Percy, who was no more than 14, was learning how to play the triangle. It didn’t really take much to learn, he found. He took one metal thing and struck the triangular thing. It made a ding. Brilliant.

"Wrong!" shouted his teacher, Ms Tragal. "Percy, try again."

Percy once again struck the triangle. But his teacher wasn’t impressed.

"You haven’t been practising, Percy. You’ve been playing this blasted triangle for years now, and there is no sign of improvement!"

Suddenly a teacher with an extremely small beard and a squeaky voice poked his head through the door. "Someone has wet the toilet seat again! Oh horrors! For the devotion of old gooseberry, my fears are released to the oncoming crowd!" After this outburst he ran away, waving his arms in the air.

"But there isn’t really much I can do with it, Miss," Percy told his obsessive triangle teacher. "I can make it go ‘ding’, but…"

"What are you saying?" she asked Percy with fear in her eyes.

"I’m quitting, miss," Percy sighed as he turned his head away from his teacher.

She also looked away, and stamped her foot on the ground. "If that’s how it must be," she whispered.

"I’m terribly sorry, Miss," Percy apologised. "I know that you’ve put a lot of effort into teaching me. It’s just that, well, I…"

"Come here, Percy," she slowly said to him, and showed him her wrists. They were red.

Percy immediately fell to the ground and passed out.

"I’m just kidding, Percy," she laughed, taking out of her pocket a bottle of tomato sauce from her handbag. "See! Fake blood!"

Percy didn’t regain consciousness however, so she took the triangle out of his hand and left. Percy remained on the ground, as his brain had momentarily shut down.

When he regained the consciousness that had been lost, his Physical Education instructor, Mr B. Dillan, known to others as simply ‘Billan’, was hovering over his head, although not literarily.

"So you wet the toilet seat, did you?" Billan chuckled. "Percy, didn’t your mother show you how to aim?"

Percy blinked his eyes, looked back and forth, and looked up at him. "Toilet seat? I haven’t been to the toilet."

"Oh, haven’t you? Oh well. Now come on! To the sports field! You’re letting your team down!" Billan commanded, and took out a pair of scissors. "Move!"

Percy got off the ground and ran downstairs to the school oval.

"That’s right, Percy," Billan said to him. "We want you, yes you, to play Irish soccer with us."

"Fair enough," Percy shrugged. "But Billan, what on earth is Irish soccer? I’d like to know."

"Why do you talk like that?"

"Pardon me?"
"Percy, Irish soccer is just like real soccer, but you can pick up the ball. Simple, ain’t it?"

"Quite," Percy smiled, and left for the sporting field.

Before he knew it, the game was well under way. Percy was always a very enthusiastic sportsman and jumped at the opportunity to play with his fellow schoolmates.

"Pick the ball up, Percy you freak!" someone yelled out. Percy picked it up and as someone’s foot collided with his head, he had no choice but to pass out.

"What did you kick?" Billan asked the culprit. "The ball or Percy’s head?"
"Both sir," the culprit replied.

"Well do the honours, will you, and take Percy to the nurses office. I think he’s dead."

"Do I have to?" the culprit asked.

"Well I’m not touching that freak," Billan scoffed. "But you’ve already got your foot infected. It’s only fair."

"Oh, all right," the culprit groaned, grabbing Percy by his feet and dragging him away. "But I’m pretty certain that he’s the one who’s been wetting the toilet seat."

"So am I," Billan pondered. "So am I."

An hour passed and Percy was fast asleep.

"Sorry, nurse," Mr Magony shrugged. "I’m afraid that the corpse needs to come to the science lab with the rest of us."

"Actually, it turns out that he’s not dead," she smiled. "He’s over there on the bed."

"Well, I’m not touching him."

"I know what you mean," she said. "We had to use protective gloves to lift him up there."

Slowly Percy regained consciousness.

"Ah, great!" said Mr Magony. "I don’t have to touch that toilet seat wetting freak."

"What?" Percy asked. "What’s going on? Where am I?"

"To the science lab. Chop-chop!"

Percy got up and followed Mr Magony to the science laboratory.

"Kids, I am here to do things that you would usually do at home," Mr Mad, the scientist, told the students.

"He’s got a silly name!" Percy told a student next to him. The student gave Percy a strange look and moved his seat away from him.

Mr Mad put forward an empty jug. "Behold…it is empty. Can you see that everyone?"

Everyone nodded.

"Now, I put the magic methylated spirits into the jug…" he said, while filling it up. "Now, say the magic words!"

"Abracadabra!" Percy laughed, and a soggy sandwich was thrown at his head.

"That’s right, sonny," Mr Mad smiled. He lit a match and dropped it in the jug. A flame burst out and Mr Mad threw the jug at Percy before he could even let out an obscenity.

"Help!" Percy cried as his jacket caught fire.

"Everybody out!" Mr Mad and Mr Magony ordered. Of course, Percy was the last one to get to the door and it was shut in his face. And locked.

"Oh, no!" Percy sighed, and before long he’d inhaled enough smoke to make him pass out, for the third time that day.

When he came to, again, he was outside the science laboratory with a heap of firemen.

"You okay then, matey?" the chief asked him.

"I think so," Percy said and looked around him in confusion.

"Better just make sure," the chief laughed. "Mouth to mouth!"

"No, I’m fine thanks," Percy snapped quickly. "I’ll just go now, thank you."

"Oh, no you don’t," the firefighters said. "We saved your life. You owe us!"

"Uh, thanks, then," Percy sighed.

"Have you ever considered modelling?" asked a fireman.

"No, I haven’t actually," Percy said. "Now if you’ll excuse me, I must be going."

"Get over here!" Principal Rocky yelled out. "Percy, I want a word with you."

Percy left the firefighters and their girlfriends, and entered the principal’s office.

"Percy, just tell me, did you or didn’t you wet the toilet seat?" the principal asked him.

"The science laboratory just burned down, sir, this is hardly the time…"

"Stop talking like that!" the principal shouted. "I’m a very busy man and I haven’t got all day. Did you or didn’t you piss on the toilet seat?"
"No, I didn’t!" Percy shouted back.

"Good. Then, you’re free to go."

"Thanks," Percy said. As he stood up from his seat, he looked across the room. "Is that a statue of Michael Douglas over there?"

"No, it isn’t. Now go away!"

It was now lunchtime and Percy was hungry. He left the principal’s office and went to the canteen.

After he had bought a bread roll and some sweet and sour sauce, the fat school captain ran out of the toilets.

"Percy! I need to talk to you, big-time."

"Hi there, Alex," Percy said. "What’s wrong?"

"You know how I go to the toilet sometimes?"

"Yeah…"

"Well I just ruined it!"

"How?"

"It was an accident! Please take the blame!"

"Why?" Percy asked.

"Because they’ll strip me of my school captainship! You can’t do this to me!"

"Look," Percy said. "I can’t, I’m sorry. My reputation at this school is too good to be tarnished like that."

"Well, fair’s fair," the fat school captain said to him.

"Can I ask you a question, Alex?"

"Shoot, buddy."

"Why are you always looking at my neck?"

"I’m not, am I?"

"Yeah you are, you’re doing it right now!"

"Sorry, Percy, I have no idea what you are on about."

Suddenly a cry of distress came from the toilets. "NO!"

The cleaner came running out of the toilets and towards Percy and Alex.

"You! Fat man, you wet the floor!" the cleaner shouted as if in agony.

"No, it was Percy here," Alex explained.

"No it wasn’t! I know your urine, and I know Percy’s! You are a bad man, Alex!"

"Listen," Alex told the cleaner. "You’re forgetting that I am the school captain. I can get you fired, like that!" he threatened, clicking his fingers. "Don’t think I haven’t seen you looking in on those life-drawing classes!"

The school cleaner was reduced to a pathetic little man. "I’ll be good," he snivelled. "I’ll be good. By stars, I’ll be good."

"Good. Be good," Alex told him. "Percy, you’re coming with me."

"What the hell are you doing, Alex?"
"I’m arresting you!"

"You wouldn’t!"

"Yes I would!" Alex grinned, and took Percy to the school court.

"Order in the court," Alex said, hitting the bench with his hammer.

Percy had a lawyer next to him; it was a five-year-old girl. Alex’s little sister, he was told. In the courtroom was the school principal, the cleaner and lots of other teachers.

"Come up please, Ms Tragal," Alex said, and up she came.

"Well," she began, "I teach Percy the triangle; or I did until he quit this morning. And I’ll tell you why he quit…because he pissed on the toilet seat!"

"Enough said," Alex smiled, and Ms Tragal sat down again. "Well, that does it for me. Percy, what have you got to say in your defence?"
"I didn’t wet the seat! I didn’t wet the floor! I don’t even use those toilets, I use the urinal! They’re better because you don’t miss, unless you’ve got really bad aim. And anyway, you wet the floor! Not me!"

"Look, Percy, you also burned down the school’s laboratory today. From here on in, you are going to the school dungeon!"

"Oh, no!" Percy said. "I don’t want to go there. I want to go home!"
"What? So you can freely piss everywhere? I’ll have to think about that. Principal Rocky, can we let Percy go?"

Principal Rocky stood up from his seat, with the help of a pair of crutches. He was a wreck; his head was in a bandage and was looking to one side. His shoes were made of plaster.

"Been in the wars there, have you?" Alex asked him.

"Percy did this to me!" he yelled. "This afternoon, he forced me to turn my head to the side by telling me that there was a statue of Michael Douglas behind me. Of course, there was no such statue, it was merely a statue of Michael J. Fox. Percy ran away, but my head locked in position; sideways."

"Oh dear! What happened then?" Alex wanted to know.

"Well, I really wanted my head to unlock from that position, but it wouldn’t. So I thought to myself…time to take out my yoga video. With my head still looking to the side, I inserted my videotape, called "Yoga; fun for the whole family". Now, I swear, some of those things on that tape are impossible! Like, this one guy on it, he stood on his face! Not just his head, oh no, his face! Jeepers creepers! I couldn’t do that, I swear. I was so angry that I took out a hammer, and just started hitting myself! On the head, on the feet, until…I came here to appear in court."

Alex looked at Principal Rocky strangely. "Well, I see."

"I’ll just tell you one more thing," Principal Rocky said. "Percy is a liar! He told me earlier that me doesn’t piss on the toilet seats at all! And now… he’s pissed not only on the seat, but on the floor! He’s crossed the line, plain and simple. Put him away, Alex. In the dungeon, with all of the other toilet seat wetters!"

"I am!" Alex shouted. "Just give me a chance, will you?"

Percy was given a tranquillising injection, causing him to pass out.

Already Percy had been chained to the dungeon wall for a day and a half. His stomach rumbled.

"What was that sound?" came a voice from next to him.

"My stomach," Percy replied.

"Oh, yeah, sure!" the voice laughed.

"Who are you?" Percy asked.

"I’m Chris. I was put in here a year ago for having my shirt untucked after I threw a brick at the teacher."

"How come I’m chained to the wall and you’re not?"

"Because…I escaped! That’s right! They chained me up, but I escaped! With a straw! That’s right!"

"You don’t think you could let me free, could you?"

"Sure, kid. But first, you must do something for me."

"What?" Percy asked.

"Sing," Chris smiled. "Sing me a melody."

"Any melody you have in mind?" Percy asked.

"No."

"Okay then," Percy said, and began to sing.

It’s like rain on your wedding day

Chris applauded. "A well chosen melody, kid. Here, lend me your padlock." Chris took out a McDonalds straw and picked the lock. Percy was free.

"Thanks a lot!" Percy smiled, unchaining himself.

"Now, let’s play jumpy-bumpy!" Chris giggled.

Percy looked confused. "Sorry? I really need to go."

Chris looked at Percy sorrowfully. "You didn’t even tell me your name!"

"It’s Percy," he told him.

"And you’re escaping? I didn’t let you free to escape, Percy. I let you free to play jumpy-bumpy with me."

"I must leave this place," Percy shouted. "But how?"

Chris smiled. "Well I’ll tell you. But first I need you to play jumpy-bumpy with me."

"Oh, all right," Percy sighed. He got down on his knees.

Chris got down on all fours and started jumping towards Percy. He pushed him over, stood up and laughed. "Oh, joy!"

Percy stood up. "Now, for heaven’s sake, let me escape!"

"Okay then, Percy. But let me warn you; the escape is dangerous. Those who have left through that escape have never returned!"

"Well, I wouldn’t return to the dungeon if I had escaped, either!" Percy huffed. "So tell me, how do I leave this awfully dreary place?"

Chris took out his wallet. "See this?" he asked Percy, showing a card. "I got this card when I won a go-carting race a few years ago."

"Do I use that to escape, then?" Percy asked.

"No, I just thought I’d show it to you."

"Oh, okay then," Percy said back.

"But to leave, you have to catch the ghost train."

"Is there a ghost train in this dungeon?"

"Yeah, it’s just around the corner. I won’t tell you any more."

"Thanks then, Chris."

"No problem, Percy."

So Percy waited a few minutes, caught the ghost train and was heard no more. But…where would he end up?

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the moment you’ve all been waiting for is here!" Gary Hamster announced triumphantly to the rowdy audience. "Today our guest is someone who has defied the critics over and over again. This legend of a child has already starred in and directed nine award winning movies, conquered a few Pacific Islands and now, with the release of his new album, "Cheerful Armour", he has sold more CDs than anyone I know. Please welcome…Bluegum Murphy!"

The crowd applauded as Percy arrived on stage inside a ghost train. He hopped out and a lady led him to a seat next to the host of the television chat show, Gary Hamster.

"Bluegum Murphy," Gary Hamster wept as he shook Percy’s hand, "A pleasure."

"Uh, right. Where am I?" Percy asked, his eyes blinking because of all the bright lights. The audience laughed, then clapped their hands.

"Bluegum Murphy, please, tell us…where do you get your ideas for you films?" Gary Hamster asked, gazing at Percy in absolute adoration.

"Oh, um, just things around me," Percy replied, receiving another applause from the audience.

"Fantastic," Gary Hamster wept. "And your new album, ‘Cheerful Armour’. What was the inspiration behind the song ‘Demonstrative Termite’?"

"Well, uh," Percy began.

"Well?" Gary Hamster asked, slightly agitated. "You’re not simply impersonating Bluegum Murphy, are you?"

"Oh, no, I’m him," Percy lied. "Yeah, that song was inspired from the termites that I once saw."

Gary Hamster looked at him strangely. "But Bluegum Murphy, in a recent interview you clearly stated that you’ve never, ever seen termites!"

"Well, I…" Percy began.

"Guards, seize this imposter!" Gary Hamster demanded, waving his fist.

Percy was taken out of the studio by two fat security guards, one of which smelt of apricot.

"It’s my shampoo," he said as he threw Percy outside into the cold. It was dark.

"What do I do now?" Percy asked. What would he do? He was a street kid. There was only one thing he could do. PARTY! YEAH!

Percy was pretty pumped up. He liked the nightlife and he liked to boogie.

"Cowabunga, dude!" Percy shouted, but before he could run off waving his arms in the air, he heard the voice of a certain apricot-smelling security guard.

"You like to party do you, Bluegum?" the security guard asked. "Well, if you want to party as well as get paid, you should consider squeezing shampoo at the local ‘Shampoo shindig’."

"Really?" Percy asked. "Get paid and party at the same time? Where is this ‘Shampoo shindig’ you speak of?"

The security guard took off his helmet so Percy could smell the apricot in his hair. "Just keeping walking down this road and eventually you’ll be there," he said. "Trust me, I’d know."

Percy put his hands on his hips. "Watch out, world! Here I come!" he yelled out, and with that, he ran away screaming.

"There’s something about that Bluegum," the security guard smiled. "And it’s nothing to do with porridge."

Percy arrived at the hall and walked into the ‘Shampoo shindig’. To his surprise, there was a fair amount of people present. There was much drunkenness and shampoo was being flung into the air. Percy caught a bottle and opened it. Suddenly the crowd went silent.

"He’s opened the bottle!" someone whispered.

"Is he crazy?" someone else whispered.

"Come on, then!" a lady taunted. "Drink it up!"

Percy shook his head. "No thanks, I actually want to get a job here."

"Oh, you’ve come for a job. Well, you’re supposed to squeeze the shampoo in the showers."

"What? I’m not doing that!" Percy yelled out.

"It’s the female showers, if that’s any help."

Percy suddenly had a change of heart. "Oh, okay then."

"It’s just in there," she said, and pointed to the female bathroom. Percy, not being able to resist the temptation, walked into the shower room with a big smile on his face.

"Shampoo, ladies?" he asked. But there was no one in there. Percy wasn’t sure what to do now. He crouched down and waited.

Soon, that lady from before came inside, with two policewomen.

"There he is," she said, pointing to Percy.

"Shampoo, ladies?" Percy asked.

"You disgusting little pervert," one of them said and kicked him in the head. They both dragged Percy out of the shower room and into the hall of main shampoo shindig.

"I’m sorry, I…" Percy started, when a police car pulled up. As shampoo was squirted on Percy from all directions, a police officer walked into the hall. "In the car, you!" he pointed.

"Yes sir," Percy said woefully, and the two policewomen dragged him into the back of the police car.

The drunken shampooers all pointed at Percy and laughed, except for one of them who had shampoo in his eyes and couldn’t see properly.

Inside the car, the policeman started chatting to Percy. "And how are you, then?" he asked.
"I’m alright, yourself?" Percy replied.

"Not bad, kid. Not bad. What’s your name?"

"Percy."

"I’m Constable Henry Frankston, and these two lovely ladies sitting next to you are officers Elisa and Yasmine."

"How do you do?" Percy asked them. They simultaneously punched Percy in the head.

"Ow," Percy complained. "That really hurt!"

"I was just thinking, Percy," Constable Frankston started. "Breath. It’s an interesting thing, isn’t it."

"I guess so," Percy said. "Do you think I could get something to eat?"

"Wait, Percy. I want you to smell everyone’s breath in this car and tell me whose is the worst."

"Do I have to?" Percy asked. He wasn’t really keen on this idea.

"I’m afraid you do. But as soon as you do, we’ll get something to eat," Constable Frankston promised, smiling.

"Oh, okay," Percy shrugged. The two policewomen breathed on Percy. He didn’t actually breathe in any of their breath; it was his plan you see. He’d hold his breath and tell everyone that their breath was lovely.

"You have lovely breath," Percy told them. The two women frowned at him.

Poor Percy. He wasn’t ready for Constable Frankston. He took a deep breath, so that he could hold it while he pretended to smell the policeman’s breath. However, as Percy took the deep inhalation, he also took a whiff of Constable Frankston’s evil smelling breath.

"Ha! How do you like that!" the constable laughed. Percy felt sick. It wasn’t very nice, let me tell you.

"Y-yours is definitely the worst. Can I have some food now?" Percy asked, his head spinning.

"Sure," Constable Frankston said, and parked the car outside a theatre restaurant. "Come on! In we go!"

"Yay!" Officer Yasmine clapped. She loved theatre restaurants.

Percy, Constable Frankston, Officer Elisa and Officer Yasmine all got out of the police car and went into ‘The Lion King’ Theatre restaurant. "This should be sensational!" Officer Yasmine smiled.

As they walked into the restaurant, a Frenchmen smiled at them. "You are here for ze dinner?"
"Oh, yes," Constable Frankston said. "Dinner for three, thanks."

"What about me?" Percy asked.

"It’s okay," Constable Frankston smiled. "I’m not eating. I had Chinese food before."

"I can’t wait to see what food they have here!" Officer Yasmine smiled. "Oh, I love theatre restaurants!"

"Well, signora," the Frenchman grinned. "We have ze omlette and ze pie."

"I thought that you were French!" Officer Elisa argued. "Why did you call her signora?"

"And for you, we have ze lovely buffalo!" he said in a French accent.

Constable Elisa had always been a big fan of buffalo, and was delighted.

"And you, ze pipsqueak, how about I give you ze big bull?"

"Oh," Percy laughed. "Okay, whatever."

"I’m just popping out to get some lettuce," Constable Frankston told them, and left in a jiffy. That’s right, a jiffy.

"In we go!" Officer Yasmine giggled, and ran inside. Percy was left standing next to Officer Elisa.

"I like your police hat," he told her. She responded by taking out gun and pointing it to his head.

"Don’t talk to me you sick, weirdo, freak!" she shouted. "I’ll kill you, you little pervert! I’ll kill you!"

Percy was silent. Why didn’t he resist temptation? Why did he go into that bathroom? Officer Elisa marched inside after Officer Yasmine.

When Percy went inside the whole theatre restaurant part, he saw that there were costumes being given out.

"Who dah!" came a voice. "I am Rafiki, that lovable baboon from that hit Disney film ‘The Lion King’." The man inside the pretty unconvincing baboon costume was giving out lion costumes.

"I love that film!" Officer Yasmine shouted out. "Woo-hoo!"

"Take these costumes," Rafiki told them. "Then you may go into the grassed area."

Percy thought this place was pretty grouse! I mean, you get to eat, and it’s all like that movie, ‘The Lion King’! He and the two ladies put on their costumes and headed out to the grassed area.

"This is the greatest day of my life!" Officer Yasmine declared.

"Is it really?" Officer Elisa asked her.

"I think so," Officer Yasmine said, unsurely. "It’s miles better than the last theatre restaurant I went to last night, the "Back to the Future 2 Theatre restaurant."

They were led by two people, one dressed as a meerkat and the other as a wart hog, into a cage.

"This rocks!" Officer Yasmine yelled out.

Released from somewhere were a buffalo and a bull. Officer Yasmine was simply given a plate with an omelette and a pie on it.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this?" Officer Elisa yelled angrily. "I’m not eating a live buffalo!"

Percy looked at her and smiled. "I don’t want to eat this bull either. These people are stupid, aren’t they!"

Officer Elisa picked up Percy by the shirt. "I warned you, pervert. Now you’re going to pay!"

Officer Yasmine had already finished her omelette and her pie, and looked over to where Officer Elisa was hammering Percy over the head with her baton. "Hey, you two, stop that!" she smiled. "If your not going to eat those animals, can I?"
"Go ahead," Officer Elisa said to her, as she strangled Percy.

"Please, leave me alone!" Percy cried. Suddenly that lovable baboon, Rafiki, interrupted the flow of things.

"Brilliant! Please, will you three work here?" he asked them. "You can play the part of the hyenas! You are perfect!"

"My life is complete!" Officer Yasmine said, falling to her ground. "Monkey-man, you will not regret this."

"Well, I’m not quitting the police department!" Officer Elisa frowned.

"I’ll work here!" Percy said happily. "I’ve always wanted to be a hyena."

"Wait a minute, who is that?" Rafiki wanted to know. Constable Frankston appeared from the shadows.

"Look at all the lettuce I’ve got!" he told them. Then he turned to that lovable baboon. "Who are you?"

"The question is: Who are you?" Rafiki asked him back.

"I thought I knew," he sighed. "Now I’m not so sure."

"Well, I know who you are!" Rafiki laughed. "You’re Mufasa’s boy. He’s alive, and I’ll show him to you. You follow old Rafiki. He knows the way."

As Constable Frankston was led by that lovable baboon to a reflective pool, a man with underpants over his jeans ran inside. "You, child, come with me!" he yelled to Percy.

"But I don’t want to!" Percy replied. "I want to stay here and be a Hyena."

"That is not your calling, child," he said. "No, you will come with me." He dragged Percy out of the ‘Lion King’ theatre restaurant, leaving the cops by themselves.

"Bye, bye!" Officer Yasmine yelled out.

"Weren’t we supposed to be arresting that little perv?" Officer Elisa asked Constable Frankston.

"To be quite honest, I can’t remember," he laughed. "I simply can not remember."

"Who are you? What are you?" Percy asked the man who was quickly dragging him down the street.

"I am Planetman! A superhero like none other! I want a sidekick and you are just the pipsqueak I need!"

"Really? I’m going to be a sidekick! Cool," Percy thought. "But I’m really hungry. Can I get something to eat first?"

"Sure, kid," Planetman said. The two of them went to a fish n’ chip store and ate all they could, talking about each other’s lives, commenting on the political situations in the world, and at one point, Planetman even asked Percy if he’d been to New Zealand before. Percy said no.

"Well, I guess we’d better fight the evil bad guys then," Percy said enthusiastically.

"Right you are, Percy. Or should I say…Planetboy!"

The two of them left in search of the bad guys. On the way, Planetman lifted up the bottom of his pants and revealed a band-aid on his right leg.

"How did that happen?" Percy asked.

"Do you really want to know?" Planetman smiled.

"Yes," Percy replied. "I do."

"I’d tell you, but I can see by your expression that you want to visit a music shop."

Percy looked at him. "How did you know?"

"I’ve seen that expression millions of times before," he winked, stripping off his band-aid, withdrawing a cigarette lighter and then smoking the band-aid. "What CD are you after? Wait, don’t tell me…The Shirelles!"

"How did you know?" Percy smiled.

Suddenly Planetman’s ears pricked up. He’d heard a sound. Bounce, the sound went. Bouncy, bouncy, bounce.

"Are you okay, there?" Percy asked.

"A jumping castle!" Planetman declared. "We’re on the right track!"

"What are you talking about?" Percy asked. "A jumping castle?" The two of them proceeded ahead until they saw a heap of bald men jumping on the castle.

"Those are bad guys," Planetman sneered. "They have wallets that shouldn’t be in their hands!"

"Why not?"

"Because they’ll put them to evil use!" Planetman told Percy. "So here’s what you’re going to have to do. You have to somehow crawl under the jumping castle, and then…" Planetman paused, and gave Percy a book about endangered animals. "Then, make a hole in the bottom of the jumping castle using this book!"

"I’ll do it!" Percy cheered. "But can I just do a pee behind that tree? I’m really busting."

"Nope," Planetman said quickly. "Now puncture that Jumping Castle!"

"But I’m really busting," Percy insisted.

Planetman looked at Percy drearily. "Then I suppose you’re going to have to make the decision."

He took a fork out of his front pocket and dug it into the ground. "You’re either going to puncture that jumping castle and be my official sidekick, or you’re going to pull that fork out of the ground and use it to help you pee on that tree. It’s entirely your decision."

Percy sighed, and took the fork out of the ground. "Well, I’m really busting, Planetman. Thanks for taking me out for fish n’ chips."

"Well, if that’s the way it must be," Planetman sighed. "Goodbye, Percy." Planetman ran onto the jumping castle and started bouncing. "Wee!" he shouted. "Wee!"

Percy ran to the nearest tree and had a bit of a pee. The fork didn’t actually help, but Percy didn’t expect it to in the first place.

"Travel from this place, adolescent underworld bell cow!" came a booming voice from the top of the tree. "There is no sector like home, so leave me alone!"

"Who said that?" Percy wanted to know, and looked up. There was a man up in the tree with a curled moustache, a top hat and a tuxedo.

"Why, my name is Uncle Peter! Who are you? Or as if I don’t know! Mr Carrot!" the man accused Percy.

"Sorry if I disturbed you," Percy apologised. "I’ll go now."

"They’re coming to get me!" Uncle Peter cried in pain. "And if I don’t give those rabbit collectors my blood, they’ll enforce my demise!"

"If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know," Percy said helpfully.

"Please!" Uncle Peter snapped. "I’ve taken a vow of silence and not you, nor anyone else is going to fracture it!"

"What do you mean, you’ve taken a vow of silence?"
"You question me?" Uncle Peter asked, turning slowly to Percy’s face. "Listen boy, don’t question me. I don’t mind if you question others. You don’t even have to question others, you can simply rap with them. Or go scuba diving with them. But don’t question me. Okay? Don’t question me."

"Okay," Percy said.

"As I previously mouthed, those rabbit collectors want my blood," Uncle Peter sighed. "Petite junior, you’re appearance at the blood bank is essential!"

"The blood bank?" Percy asked. "Okay, I’ll give blood. Giving blood is a good thing to do."

Uncle Peter jumped down from the tree. "Notice the night," he told Percy. Then he walked from side to side, clearing the dirt under his feet. "Bleeding dirt!" He turned to Percy and put his hand on the boy’s head firmly. "Let’s advance at a great pace."

Once they arrived at the blood bank, it was morning. It was a long walk, which would have been made quicker if Uncle Peter didn’t insist that they take the scenic route, jumping over people’s fences and moving through their backyards, collecting tennis balls.

"Microwaves!" Uncle Peter announced when they stepped inside the bank.

"What did you say?" Percy asked.

"Donate a deposit! Promptitude please!" he clapped, signalling for some nurses.

"Have you ever given blood before?" they asked.

"No, I haven’t," Percy told them. "Unless you count the time I had a blood nose!"

None of them laughed.

"Hold still," a nurse said, hooking a needle into Percy’s vain. A quick, burning sensation was heard.

"That sound!" Uncle Peter laughed. "That’s the last time I shop at K-Mart!"

"This is not right," the nurse said, shaking her head in disbelief, and unhooking Percy’s vain. "This blood is fake!"

"What?" Uncle Peter shouted in disbelief, his moustache shooting up. "His blood is a forgery?"

"Yes, I’m afraid it is," she said. "I’m sorry for him wasting your time."

Uncle Peter took out his belt. "I’ll donate to you the physical abuse of a generation!" he told Percy angrily. "You set me up!"

Percy ducked. The belt hit the face of an emu that just happened to be running through the blood bank. The large bird was knocked unconscious.

A pair of zookeepers, a man and a woman, ran through the door. "Have you seen our…oh, I see," the woman said quietly, noticing the emu on the floor.

"I incidentally spoiled your emu," Uncle Peter apologised. "Sorry. A belt can do that to a turtle."

"Emus are birds," the man said. "Now, in exchange for your silence in regards to this little fiasco, you must give us that boy."

"Yes," the woman said. "We can’t be bothered going through the trouble of making one ourselves. Give us that boy!"

"Take him," Uncle Peter sneered. He knew that they were being ripped off. "But there are no refunds."

"You mean, if the boy is faulty," the man said angrily, "we don’t get your silence back?"

Uncle Peter paused. "You people are idiots! Shut up, all of you! Leave me alone!"

He took off his shoes and socks and ran away crying.

The woman put her hand on Percy’s shoulder. "You’re coming with us," she said.

"Yes, mum," Percy said sadly.

The zookeeper couple and Percy were soon speeding across the freeway. Destination? The zoo. Which zoo? Does it matter?

"Fan of Elton John, then, son?" Mrs Zoo asked Percy.

"Oh, I suppose he’s okay," Percy said. "He wrote the music to that film, ‘The Lion King’!"

"Forgive my wife," Mr Zoo sighed to Percy. "She’s obsessed with Elton John."

"Are you comfortable, son?" she smiled to Percy.

"Yes, thanks," Percy replied.

"He wouldn’t like you," Mr Zoo continued. "He’s gay, you know!"

"Elton John may be gay," Mrs Zoo said angrily. "But he’s more of a man than you’ll ever be!"

"Take that back!" Mr Zoo yelled, and slammed on the brakes to the car.

"I’m sorry," she smiled meekly.

"That’s better," Mr Zoo huffed and started the car again. "I hope you enjoy McDonalds, Percy. Because we’re eating Mexican tonight."

"Where do you guys live?" Percy asked.

"What was that, Percy? You asked a question about Robert Louis Stevenson? The man who wrote "Treasure Island?"

"Did I?" Percy asked in confusion.

"You did, Percy. You did."

"Well, I was just commenting on his thick plots and adventurous sub-plots."

"Percy, you’re forgetting one important detail," Mr Zoo said, rather loudly. "That he died in Western Samoa!"

Percy seemed shocked.

"Yes, that South Pacific Island of Western Samoa. Have you been there, by any chance?"

"No, I haven’t," Percy told him. But before he could continue the sentence, the car was drowned by the music of that music man, Sir Elton John. The song? Honky cat.

"Turn that garbage off!" Mr Zoo shouted at his wife.

"Poofter…" Mrs Zoo said under her breath. Percy smiled to himself. Mr Zoo was going to slam on the brakes, but he accidentally slammed the accelerator. The car went substantially faster than it had been before.

"What did you call me?" Mr Zoo asked.

"Nothing, darling," Mrs Zoo told him, and he let go of the accelerator.

"Now, son, it’s going to be a long journey home," said Mr Zoo. "So why don’t you fetch me a beer?"

"We’re in a car," Mrs Zoo groaned. "Don’t you think it’s a little hard for him to just reach into the fridge and get you a beer?"

Mr Zoo stopped the car again. "Stop snapping at me! And turn off that man!"

"What?" she asked.

"Elton John!"

She switched off her CD and gave a sneeze.

"You’re so cute when you sneeze," Mr Zoo told her. She smiled back at him, with snot running from her nose.

"Do you think?" she asked. "Maybe I should become a film star!"

"Isn’t zoo keeping good enough for you?" he asked. "If you didn’t accidentally release that emu from its cage when you were using dental floss, this never would have happened!"

"At least we gained a son," she smiled, turning around and scruffing up Percy’s hair. "Of course, we would already have a child if you weren’t so sterile."

Mr Zoo looked at her for a split second, with his bottom lip shaking.

"Oh, darling, I didn’t mean it," she said sympathetically. "Please, don’t cry."

But it was too late, Mr Zoo let out a howl. "Muuuuuummmmy!" he cried.

"I’m your mummy," Mrs Zoo smiled, and gave him a hug.

"No you’re not," Mr Zoo wept. "You’re my wife. We own a zoo together."

She let go of her hysterical husband.

Percy was still looking rather confused at the whole situation.

"Are you blaming me for owning a zoo?" she said angrily. "It’s all because of your surname, you realise that!"

"What!" he asked, still sobbing. "No, that’s not true. We both love the zoo."

"No, it’s all because you were born with the surname ‘Zoo’! I bet that if you were born with the surname ‘manboobs," you’d sell liposuction!"

"Now, you be quiet!" Mr Zoo said, with a mischievous grin. "Why, don’t forget what your surname is."

"What?" asked his wife.

"Zoo, dear. Your surname is zoo."

Mrs Zoo thought for a moment, and then laughed. Mr Zoo laughed to.

"All the time, I thought that we opened up a zoo in your name," she chuckled, "when all along I was partly responsible!"

"I love you, darling!"
"I love you too!"

Percy was actually quite interested in what was going on. The two of them didn’t say anything until a cow could be seen up ahead.

"Oh, look, darling," said Mrs Zoo. "A cow!"

"Mooove!" Mr Zoo giggled.

Mrs Zoo looked at him and laughed. "You’re such a dickhead!" They kissed, stopped the car and stepped out to poach the magnificent bovine cow.

Percy stayed inside and watched them. They seemed to be examining the cow’s ears, in fact, Mr Zoo even took the liberty of taking off his shoelace from his boot, and sticking that hard thing on the end into the cow’s ear-hole.

"Don’t do that," Mrs Zoo said quickly, slapping his hand. "You’ll frighten him!"

After finally taking a rope out, the husband and wife tied the cow upside down onto the top of the car. After firmly strapping it up there, the two of them got in the car.

"You were flirting with that cow," Mrs Zoo sighed.

"Do you think she noticed?" Mr Zoo asked with a cheeky grin. Mrs Zoo’s bottom lip vibrated slightly, then she burst out into tears. He took hold of his wife and kissed her on the cheek. "I was just kidding, darling. That cow means nothing to me."

"Promise?" she asked, sobbing.

"Promise."

"That really hurt," she cried. "You shouldn’t say things like that. I’m really paranoid about that sort of thing."

"Tell you what," Mr Zoo said. "For the rest of the of the journey, you can listen to any song you want."

"Even Elton John?" she smiled.

"Even Elton John," he nodded.

"Even if the song is ‘Benny and the Jets?’" she asked.

"Even if…it’s that song," he laughed.

She threw her arms around him. "Oh, thankyou!" she shouted in happiness, and immediately cranked up the volume of the CD player, setting the song ‘Benny and the Jets’ on repeat.

It was going to be a long drive back, thought Percy. It was going to be a long ride back.

Night had fallen. Mr Zoo, who was driving, was tired. Percy too, was beginning to doze off. However, Mrs Zoo was as alert as ever, and the CD player had repeated the song ‘Benny and the Jets’ by Elton John over one hundred and fifty-six times, and it was playing loudly.

"Well, I think we’d better pull over at this motel," Mr Zoo yawned.

"I’ll just stay in here and listen to this song, darling," Mrs Zoo told him.

"No, you and Percy and I are all going into this motel and that’s that."

"Percy, you’ll stay in here with me and listen to Elton John, won’t you?" she asked him.

Percy said nothing.

"Listen," Mr Zoo said, irritably. "You’ve listened to that music for over twelve hours non-stop. I wouldn’t have minded if it were a range of Elton John songs. But you played that one song, over and over! Well I’m sick of it!"

"You…need help, darling," she told him solemnly.

"I know," he sighed. "I know." They took hold of each other’s hands and walked into the motel.

"HELLO!" came a loud, annoying voice.

"Yes, hello," Mr Zoo said to the owner of the motel. The owner was very fat. He had black, spiky hair and red cheeks. His eyes almost seemed to be glued open, they never blinked. No, really! Percy was staring at them for about five minutes after the conversation, and not once did they flinch, let alone blink!

"DO YOU WANT A ROOM THEN?" asked the owner loudly. "BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE THAT MANY!"

"Do you have enough room for us?" asked Mr Zoo. "We’re Mr and Mrs Zoo, and this is our child, Percy Zoo."

"SO YOU’RE ALL ZOOS! HAHA! GO IN! HERE ARE KEYS!" he shouted and threw the keys extremely hard at Percy’s head. He was in a lot of pain but Percy dared not express it. This was clearly a bad man.

"Thanks," Mrs Zoo said and picked up the keys off the ground. "Come on, guys. In we go! Hakuna Matata!"

The three of them went into the motel, and found the room. It was adequate, it had a double bed, a television, a bathroom, and all the rest.

"Beddy-bies!" Mrs Zoo said. "Into bed, you two!"

Percy didn’t really like the idea of being in the same bed as these two.

Mrs Zoo took a video out of her handbag and inserted it into the VCR.

"What’s that?" asked Mr Zoo.

"You’ll see," Mrs Zoo smiled. Sure enough, the song ‘I guess that’s why they call it the blues’, by Elton John could be heard.

"You’ve got to be joking," Mr Zoo groaned. "I’ve had enough of him, darling!"

"You’re just jealous of him," she said, laughing. "Now hop into bed!"

"Not until you turn off that video!" Mr Zoo shouted.

"It’s not happening, buddy!"

"You’ve never called me ‘buddy’ before!" he said, slightly hurt.

"It’s simple. Hop in bed with me and watch Elton John on video, or go down to sleep in the car."

"I’ll do that then," he rebutted. "Anything’s better than Elton John."

"Okay!" she shouted. "Off you go! We’ll have a great time here, Percy, me and Elton John!"

Mr Zoo walked out the door. Mrs Zoo tapped the bedside. "Hop in, Percy," she said.

Percy sat on the bedside. He was starting to feel really weird. "Hi, uh, mum."

"Son, do you like Elton John?" she asked.

"Yeah," Percy shrugged. He didn’t mind those ‘Lion King’ songs, but after twelve hours of him that day, he was actually sick of him.

"You know, I like Elton John more than a friend," she whispered to Percy. "Don’t you?"

Percy looked at her strangely. "Ew! No!" he yelled back.

"Your father used to be just like him when we met," she said.

"How did you two meet?" Percy asked her.

"On an escalator," she said. "I got my bra caught in it."

"Oh," Percy said quietly.

She cracked up laughing. "No, silly! I got my dress caught in it. He saw me…he saved my life! He stopped the escalator!"

"That’s nice," Percy replied. "Then what happened?"

"I can’t remember," she laughed. "I’m not kidding, son. I can’t remember getting married at all!"

"What?" Percy asked. This situation of his parents was getting stranger and stranger.

"I don’t even know who my husband is!"

"It’s dad!"

"Oh," she said, thinking. "That’s right."

"What’s the zoo like, mummy?" Percy asked.

"It’s nice," she said. "For a swimming pool."

"What?" Percy asked again.

She shook her head. "Sorry, it’s a zoo. Sorry." Then she took hold of Percy and looked at him in the eye. "I think that your father is having an affair."

"What?" Percy asked. "No! He can’t be!"

"That cow that’s strapped to the car…I saw how he was cracking on to her. He put his shoelace in her ear. He never does that to me. I ask him to do that all the time, but he never does. Says it’s to kinky for me."

"Right," Percy said slowly.

"Tomorrow, Percy," she asked. "Oh, forget it.’

"No, what is it?" Percy wanted to know.

"Tomorrow, could you…flirt with me a little? Just in front of your father."

"I don’t know," Percy began.

Suddenly Mr Zoo burst through the door. "The cow! It’s gone!"

"But that’s our dinner!" Mrs Zoo shouted out. "Where did it go?"

"Why don’t you ask the owner?" Percy suggested.

"Good, we’ll do that!" Mrs Zoo said. "Percy, keep my bed warm!"

Percy stayed seated, and his parents walked out of the room. He was so tired, he fell asleep on the spot.

He woke up next morning, as you do, and could see his mother putting on make-up and singing.

"What are you so happy about?" Percy asked her, smiling.

"That fat tart of a cow is gone!" she laughed.

"Where?" Percy wanted to know.

"The owner explained everything. He let it go into the wild for environmental purposes. Anyway, your father apologised for the affair and now we’re going back home."

"The zoo?" Percy asked.

"That’s right," she smiled.

"Come on dear," Mr Zoo smiled. "We’ve got a long drive ahead of us!"

Mrs Zoo laughed, slapped her husband in the face, and left out of the motel to the reception.

"DID YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY?" he shouted in his annoying voice.

"Yes, it was…an interesting ride," Mr Zoo grinned. His wife frowned at him.

"SORRY ABOUT THAT COW BUT WHAT I DID IS WHAT I DID!" the owner screamed politely.

"Yes, that’s fine," Mrs Zoo said. "And it’s gone forever!"

Soon they were in the car again and were driving. Thankfully, the only music that could be heard was Mrs Zoo humming the music to Elton John’s ‘I’m Still Standing’."

"You men, you’re all the same!" Mrs Zoo frowned. "You see a cow and you can’t resist!"

Mr Zoo smiled.

"Oh, you’re happy, aren’t you! You don’t even stop for a minute to think how you’re little affair affects Percy!"

Percy remained silent.

"Percy treats me better than you! He knows how to treat me! He’s just like Elton John. He can please me in ways you never could!" she yelled.

Once again, Mr Zoo slammed on the brakes to their car. "What are you talking about, you and Percy?"

"That’s right," she smiled. "Percy and I spent the night together!"

"I didn’t adopt him for that!" Mr Zoo yelled back.

"I’m adopted?" Percy asked.

"That’s right!" Mrs Zoo shouted. "We adopted you, yesterday! And you’re my new lover!"

"What? How could you?" Mr Zoo asked.

"You shouldn’t have had that affair with that cow!" she shouted.

"But I was just joking!" he shouted back. "I thought you knew!"

"Well, I was just kidding about Percy!" she yelled. "I thought you knew!" Suddenly she sneezed again. Snot blew all over the windscreen.

"I love you," Mr Zoo smiled, turning to her.

"I love you too," she smiled back, wiping her nose on the seatbelt. There was a period of well-feeling that lasted until they arrived at the zoo an hour later. Percy enjoyed the silence, it gave him time to think. But the more he thought, the more confused he became.

"Here we all are now!" Mr Zoo laughed as they pulled up to the Zoo.

"Do you like it, Percy?" Mrs Zoo asked. "Do you really like it?"

"Not bad," Percy replied. "Not bad at all."

But what a zoo! It had orangutans with slippery-slides! It had elephants with underpants! It had gorillas that were given toilet facilities that challenged an almighty casino! And they put cardboard on their heads as it rained!

"Oh no," Mrs Zoo sighed. "It’s raining. You’d better take little Percy on a tour of our zoo, darling."

"No problem, buddy," Mr Zoo told her, and he and Percy left the car and walked immediately to the Giraffe’s cage.

"You know what," he asked Percy. "I certainly don’t feel suicidal here."

"I guess it’s great to have a zoo," Percy said.

"But Robert Louise Stevenson had it all, really," Mr Zoo huffed. "Oh yeah he did! Living it up, he was!"

"I haven’t actually read Treasure Island," Percy said reluctantly.

"Neither have I," Mr Zoo said. "But what I do know is that he died in Western Samoa, that happy little Island in the South Pacific."

"Can I see the giraffes and their long, long, long necks?"

"Percy, understand this! Robert Louis Stevenson wrote Treasure Island and he died on an island!"

"Oh yeah!" Percy recalled. "Yes he certainly did. You know, I heard that Roald Dahl…"

"The treasure of Robert Louise Stevenson, the pirate."

Percy looked at his adoptive father blankly.

"Off we go then," Mr Zoo sighed. He led Percy to the giraffes.

"I really like looking at giraffes," Percy told him happily. "They have long necks. Thankyou so much…father!"

Mr Zoo looked at his second-rate son and grinned. "I’m glad you feel that way! Because your cage is right next to them!"

"Beg yours?" Percy asked.

"Now, into your cage. You’ll be our biggest tourist attraction yet!" Percy was thrown inside, locked inside and left inside. Like a lonely hound-dog, if I may say so.

And little Percy was forced to endure the hardships that go hand-in-hand with captivity; kids throwing sticks and onions at your head, old men and women throwing their arms in the air and running off at the sight of you, trainers making you chase fish by throwing them on the other side of the pool, and so on. And that was the last Percy heard of that lovely couple, the Zoos. Because what was about to happen would change everything.