-Tonight there is a meeting of the ladies club for men only. Admission free, pay at the door, pull up a chair and sit on the floor. The next meeting will be held at the four corners of the round table.
-Sometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering
around neurotically, frantically jumping all over guests. I think it all goes back to when I was
raised in the wild by miniature schnauzers.
-Small, green leafy bodies, long tongues drooling over sharp incisors, they weren't human, they
were brussel sprouts, killer brussel sprouts.
-You can't go saying "everybody's got a waterbuffalo!" Everyone does NOT have a waterbuffallo!
We're going to get nasty letters saying "Where's MY waterbuffallo? Why don't I have a
waterbuffallo?" Are you perpared to deal with that? I didn't think so! --Archibald Asparagus
-This is the nineties, you don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.
-The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils. -- 'Weird Al' Yankovic
-If you look deeply emough into any person's soul, you can see the emu within them struggling to get out. Actually, most people don't have emus in their soul. Just me. - Invisible Dave, Lady of Emus
-Give a man a match and he'll be warm for an hour... Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the
rest of his life.
-Sanity is not my strong point. -- Pelican Bob
-If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
-I used to drive down the long highways, throwing tomatoes out the window yelling, 'Hooray for
the spicy chipmunk!'
-I can bend minds with my spoon.
-If you're flying down the highway, and your wings fall off your boat how many pancakes can you stack on top of a green doghouse?
-Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting with could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs?
-Okay, Okay, so you won't go out with me unless I was the last man on earth ... what if you were a purple frog and I was a green cow? Okay , still no .... What if I had wings, too?
-Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too.
-One night, as I lay in bed, I looked up at all of the stars in the sky, and thought, "Where the hell is my ceiling!?!?!"
-SPOOOOOOOOT SPEEE EP CHA MORT MOOT!
-Kenny, I'm afraid we accidentaly replaced your heart with a baked potato, you have 3
seconds to live. *POP* It never gets any easier, no it never does. *walks off whistling
happy tune.*
-I like to feed the ducks quarters. If they eat anough tehy get sick. Sometimes i name them first.
-Im an Idiot? I dont think so, its just that everyone in the world is so much stupider than me that my brillant genius is seen as a mental deficiency.
-Evil inanimate objects of darkness. You mock me with your silence.
-Love is like an elf danceing a merry jig, and then he turns on you with a machine gun.
-I tryed sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
-In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -Douglas Adams
-There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happaned. -Doublas Adams
-If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done. -Scott Adams
-Schizophrenia beats being alone.
-My good intentions are completely lethal. -Margaret Atwood
-Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories: those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost. -Russell Baker
-The main thing I like about New Yorkers is that they understand that their lives are a relentless circus of horrors, ending in death. As New Yorkers, we realize this, we resign ourselves to our fate, and we make sure that everyone else is as miserable as we are. Good town. -Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn
-Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.
-Happiness is good health and a bad memory. -Ingrid Bergman
-Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
-Aunt May: Peter, are you in the house?
-Peter: No, I'm not.
-Aunt May: Do you plan on eating dinner this year?
-Peter: What's for dinner?
-Aunt May: Meatloaf.
-Peter: Pizza?
-Aunt May: Meatloaf!
-Peter: Pizza?
-Aunt May: Meatloaf!
-Peter: Pizza?
-Aunt May: Pizza.
-Peter: I'll be down in two seconds.
-Aunt May: Pizza that looks and tastes an awful lot like meatloaf.
-Ten days after I turned eight, got my lips stuck in a gate, my friends all laughed, and I just stood there until the fire department and broke the lock with a crowbar and I had to spend the next six weeks in lip rehab with this kid named Oscar who got stung by a bee right on the lip and we couldn't even talk to each other until the fifth week cause both of our lips were so swollen and when he did start speaking, he just spoke Polish and I only knew like three words in Polish except now I know four because Oscar taught me the word for lip! -- Larry the Cucumber
-Ryan: Ta-ta-tara-ta-tara-ta-ta, ta-tara-ta-tara...
-Colin: What's that? What's that? What's that? What was that?
-Ryan: It's just me going, "Ta-tara-ta-tara-ta-ta..."
-Colin: Well don't do that!
-Ryan: I like to get myself up for the match!
-Colin: Oh-ho, we're gonna die!
-Ryan: We're not going to die! We're Gladiators!
-Colin: Well look at you, you're all buff.
-Ryan: That's it! Keep your spirits up. Get on your...metal...dress.
-Colin: It's so hard to keep up with a metal dress on!
-Ryan: Look! I don't want to lose today. I don't want him to give us the thumbs-down; when we're done up there today I want the emperor to look at us and say, "My name is Bill, I like tight panties."
-If Canada declared war on the U.S. tomorrow, it would be my duty as a Canadian to kill as many Americans as I could...I would enjoy it. -- William Shatner
