Disclaimer: I don't own either the book or movie versions of the Lord of the Rings, nor of most anything else mocked herein.  I also don't own the boarders, who belong to Ant, but if he wants to try and make something of it, I say "just bring it".  That said, this work sufficiently resembles that of Tolkein that it's an exaggeration for me to even claim authorship in the first place.  Note that while this fic is a parody that follows the books more closely in than the movies, it may well contain spoilers for both.

Continuity Note: The second volume of Tolkein's LotR, The Two Towers, is divided into two parts, books 3 and 4 of the novel.  Book 3 deals with the adventures of Aragorn and the rest of the company, while Book 4 follows Frodo on his quest to destroy the Ring.  However, lacking Tolkein's creativity, I fear that if I wrote a whole chapter of the fic following the five or so characters in book 4, it would suck.  Therefore, the following two parts will contain events from BOTH Tolkein's books 3 and 4 interspersed, as I suspect the movie next year will do as well.

THE BOARD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO POSTING BOARDS

Previously, on BotR

All is silent for a moment, and then Anthony draws his sword, and a legion of posters stand ready to defend the main board against the onslaught of chat demons. Jojo directs the back ranks to nock arrows on their bows, as DWS organizes the hand to hand defense.  The demons begin slowly marching towards the boarders.

Ant: *raises his sword defiantly above his head, and shouts, slashing downwards* FIRE!!!!

The battle of 10,000 Posts Deep has begun.

___________

At Ant's command, a huge volley of arrows goes up, and the front line of chat demons are cut down.  The demons keep advancing, however.  Jojo jumps up to the front and begins firing arrows as quickly as he can draw them into the hordes.  This has the unfortunate effect of detracting from the boarders' offense, as most of the rest of the boarders turn upon each other to get at him.

Evil Olive: *GLARES, most impressively* For the Rohirrim!  For the Eorl!
Finally, DWS pulls Jojo down off the wall, and, the object of their fighting removed, the boarders resume the battle against the demons.  
Jojo: Hm... that didn't work.  But hey, I took out six chat demons.  I think that puts me ahead of you, Sheeps.
DWS: ONLY BECAUSE OF TREACHERY!
Jojo: Oh, alright, tell you what, we'll make a wager.  Write down a number of demons you think I'm going to kill this battle, ANY NUMBER, and an amount of money on this piece of paper.
Sheepy nods, fills out the wager, and leaps into the fray, swinging her axe left and right.  However, just when it looks like she might polish off the whole horde herself....
DWS: *sees something off to the side of the battlefield* Ooooh... fabric!  *runs off to make a quilt*
Jojo: *sighs, and being out of arrows, goes to his hold-out weapon, chugging several shots of something from a bottle labeled 'GROG- XXXX' and leaps into the fray with the fury that can only be inspired by the drunken master*
Talia: *walking up to the front lines, where f=j is launching rockets into the oncoming hordes as Lanna supplies fresh rockets* I think we're doing well!
F=j: The night is just beginning... and I fear many of us shall fall before this battle is over.  *bows her head in sorrow*

The previous day
Laura and Bowen wake up in the forest after having fled the battle between Talia's patrol and the chat demons that captured them in Book 2.

Bowen: About time he gets around to explaining what happened to us....
Laura: Tell me about it.  *yawns* The suspense was getting to me.  

Laura leans against what appears to be a big old tree.  Only, the tree opens an eye, looks down at her, and gets up in a huff, causing Laura to fall down.
Leoff (the tree): I'm insulted!  That you would so callously assume that I'm so stagnant that I just stand here motionless while you use me as a recliner!  The nerve...

GA: Er... Leoff?
Leoff: What?
GA: *hands Leoff a copy of his response to the casting call in the last part*
Leoff: *reads* "Eh, throw me in as an goblin or tree...."  Crap.
Laura: *getting up, and dusting herself off* So THERE.  Now, aren't you supposed to raise an army for us?
Leoff: How am I supposed to accomplish that?  I'm a tree!
Bowen: Well, in the book, Treebeard, leader of the Ents, calls an "Ent Moot" and all the other living trees come to help.
Leoff: An Ent moot.   Who's going to come to something named "moot"?
J.A.I.T.: *comes running up* I LOVE the word moot!
LTG: *comes running from the other direction, Buffychick in tow*Me too!
Weakest Link: I used the word moot in a post, just this afternoon!
Wwolfe: What are you all talking about? Let me hit the 'moot' buttton on my remote to quiet down the TV so I can tell what's going on....
Laura: Great.  So we need to go help the rest of the boarders win back control of the main board from Bravenet.
J.A.I.T.: We shall stop him, and his ilk! 
Leoff: I don't believe this....
LTG: *looking Leoff up and down* Hm... you think he'd make a good climbing tree?
Leoff: *sobs*

Massachusetts

Ciara, Heather, and Bracken are lost in the vicinity of UMass.

Ciara: Great, we have a guide and we're STILL lost.  Heather, pick a better guide, HARLOT!
Heather: Well, you TRAMP, it's not my fault you're BOTH from Canada...
Bracken: Someone's coming!

The trio are prepared for anything, only to see that it's Kira, leading a forward patrol of boarders from the Spoiler Board.

Kira: Hey guys!  Didn't expect to see anyone but Gremlins out here so close to the lair of the 1969 gremlin....
Ciara: We're on a secret mission to....
Heather: Shoosh, you bottom-feeding trailer trash!

Drusilla and SteffiG wander in, bringing along Mo.
Dru: Hey, Kira, we caught Mo here wandering around...
Mo: Let me go!  I'm supposed to be at the other battle, but I came to do an errand at UMass, only it's such a maze that once you get here, you can NEVER LEAVE!  AHHHH!!! *runs off*
Kira: Well then.  Gremlin patrols are heavy, but if you need to get to Cambridge, you might as well ride the T, since there's a stop here.
Steffi: Wait.  Kira's playing Faramir?
GA: Yeah.  Sorry bout that, but my cast is so female heavy that about 80% of you are playing roles intended for males in the books.
Steffi: *sigh* So hard to find cute guys....
Heather: Yeah, well, thanks for the directions, Kira.
Kira: No problem.  I'd help, but we've got to get back to the Spoiler Board - there are gremlins advancing, and I'm not sure that BubbaRaven can hold out alone....
Ciara: Good luck, Kira.
Kira: Thanks.  Though that guide of yours makes me suspicious.  I'd be careful.... there is evil that lurks in those T tunnels....
Bracken: Preeeecious......

The Battle

The demons are beginning to over-run the board position by sheer force of numbers.  One is advancing on the seemingly helpless Dawnmeister....

Dawnmeister: If you lay one finger on me, you're so going to get it....
Demon: *grins, touches Dawnmeister with one finger when suddenly*
Pouncer: *pounces on the demon, beating it down*
Cazadora: Can't say she didn't warn you.  
Rosemary: This isn't looking good...
Dernhelm: No!  We're not gonna die here....
Talia: Wait!  What's that?!
Ant: *shakes his head* Right on cue with the dramatic entrance.  

With that, GA rides onto the battlefield, with Bowen, Laura, Leoff, LTG, Buffychick, Weakest Link, Wwolfe, and J.A.I.T. behind him. The tides of battle soon turn, and the chat demons are wiped off the face of the board.

Digitalis: Yeah!  We did it!
Robin: Yep, couldn't have done it without me and my minion.
Digitalis: Whatever.  I'm much stronger than you anyways.
Buffychick: As someone who DOES own Robin, I say HEY!
Robin: Yeah, I'll bet you can't even pick up Leoff!
Digitalis: *I* can't?  Oh, I'd like to see YOU try.
Leoff: Oh no you don't, I'm out of here.... *realizes that he's a tree, and can't get away that fast* CURSE YOU, GA!!!!

Jojo: *looking on, reminded of his wager with DWS* Oh god, where's the Sheep?
DWS: *comes walking up with a large quilt* Hey.
Jojo: *relieved*  I'm so glad you made it though the fight, I won't even be upset if I lost our bet.  Let's see what you wrote.
Jojo opens the first side of the note, on which is written the number.... L.
Jojo: *sighs* Well, sheepy, despite your best efforts, the Romans used the letter L as the number 50.  And I didn't get that many demons, cause I ran out of booze and had to go get more.
DWS: THE DAY IS MINE!
Jojo: Yeah.  Let's see what you wagered.  
Jojo unfolds the second half of the paper, only to find that the L is actually the first letter in "LOSER, TREBEK!"
Jojo: I don't know why I bother.

GA, Ant, and F=j walk into the center of the destroyed courtyard of Bravenet's lair.
GA: BRAVENET!  Time to come out and face the music!
Bravenet: I don't wanna!
F=j: *shrugs, pulls out a rocket launcher and blows a large hole in the side of BN's tower*
Bravenet: You can't do this to me!  I'm the coolest chat on the internet!
Ant: Maybe, but Christopher Lee, you're not.  
GA: Yeah, you know what time it is, BN.
BN: No!  Not that!
GA: Yeah.  *hits the trout button*
GA slaps Bravenet around with a large trout.  Heh heh
F=j: Alright, we're done here.  Now what?
Larry: *hiding up in the tower* You people suck!  *throws something out the window at them*
BN: NO, don't throw THAT!
Laura: Hm... this looks cool.... *picks it up*

Suddenly, Laura sees the dark Eye of the 1969 gremlin gazing at her, and she screams, before GA gets the small orb from her.
GA: Bloody hell.  It's a Spoiler-tir.  A mystical orb from an older age that allows the user to see things before they happen, and thus an ultimate source of spoilers.  This must be what convinced Bravenet it could win by siding with the Gremlin.  But using them is unsafe, since some of them have fallen into the wrong hands, and can bring unspeakable evil down upon those who use them.
F=j: You mean because the 1969 Gremlin has one.
GA: Actually, I was more worried about the lawyers from Fox.

Everyone glares at Fox.

GA: Anyway, now that the gremlin has seen her, she's not going to be safe anywhere but the Spoiler Board.  I'll take her there myself - the Gremlin will be advancing with all its forces, so we need to warn them.
F=j: Okay.  I'll take the rest of these guys and get there as fast as I can.
Ant: Fine.  I'll take the SNL kids and use the Path of the Dead.
Bowen: But WHY?
Ant: Come on, anytime something is named the "Path of the Dead", obviously the good guys need to use it.  
GA: Alright.  Good luck everyone.  I just hope we can get enough troops to beat back the gremlins and save the Spoiler Board.  *glances down at the casting call at the bottom of the fic hopefully*

*The MBTA subway tunnels*
Ciara: I don't like this.... Ms. Bimbo over here could get us lost ABOVE ground, and these T  stations are pretty complicated.
Heather: Hey, I resent.... wait, where's Bracken?
Ciara: It's gettting pretty dark down here... use the light VS gave you...
Heather: Huh?

flashback
VS: Heather, I give you this.  It shall be your light when all else fails.
Heather: Oooh!  Is it a magical crystal?
VS: Nah, it's a whupass-large flashlight.  In a pinch, you could whack someone on the head with it too.
The present
Heather: Oh!  Good idea!

Bracken: *off in the shadows* Friend of the '69 gremlin... will help me get back my precious... yessss....

Heather turns on the light, and sees a man walking up to them who turns out to be none other than....

Jason Katims: Hi, I'm Jason Katims, creator of Roswell, and the 1969 Gremlin has gotten me hired on Boston Public.  How'd you like to be on my new show?
Heather: AHHHHH!!!! *is suddenly paralyzed by the awful prospect of appearing on a Katims production, drops the flashlight*
Ciara: No!  Stay back!  *grabs the flashlight and clocks Katims on the head with it*
Katims: *not actually hurt, cause his skull is thick enough to think the last season of Roswell was good, but startled and flees*
Ciara kneels down beside Heather, only to find she's not moving, and doesn't even appear to be breathing...
Ciara: *wails* No!  You can't die and leave this to me, you big old BITCH!!!!!

After a while, Ciara sadly takes the flashlight and the One Ring from Heather's body, and resolves to move on.  She walks for a minute or two, and promptly discovered that Heather had them lost not 100  yards from their goal, the Harvard Square T Stop.

Ciara: Oh, that does it.  I'm going back to give that slut a good kick for this....

Ciara walks back to where she left Heather, only to find that Heather's gone.  She hears some gremlin voices in the distance.

Gremlin: Heh.  Katims got another one.
Gremlin 2: Yeah.  Funny how they go catatonic as soon as he starts talking, but get better if shown some reasonable TV.  Well, now we've captured this one, and we're going to find out EXACTLY what she's doing here in the heart of Cambridge....

Ciara: *in tears* Miss Heatherosa.... what am I going to do now?

TO BE CONTINUED........

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