Jokes and funny stories!
Submitted by John, August 23-04
A man was driving through Oklahoma through an Indian Reservation and saw a sign that said: Two Miles Ahead - 90 Year Old Indian with Greatest Memory in the World. He didn't pay it much attention until he got up closer and saw a long line waiting to speak to the Indian. He decided to go ahead. After waiting for close to an hour, he got to the front of the line. He walked up to the Indian, and said "What did you have for breakfast on the morning of July 4th, 1952?" The Indian looked at him gravely and said "Eggs." The man got back in his car and drove away.
Five years later, driving on the same road, he saw the same sign that now said '95 Year Old Indian' and decided to stop. When he got to the front of the line, he held up his hand and said "How." The Indian looked at him and said, "Scrambled."
Submitted by Dawn, August 24-04
From Mom and Dad's collection of email jokes
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse, when Meierwitz lost $500 on a single hand! He clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up.
Finkelstein looked around and asked, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They drew straws and Goldberg picked the short one. They told him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me!"
Goldberg went over to the Meierwitz apartment, and knocked on the door. The wife answered and asked what he wanted. Goldberg declared: "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" said the wife.
"I'll go tell him", said Goldberg
Submitted by Jeremy
An Irish guy walks out of a bar ................................................................... ????????? HA HA HA HA HA RIGHT!!!Submitted by Mom?
An old farmer in Missouri had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some pear, apple, apricot, cherry and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of my pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Submitted by Mom
FIFTH GRADE ASSIGNMENTThe teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the F*** away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."