It was about five years ago. Granny Grubbymitts had just finished her Sunday dinner with us and Dad was ready to take her home. In fact Dad was ready to take Granny Grubbymitts home even before he'd picked her up in the first place.
On the way home, Granny told Dad to drop her off at the airport instead. Dad, seeing an opportunity to be rid of his Mother-in-law without the police being involved, obliged and raced to the airport at a speed reaching close to that of light. This was quite an achievment in a clapped out B registration Ford Escort.
Packing Granny on the first plane he could find, Dad waved a tearful goodbye (tears of joy they later turned out to be!) and skipped merrily back to his car, whistling a merry tune.
So Granny Grubbymitts, 64 and a touch arthritic, set off on her great adventure. The aeroplane turned out to be a cargo plane and Granny was sat between a coop of chickens and ten crates of bananas. It was a bumpy ride westward as the plane flew over France, Germany, Denmark, Iceland (the pilot took a wrong turn at Austria), back over England and all the way to Tibet. With a bump that sent the chickens into an egg laying frenzy, the small aeroplane touched down at Mt. Everest International Airport.
Granny Grubbymitts stretched her tired, liver spotted legs as she stood at the bottom of the tallest, most dangerous mountain in the world. Armed only with her zimmer frame, a packet of Fisherman's Friend and the relentless zeal of an old woman quickly approaching senility (but I love her!), Granny Grubbymitts began to climb.
Many people have attempted to climb Mt. Everest in the past and just as many who made it have died in the attempt. It was the greatest show of strength. Tiny, insignificant man against the powerful, chaotic forces of nature. Some would say Granny Grubbymitts didn't stand a chance. I would say "Hey Nature! I hope you're strapped in 'cos this is going to be one bumpy ride!"
With fierce, brute determination, Granny Grubbymitts gritted her teeth as the primeval forces of Mother Earth attempted to chuck the frail old dear off the side of the mountain. Avalanche after avalanche tumbled down upon my gran. The winds knocked her about like an old rag doll and snow storms blinded her but still the courageous geriatric battled on. Stange beasts stalked her through the day and danced around her campsite at night. An abominable snowmen tried to steal Granny's packet of Fisherman's Friend. It got a whacking around the head with a 10lb zimmer frame for its troubles.
The next day Nature tried one more offensive against my poor old gran. Winds battered her, rock falls threatened to crush her but my granny, hard, determined and her mind possibly feeling the effects of the cold carried on regardless until she finally reached the summit.
With a victory yell (causing countless avalanches that flattened whole villages) Granny Grubbymitts turned around, dropped her knickers and mooned at Nature. She was one granny primeval forces could never beat! Pulling up her knickers, Granny Grubbymitts entered the souvenier shop. After browsing for half an hour she bought a bookmark, a set of playing card, a keyring, a bouncy thing on a stick, some authentic yeti poo in a glass case and a T-shirt for me which had the legend 'My Gran climbed Everest and all she bought me was this lousy T-shirt!' emblazoned upon it.
After paying for her tacky goods she took the cable car back down the mountain and boarded the next flight home. Well, actually, she took a detour to Egypt where she discovered the lost tomb of the Pharoah Grotankamen but that's another story.