun they bask.
Chained to their screens, they type away,
Hoping that today is the day.

Looking for love, for comfort, for cheer,
Whispered words in their cyber ear.
"Tell me I’m lovely, I’m gifted, I’m young",
One side of the globe to the other, far flung.

Hands that can’t touch. Eyes that can’t see,
Still, fingertips type, in hopes that maybe . . .
One day they’ll find it, there on the screen,
Some small bit of love, overlooked and unseen.

Tales from across the sea!