Relive the legend! Fellowship of the Board up at http://www.geocities.com/grnarmadillo
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Disclaimer: I don't own either the book or movie versions of the Lord of the Rings, nor of most anything else mocked herein. I also don't own the boarders, who belong to Ant, but if he wants to try and make something of it, I say "just bring it". That said, this work sufficiently resembles that of Tolkein that it's an exaggeration for me to even claim authorship in the first place. Note that while this fic is a parody that follows the books more closely in than the movies, it may well contain spoilers for both.
Continuity Note: The third and final volume of Tolkein's LotR is divided into two parts, books 5 and 6 of the novel. Book 5 deals with the desperate last stand of the city of Minas Tirith, as Aragorn and the company race to stop the fall of the last stronghold of the light, while Book 6 resumes Frodo's quest to destroy the Ring from the nasty cliff-hanger at the end of book 4. While I suspect the movie will do differently, and expect you all to be ticked that I'm leaving you hanging on Heather and Ciara's fate, I have chosen to follow the Author's wishes, both in the chapter structure and in the title he wanted, that the publisher altered, for the finale of his masterpiece....
THE BOARD OF THE RINGS: THE WAR OF THE RING
Book Five
Laura awakens, realizing she had drifted off to sleep during the long ride along with Green Armadillo. It seemed that they were traveling faster than any human could, but she didn't stop to question it. As she yawned and rubbed her eyes, she saw that they were crossing a vast plain and approaching a gleaming city of white, showing damage from attacks by those who would bring it down, but yet standing as tall, defiantly, and beautiful as ever.... The Buffy Cross and Stake Spoiler Board.
GA: I see you're awake. Just in time for our meeting with the Steward.
Laura: *yawns* The Steward?
GA: Yes. In the years since the board settled here, we have been forced to rely on its stewards to keep us safe from the gremlins. We must have a meeting with... Voy.
Suddenly, the pair is hailed from the walls of the board.
Buhbuhraven: GA! Good to see another gremlin hunter! The buggers have been running amok, with rumors of a new dark in Cambridge, and we have been hard pressed to keep up. What news bring you?
GA: The Riders of the Main Board ride to save this board once and for all. And perhaps we can expect others assistance as well. I must speak with Voy.
BBR: At once.
The Chambers of Voy
GA and Laura walk into the grand chamber to see Voy, seemingly older and more wizened than ever before.
Voy: The news you bring, Green one, is not good. You should not have
returned.
GA: You know that the dark will come, whether or not we oppose it. But it is only together that we may hope to drive it back.
Voy: *stands up, slams a hand down on the armrest of his throne* I had a vision, a portent of what, I could not say. So I sent my favored, Hazel, she who was a board cleaner, to the House of Kuzibah to seek an answer. I saw a vision of her death. You cannot tell me this is not so.
Laura: She was trying to save us...
Voy: *cuts her off* You think you have done so well, recruiting the Riders of the Main Board, and sending the leader of your pimps down the Paths of the Dead. But you are not the only ones who can see things. Your help shall come too late.
GA: *coldly* Then the enemy has already won.
Laura: *alarmed* No! *draws her sword, kneels at Voy's feet and offers it up* Though it is a small offering, I offer my sword and my life to the defense of this board!
Voy: *surprized, then chuckles, pleased* Well... Very well, young one. *takes the sword, Knights Laura* Rise, in my service, however short-lived it may be. Armadillo, you may take up this fight, if you so choose. You are dismissed, and you, my knight, should report to the head of my forces, Buhbuhraven for your command.
Laura: As you wish, my lord.
GA and Laura leave the chamber.
GA: That was an interesting choice you made, there, Laura.
Laura: Should I not have done it?
GA: Such is not for me to say. Your word is yours to give, and you may yet play a pivotal role. Just watch yourself.
*The plains of the Main Board*
Bowen has been recounting the tale of the Fellowship as F=j listens. In a way, Bowen finds F=j, her grandmother, almost like a mother to her.
Bowen: *draws sword* If you shall have it, I pledge my sword to you.
F=j: *looks at it for a minute, takes it, and tosses it over her shoulder* No grand-daughter of mine is going to run around with just THAT. Here, try this. *gives Bowen a large rocket launcher, which she can barely carry* Much better.
Lanna: *walking up* My Liege, the troops are ready.
F=j: Very well. Listen, it's going to be a long ride, little one, and we don't have a horse small enough for you.
Bowen: HEY! I'm NOT A LITTLE ONE. I'm as big as you are!
F=j: None the less, it will be dangerous. Perhaps we shall meet again....
*leaves*
Bowen: This sucks....
Up walks the mysterious, masked DERNHELM.
Dernhelm: I know how you feel.... come, you can ride with me and join in the fight.
Bowen: Cool.
*The walls of the Spoiler Board*
Buhbuhraven is giving Laura the tour.
BBR: So this is the outlook post. From here, we can see what's happening in the surrounding countryside. If gremlins show up, we rally through that gate and beat them down.
Laura: Sounds messy.
BBR: Could be. Hope it never comes to that. Let's see who's on duty right now....
The two climb the tower, where they are greeted by Jana and Flan.
BBR: Anything interesting going on up here?
Flan: No, not really. Been quiet.
Laura: Too quiet?
Jana: No, don't say.... oh good job, now we've got trouble.
Laura: Ooops.
BBR: What's going on?
Flan: Someone's coming... I think it's Kira's party...
Jana: And they're under attack!
BBR: *shouting as he runs down the wall* GREMLINS! TO ARMS!!!
Laura: Yeah, gremlins and....
Laura's voice suddenly trails off, for she sees chasing the band of boarders... one of the Black Riders, actors who sold out to the 1969 Gremlin. Kira's patrol is getting close to the wall, when suddenly the creature lobs a deadly dart, which hits Kira in the back. She nearly falls, but Steffi G catches her. Drusilla turns and tries to fend off the oncoming gremlins, as the Black Rider retreats, confident that its work is done. More boarders are rushing out the gates, but it doesn't look like they're gonna make it....
BBR: *from the point in the wall closest to the beleagured boarders* WASSUP!
With that battlecry, BBR does a five-star frogsplash from the top of the wall, into the pack of Gremlins. This provides just enough distraction for Silver Sunset, Leora, Mandikins, and Masher to arrive on the scene, weapons drawn. The boarders quickly bring the wounded Kira into the walls.
Leora: This doesn't look good, I think that dart was poisoned with something....
SS: Take her to the house of healing!
The group crosses town to the House of Healing.
Sponky W: Welcome to the House of Healing, please state the nature of the medical emergency.
Mandikins: Kira's been hurt!
Sponky: *looks at the injury* Very serious…. *hollers* BOS! We've got a Black Rider injury!
Bos, the head of the House of Healing, quickly comes and takes a look.
Bos: She's only got one chance.... someone get me 500 cc's of Coke!
Masher: That'll kill her!
Bos: No, the drink, for ME, I'm thirsty! Let me work!
As Laura looks on, she looks back at the citadel and she sees Voy looking down, shaking his head sadly with the most profound look of despair.
*The Path of the Dead*
As the trio wanders the spooky trail, Jojo asks...
Jojo: So, why is this called the Path of the Dead?
Ant: Primarily for melodrama. Once, long long ago, well alright, actually it was last night, some posters decided it would be a good idea to cross over to our board. The whole thread mysteriously disappeared, and it was prophecized that they could never come again until they aided the True Pimp of the board in his hour of need.
DWS: That sounds harsh.
Ant: Given that they're about to get out of the last part so fast they'll never even knew it happened in the first place? I think they'll live.
Jojo: Hey, look at that sign. "Now leaving BCS Spoiler Board. Beware,
crazy folks abound. Not responsible for therapist's bills."
DWS: I'll take "The Rapists" for 1000, Alex.
Jojo: It says THERAPISTS. You're sick, SICK!
DWS: That's not what you MOTHER said, TREBEK.
Ant: Quiet, both of you.... we're not alone, and they are... not of this board.
The three realize that they are surrounded by mysterious posters from the shadows of the An Angel's Soul Spoiler Board. A moment of tense quiet ensures before a girl walks up to DWS and looks her up and down.
Chasarumba: *approvingly* Our kind of folks.
CanIBeBlind2: But they're not from here.
Sekhmet: Which can mean only one thing.
Windy: A toast to crossover parties!
AAS Folks: WHOO HOO!
Ant: We need your help. The BCS Spoiler Board is about to be over-run by gremlins. They're going to hold on as long as they can, but we need to get there, and with reinforcements.
Wolfram: *ponders this for a minute* Long has it been since our peoples, with a common origin, walked separate paths. But we have not forgotten that we too owe all to the Board Momma, and we will come now at your call, board pimp.
With that, all present roar a mighty cry, "FOR ANGEL X!!!!"
*The Walls of the Board*
The battle has taken a turn for the worse, as Kira's patrol was followed by hundreds, even thousands of gremlins. A gremlin general urges his men on, as the Black Riders, mounted on fierce flying beasts, harry the walls of the board. Finally, their dread leader himself flies low over the board, to offer his own threats to dishearten the boarders.
William Shatner: Soon. Shall all. Your TV. Belong. To my. Iron Chefs!
BBR: *F5's a gremlin who just scaled the wall successfully* We're going to stop you, Shatner!
Shatner:Fool! No mortal man can hinder my way!
GA: *from offscreen* CUT! *walks on* Bill, can we have a minute? Everyone else take five.
Shatner: Sure. *comes with GA*
GA: See, look, I realize that we're sort of on opposite sides in this story, and I always mock you and stuff, but you're sort of an important character, so we need to talk about that weakness thing.
Shatner: Really? You don't say. What's wrong with it?
GA: You see, JRR Tolkein was a professor of mythology, and one of the reasons his books strike true with so many the world over is because he drew aspects of the greatest myths, legends and stories in the world.
Shatner: Okay, that makes sense.
GA: Right. So your character, the Witch King of Agmar, cannot be felled by mortal man, perhaps in an homage to Shakespeare's MacBeth, who could not be felled by any man of woman born. Back in the 50's, this was a pretty strong protection, because you were about as likely to meet a woman on the battle field as MacBeth was to encounter McDuff, a man who was delivered by C-Section. The only reason there were any female characters to oppose the Witch King was because Tolkein's granddaughter wanted to know why there were no women in the book, and thus was born Eowyn, princess of Rohan.
Shatner: I see. So there was really only one person who could actually oppose him....
GA: Exactly. But see, times have changed. Now, we have shows like Buffy: The Vampire Slayer where women are stronger and better fighters than the men. And those shows draw a pretty large female demographic.
Shatner: Ah, so that's why they needed that red-head for Voyager.
GA: I'm not sure there WAS a rational purpose for her. But anyways, this fic stars fans of Buffy, and the cast is so female heavy that I've had to scrap 2/3 of the romances that are supposed to happen in it because the leads are mostly women. So being immune to harm from males really doesn't help you very much.
Shatner: Hm... now that you mention it, I guess not.
GA: But I'll tell you what. My middle name happens to be William, so I feel sorry for you. I'll let you pick a new weakness.
Shatner: Okay. So let no mortal woman be able to harm me!
GA: *looks cross* I said MOSTLY female cast, not ALL. I'm sure Ant, Jojo, BBR, even Leoff would be glad to beat you down. Heck, there are days when I want to smack you around with a large trout myself. But I don't like to give myself that much spotlight, so I'll let you change it ONE more time. ANYTHING you want to be immune to, just whatever it is, this time you're stuck with it.
Shatner: Hm... no mortal man.... no mortal woman.... I've got it! Let no living board poster be able to harm me!
GA: *smiles* Good one. Done. Let's go.
Finally, their dread leader himself flies low over the board, to offer his own threats to dishearten the boarders.
William Shatner: Soon. Shall all. Your TV. Belong. To my. Iron Chefs!
BBR: *F5's a gremlin who just scaled the wall successfully* We're going to stop you, Shatner!
Shatner:Fool! No living board poster can hinder my way!
Gasps of shock and fear rise up from the board. Meanwhile, the gremlin general shouts at his troops.
General: On, peons! See the fear our master inspires! Nothing can....
Suddenly, the general is hit, stake-like, by a large rocket.
General: Oh sh....
The general explodes in a large ball of fire.
F=j: *lowering her rocket launcher* Shot through the heart.....
Talia: *looking on proudly* And you're to blame.
Evil Olive: *shouting* Ride for the Mark! For the Eorl! ONWARDS!
J.A.I.T.: Follow our perspicacious comrade!
With that, the force from the main board arrived on the field and attacked the gremlins from behind.
*The Walls*
BBR: *gives a gremlin the Last Ride, then hollers up at Shatner* Looks like you're not taking care of your yard!
Shatner: Curses. I. Will deal. With you. Later. *flies off*
GA: Alright, people, press the attack!
Laura: *running up* GA! We've got a problem!
GA: Another one?
Laura: It's VOY!
*Voy's chambers*
The chamber has been prepared with torches to become a massive bonfire, and VOY has set Kira's wounded body in the middle of the pyre.
GA: VOY! What are you doing?!
Voy: I have seen it! You are doomed to fail! We at least shall die with dignity!
Laura: What are you TALKING about?!
Voy: Behold! *holds up.... a Spoiler-tir* I have been shown the future! Just when you think you have won, the Black Ships of the Enemy shall arrive! There is no hope! Only death!
GA: Don't you realize? The Enemy may not be strong enough to control you outright, but he can influence what you see in that!
Laura: It's a trick! Don't be fooled!
Voy: *sadly* It's too late, my little friend. Consider yourself freed of my service. Goodbye.
Laura: I'M NOT LITTLE! *dives in, grabs Kira, and gets out just before
Voy sets off the pyre, himself standing in the middle*
GA: Let's go, get her back to the House of Healing.
Laura: Uh, what about Voy? We sort of need him in one piece to post messages....
GA: Yeah, well, he didn't think about the fact that he's a web-server in a flame-retardant case. Let's cruise.
*The Battle*
Bowen is thrown to the ground by the first assault, and lies there dazed, as the battle rages above her. With the added troops, the boarders are just strong enough to be able to take on the Gremlins, but the Black Riders tip the scale against them. As she watches, one after another falls, except Leoff, who isn't really able to fall on account of being a tree. F=j sees Shatner, shouts defiantly and charges with her flame thrower, but he knocks her aside as well. He's about to finish her off, when suddenly a new figure enters the fray.
Lindsers: Mom! No! I'll save you!
Bowen: Lindsers?! You're DERNHELM?!
Lindsers: Who? I don't need some stupid disguise. Like anyone thought I'd stay home just because I was told. Time to kick ass and take names!
Bowen: Hm... maybe she's been missing from the board long enough to be legally board dead? *winces to see Linds get knocked out by Shatner* I guess not.
Shatner: All. Of you. Shall fall. Before. MY. Might.
Bowen tries to get up, but is still too dazed. She realizes that everyone around Shatner is out. Indeed, there is only one other figure standing anywhere on the battlefield.
Shatner: Fly. If you. Value. Your life. Fool.
Dernhelm: No.
Shatner: Stay. And you. Shall die.
Dernhelm: I'm not afraid of death anymore. If GA wants to kill me off, there's nothing I can do about it. *drops her helmet and mask to reveal.....*
Bowen: HAZEL?!
Hazel: I just wanted a fic where I didn't get killed!
*flashback*
Hazel: They're going to kill me!
Laura: They're not going to kill you, I mean, they don't even have a leader!
Suddenly, Hazel is poked by a really tiny arrow.
Hazel: Ouch! *pulls it out, not really having suffered any damage, because it's pin-sized* Who uses arrows this small?!
Stepping out from amidst the demon hordes....
Spot: I serve the coolest chat on the Internet!!!!
Hazel: *looks at camera* Okay, no way. I'm not going to lose a fight with a hamster. I'm going to go find a better role to play in this fic! *storms off*
*The present*
Hazel: I thought that maybe if I ran off and disguised myself, GA wouldn't know who I was and wouldn't be able to kill me off! But everyone else is down, so I don't have a chance!
Bowen: Hazel, I'm sorry for you, but it doesn't matter. You're playing Boromir, and we're out of the first movie. You should be DEAD!
Shatner: What? Dead? No. It. Can't. Be. *looks at GA, plaintively*
GA: *with a slight smirk* She's dead, Jim.
Shatner: No. Still. If I. Kill her. Then she. Can.
Not. Kill me. *charges at Hazel*
Bowen: No!
Hazel draws her sword, but it is unclear if even she will be a match for the dread might of Shatner. But Bowen finally works up the nerve to overcome the fear Shatner generates and approach him to attack. She reaches for her sword, but finds it replaced with the rocket launcher F=j gave her. She shrugs, and fires it at Shatner. The blast throws Shatner through the air, and he is impaled on Hazel's sword.
Shatner: Why. Must. I. Lose?
With that, Shatner is destroyed in a flash of light. The gremlins all over are shocked and disheartened, and the boarders rally with hope, when suddenly, from the Board look-out tower...
Jana: Ships! It's the black ships of the gremlins approaching!
And sure enough, the black ships of the enemy have arrived just as hope seemed within the boarders' grasp. The tables turn, as the gremlins cheer the forces that will win them the battle, and the boarders all but lose hope. But then, a banner is hoisted up the mast of the lead ship. The banner of... the Angel's Soul board.
Jojo: Everyone, get out your s-words!
DWS: That's SWORDS, TREBEK!
Jojo: *realizes his mistake, sobs*
And with that, the forces of the Angel boards pour out onto the field, utterly destroying the gremlins. Ant and Talia meet on the field of battle, as they were supposed to have promised in the last part had I remembered what was a pretty cool scene in which Eomer doubts that Aragorn will survive the Paths of the Dead and Aragorn promises that they will meet again on the field of battle. But anyway, the gremlins' asses are toast. The wounded are taken to the House of Healing.
Ant: These people were wounded by the Black Riders. My hands, as the King of the Board Pimps, are said to have healing powers....
Bos: I don't care what Marvin Gaye says, there will be NO sexual healing in MY house of healing!
Many people are reuinted, fights break out over Jojo/Legolas, and simply because people around here seem to like to fight amongst themselves, but my cast has gotten so large that I'd probably go crazy trying to recount them all. And besides, this part is already way long anyway. Finally, the leaders agree that, as great as the victory is, it's all meaningless since if the 1969 Gremlin regains the One Ring, he will simply use it to change history to wipe out the events of this day. Therefore, the tattered survivors set off for Harvard Square, in the heart of Dread Cambridge itself, hoping their massing army will distract the Gremlin from watching his borders, inside which the Ring-bearer is hopefully progressing towards the Charles. But when they arrive at the gates....
Larry: I am now the mouthpiece of the 1969 Gremlin! He presumes you're all here to bow at his feet, but he's too busy to receive you all at the... *a rocket explodes at his feet* WHO DID THAT?
F=j and her whole family look innocent and hide their hands behind their backs.
Spot: It matters not! If you fools were counting on that SPY you sent into our land, then forget it. For look what WE have!
With that, gremlins hold up.... the armor and sword Xander's Woman gave Heather at Kuzibah's place, as well as a wallet-sized family picture of a bunch of turkeys.
Laura: NO!
And with that, the boarders hearts sink, for it seems that all is for naught. Laura and her friends leap into battle, but she can tell that they are soon to fall. She is struck from behind and falls. As blackness sweeps up to engulf her, she could almost swear she heard a familiar friendly voice saying very familiar words, but before she can make them out, all turns to black.
TO BE CONCLUDED....
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