Percy and the Naughty Things

"Yeah! Who’s your daddy?" Stav laughed as he held Percy’s neck in a tight headlock. "Just say uncle, Percy!"

"Okay, shut up everyone!" yelled Mr Bentley. He had taken his class into the computer room to shut them up, but it didn’t seem to be working. "I said shut up! Now, tomorrow, we are having the Old Boys Experience. So remember to bring a male role model! The key word is male! Anyone attempting to sneak a female into school tomorrow will have her confiscated!"

Meanwhile, Percy was suffocating. "P-p-please, let go…" he struggled to say.

"Shut up you little bastards!" Mr Bentley yelled. He was now busy playing minesweeper on another computer and therefore didn’t see Hagar pick up his keyboard and smash it over Percy’s head.

"Ow!" Percy yelled. "Now that really hurt!"

"That’s the point, Percy!" Stav smiled, and Hagar began to swing the computer’s mouse aggressively into Percy’s nose.

"Stop it, guys!" Percy yelled again. "You’re being arseholes!"

Hagar stopped swinging the mouse. "What?" he asked, rather stunned.

"I said that you guys are being arseholes! You never leave me alone! You seem to set out, everyday, just to make my life miserable!"

Stav looked extremely ashamed of himself. "Oh, Percy, we didn’t know…"

"What?" Percy asked, cradling his swelling skull in his arms. "What do you mean, you didn’t know?"

"If we knew how much pain it caused you, we would never have done any of that," Hagar said, apologetically. "Stav and I are really sorry."

"We’ll never hurt you again," Stav said solemnly. "Unless you ask you to, that is!"

Percy smiled. "Oh, that’s okay, guys! I know that you were just having fun…it’s just that I‘m a sensitive fellow…"

"We know," Hagar smiled back. "And we had no right to do what we did."

Percy stood up. "Well, I’ll just get some ice put on my head," he smiled. "Mr Bentley?" he called out. "Can I see the nurse?"

"What?" he called back, without turning his head from the computer screen. "Shut up!"

Ignoring his teacher, Percy left the computer room and made his way to the nurse’s office.

Stav and Hagar waited for him to go. "I never knew how much we hurt his feelings!" Hagar sighed.

"Tell you what," said Stav. "When Percy gets back, we’ll give him a pleasant surprise!"

"Yeah!" Hagar laughed, changing seats to Percy’s computer. "Let’s see…."

Stav smiled widely as Hagar opened up the Internet Explorer on Percy’s computer and simply typed in the address www.xxx.com. As Stav clapped his hands happily, Hagar returned to his seat.

"Yummy!" he cheered, and put his arm around Stav.

Percy approached the nurse’s office with a knock. "Excuse, me, Miss Vanderbilt?" he called as he opened the door.

"Bug off, you little twerp!" yelled Mrs Flynn. "Women only!"

"Oh, let him in!" Miss Vanderbilt insisted. "Come in, Percy, what seems to be the matter?"

"Just a bit of a bump," Percy told her.

Miss Vanderbilt stood up quickly. "Oh, no! Percy, what happened to your head?"

"Just a little computer accident," Percy smiled back. "I thought I could put some ice on it…"

"No!" yelled Mrs Flynn. "Don’t let that male chauvinist push you around, Miss Vanderbilt!"

"It’s okay, then, I’ll get the ice," said Percy, trying to avoid conflict.

"No! You sit down!" Miss Vanderbilt said. "I’ll get you some ice!"

"You disgust me!" Mrs Flynn spat as Percy waited for Miss Vanderbilt to return from the freezer. "All you men are is a pack of free-loading scumbags! If you don’t stop pushing her around…"

Miss Vanderbilt returned from the freezer with a packet of frozen peas. "Now hold that on your bump for the next hour!" she explained.

"Miss Vanderbilt, you shouldn’t let Percy push you around like that!" Mrs Flynn told her angrily.

"No, it’s okay, he’s one of the good ones," Miss Vanderbilt told her. "Here’s your ice pack, Percy! I’ll walk you back to class."

"Oh, just kick the little male bastard out of the door!" Mrs Flynn yelled. "One day he’s going to be a man, and you’ll wish you had killed him earlier!"

"Oh, leave it," Miss Vanderbilt huffed, and took Percy out of the nurse’s office.

Before long, Percy had returned to the computer room with an ice pack on his head. Behind him was Miss Vanderbilt.

"Now, you leave that ice pack on for another hour, sweetie!" she smiled sympathetically, giving him a hug.

Percy thanked her and returned to his computer.

"Oh look!" Hagar sneered. "It’s Percy!"

"Oh, hi Hagar," Percy replied, and looked up at his computer screen in shock.

. Oh no! There were pictures of naked women on the screen! He quickly took hold of his mouse and clicked on the exit button. Unfortunately it was too late. Miss Vanderbilt had seen the pictures.

"Percy!" she screamed in terror. "What were you just looking at?"

Stav looked up from his computer screen. "Percy’s been looking at porn, Miss!"

A tear fell from her eye. "Percy? Tell me that you didn’t see what was on the screen!"

Percy said nothing. He couldn’t lie to her; he had seen the dirty pictures for a brief second.

"I don’t believe it," she cried. "One of my most responsible, respectable students! Looking up that…smut!"

"There’s been a misunderstanding, Miss…" Percy insisted, shaking his head in anxiety. "I didn’t…"

"No, there’s no use pretending, Percy," she cried. "You men are all the same. I just thought that at least you had some respect for women!"

"I guess Percy was just a dirty rapist after all!" Hagar smiled to her.

Miss Vanderbilt gave a long sigh. "Percy, I want you to come with me."

Percy lowered his head in embarrassment as he left the room, with the frozen peas still held onto his head.

"Not Mr Winterbottom’s office!" Percy cried to her. "He doesn’t like me! He’ll suspend me!"

"Listen," Miss Vanderbilt replied as they walked through the door. "This is for your own good! I’m afraid that you have to be punished for this!"

"What’s Percy done this time?" asked Mr Winterbottom, patting a baseball bat in his hand.

"Please put that down, Mr Winterbottom," she told him. "I’m afraid we have a delicate problem to deal with here."

"Percy, what have you done?" asked Mr Winterbottom sternly.

"I didn’t do anything, honestly…" he said with a slightly nervous smile.

"Percy was looking up pornography on the computers," Miss Vanderbilt said sharply.

"Percy! How could you!" Mr Winterbottom said to him, shaking his finger. "Naughty!"

"Yes, well I thought that you could have a talk with him," she continued. "Tell him that real men don’t use porn, and how it degrades women…"

"Yes, I will, Miss Vanderbilt," Mr Winterbottom assured her. "Now you run off back to your class."

"This is for your own good, Percy," she told him, and left the room.

"Listen, Mr Winterbottom, there has been a huge mistake," Percy began to explain.

"Looking up a bit of the old porn, hey?" he chuckled. "Good lad!"

Percy was shocked. Wasn’t he going to get into any trouble?

"Hey, buddy!" smiled Mr Winterbottom. "Don’t let that back alley strumpet tell you what you can and can’t see!"

"But I didn’t look at any porn!" Percy said, sharply.

"It’s okay, Percy," Mr Winterbottom smiled, taking off his jacket to reveal a shirt with a picture of a naked woman on it. "We all look at it, it’s only natural. And fun, too!"

"But I wasn’t looking at any of that!" Percy protested. "I swear I didn’t! I don’t look at that…"

Mr Winterbottom zipped his jacket back up. "What? What do you mean, you don’t look at porn?"

"I just don’t like looking up those sorts of things," Percy told him.

Mr Winterbottom stood up. "You’re gay!"

"No," Percy groaned. "I’m not gay, I just…"

"You little faggot!" Mr Winterbottom spat. "You disgusting little faggot!"

"No! I never said that I was gay!" Percy protested.

Mr Winterbottom’s face lit up. "Oh? So you were looking up porn?" he grinned. "Good on ya’! The Old Boys will be proud!"

Percy shook his head. "No, I told you. I didn’t look up any porn. Someone else must have done it while I was up!"

"You didn’t look up the porn?" Mr Winterbottom frowned. "Then you have admit it! You are gay!"

"I’m not…" Percy began, but by now his coordinator had switched on the intercom.

"An announcement from Mr Winterbottom’s office!" could be heard throughout Boy College. "Percy Pumpernickel is gay!"

"Don’t tell everyone that!" Percy shouted.

Mr Winterbottom looked at him in disgust, snatched the bag of frozen peas away from him, hit them forcefully over his bruised head, and picked him up by the shirt. "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE, YOU FAG!" he bellowed, and threw him out of the door.

As the door slammed shut, Percy buried his eyes in his hands. Now everybody thought that he was gay! Just because he didn’t agree with pornography!

He was surprised to feel an arm around him. "Oh, Percy!" cried Miss Vanderbilt. "I heard the message over the intercom! You should have told me!"

"But I…"

"Some of my favourite cats are gay!" she told him with a smile. "There’s no reason to feel left out!"

"Actually, Miss…" Percy began to say.

She put her finger on his lips. "You don’t have to say it!" she told him with a smile. "I’m absolutely comfortable with it!"

"But I’m not gay," Percy told her.

"Percy," she smiled. "There’s no reason to deny your sexuality." She paused for a few seconds. "I always thought that you were a bit womanish…a bit prissy. Now it all makes sense!"

Percy was shocked. What did she mean, prissy?

"Now if anyone picks on you, you just shout and I’ll come running!"

"But Miss…" Percy started, but she had already left. To Percy’s dismay, from around the corner came Stav, followed by his mate, Hagar.

"There you are, you little faggot!" Stav sneered.

Percy stood up and backed away. "What do you guys want?"

"Haven’t you heard of poofter bashing?" Hagar laughed.

Oh, no, Percy thought to himself. "Miss Vanderbilt!" he called out at the top of his voice. "Miss Vanderbilt, help me!"

But she didn’t come. "Trust a fag to rely on a woman to protect him," Stav jeered, and head butted Percy in the nose.

"No, please! Leave me alone! I’m not gay!" Percy cried, as Stav and Hagar each stuck their fingers inside both of Percy’s ear holes. "I’M NOT GAY!"

That night, Percy walked though his door to see three concerned faces: one he recognised, and two he didn’t.

"Mum, who’s this?" he asked her, pointing to a man who had a basset hound on his lap.

"I’m Alexander Graham!" the man smiled. "And this is my dog, Fred Basset!"

"This is my new boyfriend," his mother explained. "He’s a legendary cartoonist."

"Oh, yeah!" Percy said with a smile. "He does those Fred Basset comics!"

"Don’t oh yeah he does those Fred Basset comics me!" Percy’s mum said angrily. "Your coordinator rang me up a few minutes ago, and told me that you’re gay!"

"He did?" Percy asked. "But he’s just got his wires crossed! It’s just a misunderstanding!"

"Being a poof is never a misunderstanding," Alexander Graham sighed. "Isn’t that right Fred!"

His dog looked at Percy and gave a growl. Percy looked back at the vicious hound in fright.

"He likes you!" Alexander Graham smiled. "Got and lick his hand, boy!"

The basset hound leapt up and bit him on the arm. Percy gave a quick, half-second scream.

"Look, could you leave Percy and I alone for a while?" Percy’s mum asked as blood seeped out of her son’s arm. "We need to have a private chat, mother to son."

He gave a slight huff, picked up his dog and walked out of the room.

Percy looked at his mother in fright. "Mum, please, I’m not…" he stammered.

But she stood up and threw him against the wall. "Have sex with the wall then, you little ratbag!" she screamed, and kicked him in the shin. "I didn’t send you to an all-boys school to become a queer!"

"But mum!" Percy whined.

"Shut up you little faggot!" she roared. "End up in gaol! That’s right! Just like your bloody father!" Before Percy could say anything, she punched him in the face. "Now get to bed! No dinner tonight!"

As Percy slunk down the corridor, he remembered something important. Tomorrow, at Boy College, he had to take part in The Old Boys Experience. A group of old men were going to talk to the boys about men’s health, and Percy needed to bring along a male role model. Would his mother’s current boyfriend be interested?

Well, Alexander Graham and his dog happened to be passing by just then. "Uh, Percy, we need to talk," he said quickly.

"Yes, I have something to tell you as well," Percy told him.

"You go first!"

"No, you go first!"

"Alright…" Alexander Graham sighed. "Now, I’ve only been going steady with your mum for a few hours, but I think that we’re having some problems."

"Why’s that?" Percy asked.

"I don’t think she likes my dog…" he said.

Percy looked down at Fred Basset in fear. He was growling at him.

"Oh…" Percy replied. "My mother doesn’t mind your dog, she’s probably just in a bad mood."

"Earlier today I saw her stick her rude finger up at him!" he persisted. "Just because Fred gave her a little nip!"

Percy looked at the dog again. It was still growling. "Uh, listen, Mister…"

"Call me Alexander Graham," he smiled. "I want to be your friend, not just your stepfather!"

"Yeah, right. Listen, I need to ask you a favour. Tomorrow my school is having an ‘Old Boy’s Experience’, and I need to bring a male role model."

Alexander Graham blushed. "Well, Fred Basset here has been neutered, but he should do the trick."

"I meant, could you come with me?" Percy asked.

"Not without Fred Basset!" he yelled, pointing to the growling hound.

"Oh, okay," Percy said. "So you’ll come?"

"Yes! Of course," he smiled. "Who knows, it may inspire me to do a new comic strip!"

"Thanks, Alexander Graham," Percy smiled. "This means a lot to me."

Alexander Graham picked up his dog and pointed it at Percy’s face. "Say goodbye to Percy," he chuckled.

He ducked just as the dog snapped his teeth at him.

Next day, Percy was quite alarmed as he and legendary cartoonist Alexander Graham looked up at the huge words on the school building. What used to be called Boy College was now called Percy is Gay College.

"Suck, Percy!" Alexander Graham laughed, with Fred Basset in his arms. "Suck!"

Percy nervously walked into the school building. At least he had a celebrity cartoonist with him.

They walked into the school grounds. It was another hour until the Old Boys Experience began. Alexander let the growling Fred Basset off the choke chain. "Run, boy!" Alexander Graham laughed.

"I’m not sure we’re allowed to let dogs out in our school grounds," Percy told his mother’s boyfriend. "Did we have to bring him?"

Alexander Graham turned his head slightly with a smile, before planting the palm of his hand on Percy’s face. "How do you like that then?" he chuckled, before roaring with laughter.

Percy pulled his hand away. "Look, I think we’d better keep track of the dog…where’d he go anyway?"

"He’s not just any dog," Alexander Graham yelled angrily. "He’s the most famous cartoon dog of them all! Except for that little bugger of a beagle, Snoopy!"

But it was too late. Fred Basset had already sunk his teeth into a victim.

"Aagh!" screamed a 12-year-old boy. "The dog! It bit me!"

Percy ran over to the kid. "Oh, no! Your arm! It’s bleeding! I’m so sorry! I’ll get some bandages!"

But the boy stood up, wiped the blood on Percy’s shirt, and then punched him in the eye. "That’s it! I’m telling!"

Oh, no, Percy thought. He was going to tell the teacher!

Alexander Graham picked Fred Basset with a hug. "Who’s a good boy then!" he asked the vicious mongrel, and Fred Basset gave him a lick.

Soon, the boy had brought physical eduction teacher, Mr Ratson, over. "It was his dog!" he cried, pointing at Percy. "Mr Ratson, that boy’s dog bit me!"

Mr Ratson looked at Percy with a smile. "Now Percy, just because you’re gay doesn’t mean…"

"I’m not gay!"

"Just apologise to the boy, Percy," he groaned.

But before Percy could apologise, Mr Ratson was shaking Alexander Graham’s hand enthusiastically. "I don’t believe it! Alexander Graham! Not a day goes by when I don’t read your hilarious cartoons! I‘ve collected every one of them since they began!"

"Great to meet a fan!" smiled Alexander Graham. "A lot better than Charlie Brown comics, aren’t they? Snoopy has nothing of Fred, does he?"

Mr Ratson withdrew is hand. "Well, actually…"

"Fred Basset! Bite him!" Alexander Graham ordered, and his dog jumped up and bit the teacher on the ear.

"Ow!" Mr Ratson cried, as Fred Basset hung from his ear. "Get him off me!"

Alexander Graham sighed, and made a short whistle. Fred Basset dropped off onto the ground.

"You won’t get away with this, you poofter!" Mr Ratson yelled to Percy as he ran off. "You haven’t heard the last of Mr Ratson!"

Percy looked at Alexander Graham. "Can’t you just chain him up!"

But by now, Alexander Graham was really getting annoyed. "That’s it. You leave my dog alone, or I’ll chain you up!"

Percy said nothing.

"You just don’t know when to shut up, do you?" the cartoonist sneered, and after taking the chain out, kicked Percy to the ground, held him down, and put the choke-chain around his neck.

"Hey!" Percy yelled. "Stop it! Wait until I tell my mum what you’re doing to me!"

"Oh, all right," he sighed, and tried to undo it. "For your mother." But he still struggled to undo it. "Oh, wait…I think it’s stuck!"

"What? Get it off!"

"Can’t, sorry!" Alexander Graham smiled. "Oh, well! At least we’ve got a bit of control over you for a change! You little brat!"

Percy frowned, and didn’t say anything.

The all-male crowd gathered inside the male bathroom. Naturally, the boys kept a distance from Percy.

"Welcome, welcome!" announced an old man. "Before we begin the Old Boys’ Experience, there are no women here, are there?"

"No, none at all!" Mr Winterbottom told him.

From out of the cubicles came five elderly men. The head oldster stood up on the toilet. "My name is Old Man Jimson, and we are the old boys. We visit all-boys schools like this one, promoting men’s health."

Suddenly a knock was heard outside the bathroom. "Excuse me!" came a female voice. "What is everyone doing in there?"

"Piss off, you whore!" Old Man Jimson yelled back. "Someone hold the door!"

"Got it!" Mr Winterbottom called back.

"Now, back to the Old Boy’s Experience," Old Man Jimson sighed. "I would just like to have a raise of hands…hands up if you’ve ever made love to a couch?"

Percy was shocked as he realised that more than half of the boys in the toilets raised their hands.

"Good…that’s good. Of course, everyone here has done it to something, right?" Old Man Jimson smiled. "No faggots here, right?"

"Actually, one!" Mr Winterbottom said. "That one, right there!" he said, pointing to Percy.

"Oh, so you’re a poof, are you?" Old Man Jimson jeered.

"No! I’m not!" Percy yelled. "I’m not gay, okay!"

Alexander Graham butted in and pulled Percy’s choke chain tightly. "Actually, he is. He admitted it to me!"

Percy desperately tried to take off the choke chain. "Get this bloody thing off me!" he said angrily.

"Calm down, gay-bo!" Old Man Jimson chuckled, as the remaining Old Boys took hold of the choke chain, and took him up in front of everyone. "We’ll straighten this homosexual out, and afterwards, we can all go on the no-poofs marathon!"

Percy stood in front of his classmates in fear. "Look, I’m actually not gay!" he tried to say to as many people as he could.

"If you’re really not gay, you’d have no trouble having sex with this blow-up doll, then!" Old Man Jimson declared, before taking one from his esky and inflating it.

Mr Winterbottom was still holding the door to the toilets, and soon there was another knock on the door. "Hey! What on earth are all of you doing in there?" came another female voice. "Classes are still on, right?"

"Oh, get back in the kitchen, you prostitute!" Mr Winterbottom called back angrily.

"Who the hell was that! Come out, you coward!" the voice answered back.

Old Man Jimson had finished inflating the doll. "Women, eh!" he laughed.

Percy, meanwhile, was refusing to have sex with the doll. "Get that away from me! I’m not doing anything with that!"

"Then you are a poof!" Old Man Jimson declared. "Everyone, stacks on the poof!"

Percy screamed as the male bodies threw themselves at him. Even grown men such as Alexander Graham and Mr Winterbottom tried to squash Percy into the urine-soaked bathroom floor.

Old Man Jimson didn’t, though. "You see, Percy, it’s quite simple," he explained. "You are too feminine! That’s why you’re so gay! You need more male contact, much more! It’s all part of the cleansing process!"

However, Mr Winterbottom had left the door unattended, and therefore Mrs Flynn was able to open the door. From behind her came a committee of female teachers.

"Okay, you bastards!" she yelled. "You sexist pigs had better watch it now!"

The Old Boys seemed quite alarmed. "Mr Winterbottom, you promised us that there were no women here!" Old Man Jimson complained. "This is strictly all-male!"

"All of you bitches, get out!" yelled Mr Winterbottom.

"Shut your mouth, Winterbottom!" Miss Vanderbilt yelled. "Everybody get off Percy!"

After a lot of scuffling, Percy was freed from the men. He was bruised and battered.

Miss Vanderbilt shoved through and helped Percy up. "Now everybody listen! Percy may be gay, but he is proud of it! All of you perverts are just going to have to put up with it!"

But Percy was fed up. "Let me just explain, to everybody. I AM NOT GAY!"

Alexander Graham stood back, patting his dog. "Yes he is!" he laughed. "He’s a complete faggot, he is!"

"You don’t have to be afraid any more!" Miss Vanderbilt smiled to Percy. "I am with you all the way!"

"No, I told you, I’m actually just not gay!"

Miss Vanderbilt looked upset. "Then you did look at porn?"

"No!" Percy cried. "No!"

"You were looking at porn!" Miss Vanderbilt cried. "Percy! I am disgusted at you! At all of you men! This is supposed to be a men’s health group, not a bunch of wankers!"

"You have no idea, you courtesan!" Old Man Jimson yelled back at her. "You stupid bitches should all stop winging and take off your clothes!"

Percy had enough of this. He pushed past Old Man Jimson and stood on top of a toilet. "Everybody shut up! Now listen. I AM NOT GAY. And I don’t look at porn! Okay? Don’t you understand?"

Old Man Jimson knocked him off from the top of the toilet.

"Sounds like you need some serious ear-picking!" he laughed, sticking his finger in Percy’s ear.

"Percy…" Mr Winterbottom asked. "Are you saying that you’re not gay, and you don’t look at porn?"

"YES!"

"Then it’s obvious to me that you’re a paedophile!"

"What?"

"You sicken me!" Old Man Jimson frowned. "Don’t molester me, little boy!"

Alexander Graham suddenly began to laugh. "Let’s see how you like Fred Basset!"

It was then that the bloody basset hound leapt at Percy and started attacking him.

Miss Vanderbilt quickly gave an attention-seeking scream. "Don’t you realise, everyone, that Percy simply isn’t anything? He’s not gay, or straight, or a paedophile!"

Percy would have insisted that he was straight if Fred Basset wasn’t still attacking him.

"So he’s a nothing?" Mr Winterbottom asked. "Well, we have no place for nothings at this school!" He stood up on a toilet. "I have an announcement! No one at this school is allowed to be friends with Percy Pumpernickel! Ever! At punishment of expulsion!"

Miss Vanderbilt ran up to Fred Basset and kicked the dog off Percy’s bleeding body. "Don’t listen to him, Percy. I’ll be your friend," she whispered in his ear, giving him a hug.

Alexander Graham was absolutely horrified. That… demimonde had just kicked his dog! The greatest dog in the world! Fred Basset! "How dare you!" he roared. "Kill her, Fred!"

But before Miss Vanderbilt could think about screaming, Percy’s mother burst through the bathroom door. "I thought I’d find you here, you bastard!" she yelled to Alexander Graham. "I’ve had enough of you, and I’ve had enough of your bloody dog!"

"Mum!" Percy shouted, as Miss Vanderbilt sat by his side. "Please, calm down!"

Alexander Graham was not happy. "Oh, you’ve done it now, woman! Fred Basset, attack her!"

However, Percy’s mother was ready for Fred Basset, and as the dastardly mutt leapt at her, she elbow dropped it! As Fred Basset lay unconscious, she gave a laugh. "Let’s see you talk your way out of that one, Fred!"

"No!" Alexander Graham yelled, running towards Fred Basset.

"Oh, you bloody prick!" she yelled, and also elbow dropped Alexander Graham. The famous cartoonist lay unconscious on the toilet floor.

"Yeah, go girl-power!" Mrs Flynn smiled.
Percy’s mum gave her a cold stare. "Shut up you stupid bitch!" she screamed. "I’m in a really bad mood!"

Miss Vanderbilt picked Percy up and took him to his mother. "Mrs Pumpernickel? Your son is slightly wounded, but he should…"

"Oh shut up, you slut!" Percy’s mum yelled, and shoved her out of the way. "He’s my son, not your lover-boy!" As Miss Vanderbilt and the rest of the women ran away in fright, Percy’s mum took her son by the arm.

"Okay, Percy!" she said to him. "I was just talking to your doctor and apparently you were born gay!"

"But mum!" Percy cried. "I’m not gay!"

"I don’t want to hear it, Percy!" she yelled. "You’re coming home now, you fag!"

"Yeah! Be gone, poofter!" Old Man Jimson cheered as Percy was dragged out of the toilets, before taking hold of the blow-up doll and licking his lips.

"Stupid wanker," Mr Winterbottom sighed to himself.