|
The burning pain in my body every where, from migraines, to hurting, to bend my
fingers and toes. Exhaustion, fatigue, dizziness, loss of balance, hurting to lay on
the bed, hurting to stand, hurting to sit, depression. This monster within me keeps
on terrorizing me, depressing me as I work to keep him hid inside of me. I wont let
the others see him. I have always been a strong willed person, I�m not going to let
him out. I want people to remember the fun me, the crazy things I used to do. How
I was always the one to take chances. I also want them to remember the kind,
supportive me. I was always there to help them, but not any more. I can�t make
people feel better, I can�t even make myself feel better. So I just hide it, go to bed,
stay alone, and don�t visit anymore. This monster within me is now running my life.
He has taken over. I feel overwhelmed, this isn�t me I have no control over him, I
hate him.
Most days I don�t talk about it except to my dog, to all others I just say I feel
like crap, so they don�t really know how I feel. It hurts to drive, it hurts to walk, it hurts
to have the shower pounding on my back like needles sticking into me. It hurts that
friends don�t invite me to visit or go with them, I feel very alone. I have a wonderful
family but even they don�t understand. I have watched people suffer and when I was
alone I would cry for their pain. I have had them die in my arms and cry because the
pain is finally gone, and cry because the family just doesn�t understand why it had to
happen. But I understand it�s the monster within. This is our part of hell before we
go to heaven. We all have to endure bad things in our lives and show we can handle
them before we are accepted and allowed through the golden gate. We all endure
monsters but in different ways.
This is my Monster I will name him FIBRO he is a
part of me but I do not like him, I endure him. I do not wish for him to go to someone
else, I would never ask anyone to live with this monster. I try many things to get this
monster to leave my body, but he just wont go. He says he knows I can handle the
pain, because I have seen and dealt with so much pain. He will always be inside
me, some days being quiet, others tearing me apart. I sit and I pretend he isn�t there,
I pretend because others can�t understand what this monster is like unless he is in
them also. I still want to have fun, I still want to dance, to shop, to ride the motorcycle,
to go for walks in the woods or on the beach, and sometimes I do. But after I have to
hide the monster within me because he gets angry that I have gone against his will,
and had a little fun, and he makes me pay with pain!
|
