Disclaimer: I don't own either the book or movie versions of the Lord of the Rings, nor of most anything else mocked herein.  I also don't own the boarders, who belong to Ant, but if he wants to try and make something of it, I say "just bring it".  That said, this work sufficiently resembles that of Tolkein that it's an exaggeration for me to even claim authorship in the first place.  Note that while this fic is a parody that follows the books more closely in than the movies, it may well contain spoilers for both.

Continuity Note: The second volume of Tolkein's LotR, The Two Towers, is divided into two parts, books 3 and 4 of the novel.  Book 3 deals with the adventures of Aragorn and the rest of the company, while Book 4 follows Frodo on his quest to destroy the Ring.  However, lacking Tolkein's creativity, I fear that if I wrote a whole chapter of the fic following the five or so characters in book 4, it would suck.  Therefore, the following two parts will contain events from BOTH Tolkein's books 3 and 4 interspersed, as I suspect the movie next year will do as well.

THE BOARD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO POSTING BOARDS

*The plains outside the Main Board*

Jojo: What's the good news?
Anthony: The good news is that chat demons are not difficult to track.  They've left a path so wide anyone can follow it.
Da Wonder Sheep: So what's the problem?
Ant: The problem is, they're running faster than we are, cause they're more scared of us than anything else.
Jojo: Think Bowen and Laura are alright?
Ant: I'd imagine Bravenet didn't tell his minions WHAT he wanted from boarders, so they were probably instructed to turn them over to him ALIVE.
DWS: Then let's head them off before they get to Bravenet!

*The outskirts of the board, near Bravenet*
ITW Gremlins: We don't get it!  We aren't eating posts, we're capturing boarders alive, none of this makes sense!
BN Chat Demons:  We serve only Bravenet!  We let you tag along because you foolishly let the other boarders escape, but if you don't like the plan, you can go back to the CAVE ITW has been hiding in since it shut down!
Gremlin: Sure, now that the main board militia is after us.  I think we should OFF these losers, boys, and leverage the prisoners as best we can!
Demon: Not if we can help it!  GET THEM!!!

And with that, the gremlins and demons break out into a scuffle.
Bowen: I think this is our chance to escape.

Suddenly, from the darkness around the fighting gremlins and demons comes a massive cry.  As the puzzled gremlins and demons look around, they discover that they are surrounded by angry boarders.

Talia: *in command* Boarders!  Take them down!

Laura: We're saved!
Bowen: Wait... no one here was in the Fellowship... they don't know we were captured...
Laura: You're right... they might mistake us for gremlins in the dark.  We'd better go hide....

*The Next Morning*
Ant, Jojo, and DWS run across a large open plain when...

Laura: HEY!  What happened to us?
GA: You'll find out later.
Bowen: But we want to know!
GA: *sighs* Alright, I haven't decided quite what to put in the next scene with you two yet.
Laura: That's a pretty dumb reason.
GA: Er... I mean, this fiction is patterned on JRR Tolkein's work, in which the tale of the Fellowship is told in chapters, not jumping from scene to scene every time the camera changes angles.  In that spirit, I've chosen to tell the tale as he did, recounting portions of the account in a later chapter.
Bowen: Oh alright.

Ant, Jojo, and DWS run across a wide plain when suddenly, they see dust clouds rising in the distance.
Jojo: Horsemen!
DWS: I'll take famous "wHORe semen" for 500.
Jojo: That's HORSE-MEN!  What's wrong with you?
DWS: I've forgotten the answer, but your mother's a whore.
Ant: This is the last time I let either of you watch SNL Celebrity Jeopardy.

Talia: *leading a patrol of boarders* HALT!  You are entering the domain of the Main Board!  In the name of my mom, F=j, goddess of Vegas, I demand that you stand and identify yourselves!
Ant: *looks skeptical* Nice speech, Talia.  You been practicing?
Talia: ANT!  What are you guys doing here?
Jojo: We're after a band of chat demons who took two of our comrades.
Talia: Demons?  You mean those sorry lot we wiped out last night?  Bunch of gremlins and demons traveling in a pack, if you imagine that.  Didn't get along well, though, so we toasted them.  No sign of any other posters, though.
DWS: Then perhaps they escaped.
Talia: I guess anything's possible.  But in the mean time, this is land of the Dark Side, which means that f=j is in charge.  You'll have to pay her your respects before we let you wander around here.
Ant: Fez, the delusional one?  You've GOT to be kidding me.  She's running this show?
Mo: *in Talia's patrol* Hey!  That's our leader you're talking about!
Jojo: Look, this is getting nowhere.  Our friends are in trouble, and we're going to go help them!
Pouncer: Ooooh, he's playing Legolas... so dreamy....
DWS: Oh not again....
Pouncer: Well, I say he's going in my harem!
Digitalis: Yeah, well, he annoys me.  I think we should shoot them all into the sun.
Rosemary: NO!  We're not shooting ANYONE into the sun!  *tackles Digi*
Talia: *trying to ignore the general melee and look dignified* The three of you are willing to fight... *winces, as her patrol beats down on each other, and Pouncer pounces and grabs onto Jojo's leg as he tries to shake her off, crying for help*... er... all of us simply to save your friends?  I'm impressed by your...
Digitalis: This is for letting everyone gang up on me in my torture palace in your fic!  *clocks Mo*
Talia: *shakes her head* Bravery... very well, you can borrow some of our horses, since my troops appear to have inflicted enough damage on each other that they won't need them for a while.  Just promise me you'll come to F=j's keep when you're done, or I'll get in trouble with my mom....
Jojo: *trying to shake Pouncer off his leg* Get her off!  Get her off!
Digitalis: *charging Jojo* I'll shoot you BOTH into the sun!
Pouncer: NOOOO!!!! *lets go of Jojo to pounce Digi*
DWS: *mounting a horse* Then let us make haste.
Jojo: *mounts on the run and is already galloping off*
Ant: Don't worry, we'll be there.  I've got some words for old Fezzie....
Talia: Thanks.  *looks over at the dogpile that was her patrol* GUYS!  Break it up, break it up!

*Eastern Massachusetts*
Ciara: Sheesh, we've been wandering around the outskirts of Boston for weeks.
Heather: Well, it's not MY fault.  How am *I* supposed to know where to find the Charles River?
Ciara: Oh, that's right, you'd get lost in a paper bag.  VAPID WHORE!
Heather: Well, it's not my fault GA made me carry this stupid Harvard Class of 1969 Ring to the waters of the Charles River, where alone can the One Ring of Power be unmade, preventing the 1969 Gremlin from using its power to alter the past and make UPN pick up shows that should be left to die like Roswell, Iron Chef: USA and Enterprize.....
Voice: Preeeecious....
Ciara: Precious?  That's not much of an insult.  And after all that expository recap too.  You've got no creativity, DITZ!
Heather: I didn't say anything.  Maybe you're talking to yourself, SKANKY SLUT!
Voice: *watching the two of them wander on* My... preeeecious....

*Site of the battle*
DWS: It's no good... lots of toasted Gremlins and Chat demons, but no sign of any boarders.
Ant: Hm... I'll look for tracks.
Jojo: Wait... do you hear something?
Ant, DWS, and Jojo look around, suspicious, and draw their weapons ready to attack, only to see a figure in white....
Green Armadillo: *appears with a burst of light*  I come back to you now at the turn of the tide....
Ant: Oh come on, you've only been gone since halfway through the previous part.  And now with the flashy entrance.  Wussie.
GA: Blame Tolkein.  Anyway, the main board is going to be over-run in a few days unless we rally the troops to protect it.  And that means going to the Citadel of the Dark Side, where the Goddess of Vegas reigns supreme.
Jojo: What about Laura and Bowen?
GA: They're alright.  They're being helped by... others.
DWS: Who?
GA: Well... I'm not sure yet.  I haven't cast people who like the word "moot" yet.  *looks meaningfully at the casting call at the bottom of the fic*
 

*Massachusetts*
Heather and Ciara wander through a marsh on the coast.  Conditions look grim, as they find food hard to come by.
Ciara: Been... an hour... since the last Denny's....
Heather: Yeah, that stuff goes straight to the hips.  Paaaaaain!
Ciara: Well maybe if you weren't such a big ol'....
Heather: Shhh!  Do you hear something?
Voice: Preeeecious.
Ciara: There it is again.
Heather: I've got an idea.  Let's go to sleep.

The two intrepid adventureres settle down on a dry patch, and go to sleep.  Slowly, cautiously, a figure emerges from the bushes....

Bracken: Thieves, they stole my precious and we WANTS it....   *reaches for Heather, to take the Ring...*
Heather: BRACKEN!
Bracken: *jumps back in shock, but not quite fast enough to avoid being tackled by Ciara*
Heather: JUST because you mistook the One Ring for a shiny American dime and snatched it up doesn't mean it's yours!
Ciara: Yeah!  The ring is evil!  It must be destroyed!
Bracken: NOOOOO!  Don't destroy my precious!
Heather: Er.... alright, I've got a new idea.  We'll promise not to destroy the Ring, if you'll take us to the Charles River.
Ciara: Yeah, we need a guide, cause Ms. Bimbo here has gotten us LOST.
Heather: Shoosh, you skank!
Bracken: Alright, alright already.  I promise by the Precious that I'll guide you and stuff.  Why you want a resident of Vancouver to guide you through Massachusetts is beyond me....

*The Main Board, keep of F=j*
Ant, Jojo, DWS, and GA ride up, and are met at the door by Robin, the Crossover Junkie.

Robin: Guys, I'm glad you're here, there's a terrible emergency!
Jojo: Robin?!  Weren't you leading an Elvish Patrol at Lothlorien... er, I mean VS's place in the last part?
Robin: Yeah, yeah, GA didn't think of the fact that I might be better cast over here.
Everyone glares at GA.
GA: Hey, YOU try scripting what's essentially part 22 of an ongoing fic starring as many board members as you can find ways of including without a few continuity gaffes.  Besides, I wrote the last part like six months ago, and changed my mind about some stuff since then.
Ant: Whatever.
DWS: Hey, what ever happened to Survivor 2....
Ant: That's not important now.  What's the emergency?
Robin: They've thrown my minion in the dungeon!
Jojo: Talia?  But her mom runs this place, why would she put her own daughter in the dungeon?
Robin: It's all because of Larry.
DWS: Larry the imfamous boazor?
Robin: Yeah.  F=j hunted him down and threw him in the dungeon a while back, but he seemed so harmless that she finally let him out after a few months of torture, cause he'd say stupid things.  But now he's started to have influence over her, and talked her into fearing and distrusting all the boarders....
GA: Understandible.  She hasn't been around much, so people don't know who she is anymore.  But she should know better... Larry is and always has been a tool of... Bravenet.
Robin: When Talia got back from her patrol and told F=j she's let you all go, F=j was furious. Larry convinced her that Talia was a traitor and now she's in the dungeon herself.....
Ant: We'll take care of this....
DWS: Uh... are you really the best choices for that plan?
Robin: Good point.... F=j isn't thrilled with Ant for his whole failed marriage with Lindsers...
GA: Oh, I'll go then.
Robin: Well, she's not much more thrilled that you had two kids with her after she left Ant without ever marrying her....
GA: Hm... maybe we need a new plan....
Ant: *bleep* that.
Anthony marches up to the doors and throws them open, striding in calmly.  Larry, the captive boarder, looks up with concern, as F=j glares at the entering boarders.
F=j: Oh look, it's the true Pimp of New Jersey.  What do you people want?  I'm busy.
Ant: Great to see you too, Fezzie.  Look, we've got a problem...
F=j: Oh, no you don't.  You're trying to talk me into going back to the board.  They don't like me there, they make me feel old.... *sobs*
Larry: That's telling him, boss!
F=j: Yeah, so beat it already.
GA: *Marches into the center of the room, throws his arms out and the lights dim ominously* EVIL ONE!  Do NOT mistake us for petty thieves!  We're not here to rob you, we're here to help you!
DWS: Uh... wasn't that line supposed to be in the last movie?
GA: Yeah, well I left it out, and wanted to say it.
F=j: Whatever.  Your point?
GA: Have you forgotten who Larry, the Worm-tongued one works for?  Bravenet.
F=j: *eyes narrow, considering this*
Larry: Don't listen to him!  It's a trick!
GA: Bravenet, the coolest chat on the internet.  He who has formed a dark, unholy alliance with the 1969 Gremlin to take over the boards.  Oh yeah, also the chat room that won't let you in.
F=j: *eyes flash angrily, her gaze snaps back to Larry*
Larry: *whimpers*
F=j: GO.  Tell your master we're coming for him.
Larry: *stands still, petrified*
F=j: Whatever.  *gestures*
Dawnmeister and cazadora pick up Larry and summarily pitch him out the door.  The old regs nod their heads, surprized but approvingly.
Dawnmeister: What?  You think I've never watched you practice?

F=j: Alright, you win GA.  I'm coming back.
Jojo: Are you going to let Talia out?
F=j: DAUGHTER!  Oh no, I'm a bad board mom.... *sobs*
Robin: Yay!  My minion is coming out!
F=j: Lanna!  Get my gear!
Lanna de la Rose: Your gear?  You're kidding me.  You're ancient!  What are you going to do, shake your cane at them?
F=j: *pulls out a rocket launcher, points it menacingly at Lanna* Actually, I was thinking of starting with this... *eg*
Lanna: *turns pale* Eeeep.  Gear.  Right.  Gone.  *dashes off*

And so, the main board forces begin to arm up.  Anthony wanders the hall of the keep, when suddenly he hears a sword being drawn behind him.
Lindsers: You've got a lot of nerve, coming here.
Ant: *without turning around* Don't start with me.
Without warning, Lindsers attacks.  Ant draws his sword, and defends himself, but is shocked with the ferocity of her attack.
Ant: Wait, wait, wait... we're on the same side here!  Why are you trying to kill me?
Lindsers: Like I know?  Us sword-fighting isn't exactly in the book, you know.

Meanwhile, F=j is good to go.
GA: Uh, evil one?  There's just one more thing.
F=j: What, grn?  *looks suspicious*
GA: Well, you see, in addition to being a professor of mythology, JRR Tolkein was also unduly fond of poems, epic ballads like Beowulf, etc....
F=j: You'd better not be suggesting what I think you are....
GA: Look, we just can't do justice to the book unless we do some version of the Song of Rohan, as the Riders mount up for battle.
Evil Olive: *hollering from the distance* Forth Eorlingas! Forth the sons of Eorl!
F=j:  THAT'S the song?
GA: I'm not saying I remember the bloody thing.  Look, can you just improvise something?
F=j: Oh alright.  Don't say I never do anything for you.  Aren't you sticking around to watch?
GA: No, I've got to go see about some reinforcements....
Ant: *off camera* He just wants to make yet another dramatic appearance next part, glory-hogging wuss!
GA: Whatever.  Luck, evil one.
F=j: You too, Grn.  *shakes her head* Here goes nothing.....

A guitar is heard lightly in the background, picking up into a recognizable song....
(Lyrics by J. Bon Jovi and R. Sambora)

Voiceover:  It's all the same, only the names will change
Everyday it seems we're wasting away
Another place where the faces are so cold
I'd drive all night just to get back home

*F=j wearily pulls on her gear, raises a flame thrower, as the crowd of assembled boarders cheers*

V/O: I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive
Wanted dead or alive

*Lindsers protests vigorously being left behind to guard the keep*

Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it's not for days
And the people I meet always go their separate ways
Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink
And times when you're alone all you do is think

*Dawnmeister and Cazadora proudly follow F=j as Lanna trails, staying out of rocket range to be safe*

V/O: I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive
Wanted (wanted) dead or alive

*Dawnmeister and Cazadora suddenly notice Talia's group spending more time than they are with Jojo, and a general fracas breaks out yet again.  No one notices the masked DERNHELM slipping furtively into the ranks behind Evil Olive, who glares at the girls fighting and tries to get folks back on task with more rallying cries of Rohan.*

V/O: I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive
I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back
I play for keeps, 'cause I might not make it back
I've been everywhere, still I'm standing tall
I've seen a million faces and I've rocked them all

*As the song winds down, the army of boarders marches forth, across the countryside, and finally stops atop a hill. The boarders see a huge army of Bravenet's chat demons before them. *

Cause I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive
I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my side
I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive
Wanted dead or alive
Dead or alive....
Dead or alive......

All is silent for a moment, and then Anthony draws his sword, and a legion of posters stand ready to defend the main board against the onslaught of chat demons. Jojo directs the back ranks to nock arrows on their bows, as DWS organizes the hand to hand defense.  The demons begin slowly marching towards the boarders.

Ant: *raises his sword defiantly above his head, and shouts, slashing downwards* FIRE!!!!

The battle of 10,000 Posts Deep has begun.

TO BE CONTINUED........

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