A TALE OF TWO TOASTERS
SCENE ONE – Outside Kevin’s house
Outside a house, salesman David knocks on the front door. He has with him a large brown box. Kevin, dressed as if he has just woken from bed, opens the door.
DAVID (brightly): Sir, this is your lucky day! I represent Rodgerson’s Corporation and we are offering you a special deal!
He takes a large white toaster out of the box. Kevin looks dazed and confused.
DAVID: This is the very latest in toaster technology. You’ll be the envy of all your friends. Now while the usual price for one of these babies is over nine grand, just for you, I am prepared to drop the price down to only eighty dollars!
KEVIN (nervously): But I’ve already got a toaster.
DAVID (frowning): Are you stupid or something? This isn’t a toaster, this is the toaster!
KEVIN: Yeah, but…
DAVID (sighing): Okay, show us your toaster, then!
Kevin shrugs and goes inside. Within a few seconds, he returns with his black toaster. David looks at it in disgust.
DAVID: What the hell do you call that? That’s not a toaster! That’s a dud! It’s disgusting, it’s feral!
He snatched it out of Kevin’s hands, and throws it on the ground as hard as he can. Kevin looks frightened and flinches.
DAVID (with a sly grin): See? The toaster is useless. What you need is one of these!
Kevin looks dumbfounded. Nervously he takes his wallet out and gives David eighty dollars.
DAVID: Pleasure doing business with you.
SCENE TWO – Kitchen
Inside the kitchen of Kevin’s house the next morning, we see his mother.
MUM: Kevin! Where’s the toaster? Why is there a new one here?
Kevin runs into the kitchen.
MUM: What have you done with the old toaster?
KEVIN: Well, it’s a pretty funny story.
She gives him a cold stare.
KEVIN: I just thought that we needed a new one.
MUM: What was wrong with the old one?
KEVIN (in frustration) : The salesman broke it, okay? So I bought this Rodgerson’s toaster from him for eighty dollars. It was a bargain!
His mother is horrified. Kevin looks worried.
MUM: This toaster doesn’t even work, you idiot!
KEVIN (stunned): It doesn’t?
MUM: No! It doesn’t toast bread, it melts it!
KEVIN: But it’s still a bargain –
MUM: You never do anything right, do you? Never answer the door when I am not here, understand me!
KEVIN: But mum, I’m thirty-two now! I can look after myself!
MUM: Don’t talk back to me, young man. Stay put while I call my lawyer. We’re going to get your money back!
KEVIN: No, wait, mum, I’ll get it back. I’m a grown man now, I don’t need my mother to do everything for me.
MUM: Okay, then. Get my toaster back!
KEVIN (uneasily): Now?
MUM: Yes, now!
Kevin is pushed out of the front door.
SCENE THREE – David’s office
In an office, David is sitting at a desk, watching Jerry Springer on television. Someone knocks the door. David switches the television off and the door opens.
DAVID: Oh, it’s you.
He turns the television back on. Kevin steps forward into the office with the new toaster in his arms.
KEVIN: Excuse me sir? You sold me a toaster yesterday.
DAVID (angrily): So? So what if I sold you a toaster yesterday?
KEVIN: Well, two things. Firstly, you broke my old toaster, and secondly, this new one doesn’t work.
David looks at Kevin in disgust.
DAVID: So? So what?
KEVIN: Well, I was wondering if I -
DAVID (groaning): You want your money back, don’t you.
Kevin nods.
DAVID: If I gave you your money back, that wouldn’t be fair on everyone else I sold toasters to, would it?
KEVIN: But I have the toaster you sold me, right here.
DAVID: Look, I don’t know who you think you are, but I’m watching Jerry Springer, so could you just walk out of my office please? You can exit through the same door you came in. Thank you.
Kevin shrugs and walks out. He looks down at the new toaster and sighs.
SCENE FOUR – Outside Kevin’s house
Kevin’s mum opens the door for him that evening. Kevin’s head is lowered in shame – he has the toaster in his arms.
MUM: You didn’t get the money back, did you Kevin?
KEVIN: The salesman wasn’t at the office today.
MUM (angrily, pointing at him): Don’t lie to me, Kevin! I’m ringing my lawyer!
KEVIN (pleadingly): No, wait mum! I’ll go back tomorrow. I’ll show you, I can stick up for myself!
MUM: Tomorrow is the last time, Kevin. If you don’t get the money back, we’re suing the company! Now go to your room!
KEVIN (woefully): Yes, mum.
Kevin goes to his room.
SCENE FIVE – Outside and inside David’s office
Kevin is walking down the corridor to David’s office. He has a piece of paper in his hand, toaster in the other.
KEVIN (reading to himself): Give me back my money, or else! Give me back my money, or else!
He marches to the door of David’s office and stands outside.
KEVIN (to himself): This is it, Kevin! I am going to show David that I don’t need my mum to stick up for me!
He slams open the door. He accidentally drops the piece of paper on the floor.
DAVID: You again?
He picks up the piece of paper.
DAVID (reading): Give me back my money or else?
Kevin nervously nods his head.
DAVID: Is that a threat? I think it is!
He scrunches up the paper, then slams his fist on the table.
DAVID: I thought I told you to leave!
Kevin looks at him angrily, but says nothing. David gives a sigh, gets up from his chair, and takes the toaster from Kevin. Kevin gives a smile and looks relieved. Until David violently steps on the toaster, smashing it in two, and hands it back to Kevin.
DAVID (smiling): There’s no way you’re getting a refund on this, mate. Someone’s stepped on it.
KEVIN: But you stepped on it!
David stops smiling.
DAVID: I am really staring to get sick of you. Now, I’m giving you until the count of five to get out of my office! Five, four, three, two, one!
Kevin doesn’t move – he simply looks scared.
DAVID: You asked for it!
David deals a blow to Kevin’s rib, pushes him out of his office and slams the door. Kevin picks up the toaster and once again walks home shamefully.
SCENE SIX – Outside Kevin’s house
Kevin’s mum opens the front door that evening and groans as she sees the toaster in Kevin’s hand again.
MUM: You’ve still haven’t got your bloody money back, have you? Well, I’m calling the lawyer. Kevin, you are pathetic.
KEVIN: I’m sorry, mum.
MUM: I don’t want to hear it, Kevin! Now go to your room! No tea tonight!
KEVIN: Yes mum.
She approaches the phone, and Kevin slinks to his room.
SCENE SEVEN – Kevin’s room
Kevin lies in bed, looking quite depressed. He becomes quite agitated when he hears a tap on the window. He draws open the curtains, only to see David.
KEVIN (gasping): What do you want? I’m sorry I pestered you before! Sorry if mum sued you! I didn’t ask her to, she did it on her own!
DAVID (with a smile): It’s okay Kevin. I was just thinking about what you told me today, and you’re right! I’d better give you back your money, or else!
KEVIN: Please don’t hurt me.
David opens the window up, and hands over a new black toaster, and eighty dollars.
DAVID: I’m really sorry about everything, mate. Here’s everything I owe you. I was wrong and you were right.
KEVIN (smiling): Oh, yeah. I was!
Kevin hands him back the white toaster he bought from him, and David quickly leaves. Kevin looks proud.
KEVIN (to himself): That threat I used must have scared him!
He puts the money away, places the toaster next to his bed and goes to sleep.
SCENE EIGHT - Kitchen
Kevin walks into the kitchen. He has a large grin, and so does his mum.
KEVIN: Good morning mum.
MUM: Good morning son. I’m sorry I was hard on you last night. You tried your best.
KEVIN: Speaking of which, mum, it turns out that I did get the money back after all! I must have scared the man so much that he realised I wasn’t just a boy – I was a man!
MUM (angrily): What? You got the money back?
KEVIN (smiling): Yeah, and the old toaster is back too! I’m no longer dependant on you mum! I can do things for myself!
Kevin looks at her with a smile. She gets up and hits him on the head. Kevin flinches.
MUM: Kevin, you absolute idiot! Do you know how much my lawyer was going to get from the toaster company? Forty thousand dollars!
KEVIN: But I got the toaster back. We haven’t lost anything, have we?
MUM: What about my legal fees? And we could have got forty thousand dollars, you idiot!
KEVIN: But I still stuck up for myself, mum! I proved that I am a man!
MUM: He only gave you back the money because he found out he’d lose forty thousand dollars! Don’t you get it you idiot? You can’t look after yourself Kevin, so don’t give me that garbage about you being a man! Now go to your room!
Kevin lowers his head in shame and goes back to his room.