Mels exercise in characters :
Hi everyone, I am going to post my questions to my imaginery characters here
for now. I will write in the blanks later on for my three characters,
but knowing me this is likely to grow.
1. What is your name and age?
2. What do you like to eat?
3. Are you married?
4. Do you have children?
5. Where do you live?
6. What is your favourite TV programme?
7. Do you enjoy going to the pub?
8. Who is your favourite personality?
9. Who don't you like?
10. Are you affluent?
11. Are you intelligent?
12. Can you do DIY?
13. Do you believe in ghosts?
14. Have you ever seen a UFO?
15. What inspires you?
16. What bores you?
17. Do you watch sport of any kind?
18. What is the silliest thing you have ever done?
19. Do you have a criminal record?
20. Have you ever taken drugs?
21. Can you drive?
22. Who would you vote for?
23. Have you ever given money to charity?
24. Where would you like to be in twenty years time?
25. Do you have many friends?
26. Do you like to travel?
27. If you were to be re-incarnated what creature would you like to be?
28. What music and films do you like?
29. Are you prone to psychotic outbursts?
30. Are you comfortable with technology?
31. You're not going to hit me with that baseball bat are you? Are you? HEEElllpppp!(just
a laugh this one :-)
I enjoyed this little exercise and can't wait to interrogate a couple of
imaginery victims. You know me I just had to ask a couple of the bizarre
ones lol.
John Wiles waited expectantly for his guest to
arrive. As part of Xom Cola he needed good feedback from a diverse
social group and he was keen to get underway. Soon a loud crack on
his office door alerted him to his guests presence. Hastily he got
to his feet and ushered in his first guest. The pleasantries were soon
exchanged and at last the questionnaire could begin.
"My name is John Wiles and this questionnaire is devised by Acorn Marketing
for a new product for Xom cola. For your consideration here is my card
and you will be eligible for fifty pounds for taking the take to come and
visit us."
The guest nodded impatiently before adding.
"Ok get on with it will ya."
"Right you are sir there are thirty diverse questions and the first is :
What is your name and age?"
"My name is John Harris and I am thirty nine years old."
"Ok thank you John and : What do you like to eat?"
"Red meat."
"Fine and: Are you married?"
"Who the hell is going to marry me after being inside for twenty years."
"Do you have any children?"
"You taking the piss?"
"Apologies John but these questions are pre-set now: Where do you live?"
"Thanks to Her Majesty's pleasure in a poxy grubby little flat."
"Ahem now: What is your favourite TV programme?"
"Humph, Porridge."
"Very funny sir, now.."
"You think I'm being funny do you? I'll show you bleeding funny."
"Forgive me John I mistook your seriousness: Do you enjoy going to the pub?"
"When I got the dosh yeah."
"Now then : Who is your favourite personality?"
"Now let me think, erm that Fred Elliot geezer on Coronation Street."
"Fine, fine now : Who don't you like?"
"Cozzers and grasses especially the **** who put me away. Needless
to say I'll be saying hi to him very soon, very bloody soon."
"Quite now : Are you affluent?"
"That means rich don't it? Not at this precise time, but let's just
say that may change in the near future."
"Right : Are you intelligent?"
"I aint no bleeding brain surgeon, well I have operated on a brain but not
in a medical capacity if you get my drift. I can make people tell me
what I want if I need to, so I guess I am kind of clever in me own way."
A cruel grin spread over John's face as he recalled some poor unfortunates
demise.
"Can you do DIY?"
"I think you need to look at my last answer for that mate."
"Certainly John : Do you believe in ghosts?"
"Better not, I'll be chased all over London by some old associates of mine
if I did."
"Ok : Have you ever seen a UFO?"
"Piss off."
"Sorry John but as I said these are laid out before hand now then :
What inspires you?"
"Pain, excitement and lots of dosh."
"Right What bores you?"
"Talking to boring ****** like you, satisfied."
"OK now Do you watch sport of any kind?"
"I love that boxing, did a bit meself inside. Not your Queensbury rules
mind."
"Erm :What is the silliest thing you have ever done?"
"Getting caught for ABH, police dropped the charges though."
"Right then sorry but I have to ask this : Do you have a criminal record?"
"Seeing as you apologised, I don't think I'd be in Her Majesty's finest for
nothing do you?"
"Have you ever taken drugs?"
"Only that wacky baccy."
"Yes, ok: Can you drive?"
"I can go as fast you like, the more you pay the quicker I go hehe."
"A political one now : Who would you vote for?"
"Liberals, my life would be easier."
"OK and : Have you ever given money to charity?"
"Yer, it's called my bleeding welfare."
"Ok now aspirations: Where would you like to be in twenty years time?"
"Out of prison."
"OK and: Do you have many friends?"
"Friends, oh yes lots of friends. People get very friendly inside,
you'd be more than welcome I can promise you."
John blew a kiss to his inquisitor.
"OK moving swiftly on now: Do you like to travel?"
"I'd love to move to spain, lovely little Costa Del Sol would do me luvvly."
"If you were to be reincarnated what creature would you like to be?"
"A pitbull, no one would mess with me. Not that they do now mind you."
"OK right now entertainment: What music and films do you like?"
"Ere that's two questions. Anyway heavy metal, bit of that Gun's N
Rose's is ******* great. My favourite film has to be Shawshank Redemption."
"Now: Are you prone to psychotic outbursts?"
"Only if I don't like you and you are beginning to annoy me."
"OK, OK last question: Are you comfortable with technology?"
"I can't use one of them computer things. For my line of work all I
need is a mobile."
The interview was over and Wiles hastily handed Harris his fifty pounds.
Quickly he ushered him away and was greatly relieved when he had gone.
"I've got another three to interview yet, what are those clowns trying to
do to me?"
Quickly he settled himself down and knew that shortly his next guest would
be due.
John wiped the sweat from his brow. The interview
with Mr Harris was an ordeal he wouldn't forget in a hurry. His thoughts
were soon sharpened when a polite knock struck his office door.
'Ah, Miss Haynes' he mused to himself. Swiftly he opened the door and
they exchanged the usual pleasantries and it was time to press on with the
interview.
'Ok madam this shouldn't take too long and I shall press on as quick as I
can for you.'
His subject nodded and the interview began.
'What is your name and age?'
'My name is Jean Haynes and I am twenty four almost twenty five.'
'What do you like to eat?'
'Oh that's a hard one. It depends really I like pasta but that isn't
really my favourite. I love cucumber sandwiches but no. I think
my favourite is a nice thai curry.'
'OK right you are, now are you married?'
'If only, I am engaged and I am sure my Fred is the one, but I don't know
we've been engaged a long time now.'
'Do you have children?'
'Not yet but I will do when I'm older.'
'Where do you live?'
'Erm Dulwich.'
'What is your favourite TV programme?'
'I love telly and I don't have a favourite as such. Heartbeat, Eastenders
and Brideshead Revisited were and are my favourites. Oh yes I do enjoy
Fools and Horses as well.'
'Do you enjoy going to the pub?'
'Not really I prefer romantic nights in and going to nice restaurants.'
'Who is your favourite personality?'
'Erm probably Mel Gibson.'
'Who don't you like?'
'That awful comedian Chubby Brown which Fred watches.'
'Are you affluent?'
'My job as a P.A does pay rather well.'
'Are you intelligent?'
'I'd like to think so.'
'Can you do DIY?'
Oh no that's what my Fred does.'
'Do you believe in ghosts?'
'Oh yes. I saw one once in my old house when I was a little girl.
He was a friendly ghost though and my mind is definitely open to that idea.'
'Have you ever seen a UFO?'
No but my friend has. I'm sure we are not alone out there.'
'What inspires you?'
'Inspiration for me comes from nice people and romance. That really
makes my spirit come alive.'
'What bores you?'
'People who sit in front of computers all day and never go out. That
gets me down.'
'Do you watch sport of any kind?'
'Only Tennis, go on Tim.'
'What is the silliest thing you have ever done?'
'Oh you won't believe this but once I got on a tube and never paid.'
'Do you have a criminal record?'
'No, no, no.
'Have you ever taken drugs?'
'I never would. You never know what might happen.'
'Can you drive?'
I can ride a bicycle. I have tried to pass my test but my instructor
said I was too indecisive.'
'Who would you vote for?'
'I wouldn't as I can't decide who is best. I would probably vote for
Tony Blair as he is more handsome than Mr Howard.'
'Have you ever given money to charity?'
'Oh yes when I pass people with those tins I always give a pound or two.'
'Where would you like to be in twenty years time?'
'Married to my Fred in a nice house and some lovely children.'
'Do you have many friends?'
'Oh yes lots.'
'Do you like to travel?'
'Every summer we have a holiday to Italy.'
'If you were to be reincarnated what creature would you like to be?'
'I'd love to come back as a butterfly they are so pretty don't you think.'
'What music and films do you like?'
'I love Lionel Ritchie and anything with Mel in it.'
'Are you prone to psychotic outbursts?'
'Oh these questions do make me laugh. I only get annoyed when I might
be late.'
'Are you comfortable with technology?'
'I have to be as my job needs me to use a computer.'
'OK Miss Haynes here is the fifty pounds and good day to you.'
'Oh thank you byeeeee.'
John closed the door behind him and thought.
'First Mr Axe murderer then Miss Dizzy. How I can't wait for the next
one.'
He sat down rearranged his desk then waited nervously for his dose of excitement.
The door was knocked with a swift tap and it was
time for the interviews again. With trepidation John opened the door
and was greeted by a woman smartly dressed and seemingly in a hurry.
The pleasantries were soon dispensed with and the interview began
"OK madam I will begin now and ask you what is your name and age?"
"My name is Sarah Jane Parish."
"What do you like to eat?"
"I like food that can be served up fast. A quick stir fry is normally
adequate."
"Are you married?"
"Yes to my husband Jeff, an executive in the city."
"Do you have children?"
"Not at this I'm far too busy and I will not spend money frivolously on child
minders."
"Where do you live?"
"I live in Islington."
"What is your favourite TV programme?"
"I don't really have time for television but it would be the money programme
and sex in the city."
"Do you enjoy going to the pub?"
"Certainly not."
"Who is your favourite personality?"
"Sir John Harvey Jones. I found him inspirational when I was younger
and apply some of his methods at work"
"Who don't you like?"
"Dreamers and people who are not productive. Anyone who doesn't pull
their weight at my place soon leave."
"Are you affluent?"
"I'd like to think so."
"Are you intelligent?"
"I have several degrees and business qualifications so the answer you want
is yes."
"Can you do DIY?"
"No, I employ labourers for those tasks."
"Do you believe in ghosts?"
"Don't be ridiculous, rather a stupid question."
"Have you ever seen a UFO?"
"I thought this was supposed to be a serious questionnaire."
"What inspires you?"
"Ah now, inspiration for me comes from success and profitability."
"What bores you?"
"I don't have time to be bored. My day is planned out so every minute
is utilised."
"Do you watch sport of any kind?"
"I don't watch sport although on Thursday at 7.30 I play squash for an hour."
What is the silliest thing you have ever done?"
"Hmm a tough one, it would have to be going out with a poet once. I
have no time for those dreamers and I was young at the time."
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I should say not."
"Have you ever taken drugs?"
"Never."
"Can you drive?"
"My works demands that I drive."
"Who would you vote for?"
"Conservative."
"Have you ever given money to charity?"
"No people should learn to be self sufficient."
"Where would you like to be in twenty years time?"
"I know where I will be in twenty years time. A successful businesswoman
in charge of a very large company. Oh I am already a successful businesswoman
in case you wondered."
"Do you have many friends?"
"I have many city friends."
"Do you like to travel?"
"It is not important whether I like to travel only that I must."
"If you were to be reincarnated what creature would you like to be?"
"A pointless question which will receive no answer."
"What music and films do you like?"
"I don't watch films but I do like jazz and classical music."
"Are you prone to psychotic outbursts?"
"Only when I must upbraid someone for not giving 100%."
"Are you comfortable with technology?"
"Certainly."
"Ok well mrs Parish here is a cheque for £50 and many thanks for your
time."
"Yes, thank you and good day sir."
With that she left and John now waited for his final guest.
At last the final interview of the day. Half
past five and the door is rapped hard and fast. John rises to his feet
and is greeted by an odd site that will become clear as we go on. The
pleasantries are exchanged and nervously we press on.
'OK, right I think we'll start by asking you what is your name and age?'
'I am Barzon the third and I am three thousand years old.'
'What do you like to eat?'
'I have no necessetation to consume food, my lifeform has made such intake
redundant.'
'Are you married?'
'I have many partners and we are all joined.'
'Do you have children?'
'My offspring are prevelant and one day will rule all the universe.'
'Where do you live?'
'Far, far away in a distant galaxy which I call spot 3301124, a beautiful
place.'
'What is your favourite TV programme?'
'You humans enjoy primitive entertainment, my favourite is Buck Rogers as
it is so true to life.'
'Do you enjoy going to the pub?'
'Pub, pub, the notion is preposterous. We spotians have no need of
base refreshment.'
'Who is your favourite personality?'
'Me of course'!
'Who don't you like?'
'Anyone who doesn't conform to spotian code of existence.'
'Are you affluent?'
'Your ideas of capitalism are primitive to me, but if you were to look at
all that I have you would consider wealthy beyond measure.'
'Are you intelligent?'
'Your methods of measuring intelligence are far too inadequate to measure
my intellect. You would die in shock if you tried to measure it yourself.'
'Can you do DIY?'
'Put it this way, I built the craft that took me to your world in less than
one of your earth hours.'
'Do you believe in ghosts?'
'Ghosts are really alien beings spying on your world.'
'Have you ever seen a UFO?'
'Look outside your window and you will see mine. Oops sorry I forgot
you won't see it as I forgot to turn the cloaking device off.'
'What inspires you?'
'Galactic conquest.'
'What bores you?'
'I never get bored. My vast brain is always engaged.'
'Do you watch sport of any kind?'
'Yes, My favourite is Ganalian beast taming.'
'What is the silliest thing you have ever done?'
'In my days as a young spotian I accidentally vaporised a Halation colony
on Zaparra.'
'Do you have a criminal record'.
'Everything I do is above the law as I make the law.'
'Have you ever taken drugs?'
'No substance can affect a spotian.'
'Can you drive?'
'Throughout the universe.'
'Who would you vote for?'
'Your politicians are rendered inadequate when compared to one such as I.
Therefore it would have to be me.'
'Have you ever given money to charity?'
'When I deem a world worthy of conquest my improvements to that planet render
charity unnecessary.'
'Where would you like to be in twenty years time?'
'Seeing as we have mastered the art of time travel it is not a question worth
considering.'
'Do you have many friends?'
'Too many for you to comprehend. I can contact any of them instantly
across the cosmos through galactic telepathy.'
'Do you like to travel?'
'Of course. How else can I enrich poor creatures such as you.'
'If you were to be reincarnated what creature would you like to be?'
'I am the ultimate life form and have no need of reincarnation.'
'What music and films do you like?'
'I have already spoken of Buck Rogers. You're music is rather strange,
I find the music that you use in elevators most uplifting.'
'Are you prone to psychotic outbursts?'
'I am the emperor of the universe so as you can see I am beyond madness.'
'Are you comfortable with technology?'
'I create most of my own. If you doubt me come aboard my vessel and
I shall show you my own personal thandian bolt blaster for clearing asteroids.'
John was about to wish his three headed guest in the silver robe farewell
but was interrupted.
'I know it is time for the end as I have the ability to read your mind.
Consider your life enriched and enhanced by my arrival and look forward to
the day when we conquer your planet. I am looking for a few slaves
on my ship and you may be useful. Till that day farewell and stay alive
and keep your fifty pounds.'
With that Barzon vanished and teleported himself to his vessel. All
that was left for John now was to inspect the bags that all the visitors
left in reception. How forgetful of them all, even the great Barzon.
John made his way to reception and brought the
four bags to his office. The first one was a large brown sports bag
which was easily opened with a zip. John emptied the contents onto
the table and found the following:
A brown envelope containing lots of used twenty pound notes.
A bowie knife.
Several credit cards all with different names upon them.
A crude lump of solid iron.
A set of car keys.
A balaclava.
A letter from his parole officer.
A diary with several names highlighted and the words 'You'll get yours soon.'
Some tablets that aren't prescribed by the chemist.
Some greasy overalls and boots.
Hastily John placed the contents back within the bag before switching to
a small shopping bag. The contents within were numerous and were:
A small make-up bag
A personal mirror
A comb
A mobile phone thankfully switched off
An address book
Her street door keys
A romantic novel
A sandwich pack
A small bottle of orange juice
A Lionel Richie greatest hits CD
Carefully John placed the contents back inside before beginning the next
one the black briefcase.
Onto the desk came forth the following
A filofax
A book called 'How to be successful.'
Employee records
A picture of a man entitled 'My other'
Two tickets to the theatre
Several expensive pens
A folder containing details about a forthcoming presentation
Some cassettes for a dictaphone
A detailed list of events planned for the week ahead
A small directory of local businesses.
'How interesting' John mused to himself before stowing the goods away from
back where they came.
Finally the black sack of the great Barzon which revealed the following:
A book surprisingly written in English called 'How to enjoy the sights of
Spotia.
A strange long tube shaped like a gun with the words 'Danger do not use Earthman'!
A holographic record of his visits to other worlds.
A picture of Barzan
A communication device of some kind
A belt with the words 'personal teleporter' inscribed upon it.
Several strange ball shaped objects.
A small sphere entitled 'Galaxy bomb only use in extreme danger'!
A personal robot called Zephrom the fourth which was only three inches tall.
A box that said do not open in any circumstances.
Johns curiosity overcame him and the box opened and......nothing. After
several minutes John tired of waiting but the box then began to glow.
He went to close the box but too late he felt himself drawn into the tiny
box. His form shrank and he was consumed by the box and sent inside
and the lid slammed behind him. He was transported through a wyrmhole
to a distant planet called Spotia and found himself before the Great Barzon.
'Aah foolish human I knew you would be unable to resist the temptation.
Now you begin your new life as my personal slave!'