The cameras were rolling. Gary Hamster gave a wide smile, flashing his pearly-white teeth and lifting the microphone.

‘We’ve been given a letter from Daryl, who lives in Victoria! He wants us to visit Stuart, a friend of his from high school, who he says is an absolute loser! He doesn’t know we’re coming, so let’s go and surprise him!’

With his two co-hosts and a camera crew behind him, Gary opened the door and made his way into the dark, murky house. A guitar was being strummed from the end of the corridor where a dim light shone from a room. Inside was an unshaved young man with long hair. He looked up in a daze to see Gary’s smiling face.

‘Get a life, you loser!’ he chanted with his two co-hosts, staring happily into Stuart’s stunned face.

Stuart’s eyes blinked a few times. ‘Who are you?’ he asked uncomfortably.

Gary laughed. ‘Who am I!’ he repeated to the camera crew, chuckling. ‘Only the host to the highest rating television show in Australia!’ Noticing Stuart had no idea what he was talking about, he ordered for the cameras to stop rolling. ‘You’ve never seen my show, have you?’ he asked, irritably.

‘I don’t really watch TV,’ Stuart replied.

Gary looked offended. ‘Look, this is a reality TV show called ‘Get a life’. My co-hosts and I travel the country, giving losers like you makeovers. Just do what we say and you’ll be fine.’

Stuart shook his head. ‘I’d prefer not to.’

‘What?’ Gary asked. ‘Why not?’

‘Because of birds,’ Stuart told him, staring into his eyes. ‘I am not stepping out of this house ever again. The birds are out to get me. They want to attack and destroy me!’

Gary looked over to his co-hosts. ‘This guy really is a weirdo,’ he told them.

‘When I was young I was constantly attacked by birds,’ Stuart continued, his eyes opening wider. ‘It doesn’t matter which kind, they all hate me. Whenever I am outdoors they attack!’

The cameras stopped rolling. ‘That’s great,’ said Gary. ‘Keep up the insane bird talk, it really emphasises the fact that you’re a loser.’

He was then approached by a large, muscle-bound man, who gave him a hard slap on the back. ‘We’re taking you through three steps, Stuart. I’m Doberman George and I will get you fit and tanked up! Vanessa Vanderbilt here will teach you how to pick up chicks, and Gary Hamster will teach you how to become a successful businessman! By the end, Stuart, you will no longer be a loser. You will be an ex-loser!’

‘But the birds…’ Stuart began.

‘Seriously, lay off this bird thing,’ Vanessa told him. ‘And shave off that beard before tomorrow, when Doberman comes around.’

As the camera crew left the house, Stuart sighed and opened his chest of drawers. It was time to unearth his mask.

The big match was about to start. For the last week, Stuart had been training hard with Doberman George to become a fit, tough and athletic young football player.

‘For god’s sake, why are you wearing a plastic banana on your head?’ Doberman asked him.

‘Look, this is the only mask I can wear and know for sure the birds won’t attack me,’ Stuart explained. The yellow, smile-shaped banana covered his head so that only his eyes could be seen.

‘Look, a real man doesn’t use a mask!’ he yelled. ‘Now take that ridiculous thing off your head, get out there and show them what you’re made of!’

Stuart did what he was told and ran onto the field. Every few seconds he would look around, in case a bird flew nearby.

No time for that, however, when the football was passed to him. He began sprinting, bouncing the ball a few times. The goal was just ahead! Unfortunately, that was when he heard the squawk of a seagull. He tried to kick the goal but it was too late. They swooped down and knocked him straight to the ground, pecking him all over as he lay in agony. By this time, the other team had kicked a goal.

Doberman shook his head. ‘What kind of effort was that?’ he spat, as Stuart was carried away on a stretcher.

A week later Stuart was standing outside a dance club for his second activity.

‘I heard about your little bird problem the other day,’ Vanessa explained to him, ‘but you’re not going to get a girlfriend with a plastic banana on your head.’

‘Okay,’ Stuart shrugged. He was dressed in trendy clothing and had his hair gelled back.

‘Just remember the pick up lines I told you and you’ll be fine,’ she said. ‘I’m going to come back in half an hour and I want to see you smooching a girl outside the club.’ Stuart waited for her to leave, and quickly put on his banana-mask. He wasn’t prepared to take the same risk as he did last time.

Within a few minutes, Stuart was doing quite well. He had recited a few pick-up lines and was already dancing with a member of the female gender.

‘You know, I’ve been thinking about our relationship recently,’ she said to him as they danced to a slow number. ‘At first I loved the fact that you were so mysterious. But why do you have to hide your face from me?’ she asked. ‘Are you afraid that if you take off the plastic banana, I’ll think you’ll look stupid?’

‘Well, yes,’ Stuart told her solemnly. ‘Please, I cannot have my true identity revealed.’

‘Let’s get some fresh air,’ she said to him, and they left the dance club.

Stuart thought he had it all worked out. Half an hour was almost up, and Vanessa was due to return any minute now.

The kiss was imminent. Stuart foolishly lifted up his banana-mask, only to hear tweeting from the trees. She ran away screaming as dozens of sparrows flew down and pecked at Stuart’s face. At that moment, Vanessa arrived, seeing the mask in his hands.

‘Stuart!’ she gasped. ‘You brought that mask didn’t you! I told you, you won’t get a girlfriend with a plastic banana for a head!’

Her voice was drowned out by the sounds of tweets and screaming.

‘I hear you’ve been misbehaving’, Gary Hamster told Stuart sternly the next week. ‘Well, I’m not going to tolerate this stupid mask nonsense! This is the last activity, so you’d better get it right!’

After days of training, Stuart was ready to become a businessman. All he had to do was conduct a talk where he explains to his boss about the new policy in regards to the investment of shares. He had no idea what he was talking about, but had learned the script Gary had provided anyway.

Stuart didn’t need to wear the banana-mask. He was in a building, so as long as there weren’t any birds inside, he was safe.

‘Just to let you know,’ Gary Hamster told him, ‘your boss is going through a bit of a pirate phase at the moment.’

The boss walked in wearing an eye patch, and earring, a peg leg and a large hat. Stuart was horrified when he saw a parrot perched on his shoulder. As quick as he could, he took the plastic banana out and placed it on his head.

‘What on earth are you doing, Stuart?’ the boss complained. ‘I thought you were going to explain to me the new policy in regards to shares!’

‘I am,’ Stuart insisted. ‘You see, our company is one of the best in the business, and will not be beaten by…’

Gary Hamster slammed his fist on the table. ‘Stuart! I told you not to wear that stupid mask! Take it off immediately!’

Stuart shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t. His parrot will attack me.’

The boss was becoming impatient. ‘I’m going to give you to the count of ten to remove the mask, Stuart. You look like an absolute fool!’ He then proceeded to count, tapping his peg leg at every second.

‘Do it, Stuart,’ Gary hissed.

Stuart gave a sigh and removed the mask. He wasn’t at all surprised when the parrot flew from the boss’ shoulder and pecked him all over his face.

‘You’re fired, mate,’ the boss smiled.

Gary, however, wasn’t so happy. ‘It was your last chance, and you blew it,’ he sighed as Stuart screamed on the floor. ‘You really are a loser.’

Weeks later, Stuart switched on the television to see his very own TV special. He had been disqualified from the ‘Get a life’ show, but generously, Gary had a whole show dedicated to him. ‘Stuart, the young man everybody hates. Even birds,’ went the introduction to Gary’s current affairs program. ‘Stuart is the loser.’ As footage was shown of his various bird attacks, Stuart realised why he should never have left his house in the first place.

Knock, knock, went the door. He got up and answered it, only to find the same camera crew and hosts waiting.

‘Why hello, Stuart,’ Gary Hamster smiled. ‘Thanks to you, I’ve now got two shows occupying the top five spots in the ratings! And to thank you, I’ve brought a little gift.’

Stuart looked horrified as an emu was brought from a van. ‘I know how much you loved birds,’ Gary smiled. ‘So I thought I’d give you the biggest bird in Australia!’

The ambulance arrived within ten minutes.