"Who told you that I’m a failure?" Percy asked as he ate his bran.

"Why, everyone," smiled his uncle.

Percy’s uncle, Peter, had been invited by his grandma to stay.

"Percy," his grandma grinned, "notice how my son is a success!"

"Oh, I am!" Uncle Peter laughed.

Percy sighed. His uncle had already travelled the world, to America, to Iran, even to Tasmania! But Percy was a little worried that his uncle would overshadow him a little too much. It emphasised what a failure he was in comparison to his uncle.

"Percy, why are you eating that?" Uncle Peter asked in disgust. "Only losers eat bran. Eat this!" he declared, and out of his pocket he gave Percy a boiled egg.

"It’s okay, I’ll pass," Percy said quietly. "I’m not hungry."

"Percy," his grandma began, "I’m really worried about you. You’re a failure. And that’s why I’ve invited my son over, to help you change."

That hurt Percy. Even his grandma thought he was a failure.

"Percy, eat the egg," Uncle Peter smiled.

Percy looked at his uncle, then his grandma. They were all waiting in anticipation. Then Percy looked at the egg. It had yellow stains on it.

"Eat it!" his grandma yelled.

"No, mum, this is a decision Percy must make for himself. To eat the egg and become a success, or to simply eat his bran and remain a failure."

Percy didn’t want to be a failure. He Put the egg in his mouth and swallowed it.

"Wrong!" Uncle Peter groaned. "You suck it, you moron! You’re supposed to let it dissolve!"

"I’m sorry," Percy said sadly.

"And don’t apologise! Because you can’t alter the damage! Mum, I can’t stay here. When you told me that your grandson is a failure, you didn’t tell me how big a failure he really was!"

"Peter, give your nephew another chance. Surely he wouldn’t stuff up again," grandma assured him.

"Okay then. So, Percy, how’s school going?"
"Good."

"You idiot! Put into the conversation for god’s sake!" Uncle Peter groaned. "Mum, that’s his second chance, and he’s blown it. What an idiot."

Percy continued to eat his bran.

"And stop eating that!" Uncle Peter spat. "And why could I here sounds coming from your bedroom last night?"

"It was nothing," Percy said.

"It doesn’t sound like nothing!" Uncle Peter smiled, looking over to his mum.

"Someone just broke in, that’s all."

"Percy, someone broke in! Don’t you think that you should have told us?" his grandma gasped.

"Well, he comes all of the time, you see," Percy mumbled as he ate bran.

"This is why you’re a failure," Uncle Peter began. "Because you don’t care about anything. Someone breaks into your room every night, and you don’t care. And I’ll tell you one thing, it doesn’t sound good."

"He doesn’t do anything, he just…wipes stuff on my doorknob," Percy told him. "It’s a bit weird, actually. He just breaks in, and wipes something on it, every night. I used to clean it every morning but now I don’t bother."

"Well, we’ll soon put a stop to that!" Uncle Peter declared. Grandma, nervous that there was someone breaking into her house, went outside and hid in a bush.

"What are you going to do, Uncle Peter?" asked Percy.

"Okay, I’ll tell you. First, we get a cow. We put it into your bed at night. Then," Uncle Peter laughed, "we take hold of the cow’s…naughty bits. The nipples, if you will. Then, after stretching them enough, they should be floppy enough to be tied together in a knot."

Percy listened carefully.

"You hide in the toilet, Percy. Then, when the doorknob smearer smears your doorknob, he’ll see the cow. Being intrigued by it’s firm backside and lovely nose, it will attempt to steal it. The cow, not liking the mischievous man, will run out of the room and down the stairs. It’s nipples; being so tightly bound together; will leave a trail of milk on the floor. The meek mortal shall not be able to resist the creamy milk flavour. When he starts licking the floor, you burst out of the toilet, catching him by surprise! Then, he’ll see what it is to be smeared! Haha!"

Percy looked at his uncle weirdly. "Are you serious?"

"I’m deadly serious!" Uncle Peter pronounced, with a wild glimmer in his eyes.

"And where’s the cow going to come from?" Percy asked.

"Hey, trust me," Uncle Peter winked, and skipped away.

Night arrived that night. Percy didn’t know what to think of his uncle’s plan. It was strange but then…that doorknob thing had really been bugging him for weeks.

Percy thought to himself, was he really a failure? He went down to talk to his grandma about it. She was putting cats on the washing line.

"Grandma," Percy called. His grandma quickly took the cat off the line and hid it behind her.

"Oh, Percy…it’s you. What do you want?" she asked nervously.

"Am I really a failure?" he asked her.

"Only a little, Percy."

"Why are you hiding that cat behind you, grandma?" he asked her.

She paused, then showed Percy the cat. It was dead!

"I’m sorry Percy, I know you liked that cat. But, it just slipped away," she sighed.

"Grandma, it didn’t commit suicide, did it?"

She gave another sigh. "Percy, I don’t know why they would commit suicide, I really don’t."

"Look, I need to talk to you, grandma, about me being a failure."

"Okay, sweetie," she smiled, and threw the dead cat over the fence. "Yes, you are a failure. What’s wrong?"

"Well, why?" Percy asked.

"Because it’s just the way god made you," she smiled lovingly, and gave him a hug. "But that’s why Uncle Peter is over. To show you the light!"

"What was he like when he was my age, grandma?" Percy asked.

"A lot different to you, Percy," Grandma said. "For instance, he had his own business. And he was always on the move. Moved out when he was nine. Oh, I admire my boy. And that’s why he’s a success and you’re not."

"You want me to move out?" Percy asked. "I’m only fifteen!"

"Percy, you don’t have to move out. I like you here! I don’t mind you being a failure. But…some of me friends are worried about you."

"Your friends?" Percy asked. "They’ve never met me!"

"Oh, but they hate you," she smiled. "Quite frankly you’re an embarrassment to be around. That’s why you need to accomplish something. Like stopping that man from breaking in!"

Percy sighed. His only chance to prove that he wasn’t a failure was to stop that doorknob smearer!

So that night, Uncle Peter arrived aboard the cow as he’d promised.

"What a success!" Percy thought to himself. "One day I will be like Uncle Peter!

"And so you should!" Uncle Peter declared. "Now let us prepare for the...the attack!"

"Let’s go!" Percy declared enthusiastically.

"That’s the spirit!" Uncle Peter declared, and hopped off the cow. Immediately as it did so, the cow ran away down the road.

"Oh dear! Cow! Return!" Uncle Peter shouted and chased it down the road. However, soon the cow had it’s hoof stuck in a gutter. So Uncle Peter decided to pull out a gun and shoot it in the head.

Percy shouted "Why, Uncle Peter, why?" But Uncle Peter simply looked in sorrow and said to him, "it was a mercy killing, Percy. I just couldn’t let it suffer like that."

"How are we going to protect my doorknobs now?"

"Well, Percy, you’re on your own now."

"Why?"

"Because I feel like a cupcake," Uncle Peter cried. "Oh, my poor cow."

"But what will I do?" Percy asked.

"This is your chance to prove to me that you are not a failure. Remember all that stuff I told you about the cow?"

"Yes," Percy replied anxiously.

"Well, all you really need to do is leave some cheese on the ground. It’ll work, trust me! For I am Uncle Peter!"

"Okay, then. I won’t fail!" Percy smiled. "I’ll do it! Successfully!"

"Hopefully," Uncle Peter sighed, and left in search of a cupcake.

Later that night, Percy was in the toilet, hiding. He had left a piece of cheese on the floor outside the toilet! And then...well, Percy wasn’t sure, but Uncle Peter’s plan would work. Percy knew it would. Unlike himself, Uncle Peter was a success.

And then it happened! However, the doorknob smearer decided to break in through the toilet window, so Percy quickly ran out and hid in the closet.

"Who’s that!" the masked smearer asked angrily.

He left the toilet, and looked around. Nobody was there. So out of his pocket he withdrew a banana! Slowly peeling it and putting the peeling on the ground where he could easily slip on it, he took the banana in his hand and smeared it on Percy’s doorknob.

"That bastard!" Percy said quietly in the corridor.

And then, the doorknob smearer ate the remains of the banana. What he forgot was that there was a banana peel under his foot! However, he saw it at the last minute and avoided it.

"Phew," he said, panting after what could have been quite an accident.

Percy should have used this point to burst out of the closet and capture the criminal, but then he was stopped. Something inside him that made sure he was a failure. That’s right. Percy didn’t do anything.

The doorknob smearer cackled as the evil person he was and stepped away. But that step caused him to slip on the cheese Percy had left on the floor, causing him to slip down the stairs in a painful sequence.

"Got him now!" Percy smiled, and ran down stairs.

He took off the doorknob smearer’s mask. To Percy’s horror, it was Uncle Peter!

"Uncle Peter?" Percy asked. But there was no reply. "Oh, no!" Percy gasped. "I’ve killed Uncle Peter!"

Suddenly there was a knock on the door! At one in the morning, who else could that be…but the police!

Percy opened up the door in terror. There was a man there.

"Can I touch your earlobe?" he asked Percy.

"Sure," Percy said, and the man did so. He left.

Down the stairs came Percy’s grandma. "I heard a knock on the door, who was it Percy?" she asked. Then she looked down at the floor at the sight of her murdered son.

"Grandma, I can explain everything," Percy started.

"You bastard!" she screamed. "I brought my son here to stop you from being a failure, and you fail him! You killed him!"

"It was an accident!" Percy cried.

"That’s even worse!" she shrieked. "If Peter killed someone, he would do it on purpose! But you! You failed! I hate you!"

Percy was crying. His grandma went into the kitchen and called the police to have Percy arrested for manslaughter. "I wasn’t to know that he’d be smearing my doorknob!" he sobbed. "He told me to do this!"
"Boo!" went the corpse behind Percy.

Percy screamed like a little girl.

"You failure," Uncle Peter laughed.

"You’re alive!" Percy smiled happily. "But why did you smear my doorknob?"

"It’s part of my anti-failure program. It was a test to see if you would fail or not."

"And did I?" Percy asked.

"Yes, you did, Percy. You did."

The police came to the door. "Percy! Give yourself up!"

"It’s okay," Percy said. "He’s still alive!"

"Then arrest him for attempted manslaughter!" Uncle Peter demanded.

"Uncle Peter!" Percy yelled.

His grandma came in. "Peter! You’re alive!"

"Hi, mum!" he replied. The police were looking at him suspiciously.

"Weren’t you that guerilla leader in Cuba?" the constable asked him.

Uncle Peter squealed and ran out of the house.

"By mum," he said as he ran away.

"By dear," she replied, shutting the door as the police ran after him.

"Percy, I’m going to tell you this again," his grandma smiled.

"What is that, grandma?"

"You are a failure."

"Oh."