Percy Pumpernickel gave another shrug. The poor little fourteen-year-old just didn’t know the answer.

‘Give it another shot, Percy,’ said Mr Winterbottom.

‘Thirty-seven out of ninety?’

‘Wrong! Try again!’

‘Eight-thousand, three hundred and twelve point nine eight six?’

‘Wrong! Try again!’

This wasn’t getting anywhere. It wasn’t so much that Percy was stupid, it was more the fact that he didn’t know the question. His school bag had been set on fire the day before and along with many other things, his maths book was part of a large pile of ashes. He had no point of reference, but his teacher didn’t care.

‘Eighty?’ Percy tried.

‘Wrong, Percy! Wrong, wrong, wrong! You haven’t done your homework, have you?’

Percy shook his head. ‘My maths book was destroyed when my bag was set on fire, sir.’

Mr Winterbottom sighed and walked over to his desk. He brought out of the drawer a doll, designed to look just like Percy. It had brown, wavy hair and a green school blazer, with a tag at the end reading Percy.

‘You had better come up with a better excuse than that, Percy,’ Mr Winterbottom snarled.

‘But it’s true sir!’ Percy cried. ‘I’m not lying! My entire school bag was burned yesterday! It was set on fire in class!’

Mr Winterbottom gave a sigh and brought a pin out of his top pocket, which he slowly inserted into the back of the doll. He held it out to the class so that all could see.

Percy had never had the voodoo doll treatment done to him before and was so alarmed, that he didn’t notice that his neck was burning until a few seconds later.

‘Look everyone! Percy’s on fire!’ yelled the boy behind him, Stav Don Buolmwipe, as he put the cigarette lighter back into his pocket. He threw Percy off his seat and stamped on his back. ‘Everyone, help me put it out!’

The entire class of boys, as well as Mr Winterbottom himself, helped stamp out the fire. By the end, Percy was unconscious.

‘Wow, this voodoo thing works great!’ Mr Winterbottom laughed.

Percy’s mother was not happy when he came back from hospital with his blazer in a jar. It had been incinerated, just as his bag had the day before. No matter what Percy said, her belief was that he had set his bag and blazer on fire deliberately. She had threatened to send him away to live with his grandmother if he tried anymore pranks.

The next day, she sent him out on a mission. He had been given 170 dollars to buy a new bag and blazer and should he fail, it was to grandma’s with him. Understandably, he was nervous. A month ago, he had brought only one dollar to school for a packet of chips. He wasn’t long in the canteen line before he felt a sensation in his right ear. It was his classmate, Stav Don Buolmwipe, and he had dropped an earwig inside. ‘Should be right at home there!’ Stav had laughed. As Percy had frantically tried to knock it out, Stav helped delivering a punch to the left side of his head. The good news was that the earwig was gone, but the bad news was that Percy had fallen to the ground in pain and Stav had stolen the dollar.

With 169 more reasons to beat him up, Percy tried his best to avoid Stav. Which was hard when he sat next to him in class.

‘Hi, Percy! Where’s your blazer?’ Stav asked him nicely. He was actually quite a polite young student, who spoke in a friendly manner at all times. Even when setting Percy on fire, there was never a malicious tone to be detected.

‘You set it on fire yesterday,’ Percy replied, trying to concentrate on the class.

Mr Winterbottom was teaching religious education. He taught many subjects in Percy’s class, as well as being his homeroom teacher and a co-ordinator for the entire level of year eight. They were looking at the Old Testament of the bible, in Leviticus, chapter seven.

‘Percy,’ he asked, ‘is what you are talking about with Stav more important than the rules on how to lay the fat down on an altar when making a sacrifice?’

Percy shrugged.

‘No, it isn’t. So pay attention!’

Stav was looking at Percy with a grin. He tapped him on the shoulder. ‘Oi!’ he whispered. ‘Aren’t you going to buy a new blazer and school bag? You can’t go around here without a blazer and school bag for the rest of your life! You’ll look gay!’

‘I’m going to buy one after class,’ Percy whispered back. ‘The uniform shop isn’t open yet!’

Stav’s eyes widened and he looked at Percy sharply. ‘Mate, you know exactly what’s going to happen now, right?’

Percy looked at him nervously. ‘Well, I thought I could just…’

‘No Percy,’ he smiled, opening up his pencil case and showing him an earwig. Percy looked at it fearfully. ‘Just give me the money,’ Stav sighed.

Percy nodded and reached down for his shoelaces. He untied his shoe and slid off his right sock, reaching inside and bringing out a collection of notes.

Stav looked quite pleased. ‘Awesome,’ he grinned, rubbing his hands together.

‘Percy!’ Mr Winterbottom called out. ‘What could possibly be more important than what I am reading?’ He looked at the money Percy’s hand. ‘Oh, I see. Bring it up here, Percy,’ he demanded. As Percy slipped his shoe back on and handed his teacher the money, Stav didn’t look pleased. Percy, on the other hand, was relieved. He was saved! Stav couldn’t get the money now!

‘I’ll get the money back later, right?’ Percy asked.

Mr Winterbottom smiled at him with a wink and nodded. ‘Just sit down, Percy,’ he chuckled.

Percy happily returned to his seat. Stav frowned at him and took the earwig out of his pencil case.

Percy’s head still hurt as he entered the lair of his teacher, Mr Winterbottom.

‘Come in,’ he heard. ‘What do you want?’

‘I’m sorry about before,’ Percy apologised, ‘but I needed the money for a new blazer and school bag.’

‘You’d better get it soon,’ he scoffed. ‘Being set on fire isn’t an excuse. What’s your name again?’

‘Percy, sir.’

‘And you want your money back, right?’ Mr Winterbottom asked, reaching into the pocket of his suit. ‘Here you go!’ He held out a photograph of what looked like a piece of crap in a toilet.

Percy was confused.

‘This is a photo of a toilet,’ Mr Winterbottom told Percy sternly, the wrinkles on his forehead showing. ‘Just before, I went to the toilet and before flushing, I took this picture with my Polaroid camera. Look at it!’

Percy squirmed and took a step back.

‘Now, leaving that aside, you seem to think that I owe you money. Could you please stand closer to the window?’

Percy obeyed this request and as the blinds were opened, he saw a duck standing there. It quacked at him.

‘This is my new duck. I bought it right after class, you see. I drove over to this man’s house and he had a duck there. He was giving it away for free but I decided that was a bit too cheap, so I gave him 170 dollars. Of your money.’

Percy’s jaw dropped. ‘What? I needed that money! You can’t just spend it like that! It wasn’t yours!’

Mr Winterbottom angrily reached over to the table and showed him the photograph of the unflushed toilet again. ‘Percy, I have just about had enough of you. I don’t know you well, but I am going to make the announcement, right here. I hate you, Percy. You cause disruption in this school and I can’t stand you.’ He put the photo down, turned on the intercom and picked up the handset. ‘I have a naughty boy here, repeat, I have a naughty boy here.’

Within seconds, three large men in suits and sunglasses stepped into the office, pushed Percy to the ground and tied him up. Over the next hour, they tattooed onto the back of his neck the word naughty.

Percy was later pushed violently out of the office and released. He shook his head quickly, and dusted himself off. Now that, he didn’t expect. He didn’t expect Stav to be waiting for him either.

‘What on earth took you so long?’ Stav asked Percy.

‘Thanks to you, I am now naughty. I hope you’re happy!’

Stav looked unconcerned. ‘Did you get your money back?’

‘No,’ Percy replied. ‘He spent it on a duck. And I’m not lying either.’

Stav took an earwig out of his pocket.

‘Oh, I guess you weren’t lying,’ Stav smiled a few seconds later, as Percy cradled his skull on the ground. ‘Where is it then?’

‘I told you,’ Percy cried. ‘He used it to buy a duck!’

Stav gasped. ‘So you’ve lost your money?’

‘Yes!’

‘I…am so sorry,’ Stav said, the smile leaving his face. ‘I was only joking around.’

‘I am screwed!’ Percy cried. ‘My mum will be so angry when she finds out I lost the money! And she won’t believe that Mr Winterbottom stole it either! She never believes a word I say!’

‘Percy, I know exactly what it is…to hurt,’ Stav said softly. ‘I’ll tell you what. I’ll help you get the money back.’

‘Really?’

‘It’s the least I can do. I shouldn’t have got you in this mess to begin with.’

Percy looked at Stav in amazement. ‘Wow! You do mean it! That’s great!’

A tear fell from Stav’s eye. ‘I only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me!’ He adjusted his tie. ‘Now come on, Percy! We’re going to get your money back!’

He and Percy shook hands.

‘This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship,’ Percy smiled.

‘Okay, you know the plan, Percy,’ Stav said. ‘Mr Winterbottom and I are buddies, so it’ll be easy distracting him. You just have to crawl into his office and steal the duck! Then we can sell it back to…someone.’

‘I’m not stealing it really,’ Percy replied. ‘I’m really just taking what is rightfully mine.’

‘Whatever you reckon,’ Stav laughed. ‘Now go around the back, quickly!’

Percy nodded and ran around the corner as Stav knocked on the door to Mr Winterbottom’s office.

‘Why, hello Stav!’ Mr Winterbottom smiled. ‘What can I do for you, mate?’

As Mr Winterbottom stepped out of the office, Percy crawled in through the outside window.

‘It’s just about that kid, Percy,’ Stav replied. ‘I don’t like to go dobbing on people, but he’s been bullying me lately.’

Mr Winterbottom looked at Stav sympathetically. ‘That little bastard. Please, come inside my office and we’ll talk about it.’

Percy dived behind a filing cabinet and anxiously waited for Stav distract his teacher. What was Stav talking about?

Stav sat down at the table with Mr Winterbottom and dropped his head, fiddling nervously with his tie. ‘Don’t tell Percy I’m saying this, but the other day, he called me a loser, and made fun of me for being Russian. He said that I was a Russian bastard and then he kicked me in the stomach,’ Stav lied.

Percy, peeping out from behind the filing cabinet, wondered whether Stav’s methods of distraction would work. The best way to distract him would be to talk about something that wasn’t Percy-related. Nevertheless, he could see the duck. It was right in front of Mr Winterbottom, on top of the desk. It would be nice if Stav could somehow get Mr Winterbottom to move away from that area.

‘I know exactly how you feel about Percy,’ Mr Winterbottom sighed, stroking the duck. ‘He was trying to steal my duck before!’

‘That reminds me, sir!’ Stav said. ‘Percy said that he reckons you are a complete bastard! He’s been telling everyone! And he also tells everyone that you’re gay! And he also told me that he set his own blazer on fire, just so he doesn’t have to wear uniform! And he also tells everyone that your mother is a slut!’

‘He what?’ Mr Winterbottom asked angrily. ‘That’s it! I am going to kill that little piece of shit!’

Percy was becoming understandably angry at these lies, but remained focused. At least they were distracting Mr Winterbottom somewhat.

Stav quickly looked down at Percy and winked. He then got out of his chair. ‘Sir, I want to show you something outside! Percy wrote on the school bulletin board that you are a fag! Come with me!’

Mr Winterbottom stood up, leaving his duck on the table, and followed Stav to the door. ‘Percy is so dead!’ he said viscously.

‘Now is my chance,’ Percy whispered to himself and reached over to the duck.

‘Mr Winterbottom!’ Stav yelled, sticking his head back inside the office. ‘Percy is in your office! He’s stealing your duck!’

Percy was horrified. Was this how Stav planned to distract him?

‘You!" shouted Mr Winterbottom and ran inside.

Percy held the duck in his arms. ‘Stav, what the hell…?’ he began.

‘Percy! You dirty little arsehole! I hate you!’ Mr Winterbottom shouted. ‘Stav, leave the room please. I am going to do something to Percy I should have done a long time ago.’

Stav walked out of the room but peeped inside to see Mr Winterbottom take the duck from Percy, and squeeze it over his head. To put it simply, he made the duck crap in Percy’s hair.

‘Shit-head,’ Mr Winterbottom growled, and threw Percy into the wall. ‘I’ve heard what you’ve been telling everyone you little turd! And you’d better come to school tomorrow in full uniform. He then picked up the intercom microphone. ‘We have a naughty trespasser,’ he said coldly, and before long the same group of men in black suits and sunglasses arrived. ‘Show him what we do to naughty students!’ he commanded, and they took him away.

‘You only had to clean up the yard?’ Stav asked Percy later, as they sat in line to play baseball for the school sports. ‘That wasn’t so bad!’

‘Yes, but as I said before,’ Percy replied, ‘they made me do it dressed in a bikini, with bulldogs chasing me, and they videotaped the whole thing and it’s going to be shown in front of the whole school next week at assembly!’

‘You did ask for it. You shouldn’t have been stealing the duck!’

‘But you told me to do it!’

‘Come on Percy. Don’t try and put the blame on me.’

‘Why did you lie to Mr Winterbottom and say all of that stuff to him?’

‘What stuff?’ asked Stav.

‘About me bullying you, and about me making fun of Mr Winterbottom! You said I called him a fag! I never said that!’

‘Oh yeah?’ Stav asked. ‘Well, just a few seconds ago you called Mr Winterbottom a fag!’

‘No, I didn’t!’

‘Well, I’m sorry Percy, but I distinctively remember hearing the words Winterbottom and fag in the same sentence!’

‘But I wasn’t calling him that!’ Percy yelled.

‘And just then, you were bullying me!’ Stav accused, pointing a finger at him. ‘You just yelled at me! Well, I’m not deaf, you know! Although you seem to think that I am!’

‘Look, I don’t have time for this. In a few hours, the uniform shop is going to be closed! And I don’t have my money back!’

‘Don’t stress,’ Stav told him. ‘I have a plan.’ He took out his mobile phone and dialled the number to "Uncle Peter’s Cheese Factory". ‘We’ll get your money back, Percy.’

Their team was ahead by thirty-six runs. Percy was on third base, waiting for a chance to run. Stav was up, ready to bat. He hit the ball and Percy ran towards the home base. Unfortunately Percy was tripped up on the way by a fielder and tagged out.

Before Stav could run to the next base, a Volkswagen beetle came speeding from around the corner. The horn honked and the car skidded into the middle of the field, sending the kids running for cover.

‘Ah! Salutations, all who breathe the air of Melbourne!’ announced a tall man, wearing a black suit and a top hat. ‘I come in peace. In fact, I come in duck! Or rather, for duck!’

‘Hey, that man runs the cheese shop!’ a few boys shouted out.

‘That’s me!’ Uncle Peter laughed, giving a wink. ‘Now, where’s my duck?’

Percy and Stav approached him. ‘Hello, Uncle Peter,’ Stav said. ‘My friend Percy and I realise how much you like ducks.’

‘How did you know that?’

‘Because you have that billboard outside your store saying "I like Ducks",’ he replied.

‘Yes, quite," Uncle Peter said, stroking his moustache. ‘Where is this duck you speak of, Nathaniel?’

‘My name is Stav,’ he replied. ‘And the thing is, we don’t actually have the duck here. But we can tell you exactly where to get it!’

Uncle Peter looked at him with a sly smile. ‘Well, it can’t get much fairer than that. I am prepared to offer you the handsome sum of one thousands dollars for that duck!’ he announced.

‘Wow!’ Stav exclaimed. ‘You would pay that much for a duck?’

‘Yes I would,’ Uncle Peter declared, passionately. He looked up to the sky. ‘It is said that a duck is a duck. But to me, they are more than ducks. They are gods! They are brilliant creatures! To think of all the great things ducks have achieved over the years. It was a duck who first landed on the moon! It was a duck who first invented the idea of opening Internet Cafés!’

It was at this point that the teacher supervising the baseball game took offence. ‘Uncle Peter, we’ve told you to stop coming near our school. We don’t want any free tickets to your cheese factory. The parents complain that they don’t like rich men, who call themselves ‘uncles’ for no reason, looking after their children.’

Uncle Peter looked at the teacher in disgust and slapped him in the face. ‘How dare you speak to my body like that! I am Uncle Peter! I can do what I want!’ The teacher frowned and walked away. Uncle Peter withdrew his top hat and brought from under it a collection of 100-dollar notes. ‘Here you are, boys!’ he said quickly, handing them to Stav. ‘I’m off to…’ he began, jumping into the car and looking blankly into the windscreen.

‘Room 24, Boy College,’ Stav explained. ‘You will find a man and a duck in that room. No matter what the man says, it is your duck.’

‘You’re damned right it’s my duck!’ Uncle Peter scoffed. ‘I paid 1000 dollars for it! If he doesn’t like it, I’ll cheese him!’ And with that, he drove away in his Volkswagen beetle.

‘Well, this has probably worked out great for both of us!’ Percy smiled as the baseball game continued. ‘I can take back my 170 dollars, and you can have the rest!’

‘How about no, Percy,’ Stav said, taking an earwig out of his pocket.

Later that night, Percy sat nervously at home, eating dinner with his mother. The whole day had been a disaster. After all that, Stav had taken all of the money. His mother was certain that Percy had spent the money on cocaine and she had once again threatened to send him away to live with his grandma. He wasn’t going to be able to get a uniform tomorrow and Mr Winterbottom would kill him.

As the door knocked, Percy looked through the window and saw that he was early. Mr Winterbottom stood panting, with an angry gaze. There were smears of yellow all over him, from his hair down to his shoes. Had Uncle Peter cheesed him? Percy gulped as his mother opened the door.

‘Hello Mrs Pumpernickel,’ he said politely. ‘I was just wandering if your boy Percy was home?’

‘Sure,’ she said. ‘Come on in.’ She opened the door.

Mr Winterbottom pushed past her and found Percy hiding in the kitchen. ‘There you are you little bastard!’ he roared, and dived at his throat.

‘Percy, what have you done this time?’ his mother wanted to know as his throat was being strangled.

Mr Winterbottom decided that he would reply for Percy, who was finding hard to breathe, let alone speak. ‘Yes, he did! Today, your son stole my duck, had cheese poured on me, and has spread rumours around the school that I was gay! He bullies his fellow students and doesn’t wear correct uniform! And he called my mother a slut!’

‘Is this true?’ Mrs Pumpernickel asked.

Percy kicked Mr Winterbottom away from his throat and began spluttering. ‘No, it’s not,’ he struggled to say.

‘See! He just kicked me!’ Mr Winterbottom pointed. ‘I seriously think you should abort this child of yours! Be rid of him, quickly!’

‘Don’t worry,’ Mrs Pumpernickel said as she led Mr Winterbottom out of the house. ‘Percy won’t get away with this.’

‘Up yours, faggot!’ Mr Winterbottom could be heard saying as he drove away in his car.

‘Well that does it,’ she huffed. ‘Go up to your room, young man! I have had it with you! One more slip up, and you’re out of here!’

A tear left Percy’s eye as he moped upstairs.

Percy lay in bed that night as terrifying thoughts filled his mind. One more slip up and he was leaving! He didn’t want to leave home! He’d lived there his whole life!

Before he could worry anymore about that, he heard the sound of footsteps on the roof. He got out of his bed and opened up the window. Looking out he saw a Volkswagen Beetle parked outside! What did Uncle Peter want? Surely he was happy with his duck!

He felt increasingly tense and nervous as he heard the sounds of roof tiles breaking. He felt even more nervous when he heard what sounded like chickens clucking and monkeys screaming.

At that moment a hippo fell through the plaster of the roof. ‘What the hell?’ Percy yelled. Crawling from out of the plaster came Uncle Peter. He had a duck in his hands and pointed it at Percy.

‘You call this a duck?’ he spat. ‘This is an elephant!’

‘How did you get all of these animals on my roof?’ Percy asked, in fright. ‘What are you doing? Are you trying to get me in even more trouble?’

‘Shut your vocal portal!’ Uncle Peter roared. ‘You have ripped me off! This is all part of a hoax! I paid one-thousand dollars for a duck, and you deceive me with this…this elephant!’

Percy switched on his light. ‘That is a duck. I don’t know how you can mistake that for an elephant.’

‘It has a beak, it has webbed feet and oily feathers used for floating on water!’ Uncle Peter spat angrily. ‘Of course it is an elephant, you domesticated mortgage basket!’

‘What did you call me?’ Percy asked.

‘I called you a scoundrel!’ Uncle Peter replied. ‘I want my duck!’

‘Listen, you are mistaken. Ducks are birds with webbed feet. Elephants are huge, grey animals with a long nose and tusks!’

‘Those would be ducks,’ Uncle Peter smiled derisively, shaking his head.

‘No, those are elephants. I gave you a duck!’ Percy insisted.

Uncle Peter took out a dictionary and looked up the word duck. ‘Ah! Here it is, simpleton! DUCK: A grey proboscideon mammal, with large flapping ears and a trunk.’

‘Let me see that!’ Percy demanded, taking the dictionary. ‘You’ve written that yourself! You have put whiteout over what used to describe what was really a duck!’

‘Impossible,’ Uncle Peter laughed. ‘You are obviously trying to bluff me. Well Uncle Peter wasn’t born in the last lawn mower. You have sold me a defective animal. Now you shall pay!’

He brought from the attic a hose. ‘I hope you like cheese, you igloo, because you’re going to have enough to last you an entire breakfast!’

Percy ducked and the cheese sprayed the nearby hippopotamus. It reacted by spraying dung all over his bed.

‘Oh my fish!’ Uncle Peter shouted, and ran to comfort the hippo. ‘I am terribly sorry. I did not mean to spray you. I was aiming at that knave over there!’

All of a sudden the plaster caved in, resulting in an influx of primates and chickens. Uncle Peter jumped out of the window with the duck in his arms, and drove away just before Percy’s mother opened the bedroom door.

‘What’s going on in here?’ she yelled as she saw Percy surrounded by monkeys, chickens, a cow and a hippo. There was cheese splattered on the wall and dung sprayed on his bed. The plaster from the ceiling had caved in.

‘I swear it wasn’t me, mum,’ Percy said, nervously.

The next morning he woke up at his grandma’s house.