"No, I won’t!" Mr Winterbottom snivelled. "You’re just leaving me like all of the other principals!"

"Look, I’m eighty-four," Fr Cubicle yelled. "I’m retiring, away from this shitty school and it’s shitty students."

"The new principal should do just fine!"

"Oh!" Mr Winterbottom laughed sarcastically. "Oh, sure! I’m sure he’ll be able to control that little bastard, Percy! Sure!"

"Shut up!" Fr Cubicle rebutted. "Just shut up!"

"Percy’ll run riot! He doesn’t try anything when you’re here! But just you wait, the moment you go," he started.

"Don’t," Fr Cubicle interrupted.

"No, I will have my say, Percy has an evil sparkle in his eyes and he will screw this school up if given the chance."

Fr Cubicle shook his head at him, handed back his carrot to the school office and went to his car. Who should be there but that irritating bum, Mr Winterbottom!

"Missing something?" Mr Winterbottom sneered, and shook some keys at him.

"Those are my keys!" gasped Fr Cubicle angrily. "Give me them back!"

"Fat chance, priesty!" he laughed and ran back into the school office.

"Here, catch!" Mr Winterbottom said to her quickly, passing the keys to the receptionist. "Keepings off the principal!"

He ran out of the office, laughing in hysterics. "Now you’re stuck here!"

When Mr Winterbottom was gone the receptionist handed back Fr Cubicle’s keys.

"So long, Hamiltonian College!" Fr Cubicle laughed, and sped off. "Hello, retirement!"

The next year, a new school year had begun. The new principal bore the name ‘Fr Crest’ and Mr Winterbottom was determined to become his favourite sycophant. On the first opportunity he had, Mr Winterbottom began to suck up to Fr Crest.

"Why, hello, sir!" Mr Winterbottom smiled to him.

"G’day!" Fr Crest smiled. "How are you?"

Mr Winterbottom giggled shyly. "Well, gosh, I’m fine!"

"That’s good," smiled Fr Crest. "I must say, it’s a great school to be a principal at!"

Mr Winterbottom blushed, for reasons nobody will ever know.

"I’m Mr Winterbottom, but you can call me anything you want!"

"How about George then?" Fr Crest chuckled, realising that he had made a great joke.

But Mr Winterbottom didn’t return the laugh, he looked at him solemnly. "You got it, man!" he said, as he took hold of Fr Crest’s hand. A tear fell from his eye.

"Well, Mr Winterbottom, it was nice talking to you!" Fr Crest said, becoming nervous in the company of this madman. "You wouldn’t happen to know what classroom Percy Pumpernickel is in?"

Mr Winterbottom looked at Fr Crest anxiously. "What? What do you want to know about Percy Pumpernickel?"

"Well, he wanted to see me in my office at lunchtime. I just remembered that I have to literally see a man about a dog, so it’ll have to be another time."

"Oh, I see…well, it was nice talking to you, Fr Crest. And if there’s anything you need, anything at all," he said, pointing at him, "you just call out my name!"

And Mr Winterbottom left the new principal alone. "Why does that failure want to see the principal?" he asked himself. "He’s not going to tell him about…the other day, is he?"

He looked up the sky. "This time, Percy," he frowned. "This time I’ll get you!"

Stav and Gropogi were in art class, and they sure were being naughty. They had made a collage out of their snot. It looked good from an artistic point of view, but it certainly didn’t convey pleasance. Well, I suppose it could have, depending on which way you looked at it. You had to be there, I guess.

"Hello, Miss Flinders," Mr Winterbottom said as his head poked through the door. "Could I just borrow Stav and Gropogi for a second?"

"Sure," she said. Gropogi and Stav emptied their nostrils and walked outside with Mr Winterbottom.

"Yo, Mr W!" Stav grinned, giving him a pat on the back.

"Stavvy!" Mr Winterbottom smiled, nudging him. "Groppy!"

"W man!" Gropogi laughed, shaking his hand. "What’s up?"

"Well, there’s something serious I need to talk to you two about. Walk with me," he said, and the two of them followed.

"Mr Winterbottom, I’ve never seen you like this!" Stav said in concern.

"Well, I’ve got another problem with Percy."

"Oh, we don’t have to beat him up again, do we?" Gropogi groaned.

"No, not this time. It turns out that Percy wants to see the new principal for some reason."

"Oh, Fr Crest! Top bloke!"

"Don’t you see, kids?" Mr Winterbottom sobbed. "Percy will befriend Fr Crest. He’ll tell him all about what I’ve done to him! And then I’ll be fired!"

"Not fired, sir!" Stav gasped. "Not fired! It was bad enough losing Fr Cubicle!"

"Stav, Gropogi! I need you to keep Percy and Fr Crest separated. I don’t care how!" Mr Winterbottom thundered.

"Don’t worry, Mr Winterbottom, we’ll put an end to this!" Gropogi said to him, rubbing his hands together.

"And…don’t be afraid to use…a little force," Mr Winterbottom told them quietly. "On, for instance, Percy."

"Ha, ha, ha!" Stav grinned. "Gotcha!"

"Thanks guys!" Mr Winterbottom. "I don’t know where I would be without you!"

Gropogi laughed. "Well, I don’t know, but it sure wouldn’t be here!"

All three of them enjoyed a good laugh, then the two students returned to class.

"Fr Crest is mine!" Mr Winterbottom cackled. "Watch out, Percy! Watch out!"

"So, Percy," Fr Crest smiled. "Why did you want to see me?"

"Well, it’s nothing much," Percy replied. "It’s just that my grandma is having trouble paying the school fees, and I thought that I should explain the situation that we’re having."

"Yes, I heard about this. What is the trouble, Percy?"

"She hasn’t been too good, of late. The problem all started with her cats," Percy began.

"Oh, this should be a laugh," Fr Crest smiled.

"Actually, no, it’s quite serious," Percy sighed. "They’ve been very depressed and…"

"Depressed?" Fr Crest inquired.

"Well, yes. We’re not quite sure how it happened but one of her oldest cats, "Peanut’, committed suicide a month ago."

"How?" Fr Crest asked in alarm.

"It drowned itself," Percy moaned. "Just like that! In the washing machine!"

"But how did it get in there?"

"I don’t know," Percy told him. "I really don’t."

Fr Crest looked at Percy sternly. "Percy, you’re hiding something."

Percy cringed. "What makes you say that?" Percy was avoiding eye contact but Fr Crest knew what was going on.

"Your grandma, she…she puts the cats in the washing machine, doesn’t she."

Percy didn’t reply, he just looked away.

"Percy, it’s okay to tell me."

"Oh, I tried to stop her!" Percy wailed. "I tried! But she insists that they be washed! She doesn’t want them dead any more than I do! But she still washes them!"

"Percy, you’re grandma seems quite bizarre. Look, it’s okay. We’ll work something out, and you’ll be able to continue your schooling here."

"Thank you sir," Percy smiled. "You know, I think that you’re a lot nicer than my last principal."

"I’m sure he was a fine man," Fr Crest grinned, and stood up. "Well, Percy, you’d better go back to class."

Percy left the room. When he left, two mysterious figures came inside.

"Can I help you?" asked Fr Crest. But he was gagged and thrown inside a sleeping bag.

"Goodnight, Father Crest!" Stav laughed. The principal struggled to get out but he sleeping bag was zipped up, all the way to the top!

"Now to take him to Mr Winterbottom!" Gropogi whispered, and the two of them picked up the sleeping bag.

"Where are they?" asked Mr Winterbottom.

"We’ve been here for two minutes," replied Stav.

"Oh, there you are. What’s that in the bag?" Mr Winterbottom smiled. "Percy I hope."

"Better!" said Gropogi, and unzipped the sleeping bag. There, inside was none other than everyone’s favourite principal, Fr Crest.

"Fr Crest?" Mr Winterbottom cried in alarm. "I’m very sorry, I didn’t know! I was trying to get that little Percy bastard!"
"Don’t worry," Fr Crest smiled as Mr Winterbottom untied him. "Actually I‘m reminded of a pretty funny story."

"Please tell us!" Stav asked him enthusiastically.

"Well, okay then. It all began years back, when I was marrying a lovely couple. Mr and Mrs Austin I believe. They were about to say ‘I do’ when a crazed man with a rubber duckie ran through the door."

"What happened then?" asked Gropogi, who was enthralled by this compelling yarn.

"Well, the man told me that he objected to Mr Austin marrying that woman. He said that Mr Austin was supposed to be at a bus stop with him. Well, just like that, Mr Austin left everything and left with the man and his rubber duckie. I told myself ‘I won’t stand for that.’ So I followed his bride-to-be to a fish ‘n’ chip store. I thought that was a bit strange, and so did she. In fact, she forgot to go!"

"Mr Winterbottom," Stav laughed, "Would you like a cup of coffee?"

"Yes," smiled Mr Winterbottom, "why not indeed?"

"I’d better be going, then," Fr Crest winked. "Fr Prest is at the local church. I’m a huge fan of his. He gives good mass."

"See-ya!" Gropogi waved. As Fr Crest left he collided with Percy’s body.

"Percy? Are you alright?" Cresty asked.

"Yes!" smiled Percy. "It turned out that grandma didn’t kill my cat after all! They committed suicide!"

As Stav, Gropogi, Mr Winterbottom and Fr Cresty laughed in unison, Percy realised that every thing was going to be all right. But…for how long?"